Wednesday, December 17, 2008


It's dizzying how fast my thoughts/feelings seem to change. Sometimes I feel like my mind works on it's own and I'm just along for the ride, dealing with whatever comes along.

I'm wondering now how I could have felt like I dislike my husband, just a week ago. And now, as sudden as it came on, the feeling's gone. It was such a STRONG feeling. Thank God I know not to act on my decisions without thinking in depth about everything. Now, just a week later, I look at him and see somebody that I know I can't live without, no matter how frustrated I get at times. He's my best friend. He knows everything about me. He's the one person, besides my mom, that I feel 100% comfortable around. I can let down my guard and just be me. I love that comfort. And I love him for loving me, despite all my flaws.

Other guys literally make my stomach turn after a while...sometimes just a week, sometimes a couple months...but it ALWAYS happens. There comes a time when I look at them and just think EW. And I turn into a bitch, and they end up not liking me and never talking to me again. I just can't help it. I've been with D over 9 years now, and I am still able to look at him and think how much I love his shoulders, and his arms. And his voice. He's my D, and I don't think that'll ever change. I just need to grow up and realize that that all-consuming love generally just doesn't happen. And honestly, now I don't think I'd want it. We had a talk this weekend where I tried to tell D I felt like we were just really good friends. He disagreed...he told me that we were just well beyond our years, and acted like we'd been married for ages. At first I didn't see it, but after thinking about it for a few days, I see that he's right. I think I just had a momentary freak out, and now that I've dealt with it, we can move on. We do need to learn to respect each other and treat each other with love...that's for sure. But I really think things will get better from here on out. Now that I've realized I don't want anybody else.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

what I know...

~My cell phone smells good. :)

~My husband is a freak about hunting, he's so serious about it...yet he answers his phone with a whisper when I call...?? He's weird.

~I know why I'm with D...he's the only guy I've ever been with that doesn't make me sick to my stomach after a while. I feel like such a bitch...but guys just get old REALLY quick. And they never get the hint.

~I'm freaking starving...cookies for breakfast, Starbuck's for lunch and chocolate for a snack is NOT a healthy, filling diet...

~My sister's actually coming home for Christmas, and I'm so excited I think I could explode.

~I'm in love with Robert Pattinson.

~I don't mind snow but I hate sleet that freezes on my windshield so I can't see where I'm going.

~Christmas is going to be awesome this year.

~I love my new haircut.

~My little brother is almost 14, and that makes me feel SUPER old.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Where to begin

Ok so I've been MIA forever. There has been a lot going on. Bullets seem like the most appropriate way to write this post, since I don't have time to go into a whole lot of detail right now. So, this is my always complicated life in a it is right now...

~I'm most likely not going to be staying with my husband. I had an epiphany about 2 weeks ago. I'm turning 26 soon and I don't want to waste the next 10 years of my life with somebody that hurts me left and right, like I have the last 10 years. I want more. I'm sorry. I want to be loved. That's not too much to ask. This is really difficult because while I feel this way now, I can't act on it now. Money and kids complicate things. I'm so confused right now. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. All I know is I want love. I'm sick of waiting. And I'm getting impatient. My family is being totally supportive of me. Thank God for my mom, stepmom and dad. Yes, I did just say thank God for my dad. He has been amazing through all this, giving me advice and guidance. He's being a father, and it's so nice. It's too bad he's about to go to jail. I just want to be friends with D. But I know that could never happen. :( It's all or nothing with him.

~I've been taking care of EVERYTHING around the house with no complaints towards D. I think I'm setting myself up for being a single mom. Why bitch at him a million times to take out the trash when I can just bag it up myself and do a better job?

~I've seen the Twilight movie twice. I'm a Twilight-aholic all of a sudden. I've read all the books, even the partial rough draft online of Midnight Sun on the Stephenie Meyers website. I wish I had an Edward to sweep me off my feet (minus the newborn's hunting me, I have had bad dreams about that...minus the good Edward part, WTF gives??!?!). Because of this movie I'm now in love with Robert Pattinson. I feel like a 13 year old girl again, being so crazy over a famous guy. I think it has something to do with finally finding myself again and not caring what D thinks. All I know is Robert Pattinson is not only hot, but seems to be a very interesting person. LOL I'm such a nerd I know.

~I finally got my hair cut after 1.5 years of letting it grow out. I just got a trim and a few layers, but it looks so much healthier, I freaking LOVE it! I did it on a whim Saturday night. Again, I think it's part of the whole finding myself deal. I've been taking better care of myself lately.

~Hailey's sleeping with us every night now. I've finally admitted to the world that I like having my daughter in bed with me. We go to bed together at night, she cuddles up to my back while I read by the light of my cell phone. It's just so peaceful. I love snuggling with her in the middle of the night. Now if only we could find some way to get D out of the bed...

~By some weird coincidence today I finally found an old friend I've been looking for for years. We'd had crushes on each other our Freshman year in highschool but lost touch when I started dating my then-boyfriend. I've tried to look him up for years with no luck. Then today, right when I'm feeling like I really need a friend to talk to, I got on Facebook and there in the updates I saw his name. Another friend had accepted a friend request from him. I couldn't believe it. So I sent a friend request to him and he IM'd me not 20 minutes later. We talked all day minus the lunch break. I sort of don't know what to think. I feel bad that I'm excited. And there's more to the story. He's engaged to a woman he hates because she cheated on him 6 months ago. If he had the guts or another woman he'd leave her. But he's such a good guy. Very sweet, caring. Always was even back then. He has a 2 year old little girl. But I feel stupid that I feel excited. He lives over 4 hours away. And has a kid. And I'm still married. I'm not being stupid here, we're just getting back in touch and it's been so long but the timing of it all is just so weird.

And now I've gotta go pick up Hailey. I feel like I have no time to blog anymore :(