Thursday, February 14, 2008

This is my life

I can't even begin to describe how hurt, upset and incredibly freaking pissed I am at this very moment. Before I was even born my dad began ruining my life. I am done. I can't do it anymore. I'm trying to hold it together, trying really hard to have a normal life for Hailey's sake. Aside from her, nothing's right. My health is bad, trying to get better takes even more time out of my already too-busy life, I'm always exhausted, I'm constantly stressed about my job, my house is a wreck and I have no time or energy to clean it up, D hounds me non-stop for sex etc. and damnit I hurt too bad-I'm too tired-too stressed-to even think or care about having sex right now and he is a really messy person and doesn't help around the house unless I demand a million times and end up yelling at him like a mad woman. Tuesday it all came to a head and I told him how I feel, that we have two separate lives and are just living together and how I feel like I'm still fighting for his love and attention just like I did in highschool and he basically told me our marriage is over because we hate each other--but I don't hate him--and then I had to go back to work after my lunch break was over which was when all this happened and act like nothing was wrong in my life. We talked and decided to start over and go from there and went to dinner that night and had a great night and then last night I couldn't put up with his fidgiting any longer and yelled at him to please please please stop because I'd asked a million times and he got all "woe is me" upset saying "Nothing's changed, I knew nothing would change" and wouldn't even listen when I tried to explain that it won't be shiny happy all the time, there will be times when I'm upset or even mad at him, it's only human. Then tonight I asked him to go look at my mom's toilet and he wouldn't and because of something else really horrible that had just happened which I will explain later I said fine and hung up on him so now he's pulling the whole "nothing's changed" crap on me again when that is the LEAST of my stressors right mom quit her good job she had for over 20 years to work at a school 9 months of the year making less per hour than I do because she thought they were going to get married and 2 years later they are no closer to getting married than they were back then and a while back the school told her to quit her 2nd job to work more overtime at the school so she did, then a week later the stupid HR department completely cut overtime, it's not allowed anymore. So now my mom is constantly poor and I can't do anything about it and she can't find another good paying 2nd job and they cut the position at her old one...and my dad and stepmom are getting a divorce which makes my psycho grandma even more psycho and I've had to put up with her calling me and badmouthing my little sister who is apparently in her words "A lying piece of crap good for nothing bitch" and telling me she's got a gun and is going to use it on my stepmom and stepsister when they're not doing a damn thing to her and then she said she'd kill herself last. I tried to talk to her and told her flat out that she's insane and that it hurts my feelings really bad that she'd ruin her life doing that and then kill herself especially KNOWING that my cousin killed himself my senior year of highschool and he was like my brother, I grew up with him--he killed himself as he was about to graduate college because his girlfriend ran off with a druggy and left him all alone and the family was supposed to go up and visit him but couldn't because my mom was scared to drive in St. Louis where he lived and then he killed himself a couple weeks later--so my grandma is insane but now she says she's fine but she's still calling my little sister harrassing her for wanting to move out on her own (hello she's a married woman but her husband lives in CA because he's a marine about to go back to Iraq for the 2nd time--another stressor by the way) but my grandma says she needs to stay and support my dad who is on disability because the government has deemed him basically a danger to the workforce because of his mental issues and my sister calls me all the time because my stepmom or dad are fighting with her or my grandma's harrassing her or WHATEVER and I have to sit and listen to her and console her because she tried to kill herself twice in highschool and I am the only person she has to talk to or get help from so if I tell her I can't hear it anymore what if it gets too bad and she finally succeeds in killing herself. It would be my cousin all over again and I can't lose her too, she means the world to me. I've been trying to protect her since she was born--when I'd spend the night with my dad when I was a little girl (my parents have been divorced since I was 1) him and my stepmom would ALWAYS fight, like bad and as my dad was shoving my stepmom down the stares or pulling her hair or hitting her or hitting my stepbrother or sister or torturing the cat or whatever I'd always put a blanket over my sister's head to shield her from it and then I'd call my mom to have her come get me and I never told my mom a lot of what happened because I was a little girl and I was scared--but I have to be there for my sister--and my inlaws of course are a whole other issue, getting all upset and ticked that we're always with my mom but then they NEVER call to see if we want to come to dinner or see if they can keep Hailey for the day or night or whatever and my nephews are ALWAYS over there, they might as well be raising them themselves because my sister in law apparently likes the idea of having children a lot more than actually taking care of them...and then there's my dad. He has ruined my life since before I was born, when he wouldn't allow my mom to eat much while she was pregnant and refused to let her breastfeed because it was "gross" etc...because of him I was raised by a single, poor mother who was always too exhausted from working so hard to really enjoy my childhood or play with me much or do anything. My dad tried to kill himself after Christmas, then seemed to pull his act together and we even went over there a couple times for dinner and had a great time. I thought having his kids rally around him and show him love would help with the pain of my stepmom leaving him. I was so wrong. He invited my brother(from yet another woman, this one he cheated on my mom with which resulted in my brother being born) back down to live with him and expects my sister to support him, my brother AND my brother's brother because they can't get jobs because they are losers with felonies against them so not even Taco Bell will hire them. So now my dad who is an alcoholic is always drunk again and smoking weed again. He's also got a ton of health problems including emphazema(sp?) which has him coughing up chunks of bloody tissue and he refuses to quit smoking, his one kidney he has left is failing and his liver is failing and now he has diabetes and he's had a heart attack in the past so he's probably going to die before too long because the dr.s told him there's not a whole lot they can do and he's only 45 freaking years old. My mom is puppysitting my sister's puppy that she had NO business getting while she's gone on a 2 week trip to CA to see her husband before he leaves for Iraq again and it's pooping and peeing all over my mom's house which is totally completely DISGUSTING--I am NOT a dog person, sorry--and my mom's upstairs toilet is leaking really bad but she can't call the landlord over to look at it because she's not supposed to have a dog, he'd evict her and it's a really nice place and she can't afford to move so I told my sister today we're taking the dog back to my dad's and she said that's fine and called him to let him know. I called him before I went to my physical therapy tonight to make sure he knew what was going on and he didn't even recognize my voice on the phone. He finally realized who it was and I told him I was bringing the dog back and he asked if I could do it another night. I told him no it had to be tonight because my mom and I are both busy tomorrow night (her on a date w/ the guy that still hasn't married her, me w/ my inlaws trying to please them so they don't cut Hailey out of their lives for good) and he said "Well to be honest with you I'm pretty lit. I've been drinking all afternoon because of the bitch over there." (It was 5:00 when I called) I told him to take it easy on himself and that I would bring the dog in and take her upstairs and get her situated and then just leave. He asked what time I'd be there, I told him maybe 7:30 but I wasn't sure. I hurt so bad last night I couldn't get to sleep...I laid in bed in pain, my hips and knees throbbing. I'm exhausted today. I hurt really bad at physical therapy, I left in pain again, I went hom and disappointed my husband who'd planned to stay home w/ the family tonight by telling him to go to work because we had to take the dog back to my dad's and I rushed Hailey through eating because I wanted to get her home at a decent time and she ended up not wanting to eat and me not having time to make her something else so she ate some corn and a yogurt for dinner. We rushed her out the door, went by my mom's grabbed the dog and drove back all the way across town to my dad's. I got out, got the dog and all it's crap out, went to the front door...the lights were all on, the TV was blaring, the car was gone...and I rang the doorbell. No answer. Rang it again and again and again...I banged on the door, I kicked the door, I yelled, I banged on the front window, I went to the back, I called them, and not one of the three men that live there came to the door. They probably weren't even there even though I SAID I was coming by. What makes this whole thing worse is that when Hailey realized where we wer going on the way there she BEGGED me to see her papa. I had to tell her he was sick and she couldn't. When in reality he was too drunk/stoned off his ass. We had to get back in the car and take the dog back home. I called D to see if he could look at my mom's toilet and my mom kept saying "Don't worry about it tell him he can this weekend" and I just lost it and told her to quit talking. Instead of thinking to herself wow she's just been really let down by her dad etc. maybe I better just leave her alone, she kept on and kept on and kept on til I yelled at her to be quiet. Then she yelled at me not to treat her like that. ARE PEOPLE THAT SELFISH???? I've got D telling me nothing's changed, my mom upset because OH GOD I yelled at her to be quiet when HELLO MY LIFE IS FALLING APART! I am through with the loser that is my father. It breaks my heart to no end that not only has he ruined my life and I've had to see the horrible things I've seen because of him and feel the horrible things I've had to feel, but it also breaks my heart that he made life so hard on my mom too and also that Hailey loves him so much and he's a worthless piece of shit...I can't even take my daughter to see her papa on Valentine's Day because he's wasted out of his mind.

I get up every day, exhausted, hurting like hell, force myself to get ready and despite everything I'm in a genuinely happy mood and I wake Hailey up, get her ready, take her to school, drive 20 mph over the speed limit to get to work 10 minutes late, go in every single day stressed that that's the day they're going to fire me because of it...I bust my butt in an Accounting job that I have no interest in whatsoever, get bitched at by pissy people on the phone all day, can't keep up with my work because it's more than one person can do by themself and I try to put on a happy face and act like everything's normal while I sit on my heating pad and cry inside because I just want to be home with my daughter and not miss out on her life like my mom did on mine. I leave work, go pick up Hailey, get home about 5:30, have to figure out what to do for dinner even though I'm so exhausted and hurt too bad and feel like I just want to sit in the recliner under my heated blanket w/ ice packs on my knees and watch a movie with my daughter. I'm in constant stress at home because my house is a wreck and my husband genuinely doesn't care because my mother in law gave up while she had 2 boys and a husband living under her roof so he grew up in near squalor. I have to give Hailey a bath some nights and then by the time I lay down w/ her to put her to bed (I love this time, cuddling and reading to her) when we turn the light off after she falls asleep I crash. My husband wakes me up after he gets home from work about 10:30, expects me to have sex with him and gets pissed when I refuse night after night after night which hurts my feelings that he doesn't care how damn tired I am or how bad I'm hurting or ANYTHING going on with my I go to bed w/ him pissed off at me, pass out and do the same thing all over again the next day.

Thank God for my mom, she's been my saving grace. Her family was too until my cousin killed himself and my grandma died, then the rest of her family just sort of took to themselves and faded away. My mom has been so strong over the years and because of her I haven't had to be completely immersed in the horrible happenings of my dad's family over the years. Because of her I'm able to live a somewhat normal life, despite all this stress, and do normal things and strive to better my life and Hailey's.

It breaks my heart that I can't make things better for Hailey. I wanted her life to be totally different than mine. I wanted her to have a mom and dad who got along and loved each other dearly and stood united...I wanted her to grow up in a house, not a rental like I did. I wanted her to never have to hear the fighting I did. She was a surprise, I wasn't ready for a baby. I didn't have the overwhelming love for her when she was born that a mother normally has for a child. That took time, but before that happened I just went through the motions, I got mad when she wouldn't go to sleep at night, sometimes I even yelled and GOD she was just a baby. I'm a damn good mother, I know that. She's so incredibly smart and sweet and caring and polite and I know I played a big part in that. But I'll never be able to take back those first 6 months of her life and it makes me hurt even more that I can't make the rest of her life even better than I'd dreamed.

Don't judge me for using the term but my dad's side of the family is a bit white trash. I'm not. I keep a lot of this crap hidden because I don't want to be seen like that. Because I'm not like that. I'm a normal person, I look normal, I act normal. I just have a lot of secrets that are very hard to deal with on my own. And I'm 25 but have the health problems of a 50+ year old person and that makes it very hard to handle all of my physical demands on my own...which makes it even harder in turn to handle all my emotional demands and stresses.

I am a good mom. I am a good person. I have a lot on my plate. Some days are good. Others aren't. This is my life.


Erin said...

Erin, I will pray for you!!!

Jaime said...

I'm so sorry to hear about all of this going on in your life. I hope you have a better day today.

Wendy said...


I am so sorry Erin that you have to deal with all of this:( I wish I was there right now to take you out for a nice girls night out!! Those can cure a lot of sadness. I know that things are hard with you and D, but you seem to always work through things. Sometimes other stresses can cause a relationship to suffer. Let me know if you need to vent...

Anonymous said...

came across this blog on random.

said a prayer for you.

God loves you and everyone else dealing with this situation.

Don't give up. And if you do feel like giving up, only give up to God.