I'm still here

Things have been pretty crazy over the past 4 days. It hasn't been wonderful, I'm not going to lie. I went to the ER Thursday night where they gave me Zofran for my extreme nausea and sent me on my way. That did its trick, thank God...I got home about 5:30am and called my boss and left a voicemail about what happened and how I wouldn't be there that day (I presume this is what I said, although I can't remember any of it) and then I laid down to try to finally get some sleep. I got about an hour of sleep before my alarm went off at 7:30. I called my boss again...again, I don't remember the conversation except her saying something about that happened to her once w/ a cough medicine. Then I called the babysitter to let her know Hailey would be there she'd just be late...I do remember wanting to get off the phone so badly because I was so out of it. Get this...I don't even remember who took my kid to daycare. That's how messed up I was. It was either my mom or my husband. I have no idea. It was a really scary episode that I never want to go through again. I don't understand why anyone would put themselves in that state intentionally whether it be through abusing prescription drugs or using recreational drugs. Seriously, who would WANT to feel so out of it like that? Anyway, I slept Friday morning and watched TLC and Dr. Phil Friday afternoon until D got home with Hailey.

Saturday was actually okay. Hailey woke up with her right eye gummed shut but I just thought it was her cold and cleaned it off for her. I did some housework, played with Hailey, cooked a really good chicken and rice casserole and took some of that to my mom (she's still got this head cold that the rest of us have except she's worse since she has asthma)...and then went to my dad's for the evening to see my sister's new puppy her husband bought for her for her birthday and try to cheer my dad up. He's being served with divorce papers any day now and knows they're coming so he's pretty down again. Hailey had had diarea for about a week at that point...she had a huge blowout before we left my dad's. I had to give her a bath there it was so bad. Thank God I had extra clothes for her. By the time we got home my left ear was so clogged I couldn't hear out of it.

Sunday Hailey woke up with both eyes gummed shut. I woke with both ears clogged so I could barely hear at all. We had a low key day. Hailey still wasn't eating much but she didn't poop all day either so that was good.

Yesterday, thank GOD we had off work already. I woke up feeling like absolute CRAP. I had a full blown head cold/sinus infection again. Luckily last time I had a sinus infection I was bad and only took like 1 day's worth of my antibiotics so I had almost a full week of that left. I started that and called my dr. No appointments til Friday. Wasn't I just saying she was wonderful? Yea, I'm starting to second guess that...they told me to go to the convenience clinic. That's why I have a dr., so I don't have to go there. Anyway they told me to try Mucinex. I had to take Hailey to the dr. She has pink eye in both eyes and an ear infection. I am at my wits end. It's just one thing after the other lately. I have no idea where she got pink eye, nobody else has it. And we're so good about hand washing and all that. I don't know, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. Luckily Hailey's diarea was gone today, my left ear opened up somewhat and my sinus pressure lessened after I took a nap.

Then last night I had a really hard time getting Hailey to sleep. She kept sitting up and pointing at her door saying "The door Mommy, the door" and if I tried to sit up to look she'd say "Lay back down!" and sort of freak out. I finally got her to sleep and got to sleep myself about 11:30. By 12:30 D was in our room holding her, saying she'd woken up and was insisting on laying down w/ me in her bed. I took her in there. At first she was okay. Then she started freaking out. She begged to go lay down w/ us in our bed. I told her she had to stay in her own bed. She finally settled down but then would cry every 15 minutes or so. I finally got out of her room at 3:30 am and went to bed. I had the monitor on because my head is still clogged and I heard her wake up every 20 minutes or so crying or talking. One time she said "No, I don't like it! I don't like it!" and then went back to sleep. I'm not sure if the eye drops were hurting her eyes even though she repeatedly told me no when I asked her, or if she's starting to have nightmares or night terrors, whatever they're called. I kind of wondered when she was pointing towards her door...D had the dining room light on to do homework and you could see it through the cracks of the door. I normally have the light off. I don't know if this scared her, or what. Her favorite movie these days is Monsters Inc. In the beginning it shows a monster creeping out of the closet door to scare a kid. I think it looks like it would scare her. She's always acted like she thinks it's okay, and then funny when he falls on the jax and hurts his rear end. But maybe w/ the light coming in around her door last night she started putting 2 and 2 together in her little head and got scared? I don't know. All I know is neither one of us really slept last night.

This morning was horrible. I am so upset, for so many reasons. One, she fought her eye drops really bad. She was hysterical. I tried pinning her down, nothing worked. I can pin her down and shove medicine down her throat no problem. But because I can't stand to have anything touch my eye, I could only try for so long to do eye drops on her before I broke down bawling. I hate putting her through that. She was so scared and mad and upset. I called my boss and told her I was going to be late to work. I woke up D and told him what was going on. He had to pin her whole body down and help me pry her eyes open. We finally got it done. The poor thing was still so upset. You could tell her feelings were hurt. She's been telling me so much lately that she loves me, out of nowhere and with such emotion that it almost brings me to tears. I love it. This morning, I could tell by the look in her eyes, she was really hurt. And that hurts me. To make her feel hurt and betrayed like that. I'm supposed to be her safe haven, the person that keeps her from harm. And here I had my legs wrapped around her, trying to pry her eyes open while finally losing it and yelling at her to stay still because Mommy had to go to work or I'd get in trouble. AAAAH! I hate this. It's just not fair. If I hadn't of had to go to work I could have let her sleep in, wake up rested and be more receptive to the drops. She wouldn't be at daycare right now exhausted and feeling like crap, wanting her Mommy. This morning after it was all said and done and she was cuddling in D's lap whimpering while I tried to get dressed...I just lost it. I started bawling. I told D that I've had it. That as soon as we can I have to quit working because it's just not fair to her or to me. I told him I don't care if we have a nice house or nice cars. I cannot do this anymore. I try really hard to hold it all together, but when I've got a sick baby wanting her Mommy and I have to pawn her off on other people because work is getting mad because I'm gone so much, it just gets to a point where I can't handle it anymore. It breaks my heart. And nobody at my work cares what's going on. How I'm feeling, how she's feeling...I don't fit in to their little clique. They all talk behind my back. Even the ones I thought I got along with, as I found out this morning. I got to work this morning 30 minutes late. I was already feeling like I was going to burst into tears at any moment and then I get an email from the completely anal secretary, or building "mom" as I call her that ended with this:

Miscellaneous
One last thing that I have been asked to bring to everyone's attention is that when food is brought in for all of us to share, please use either a napkin, tongs, or other utensil to select an item with. Do not touch an item with your hands if you are not taking it. With as many people as we have in our office, it seems like there is always someone (or their kids) sick, so let's try to minimize the spreading of those germies!

This was directed right to me. Which really really hurts. I had suspected it, but for them to announce it to everyone like that in a building-wide email...that just wasn't necessary. We are scheduled for certain goody days and on my days they never eat what I bring. Then one day the girl that used to be pregnant and have HG said she wanted a scone that another building had brought for us. I was going back there to get some water and I offered to help her move them to another tray because the other building wanted their tray back that evening. I washed my hands really well and while she washed a third tray I moved them onto one of the trays we already had. I even commented on how I wash my hands so much they are so dry they hurt, because I didn't want her to think it was gross that I was touching all of them. After I had moved them all, she made the comment "I think I'm just going to have my leftover bagel" and then walked off. I even told my mom what happened that day, and how I really thought that she didn't eat one just because I'd touched them. I had a cold at the time, but ok I had just washed my hands really well and I barely touched them! With 2 fingers, just long enough to plop them on the other tray. The next day a few of them were gone, but most of them were thrown away. What hurts is this is one of the girls I talk to on a regular basis. That I thought liked me. But apparently my suspicions were true. I had a feeling she went and told the others what had happened so they wouldn't eat them. Then we get that email today and I know that it was directed at me. I'm one of the very few that has little kids and I'm the one that touched all the scones. From now on, when it's my turn to bring for goody day I'm not wasting my time cooking some nice dessert that they're not even going to eat. I'll just buy something cheap. One time I bought nice frozen chocolate pies and nobody even ate those! I mean these were good expensive pies! If they make a comment when I bring in a package of store made cookies I'll just say I didn't want to get them sick from my daughter's germs. But what really bites my ass is the fact that in this same email, the lady makes the comment that if you use the dishes in the lunch room you need to help unloading the dishwasher. I'm one of the few that don't help with this because I rarely use the dishes and I didn't want to touch them all and possibly infect them with my germs, seeing as how they obviously think I'm gross since they never eat the food I bring in. So, I'm not supposed to touch their food, but I am supposed to touch the dishes they're going to eat said food off of? Riiiiiight. That makes a whole lot of sense. I'm not talking to any of them anymore. I'm done. Monthly birthday lunches? Screw that. I've got errands to run. I'm sick and tired of them treating me like a disgusting outcast...because what, I rent my home and none of them do...I am poor, and they're all swimming in money...I wear older clothes, they've all got a wardrobe full of new fashionable outfits. Whatever. They don't even know me...they don't even try to get to know me. They don't like the other new lady either, because she's an older lady that doesn't care about fashion or money and is, get this, "too helpful." The only person that doesn't act like I'm disgusting is my boss. She's pregnant and she even asked to use my Chapstick last week when I had a cold. I assured her I hadn't used it in weeks so it would be okay and she really didn't seem too overly concerned. Anyway, the point of my rambling is I'm hurt.

And I haven't started yet even though it's already Tuesday. I switched to a new brand this last month, I'm praying to God that's the reason. I'm sorry I know babies are great and all, but I will be devastated if I'm pregnant. That is just so not what I need right now...and I don't want a repeat of how my life went when I got pregnant with Hailey. I wanted the next time to be different.

Sorry for the huge pity party but things are just bad right now. Hopefully they start to get better from here on out.

Holiday Recap

The first 2 days of our holiday break were awesome. I put Hailey to bed at a decent time Fri. and Sat. nights and she didn't have to get up early the next days...she also took good naps...she was like a different kid. No fits at all, hilariously silly, just a happy little camper. Sunday we went to my Grandma's for dinner, no drama at all except my dad not feeling well and refusing to eat. Hailey had a blast and got a cool new toy (Rainbow Aquadoodle Playmat, I highly recommend it) that she loves. Monday Hailey FINALLY picked out her Christmas ornament. We went to Hobby Lobby and she walked along the isles by herself, telling one woman that was blocking the isle "Excuse me" as she squeezed past. She picked out a King Fish ornament (I'll add a picture tonight) but the crown was broken. She threw a massive fit and wanted no other ornament, so I told her we could pay for it (she understands you have to pay for something to take it from a store, so when she wants something she asks to "pay for it"...if she doesn't want it she says "Put it back") and they gave me an extra 10% off the already 50% discounted price since it was broken. I'll have to hot glue it because the crown is a bit sharp at the base, but she hasn't noticed it hanging on the tree yet anyway.

Christmas day started off great. We took a couple hours to open presents. Hailey had a great time and loved all her gifts. She pushed her new doll stroller around and told us she was going to the store. When she opened her little horse she clapped her hands and say "YAY, a horse!" She even loved her clothes, exclaiming "CLOTHES! PAJAMAS!!" She's a true little girl. We were having a nice relaxing time until our inlaws called right after I'd gotten out of the shower and were griping that we weren't there yet (God forbid I get to clean my ass once in a while)...I had to rush to get us and everything ready to leave. Poor Hailey kept following me around all happy wanting to play, and I finally had to stop after bumping into her for the 3rd time and tell her I was really sorry but I needed her to get out of mommy's way. THIS BREAKS MY HEART. To see her standing there holding one of her new toys, so confused as to why things went from peaceful and fun to rushed and stressed. I don't know how, but next year things are going to be different. I'm sick of having Christmas ruined by my damn in laws. We got there at noon(seriously, that's not late at all) and they were actually acting okay. My nephew was being his normal incredibly annoying spoiled brat self, throwing a huge fit because Hailey didn't want to play with him. They MADE my daughter play with him so he'd be happy. They never get onto this kid, it was driving me insane. It was even driving my husband insane, and that's saying something. My BIL and SIL were doing nothing to reprimand him at all, leaving it up to my inlaws, and they don't reprimand him either they talk baby talk to him nicely. For the first time I saw my FIL and MIL, on separate occasions, get upset with this kid...but they did NOTHING to correct his behavior. It was stressing D and I out so bad. At present opening time Hailey had almost nothing to open, while spoiled little W had at least twice the gifts Hailey did, no exaggeration...and his were huge too...a black and decker tool bench included. I bet they spent a good 300$ on this kid, no joke, and about 50$ on Hailey(which 1 thing if they would ever read the family blog they would have seen she already had so we had to take it back, and 1 thing is a fizzy tub thing that changes the water colors that she can't use because it will irritate her little girl parts). It was seriously pitiful. Normally I wouldn't care, I mean it's not the gifts that count. But when you're 2 years old and your cousin is opening tons of cool presents and you have nothing to open, you get your feelings hurt. It broke my heart to have my daughter come to me crying because she had nothing to open and W was opening tons. All I could tell her was "I know sweetie, I'm sorry." She didn't understand, and damnit I don't either...why are they so different to her than they are to my BIL and SIL's kids??? My MIL made some comment to my SIL about how some of the gifts to the boys(my 4 month old nephew also got more gifts from my inlaws than Hailey did) were from the grandparents in St. Louis. I thought to myself Okay now why are their gifts here and Hailey's are still in St. Louis??? My MIL told me "Hailey's gift (notice the singular there, whereas the W boys had plural gifts) is still in St. Louis." My MIL later told me "We bought a bunch of gifts for W to be from the grandparents but they forgot and bought him more stuff"....hello, then TAKE WHAT YOU GOT HIM BACK or buy more for Hailey or something. Come on, don't make it that uneven, that is just so unfair to the kids. They broke Hailey's heart! Then at dinner I put my plate on the table and my insane MIL had put so much furniture polish on the table it slid right across and plopped onto my chair spilling my dinner...they ALWAYS have a table cloth on the table, but my MIL said she took it off because my 3 year old nephew W kept pulling it off. Hello, GET ONTO THE KID. My husband laughed hysterically at me and my mother in law was very annoyed although she tried to act like she wasn't. I don't get embarrased easily anymore, and I've known these people for going on 9 years...I'm completely comfortable around them. And I was OH.SO.MORTIFIED. I am 25 years old and I spilled my whole plate of food on the floor because I just didn't think. I hurried and ate, and got onto Hailey when she mimicked my 3 year old nephew W by not eating her food and growling at us. At which point she stopped, and ate. Hmmm, amazing what a little discipline will do for a kid....grr.... After the whole present fiasco Hailey started playing with W's toys while he went outside and ran around like a wild child (Did I mention it was 50 freaking degrees outside??? Gotta love MO weather...I was actually wishing it was colder, I was sweating because of all the running around we had to do!). Finally my husband starts taking stuff out to the car including our 170$ worth of Christmas pictures of Hailey I'd brought to hand out. They started a snowball fight. I went to yell out the door at D that those pictures were 170$ and he needed to put them away so they didn't get ruined and SPLAT my husband's snowball hit me smack dab right in the middle of the forehead. It was in my eyes, everywhere. I was so upset. I wiped myself off and went inside and grabbed my daughter, told everyone bye and we left. It may have been my imagination but when my MIL hugged me she lingered a bit, hugging me a little tight...I'm hoping that meant she understood my frustrations of the day and didn't hold anything against me...we shall see. Once we got in the car, my husband apologized, I cried a little, we both laughed at what happened, we both vented our frustrations about his parents and our nephew and then breathed a huge sigh of relief. We called my mom to let her know we were coming and immediately relaxed. The rest of the day was great! We got to my mom's a little after 3 and took the rest of the day to open presents, visit, eat dinner and loads of cookies(pictures to come), watch a couple movies and just have a great time! When my mom gave Hailey her last present, a pink, purple and white Radio Flyer trike, Hailey gasped and said "My bicycle, thank you O...!" (She calls my mom something odd, not sure if I've posted about it before...) That was the first time that whole day she'd say thank you without my prompting...it was so sweet. On the way home we went to look at Christmas lights again. After we put Hailey to bed D and I organized and put everything away. It was a great end to the day.

Then yesterday hit, and all hell broke loose.

First off Hailey pooped so she woke up earlier than she needed to. D's friend came over, so Hailey refused to nap. She was a CRANKY BUTT the whole day and didn't want me at all. I was exhausted. Finally my mom and I snuck out to go return some stuff to HELL MART. I officially HATE that store. The pissy old hag in the customer service dept. was the last straw. My mom started all uppety with her when she got smart with my mom about not having her receipt, even though we were just trying to exchange my PJ's that obviously came from there and it was their fault because the tops were a small and the bottoms were a large(hello, their mistake not ours!) and I told my mom to take it down a notch. My mom NEVER confronts people, so this was a new experience for me. Then the old hag turned on ME and started getting pissy with ME, at which point I lost it and told her she needed to stop being so damn pissy. My mom told me to back away. I went and got the new set of pj's to exchange. When I came back the hag was off duty and talking to 2 other employees as I walked by about me so I said rather loudly (I'm ashamed to admit) that I wished the old hag would have a heart attack right there and drop dead. Ugh I'm a horrible person. My mouth gets the better of me. They didn't have half the crap I needed at HELL MART, surprise surprise. My husband calls me halfway through informing me he took Hailey down the road to the local kids play place and needed a diaper(he took her w/out a spare diaper and in shoes 2 sizes too big for her...such a man) so we had to rush through shopping and leave. We had just gotten back home and unloaded the groceries when D called me frantic telling me she was driving him insane and we needed to come get them (they'd walked there earlier, it was now raining). When we got there he informed me he'd changed in $20 in a machine he thought was going to give him quarters but it gave him tokens instead. She wanted to run from game to game so the tokens were a waste(he didn't know I never let her go up to the arcade for exactly this reason...) and when I asked for a refund they wouldn't refund our money. I told them that wasn't posted anywhere and my husband thought it would give him quarters and that my daughter is 1 year old and won't use the tokens and we can't afford to waste that money...the manager didn't give a shit, she told me flat out no, your fault and we don't do refunds. I lost it and told her that was fucking ridiculous (again, not my best moment) and we went to leave. The doors are locked until they check your stamps so I yelled at the lady that I didn't have a damn stamp I was just there to pick them up OBVIOUSLY. She opened the doors and we went out to the car. I had my head laying on the steering wheel, thinking about the 20$ my husband just wasted that we couldn't afford to do without and I looked up and the lady was staring at me through the window talking to the 2 teenage employees at the counter and laughing. I threw my hands up in the air and mouthed "What???" because I didn't know why it was so damned funny and she freaking FLIPPED ME OFF. In front of all those kids, the MANAGER flipped me off. Nice.

Oh it just gets better.

My grandma called me last night and informed me that my dad had been slurring his speech on the phone with her and she couldn't get ahold of my sister to ask if my dad's ok. My sister was out vising her mother in another town. I get in touch with her finally and ask her what's wrong with dad. She said he got mad and took 15 vicodin, a regular occurrence apparently. I called my gma, told her what was going on, told her he's done it before but I'd like it if she'd go check on him. I called my sister back, told her gma is talking crazy again and she needed to stay at her husband's parents house that night(he is in visiting before he leaves for Iraq...they don't have a house yet because he's leaving) and to avoid gma at all costs. My gma called me, said she was at my dad's and the car was there and the lights were on but he wouldn't come to the door. I called my sister, she headed back into town to unlock the doors. My brother in law called me and told me they got in the house, phone was off the hook dad not there. The neighbors said 2 cop cars and an ambulance had been there. All my brothers and sisters got on the phone w/ different hospitals. Finally found him at the one hospital we all hate. He had tried to kill himself. Took all the medication he had in the house, which is a lot because of his various health problems. They swing by and pick me up on the way to the hospital. I finally gave in and went in to see him. Nobody should ever have to see their dad like that. High as a kite, not knowing who he is, charcoal still staining his teeth and all over his face. He kept passing out and his vitals would crash and none of the dr.s would come check. The dr.s in the next trauma bay over told us we had to leave because of this belligerent drunk woman they were trying to work on yelling at them(they were yelling back telling her they were going to break her arm etc....this hospital royally sucks...it's a teaching hospital and the students are arrogant SOB's). Then we're all waiting in the waiting room and my grandma called to have them let her back in there so he wouldn't be alone, because he kept trying to pull all the stuff off himself and leave. The people inside the ER unlocked the door to let her in and this little gay male nurse (nothing against gay's, I'm not like that...just giving you a mental picture here seriously) got in front of my grandma and said "Excuse me, do you need something?" really pissy. My step sister told him the people inside had just said she could come in, so he punched his little code in on the pad blocking it w/ his other hand so my gma couldn't see and let her in(hello the door was already unlocked dumbass showoff) and then let the other lady through they were taking back. My sister walked by me and said to ME, "I am sick of all the pissy people in this hospital" and this little nurse man turned to us and YELLED "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY, EXCUSE ME DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME?????!!!!" I stepped up and told him she was not talking to him and our private conversation had nothing to do with him, that she was not even looking at him when she said what she said. And he laid into us, screaming! I put my hand up and shooed him away, saying "Move along, move along, move along!" So he couldn't talk, and of course my sister's husband stepped in front of me and started booming at the guy to shut his mouth (He's a marine, you get the picture) and the guy ran through the door. Of course he called security to have us removed...security was 2 little girls, younger than me, my size. Talk about intimidating. They told us the nurse said we had to leave. I told them my father had just tried to kill himself and then a nurse harassed us and WE'RE being asked to leave? She started shooing us out, literally with her hands shooing us, at which point I lost it again. I started screaming at her that this was fucking ridiculous, that my dad was in there half dead and we didn't do a damn thing and yet we had to leave. She told me she didn't care, that we had to leave. I screamed right in her face and told her not to shoo me out and that I hoped her dad tried to kill himself one of these days so she'd know how we all felt at that moment. Again, not my proudest moment...although I'm not really sorry about that comment I admit. All my family lost it and all us kids were yelling as we walked out and I turned and told her she needed to change professions because she was not intimidating at all and just looked downright silly trying to be a security guard. I went home and told my husband what happened. He couldn't believe they'd made us leave when it was THEM who caused all the problems. I played with Hailey for a little bit then put her to bed. I was up most of the night worrying about my dad and so upset about everything. My dad only has one kidney, his other one failed a few years back and had to be removed. If he's ruined this last one, I don't know what'll happen.

Well they don't know about the blood work yet, but my dad is so manipulative he actually made them believe he didn't try to kill himself. He said it was an accident. Which is a total and complete lie. The amount of drugs he took, and the fact that he's been threatening to kill himself for a couple months now...I mean come on. But the stupid hospital let him go home. There is a 72 hour mandatory holding period after somebody tries to kill themselves here(I don't know what it's like other places)...but he got around it. But then again this is the man that after he had his heart attack and was in the ICU pulled out his IV and all the monitors and got dressed and walked out of the hospital and all the way across town and went home...he never did get checked out of the hospital that time. He just left. He's insane. I just can't be around that anymore. I'm done. And now he's mad at all of us for saying he tried to kill himself. When we all pulled together and were there for him last night. UGH what is wrong with my family?

More negativity...

People are so fake it’s ridiculous. It drives me up the wall when somebody is half-assed nice to my face and then talks about me behind my back…or worse, is bitchy to my face for NO APPARENT REASON—which seems to happen quite often at this place. I hate the fact that this person doesn’t even know me and doesn’t like me. There are no “fairytale” jobs…I was so stupid when I started here, thinking I’d found this dream workplace where everybody got along and things were just great. Everybody does not get along, everybody talks behind each other’s backs, and you have to choose sides. I’m sorry but I’m not one to dislike somebody unless I have a real reason. And because I’ve chosen not to dislike certain people, apparently I’m slowly becoming disliked myself. How silly is that? It’s not all bad. But a couple bad apples can spoil a whole bunch. I don’t want to be here today. Pissy girl started my day off bad when I brought her something she needed and she acted like she was SO ANNOYED with me. I’m bored…I don’t have enough work to do at all so that makes for a very slow day...and plenty of time for me to obsess over everything wrong in my life right now. I go to ask somebody a personal question and people that walk by think OH MY GOSH that I’m talking about them. I’m just tired of it all. But yet I’m scared to go home to my kid at night now because I don’t know if she’ll be Miss Snotty IcandoanythingIwant girl or if she’ll be her normal happy go lucky self. Honestly, I just want to go home and curl up on the couch and go to sleep. I feel like crap, I have a migraine…the whole bit—head pounding, jaw/temples hurting, upset stomach, sensitive eyes—and I don’t want to go home because I know everybody will be talking about me afterwards…how sad is that?? Plus I would have to go get Hailey in a couple hours anyway. Not even worth wasting the time. My sister is supposed to come over tonight, and I feel bad that I feel so horrible because I’m probably not going to be that great of company…plus who knows how Hailey will be towards her. She normally loves her, but w/ her attitude lately she may tell her to piss off…well not quite those words, but you get the picture.

And someone must have just farted in the hallway because it’s drifted in my office and BLEGH if I didn’t already feel sick enough from my migraine now I REALLY feel sick. How gross is that.

I’m sorry to be so negative again, but things just aren’t going right right now.

WHAT.A.WEEKEND (aka...The Longest Post EVER)

Where to begin…

Well first of all, I took Friday off work. To spend with Hailey. You know, because we were going to be gone all weekend and I wanted to see her before we left…GAWD was that a mistake. I don’t know if she could sense we were leaving, or she was just feeling extra cranky or what. But it was a BAD morning. She was fine the first couple hours after she woke up. I was packing, she was packing her pacifiers in my suitecase, and packing her cookies in her own overnight bag. I took her pacifiers out of my bag…is that what started it all? Did she realize she wasn’t going with me at that point?? I have no idea. But all hell started breaking loose. She clung to me like she did when she was little. I couldn’t do anything without her at my legs, pulling my pants down and yelling and screaming at me. I was at my wits end. I fed her lunch. All of a sudden she decided she did not want the rest of her peas. “NO!” I asked her at least 3 times, and each time, “NO!” So I put them on the kitchen counter. Oh God, I took away the kid's food, she was dying of hunger, I tortured her…at least that’s how she acted. She ran over to the counter, threw a huge fit, went to throw herself down on the kitchen floor and throw a fit like she does…and she threw herself into the oven, hitting the corner of the handle on the drawer with her forehead. I freaked out and ran over…big ol goose egg with a cut in the middle, right behind her hair line. I finally got her calmed down by giving her like 10 of these little organic cookies that she likes. Then I tried to rock her and read a book, thinking she was tired. Oh she let me know that was not the case. I lost it, yelled at her that I had no idea what she wanted and she needed to spend some time in her crib while mommy cooled off…and I plopped her in her crib. You’d think I was murdering her. She screamed and cried…of course D, who does hardly any of her care and none of her discipline rushes in the room(and btw was doing nothing to help me pack or get ready to go), yells at me to stop yelling at her, and goes to get her out of the crib. I went over and told him no, leave her there. We cannot let her run this household and get her way all the time. He pushed me away, NOT HARD, but since I’m a huge klutz I tripped backwards over her toys on the floor and fell backwards onto the floor. D tried to catch me but he wasn't quick enough. I felt so stupid. And damn did it hurt my head. And then I felt absolutely horrible because Hailey FLIPPED out and started screaming frantically. D picked her up out of her out of the crib and she struggled and struggled reaching for me, so he laid her on my chest. She clung to me for dear life and just cried. Then I realized…good God, she thinks he pushed me onto the floor. She thinks daddy hurt mommy. She was terrified of him after that. I felt so bad. Here I was fighting with him, well just arguing a bit, in front of Hailey, which I vowed never to do because of all the crap I had to witness from my dad(not my mom, she was wonderful) when I was a kid, but I was at my wits end…and here Hailey and I were bickering…and then this happens, and D starts acting like it’s all my fault that she’s acting terrified of him and here my head is pounding from me hitting it on the floor. Damn talk about a bad morning. D left, said he had to run some errands. He was very hurt, about the whole thing…about Hailey not wanting him, about me being so upset with the whole situation. Here we were supposed to be all lovey dovey, getting ready to go on our anniversary trip, and this happens. I tried my best to get ready, I threw some things in Hailey’s bag and left. I ran by work to use the net for my bank account, since our internet at home isn’t working...Hailey brightened up a bit. I called D and asked if he minded if I just went ahead and dropped her off at my mom’s…it wasn’t like she would have let him tell her bye anyway…he said that’s fine. Honestly by that time I was just ready to hand her over to somebody, I just needed a break. Which I feel horrible saying, because I work 40 hrs a week…I hardly ever get to see her, and I was going to be away from her all weekend, and here I was at my wits end needing a break. It was just a bad morning. She was happy to be at my mom’s. She waved bye to me, barely looking at me…watching her Curious Buddies movie. I went and got D, we got Arby’s for lunch and got on the road. We were both just kind of blah. Trying to make the best out of the rest of the day though. Which leads me to our trip…

So we get down there and the cabin is very neat. I’ll update with pictures later, can’t as my internet at home isn’t working right now. It’s in the back, with a huge deck all to ourselves. We went down to the pool. D starts griping. Doesn’t want to take off his shirt because he thinks he’s fat…he’s bored and hot…the pool is too crowded. D---- Downer. He finally went and got us some drinks from the bar. Then he bitched because he got a beer and he doesn’t like beer, but men are supposed to drink beer not those sissy girly drinks. BLAH He was being so silly! We finally got in the pool and he started having a good time…then I was starving so we had to get out, and he was bummed but ok. We went to eat. He griped that it took too long. He was just in a mood to gripe at everything I guess, which happens sometimes. I think when he’s tired or just isn’t in the right frame of mind. That night the people in the level above us, a bunch of guys(huge busybodies that would not sit down!) annoyed us walking back and forth across the floor and going in and out onto the deck about a million times. Finally I decided to just try to go to bed…D wanted to stay up and watch TV. I got up to turn on the AC and damn if I didn’t see a spider crawling ON the bed, going under it. I am TERRIFIED of spiders ok. I mean like I hyperventilate and everything if I come close to one. I kept my cool, surprisingly (was I just too tired??) and got D…he couldn’t find it to kill it. I even looked and couldn’t find it. He even said he wasn’t sleeping in that bed…so we pulled out the sleeper sofa from the love seat and slept on that. Springs poking me in all the wrong places did not give me a good night’s sleep…not to mention the guys upstairs, who didn’t stop walking around til 1:00 in the morning, woke up at 6:00 am!!! How crazy is that?!?! I woke up and told D “Screw this, I’m sleeping with the spider.” I slept in there til 9, waking up every 30 minutes or so. Talk about a sucky night’s sleep. We went to breakfast, then drove to the outlet mall near there that we went to last year on our honeymoon trip. We had so much fun last year! Well we figured we’d do that in the morning, because it was cloudy and so chilly I had to wear jeans. Not exactly waverunner weather. Well we get to the outlet and right away D starts bitching and griping. He hates shopping, and he was letting me know it. It hurt my feelings. He knew how excited I was about going to the children’s outlet stores. Last year he was great, never griped, had fun…not this year. He ended up turning the car around and saying we were going back to the hotel because we were fighting. I was just hurt, and he was being such a huge turd!! He drove all the way back to the room, and seriously I wanted to come home at that point. I was thinking “screw this, I could be with Hailey right now instead of my crappy husband”…how sad is that??? On our anniversary trip!! We fought pretty bad at that point. I even brought up the fact that we seem to have absolutely nothing in common anymore besides Hailey, and that even when it comes to her he doesn’t really have anything to do with her. I told him maybe we should think about getting a divorce. He got all ticked off and started saying really hurtful things, which made me even more upset. I finally just went outside onto the deck by myself and watched the boats go by and cried. I was so hurt that this was how our anniversary trip was turning out. I was away from Hailey, spent all this money on this vacation for us, and this is how it was turning out. Finally he apologized, said he was just tired, and that we could go…I pulled myself together, put my makeup back on and we left. And he did not have that bad of a time. I only made him go to like 3 stores, and 1 store for him. I didn’t even shop for myself. I didn’t even want to…shopping for Hailey is so much more fun. The sun came out and it got hot, so we rushed back to the resort so I could change into my bathing suit, and we rushed back to our 2:30 reservations for the waverunner. We rode that til 5, and it was a lot of fun. I was starving by the time we were done. We went back to the resort and I got ready. D was even really sweet asking them if they could make our reservations 15 minutes later to give me some extra time to get ready. We went and had an amazing dinner and a lot of fun. Afterwards we took pictures on the deck, being silly and posing etc…I don’t know what happened, but from the waverunners on was so nice…we had so much fun and it would have been so great if we’d had a couple more days there. But right as we started to have fun and enjoy each other, we had to start thinking about coming home. Saturday night we laid around on the couch watching a movie and then slept in the spider bed(he never did make another appearance). The guys weren’t as active upstairs, so we got a better night’s sleep…they still woke up at 6, which means I was up at 6, 7, 8 and finally 9. I got up and started packing while D slept in. We went to breakfast, and decided we’d just head home after going to the gift shop because we couldn’t think of anything else to do besides swim, and we didn’t want to get wet before the drive home…so we got home about 1:00 in the afternoon, and Hailey was napping at my mom’s so we went home and unpacked. I left to go get her, brought her home and D climbed into the back seat so happy to see her. He asked her “Hailey, do you love daddy?” She said “Mommy.” (He told me this later) He didn’t let it get to him. We went to his brother’s, and he carried her in and tried to play with her throughout the evening. We got home that night, and she was tired. He wanted to tell her goodnight…and she wouldn’t let him. I told him to come into the bedroom with us, be a part of the routine…she just screamed at him…he said “apparently I’m not supposed to be a part of the new bedtime routine”…and walked out. I feel so bad for him. I could tell he was crushed. I put Hailey to bed and went out to cuddle with D…he seemed ok. We ate pieces of our wedding cake top that we saved then I went to bed.

So…that was our weekend. Hailey had a great time at my mom’s house. My mom said it went so well that she’ll keep her overnight more often for us now. Which is really good, because I realized something this weekend. D and I have separate lives, which we’ve always had…but we don’t really have a life together anymore. I mean we do somewhat, but not like we should. So we’re going to have to really make it a point to spend time together from now on. Hailey is my life, she’s my everything…but I really have to start trying to give D some of my time/energy/love too. He’s always wanting to let one of our parents watch Hailey so we can go to a movie or something, and I’m always flipping out and saying how much I’d miss her and how I don’t get to see her all day at work why would I want to be away from her even more, and I tell him how could he want to do that when he never gets to see her as it is. He’s trying harder than me at “us”…I just realized that this weekend. To me it seemed like I was, because I was trying to get him to be home more and do more around the house, but then I realized he doesn’t care about all that crap, he just wants to do things with me again as his wife. If that makes any sense. I’ve kind of forgotten about being a wife, I’m all mom now…he loves Hailey, but he hasn’t forgotten that he’s a husband too. We’ve just gotta get all this worked out, and it’s going to take some work and effort. Especially now that school will be starting again in less than a month. But at least he’ll be done in less than a year now. And then we can go from there and kind of officially “start” our life as a family.

I don’t know that I’m making that much sense anymore…I’m bored as hell here at work, nothing to do right now, and I’m wishing I was at home. I’m confused as to how to handle Hailey these days, and that’s making me anxious about picking her up from the sitter’s today…I don’t know how to handle these tantrums she’s been having. My mom admitted to me today at lunch that she did have one meltdown while she was with her this weekend…she saw some sippy cups in a catalog and flipped out, stomping and screaming and crying. My mom went and got her a real one and that upset Hailey even more. Then last night at my brother in law’s house Hailey flipped out I thought because her cousin was playing with a toy she wanted to play with. But when he gave the toy to her she flipped out even more. I tried to pick her up and comfort her and she wanted back down and continued face planting onto the floor and throwing a fit. Is this the “terrible twos”??? How do I handle this sort of this? I’m so afraid of doing something wrong and screwing her up emotionally for life. At 15 months how do you teach them to handle their feelings?? Or even figure out what’s wrong when they’re babbling off long sentences of nonsense with only a few recognizable words thrown in the mix?? I’m at a loss. My mom had no advice, she was just as baffled as I was. And how do you keep your cool when this happens over and over and over again and starts driving you insane(like my Friday morning that I just had…) How do you keep from losing it and yelling back?? I need suggestions. I’m seriously thinking about going to Barnes and Noble and buying a bunch of books on dealing with a toddler’s emotions. Because they are a mystery to me. That is not something I have experience with.

On a better note…I bought the newest (and LAST, boo!) Potter book yesterday!! So freaking excited!! Feel so much better just having it in my possession. Don’t know when I’ll get to start reading it(ok I’ll probably start tonight)…but I need to get to it soon. I’m ultra-paranoid I’m going to hear something in the media about what happens before I get to read it myself!! I’m avoiding all internet media sites or anybody I think might spill the beans. How do you find time to read with a toddler w/out staying up really late???

If you made it this far in this post...you're awesome. I think this is definately the longest post I've ever written.

Wendy Whiner

I’m having one of my “I suck” days where I’m very down about everything. I’ve been worried about Hailey all day(she’s finally feeling better btw, even talked to me on the phone and said “mommy!” and gave me a phone kiss—totally brightened my bummer of a day)…but I have these days every now and then where everything just snowballs and I end up feeling very crappy about myself and very down about my life. Hailey can’t tell of course, because I try not to let her see me upset. But I feel it. It makes the day very long. Today I’m feeling like nobody likes me and everybody thinks I’m annoying—minus my boss, who I can commiserate with about the crud in the office. My husband’s being a turd. terd. How in the world do you spell that. I have a headache…probably from stress. Money can kiss my ass…we don’t have any and I’m tired of it. Well that’s not true, we have some. But I’m sick of worrying about it. I wanna be the girl with the most cake. Damnit. I’m tired, so that just makes it worse. Why am I so tired this week? Well I was bad, I got busy a couple weeks ago and forgot to refill my prescription for my heart pills. Then I forgot to pick them up once I did refill them. Then I forgot to remind my husband to get them, when he was supposed to pick them up. Long story short…I’m back on them now, and my body’s having to get used to them all over again. Plus side, my heart has calmed down. Down side, I’m OH.SO.TIRED. Like go to bed at 9 wake up at 6 and still feel like I can’t move, tired. Like falling asleep on the bathroom floor when I should be getting ready for work tired. OH! Like being pregnant tired! Yea that’s what it feels like. Like my body just can’t move. I have no energy to even get up and go to the bathroom or get myself a glass of water. But I push through it, and I’m hoping it’ll go away soon. So back to my misery…I’ve even been thinking about shutting down the blog lately. Nobody really reads it, except for a few…and I really do feel like I bore people to death. I think I’m really the only one that cares about my day to day ramblings. I know nobody’s as interested in my kid as me. Should I just write a journal in a notebook instead? Is it really ok to air my dirty laundry to the world? Can you tell I’m not myself today? Today I have issues. Like I said. I’m having an I Suck day. I’m also really achy today which doesn’t help anything. I got a pissy email from a co-worker too. Nice huh. Glad I have my own office now, so I can sit here and wallow in my own pissedoffedness w/out too awful many interruptions. I went and picked up lunch with my boss today…we didn’t want to eat what everybody else was eating for our special “birthday lunch” day. I told her I knew everybody was talking about us while we were gone. They made jokes when we got back. So ridiculous. Normally it wouldn’t matter to me, because I really don’t give a crap if shiny-happy-girl (read: bitchy-hormonal-highandmighty-girl) likes me or not. Or if they think I’m overdramatizing the fact that I have stomach issues and can’t eat smoky barbecue…but today, on my I Suck day, it did bother me. They don’t know me, they shouldn’t judge me. But whatever. Tired of my ramblings yet? I’m thinking out loud, I’m afraid. See, this is why I’m thinking of shutting down…UGH I hate these days.

Hm, as I’m writing this on Word to transfer over to blogger, I’m thinking of not even posting it. I think I just needed to get my thoughts out. Oh well.

Spilled her coffee broke her shoelace...smeared the lipstick on her face...slammed the door and said I'm sorry I...

had a bad day again. Friday, that is. It started out a little off. I woke up an hour late, my alarm didn't go off. No biggie, still got to work on time. Had a million copies to make. Stupid contract time. 1200 contracts, 2 copies per contract...ok that's 2400 copies. 1200 schedule copies...1200 copies of some stupid memorandum on the back of the schedule...1200 copies of a letter, 1200 copies of some other stupid sheet. Not to mention the copies I had to redo because the folding machine screwed up a bunch at first, and the lady didn't know what she was doing. I made all the copies. ALL the copies. I'm not stupid. I know A to Z. They were all there. 4 different people folding. 3 different people stuffing, including me after I spent 3/4 of the day copying. One of the payroll girls comes out of their office bitching and muttering something like "stupid people always screw everything up..." I joked with her and said "gosh I hope it's not something I did!" She says "well, actually, I'm missing the whole last half of the alphabet on these contracts." No way. I told her they were all there, that I checked. She says well they aren't now. She was talking about me, right there in front of my face...I was the one she thought screwed it up. Stupid bitch. I'm getting sick of these women all of a sudden. Sick of them backstabbing, sick of how they don't like AP B and H, for WHAT reason I can't figure out, because the reasons they give seem so silly to me. I'm sick of them making fun of people that come into our office for help, or talking bad about them, or people that call on the phone. I'm sick of them not wanting to do their jobs, and not helping people that come in for help! My new job, the one that was so great, has a flaw after all. I'm thinking it's probably best if I do apply for the AP job, that way I won't be doing all their busy work for them that they don't want to do. I can sit in my office, do my work, be nice to everyone but not have to hear all the gossip...and H will be my boss, so that'll be cool. Not to say I'll for sure get the job, I might not. We'll have to see. But I tell you what, either way, I'm NOT going to feel bad about leaving after the other baby is born! It's no wonder our office has such a bad rep! Seriously, I work with a bunch of stuck up you know what's!! So sad...why are some women so catty like that?? Anyway, while stuffing contracts I came across an envelope of an old teacher that I thought was long gone...apparently not, she's retiring this year. I emailed her, and she emailed back and said if I could get off early her retirement reception is at 4:00 at my old highschool. So I got all my contracts stuffed and left an hour early from work, rushed over to pick up Hailey...and I got her in the car, and she starts CRYING. And crying, and crying. Not like throwing her "I don't want to get in the car!" or "I don't want to leave the sitters'!" fit...but like something was wrong. She cried all the way to the school. I get there, nobody's in the parking lot. All of a sudden I felt like it just didn't seem right. I went in anyway. The cop at her little station said very pissily "Can I help you with something??" More like she was saying "what the hell do you think you're doing in here??" I told her I was here for Mrs. S's retirement reception. She said "There isn't any reception going on." More like "ok now leave." I told her that Mrs. S had emailed me and said it was going on there at 4:00. She was getting very irritated with me. I asked her if the office staff would know. She said "They might, but you can't get in there." I told her that I work at the Business Office. She said "What, here??" I told her no, for the whole system. What happened next? She glances down quickly and sees my wedding ring. What the hell does she think, I'm some teen that got knocked up or something? What the frick? Security guy comes out of the office...security guy that I've met at my job...and he DOESN'T RECOGNIZE ME. Cop lady asks him about the reception. He's very rude as well. He doesn't know about any reception. He asks SD (who I sent crap too inner-office mail ALL.THE.TIME) and she's pissy as well! No reception. Talk about pissed. They they kind of walked on either side of me towards the door. Did I look like a freaking criminal? Seriously that school has gone WAY downhill since I graduated...doing all these upgrades, fancy shmancy shit and upping security (that apparently treats students and visitors like complete SHIT)...I got to my car and Hailey's crying again. I re-read the email I printed off. Yea it sounds like she meant that day. I started bawling. I hate it when people treat me like that. I get it a lot. I look really young, I know that. People don't treat teens very well. Esp. ones that have kids. You should have seen the looks and heard the treatment I got while I was pregnant, esp. before we were engaged so I didn't have a ring...esp. when I'd be out shopping with my mom. Women would literally give me horrible disgusted looks. I'm so tired of this crap. What on earth about me makes people think they can treat me like shit?? Why on earth do I deserve that?? Hailey won't stop crying. We're supposed to go to a family friend's house. I get halfway there, my gas light's been on all day, so I stop at the gas station. I thought surely if I got her out and held her, or got her a slushy she'd be fine. I held her outside, in the front seat, in the back seat, got her a slushy and a fruit punch, she didn't want either, she was still crying hysterically. I had to get gas, so I strapped her back in her car seat, her still crying, myself silently crying. I got some gas, while she's freaking out in the back seat. A stupid bitch on a cell phone drives right behind me while I'm trying to back out and honks at me really loud. I cried more. Finally, as I'm back on the country road, Hailey falls asleep. I called the family friend to tell her we're not coming. My phone died. I got home, tried to put Hailey in her crib and she woke up hysterical again. This went on for hours. My heart was breaking, something was obviously wrong but I couldn't figure it out. She didn't have a fever, I checked her all over for bites or cuts, I took her pony tail out, checked her private parts, checked her gums for new teeth, she wasn't pulling at her ears...I gave her Tylenol, that didn't help. Finally I came to the conclusion she must have a tummy ache because she was refusing all liquids which she never does. Esp. if it comes in a bright shiny package w/ a straw. I called my mom and cried to her. I needed help. She came over, Hailey clung to me, thrashing around on my lap. Finally she fell asleep on my chest, after about 3 1/2 hrs. of crying. I fell asleep...I was drained after the day I'd had. My mom let us sleep. I woke up about 30 minutes later and tried to lay Hailey on the floor on her blanket and pillow. She tossed and turned. I thought to myself OH no, she's going to wake up and start crying again...but she turned over and smiled at me. And then she got up on all fours, pointed at the cat and growled. My Hailey was back. Just like that. She was fine. She ate a tiny bit of soup, drank some water. She played. Went to bed again and hour and a half later and slept all night til 7:30 this morning when I woke up to her yelling "Mine! Mine!" She hasn't eating as much as usual today, compared to what she usually eats...a lot less...but she's doing ok. Drinking like normal, pooping and peeing, fighting her naps for me. She was in bed by about 9:30 tonight. I have no idea what happened. She has never EVER cried like that before. It broke my heart. I prayed to God to make whatever was hurting her feel better. I prayed she would be able to fall asleep so she didn't have to hurt anymore. I hope that never happens again.

So there was my shitty shitty Friday. Nice huh? Well at least I don't feel bad about leaving work anymore, so that whole dilemma is gone. No more feeling guilty over that. And I don't hate my job, or dread going in Monday, don't get me wrong. But I am finally realizing it's not quite the dream job I'd hoped. At least I know I only have another year and a half or so until I can leave there and stay home with my kiddos.

Hubby has been amazing lately. (speaking of hubby, I used to hate that word before I was married...it really irked me when people used it...hubby...blech...and now that I'm married, well, he's my hubby...) Anyway, he's continued to help around the house, continued to be very loving and supportive...the one highlight of my day Friday was that he met me for lunch and we had so much fun. Today he slept in til 11:00, and about 12:30 we started cleaning the house. My mom picked Hailey up at about 2:00 or so and took her to look at toys at Walmart. We rearranged the whole living room and threw so much crap away, vacuumed under everything, got rid of a lot of clutter...I cleaned the whole bathroom, even washing the rugs and shower curtain. It feels amazing. And hubby didn't bitch a single time! Not even when his parents came by to watch Hailey and we went to Walmart...and he HATES shopping...so today has been much better. Time with Hailey, my house a bit more clean/organized, an amazing wonderfully helpful loving husband, and I get to sleep in tomorrow!

Hailey's been waking up wet in the mornings...I think she'd sleep longer maybe if her diaper didn't leak. We've been putting her in the cheapo Target brand, just because they're cheap. Yea they're not as good as White Cloud. Walmart was out of those last time though. I bought another box today, but I also bought a package of Huggies Supreve Natural Fit to use on her at night. OH MY GOSH. Have you all used these? I am a Huggies Hater. My SIL was SO pro huggies with my nephew...she even bought the Huggies baby washes and everything...I was determined to do things differently...I was a Pampers user. Swaddlers all the way. Then Cruisers. Then we got poor, so I started using White Cloud which we really like. But seriously, have you used these Huggies Supreme?? Oh my...I pulled one out of the pack tonight and opened it up and it was like freaking underwear. Cutouts to fit the legs so the diaper doesn't bunch up between the legs and sag down almost to the knees...and stretchiness, oh my gosh the stretchiness! And soft! I am shocked. I thoroughly enjoyed putting this diaper on my daughter. And I felt good as I was rocking her to sleep, knowing she was in her soft comfy britches. If these hold her pee(which I've been told they should, that's why I bought them, at the recommendation of a friend who has tried EVERYTHING on her son to keep him from leaking at night...even maxi pads in his diaper!) I may have just been converted to a Huggies user. **GASP** But how can I afford it? I may have to find a way...my daughter deserves luxury britches.

http://www.huggieshappybaby.com/products/index.aspx?diapers

Good gosh it's already 10:30...