I get up every day, exhausted, hurting like hell, force myself to get ready and despite everything I'm in a genuinely happy mood and I wake Hailey up, get her ready, take her to school, drive 20 mph over the speed limit to get to work 10 minutes late, go in every single day stressed that that's the day they're going to fire me because of it...I bust my butt in an Accounting job that I have no interest in whatsoever, get bitched at by pissy people on the phone all day, can't keep up with my work because it's more than one person can do by themself and I try to put on a happy face and act like everything's normal while I sit on my heating pad and cry inside because I just want to be home with my daughter and not miss out on her life like my mom did on mine. I leave work, go pick up Hailey, get home about 5:30, have to figure out what to do for dinner even though I'm so exhausted and hurt too bad and feel like I just want to sit in the recliner under my heated blanket w/ ice packs on my knees and watch a movie with my daughter. I'm in constant stress at home because my house is a wreck and my husband genuinely doesn't care because my mother in law gave up while she had 2 boys and a husband living under her roof so he grew up in near squalor. I have to give Hailey a bath some nights and then by the time I lay down w/ her to put her to bed (I love this time, cuddling and reading to her) when we turn the light off after she falls asleep I crash. My husband wakes me up after he gets home from work about 10:30, expects me to have sex with him and gets pissed when I refuse night after night after night which hurts my feelings that he doesn't care how damn tired I am or how bad I'm hurting or ANYTHING going on with my life...so I go to bed w/ him pissed off at me, pass out and do the same thing all over again the next day.
Thank God for my mom, she's been my saving grace. Her family was too until my cousin killed himself and my grandma died, then the rest of her family just sort of took to themselves and faded away. My mom has been so strong over the years and because of her I haven't had to be completely immersed in the horrible happenings of my dad's family over the years. Because of her I'm able to live a somewhat normal life, despite all this stress, and do normal things and strive to better my life and Hailey's.
It breaks my heart that I can't make things better for Hailey. I wanted her life to be totally different than mine. I wanted her to have a mom and dad who got along and loved each other dearly and stood united...I wanted her to grow up in a house, not a rental like I did. I wanted her to never have to hear the fighting I did. She was a surprise, I wasn't ready for a baby. I didn't have the overwhelming love for her when she was born that a mother normally has for a child. That took time, but before that happened I just went through the motions, I got mad when she wouldn't go to sleep at night, sometimes I even yelled and GOD she was just a baby. I'm a damn good mother, I know that. She's so incredibly smart and sweet and caring and polite and I know I played a big part in that. But I'll never be able to take back those first 6 months of her life and it makes me hurt even more that I can't make the rest of her life even better than I'd dreamed.
Don't judge me for using the term but my dad's side of the family is a bit white trash. I'm not. I keep a lot of this crap hidden because I don't want to be seen like that. Because I'm not like that. I'm a normal person, I look normal, I act normal. I just have a lot of secrets that are very hard to deal with on my own. And I'm 25 but have the health problems of a 50+ year old person and that makes it very hard to handle all of my physical demands on my own...which makes it even harder in turn to handle all my emotional demands and stresses.
I am a good mom. I am a good person. I have a lot on my plate. Some days are good. Others aren't. This is my life.