Tuesday, January 27, 2009


Well I'm giving D the option of marriage counseling. He's always said no to it in the past, so I can't see why now would be any different. But I'm so so tired of dealing with this. It's affecting me physically. I'm so stressed I'm getting sick every day now. I've tried not letting it bother me, but the past couple days have been bad. I just can't ignore the fact that it's still not working.

We have no money, and he knows this. Yet he continues to eat out every day for lunch, even though he just bought a nice new cooler to take his lunches in...he's too lazy to make his lunch before he goes to bed and won't get up early enough to make it in the mornings. So we're going to overdraw our account, because he's lazy. Which is nothing new. I've dealt with this every single semester he's been in school. So now he comes home last night and tells me we need to save up $375 for this golf trip to CA which the school can't pay all of the expenses for...I calmly told him to call his dad and ask him for the money because we haven't even paid our property taxes yet. He then proceeded to tell me that he sold a book that day for $45 so he's putting that towards the golf trip. Because I didn't want to fight, I didn't bring up the fact that he KNOWS we're going to overdraw our account, so shouldn't he give me the money for bills and whatnot...I just left it at that. But then today he calls and yells at me that he NEEDS knew windshield wipers. He can't see at all. I couldn't on the way to work this morning either...but he had to PULL OVER for Christ sakes! I told him to get wipers then. But I thought about it, and called him back, and told him to use the 45$ from his book sale for his wipers. And what does he say? "NO! That's for the trip!" Ok, so we're going to overdraw our account for some wipers and pay OD fees. How the hell does that make any sense!??!

Is this normal??? I really need to know...does everyone have to deal with crap like this, or is my husband really the huge idiot I think he is!??! I don't have money to buy groceries, but thank GOD he's got 45$ sitting in his wallet to put towards his golf trip...

Am I over reacting here? I'm starting to feel more and more inclined to get things set up for divorce...getting my credit cards paid off (if he'd ever quit blowing what little extra money we have), putting some money in savings to help with the bills when he's gone...because we all know there's no way in hell I'm getting child support from his sorry ass. How could I, without him having a steady job. Because I'm SO not counting on this whole stupid caddy position in Florida to really happen...and he wouldn't be making squat doing it anyway.

:( Today sucks...

Thursday, January 22, 2009

It's been a while...

So...I don't really know where to begin. Things have been sort of crazy...like always I guess. And I haven't felt like writing for some reason. So, if anybody still reads this...here goes. I think I'll just use bullets.

~I'll start off with something that's really silly but that makes me happy...I figured out if I wash my hair at night, sleep on it all night, then put this special gel/cream on it in the morning, I can wear my hair curly with little to no frizz. It's awesome.

~I've gained about 15 lbs over the last 2 months, Lord knows why...and I feel disgusting and lumpy and my clothes are too tight. So I'm back to drinking only diet soda and *trying* not to snack all day or eat a snack before bed (perfect timing, seeing as how my mom just gave me a HUGE box of baklava, which I LOVE...SIGH)

~They threatened me at work finally. Told me if I was late one more day by even a minute they were firing me. I also was instructed to cut down on the dr. appointments (why I haven't been back to the neurologist to sort out my problems) and up my output at work. I've since gotten caught up at work (was behind from being gone almost a whole week sick) and I get here on time or early most days, but now my boss is acting weird towards me and I don't know if I'm just being paranoid or if I have a REASON to be paranoid.

~I finally had to sit down and just tell D that things aren't working. I explained to him that I just don't think he's capable of the kind of love and support that I need, and that it's not fair to both of us to stay together when the relationship just isn't going well. I basically told him I don't think it would be a bad idea for him to move to FL where his new job is going to be. (I'm not moving...) Maybe take a year to find himself, grow up a bit, then come back and see where we stand. I also told him if he does want to stay together we've both got to work at this REALLY hard because things HAVE to change. No more of the whole things are fine for a week or two and then he's back to normal, calling me names, treating me like crap. I FINALLY got to him, he FINALLY really understood what I was saying and it really affected him. Or so I thought. After about two weeks, like usual, we're back to fighting, him being worthless as a husband. So I don't know what to do. I can't afford to live without him. Without a steady job I would never get child support. I really do love him, but sometimes I hate him with a passion at the same time. He finally agreed that we'd always be friends if we do break up, which is something he used to adamantly refuse to...unless I cheat on him, of course. I'm really torn up about the whole thing, about not knowing what to do. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but it's really hard.

~My dad's in jail. I'm so upset about this. He's already talking about not being able to make it. He gets so down, and I know EXACTLY how he feels and how his brain works, because I'm the same way. I'm praying to God everyday to give him the strength to hold on and get through it. I hate it that when he's finally turned his life around and become such a good person, that he has to go to jail for something that happened almost a year ago. (I posted about it on here...)

~My friends have really rallied around me and I thank God every single day for them. My old friends and my newer ones. A group of us came together for no other reason than we all have kids (or were wanting them and trying to get pregnant) and we live in the same town...we're all from different walks of life, different professions, different interests, everything, but we've gotten very close and genuinely care about each other, despite our differences. I don't know what I did to deserve being included, but they did include me, and I am so so thankful! The fact that these are new people, that haven't known me for years and years, that actually like me and want to spend time with me, makes me feel awesome. They don't judge me for my quirks at all...actually they seem to like me for my uniqueness! If it wasn't for my awesome friends and family, I honestly don't know how I would have gotten this far through the mess that is my life lately.

~I'm still having problems being way tired all the time, waking up all the time at night, falling to sleep in less than a minute, hurting off and on, not remembering things...but I'm trying to work through it. If I'm tired, I try to rest. When I'm feeling good, I try to get out and have fun instead of doing housework non stop. I'm trying to make free time and spend it with family and friends that make me happy...even if it means leaving Dan home alone to be bored out of his mind once in a while. People remind me of things I've forgotten, which is super helpful.

~Going along with the last thing about sleep, is another HUGE development. Hailey is now sleeping in her own bed (she's been in our bed for months now) AND for the first time in her life she is putting herself to sleep at night. Which helps me GREATLY. No more laying in there for hours waiting for her to fall asleep. We read a book, say our goodnight saying, kisses, nightlight on, classical lullaby CD on, and I leave the room. She still gets up a couple times most nights, but she goes back to bed without a huge fight and usually falls to sleep within 30 minutes of me first putting her to bed. Last night she didn't get up at ALL!! Now I can put her to bed and go get in bed myself, or go finish a chore, or have time to get on the internet for a little bit...it's wonderful!! I really wish I'd done it sooner. If I ever have another baby, I will for sure try to train them to go to sleep on their own at MUCH sooner an age than I did with Hailey. I do miss snuggling with her at night and falling asleep with her little arm wrapped securely around my side...but it's so much healthier for all of us this way.

~I read all the Twilight books and have seen the movie four times. When it first came out I made D go with me because nobody else was free. The 2nd time I took my sister in law. The 3rd time I took my cousin. And the 4th time I took my mom. My mom shares my love of Twilight, which I think is totally awesome. I have also fallen in love with Rob Pattinson (not because he was Edward in the movie, just because he's him...) and I want an Edward for myself LOL I found a site on Etsy that actually sells scented lotions that are scented like the characters in the book are described as smelling. I absolutely LOVE the Edward lotion. It's become a joke with my family and friends now...my mom called me last night and asked me what I was doing and I told her I was rubbing some Edward all over my butt (my skin's been SO DRY lately!!) HAHA well we think it's funny anyway... In case anybody is interested, the shop is Essence of Twilight.

~I've gotten started back up making things to sell on Etsy...I'm doing more Valentine's Day stuff right now, but will soon be into more general things again. :)
Well I'm still clumsy as ever...I just spilled diet coke all over my desk...maybe that's a sign I need to get back to work ;) Hope everyone is doing well. I'll try to post again soon.