Thursday, March 29, 2007

Better for now

Ok I'm done with my freak out episode over my husband's ex being back in town. He doesn't even know she's back and hasn't even looked for her at all since she moved away way back in 2000, and here I am having visions of him cheating on me. JEEZ I need help. I have to say, aside from a few little petty things way back in high school, my husband has never done anything to make me not trust him(well aside from lying about the porn, but it is just porn and apparently this is just something a lot of guys feel they must look at...ok I'm trying to be nice about this and get over it, I keep telling myself it could be worse, it could be worse!). My trust issues are really with all men, which stems from my dad being a horrible father to me growing up. I'm 24 years old and only now do I feel like I may halfway have a real dad. But I still don't trust him at ALL, things could change in a second, like they always have in the past. I've seen so much violence and hatred from that man against the ones he supposedly loves(including me, like the one time he physically picked me up and threw me out the front door onto the concrete in the pouring rain--skinning my legs all up, and when I tried to go back in the house to get my shoes because I was barefoot he slammed the door on me--and the cops did nothing...or like the time he told me he hated my guts and I wasn't his daughter anymore and he never wanted to see me again just because I'd told him pit bulls can snap at any second and that was my opinion and I didn't want to argue with him...yea we all have ugly secrets) that I just don't trust men, they all seem like lying pigs. So my issues aren't really with my husband I guess...really just with myself, because of my oh so wonderful father. I have hoped and prayed all my life that he'll straighten out and be a normal dad, because I never had that and I have no idea what that would even be like...but I always wanted it so bad. This is also the reason I have such a hard time not taking control and letting D be a partner in Miss H's mom raised me by's really hard for me to remember D is a part of all this too, not just me. I guess I'm just screwed up...I have issues...and D was raised in a normal loving family w/ 2 parents and a house and dogs and cats and money, everything I didn't have...he has no issues except maybe being a little self centered since he was the baby of the family :o) BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ANYWAY.....enough depressing crap. I'm trying to be positive...D and I had a good night last night. He was going to skip out on work but 3 spinning bikes were down so he HAD to go in. He got home just in time to see H before she went to bed...very easily I might add, which is WONDERFUL because she fought it the 2 previous nights and woke up yesterday morning at 5:00 crying and crying for 2 hours straight. I had to take yesterday off work and took her to the dr. and turns out she has 2 lovely ear infections...really bad in her right ear and mild in her left. :o( Poor little thing. Even so, we had a nice day yesterday. Found out while waiting at Walgreen's for her prescription that she loves Goldfish. Had my little brother and sister over for lunch to lift her spirits and it did the trick...she was so excited to see them and crawled over and climbed up onto my brother's side while he was laying on the floor and rode him like a was so cute.! Took her on a walk to get her out of the 1:30, hot part of the day, STUPID me...but she loved it and then when we got back she started crying because the Motrin had worn off...rocked her on my chest in the rocker in her room in the cool air conditioning...she had nothing on but her diaper, it was so sweet...I sang to her and she cuddled in and drifted off to sleep. I fell asleep and we slept for 2 hours right there in the chair. I wish I didn't have to work, I miss those times! We went to my friend S's house at about 5 and stayed til 8...Miss H loves playing there. She drew on the driveway w/ sidewalk chalk(and on herself, and in her mouth etc.) and had a great time. She went to bed by 11 and slept all night, thank God. So anyway last night was nice, after I put her to bed I cut up some strawberries and pound cake for us to have strawberry shortcake. SO glad D likes that, I love it!! We had huge bowls of shortcake and watched the last half of 13 going on 30 which is really cute. We talked a little about planning H's birthday party coming up in a few weeks. Hopefully D will be able to pick the decorations and all that out with me, he really wants to....and be there, because there is a possibility he won't even be able to be there that weekend either.

Besides goldfish I also found out H loves strawberries. Fresh strawberries...she eats them up like crazy, while making a sour face!! She's the cutest thing in the world. After I get all the new pics put on my computer at home I'll post another one of her in her little shorts and pigtails...TOO CUTE!!

Only 6 more days til I'm out of this craphole!!!!!!!!!! I'm counting freaking excited!!

I'm craving Sonic's popcorn chicken and a vanilla dr. Pepper...I've never had either but the commercial makes it look so good!!

Oh yea, got to see the new puppies yesterday. D still says no...H still LOOOOOOOOOVES them...she tried to climb in the bin yesterday to be with the tiny puppies!! I'm liking the new neighbors also...besides the fact that they lit up a couple cigarettes while we were in the house(come on, RUDE) they are really nice and friendly. And H made herself right at home crawling all over the house and playing with the dogs. We didn't stay long though because I don't allow H to be around smoking.

Well that's about it for now I guess...going to lunch with D and his dad.

1 comment:

Wendy said...

I'm glad that you are feeling better:) That's too bad about the puppies! They must be soo cute! I still can't believe they were smoking when H was there in the house! Come on!