Friday, February 29, 2008


We didn't get to go to Olive Garden at lunch :( I was so excited too. My mom felt so bad, but she'd just gone to get her passport (her boyfriend is taking her to Jamaica on a company trip in April!) before lunch and the post office charged her an extra $40 or so in fees that weren't stated on the website! I don't think that's right...they should say $140 plus shipping or something, not just "Only $140" or whatever it states! Anywho, no biggie. Was just as nice eating a frozen Marie Calendar's meal while talking to my mom at her house. I feel so bad for her. I know I mentioned her situation in my post where I freaked out and told my stinking life story pretty she took this 9 month, lower paying job because her boyfriend had talked about them moving in together and then suddenly he backed off a lot and here she is stuck, not bringing in enough money, sucky benefits etc...and none of the insurance companies here in town will hire her because it's like there's some unspoken rule between the companies that they don't hire each other's employees. Seriously it's weird. Unless the person is very trained in a highly specialized field, but that's very rare. She's sort of stuck where she's at. And her part time, good-paying job cut expenses after she left and dropped her position. I just wish so bad I was financially set and could help her out. She's always worked so hard to support me all my life, and now as an adult is having a hard time supporting herself all of a sudden. Things cost too much and she makes too little (less than I do, which makes me feel so bad--I just got really lucky and went into a field that I can still make some money in w/ no education). It's also hard not to sort of try and lecture her...I mean just nicely tell her "Well you know if you did this" or "if you tried this." When she has money, like she used to, it's no problem. But now that she's on such a tight budget, it really matters how she handles it, what things she pays when etc...and it's not like she just blows money left and right. She just doesn't necessarily "manage" it well. Doesn't keep track like I do, of everything she spends money, gas, bills. I always have to know at least roughly how much money I have in my account or I feel sick about it. I'm also an awesome bargain hunter and as my mom says, I can "squeeze a nickel and pop out a dollar." :) I've offered to sit down with her and help her figure out a plan of action to get her back on track many times over the years, but she always declines. She says it won't help, but I think it might be at least partly because what mother wants their kid telling them how to handle their life like that? Anyway, she's a really nice, normal person...just needs a different job, that's all.

Dan and I are probably getting Wendy's tonight, and going to see a movie. So that's exciting. I'm making Dan not go to work. I love that he has such a flexible schedule. He'd only make about $9.50 tonight since they close an hour I say, what's the point. Getting to spend an evening with him is much more important to me than $9.50. :) My mom's going to watch Hailey for us. Not sure where yet, she might have her keep her at our house and put her to bed in her own bed...she's come down with yet another cold, as I've said before, and I think she'd sleep better in her own bed if she's coughing and whatnot.

My mom checked out the book 'Remember Me?' by Sophie Kinsella today. It's her newest release, I'm super excited to read it! It's a "Most Wanted" so I've only got a week! My mom started to read it first before she gave it to me. I asked her why she didn't want to finish it. Her response: "Are ALL her books British?" I told her yes, they're all set over in London or around there. Apparently, she doesn't like that whole culture much! Drives her nuts how they talk! LOL I never knew this about my mother. I love their words for things...I wish I could say "nappy" for diaper or "sodding" whatever when I'm mad. I would love to visit London some day (you know, if I didn't have that whole fear of flying thing going on). My mom and I are so alike, yet so different. :)

Baby Harlow

This issue of people comes out today...I must have it! I'm such a sucker for good celebrity news...People is the only magazine I ever buy when I'm at the store (my mom gave me a couple parenting magazine subscriptions for Christmas this past year!) and I was very excited to finally see Nicole's new baby girl on the front! Harlow is adorable!! I hate to admit I was a Simple Life fan those first few seasons...I know some people don't like Nicole but I really don't have any problems with her.

And did you see that? About Angelina? She's pregnant, AGAIN!


My mom's taking me to Olive Garden today for their soup, salad and bread sticks lunch!! YAY!

Working Mom

Hailey woke up crying for me this morning before my alarm even went off. She's got yet ANOTHER cold. As I walked in her room, between sobs she said "I wake up." I picked her up out of bed and took her into the living room. She told me she wanted the light to stay off. I turned on the TV to the Disney channel and after sitting with her a couple minutes I told her I had to go get ready for work. If I'm late many more days I am really afraid they're going to fire me (just for being 5 to 9 minutes late everyday, when the other women in the office spend another 10 to 15 minutes talking after I even get here-- and I get right to work!). Of course Hailey started crying again and begged me to sit with her, to "stay right here." She wanted to sit there in the recliner cuddling with me SO BAD. She doesn't feel good, she was still tired but unable to sleep because of her cold...and I had to set her down by herself in front of the TV and let her cry and beg for me. All I could do was tell her it'll be okay, try not to cry myself and pray to God to give me the strength to handle the situation. Because I had to get to work. There have been too many mornings like this. Her begging to stay home with me. Even on mornings she's happy. She loves her sitter and the other kids, and the fun activities they do every day and the stuff they learn. But she loves being home with me even more. It breaks my heart that I have to pay somebody else to basically raise my daughter...that I don't get to do that myself...that I have to make her cry and abandon her to come to a job that doesn't appreciate me NEAR as much as she does. Because we can't afford for me to be a SAHM. The world these days just isn't right. It's just not fair.

Thursday, February 28, 2008


My friend sent me this in an email today...I just had to share...

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph... PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter....

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the 'curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills'. Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX


I'm not really the biggest fan of Wendy's. I used to work a few blocks away from one (when I worked at the hell hole) which was on the crappy side of town. Once I found a long black hair in my burger. Another time while eating a grilled chicken salad I bit into one of the chicken's joints. YUCK. So I hadn't gone in years. Then I started working here, on the nice side of town, right by the mall and the "nice" Wendy's. Everybody here loved it so I tried it out one day, and I have to say I was pretty darned impressed. And now they've come out with their new Premium Fish Fillet is SO GOOD! Much better than McD's by far. Even my husband loves it and he's not a big fish eater! Last Sunday was my sister's 21st birthday. We told her we'd take her out to eat. She ended up picking TGI Friday's. Later on that evening after she'd gone home D turned to me and said "Ok I have to tell you something. All those places she was trying to choose from and I was really thinking 'Can't we just go to Wendy's?'" Which is hilarious, because I was thinking the same damned thing. So tomorrow night if my mom can watch Hailey we're going for fish sandwiches and a movie. We're SO exciting!! :o)

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


Hailey's beloved Uncle, my brother in law (the one my sister just married in December) leaves today to go back to Iraq for the 2nd time. He was there all last summer too. We all have a bad feeling about this time for some reason. A feeling we didn't have last time. He's been calling my sister crying because he's so scared to go. He knows what to expect this time, which makes it worse. One of his friends was killed the last time they were there too. When he came back he wasn't himself. It took him a long time to loosen up and be sort of who he used to be again. And now he's going back. We're praying that the months go by fast and praying for his safe return...and for my sister, that she has the strength to get through this next 6 to 8 months.

Please pray for him, if you're the praying type.

Monday, February 25, 2008


Hailey had one of the worst cases of stinky toots tonight that she has ever had. The poor thing, after we turned her light off tonight I had to lay there in a huge cloud of EW. True SBD's, let me tell you. I asked her if she had a tummy ache and she said "yea" in a sort of pitiful way. She was acting really weird when my mom picked her up today (I had physical therapy after work) growling at my mom and hitting her and stuff and that is NOT like her. She was acting wired all night too, but she hadn't had any sugar. She had a pretty stinky poop before her bath too. I am praying to God that she's just having a bit of a belly issue and hasn't caught a bug. Colds are one thing, I can handle colds. Throwing up and diarea?? HORRIBLE. I know nobody LIKES that of course, and I handle it just fine but I just DREAD it like nothing else. And I have no time left to take off work. And now my tummy is on the fritz, and I'm hoping it's just from basking in her horrendous SBD cloud and not that I have a bug too. I took a Zofran. PLEASE God let it help...

My best friend

So what I really wanted to write about today was how awesome my weekend was. Yes it went by too fast, yes I was exhausted all weekend because of noisy neighbors, but the best thing in the whole wide world happened this weekend that made everything else not matter.

I love babies, don't get me wrong. But having a toddler is so much fun. I love having a kid. She can interact with me and show me just how much she loves me right back...she loves spending time with me, we have a blast! She's my little buddy. It's been like that for a long time now.

Hailey's favorite movie right now is Cars. Great movie if you haven't seen it. Not only has Hailey learned how to say "Shoot, tractors is so DUMB!", she's also learned a little bit about racing and how to sing her first "radio" song (she sings "Life is a highway, all alone!" LOL reminds me of me as a kid, singing Garth Brooks 'Shameless,' "Well I'm shavin, when it comes to lovin you...")'s also taught her a little bit about relationships.

As I was kneeling down in the dining room Saturday morning Hailey ran up to me, climbed up and stood on my legs, hugged me around my neck so tight and said "You my best friend." I was in shock. I almost started crying. I told her "You're my best friend too sweetie" and looked over at my husband standing in the kitchen. He said "Hailey, am I your best friend too?" I was praying to God she'd say yes. He's heartbroken enough from her near-constant rejection. She said "Daddy my best friend too!" Throughout the weekend she would hug me so tight or pat my face and tell me I was her best friend. Out of nowhere, while we were watching a movie, while we were playing, just a sudden burst of affection. She is the light in my life, the thing that makes my world beautiful, a huge reason why life is totally worth living.

I pray to God we keep our wonderful relationship over the years and that I never have to hear the dreaded words "I hate you" come out of her mouth in my direction. Now I see just how bad I hurt my mom throughout those horrid teenage years.

She also pooped in the potty this weekend, counted to 15 all on her own, said the name of 2 more shapes while pointing to them (square and circle) and woke up with a dry diaper this morning and peed in the potty...she is such a wonderful little person!

There is nothing in the world better than her hugs and hearing her say those words "You're my best friend" and knowing that she fully understands the concept and genuinely means it. Nothing better.

The other side

So this is also NOT what I wanted to write about today. But I need to get it out. There are two sides to every story. I know that. Every time something happens with my dad I always wait to hear both sides and then make my decision on where I stand w/ whatever the issue is. This time, what they said about my dad was so insane, I automatically thought he'd cracked and went nutty and believed every damn word that was being fed to me. UGH

My dad's side of the story is that he called out to my step-sister's to talk to my little brother. They wouldn't let him get on the phone. My dad says he could hear my little brother in the background wanting to talk to him. Apparently they put some guy on the phone, a neighbor, that threatened my dad. My dad says that made him lose it, because of his "psychological problems" and he went out there to get his son. He also said he wasn't drunk, which I believe because he passed a breathalyser. But that's when his story doesn't fit. He says he went right out to get my brother...ok so why did he call and threaten my step-mom's parents? The evidence that that really happened is right there on casenet, where they state that both her parents have ex-parte's against him as of that night. And also, they went to a bar before going out to my step-sister's...I know that happened because my brother got arrested at this bar! My dad then bailed him out of jail, THEN they went out to my step-sister's. He says he knocked on the door and they let them in. My step-mom hugged my brother (not her son) and my dad says he went over to the neighbor guy that threatened him on the phone and told him NOBODY comes between him and his son (my little brother). He says then all hell broke loose. My dad has 2 broken ribs, so they did beat him. Nobody else in the family (even my step-sister whom he supposedly choked) has a mark on them. He said when he realized that it was all a set up and that they'd had that guy provoke him because they KNEW what his response would be, he jumped in the car and left. He said he sort of blacked out at that point and all he remembers is swerving around a car (that would be a cop!) and then a bunch of flashing lights and a bunch of cops pointing guns at him. Then he went to jail.

So, he swears he wasn't drinking. He wasn't, that was proved. But what he's completely failing to acknowledge here is EVERYTHING that happened between him and I that night. How I called him on my way to physical therapy and told him I was bringing the dog by that he asked me to do it another night because he said "to be honest with you I'm pretty lit." So he WAS on something that night. Whether he's avoiding that whole topic because he knew he hurt my feelings and doesn't want to confront the fact, or whether he's avoiding it because he KNOWS he told me he was high on something...I'll never know.

Another factor in the story that I didn't know until now. My step-sister (the idiot that she is--I'm not being judgmental here but she's not the brightest)filed fraudulent taxes and her husband (they're separated because he's a LOSER) somehow found out about it. She's blaming my dad. What she doesn't realize is it wasn't my dad that told him, it was my little brother. My little brother has a big mouth. You cannot tell him ANYTHING you don't want somebody to know. Bless his heart he just can't keep secrets. The family knows this. It's my step-sister's fault for letting my little brother know what she was in trouble for. (Ok I was totally curious about how she filed fraudulently...basically she can only claim 2 of her kids on her taxes and her husband was supposed to be able to claim my youngest nephew. Well my step-sister had my sister-in-law's MOTHER claim her youngest son!! HELLO, STUPID! And my sister-in-law's mother and my step-sister split the money. This whole situation is incredibly stupid! How in the world did she think she could get away with that?? And it's illegal! Why would she even THINK about doing that?? UGH! STUPID!) So basically my dad is saying this whole situation was a set-up, to get back at him for telling my step-sister's husband what she did, and my dad is not the one that told him.


So I don't know what the hell to believe. I know some parts of each side are true. I know some parts of each side are huge lies. My problem here is that yes my dad is insane, yes he scares me at times, and yes he has hurt people in the past. But the other side is also just as nutty, and they've done bad things too. Here I was wishing my dad would go to jail for life when maybe he WAS set up, maybe this WASN'T all his fault and maybe he DIDN'T do all the things they said he did. I hate not knowing who to believe. I don't want to be around my dad if that stuff really did happen, but if it didn't I don't want to punish him for it by being cold and uncaring to him. I mean he's my dad. It's just a really tough situation. Luckily for the time being I seem to be dealing with it okay and staying on the good side of both parties. I guess that's all I really can do. And if the other side of the family gets mad at me for it. Well I guess tough shit. I can't please everybody, and frankly they aren't a big part of my life at all so at this point, with as much as I have going on and as much stress as I seem to keep coming across if I have to cut them out of my life then so be it.

Really, I just hate being lied to. It really hurts my feelings.


This is so not what I meant to post about this morning. And I hate posting stuff like this because it affects me so much when I read it. But this one I just had to. I cannot believe some people in this world. I'm just...speechless. I hope these people are put to death. They deserve to suffer.

Peoria County Case 08 CF 200

On February 12, 2008, Peoria Police responded to a call at 3012 W. Proctor Street in Peoria. Found dead and strapped in a car seat set that had been placed in a crib was 5 month old Benjamin Sargent. The defendants are his parents.
Benjamin was wearing a blue snow suit. It was zipped up. The temperature in the room was near 80 degrees. Benjamin’s
eyes were open, his hands were clenched in a fistlike position and, although dead, his eyes were staring straight ahead.

Police investigation and medical and pathological examination would reveal that Benjamin had been strapped into
this car seat and had not left it in eight days. All waste and urine had collected beneath him and his buttocks, legs and back were eaten into by the resulting poison. Some waste left in Benjamin’s colon revealed resulted in constipation because it could not be pushed out of his body due to starvation.

James Sargent was present at the house and, when interviewed on that day, and again on February 18, his answers
to questions confirmed for police that Benjamin had been returned to the residence on February 4, 2008, by a grandmother and he was in the same car seat, wearing the same snow suit, and confined in the same manner as when he was found dead 8 days later. A person who ‘stayed’ with others in the garage of the defendants told police that he was the one who observed Benjamin in the car seat, and on the living room floor, and that it was he who found this odd and so, he placed the child (while in the car seat) in a baby crib in a bedroom.

The house was kept in an outrageous condition with nothing in its place, food left out and spoiled, and belongings scattered everywhere. Clothing, articles, spoilage, and debris were stacked everywhere around the house.

James Sargent told police he “thought” he had maybe moved Benjamin once or twice during the eight day period but
upon further questioning, he conceded that he may not have been moved at all. The person from the garage tells police that Benjamin was found just as he had left him eight days earlier.

The 'mother' was in Iowa, where she had gone to see-a male boyfriend she found over the internet. She told police that
caring for her baby Benjamin was not her duty and that it was James' responsibility. Before heading to Iowa on the day before Benjamin was found dead, Tracy Hermann said she looked at the baby in the crib and presumed he was sleeping so she said she stuck a bottle between the baby and the side of the carseat so that when he woke up he could grab it and feed himself if he was hungry. In case the court missed it earlier, Benjamin Sargent was five months old.

Tracy Hermann also has a daughter, almost 3, who Tracy Hermann seems to have 'given'away' to a family member. A
shelter care hearing on that matter now pends in the circuit court because I am also seeking to remove her permanently and forever from any contact with Tracy Herman.

Preliminary examination of Benjamin Sargent’s body showed that he weighed 10 pounds, suffered from sepsis in the
blood and tissue, was without proper liquid and food and that he died from starvation due to neglect by the two defendants who stand before you, Tracey D. Herman and James E. Sargent.

This case file was printed in today's edition of the Peoria Journal Star

PEORIA, Ill. — A central Illinois couple faces first-degree murder charges in the death of their 5-month-old baby, who was found unresponsive in a car seat that had been placed in a crib. Both Tracey Hermann, 21, and James Sargent, 23, appeared Wednesday in Peoria County Circuit Court in the death of Benjamin Sargent. The charges state the parents' actions or lack thereof, were "brutal and heinous . . . indicative of wanton cruelty," factors that could mean they face up to 100 years in prison if convicted. The 5-month-old was dropped off at his parents' house on Feb. 4, strapped into his car seat. Eight days later, he was found in the same position, said Peoria County State's Attorney Kevin Lyons during a bond hearing for the parents. "He died from starvation due to neglect from these two defendants, his parents," Lyons said. "It's the worst case of child neglect we have seen since the turn of this century." Sargent said virtually nothing, during a 20-minute hearing before Peoria County Circuit Judge Glenn Collier. Hermann told Collier her attorney was in Hawaii so she requested a court-appointed lawyer. Collier ordered the two held without bond pending a hearing Friday, when it is expected that Lyons will present more evidence as to why the two should not be released pending trial. Peoria County Coroner Johnna Ingersoll said Wednesday the baby weighed 10 pounds when he was found by police. He was nearly eight pounds at birth, she said. Reading from a prepared statement, Lyons said police found the infant sitting in his own waste, all the while strapped into the seat which was in a crib. During the eight days the baby was strapped in the seat, both Hermann and Sargent were home, "playing video games, watching TV, feeding and caring for themselves," Lyons said. Lawyers in the state's attorney's juvenile division have begun proceedings to permanently remove Hermann's 3-year-old daughter from the home. That child was staying with another family member but is now in the care of Department of Family and Children's Services.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Well this is a first

My dad called me this afternoon wanting to know if I have a credit card. I told him I paid them all off with the student loan money and asked him why. He told me he needs help until the middle of march when he gets his disability check. His phonebill is $200 + and they want him to pay it by the 28th or they're shutting off his phone. He told me he'll have the cash mid-march. I told him I'm really sorry but I can't use the cards because they were so far behind when I paid them off. I don't lie, I just don' I'm having a really big issue with my answer to him. I do have the cards still, they're at home tucked away in a safe place...I honestly don't even remember where I put them. He asked me if I cut them up, I told him no. But the part about me not being able to use them because they were so far behind isn't true. I could use them. And they were only about a month behind, a couple 2 months. But I'm not using them and I'm sorry but I'm not loaning him any money. He won't pay it back. He's never asked me for money before like that. Luckily a call came in at work that I had to take, but I'm supposed to call him back and I am really not wanting to. :( Why does he keep putting me in such tough situations? I'm so tired of it!

Just a day

Today's just been...a day. Nothing exciting. It's been sleeting all day. It looks like there's snow everywhere, but it's little ice balls. Schools are closed, which is nice because not only does my mom have Hailey today but that also means I don't have as many people calling and bugging me and not as many invoices have come in. I think I got a total of 5 today when I normally get 100 +. I'm tired...D's got this horrible cold now too, we both didn't sleep well last night. My whole body is tense today for some reason too. At least I'm not hurting like I had been earlier in the week.

Dan and I have been thinking a lot lately about how we would LOVE to be able to buy a house. I'm becoming obsessed with the thought. I hate it how I get like this...I'll get an idea in my head and start obsessing over it til I either 1. lose interest or 2. do something about it. Luckily my latest obsession is having some positive effects. I took some of the money I'd put away in savings and made a couple payments. It's also making me second guess every purchase I make. I'm determined to have no debt and a bunch of money saved up by the time D graduates. Last time I felt this determined was when I saved up enough to pay off my car, move into our apartment, outfit the place with everything we needed and STILL had money left over. The bummer about this whole thing is I don't see when in the world we'll ever be able to have another baby. I have to decide what I want more...a house or a baby. I'm really trying to think positive about being able to get a house. I keep telling myself if D can get a good job when he graduates next winter, surely his salary combined w/ the part time job he's going to continue working in the evenings and mine too will get us approved for a good enough loan to get a decent house. I want something bigger, preferably with a basement to store all our crap. I am sick and tired of all the clutter around our house, you don't even know. In our dining room we've got a card table w/ a bunch of stuff hiding under it and on top of it, an old computer desk we don't want to get rid of just yet, Hailey's high chair she hasn't used in forever, Hailey's ride-on toys for outside and our dining table. Her crib is still up in her bedroom because we have no place to store it when we take it down. It's blocking her closet, but it doesn't matter because her closet is packed full of things like the baby swing, bassinet etc.! WE NEED STORAGE SPACE! I'm telling myself surely after we buy a house I can eventually quit working and stay at home and watch kids...but that seems like so far off and some days I really struggle with the schedule we have now (like the days I'm hurting really bad). I just hate not having a plan and not knowing what the future holds, and I hate it that I can't have what I want which is D having a good job, me staying home w/ the kids and us owning a home. I'm not asking for much. It seems like everybody around me has the life I want these days! Except me! It's driving me nuts.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

New pants :)

I finally broke down and ordered these khakis from AE Monday. They were on sale for $29.95 and they were having a free shipping on ANY purchase deal for President's Day. They should be here any day now...I can't wait to get them so I can finally wear my new shoes, not to mention have more options for work outfits! I have quite a few sweaters and shirts I can wear with khakis, but didn't have a decent pair!


I just found out they're making a movie out of Confessions of A Shopaholic!! YAY!!! I am super excited!!

Wednesday already!!

Good things about last night:

~I got the laundry on the couch folded and put away, so I can lay on my couch again

~My bathroom cupboard is filled with clean towels

~The mountain of laundry in my kitchen is slowly dwindling because I've been doing laundry all weekend!

~Clean rugs in the bathroom

~A clean kitchen countertop, thanks to my mom who helped me out for the night

~Yummy spaghetti for dinner, again thanks to my mom (She loves it, I provide the food and she cooks it! Works out great!)

~CLEAN dining table! We were able to eat at the table for the first time in months! D kept Hailey busy while dinner was cooking so she didn't feel the need to graze and then sitting at the table she ate a ton!

~Much nicer to walk into a house w/ a neat and tidy dining room since it's the first thing you see

~Hailey WANTED to go to bed last night, she told me she was tired...thank goodness because I was exhausted!

~I got my sling in the mail last night! Only problem with it is because I'm so tiny when I try to sinch it up the padding needs to go through the rings but won' warns about this one the website, says it will loosen up over time. I need to watch the tutorials again, I feel like I must be doing something wrong...the rings keep twisting together a bit, if that makes any sense. LOVED the back of the "invoice" I got that was taped to the front of the package...a little kid had scribbled all over it in orange marker, it was too cute!! I'll take a picture tonight to put on here. Made me feel good about buying the sling.

~Even though D refused to run by the store and get more spag. sauce since he just walked in the door and I'd been home for an hour and had been cleaning and was exhausted w/ this cold...I didn't lose my cool. I got in the car, went to HellMart, got it myself, came home and acted pleasantly towards everybody. No need for that to ruin the night. Turned out to be a really good night because of how I reacted to that situation. See, I really am trying here!

~My mom painted my nails, and Hailey's nails too. And her own. All the same color. We match! LOL I love it though. Something about having nicely painted nails, makes me feel that much more put together even though I look like hell from this cold! LOL

~Not having to worry about what to wear the next day since most of our clothes are clean!

~I rearranged the clothes in Hailey's dresser. Now as long as I don't wash any more of her dirty clothes, everything fits! :)

~As I was rearranging Hailey's dresser she ran into her bedroom, shook her hands and said "OH MY GOSH MOMMY! Olga's shoes, slgkhaglkdjadf, so funny!!" It was the cutest/funniest thing ever. My mom was wearing a set of slippers but she was wearing one red one and one blue one. That's it. Apparently to an almost 2 year old, this is HIL-ARIOUS!

~Hailey watched American Idol with us and clapped really hard after each guy was done singing and instructed us to clap. (Some of the guys are pretty good this time! Can't wait to see the girls tonight!)

~Something good about this morning...Hailey was in a great mood when I got her up, I got to work only 3 minutes late and my mom brought me juice (cranberry, apple, rasberry) and some cherry donuts to work! YUM!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

These are awesome...nuff said

Lemonades™: Introduced in 2006, these shortbread cookies are stamped in the shape of a sliced lemon with a tangy lemon icing. They are made by ABC Bakers and replace the Lemon Pastry Creme.
My grandma bailed my dad out. After saying no, she caved. I have no idea what'll happen to him now. I'm not sure how the whole process works...I guess he goes to court and then maybe goes back to jail?? I had to go take pictures of his hands Saturday to give to his lawyer. He said to prove he didn't hit anybody. I only did it to keep my family safe. He's insane...I can't be on his bad side. I told him I wasn't bringing Hailey. She was at my mom's. I made D go with me. We were there not even 5 minutes. I made my brother wake my dad up when we got there so I could take the pictures. I didn't listen to anything they said about what happened. I took the pictures and we left...actually we were walking out the door as my brother was still trying to bullshit with D about playing golf sometime (wow, my brother playing golf...that is a hilarious thought). I hate it that the pictures are on my camera. And I'm so embarrassed to go to Walmart and print them off. I mean how weird is that, some guy's beat up hands... I'm out of ink for my little photo printer and have no time to run by the office supply store--the only place in town that sells it alone (Walmart only sells it in a package with photo paper which thanks to my mother in law I may never need to buy). It's so hard. I feel so torn because on one hand he is my dad. That'll never change. I still love him. But he's a horrible person. But yet I can't be mean to him. I guess I'm just too nice of a person...for now I'm just glad everybody's leaving me alone and letting me stay out of everything.

I have this gawd awful cold again. Started coming down with it Saturday. It never ends! We got rid of it after weeks, had a week or so vacation from it then BOOM it hits me again. I hope to God Hailey doesn't get it, or my mom for that matter--she has asthma, it hit her really hard last time. Yesterday Hailey and I woke up at 10. We had a work holiday thank God. I felt HORRIBLE. Exhausted, just wiped out and horrible. Hailey was doing everything in her power to annoy me and then laughing in my face. Seriously. She's her dad made over. What have I gotten myself into?? It took me over 30 minutes to get her dressed, which is not normal...usually I can at least hold her down and get her clothes on her. She's getting so big though. Finally I lost it and grabbed her and plopped her down in her bed and yelled at her that I'd had enough and she was being so bad and Mommy was TIRED and didn't feel good so she was in bed in time out. She just sat there and I shut her door and walked off. I felt horrible for doing it, but I was so MAD. I never do that sort of thing. Normally I ignore her silly antics and do what I need to do and she eventually sees that it's not getting to me and she stops whatever she was doing to try to annoy me. She wasn't even really being that bad now that I look at it. I just felt SO CRAPPY. Finally we loaded up in the car and went to my mom's. We went by the store and I got something to eat. I ate lunch, went upstairs to my mom's bed and fell asleep. Hailey told my mom "Mommy's tired." :( They woke me up at 5:30 and I was STILL exhausted and felt like crap. We left my mom's at 7 or so and Hailey fell asleep in the car since she'd refused to nap that day. I couldn't get her to wake up til 8:30...I just started putting her pj's on her at which point she cried "BAAAATH, Mommy, BAAAATH!" The kid never wants to take a bath! ????? So she took a loooong bath, I fed her Spaghettios while she played in the tub and then my hip started hurting, bad. D got home from work, had absolutely no sympathy whatsoever for me, got Hailey all riled up by chasing her around the house and roughhousing with her. Hailey told me I scared her. I asked her what I did, she said "Mommy said NO NO NO!" and shook her little finger. Talk about making me feel like a horrible mother. I hope so God she was just being silly, because she'd just said Daddy scared her too...hopefully she wasn't referring to when I plopped her in her bed and yelled at her. You better believe I won't be doing that again. It breaks my heart to think I may have actually SCARED her. :( Long story short, I didn't get to bed til 1:00am. My hip had a sharp pain shooting through the joint, like a needle was poking me repeatedly...I was coughing and felt like crap. I finally got all situated in bed and realized I hadn't taken any cough medicine. I asked D if he would get it for me. He told me no in not so nice words and basically told me if I hurt that bad I can get it myself. NICE. I lost it and told him that's exactly the reason I brought up divorce. I got up and took my medicine. Went back to bed, my hip hurting even worse and now w/ an upset stomach from the lovely DayQuil (ICKY stuff). My hip was hurting so bad I was almost in tears. I very reluctantly asked D to go heat up my heart pillow in the microwave. It's a pillow filled with rice and buckwheat or something like that that you can heat up. I had it resting on my bad hip. He threw the covers back, SLAMMED his hand down on the heart pillow and stormed off to the kitchen. OMG it hurt so bad when he hit my hip like that. I know he didn't mean to hit my hip, but damnit he did and he didn't even give a crap. I couldn't help but cry, it hurt so bad...he came back to bed and threw the pillow at me, never even saying sorry. I told him I'm sick of him not caring a bit about me, or anybody but himself for that matter. He didn't say a word. I haven't heard from him yet today. Honestly, I don't even care. I try and I try and he does so well and is so nice and then BOOM he acts like that all of a sudden and it hurts my feelings so bad and makes me feel so unloved and worthless, I'm just completely and totally sick of it. He is either a really selfish, self-centered person or he's still incredibly immature w/ no signs of growing up. UGH!

Today at work has been one problem after another. I woke up hurting, nauseous, cramping from that time of the month, the whole bit. Luckily people here at work are being nice but still everything has gone wrong. And a guy at the bank was incredibly rude to me about ordering checks, even though it was THEIR mistake I was calling about. Nice.

I'm about to go to lunch and read Potter. Hopefully that'll give me a little break and this afternoon will go better.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

A picture post

After a few minutes of Hailey playing, what my living room looks like...I cannot WAIT til we have a playroom!
Nearly ever day Hailey does something that really reminds me she's turned into a little kid and that she's not a baby anymore. To me, falling asleep wherever she's at when she's tired is one of those things. Saturday I put in Cars for her and went to take a shower. When I was done this is how I found her...

Our latest house project. D put up new shelves over the toilet in the bathroom. REALLY cleared the clutter off my counter top!

It's the little things

Having new white socks makes me incredibly excited and insanely happy!

Saturday, February 16, 2008


A lady from the bail bond place called me today. My dad's bond was $25,000, not $19,000 like we'd originally thought. She was incredibly nice. She wanted me to cosign for my dad so he could get out of jail. I could tell she felt bad about asking me. She told me he had some pretty serious charges against him. I told her I wouldn't do it. She said "Do you think he's not going to show up to court? Because I don't want to call all these people if it's hopeless..." I told her I think he needs to stay in jail and pay for what he did. She agreed with me. I told her to have a great weekend.

So my insane grandma bailed him out. Hopefully I don't hear from either one ever again.

So that's the update on that issue.

On a better note, Hailey is getting so close to potty training herself completely. She is so amazing, I'm so proud of her. She's been peeing on the potty multiple times at school during the day. Then today after her bath I was at her dresser finding her some clothes to wear. She climbed up on her bed butt naked. I told her she better not pee on her bed. Not a minute later she started peeing! She gasped, stopped peeing, looked up at me and said "OH NO! I PEE!" I told her to hurry and go to the bathroom to go on the potty. She climbed down, ran in there, opened the lid to her potty and sat down. I heard her call to me from the bathroom "Mommy I did it!" I was so proud of her that she noticed she was going, stopped mid stream and finished in the potty! Of course when I went in the bathroom I found her pulling a piece of pee soaked TP out of her potty because she'd wiped herself and put it in her potty instead of the big potty and was trying to correct her I had to wash her hands and clean up her pee drips all over her potty...but hey, she's getting the hang of it! :o) I looked at 2T little girl undies at Walmart today...SO CUTE. I can't wait! She's growing up so fast!

Hailey fell into a corner tonight and gave herself a huge bruise on her head. It looks really scary but she seems to be okay. I used to have those foam pads on the corners lining our front hallway. They kept falling off so I threw them away. Now I'm kicking myself because the accident could have been prevented. I'm buying new pads tomorrow.

Hailey and I took my mom to Olive Garden for lunch today. I used my gift card that my sister and brother in law gave me for my bday back in December. We stuffed ourselves. Hailey refused to eat any pasta!! She's nuts! Our waiter (Nick, Hailey loved him) gave her a saucer-sized plate. She had about 6 plates of salad. Her eating habits are so odd for a toddler! Guess she just takes after me. :o)

Hailey's new favorite place to go play...the Dollar Tree store by our house. When we go to Walmart she begs to go in the Dollar Tree which is in the same strip mall. I love that store so I really don't mind...I think it's so funny though that she loves it as much as I do. I LOVE bargains! I also love cleaning, and loaded up on some new cleaning supplies at Walmart today. Toilet bowl cleaner(you don't even have to scrub w/ this stuff, just squirt it on, let it sit a few minutes, flush and VOILA the toilet looks brand new!), Clorox anywhere spray, antibacterial kitchen cleaner, a new brush/dustpan set to clean up the kitty litter on our master bath floor...I'm so excited. I'm easily pleased!

My mom's keeping Hailey tonight. I missed her the minute she left. I know D and I need time alone and I need some rest...but I can't help it, I'm obsessed with her. We rented Mr. Woodcock, we love Seann William Scott...he's hilarious! I have leftover ziti from lunch. D did the dishes.

Friday, February 15, 2008

A blessing

More good news. My dad is in jail. He has a $19000 bond. Hopefully he won't be able to post bail for quite a while. My brother is also in jail. I pray to God they stay there for a while. I pray my brother gets shipped back to OH. I pray my dad gets put in the pysch. ward permanently.

What makes what happened last night so horrible is the fact that they called out to my step sister's house to make sure my step brother, who lives a couple houses down from my step sister, was at work. They attacked a house full of innocent women and children (my sister's boyfriend doesn't count, like I said he's my size!). My sister is seeing a dr. today about her throat. She can hardly talk. But at least they're where they can't hurt anybody anymore, for the time being.

Did I mention I'm not a dog person???

I got to my mom's house today at lunch time, ready to eat my lunch and read the 7th Potter book (this is my 3rd time reading it, I don't know why, I just like to read that certain book at lunch) and OH MY GOD. My sister's dog had pooped ALL OVER the floor upstairs, had torn the poop into little pieces, had walked through it and had it stuck to her feet and was EATING IT right in front of me. BLEGH!!!!!!!! I spent my lunch hour cleaning the mess up, shoving the nasty dog away from me and apparently bleaching my mom's carpets (oops, I didn't know what cleaner to use--wrong one--at least the poop is gone). I was so fed up I called our vet that is owned by our family friends and asked them how much they charge to board a 7 lb. dog. They said $8.00. I thought she must have heard me wrong and like a doofus I said "No, like when you go on vacation and you keep the dog, how much do you charge for that?" She very nicely and patiently said "We charge $8.00 a night." Again, doofus me... "Then you keep them all day too?" Nice lady: "Yes, all night and all day and we feed them Science Diet food twice a day and walk them twice a day. They get chewy bones and toys and attention." I said "Can I bring her right now?" So, she's gone. I told them thank GOD for them, that they are a blessing and that if I'd known it was that stinking cheap I would have been there a few days ago!!

So, one less thing to worry about...

As they came out to get the dog they were oohing and aahing over her and babytalking to her and letting her lick all over their faces...and all I could think was "Ok she just ate her own shit..." Did I mention I'm not a dog person??????


Something a little odd...Cryptozoology

List of Cryptids

Cow Eating Trees
Phantom Kangaroos

These are just a few of the creatures on the's pretty interesting if you have any interest in mythical creatures or that sort of thing.

Sling Update

I ordered the Arabic Night pattern for the sling.

We went unconventional with the infant seat/stroller set for Hailey(see picture of stroller below) so I'm going dark w/ the sling too. I don't see myself having my babies out in the hot hot sun for long periods anyway. I'm WAY too paranoid for that. :o)

D came home from work early last night and got Hailey ready for bed. He was great. Hailey didn't get to sleep until about 11:00 though because of everything that had happened.

I was in bed about midnight trying to get to sleep. My sister called me from California bawling. My dad wasn't home when I went to take the puppy back because he was out at my step sisters trying to kill my stepmom. Seriously. How much worse can it get? He called my stepmom's parents and threatened to slit their's really sad because I know what my dad's capable of, I know how insane he is, and every time something bad happens in the family like last night when he was gone when I got to his house, I worry about my family. I make sure all the doors/windows are locked tight in the house. I actually sit there and think up an action plan in my head, like what would happen if he showed up and refused to leave or broke in or's absolutely horrible that I have to fear him like that. He's my dad. He's supposed to be my protector. So last night my sister called and told me my grandparents called my Aunt who lives in Kansas City...don't ask me why they didn't just call the cops. My Aunt called my cousin (her daughter from her first marriage, my cousin "Bi-Racial Rachel" that I've talked about on here) and was crying to her. My cousin called my sister in CA...finally somebody had some sense. My sister told her to call 911. She did. My sister called my stepmom and all hell had broken loose. She said everybody was screaming, it sounded like complete chaos. My dad had shown up and said he was going to kill my stepmom. My stepsister tried to defend her. He choked my sister and left marks on her neck. My sister's boyfriend got my dad off her and they started fighting. My little brother got on the phone with my little sister in CA and bawled to her. He's 13. He was scared to death, had no place to go to get away from all the chaos. And it broke my little sister's heart that she was in CA and couldn't even be there for my little brother. My dad did this in front of my sister's 3 kids also. Finally my little sister heard the sirens from the cop cars pulling up. My dad and my brother from OH got back in their car and took off w/ the cops chasing them. I tried to console my sister as best as I could over the phone. I told her as soon as she gets back we're moving her into her own place. I'm calling rental agencies today to see what they have available for one bedroom apartments or duplexes. I told her I'll find some way to take care of her 2 cats that are still locked up at my dad's. Even if I have to pay to board them until she gets back. After I got off the phone with her I had to call my grandma to make sure she was okay. My sister had called her to let her know what was going on. Her speech was slurring, I could tell she'd taken a bunch of nerve pills. I asked her if she took too many and she said no. I told her I loved her and I let her go.

We have no idea what happened to my dad and brother. I hope to God my dad's in jail. All the horrible things he's done, they always let him out. Last time something like this happened, before Hailey was born, they put him in the psych ward at the VA. He was out in less than a week. He is like Jekyl and Hyde. So manipulative and when he needs to he can be so straight and charming and convincing and "normal". My mom's boyfriend whom I've known since I was about 7 years old even says he just can't picture the horrible man we're talking about because he's always been so charming when he's around him. It's scary to think about how he can manipulate people like that.

Now I'm sitting at my desk at work. I'm going to make myself a cup of coffee and eat a Krispy Kreme donut and attempt to normalize my day, like always. Tonight after I pick Hailey up from school we're going to my inlaw's. I'm actually really glad. I need to be around some normal people for the night.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

This is my life

I can't even begin to describe how hurt, upset and incredibly freaking pissed I am at this very moment. Before I was even born my dad began ruining my life. I am done. I can't do it anymore. I'm trying to hold it together, trying really hard to have a normal life for Hailey's sake. Aside from her, nothing's right. My health is bad, trying to get better takes even more time out of my already too-busy life, I'm always exhausted, I'm constantly stressed about my job, my house is a wreck and I have no time or energy to clean it up, D hounds me non-stop for sex etc. and damnit I hurt too bad-I'm too tired-too stressed-to even think or care about having sex right now and he is a really messy person and doesn't help around the house unless I demand a million times and end up yelling at him like a mad woman. Tuesday it all came to a head and I told him how I feel, that we have two separate lives and are just living together and how I feel like I'm still fighting for his love and attention just like I did in highschool and he basically told me our marriage is over because we hate each other--but I don't hate him--and then I had to go back to work after my lunch break was over which was when all this happened and act like nothing was wrong in my life. We talked and decided to start over and go from there and went to dinner that night and had a great night and then last night I couldn't put up with his fidgiting any longer and yelled at him to please please please stop because I'd asked a million times and he got all "woe is me" upset saying "Nothing's changed, I knew nothing would change" and wouldn't even listen when I tried to explain that it won't be shiny happy all the time, there will be times when I'm upset or even mad at him, it's only human. Then tonight I asked him to go look at my mom's toilet and he wouldn't and because of something else really horrible that had just happened which I will explain later I said fine and hung up on him so now he's pulling the whole "nothing's changed" crap on me again when that is the LEAST of my stressors right mom quit her good job she had for over 20 years to work at a school 9 months of the year making less per hour than I do because she thought they were going to get married and 2 years later they are no closer to getting married than they were back then and a while back the school told her to quit her 2nd job to work more overtime at the school so she did, then a week later the stupid HR department completely cut overtime, it's not allowed anymore. So now my mom is constantly poor and I can't do anything about it and she can't find another good paying 2nd job and they cut the position at her old one...and my dad and stepmom are getting a divorce which makes my psycho grandma even more psycho and I've had to put up with her calling me and badmouthing my little sister who is apparently in her words "A lying piece of crap good for nothing bitch" and telling me she's got a gun and is going to use it on my stepmom and stepsister when they're not doing a damn thing to her and then she said she'd kill herself last. I tried to talk to her and told her flat out that she's insane and that it hurts my feelings really bad that she'd ruin her life doing that and then kill herself especially KNOWING that my cousin killed himself my senior year of highschool and he was like my brother, I grew up with him--he killed himself as he was about to graduate college because his girlfriend ran off with a druggy and left him all alone and the family was supposed to go up and visit him but couldn't because my mom was scared to drive in St. Louis where he lived and then he killed himself a couple weeks later--so my grandma is insane but now she says she's fine but she's still calling my little sister harrassing her for wanting to move out on her own (hello she's a married woman but her husband lives in CA because he's a marine about to go back to Iraq for the 2nd time--another stressor by the way) but my grandma says she needs to stay and support my dad who is on disability because the government has deemed him basically a danger to the workforce because of his mental issues and my sister calls me all the time because my stepmom or dad are fighting with her or my grandma's harrassing her or WHATEVER and I have to sit and listen to her and console her because she tried to kill herself twice in highschool and I am the only person she has to talk to or get help from so if I tell her I can't hear it anymore what if it gets too bad and she finally succeeds in killing herself. It would be my cousin all over again and I can't lose her too, she means the world to me. I've been trying to protect her since she was born--when I'd spend the night with my dad when I was a little girl (my parents have been divorced since I was 1) him and my stepmom would ALWAYS fight, like bad and as my dad was shoving my stepmom down the stares or pulling her hair or hitting her or hitting my stepbrother or sister or torturing the cat or whatever I'd always put a blanket over my sister's head to shield her from it and then I'd call my mom to have her come get me and I never told my mom a lot of what happened because I was a little girl and I was scared--but I have to be there for my sister--and my inlaws of course are a whole other issue, getting all upset and ticked that we're always with my mom but then they NEVER call to see if we want to come to dinner or see if they can keep Hailey for the day or night or whatever and my nephews are ALWAYS over there, they might as well be raising them themselves because my sister in law apparently likes the idea of having children a lot more than actually taking care of them...and then there's my dad. He has ruined my life since before I was born, when he wouldn't allow my mom to eat much while she was pregnant and refused to let her breastfeed because it was "gross" etc...because of him I was raised by a single, poor mother who was always too exhausted from working so hard to really enjoy my childhood or play with me much or do anything. My dad tried to kill himself after Christmas, then seemed to pull his act together and we even went over there a couple times for dinner and had a great time. I thought having his kids rally around him and show him love would help with the pain of my stepmom leaving him. I was so wrong. He invited my brother(from yet another woman, this one he cheated on my mom with which resulted in my brother being born) back down to live with him and expects my sister to support him, my brother AND my brother's brother because they can't get jobs because they are losers with felonies against them so not even Taco Bell will hire them. So now my dad who is an alcoholic is always drunk again and smoking weed again. He's also got a ton of health problems including emphazema(sp?) which has him coughing up chunks of bloody tissue and he refuses to quit smoking, his one kidney he has left is failing and his liver is failing and now he has diabetes and he's had a heart attack in the past so he's probably going to die before too long because the dr.s told him there's not a whole lot they can do and he's only 45 freaking years old. My mom is puppysitting my sister's puppy that she had NO business getting while she's gone on a 2 week trip to CA to see her husband before he leaves for Iraq again and it's pooping and peeing all over my mom's house which is totally completely DISGUSTING--I am NOT a dog person, sorry--and my mom's upstairs toilet is leaking really bad but she can't call the landlord over to look at it because she's not supposed to have a dog, he'd evict her and it's a really nice place and she can't afford to move so I told my sister today we're taking the dog back to my dad's and she said that's fine and called him to let him know. I called him before I went to my physical therapy tonight to make sure he knew what was going on and he didn't even recognize my voice on the phone. He finally realized who it was and I told him I was bringing the dog back and he asked if I could do it another night. I told him no it had to be tonight because my mom and I are both busy tomorrow night (her on a date w/ the guy that still hasn't married her, me w/ my inlaws trying to please them so they don't cut Hailey out of their lives for good) and he said "Well to be honest with you I'm pretty lit. I've been drinking all afternoon because of the bitch over there." (It was 5:00 when I called) I told him to take it easy on himself and that I would bring the dog in and take her upstairs and get her situated and then just leave. He asked what time I'd be there, I told him maybe 7:30 but I wasn't sure. I hurt so bad last night I couldn't get to sleep...I laid in bed in pain, my hips and knees throbbing. I'm exhausted today. I hurt really bad at physical therapy, I left in pain again, I went hom and disappointed my husband who'd planned to stay home w/ the family tonight by telling him to go to work because we had to take the dog back to my dad's and I rushed Hailey through eating because I wanted to get her home at a decent time and she ended up not wanting to eat and me not having time to make her something else so she ate some corn and a yogurt for dinner. We rushed her out the door, went by my mom's grabbed the dog and drove back all the way across town to my dad's. I got out, got the dog and all it's crap out, went to the front door...the lights were all on, the TV was blaring, the car was gone...and I rang the doorbell. No answer. Rang it again and again and again...I banged on the door, I kicked the door, I yelled, I banged on the front window, I went to the back, I called them, and not one of the three men that live there came to the door. They probably weren't even there even though I SAID I was coming by. What makes this whole thing worse is that when Hailey realized where we wer going on the way there she BEGGED me to see her papa. I had to tell her he was sick and she couldn't. When in reality he was too drunk/stoned off his ass. We had to get back in the car and take the dog back home. I called D to see if he could look at my mom's toilet and my mom kept saying "Don't worry about it tell him he can this weekend" and I just lost it and told her to quit talking. Instead of thinking to herself wow she's just been really let down by her dad etc. maybe I better just leave her alone, she kept on and kept on and kept on til I yelled at her to be quiet. Then she yelled at me not to treat her like that. ARE PEOPLE THAT SELFISH???? I've got D telling me nothing's changed, my mom upset because OH GOD I yelled at her to be quiet when HELLO MY LIFE IS FALLING APART! I am through with the loser that is my father. It breaks my heart to no end that not only has he ruined my life and I've had to see the horrible things I've seen because of him and feel the horrible things I've had to feel, but it also breaks my heart that he made life so hard on my mom too and also that Hailey loves him so much and he's a worthless piece of shit...I can't even take my daughter to see her papa on Valentine's Day because he's wasted out of his mind.

I get up every day, exhausted, hurting like hell, force myself to get ready and despite everything I'm in a genuinely happy mood and I wake Hailey up, get her ready, take her to school, drive 20 mph over the speed limit to get to work 10 minutes late, go in every single day stressed that that's the day they're going to fire me because of it...I bust my butt in an Accounting job that I have no interest in whatsoever, get bitched at by pissy people on the phone all day, can't keep up with my work because it's more than one person can do by themself and I try to put on a happy face and act like everything's normal while I sit on my heating pad and cry inside because I just want to be home with my daughter and not miss out on her life like my mom did on mine. I leave work, go pick up Hailey, get home about 5:30, have to figure out what to do for dinner even though I'm so exhausted and hurt too bad and feel like I just want to sit in the recliner under my heated blanket w/ ice packs on my knees and watch a movie with my daughter. I'm in constant stress at home because my house is a wreck and my husband genuinely doesn't care because my mother in law gave up while she had 2 boys and a husband living under her roof so he grew up in near squalor. I have to give Hailey a bath some nights and then by the time I lay down w/ her to put her to bed (I love this time, cuddling and reading to her) when we turn the light off after she falls asleep I crash. My husband wakes me up after he gets home from work about 10:30, expects me to have sex with him and gets pissed when I refuse night after night after night which hurts my feelings that he doesn't care how damn tired I am or how bad I'm hurting or ANYTHING going on with my I go to bed w/ him pissed off at me, pass out and do the same thing all over again the next day.

Thank God for my mom, she's been my saving grace. Her family was too until my cousin killed himself and my grandma died, then the rest of her family just sort of took to themselves and faded away. My mom has been so strong over the years and because of her I haven't had to be completely immersed in the horrible happenings of my dad's family over the years. Because of her I'm able to live a somewhat normal life, despite all this stress, and do normal things and strive to better my life and Hailey's.

It breaks my heart that I can't make things better for Hailey. I wanted her life to be totally different than mine. I wanted her to have a mom and dad who got along and loved each other dearly and stood united...I wanted her to grow up in a house, not a rental like I did. I wanted her to never have to hear the fighting I did. She was a surprise, I wasn't ready for a baby. I didn't have the overwhelming love for her when she was born that a mother normally has for a child. That took time, but before that happened I just went through the motions, I got mad when she wouldn't go to sleep at night, sometimes I even yelled and GOD she was just a baby. I'm a damn good mother, I know that. She's so incredibly smart and sweet and caring and polite and I know I played a big part in that. But I'll never be able to take back those first 6 months of her life and it makes me hurt even more that I can't make the rest of her life even better than I'd dreamed.

Don't judge me for using the term but my dad's side of the family is a bit white trash. I'm not. I keep a lot of this crap hidden because I don't want to be seen like that. Because I'm not like that. I'm a normal person, I look normal, I act normal. I just have a lot of secrets that are very hard to deal with on my own. And I'm 25 but have the health problems of a 50+ year old person and that makes it very hard to handle all of my physical demands on my own...which makes it even harder in turn to handle all my emotional demands and stresses.

I am a good mom. I am a good person. I have a lot on my plate. Some days are good. Others aren't. This is my life.

I need your opinions!

I'm finally ordering a sling. I've decided to try the Light On Shoulder slings because of the review they got over at Simple Reviews, the construction/style of the sling and the awesome price. My problem is I can't decide between two colors/patterns! Which do you like the best?

This one is on's a seersucker fabric...I'm just not sure if I'm in love w/ it or not...

I really like this one, esp. the shiny dark blue color...but wouldn't it get too hot in the summer?? It's a cotton sateen fabric...

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Ick (and Cars are for girls too!)

Ugh, I'm sick of stomach issues. I'm quite sure they've flared up because of all the stress in my life right now. D and I hadn't been getting along, my stepmom and dad are still in the middle of a messy divorce--that's brought all kinds of lovely issues to our lives--work hasn't been the greatest and I'm also trying to deal w/ my health issues and going to physical therapy twice a week which makes me not get home til late those nights. Yesterday the problems between D and I came to a head at lunch time and it was pretty obvious that my stress has been, if not actually causing the stomach issues, at least irritating them to some degree. Luckily we worked things out (I hope it sticks), had my mom come watch Hailey for the evening and went on a much needed date night to celebrate Valentine's Day a little early. We went out to eat and I was STARVING after not eating much for the past few days (and actually I hadn't eaten anything for lunch yesterday at all because of the issues between D and I) so even though I didn't completely pig out, I probably didn't make the best choices as far as the type of food I ate. I had about 2/3 of a salad--hard on my stomach, but I LOOOOVE salad!--two mozzarella sticks, 5 fried shrimp, a few fries, a few bites of cole slaw and a little parfait thing w/ crushed oreos, chocolate mousse and whipped cream. SO GOOD. I'm paying for it today though. I woke up this morning feeling sick and snoozed the alarm for 20 minutes before I felt like I could get out of bed without throwing up. I got to work 10 minutes late and I've been running to the bathroom off and on all morning. Lovely. I've also got some lovely indigestion to go along with it. I haven't had these problems since I worked at my last job. It's amazing what stress can do to your body.

We did have a great date night though. We talked while we ate and then ran over to the mall to get Jelly Bellies for me and a book for him, although he didn't end up buying one. We bought my mom a small Valentine's Day present (comfy fuzzy socks and some choc. covered almonds) and D got Hailey a little present from him--she's OBSESSED with the movie Cars lately...we've watched it at least once a day for the past month--a Lightening McQueen car, Doc Hudson and my favorite, Guido and Luigi! Guido even has a removable wig of hair--from the race scene, the red/white/green fro! Too cute! We had a really good time. Hopefully we can continue like this and start building our relationship back up again.

Hailey's sitter got Hailey the Mater car and gave it to her this morning...she immediately hugged it to her chest and instructed everyone not to touch it. She LOVES Mater. I'm sure she's not going to let that thing out of her site now! It may even replace her Cars blanket as her new "lovie!" :o)

It's Potty Time!

A few weeks ago we went to the library to get Hailey a few new bedtime books. I picked out this one about a little boy named Joe who needs to use the potty. Each page features a different animal, complete with little butt crack, sitting on a little red potty. Hailey LOVES it! We read it every night. Sometimes Hailey even reads it to me. On the page with the elephant she says "Elephant go potty, THUMP!" because it says something like "Nellie Elephant sits on the potty with a thump!" At the end Joe goes potty in the potty and the book says "Well done, Joe!" Hailey says "Good job Joe!!!" She loves the page with the little mouse on it. She says the mouse is going poop. :o) I'm not sure if it's because of this book or if something just clicked in her little head, but Hailey has been using the potty a lot lately! Last night while D and I went out for an early Valentine's dinner my mom gave Hailey a bath. She told my mom she needed to poop. My mom told her if she pooped in the water she wasn't going to be very happy and asked her if she needed to poop in her potty. Hailey said no. A few minutes later she said she had to poop again. My mom told her if she poops in the tub she'll get poop on her boppies, on her toys and on her! She asked her again if she needed to poop in the potty and told her she could get back in the bathtub when she was done. This time Hailey said yes. She didn't poop but she peed! When we got home she took me in the bathroom to show me her pee and wanted me to dump it. We were so proud! Then this morning Hailey was a little cranky and not so ready to get out of bed. She kept saying she needed to poop again. I asked her if she wanted to go in the potty and she said no. I told her to lay down on the living room floor and let me put a clean diaper on her and then she could poop. She laid down, I took her diaper off and then she yelled at me "I WANNA GO ON THE POTTY!" I helped her up and told her to go in there. She went and sat down and peed and peed and peed for the longest time! I was SO PROUD of her! She acted like it was no big thang, like it's old news...she stood up, I wiped her, told her good job and she told me to dump it. She's doing so well, we really hope this continues!! At this rate she may be well on the way to being potty trained by the time she turns two!

Monday, February 11, 2008

My stomach problems

For a few days now my stomach problems have really been acting up for some reason...I've woken up nauseous, been bloated all day, the whole bit, which hasn't happened this bad in quite a while. Then Saturday evening I wasn't feeling so hot but I thought I just needed to eat. After I put Hailey to bed Dan ran to Taco Bell and got me a chicken taco platter. I didn't even eat half of it--totally not worth the money btw--and started to feel even worse. By the time we went to bed at midnight my stomach was hurting and making me feel a little nauseous. I woke up at 3:30am with the worst stomach pains I've ever had in my life. I curled up on the bathroom floor. It felt like somebody was stabbing me in my stomach from the top of my stomach down to my belly button. The pain would always be there but it would get worse in waves. Finally the pain got so bad it made me nauseous and I threw up. I called my mom and told her I needed to go to the ER when throwing up didn't make the pain stop. It was horrible, I've never felt pain like that. Not even childbirth, seriously. I could barely walk and I couldn't stand up straight. I got to the ER and they took blood and put an IV line in and gave me a shot of Zofran and Toradol in the IV finally and then made me drink a GI cocktail which consists of either Maalox or Mylanta I don't know which, something to neutralize the acid in my stomach and something they put on a patient's lacerations when they get hurt. The stuff numbed my throat so I was hoping it would numb my stomach too. After a while I was finally able to get up and pee in a cup and then lay back down. The meds helped but didn't make it totally go away. By the time I left the sun was up and I was able to walk to the car and even have conversations with my mom. I was still hurting some, but nothing compared to how I had been a few hours before. Thank God for the dr. at the ER...he gave me a prescription for Zofran and Percocet. That way if this ever happens again I'll be prepared. I came home and passed out on the couch and woke up a few hours later to Hailey saying "Mommy?" I woke my mom up and she went to get her from her bedroom. She was SUPER excited that my mom was there in the morning, it was a huge surprise for her. My mom got her ready and took her to her house for the day. Hailey never goes anywhere without us except for daycare because I miss her so much after working all spending the day with my mom was really good for her, she had so much fun. I slept til about 11:30 on the couch and then went and crawled in bed and slept til 1:30 or so. I woke up and sat around for a while and then went back to bed and read for about 30 mins. and fell back to sleep til about 4:30 or so. My mom brought Hailey home around 6:30 and brought me some chicken noodle soup, PB crackers, lemon lime gatorade and jello. Thank God for her, that's all I can say. Hailey was wonderful all night, giving me my crackers and making sure I drink my "juice." She also told us she needed to go potty and she peed in the potty again!! YAY!!!

My stomach problems have gotten bad in the past, but never THAT bad. Hopefully this was a one time thing. I woke up this morning when my alarm went off and I still didn't feel so hot. My cat had just pooed in her litter box which is in the master bathroom and my husband's stale morning breathe was filling the room so I went to the living room and laid on the couch. I reset my alarm for 30 mins. later. I did that until right after 7:00 and then called into work to tell them what was going on and my boss told me to stay home and get to feeling better. D got up and went to school and I slept til Hailey woke up about 8:30 and I got her ready to go to school. She peed in the potty AGAIN this morning! She is such a good girl! I didn't even ask her, I was just about to put on a clean diaper and she said "NO! I have to go pee in the potty!" and she went and peed. That's 3 times the past few days, YEA! Of course she didn't tonight, but oh well she's still making progress. I laid on the couch all day and tried to make myself eat crackers and some soup for lunch. My husband called like 3 times to see how I was doing which is so unlike him and very sweet. The ER called to check up on me (I love our hospital) and my sister called bored from CA while her husband was at work. It wasn't the most restfull day unfortunately but I did get to lay on the couch most of the day. D came home from school and we went to pick Hailey up early because the roads were getting icy. We were completely out of diapers so we had to stop at Walmart which I was not happy about at ALL. I hadn't even washed my face or brushed my hair today, I looked and felt like hell. We grabbed one of those rotisserie chickens they make (so good and only like $4.50) and when we got home I actually cooked some cheesey potatoes, green beans, biscuits and cinnamon biscuits to go along with the chicken. I haven't done squat around here for how many days now, it was the least I could do. I ate a little bit and then D played with Hailey for a couple hours til he had to go to work. She was such a good girl tonight watching my show with me on TLC and then going to bed really easily. I'll be able to go back to work tomorrow, thank goodness. I'm still feeling a little off but at least I'm not getting sick anymore.

Oh and the blood tests all came back okay from the gall bladder problems etc. so that's good.

Friday, February 8, 2008

A certain store that I should probably live VERY far away from is having a big sale. 40% off all baby and kids clothes. I got Hailey 16 items for $77. I believe she's set for summer now!

Some of the items I purchased:

Potty Like a Rockstar

Hailey insisted on sitting on her potty last night for a really long time. D was watching her. I was doing laundry. Hailey kept running into the kitchen butt naked, streaking by and tormenting me. Finally we told her if she was just going to play around she needed to put some clothes on. She YELLED at us "NO! I HAVE TO GO POTTY!" and she sat down...and peed. Please God let this be a good sign that she is closer to being potty trained!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

It's a love/hate relationship...

So I finally broke down today and bought a new pair of work shoes. I'm not sure if I like them. Actually I don't really love them. They're cute, they're just not me. I wear clogs w/ khakis to work so these are a bit off the beaten path for me...they're brown by the way, they look black in the picture.
So then I ran by Gap because I still had my $40 gift card that D's grandparents gave me for Christmas. I tried on a pair of khakis because I am seriously in need of some new ones. The 2 pair I have are from before I got pregnant with pair is so tight on my belly it gives me a serious muffin top (uncomfortable!!) and the other pair are so shredded around the bottoms and stained from the charcoal crap they put on the roads in the winter! The pants at Gap were so cute...straight leg but they didn't look tapered and yet they weren't too baggy either. They were perfect! I grabbed a 2 Ankle and went to the dressing room...HUGE. I mean I pulled them up w/out unbuttoning them and they gaped off me. I walked out of the room and the salesgirl was like "OMG those are huge on you!" Of course they don't carry a 0 Ankle in the store so I tried on a 0 regular to see if they at least fit. They fit but they gaped off my waist in the back a good 2 inches!! WHY do they make pants to do this?? It's like you can't be curvy and find pants to fit anymore! GRRRRR So I bought these two shirts instead...the 3/4 sleeved one I bought in a light blue color but of course they don't have that color online. It's really soft but the neck is a little wide so I don't know if I'll keep it...and the tank shoes my bra straps, so I don't know if I'll keep it either! I think it's really cute though...

Yesterday I'd found a pair of shoes that I really liked online at Penney's but of course they didn't have my size in either the black OR the brown. I got back from lunch today and thought I'd check again JUST IN CASE and lo and behold they had my size in brown. I ordered them. I like the black ones better online but I'm hoping I'll love the brown ones in person.
For having no style sense I'm so freaking picky! So now I have 2 pairs of brown shoes and no black ones!! I'm going to wait til I get the others in the mail and see which ones I like better and take back the ones I don't like. In the meantime I'm still on the lookout for a cheap pair of black shoes that aren't hideous. Seriously, I need help. I love shopping but I have no idea what is in style or how to put outfits together or what looks good on me, which makes me hate shopping for myself!! Sometimes I wish somebody would nominate me for that show What Not To Wear on TLC! But then I'd have to give up my nice comfy sweats that I sleep in and my worn in comfy clogs that I wear everywhere (even work!!) and be forced to spend $200 on a pair of pants that I have to dry clean and that would just make me sick to my stomach...jeez I really am picky.