Tuesday, February 19, 2008

My grandma bailed my dad out. After saying no, she caved. I have no idea what'll happen to him now. I'm not sure how the whole process works...I guess he goes to court and then maybe goes back to jail?? I had to go take pictures of his hands Saturday to give to his lawyer. He said to prove he didn't hit anybody. I only did it to keep my family safe. He's insane...I can't be on his bad side. I told him I wasn't bringing Hailey. She was at my mom's. I made D go with me. We were there not even 5 minutes. I made my brother wake my dad up when we got there so I could take the pictures. I didn't listen to anything they said about what happened. I took the pictures and we left...actually we were walking out the door as my brother was still trying to bullshit with D about playing golf sometime (wow, my brother playing golf...that is a hilarious thought). I hate it that the pictures are on my camera. And I'm so embarrassed to go to Walmart and print them off. I mean how weird is that, some guy's beat up hands... I'm out of ink for my little photo printer and have no time to run by the office supply store--the only place in town that sells it alone (Walmart only sells it in a package with photo paper which thanks to my mother in law I may never need to buy). It's so hard. I feel so torn because on one hand he is my dad. That'll never change. I still love him. But he's a horrible person. But yet I can't be mean to him. I guess I'm just too nice of a person...for now I'm just glad everybody's leaving me alone and letting me stay out of everything.

I have this gawd awful cold again. Started coming down with it Saturday. It never ends! We got rid of it after weeks, had a week or so vacation from it then BOOM it hits me again. I hope to God Hailey doesn't get it, or my mom for that matter--she has asthma, it hit her really hard last time. Yesterday Hailey and I woke up at 10. We had a work holiday thank God. I felt HORRIBLE. Exhausted, just wiped out and horrible. Hailey was doing everything in her power to annoy me and then laughing in my face. Seriously. She's her dad made over. What have I gotten myself into?? It took me over 30 minutes to get her dressed, which is not normal...usually I can at least hold her down and get her clothes on her. She's getting so big though. Finally I lost it and grabbed her and plopped her down in her bed and yelled at her that I'd had enough and she was being so bad and Mommy was TIRED and didn't feel good so she was in bed in time out. She just sat there and I shut her door and walked off. I felt horrible for doing it, but I was so MAD. I never do that sort of thing. Normally I ignore her silly antics and do what I need to do and she eventually sees that it's not getting to me and she stops whatever she was doing to try to annoy me. She wasn't even really being that bad now that I look at it. I just felt SO CRAPPY. Finally we loaded up in the car and went to my mom's. We went by the store and I got something to eat. I ate lunch, went upstairs to my mom's bed and fell asleep. Hailey told my mom "Mommy's tired." :( They woke me up at 5:30 and I was STILL exhausted and felt like crap. We left my mom's at 7 or so and Hailey fell asleep in the car since she'd refused to nap that day. I couldn't get her to wake up til 8:30...I just started putting her pj's on her at which point she cried "BAAAATH, Mommy, BAAAATH!" The kid never wants to take a bath! ????? So she took a loooong bath, I fed her Spaghettios while she played in the tub and then my hip started hurting, bad. D got home from work, had absolutely no sympathy whatsoever for me, got Hailey all riled up by chasing her around the house and roughhousing with her. Hailey told me I scared her. I asked her what I did, she said "Mommy said NO NO NO!" and shook her little finger. Talk about making me feel like a horrible mother. I hope so God she was just being silly, because she'd just said Daddy scared her too...hopefully she wasn't referring to when I plopped her in her bed and yelled at her. You better believe I won't be doing that again. It breaks my heart to think I may have actually SCARED her. :( Long story short, I didn't get to bed til 1:00am. My hip had a sharp pain shooting through the joint, like a needle was poking me repeatedly...I was coughing and felt like crap. I finally got all situated in bed and realized I hadn't taken any cough medicine. I asked D if he would get it for me. He told me no in not so nice words and basically told me if I hurt that bad I can get it myself. NICE. I lost it and told him that's exactly the reason I brought up divorce. I got up and took my medicine. Went back to bed, my hip hurting even worse and now w/ an upset stomach from the lovely DayQuil (ICKY stuff). My hip was hurting so bad I was almost in tears. I very reluctantly asked D to go heat up my heart pillow in the microwave. It's a pillow filled with rice and buckwheat or something like that that you can heat up. I had it resting on my bad hip. He threw the covers back, SLAMMED his hand down on the heart pillow and stormed off to the kitchen. OMG it hurt so bad when he hit my hip like that. I know he didn't mean to hit my hip, but damnit he did and he didn't even give a crap. I couldn't help but cry, it hurt so bad...he came back to bed and threw the pillow at me, never even saying sorry. I told him I'm sick of him not caring a bit about me, or anybody but himself for that matter. He didn't say a word. I haven't heard from him yet today. Honestly, I don't even care. I try and I try and he does so well and is so nice and then BOOM he acts like that all of a sudden and it hurts my feelings so bad and makes me feel so unloved and worthless, I'm just completely and totally sick of it. He is either a really selfish, self-centered person or he's still incredibly immature w/ no signs of growing up. UGH!

Today at work has been one problem after another. I woke up hurting, nauseous, cramping from that time of the month, the whole bit. Luckily people here at work are being nice but still everything has gone wrong. And a guy at the bank was incredibly rude to me about ordering checks, even though it was THEIR mistake I was calling about. Nice.

I'm about to go to lunch and read Potter. Hopefully that'll give me a little break and this afternoon will go better.

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