Monday, December 31, 2007

2007 Year in Review, the Extended Version

I stole the Year in Review idea from Wendy. My memory's not the best in the world but I thought I'd give it a shot!

January: I was absolutely miserable this time last year because of my job situation. I re-read some posts from this month and it brought back horrible memories! I had forgotten just how bad it was. I was obsessed with finding a new job. Every day was a struggle then. On a more positive note, Hailey was starting to talk more and more this month. I'd forgotten how exciting it was to hear her say a single new word, like "bug," or how neat it was when I asked her "Where's the ball Hailey?" and she'd crawl to the ball. This was also the period of time when D and I really started having trouble with parenting clashes. I was so used to taking care of her every day and he was just starting to take notice of everything and we started having a few bumps along the way...disagreements over how I did things, like washing her off after dinner and making her cry...I knew she was fine, she just hated being washed off...he thought I was torturing her...things like that we fought over. At this point he wasn't ready to learn from me and he hadn't had enough experience w/ her himself to realize he was over-reacting.

Here are a couple snippets from posts last year that I loved:

January 12, 2007:
Evidently Home Depot is verrrrrrrry interesting to a 9 month old. It is so funny, as soon as I got Miss H out of the car she was pointing and pointing at the building and saying “uh, ah!” as if to say “Mommy please oh please oh pleeeeeeeeease can we go in there???” And once inside she was happy as pie. She LOVED the yellow Dyson vacuum cleaner. She wanted it. I told her some day I hope she can afford a Dyson, but that we sure can’t. It’s such a bummer, my aunt has a mini version, you know those little kid vacuums that look like the real thing just smaller…well she has a mini version of this exact vacuum Miss H fell in love with last night. But I know she would never get rid of it. The kids she watches like it too much, and they don’t sell them in stores, it’s a promotional item only. She bought it off Ebay. Miss H has a toy Hoover. Evidently she has expensive taste, because she does not like her Hoover. Maybe because it’s not a pretty yellow…who knows.

Hailey STILL to this day LOVES the yellow Dyson vacuum. This past Friday night when we were in Target Hailey's face lit up and she yelled "Mommy, yellow bacuum!!!" She absolutely loves it. At home, she now settles for her little Hoover and she is no longer afraid of the real vacuum. She turns her little Hoover on and tells me "Mommy I bacuum in living room! Mommy I bacuum in kitchen! Mommy I bacuum in there!" It's so cute to watch.

January 31, 2007:
Last night my mom and I went grocery shopping. I used to make my husband go with me, but he spent the whole time griping and not paying attention so I started going with my mom and now it’s so much fun. And Miss H LOVES shopping. She babbles and points at everything on the shelves and tries to grab whatever’s in reach. Usually Miss H has no problems waiting til we get home to eat…but last night evidently she was starving and we took a little too long for her liking, because when we got up to the checkout and started putting her baby foods and yogurts up on the conveyer belt thing she lunged at them yelling and was trying to poke her little finger through the yogurt tops. It was so funny! She wasn’t upset, just VERY excited at seeing all her food. She’s changing daily, it amazes me. Every single day she doesn’t something new and acts less like a little baby. It’s so hard to explain without someone actually seeing for themselves. This morning she was still tired, so when I was getting dressed she was fussing…she took her pacifier out of her mouth, looked right at me and gave me a big ol fake fuss, complete with a big juicy tear rolling down her cheek. She fell over on the floor and just lay there whimpering. So pitiful. And she’s been hugging me for a while now, but lately her hugs have been extra special. She grabs me around my neck and squeezes like she’s never going to let go, it’s the sweetest thing in the whole world. She comes over and climbs into my lap and stands up and just hugs and hugs me. Melts my heart every time. What on earth did I ever do without her???

I remember these hugs. I miss these hugs. Now she's in love with her Daddy too(which is a good thing) and he gets most of the hugs. She's not that cuddly of a child, she never has been. But I remember this phase, when I'd get my morning hugs.
And she STILL loves shopping. We can't go in Walmart without her asking(demanding) "Mommy, look at toys!" This post reminds me of my chubby, round little baby and how much she's changed over this past year.

February: This month Hailey started standing up on her own without pulling up on anything. I also realized I had to start watching what I do in front of her because she was understanding much more than I thought she would at that age. This month I also realized that I am having a lot of trouble managing everything on my own and that my new years resolution of making myself a priority again was going to be tougher than I thought. I remember that feeling, of always being so exhausted and frustrated at not even having time to shower. I remember going to work every day without makeup...I'd brush my teeth and hair, some days just wiping off my face, get dressed and go.

February 22, 2007: The Mommy Song

I had forgotten about The Mommy Song. How could I have forgotten?? It was beautiful. The Daddy Song too. How incredibly sweet. I'm not sure if what I had hoped for in the end of this post will ever happen. She usually yells at me "Music off!!" or "Too loud!" when I turn it on. She does love to sing herself though. Her favorite right now is Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. She also sings the ABC song, Itsy Bitsy Spider and Old McDonald.

February 26, 2007:
Sunday morning I woke up at yelling from Miss H. So I went back to bed. Woke up at 9...went and checked on her...still snoozing away! D and I woke up at 10:30 and honestly we flipped out a little...she hasn't slept that late since she had the stomach flu. We walked in her room to find her standing there in her crib, pointing at her special lamp her great-grandparents got her, and whispering "dat, dat!" She is so funny. Usually she stands up and yells at the door for us to come get her. I have no idea how long she was awake looking at her lamp. But at least we got some sleep, and she didn't seem like she was starving to death or anything surprisingly. She fought her nap again on Sunday. Finally D just laid her in bed with him, and I laid down as well. She cried, and tossed and turned, and cried. The only way I could get her to settle down was to rub on back and hold her really close and say "bye-o, bye-o baby bye-o" grandma used to rock me to sleep singing that when I was little, and oddly it soothes Miss H too. She FINALLY drifted off to sleep, and I slept w/ her from 1 to 3. I got her up at 3:30 to eat lunch. We went to the in-laws around 6 and Miss H didn't eat dinner til 8. She did however do something pretty darn amazing. One minute she was sitting on the floor next to me, the next she just stood up. She just stood up right there in the middle of the floor and just stood there, not wobbling or anything! Of course me, the wonderfully eloquent person that I am, could only think to say "um, um, um!" I was shocked. To see my little baby girl standing there next to me was a very odd sight. Needless to say I'm very proud.

This is when Hailey started sleeping in. She'd sleep later and then wake up and just play by herself for a while. SO NICE after so many months of so little sleep. Made for a much happier mommy! Hailey is STILL to this day soothed by me singing "Bye-O, bye-O, bye-O baby bye-O." This is so special to me since it always reminds me of my grandma. I'm so glad I could pass this on to Hailey since it was always so special to me. I don't know what it is about that little song, but even now if she's hysterical about a diaper change or getting hurt or anything I can sing that in her ear and she'll calm down.

February 28, 2007:
Ok so it was another big night for Miss H. She demonstrated to me how she can now put her big plastic coins in the slot on her talking piggy bank. I was very proud! Also, while I was videotaping us rolling around on the floor, out of nowhere she just stood up. Again! She just stood there. On the tape you can see her chest and head only, so you can’t tell she’s standing except I’m yelling “oh my gosh look you’re standing up on your own, H you’re standing!” LOL And then she plopped down on her butt, and then stood up again and this time she bounced! She bent her knees and bounced up and down, while standing by herself. I was shocked! Again, you couldn’t really tell on the tape that she was standing by herself because I was so close to her, dangit! It’s so funny to see her just standing there all by herself! Now we’re just waiting for her to take steps…I think it’ll be a while, but it will be so neat and weird to see our little baby walking. Also I’ve noticed she’s really starting to mimic even more than she used to. For quite a few months now if another baby was crying she would fake cry. But now she’s even mimicking us. Last night D was being a butt while I was on the phone w/ him and Miss H was in her highchair eating. I hung up the phone and slammed it down on the kitchen counter and turned around, and Miss H made a mean face and slammed her hand down on the highchair tray. I burst out laughing. It’s hilarious to see her doing what I do like that, and it’s weird to think she actually understands enough of what we’re doing to mimic it now. Also I got really frustrated and cried a bit and she started making the pouty face and whimpering. She’s just too stinking smart and cute! She’s 10 and a half months old today.

It's funny how something as simple as putting the coins in the piggy bank were HUGE tasks back then.

March: This month is the month our lives began to change. I got my new job, which changed everything. I started to feel awesome about myself. Even though I didn't start my new job til the next month the stress was already beginning to lift off my shoulders. I knew I'd be leaving the Hell Hole so I didn't give a crap anymore. Handing in my letter telling them I'd quit was the best feeling ever. This month was the month Hailey started climbing on everything.

April: Hailey turns one this month. She really works on her walking and begins having horrible temper tantrums. We wean her off her night time bottle. I start my new job the 9th of this month and love it. I find out I'll be making even more money than they told me when they hired me. This was a great month!

May: This month we made plans to start trying to have another baby in December. My job continues to go well, and the AP lady retires which starts thoughts of a possible promotion. D and I are doing okay this month. My sister's boyfriend got back from Iraq and came to visit and we found out first hand what war does to a person--he left a goofy, happy-go-lucky person and came back very quiet, serious and angry.

May 24, 2007
Last night my mom came over because she has to work the next few days and wanted to get her dose of Hailey in to tide her over. She was holding her over by the dishwasher and D and I were in the living room. He was getting ready to leave for work, so he gave me a hug. Hailey saw us, and she kicked her legs and pointed really hard and said "uh!!! MINE!" She was so mad. My mom brought her to us, and she clung to me like a little monkey. She's so selfish with me! She doesn't want anyone else to show me affection, I'm all hers. Makes me feel so special!

Hailey had her first trip to the Zoo this month, and also her longest car ride ever. She loved the Zoo and did great on the car ride. Hailey tells me she loves me "Bub you!" I got the promotion at work, which meant yet another raise. We finally had Hailey's first birthday party this month.

July: D and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary by taking a trip to the Lake like we did for our honeymoon. We did not, however have a repeat of our honeymoon...the trip didn't go so well. I had major separation issues from leaving Hailey for the weekend and D and I realized we hadn't spend alone time in a LONG time so we didn't really even know each other anymore. We fought quite a lot this month. People at work started to turn shady...I learned it's not the shiny happy place I thought. Hailey is 15 months old. She can name her body parts and is saying 2 word sentences regularly and even 3 word sentences at times. She pooped in the potty for the first time ever on the 4th of July...and got to experience the 4th of July perfectly healthy(in 2006 she was very sick and went into the hospital the next day). She loved the fireworks!

August: My relationship with D quickly begins to spiral downward. I start contemplating divorce. He's working on his relationship with Hailey and starts trying to do things with her more, including putting her to bed some nights. Hailey read her first book ever this in turned the pages and actually said the words that are on each page(I know she can't read, but she had it memorized)...the book was My Puppy.

September: D and I have been together 8 years this month. We convince my sister and her fiance to get married here. We get the bad news he'll be going back to Iraq in February 2008. Hailey is talking full sentences now.

October: Hailey is 18 months old. We took a trip to St. Louis and Hailey had her first little vacation with the family. We stayed with D's grandparents and went to an awesome wedding and took Hailey back to the Zoo. Hailey saw her first rainbows this month. She had her first trip to the library and went to her first Art in the Park. My relationship with D is getting better each month.

November: Hailey discovers snow, and loves it. You can have full conversations with her now. We had a great Thanksgiving. We discovered Hailey's love of horses. She can count to ten and also count objects. She sings lots of songs...her fav. is Twinkle Twinkle little star. Hailey actually gets her feet off the floor when she jumps. She's getting better at knowing her colors and she has started to sing the ABC song. We went to see Garth Brooks, fulfilling one of D's lifelong dreams.

December: I celebrated my 25th birthday this month. Hailey is 20 months old. She has learned the meaning of "forever" and will tell me she wants to stay somewhere forever. I ask her if she wants to leave and she replies "No, stay here. Ever." She's truly a little girl now. She has a wonderful relationship with her Daddy now and loves him to pieces. Some days she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, which hurts my feelings...but I love that she has such a good relationship with D now! D and I are doing well. We have our bad days still, but he's helping out around the house more. My sister got married this month. I actually don't mind coming to work anymore. When the weekend's over it's not the end of the world...I really don't mind having to work at this job. We made the decision this month to put off having another baby for a few years.

And that's 2007, in a nutshell! Or what I can remember of it, anyway!

Sunday, December 30, 2007


Things are okay. My dad is doing much better. At first he tried to lie and say he didn't try to kill himself, but then he called all of us and apologized and admitted what he did. We're glad he's still here. Hopefully things will get better for him from here on out.

We went to St. Louis yesterday for Christmas at the grandparents'. It went really well. Cousin W only got one present just like Hailey. Although he tried to open everybody's, including Hailey's. D had to actually yell at him to get him to stop opening Hailey's. Hailey had a good time. My mother in law played Wii tennis against D's grandma...and we were all shocked when his 80+ year old grandma totally rocked at the Wii! She beat everybody she played in tennis! It was so cute, she was so excited. She's been really down lately, saying she's in pain and stuff even though she's not really...hopefully this visit was just what she needed to make her feel better. Hailey showed off, counting to ten AND singing the ABC song for them. D's grandpa is very intellectual and he is beyond delighted at Hailey's smarts. She may not be the most physical little kid, but she sure shines in other areas.

At the grandparents' Hailey and W were hiding behind a chair at the dining table. We started smelling a smell and that's how W poops...he hides behind chairs. So we thought it was him. I asked Hailey, "Hailey did you poop?" She said "No, W pooped!" They both went to have their diapers changed. D opened her diaper and said "Hailey, YOU pooped! Pooey!!" Hailey said "Pooey W!" Even though the evidence was right there, in his empty and her full diaper, she was STILL trying to blame it on him!!
Here's Hailey and W looking out the front window at the Grandparents'...W is only 11 months older than Hailey and over a head taller than her! So cute...

Friday night my new brother in law, my sister, Hailey and I went to the mall to do a little shoe shopping for Hailey. I had her foot measured at the Kids Foot Locker and felt absolutely HORRIBLE. She needed to be in a size 6. Her shoes are a size 4. I felt like the worse mother ever. Then I couldn't find any decent tennis shoes in her size since it's right after Christmas and everything's gone. I ended up having to buy a pair of 40$ Nike's...but they are so cute, and she LOVES them. When I tried them on her in the store she wouldn't let me take them off. She said "Get back in the stroller, okay bye!" so we paid for the empty box and left. :o)

Here is our tree Christmas Eve night after Santa came:

Here is Hailey's ornament from last year, the little stuffed pig she picked out:

Here's Hailey's ornament from this year that I talked about in the last post:

Today my sister, brother in law and I went to Red Lobster while Hailey napped at my mom's and D played golf. We stuffed ourselves on crab legs, pasta, lobster artichoke dip and was SO good! After that we went to pick up their wedding pics from the photographer. I always make my sister drive my car since I HATE driving. We were going along on a road that's pretty narrow and we came to a part that had crumbled away a bit in the icky winter weather...she accidently went off the road and POP went my back tire. 45 minutes later after a little help from the nice guy that owned the house we parked in front of, we had the lug nuts off and my car jacked up. The tire wouldn't come off. My dad came to the rescue and got the tire off. I think it made him feel important to come to our rescue like that :o) We had to drive to HellMart on the donut and 2.5 hrs + 3 new tires and an oil change later, we were headed back home. I wasn't mad at my sister at all. I needed new tires anyway, and it pushed me into getting my oil changed(my car needed it badly!). It was a bummer that we had to waste so many hours of the day, but oh well. Not the end of the world!

Now Hailey is freaking out because they just got home with pizza...she's pulling on my pantleg saying "Mommy get me pizza!!!" You'd think she gets pizza all the time by the way she yelled "PIZZA HERE!" when D walked in the door holding the boxes.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Holiday Recap

The first 2 days of our holiday break were awesome. I put Hailey to bed at a decent time Fri. and Sat. nights and she didn't have to get up early the next days...she also took good naps...she was like a different kid. No fits at all, hilariously silly, just a happy little camper. Sunday we went to my Grandma's for dinner, no drama at all except my dad not feeling well and refusing to eat. Hailey had a blast and got a cool new toy (Rainbow Aquadoodle Playmat, I highly recommend it) that she loves. Monday Hailey FINALLY picked out her Christmas ornament. We went to Hobby Lobby and she walked along the isles by herself, telling one woman that was blocking the isle "Excuse me" as she squeezed past. She picked out a King Fish ornament (I'll add a picture tonight) but the crown was broken. She threw a massive fit and wanted no other ornament, so I told her we could pay for it (she understands you have to pay for something to take it from a store, so when she wants something she asks to "pay for it"...if she doesn't want it she says "Put it back") and they gave me an extra 10% off the already 50% discounted price since it was broken. I'll have to hot glue it because the crown is a bit sharp at the base, but she hasn't noticed it hanging on the tree yet anyway.

Christmas day started off great. We took a couple hours to open presents. Hailey had a great time and loved all her gifts. She pushed her new doll stroller around and told us she was going to the store. When she opened her little horse she clapped her hands and say "YAY, a horse!" She even loved her clothes, exclaiming "CLOTHES! PAJAMAS!!" She's a true little girl. We were having a nice relaxing time until our inlaws called right after I'd gotten out of the shower and were griping that we weren't there yet (God forbid I get to clean my ass once in a while)...I had to rush to get us and everything ready to leave. Poor Hailey kept following me around all happy wanting to play, and I finally had to stop after bumping into her for the 3rd time and tell her I was really sorry but I needed her to get out of mommy's way. THIS BREAKS MY HEART. To see her standing there holding one of her new toys, so confused as to why things went from peaceful and fun to rushed and stressed. I don't know how, but next year things are going to be different. I'm sick of having Christmas ruined by my damn in laws. We got there at noon(seriously, that's not late at all) and they were actually acting okay. My nephew was being his normal incredibly annoying spoiled brat self, throwing a huge fit because Hailey didn't want to play with him. They MADE my daughter play with him so he'd be happy. They never get onto this kid, it was driving me insane. It was even driving my husband insane, and that's saying something. My BIL and SIL were doing nothing to reprimand him at all, leaving it up to my inlaws, and they don't reprimand him either they talk baby talk to him nicely. For the first time I saw my FIL and MIL, on separate occasions, get upset with this kid...but they did NOTHING to correct his behavior. It was stressing D and I out so bad. At present opening time Hailey had almost nothing to open, while spoiled little W had at least twice the gifts Hailey did, no exaggeration...and his were huge too...a black and decker tool bench included. I bet they spent a good 300$ on this kid, no joke, and about 50$ on Hailey(which 1 thing if they would ever read the family blog they would have seen she already had so we had to take it back, and 1 thing is a fizzy tub thing that changes the water colors that she can't use because it will irritate her little girl parts). It was seriously pitiful. Normally I wouldn't care, I mean it's not the gifts that count. But when you're 2 years old and your cousin is opening tons of cool presents and you have nothing to open, you get your feelings hurt. It broke my heart to have my daughter come to me crying because she had nothing to open and W was opening tons. All I could tell her was "I know sweetie, I'm sorry." She didn't understand, and damnit I don't either...why are they so different to her than they are to my BIL and SIL's kids??? My MIL made some comment to my SIL about how some of the gifts to the boys(my 4 month old nephew also got more gifts from my inlaws than Hailey did) were from the grandparents in St. Louis. I thought to myself Okay now why are their gifts here and Hailey's are still in St. Louis??? My MIL told me "Hailey's gift (notice the singular there, whereas the W boys had plural gifts) is still in St. Louis." My MIL later told me "We bought a bunch of gifts for W to be from the grandparents but they forgot and bought him more stuff"....hello, then TAKE WHAT YOU GOT HIM BACK or buy more for Hailey or something. Come on, don't make it that uneven, that is just so unfair to the kids. They broke Hailey's heart! Then at dinner I put my plate on the table and my insane MIL had put so much furniture polish on the table it slid right across and plopped onto my chair spilling my dinner...they ALWAYS have a table cloth on the table, but my MIL said she took it off because my 3 year old nephew W kept pulling it off. Hello, GET ONTO THE KID. My husband laughed hysterically at me and my mother in law was very annoyed although she tried to act like she wasn't. I don't get embarrased easily anymore, and I've known these people for going on 9 years...I'm completely comfortable around them. And I was OH.SO.MORTIFIED. I am 25 years old and I spilled my whole plate of food on the floor because I just didn't think. I hurried and ate, and got onto Hailey when she mimicked my 3 year old nephew W by not eating her food and growling at us. At which point she stopped, and ate. Hmmm, amazing what a little discipline will do for a kid....grr.... After the whole present fiasco Hailey started playing with W's toys while he went outside and ran around like a wild child (Did I mention it was 50 freaking degrees outside??? Gotta love MO weather...I was actually wishing it was colder, I was sweating because of all the running around we had to do!). Finally my husband starts taking stuff out to the car including our 170$ worth of Christmas pictures of Hailey I'd brought to hand out. They started a snowball fight. I went to yell out the door at D that those pictures were 170$ and he needed to put them away so they didn't get ruined and SPLAT my husband's snowball hit me smack dab right in the middle of the forehead. It was in my eyes, everywhere. I was so upset. I wiped myself off and went inside and grabbed my daughter, told everyone bye and we left. It may have been my imagination but when my MIL hugged me she lingered a bit, hugging me a little tight...I'm hoping that meant she understood my frustrations of the day and didn't hold anything against me...we shall see. Once we got in the car, my husband apologized, I cried a little, we both laughed at what happened, we both vented our frustrations about his parents and our nephew and then breathed a huge sigh of relief. We called my mom to let her know we were coming and immediately relaxed. The rest of the day was great! We got to my mom's a little after 3 and took the rest of the day to open presents, visit, eat dinner and loads of cookies(pictures to come), watch a couple movies and just have a great time! When my mom gave Hailey her last present, a pink, purple and white Radio Flyer trike, Hailey gasped and said "My bicycle, thank you O...!" (She calls my mom something odd, not sure if I've posted about it before...) That was the first time that whole day she'd say thank you without my was so sweet. On the way home we went to look at Christmas lights again. After we put Hailey to bed D and I organized and put everything away. It was a great end to the day.

Then yesterday hit, and all hell broke loose.

First off Hailey pooped so she woke up earlier than she needed to. D's friend came over, so Hailey refused to nap. She was a CRANKY BUTT the whole day and didn't want me at all. I was exhausted. Finally my mom and I snuck out to go return some stuff to HELL MART. I officially HATE that store. The pissy old hag in the customer service dept. was the last straw. My mom started all uppety with her when she got smart with my mom about not having her receipt, even though we were just trying to exchange my PJ's that obviously came from there and it was their fault because the tops were a small and the bottoms were a large(hello, their mistake not ours!) and I told my mom to take it down a notch. My mom NEVER confronts people, so this was a new experience for me. Then the old hag turned on ME and started getting pissy with ME, at which point I lost it and told her she needed to stop being so damn pissy. My mom told me to back away. I went and got the new set of pj's to exchange. When I came back the hag was off duty and talking to 2 other employees as I walked by about me so I said rather loudly (I'm ashamed to admit) that I wished the old hag would have a heart attack right there and drop dead. Ugh I'm a horrible person. My mouth gets the better of me. They didn't have half the crap I needed at HELL MART, surprise surprise. My husband calls me halfway through informing me he took Hailey down the road to the local kids play place and needed a diaper(he took her w/out a spare diaper and in shoes 2 sizes too big for her...such a man) so we had to rush through shopping and leave. We had just gotten back home and unloaded the groceries when D called me frantic telling me she was driving him insane and we needed to come get them (they'd walked there earlier, it was now raining). When we got there he informed me he'd changed in $20 in a machine he thought was going to give him quarters but it gave him tokens instead. She wanted to run from game to game so the tokens were a waste(he didn't know I never let her go up to the arcade for exactly this reason...) and when I asked for a refund they wouldn't refund our money. I told them that wasn't posted anywhere and my husband thought it would give him quarters and that my daughter is 1 year old and won't use the tokens and we can't afford to waste that money...the manager didn't give a shit, she told me flat out no, your fault and we don't do refunds. I lost it and told her that was fucking ridiculous (again, not my best moment) and we went to leave. The doors are locked until they check your stamps so I yelled at the lady that I didn't have a damn stamp I was just there to pick them up OBVIOUSLY. She opened the doors and we went out to the car. I had my head laying on the steering wheel, thinking about the 20$ my husband just wasted that we couldn't afford to do without and I looked up and the lady was staring at me through the window talking to the 2 teenage employees at the counter and laughing. I threw my hands up in the air and mouthed "What???" because I didn't know why it was so damned funny and she freaking FLIPPED ME OFF. In front of all those kids, the MANAGER flipped me off. Nice.

Oh it just gets better.

My grandma called me last night and informed me that my dad had been slurring his speech on the phone with her and she couldn't get ahold of my sister to ask if my dad's ok. My sister was out vising her mother in another town. I get in touch with her finally and ask her what's wrong with dad. She said he got mad and took 15 vicodin, a regular occurrence apparently. I called my gma, told her what was going on, told her he's done it before but I'd like it if she'd go check on him. I called my sister back, told her gma is talking crazy again and she needed to stay at her husband's parents house that night(he is in visiting before he leaves for Iraq...they don't have a house yet because he's leaving) and to avoid gma at all costs. My gma called me, said she was at my dad's and the car was there and the lights were on but he wouldn't come to the door. I called my sister, she headed back into town to unlock the doors. My brother in law called me and told me they got in the house, phone was off the hook dad not there. The neighbors said 2 cop cars and an ambulance had been there. All my brothers and sisters got on the phone w/ different hospitals. Finally found him at the one hospital we all hate. He had tried to kill himself. Took all the medication he had in the house, which is a lot because of his various health problems. They swing by and pick me up on the way to the hospital. I finally gave in and went in to see him. Nobody should ever have to see their dad like that. High as a kite, not knowing who he is, charcoal still staining his teeth and all over his face. He kept passing out and his vitals would crash and none of the dr.s would come check. The dr.s in the next trauma bay over told us we had to leave because of this belligerent drunk woman they were trying to work on yelling at them(they were yelling back telling her they were going to break her arm etc....this hospital royally's a teaching hospital and the students are arrogant SOB's). Then we're all waiting in the waiting room and my grandma called to have them let her back in there so he wouldn't be alone, because he kept trying to pull all the stuff off himself and leave. The people inside the ER unlocked the door to let her in and this little gay male nurse (nothing against gay's, I'm not like that...just giving you a mental picture here seriously) got in front of my grandma and said "Excuse me, do you need something?" really pissy. My step sister told him the people inside had just said she could come in, so he punched his little code in on the pad blocking it w/ his other hand so my gma couldn't see and let her in(hello the door was already unlocked dumbass showoff) and then let the other lady through they were taking back. My sister walked by me and said to ME, "I am sick of all the pissy people in this hospital" and this little nurse man turned to us and YELLED "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY, EXCUSE ME DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME?????!!!!" I stepped up and told him she was not talking to him and our private conversation had nothing to do with him, that she was not even looking at him when she said what she said. And he laid into us, screaming! I put my hand up and shooed him away, saying "Move along, move along, move along!" So he couldn't talk, and of course my sister's husband stepped in front of me and started booming at the guy to shut his mouth (He's a marine, you get the picture) and the guy ran through the door. Of course he called security to have us was 2 little girls, younger than me, my size. Talk about intimidating. They told us the nurse said we had to leave. I told them my father had just tried to kill himself and then a nurse harassed us and WE'RE being asked to leave? She started shooing us out, literally with her hands shooing us, at which point I lost it again. I started screaming at her that this was fucking ridiculous, that my dad was in there half dead and we didn't do a damn thing and yet we had to leave. She told me she didn't care, that we had to leave. I screamed right in her face and told her not to shoo me out and that I hoped her dad tried to kill himself one of these days so she'd know how we all felt at that moment. Again, not my proudest moment...although I'm not really sorry about that comment I admit. All my family lost it and all us kids were yelling as we walked out and I turned and told her she needed to change professions because she was not intimidating at all and just looked downright silly trying to be a security guard. I went home and told my husband what happened. He couldn't believe they'd made us leave when it was THEM who caused all the problems. I played with Hailey for a little bit then put her to bed. I was up most of the night worrying about my dad and so upset about everything. My dad only has one kidney, his other one failed a few years back and had to be removed. If he's ruined this last one, I don't know what'll happen.

Well they don't know about the blood work yet, but my dad is so manipulative he actually made them believe he didn't try to kill himself. He said it was an accident. Which is a total and complete lie. The amount of drugs he took, and the fact that he's been threatening to kill himself for a couple months now...I mean come on. But the stupid hospital let him go home. There is a 72 hour mandatory holding period after somebody tries to kill themselves here(I don't know what it's like other places)...but he got around it. But then again this is the man that after he had his heart attack and was in the ICU pulled out his IV and all the monitors and got dressed and walked out of the hospital and all the way across town and went home...he never did get checked out of the hospital that time. He just left. He's insane. I just can't be around that anymore. I'm done. And now he's mad at all of us for saying he tried to kill himself. When we all pulled together and were there for him last night. UGH what is wrong with my family?

Monday, December 24, 2007

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

What a shocker

I have to admit, even though I don't watch much TV or even movies these days, I'm a sucker for those celebrity mags or any sort of celebrity news out there on the net. I've been keeping up with the whole Britney drama, mostly because I feel so incredibly sorry for her boys. I've heard a bit of gossip lately about her supposedly having another bun in the oven, which I'm hoping isn't true. Imagine my surprise when I sign off hotmail tonight and am greet by THIS story about a different Speare's family member...I'm not one to judge, but COME ON. This girl, at 16, had everything going for her. And she seemed so much smarter than Britney, so much more put together. I just hope she turns out to be a better mother than her older sister...

So that's just gossip. The big shocker here is that I am apparently a miracle worker. I have single handedly not only stayed on extremely good terms while telling my grandma exactly what I think and exactly how it is, the TRUTH, AND I also got her to apologize to my little sister and they've kissed and made up and everybody's coming to Christmas dinner this Sunday! I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I totally rock. I seriously should have gone into psychology like I'd planned(yea have I ever mentioned that before? That was my original plan, before my husband came along...I was going to go to school, get my PhD and become a sort of got in the way). I'm so happy my grandma finally listened to what I was telling her and realized she was in the wrong. When she called and apologized the other night for that oh so horrible call a few nights before, I didn't say a word about her apologizing to my sister. I figured one apology was great for the day. So today when she called me at work to ask if my sister and her husband were coming Sunday I had full confidence and I just told her flat out, her feelings are hurt and she really should call and apologize to her. Even if her feelings are hurt too and she thinks she's owed an apology...she's the adult, she's the grandma, and my sister's scared to call and make the first move. I also told her my sister was going this afternoon w/ her inlaws to pick out a Christmas tree, so she needed to wait til tonight to call if she was going to. Thank the Lord she took my advice, called her later tonight and now everything is fine. I just hope everyone can hold it together for a while now. At least until after the holidays...and if something else does have to happen, darn it I hope they leave me out of it!

Lemon pudding is yummy...and yes she knows how to use a spoon...she was eating "like a kitty Mommy!"

Is it seriously only Tuesday?

I am so incredibly tired today. I have no energy. I stayed up late last night chopping veggies to put in the crock pot w/ a chicken this morning and baking a loaf of cranberry bread for an office luncheon at the Administration building today(that I didn't go to--I went to lunch w/ my sister and her husband instead). Nobody even opened the bread, they had so many goodies, so I'm peeved that I stayed up an extra hour last night, not getting to bed til about 1:00 in the morning, to bake this damn bread. At least we get to enjoy it tonight for dessert!

So like I said, I'm tired. And I'm so busy at work. I'm pushing myself to get anything done. I need to do some laundry tonight, and do dishes, and take a shower, SIGH. I invited my mom over for dinner, so at least she'll be there to help and keep me company. I went to the dr. today because my throat hurts and I wanted to make sure it's not strep since tomorrow is my bday and I'll be around people(it's not strep, just a cold) and we talked a little more about my stomach issues. I told her I went off the Amitiza because not only did it not do a damn thing for me but each day I got progressively sicker and sicker when I was on it, to the point where the last day I literally could not function and had to fight throwing up laying there in bed. She told me to try Miralex which I already have some of at home and haven't remembered to try yet(this weekend I will, I promise!)...then she lectured me on drinking more water every day and laying off the caffeine. GASP!!!! I told her I limit myself to one cup of coffee and one soda, or like 2 sodas and no coffee each day but that I'm so tired I NEED caffeine to function. She looked me in the eyes and said "No more caffeine." :o( Which honestly I'm not supposed to be having caffeine anyway because of my PVC's and PAC's(heart issues). But how am I supposed to function? She asked me again if I exercise, and I told her I run around after my daughter and that's about all the exercising I have the energy to do. She gave me a game plan involving this Miralex stuff, fiber pills (which have NEVER helped me in the past) and lots of water and no caffiene...and if that doesn't work she wants to send me to a GI. Which I've been to before on numerous occasions and all they ever tell me is to go see a Nutritionist or whatever they're called which my insurance does not cover. And my problem is not food, it's the physiology of my digestive system! Anyway...basically to sum this up, I'm exhausted and very upset about having caffeine cut out of my diet. Do you think the caffeine in chocolate counts? Because yea, I'm NOT cutting that out...

Okay so back to the chicken in the crock pot...I thought this sounded like a great idea! Throw the whole thing in there, throw in some veggies and spices and chicken stock and just let it cook all day! Then I cut off the plastic wrapping from the chicken and saw what looked like little hair sticking off the chicken skin here and there. WTF?!?! Seriously?? They don't completely de-feather these damn things?? That is so gross, I'm sorry. So now I'm sad, because I'm a bit grossed out to eat this food that cooked in with some little feather strands and I had been so excited at the idea of this meal. Me and raw meat, or any meat cooked or not that still resembles the animal it came from, do not mix well. I would prefer to think it's some generic product like broccoli or know, something that didn't at one time eat and poop and have a beating heart. BLEGH. My mom is going to have to deal with the chicken skin before we can eat this thing. I just can't do it.

On a better note, we took Hailey to see the Christmas lights last night here in town at 2 of our favorite houses. She loved it!

Monday, December 17, 2007

An email from my mom this morning included this message...

"OMG, your birthday is Wednesday!!!"

This time of year it's really easy for people to forget my birthday....apparently including my own mother! LOL

My grandma called me Friday night to apologize for bringing me into the family mess. She said she shouldn't have said all that to me and she told me when she got off the phone with me she was really upset. I told her it's fine and assured her I'm still coming to Christmas dinner the Sunday before Christmas and that I still expected my ham and broccoli/cheese/rice casserole. :o) She was relieved that I forgave her. Now if only she would call and apologize to my sister...but I don't see that happening.

Hailey's Christmas pictures come in this Thursday, I'm so excited! That means Friday night I get to go frame shopping!! I can't wait to see how the big prints turned out...the package we bought included 2 collages and a 10x13. I'll come back and take these down after a week or 2, but here are a couple shots we got...keep in mind she was NOT in a good mood and she would NOT let go of her baby for anything. I think they turned out great and totally captured her personality...the last one esp. it shows how sassy she is... **PICTURES REMOVED**

We got Hailey's sitter an apple ornament that says "A++ Teacher" on it and put a picture of Hailey in the frame on it. I'm new to this whole gift giving to people who aren't family thing...I hope she likes it!

Christmas meme

I took this from Wendy and thought it would be a fun way to start the week!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Wrapping paper!

2. Real tree or artificial? I love real trees but we have a cheap fake one that I bought a few years back when D and I moved in together and I actually really like it. We normally get the real one for my mom's house.

3. When do you put up the tree? I try to get it up right after Thanksgiving!

4. When do you take the tree down? We usually wait til New Years day.

5. Do you like egg nog? No, but like Wendy I wish I did because it looks really yummy!

6. Favorite gift received as a child? I don't remember one specific gift...I cherished everything I got, we didn't have much money...

7. Do you have a nativity scene? No

8. Hardest person to buy for? My husband or my nephew!

9. Easiest person to buy for? My mom and Hailey!

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? This really tight tshirt with a zipper at the neck from Walmart...his grandparents got it for me a couple years after we had first started dating. Bless their hearts they meant well, but it was so not me. I gave it away.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Rudolph has always been a favorite. I like ELF too!

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Depends on our financial situation. This year I started before Thanksgiving!

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I don't think I've re-gifted, but I've given a couple things away.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? ham!

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? I have done clear for years now but next year I'm planning on doing colored!

17. Favorite Christmas song? I've always loved The First Noel for some reason. Hailey's favorite is Jingle Bells.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? In the morning we go to my inlaws and in the afternoon we go to my mom's.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? yep

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Actually neither...we have a silver bow.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Morning...I never understood why people would want to open Christmas Eve unless it was at a family member's house at a gift exchange or something!

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? There's so much going on. Sometimes it bugs me that my bday is so close to Christmas. Also people get rude this time of year, which is such a shame.

23. Favorite ornament, theme or color? I love anything quirky. We have a huge assortment on our tree and I think it's beautiful! Hailey's ornament last year was a little stuffed pig we got from a shop down town. I do have to say I'm pretty partial to my blue santa ornaments though. I had to go through a LOT to get those little things!

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Ham! And I love my grandma's broccoli cheese rice casserole!

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? It was really hard to come up with anything this year! I've asked for cute comfy pj sets, but I asked for that for my bday too! I also asked for loaf pans, but I got those for my bday as well. I did ask D for the Dierks Bentley CD...

26. Who is most likely to respond to this? Jaime?

27. Who is least likely to respond to this? I hate it when they ask these sorts of questions...IDK, whoever feels like doing it, go ahead and do it! :o)

Friday, December 14, 2007

Eating my words

I got home today and walked into a clean, fresh smelling house. My husband is on holiday break and instead of sitting on his butt all afternoon he actually got up and did something productive. I think the little argument we had around lunchtime maybe helped him realize he needed to step up a bit. I have to say, I'm quite impressed. He picked all the toys up in the living room, folded and put away all the clothes, vacuumed, did dishes, did 2 loads of laundry, cleaned the bathtub, changed Hailey's bed sheets to her new purple jersey knit sheets, hung up 2 shelves I've been trying to get him to hang up for months (okay they're swapped, the bathroom one is in the front hallway and vice versa but I'm not saying a word), hung up Hailey's coats on the shelf pegs, hung up a picture in the living room I've been trying to get him to hang up for months...and as I walked in he was rushing to try and simultaneously get the Applebee's menu up on the computer so we could order in and I wouldn't have to cook tonight, and run a bubble bath for me. He even had a candle lit for me in the bathroom because he knows I like it, even though he hates it. And he used Febreze on the carpets to freshen up. I told him I'll take the bubble bath later, and the Applebee's website is messed up so we're just getting Subway...but later my mom's coming over to watch Hailey so we can go see Alvin and the Chipmunks together. Talk about a good end to a really weird (and sorta crappy) 24 hours.

When it rains it pours

Ok I got my happy go lucky lighthearted post out of the way for the more serious stuff going on in my life. I've avoided posting about anything too in depth because frankly, I just didn't have the energy. There is a lot going on. It's all upsetting. And I don't want my blog to be some big pity party. I don't want to non stop complain. And I don't want people to think my life is nothing but huge issues. Because for the most part, I do really well putting everything aside, being happy, living a normal life. But DAMN, things have gone to shit in the last 24 hours. And I can't help it, I can't hold it in any longer. I have to get this all off my chest.

First off, my family is NUTS. I've posted about that before I'm sure. My dad's crazy, and he can be really mean and abusive. He's a recovering alcoholic(among other things). He doesn't work, he's on disability...the government has actually deemed him a threat to the workplace and unsuitable for working. He's told me on occasion that he hates my guts and I'm not his daughter and he never wants to see me again. At which point I tell him I love him and I'll see him next week. My dad is my dad, and as long as he's not doing anything too horrible like chasing my sister around with knives (yes that happened which is crazy) or beating anyone, I'm fine with him. I keep my distance, I stay positive when talking to him so as not to let loose the demon within. We don't spend any time with him really. I prefer to surround myself with sane people. Anyway, my dad is depressed because my step mom left him. He also has various health problems that I really think he exaggerates quite a bit for sympathy. He keeps threatening to move to Arizona. Or kill himself.

That said, my stepmom left him a couple months ago. I don't blame her. She stuck with him way longer than my mom did, and she totally suffered the consequences. Back in the day, it was physical abuse. That tapered off for the most part, but the extreme emotional abuse continued. Finally she got up the guts and just left. She moved in with my step sister. The poor one with the 3 kids. My step sister kicked her husband out because apparently he's been sexually abusing my niece. My oldest nephew(he's 10 or so) has a juvenile officer already. He's threatened to kill my step sister. I never talk to my stepsister. I rarely ever see my step mom anymore and have talked to her on the phone once. Her and I are okay, we're getting along just fine.

My little sister just got married this past Saturday. I am so incredibly happy for her. But her husband is a marine, he's stationed in California. He will be in training all of January and then he's being deployed for the 2nd time in February. For this reason, my sister is staying here instead of moving to CA. She still lives with my dad. She wants to get her own place, because like I said, my dad is nuts. He makes her life hell. They do NOT get along. My sister is very head strong, she's very sassy, and she's very independent. She doesn't tell him where she's going, and she gets smart with him. And she lets his emotional abuse get to her...she hasn't learned to brush it off like I have as "that's just how dad is, oh well." So she's wanting to get her own place. She has debt from the wedding. She needs to save up money to get her own place. To get either of those things taken care of, she needs to continue to live at home for a while longer.

Which leads me to my next problem...I used to idolize my grandma(my dad's mom). She could do no wrong. I loved going to her house when I was little. Then I had Hailey, and she began harrassing me about how I did things with Hailey and how I took care of her...and I finally told her that she's my daughter and I know what's best for she literally blew up at me and started screaming at me--in front of Hailey, no less...3 months old and had just gotten out of the hospital--and she told me she wasn't coming to my wedding. I started crying and asked her "are you serious, grandma this is me, your Erin and this is my WEDDING"(I was always the closest to her) and she said "Screw you I don't care who you are nobody treats me like that...and I'm telling my family not to come too." And she didn't come, and her family didn't either. Finally she apologized. I told her I'm not just one of the other adults in the family she can abuse and treat like crap. I've never felt the same about her since, but we moved on. Fastforward a year and a half. Now my grandma is harassing my little sister. She called her a few days before the wedding and told her she thinks her and my step mom have some little plan concocted to where after she gets married she's going to leave my dad and move in with my step mom and step sister. ????? First off, what business is it of hers if that did happen? Second of all, my sister was getting married, she was planning on starting her own life and getting out on her own. My grandma is more nuts than my dad is. Nevertheless my grandma did come to the wedding and she behaved herself. She had said she wasn't coming because of course she hates my step mom...but whatever, they both came, no drama happened. Now my grandma is STILL calling my sister and telling her she better not leave my dad alone, that she would be abandoning him...she tells my sister that my step mom is horrible and that my sister needs to pay my dad's bills and buy him food and clean the house. My sister is NOT my dad's wife, for God sakes. My dad is a grown man, he needs to do those things for himself! It is NOT my sister's responsibility! I've been livid with my grandma because of this. My sister has nobody to turn to. So she calls me, and cries to me. She doesn't understand why she's treating her like this. Finally she had enough. She told my dad his mother needed to stop calling and talking to her about my dad and my step mom because she didn't want to hear it anymore. My dad, being the crazy person he is(he lies a lot too did I mention--and creates stories in his head that I really think he believes are true) called my grandma and relayed the info to her--very warped I'm sure, basically saying my sister said a bunch of bad crap about my grandma. My grandma told him my sister needed to come get a card from our Uncle J that was at her house. She lives 30 minutes away from here. My sister, not knowing my dad ratted on her to my grandma, drove 30 minutes with my cousin R to get the card. When she walked in my grandma ignored her and said "Hi R how are you?" She then immediately layed into my sister. "Your dad told me what you said about me, I do NOT do that" blah blah blah. She shoved the card at my sister and said "of course you'll come if it's something for you like MONEY, that's all you care about" sister told her to keep the card and she left. She called me bawling, upset at how horrible she was treated. Not 30 minutes later my grandma calls me. "Hey, how are you all? Where's the baby? Surely you don't have her out in this cold? She's in the BACK SEAT, where ARE you?? Walmart?? OH. Well is her cold better? So I guess you've probably talked to your sister and know all about what's going on..." Wow she didn't waste any time. Didn't really give a crap about me, chastised me for taking my kid to Walmart (God I'm a horrible mother!) and then moved right on to the real reason for the phone call. To shit talk my sister. This is NOT NORMAL. Grandmas are old and sweet. They bake cookies and pies and talk about the good ol days, right? Not mine. I have held my tongue for a month now. I've kept all my feelings on this issue inside. Because it's not my place, it's not my problem. But I've had enough, and she brought me into it. I told her exactly what's been on my mind. About everything. I told her she needs to lay off my sister. Because she's NOT my dad's wife. It old her she's trying to make a life for herself. I told her my dad's life is screwed up because he made it that way. And that it's not my sister's responsibility to pick up his pieces or even to take care of him. That's not fair to her. Esp. now that she's married. I told her she is NOT a spoiled brat, and that it goes both ways. Yes she talks bad to my dad but OH MY GOD the way he talks to her is just horrible. It's abuse. My grandma also told me that she's got two guns and that the next time my step sister calls and harasses her she's taking care of her herself and then taking care of herself. HOW FREAKING INSANE. Come on. I told her that first of all, she is insane. Second of all, she needs to grow up and realize that my step sister NEEDS that drama and that she is NOT going to quit. She's going to keep on. I told my grandma that my step sister's life is beyond screwed up, it can't be salvaged...and she's trying to ruin my grandma's. And that if she "takes care of her" that is just letting her win. I told her to call the freaking cops, have a restraining order put on her. I told her she has family that loves her, she has things to live for. She has a good life. She needs to grow up and learn to ignore people like my step sister, or let the law take care of it and move on with her life. I also told her that it really hurts me that I've got my dad threatening to me that he's going to kill himself, and that now she's threatening to not only off my step sister but also kill herself, and they both know damn well that my cousin who was like a brother to me killed himself my senior year in high school and that it scarred me for life. I told her that it really really upsets me and pisses me off that they are being so incredibly immature and so damn selfish, to tell me they're taking their own lives knowing how bad it hurt me when he took his. I asked her where in the hell does that leave us? The family left here that care about them. I told her they are so selfish it's ridiculous. I also told her that the feeling I had about her when I was a little girl is gone. And it'll never come back. And that it's gone for my sister too, because of how she has treated her. I told her I love her dearly, but I will not put up with this nonsense. I told her the exact reasons I quit talking to a lot of the family for so long. I told her it's because all of them are nuts and I don't want to deal with it. I told her everything. And damnit I stuck up for my little sister. I told her to get the hell off her back, that her life is none of my grandma's business. My grandma was not mad at me. She told me I'm a very smart woman. She told me she loved me and we got off the phone.

I can't help my sister. I don't have the money to help her financially. I am pushing her to get out on her own. She can't come stay with me. I don't want the drama to follow her. I told her if she needs a place for a night she can always stay with me(but honestly she has 2 cats and my cat hates other cats...believe me it's not heartless, she feels the same way). I've tried to protect my sister since she was born, literally. I used to hide her when my dad and step mom were fighting. I tried to teach her how to handle my dad. I don't know what else I can do for her. She has to take it from here.

My husband and I have okay times. Right now is not one of them. I'm feeling more and more distant from him. I'm still feeling like maybe I made the wrong choice, and shouldn't have gotten married just because we had Hailey. He's not there for me emotionally and yet he still expects sex. I work all day. I clean house and take care of Hailey all night. I'm tired at the end of the day. I don't get a break. He has his good moments, where he'll do the dishes or something like that. But mostly he still doesn't help out around the house. He does do more with Hailey now. That's definitely improved. But I still feel like he doesn't care to do anything with me. I feel like I bore him to death. Tonight I thought we had plans to go see a movie. He called me today after lunch and said his friends might be coming into town and they were going to go see a movie--not the one we'd planned on. He tried to say he was calling to see if I wanted to go...but it just hurt my feelings because I thought WE already had plans. Don't get me wrong. He doesnt do stuff with his friends all the time, he doesn't go out and drink and party. But I feel like he has so much more fun with them. We never do anything together. We don't talk on the phone because he doesn't like to talk to me on the phone. Lately I've told him flat out I don't need him. I'm just fine relying on myself. When we're doing good, things are great. When he's being a butt, I pull away. I don't know what this all means. It's really confusing.

I talked to my mom last night about everything that had happened. She sympathized with the grandma drama...she always stayed away from her for this reason. I also finally admitted to her that I've always felt a sense of urgency with my life...even when I was really little. I told her I felt nutty for feeling like that, but I've always felt that I needed to get a move on and get things done. I told her that's why I always get so upset when somebody tells me to be patient, that I have plenty of time to buy a house/have more kids/get a different job etc. I told her I don't feel like I have plenty of time and that scares me. She thinks it's just because I know how fragile life is because I've known loss from a very young age. My grandpa dying when I was 5 really affected me. And since then people I love just keep dying. My sister has tried to kill herself twice. My brother tried once. People I know have died in car wrecks just like that. One girl had a 6 month old little boy at home. It just affects me. The problem is, my husband isn't like this. He feels like he's got all the time in the world. So that just adds to our issues. And I told my mom this just isn't how I wanted my life to turn out. I always said growing up I wouldn't repeat her mistakes, and here I am married to a guy that's possibly not right for me, no house, no money, in a job I don't really love. And it's stressful because I want Hailey's life to be different. If mine can't be, hers HAS to be. I wanted my kids to grow up in a house we owned, with a mom and a dad, not having to worry about money. How can I do that for her without bettering my life too? So I feel like I'm failing her as well. Life is so complicated.

I ate lunch with my friend today. I asked her an hour before hand if she still wanted to go. She said yes. I get there and she said she doesn't feel well and is in a bad mood. ???? I had given her the option to back out... and every time I'm around her I get the feeling she doesn't truly enjoy my company. Maybe she's just doing it to make me happy or to keep the friendship going. Today we talked just fine, but then we left and outside I was literally in the middle of a sentence about something and she reached over and hugged me and walked off. Just like that. I yelled after her "BYE!" Why doesn't EVERYBODY just shit in my cornflakes today???

So there you have it. I'm fine financially now. That's awesome. But now my dad is threatening to kill himself, my grandma is threatening to kill my step sister and then kill herself, my sister is getting depressed because she can't get away from it all and I can't help her, my husband is feeling more like a horrible teenage son than a husband and then my good friend blows me off. Seriously. What else? What next? Even typing this all out I feel so silly. Like I shouldn't be upset. I feel stupid. My family is nuts, and it's so incredibly embarrassing. I'm not like them, and it's so frustrating that I can't get them to change or see how ridiculous they are being. I'm just staying out of it. From now on if something is brought up I'm telling them if they'd like to talk about other things I will, but nothing dramatic. I'm just done. And as for my marriage. I don't know what to do. I hate the ups and downs...I hate getting my hopes up and then him reverting back to his old ways. I'm sick of waiting for him to grow up. But he is my husband, and I don't take marriage lightly. I have to just keep trying to work on it. And ignore everything else.

Just getting this all out actually helped cheer me up a bit. I still with I knew how to get the issues to go away...but at least I'm not going to let it ruin my day.

Oh my goodness. I can totally laugh. After I got done with this post I got called into my bosses office by my boss and hers! They wanted to address how I get here to work minutes late every day. Luckily, I really like my boss and we get along great. And her and her boss are friends because my boss's husband is his best friend...and I really like this guy too. And they were really nice about it. They asked me what they could do to help. I told them it had been stressing me out so bad every morning, and I had been trying to work on it and hadn't been very effective obviously. They were like oh no don't be stressed about it, it's not THAT big of a deal, we just don't want you to get in trouble if it keeps happening. They genuinely wanted to know how they could help. They even went so far as to say "Do you want us to call and wake you up every morning?" LOL If only it were that easy...I told my boss she needed her husband to have a heart to heart with mine and whip his butt into shape. I wanted to say "help me figure out how to fix my life!!!!" but yea of course that would have been very inappropriate. We talked about kids, since my boss's son is Hailey's age, and her boss doesn't have kids...we talked about driving(how did we get on this subject??) and when we took our driver's tests and what we passed with etc. SIGH...thank God my job is okay, thank God I enjoy some of the people I work with. If only that would relay into the rest of my life. Now please, let this be the end of the stress for today. Seriously. Come on. Give a girl a break.

My obsession

My old neighbor had this weird obsession with buying toilet paper in bulk when it was on sale and stockpiling it in their bathroom cabinet...I mean literally like a hundred rolls, it was crazy. It's been a running joke for years, about "D and her toilet paper"...if you ran out have no fear, D would save the day. I guess we all have our quirks.

I confess...I may have a tiny obsession with

Every year as Christmas gets nearer I start getting really antsy. Many people look forward to the after Christmas sales for things like half priced clothing, electronics or toys. Not me. I rush to the stores and comb the holiday isles for displays of 50% off gift boxes. I stockpile them in my closet like crazy. White ones are great, but I esp. love finding good bargains on sets with cute designs. One year I found gift boxes at Target on sale after Christmas for 75% off...I got huge packs of really cute boxes for next to nothing, it was awesome! Last night we went to the Dollar Tree (because that is the ONLY place in town that has Shrek wrapping paper--I got a red and green roll of Shrek and a roll of Spongebob, Hailey's going to love it!) and I was in HEAVEN. Gift boxes galore, in CUTE designs, all for only $1 a package. I am a HUGE bargain shopper...there's nothing like getting a good deal! So that totally made my night...not only did I find cute gift boxes but I found an awesome deal on them! Later that night I called my mom and told her of my find. Of course she replied "Did you really need them?" My reply..."Are you serious? Of course I needed them! I ALWAYS need boxes!!" I think I may have a tiny problem...

In my defense, I do use gift boxes a lot. I wrap CD's in them, books, clothing, pictures...everything. Unless it comes in it's own big generic sized box, I wrap it in a gift box. I hate it when people can look at a gift and guess what it is by the size of the packaging. This year we actually had money for gifts. I need boxes for the clothes I got for my mom, the cd's I got for Dan (I found the PERFECT sized boxes for those, SO excited about that) and the framed pictures of Hailey we're giving the family.

Some people cheat and use the cute boxes as wrapping and just put a bow on the top. This is totally cheating. I know it seems pointless to have such a cute box and then wrap it too...I guess it's my own little satisfaction knowing there's a cute box underneath all that paper.

I'm totally one of those people that gives a gift and then asks if they're going to keep the gift box. If they aren't, I ask for it back...I collapse it and re-store it to be used again. As they're opening the box I sit there hoping they don't just rip it open.

I'm also a bit of a freak about gift bags. I'm always on the lookout for cheap, cute bags. Walmart is a great place to find these. They always have cute sets on the end of an isle...with matching tissue paper. I also found 2 really cute gift bags at Dollar Tree last night. Anybody that knows me well enough to be receiving a gift from me knows I'd really like the bag back to reuse. I share this quirk with my mother in law...I love that we have this in common. She is also slightly obsessed with cute bags and boxes, although her obsession also includes bows(mine does not, I hate wasting money on fancy bows)...we've bonded over this obsession we have, and really enjoy finding new special bags to give each other gifts in(which we then take back to reuse of course).

I may not be an organized house is chaos, my life is chaos, even my gift wrapping paper is just thrown in the closet (I really want one of those organizers but I won't spend the money on one)...but anytime I need to wrap a gift I have just the right bag or box. That's one thing I never have to worry about.

I never, however, have any tape...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007


The newest Potter movie comes out today. Ordinarily I would have run out on my lunch hour to buy it, but people have been strongly hinting that it's going to be a birthday I'm trying really hard to wait 8 more days! All this Potter talk has really gotten me in the mood though, to watch all the movies again! I haven't seen them in ages, except for the newest one in theaters. But seeing as how I rarely ever get time to watch movies and my husband never wants to watch Potter since we've seen them all before, I haven't been able to!

Today my husband called and said he was going to the next town over where he goes to school to hang out with his buddies. It's finals week and after doing pretty poorly this morning on a final he has been studying really hard for, he just needed to get away and have some fun. I assumed they'd be doing something manly, like playing the Wii for extended periods of time. Then my husband called me back and wanted to know if the new Potter movie comes out today. I told him yes and not to buy it until he calls my mom first since I thought she was buying it for me for my birthday. He then wanted to know how many movies there were out so far(5 total)...he said he could only find 3. I explained The Chamber of Secrets is the only one we have on VHS...he was looking for DVDs. Anyway imagine my surprise when I found out he wasn't going to play the Wii...they were going to have a little Potter viewing party and watch them all one after the other!

First of all, I think this is incredibly cute. 3 grown men, getting together on a rainy(and snowy and cold) afternoon, to watch the Harry Potter series...3 tough guys, that usually sit around and drink beer while watching football or playing sports or war games on the Wii...

Second of all, come on! I'm so freaking jealous! And a teeny bit irritated. Why, WHY does he have to get in the mood to watch Potter when he's not with me?? And here I sit, bored as HELL at work w/ my lovely sinus headache...still wishing I had time to watch Potter.

Two things I know...
1. My husband really is adorable. I love him to pieces. He's so silly!
2. Jealousy is a bad attribute of mine. I'm totally jealous of his free time. And totally jealous of his friends for stealing my Potter time.

Friday, December 7, 2007

All in 1 hour

I had errands to run today on my lunch break, and for once I was successful at completing all my tasks! I was able to find everything I set out to buy and then some!

Here are some of my purchases:

~I have been in search of tights for Hailey's Christmas outfit forever. I wanted rib knit cream colored tights. Sounds easy right? Oh no, I can't find them anywhere in her size! But today at Children's Place I found these cute pointelle tights in cream and white($5.00 a piece)...that way in case I decide to go with white instead of cream last minute, I'll be all set...her pictures are Monday at 10:00 am!

~We needed a white sweater for Hailey to wear with her dress tomorrow since it's so stinking cold out. Talk about waiting til the last minute! Luckily, good ol' Target saved the day. I found this adorable little sweater w/ puff sleeves for only $9.99! (Ok it's much cuter in person, this picture doesn't do it justice!)

~While in Target I happened to pass the display of flannel sheets. I had been wanting to get Hailey a set for weeks now, and I esp. loved a pattern they had there. They never had any of the twin sets in stock though! I got lucky today, they'd just gotten a shipment in! So now Hailey will have adorable flannel sheets for her bed!!!
~Then I headed over to Walmart and picked up this play kitchen as a favor to my mom. She's buying it for Hailey for Christmas and we were afraid the store would run out since it's only $38(it even makes noises/lights up and comes with all kinds of accessories!) thing I learned from this purchase--my car is way too small! You should have seen me trying everything imaginable to get this thing shoved in my car...I'm sure I looked rediculous! I finally got it to fit in the trunk...

I also got my sister and her fiance a $20.00 gift card to Target for their wedding and a bag of dark chocolate kisses(their favorite!) to enjoy on their honeymoon!

I'm hoping the day's good luck will continue and tonight will go smoothly and I'll get everything done that I need to!

Everybody already knows I'm weird, but...

I'm finally getting around to Kristin's tag! I've been thinking about this thing for like a week now(or has it been longer???) and honestly it's been hard to come up with 7 random or weird things about myself because I'm such an open book! I've already shared so much of my weirdness! I figured I better just go ahead and try to do it, or I'll probably be trying to come up with things still a month from now... So, without further ado, 7 weird or random things about myself(that I can't promise you haven't heard before)...


1. Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random or weird things about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Seven random/weird things about me:

  1. I don't like milk chocolate...I can put up with white(which my friend constantly points out is NOT chocolate, it's candy--who cares!), and I LOVE white chocolate covered strawberries...but my favorite is dark chocolate. I love the sweet yet bitter taste...I could eat it every day. I am SO looking forward to the dark chocolate covered apple slices on the fruit bouquet at my sister's wedding tomorrow!!!! If you haven't tried this, you so should...
  2. I wish my husband had an awesome, well paying job so we could afford a house and like 10 kids. I know I'm crazy, but growing up it was just me and my siblings are all half or step siblings, and lived with my I've always wanted a huge family. I love those shows on TLC about families with tons of kids(like the Duggars and Jon and Kate Plus 8--two of my fav. big families). My husband on the other hand wants no more than 2. So I'm compromising, and saying we'll have 3...and we'll see later on down the road, maybe a 4th will come along. Who knows :o) 4 would be my ideal. This is one reason my health problems make me so nervous and why I'm on my husband's butt all the time to get a good job. I feel like I deserve to live this one dream!
  3. I would love to work outside, maybe for a landscaping company. I would love to be able to do this sort of thing for a living. I don't want to RUN a landscaping company, I don't want to plan the landscaping out, I just want to do the manual labor...putting down mulch, planting things, weeding etc.
  4. I hate taking showers or baths. I LOVE getting clean, but taking a shower is such a pain! It's so labor intensive, and honestly I hate getting wet. The only reason I enjoy swimming in the summer is to cool off. Otherwise, I'd rather stay nice and dry. When I get out of the shower I'm freezing...and then I have to begin the long process of putting on lotion and moisturizer, brushing my tangled curly hair, Q-tipping my ears, etc. etc....I just find it a pain.
  5. I hate having to put on makeup and do my hair. I love the look of nice straight shiny hair, and I hate the way I look without makeup...but I still really dislike the task of doing both these things. I frequently wear my hair pulled back, and hate it every day I do. I used to not even wear makeup to work after I had Hailey, but once she started getting older I realized it made me feel so much better to have makeup on and my hair halfway decent. Today I have on full makeup(which consists of concealer, powder, blush, eyeshadow and mascara) and my hair is down and shiny and straight, and I feel great! Which leads me to #6...
  6. I have a very small/limited amount of energy every day...I have my whole life. I was never one of those kids that could bounce off the walls 99% of the day, sleep for 3 hours and be rested and full of energy again. As a kid I'd sleep for 10 hours a night if not more, and STILL feel tired the next day. I did my fair share of physical activity, running around outside, doing gymnastics and such. And I used to have a really hard time falling asleep. But when I did, I'd crash...sometimes even on the stairs or the hallway between the living and dining room... so now as an adult, I know I have this limited amount of energy and I have to plan my days accordingly. Work takes a lot of my energy. Taking care of Hailey pretty much takes up the rest of my daily extra things like housework, I have to pick and choose what's most important to me that day, and push myself to do it. Or pick the easiest thing on the days that I feel like I can't even push myself, and do those and then crash. I have no problems falling asleep at night now. And on nights I fall asleep at 9:00 and sleep straight through, I'm still not ready to get up when my alarm goes off in the morning. I hate it! If only I could find some magic trick that would give me more energy so I wouldn't feel so worn down all the time!
  7. Over time I have learned to trust my gut feelings/instincts. I'm been eerily right in the past about any strong feelings I may have. For instance ALL my life I've had dreams about the car I'm riding in going over the side of an exit ramp. But I was never overly paranoid about this. Then one day we were going to go dress shopping in St. Louis for my senior prom dress. I was beyond excited. This was my 1st shopping trip to St. Louis ever!! But I woke up that morning and ALMOST called the trip off. I woke up with a gut feeling that we shouldn't go. A scene of our car going over the side of an exit ramp played over and over again in my head. I told myself not to be silly, and we went ahead with the trip...I didn't tell my mom or D of my fears--I knew they'd just make fun of me. On the way there I had a nasty feeling in my stomach, a nervous uneasiness, even though I was really excited. Halfway through the trip we were heading to a different mall. At the last minute D told my mom we needed to take an upcoming exit. Little did we know it made a complete U-turn and headed back the other direction...going from 60 mph to a 15 mph area didn't work. Over the side of the exit we went. The whole way down, before we hit an embankment on the other side, I was screaming and all I could think was "holy shit I was right!" I was bawling, and my mom thought it was because I was scared, but I was bawling because I was scared at knowing it was going to happen, not scared at what we just went through. I've always been a paranoid person...ever since then, that's gone 10-fold. I trust my gut now, even if it means going out of my way to avoid something or putting us at an inconvenience. I don't take chances anymore!!
So, there you have it. I'm a certified weirdo! :o) Now I know I'm supposed to tag 7 people, but I'm just going to say that I tag anyone that hasn't done this yet!

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Talk about Bridezilla!

The big day is almost here and I'm left combing the net for the perfect bridesmaid hairstyle. During my search I came across this site. This particular section really caught my eye:

Coordinating Hair Color

In addition to selecting a hairstyle for your bridesmaid you may want to consider coordinating their hair color as well. Having your bridesmaids’ hair colored to match or to reflect your wedding’s theme can be a great way to really step up the look of your wedding party, and it can also be a great bridesmaid gift.

And I thought when my best friend got married years ago and asked us to all wear the exact same shades of makeup as her(she was pale, I'm dark skinned and another bridesmaid was black--would NOT have worked!) that SHE had gone nutty! If someone went so far as to ask me to dye my hair for their wedding I think I would have to tell them just what I thought of that idea. Seriously, come on people!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

It's hard to believe in 3 days my little sister will be a married woman. I'm so incredibly excited for her, and so happy that she found such a wonderful guy to share her life with! Unfortunately he is being deployed again in February, and is stationed in CA so they'll only get to actually be together for a couple weeks before he leaves again. He'll be in training the whole month of January and not able to communicate with my sister. It'll be hard, but hopefully the time will fly by and they can be together again. Unfortunately this means her moving to CA for now, but I'm trying to not even think about that right now! Right now we're just excited for the wedding! I haven't gotten all dressed up like this since my own wedding 1 1/2 years ago! We're getting our hair done that morning together (I'm still trying to find a style for my medium length hair--I've only had long hair styles done before!) while my mom watches Hailey. !!!!! I just can't believe the wedding is almost here, and that my little baby sister is getting MARRIED!!! Where does time go??

By the way, I got my new camera/printer set yesterday in the mail, and I LOVE it! So I should be able to take lots of pictures of everything at the wedding (including the $250 dark chocolate covered fruit boquet that her future mother in law insisted she let her buy!!!--I am SO JEALOUS!)

Monday, December 3, 2007


Well the new stomach meds aren't going to work...they make me so nauseous I can't even move. Totally not worth it. My grandpa told me about some stuff he uses that used to be available by prescription only and it's now available OTC, so I'm going to try that. I'm just so tired of dealing with it! BLAH

We were going to a friend's house the next town over Saturday night to watch the game on their big wide screen TV(for the record, I think these TV's are stupid--they make everybody look very wide...I hate the distorted image...but that's just my opinion) . I was hurrying to straighten my hair and I did something really stupid...clamped the thing down on my ear. I've never done this before in my life. I guess there's a first time for everything huh. My skin peeled off right away, and it hurt like heck. My sister is getting married this coming weekend, and I'm her only bridesmaid. And now I'm going to have a scabbed ear LOL Oh well, could be worse.

I'm feeling the time crunch for this month...there's still so much to do...
~Finish decorating the Christmas Tree (put the ornaments on and the skirt underneath)
~Finish decorating the house
~Finish buying presents
~Wrap presents
~My sister's wedding...the rehearsal is Friday night and she wants to hang out afterwards
~I finally got Hailey's Christmas outfit, now I just need to get a pair of cream colored tights
~Make appointment to get Hailey's pictures taken (where, when???)
~Take a good photo, upload, and order Christmas cards from Snapfish
~Get addresses together to send out Christmas cards
Ok the list goes on and on. It's all fun stuff, but I'm just a little stressed about getting everything done. Our camera and printer set is set to be delivered today, which means I'll have a note on my door when I get home from work telling me they tried to deliver it and they won't without a I'll have to call and give them the address to my mom's work which is right by my house. So, I'll probably get my camera tomorrow...and I'm really hoping it's awesome and I love it, because I may just go out and buy a black and a white flat sheet and hang them up in the living room and try to take the pictures myself!! We'll see... having pictures taken is just SO STRESSFUL and you hear bad things about all the cheaper places here in town (like Penneys, Sears and Walmart) but I don't have the money to go blow 500$ on professional pics, that's crazy! I keep wondering if life will ever slow down. It's always so hectic. I want so bad to take Hailey around to all the special places in town to see the Christmas lights, but when??? We never have time, and before we know it Christmas will have come and gone! I'm really craving some down time, and the only way I see that happening is if I go ahead and get all this stuff done ASAP so the rest of the month is semi-free. Wish me luck on that!

Now I feel the need to share a recent development...I think I've blogged before about how D doesn't do a whole lot with Hailey. It's always bothered me. Ever since our big blow up quite a while ago, that has changed. While he still doesn't do 99% of her care, as in feeding her, getting her dressed, changing diapers etc., he has formed a relationship with her that makes me all warm and fuzzy inside to think about. Yesterday I was giving her a bath and he came in the bathroom. She told him "Daddy, get in! Pants off, shirt off!" That was my cue to leave...I left them to dump water in each other's faces(why does she cry when I'm rinsing out her hair but laugh hysterically when he dumps a cup of water over her face???)...I love doing laundry or dishes or whatever it is I need to do and hearing them laughing up a storm in the bathroom, splashing away. And something else that amazes me. Daddy is her new bedtime friend. She used to refuse to let anyone but me put her to bed. Now, if Daddy is home, he is who she chooses. And that's alright with me. I want her to feel safe and happy and warm with her dad and I want them to read books and snuggle and giggle and have that close relationship that I never had and always longed for with my dad. It's so special to me that she loves her daddy so much. Even though I do miss doing bedtime sometimes, if Hailey wants him I tell him to go ahead. Now I just have to remind myself to give him a little more freedom when he's doing things with when he actually made her a plate of food for breakfast yesterday and he squirt syrup all over her pancakes AND eggs, and I told him not to do that again. I should have just let him. One time eating a plate of food doused in syrup isn't going to kill her. And she still napped, even w/ all that sugar. He just does things differently, and I have to get over that. My way is not the only way. It's a work in progress, but I'm so happy with how it's coming along.

I feel all's amazing how tiny little things can make a difference. I took the advice of Erin and last night when I got home from the store I opened the big bag of Lays I bought for D's lunches and separated them into 6 individual lunch size baggies. I can't go so far as to make a week's worth of sandwiches at a time, as D wouldn't eat them if they were made that far in advance. But I DID pack his lunch the night before... so today he doesn't have to waste money on fast food and I still got to work on time! (Ok, I got to work 10 minutes late...but I feel cruddy ok? This new lunch routine will help tomorrow, I promise!) I've already come up with a couple New Years Resolutions(which I usually don't do) for this year...finding little ways like this to become more organized is one of them. The other is to slow down our lives a bit, not be so rushed all the time...but I think I've already posted about that :) My next project: a filing system for all the bills...I'm tired of the cascading piles on my dining table and bar!

By the way, I added a #4 to the HellMart post...

Hope everyone had a nice weekend!