We shall see how it turns out. I'm hoping and praying to God things get better from here on out.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
I got to work late and missed most of a morning meeting because of all this. The snotty women I work with have been rude to me all day. Like completely acting like I'm not even standing there when I'm asking them questions, among other things. Nice. Talk about holding back tears.
I'm going to try to be MIA for a while which shouldn't be hard since I haven't had any free time at all lately anyway. Nobody gives a crap about my woe is me bull and the blog seems to be where I vent all my not so wonderful thoughts. It doesn't get many of the good things going on in my life because I don't have time to blog much so I tend to only do it when I really need to vent or when I'm really upset. I don't know why I feel like I need to write my thoughts down though. Like why am I writing this right now, I don't even know? It's like I'm just thinking out loud, which maybe I shouldn't do... I love reading everybody else's blogs when I have the time, but my life doesn't even compare. Nobody wants to read about one bad thing after another happening, hardly any happy moments, and me bitching about whatever. I'm sorry I've really tried to be okay with everything but it's just hard when the world is continuously shitting on me. I've TRIED to prevent stuff from happening, I've TRIED to work things out with my husband, I've TRIED to make work better, but it's just getting worse and worse. Nothing's working out. My marriage is in shambles, my family is in shambles, work is going badly at the moment...I feel like I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. I mean there are a few good things going on (like my mom being sought out for an awesome job and them giving her an offer she'd have to be an idiot to refuse--or looking forward to moving) but it's hard to focus on the good when I feel so overwhelmed by the bad. Especially when one of the bad things is my marriage pretty much being over and me being incredibly jealous of every woman that has a loving husband who actually spends time with his family. I take it one day at a time, that's the only way I'm able to get by. I feel like things are very fragile right now and could come crashing down at any moment. And I'm just not sure how to fix everything. I keep praying to God for answers but nothing's getting any better. I'm so incredibly confused about everything. I just don't know what to do. I just feel so hurt and so...lost.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Also For the first time ever I really got to talk to his grandma, just her and I. They are the sweetest people, I just love them to pieces--they're much older than my grandma (my dad's mom, the crazy one), they seem more like grandparents to me, in their 80's. But for the first time I really got to talk to her about something other than Hailey or just casual chit chat things like work or whatever. As we sat in the living room at my inlaw's house alone she gently asked me "D's not around much is he?" I told her no, he's not. She said "That has to be hard." I told her honestly yea, it is. She said "He's missing out on so much." I didn't say much but I told her that yes, he is, and that it's really sad. Especially when things happen like that morning Hailey asking D to go with us to his parents' house. He told her no, that he had to go play golf. She was sort of bummed but just wandered off and played. His grandma said "Hopefully after he graduates and gets a real job he'll...grow up." I told her it's been 9 years and I haven't been able to get him to "grow up" yet...but that hopefully once he gets out of school he'll mature a little. I could tell she genuinely felt sorry for us. Nobody in his family has EVER acknowledged the fact that D leaves us at home alone a lot to go off and do his "fun" things. Everybody acts like what he does is completely normal. It just made me feel really good that she for 1. felt close enough to me to say something to me about it and 2. she was empathizing with me as a woman even though my husband is her beloved grandson. We talked a little about things for Hailey to do this summer too and I told her I feel like I've lost my imagination...I used to be so creative as a kid but now I can't think for the life of me of anything neat for her to do. But if somebody shows me an idea, even something really incredibly simple, I'm like why couldn't I have thought of that??? I told her I work and go home and clean and go to bed and then do the same thing the next day and the next and I just feel like I'm so blah these days. She said she understood. Later on the whole family was sitting around the living room and I plopped Hailey down in my nephew's infant seat and commented on how I can't believe my nephew is still in his since he's 9 months old and weighs almost as much as Hailey does. I told them how we had to use some of the wedding money to buy Hailey a convertible seat before she was even 4 months old because she would pull her head forward and sort of sit up in her infant seat. She hated laying back like that. I made the comment "Oh well, at least we'll have the infant seat for the next baby I guess...whenever that is..." and his grandma leaned over to me and whispered in my ear "Well it's kind of hard to have another one if D's never around!" I wanted to laugh but at the same time I was shocked that she was saying this to me because not only am I her grandson's wife, but also their family is very hush hush about that sort of thing. They're hush hush about everything. I laughed a little and said something like "Exactly! At least you understand!" and she said "Oh I do" and smiled. It made me feel good that we had shared a private little joke like that and that she felt close enough to me to joke with me like that. That day really made me realize that as much as my mother in law drives me nuts sometimes, I do love his family. I'm so comfortable around them and I just genuinely like them and I can't picture my life without them in it. I can't picture divorcing my husband because I could never divorce his family, which unfortunately would have to happen if we did split up. So I was kind of pulled out of my funk. I'm feeling more optimistic about everything. I'm feeling more loved. And despite the fact that my husband left town yet again yesterday to go clean up the cabin at the Lake for their friend's bachelor party in a couple weeks, I still feel loved because he came home and told me he misses me. Which he just doesn't do. What we have right now is hard, but for the most part it works. I just get in these little funks sometimes, for whatever reason. I get all woe is me and down on myself. But instead of people ignoring me or acting like nothing's wrong (of course it's hard to be around somebody when they're not in the greatest mood, I understand that) it really REALLY helps to have somebody just extend a loving hand and basically say "I acknowledge what you're going through, and I do care..." I wish I could tell his grandparents and his grandma in particular, how much what they did this weekend meant to me. Just being there for me and Hailey out of pure love and nothing else...no hidden agendas, nothing of that sort. I don't have a whole lot of people in my life who are there for me like that. Hopefully I can remember this weekend the next time I slip into a funk...I know it'll happen, it's just a fact...and maybe next time it won't take me so long to pull out of it. Everything's less stressful all of a sudden...money, moving, D's crazy schedule, everything we've got going on. It's all more manageable.
It also helps to have my daughter climb on top of me while she's watching Diego, as I'm trying to nap, and tell me in the most loving voice ever "Mommy, you're my elephant" and then give me a big ol' hug.
And the way she's started calling me "Mama" instead of "Mommy" just makes my heart melt...
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Shark Tale is no longer in our library of movies that Hailey is allowed to watch. Apparently it was scaring the crap out of her, unbeknown to us. Last night while sitting at the dinner table she started frantically trying to pull up her legs and just freaking out. I asked her what was wrong. Last time it was a monster under the table (my big fluffy fat cat actually)...not this time...this time, she said "Sharks going to get my feet!!!" I was quite shocked. I explained that sharks live in the Ocean water and cannot get her. That nothing in that house is going to get her. It's just me, her and the cat. Later she heard a noisy truck coming down the road and freaked out again yelling that the shark was coming to get her. Again, I told her my explanation. Last night before I turned off her light I said "Hailey PLEASE sleep all night tonight. Mommy and Hailey really need some good sleep. If you wake up tonight, please turn over and go back to sleep." I don't know what it was that did it, but she slept all night.
Hailey and I screamed at each other last night. I was so tired, she was so frustrated. Didn't say anything, just looked at each other and screamed. I told her we need to be nice to each other. This morning she was mad that I wouldn't let her take her new puppy toy to school. She screamed at me. I was surprised, we'd been having a great morning. I explained to her calmly that we can't take the puppy because the other kids will break it. She walked over, took my face gently in her hands and said "Mommy I need to be nice."
Nice to know we're both working on our anger issues! :) She's so entertaining. That's for sure.
The other night we were going on a walk and she said "Mommy I need to go home because I am too cold and it's getting too dark." How do they learn that sort of thing? I mean it's not like I sat down and explained the words "because" and "too" to her. I wouldn't have the first clue how to. It's amazing to me how a kid just learns to speak without much explanation. Wish it was that easy for adults to just pick up a language, how cool would that be? Something funny though...Hailey says "my" for "me" a lot of the time. Like "Mommy, pick my up!" And when she's telling me to roll her window down a lot of time she gets confused. I'll roll it down but not enough, so she tells me "No roll it up FAR!" so I roll it back up and she gets so pissed...so I roll it way down and she's fine. I always correct her but she still gets confused.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
I don't know if I mentioned it, and I'm too busy/tired/lazy to go back and look...our friend A forgot and let Hailey watch Monsters Inc. last Monday when he was watching her for us while our sitter was on maternity leave. I prayed and prayed that it wouldn't have the same affect on her as it did all those months ago, but my prayers were not answered and she has not only been waking up every single night since then, she's also been scared of monsters during the day. Even if we're sitting at the dinner table...the other night she started shaking and wanting down out of her seat really bad during dinner and when I asked her what was wrong she said a monster was coming to get her. It was the cat under the table. One day I caught her looking behind the couch. She whispered that she was looking for monsters. I am SO SO SO tired. I feel like I have a baby at home that doesn't sleep through the night yet. When she wakes up varies but it's always between 12:30 and 3:30. I'm always in her room for at least an hour in a half, usually a lot longer. One night she woke up at 12:30 and I didn't get to leave her room til my alarm went off at 5:50. I am to the point where I'm having trouble just functioning and getting through the day.
And now add to all that the fact that my husband is now home from his week-long trip to Florida which means I'm not sleeping well anyway.
My night last night went like this...
~FINALLY fell asleep about 12:30...it's the weirdest thing, I'm so exhausted and then I go to lay down and my mind just races and I can't get to sleep. I've had issues with this all my life but since I've had Hailey it's pretty much stopped, it just comes and goes once in a while. Lovely that it's back right now when she's having sleep issues as well. Makes things that much worse.
~Tossed and turned and woke up a bunch because my husband was snoring or breathing in my face or had stolen the covers or I was hot...
~Hailey woke up crying for me at 3:00. I went pee and told her to climb back into bed. I half sat half layed at the end of her bed til about an hour later I fell asleep. An hour after that at 5:00 I woke up, my neck KILLING me and went to go lay back in my own soft comfy bed, only to find a room sucked of all the oxygen and a husband lying in bed snoring so loudly I could hear him across the house. Bye comfy bed, hello hard cold couch. I slept on the couch for another 50 minutes, my alarm going off every 10 minutes. Then I got up to face yet another day in a fog.
Some nights have been way worse than this, where I just start falling asleep and drooling on my pillow at 12:20 and she wakes up at 12:30 and I'm stuck in her room until my alarm goes off at 5:50 (last week...now my alarm goes off at 5:15 since I have to get her to the sitters again).
God please, if you're listening...PLEASE let us get a good, full-night's sleep tonight. I don't think I can go on much longer without it. I mean it's only Tuesday...I have the rest of the week to get through.
Monday, May 12, 2008
I vacuumed my house yesterday with the old vacuum. It started making a scary noise. I went out and bought a new vacuum. I went home and vacuumed my house again (because I am a freak about having a clean floor) and OH.MY.GOD. Either my old vacuum was really shitty or my new vacuum totally rocks (or maybe both) because the canister was FULL of dust and cat hair and whatnot. After I'd just vacuumed with Old Vacuum.
Maybe my thanks to good old George (gag!) is a bit premature. I actually haven't gotten my stimulus money yet. Supposed to get it this week. I'm holding out high hopes but I will honestly not be surprised if it doesn't show up in my account by Friday. So I guess I should really be thanking Capital One for allowing me to borrow their money to purchase my new totally awesome vacuum.
Oh and yea I got home and my mom looked at Old Vacuum to see if she could fix it so she could have it since her boyfriend still has hers...and there was a little piece of paper stuck up in there. After it was removed it didn't make that God awful noise anymore. I could have SWORE the motor was shot by the horrible screeching sound it was making! Oh well. New Vacuum has a hand held rotary tool so I'll be able to vacuum the stairs at our new place after we move. Old Vacuum didn't have that. And I've actually been really worried about how I was going to vacuum the stairs. Seriously bugs me when I go to someone's house and there's fuzz and cat hair and whatnot in the stair crevices. So see...I needed a new vacuum anyway. Plus, did I mention how clean and fluffy my carpet looks now??? Amazing the dirt that came out of that thing. EW.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Stepping on ants...
Good job! This would be my little sis...
Poser...(yea I'm a loser HAHA)
I have no idea where these bolts came from?? Hopefully they weren't important??
This is just from cleaning my dash and inside the front doors...grody...
We found this on my ceiling...I believe it is very very old petrified DQ shake...
Wondering what the heck the white stuff on my ceiling is...
Taking a drive...in the garage...with the car off :) She thought she was pretty darn cool...
Hailey and Nana...
Also a couple pictures from Hailey's birthday on April 14th...
(Speaking of the hell hole, guess what I found out yesterday! ANOTHER one of my coworkers was shoved out the door! They made her so miserable after I left and finally Friday they pushed her to tears--and she is a very professional woman--so she just left! And my position is still open as well!! HAHA!! Serves them right...)
After I was done with my work I asked Hailey if she wanted pizza or salad for lunch. She said "ME WANT SALAD!!!" She's like the salad monster LOL So I took her to Ruby Tuesday's which is just a block down the road from where I work. I asked for a booth next to the salad bar. We got a nice corner booth. Having lunch just the two of us was so nice. We sat next to each other, she cuddled me a bit, and she even let me get up and get her salad myself without demanding to go with me and "help" me. She did say pretty loudly while I was at the salad bar "Get me some grapes! I WANT GRAPES! MOMMY, GRAPES!!" but when I put her plate of food in front of her she sat quietly and ate while I went to get my food--well she did yell once "Mommy, you getting grapes too???" LOL but other than that she was great. She ate almost all her food! She had her usual eggs, ham, peas, carrots, lettuce and cheese w/ a little bit of ranch dressing and she ate two helpings of grapes! It made me feel really good that she ate so well because this week has not been a good eating week for her w/ A watching her. She hasn't really wanted to eat much and she'd have stuff like poptarts and whatnot when I wasn't there. After we'd had enough to eat we went to Toys R Us which is right across the road! I was totally making up for her birthday that didn't go as I'd planned. I've felt bad for that ever since that day. So we went and walked around Toys R Us...she pulled one of those ball popper things everywhere calling it her lawn mower or her vacuum. I found some neat toys for her for her birthday--a flat screen Light Brite that was only $9.99 and she picked out a huge 120 piece set of fake food that is really really neat that was only $15.99. She won't even remember it by the time she opens it at her big family birthday party on the 24th! I also found out they carry the line of Loving Family doll house toys there! I was shocked! I assumed they didn't since they don't online. I got her the office set and the parents' bedroom set. My mother in law will pay me back for those and give them to her for her bday. I also bought Hailey THIS little puppy.
She LOOOVES it. The first one we bought didn't bark so after her nap we had to take it back. She told the guy at the customer service desk "It don't work, gotta get a new one" and she took off to find her a new puppy. We took it out to make sure it worked before we left the store and she was happy as pie when it did. She carried the puppy across the parking lot saying "Gotta carry it so it won't get runned over by cars." She even slept with the puppy last night (minus the pink cord which I just untied and took off for the night). We went home and she took a nap while I did a couple blog posts on the family blog FINALLY. All in all it was a great afternoon! Totally made up for her birthday afternoon I think!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
I am in love with pearls. I don't know if I've ever shared that fact or not. In doing my daily clicking on the breast cancer etc. sites I saw this offer. It was under the child healthcare section. I couldn't pass it up. My purchase helped fund healthcare for 22.5 children. And I only had to pay $22.95 including shipping. I got a pair in each color for myself and a pink pair for my mom and for my mother in law for their Mother's Day presents. I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for a good cause. At $4 a piece to help 4.5 children each...it was totally worth it.
I'm done letting all the drama affect me. I did so good there for a while at staying away from it all. When did I start letting it creep back into my life? Not anymore. I'm simplifying my life and concentrating on making each day count. Time for a total remodel.
I think I will start getting things packed up to prepare for our move in July. It's going to be a new start for us. Things are going to be different from here on out. Somewhere along the line I quit really living and basically just started surviving. Not anymore. Life's too short and too precious!
Thanks Jaime...and Dream Mom.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Also I'd like to know everybody's opinion, do you think making your own bread is really cheaper than buying say a loaf of Sara Lee at Walmart for a little over $2?
We're really trying to trim costs in the grocery area. Any tips would be great!! Thanks!!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
So, switching gears again...on a more positive note, when I went home for lunch today I noticed that the cleaning fairy had been to my house this morning...not only did he unload/reload/run the dishwasher, but my microwave was also cleaned out and apparently both the kitchen and bathroom trashcans were emptied. I think somebody felt bad about last night :)
And I'll end this with another cute Hailey story...D was with her this morning until about 11:30. She was NOT happy when he was the one to get her up this morning. She cried begged for me and threw huge fits and even hit him for about 30 minutes. He tried time out, being sweet to her, everything and nothing worked. Finally she resorted to laying on the floor, depressed, refusing to even talk to him. He called me and my first instinct was to rush home and save the day. But luckily he was able to get her to talk to me on the phone. I asked her if she wanted a bagel and she brightened up right away. I told her to tell Daddy to go get her a bagel. She said "Daddy, go to the kitchen and get me a gagel." Then I told her to have fun with Daddy and show him her toys and play Wintendo (the Wii) with him. I told her I loved her so much and she said "I love you too" and then she was fine, back to her normal happy self. Thank God she's reached the age that I can talk to her over the phone and help when I can't actually be there in person. And who knew bagels were so uplifting to the spirits! LOL
D called me back about 5 minutes later and said "Do I have to do anything to this to get it ready to eat?" I might note that these are those new Bagelfulls from Kraft...Hailey loves them. Only way I can get her to eat the bagel and not just lick the cream cheese off the top! So I told him no, he just needed to peel the plastic down halfway and give it to her to eat, just like a candy bar. I told him NOT to take the plastic off because she would throw a huge fit and refuse to eat it. I also told him to give her a strawberry cream cheese one because the original ones are mine and I doubt she'd like it and then she wouldn't want a strawberry one if he offered that to her afterwards. He was so confused. "What do you mean strawberry or original, there isn't any cream cheese on this thing!" I told him to just look at the package and it says right on there. He said "I'm looking at these multigrain bagels on the counter!" OH JEEZ. I said "Honey, those aren't bagels, those are english muffins! The bagels are in the fridge in the box!" He said "No wonder when I showed her the package and asked her if she was sure she wanted a bagel she said 'Daddy that's not a gagel, that's bread!'" I could hear her in the background screaming "Somebody's outside mowing! Mowing the grass!" She was so excited, she loves to watch the mowers. I'm just glad he's trying to get things right and calling me for help. Really makes me feel better. Course when I showed up today at lunch she was running around in her blue puppy pjs, hair not combed, eating a pop tart with her pink fake crocs on. LOL Men...
Thanks Jaime I really appreciate your kind words of comfort!! It does get hard for me to balance it all...I guess I've sort of given up on my life as a "lost cause" because of all the crap I've been through and I'm putting all my energy on protecting Hailey and making sure she doesn't see or experience any of the crap I had to go through. That sounds bad, I don't mean my life is worthless, it's not that, I mean I'm not depressed or anything--I'm a really happy person I just go from one emotion to the next all the time because of all the crap that goes on in my life! I just mean anything I do to better our lives I do because of Hailey, not myself. I'm getting better and better about not caring how I feel myself, only caring how Hailey feels. I used to be a really confrontational person who always had to have a conflict resolved and felt that how I felt was really important, but I'm getting more and more to the point where I would rather just walk away so another fight or issue doesn't come up...I guess it's all really complicated. I want to be happy in my relationship and my life but I sort of feel like as long as Hailey's happy and perceives that we are too, that's all that matters. But isn't that sort of lying? I think because of all the crap that has happened I'm sort of starting to go to the opposite extreme, instead of letting it all hang out and not caring about my kid like my dad's side of the family I'm sort of doing everything I can to protect Hailey even if it means being chipper when I'm crying inside. Is that just what all adults do for their kids? Is that part of being a parent? My mom, even though she was a wonderful mother and did the very best that she could as a single mother struggling to get by, wasn't so good at that. I always knew when she was stressed and what she was stressed about, and I always said I wasn't going to be that way. My burdens are mine, not my kids. I mean no kid should have to worry about having money to keep the electricity on or buy food (still to this day I worry about my mother like she's my child...her safety, her financial security, all of that). But I have always thought it was horrible when I found out that after their kids were grown and gone, a couple had just been pretending to be so happy for the kids' sakes and really had all these issues that they were dealing with all those years. I guess I've just always dreamt of the perfect life for my kids where everybody got along and was happy and didn't have huge issues to worry about...but nobody's life is perfect. I just wanted my kids to grow up without all the drama I did and end up less screwed up than I am, so I'm constantly wondering if I'm doing the right thing by Hailey or if it'll have adverse effects on her down the road. Is this something all parents do? Do I just do it worse because I'm overly obsessive? Am I just overly analyzing myself and our situation? Maybe I need to quit thinking so much and just...live.
The downside of all this is we need major storage supplies, like bins and shelving units for the garage and whatnot. It'll take some time to put everything in order, and we're probably going to have to purchase a lawnmower too since the lawn care at this place is up to us. I hate saying it, since we're really trying to pay off all our debt and live off what we make (Joanna is trying to do the same thing and her posts really inspire me to keep going with our journey!), but we might have to break out the good ol' Home Depot credit card for some things we need. Like the mower, and some sort of window covering that Hailey can't strangle herself in. The windows in our new place are much lower to the ground--like within Hailey's reach. Any ideas on that would be GREATLY appreciated. I want something that will allow her to still see out her window (why the contact paper that Kayce used wouldn't work for us), will block out some light when closed (we do have purple curtains in her room too now covering her blinds but they don't block out enough light on their own) but is something that isn't such a strangulation hazard like normal blinds. I thought maybe just a second set of curtains? But I like how with blinds you can have them open a little towards the floor or ceiling, angled so it lets in light but people can't see in your house...I would lose that w/ just curtains.
Luckily we've had a lot of offers to help us move. It's sort of a bummer that it's over the 4th of July weekend though and add in there the fact that D's cousin is getting married the 5th...well, it's going to be sort of chaotic to say the least. Exciting, but chaotic!
Opinions: The cranberry tea at Sonic is yummy. The blackberry tea is OK...but I wouldn't get it again.
Our sitter had her baby last Thursday which means this week Hailey's at home with our friend A and his baby boy L. She did really good yesterday, I was very pleasantly surprised. She didn't even care when I left for work OR when I went back to work after lunch. She wouldn't take a nap for him though. He said she was too antsy and just wouldn't quit walking around everywhere. She's growing up more and more every week and there is definitely no trace of "baby" left in her. She's independent, strong-willed, sassy and boy can that girl talk. She's always talked really well but it still amazes me how every single week she learns more and more. We literally have conversations with her. Not just short sentence responses. It's nuts. Last night she found a little glass egg at my mom's house. She said "I found the egg!" I said "Oh you found the eggs?" and she looked at me like I was stupid and said "No, ONE egg. The BLUE egg." Then she showed it to my mom and said "Look Olga, I found the blue egg! There's a baby bird in there." She picks up on stuff SO QUICK. Like you explain something to her once and she just gets it. It takes a million times for something to sink in my brain!! Oh to be 2 again...LOL. Last night we went on a walk and found a blue speckled egg that was half broken open. There was a bloody goo mass inside and I picked up the egg and explained to her that the egg had broken open and that was a dead baby bird inside. I also told her it was a Robin's egg. She thought it was really neat and we put it down and moved on. I never dreamed she'd get it that fast, that baby birds grow inside eggs. She's also been going around lately telling people she has a baby in her tummy. When we left the sitters last Tuesday I explained to her that the baby in her sitter's belly was going to come out Thursday (I told her in 2 days). That night she told my mom excitedly how Heather's baby was in her belly and it was coming out soon. She knows how babies are born, she's seen shows. She knows they come out your "hooha" which is what we call her girly parts LOL and she's actually ok with that. Thanks in part to Milo and Otis and to our sitter and my friend having their babies within a couple days of each other, Hailey fully gets where babies come from now. We went to see the baby Friday after I got off work. She told me we can't take it home. She really did NOT want me taking this baby home. It was so funny. Saturday when we went to see my friend's baby she kept telling me "Put her back in her bed. We NOT taking her home. PUT HER BACK IN HER BED MOMMY!" It's a boy, but hey whatever! LOL She doesn't want a little brother or sister. So it's a good thing we're not wanting to try for another one too awfully soon. It's really cute though, she's been going around telling people she has a baby in her belly. She'll lift up her shirt and point at her little poochy belly and say "There's a baby in my belly. My baby's so cute. He's sleeping in my belly." Too stinking cute.
Yesterday went great. My mom came over for dinner and by the time she left I was exhausted. Hailey asked to watch Spongebob in our bedroom so I put the movie in, got her pjs on and we laid down. Or I laid down anyway...she jumped on the bed, crawled over me, laid down for 1 minute, got up and found some trash on my husband's nightstand, went to throw it away, crawled back up in the bed herself over and over (she's getting taller finally!)...finally on one of her trashcan trips I heard her yell "DADDY!" I thought maybe D could brush her teeth and put her to bed because I was fighting staying awake. Part of the problem with this is he dinks around with it. He keeps saying "Come on Hailey, let's go brush your teeth...come on Hailey, let me change your diaper..." he never just grabs her and does it. He lets her run around and waits hours for her to come to him. Drives me insane. She needed to go to bed. It was after 11:00 (she took a nap after I got home from work since she wouldn't take one for our friend) and she needed to go to bed like SOON. I finally pulled myself out of my drowsiness and lost it. I told her we were done playing games and I grabbed her and changed her diaper and took her into her bedroom. She cried, of course...she didn't want to go to bed! But my husband said I was being so mean and I shouldn't be mean to her blah blah blah. Well I was tired damn it and it was time for her to go to bed. He should have just done it and gotten it over with but no...so it was done my way. And for him to tell me I was being a bitch, when I was so tired and in front of our DAUGHTER no less...I just lost it. I won't tolerate that crap anymore. I told Hailey I'd be back to read her some books and I closed her door and I went into the living room where he was and I told him flat out that I'm sick of his crap and that he needs to grow the fuck up because I want a husband not a teenager and that he WILL NOT call me a bitch especially in front of Hailey. He started to yell and I stopped him and told him Hailey will not hear us yelling at each other because I grew up with that crap from my dad and I don't want her to have to...the name calling and the fighting and yelling. He told me he called me a bitch because I was being one. It really pissed me off even more that he KNEW how tired I am and how easy I am to set off when I'm tired and he KNEW how pissed off I was already and he just kept egging it on. I told him at that moment I hated him and I truly meant it. I was so angry I could have punched him. I never would of course but OMG the anger towards him at that moment was SO STRONG. I would not have cared if he'd left. I was that mad. His response to my I hate you comment? "That's awesome." Which pissed me off even more. The thing about it was that he was TRYING to egg me on. He was TRYING to get me more worked up. WHY!??!?! Why would he do that? Is he THAT immature? Is that was it is? I mean as my husband you'd think he'd try to difuse the situation, tell me honey I'm sorry I got angry, SOMETHING. Not "That's awesome" over and over to every comment I make with a smirk on his face. WHAT.A.JERK. You don't treat somebody you love like that. You treat somebody you hate like that. Or somebody you dislike, or don't care about. Yea the I hate you comment might have been uncalled for and it probably egged him on even more (am I using that word right? Is it egged??) but I MEANT it at that moment. I really do love him but sometimes I truly hate him at the same time. It's like he can only take so much of being nice and polite and mature and caring before he has to be an ass and upset me really bad and ruin everything. Seriously, that's how he is...he's been like that for years. It can never just be good and normal. He always has to fuck it up in the end. Usually at the end of a really good day is when he's at his worst. I admit I was easy to anger last night and I admit I was exhausted so that didn't help anything, but as my husband should he not have realized this and dealt with it? He knows me. He knows what sets me off and what helps me get over crap. He never helps me get over crap but he's always quick to make it worse. That's what of the major flaws in our relationship. Anyway so I finally got so mad I threw my cell phone onto the living room floor. I had to purge my anger somehow. I noted that it hit one of Hailey's toys but I just walked off and went to read her books. She had heard my husband yelling at me! She asked me "Why Daddy yell at you?" That really severely pisses me off and hurts so bad. He is so immature that he lets his feelings get the better of him and he will yell even though she might hear. This doesn't happen very often, but I don't want it to happen at ALL. I just brushed it off and we read books like normal and snuggled and she went to sleep. After I got up from her bed I went and got my cell phone and went straight to bed. This is my new tactic. It doesn't do to keep on with him because no amount of explaining my feelings or why I got so mad does any good. It has never sunk in, in all the 9 years we've been together, so I'm not bothering anymore. I just ignored him and went to bed. I fell right to sleep. Even that angry, I was so incredibly tired. This morning my alarm was going off and I was obviously still exhausted because my husband-nicely-told me it was past time for me to get up. He didn't realize I'm getting up later since I don't have to take Hailey to daycare. I wasn't mad anymore, everything was fine. I got ready for work, the morning was going well, I went to get dressed in the living room and I stepped on something hard and green. I picked it up. It was a piece of Hailey's maraca my stepmom brought her back from Mexico when she was a baby. SHIT. My first thought was "somebody must have stepped on it yesterday!" but then I realized what happened and I felt like TOTAL.COMPLETE.SHIT. My cell phone hit her maraca, not one of her plastic toys. The maracas are made from some sort of dried squash...not strong plastic. I had to throw it away, there was no way I could glue it because it broke around the handle where the handle was sewn on. So I've learned yet another lesson on dealing with my anger. I've learned yelling in pillows isn't good because it obviously scares Hailey...walking away from my husband diffuses the fight quicker and he gets over everything and is just fine (even though the situation is still not resolved in my mind, whatever, that's just how my life goes)...when Hailey does something wrong, don't talk roughly and sternly to her while saying "NO!" because for one it doesn't work anymore and two she's started to talk to me and the cat like that which is not a good thing--so now when she demands to me "GO GET MY CANDY NOW!" I look at her lovingly and tell her sweetly but sternly "Hailey Mommy loves you but we don't talk like that, we talk nicely and you can have your candy after you eat your dinner" which so far is working great but we'll see how long this tactic lasts...and lastly, I've learned not to throw things when I'm mad (which I'd never do around Hailey don't get me wrong) because I could possibly accidentally break something very valuable that Hailey LOVES. :( Putting that maraca in the trash this morning I felt like a totally shitty mother.
Don't get me wrong. I love my husband dearly and when he's acting like an adult and not a child things are great. But sometimes I just feel like..........well like I want to hurl a pillow at his head.
My mom's words of encouragement after I told her about the maraca this morning? "Well it shouldn't have been in the floor in the first place." Thanks Ma. But that's a whole other post...
My little brother is having a really rough time with the divorce. He's 13 but he's a sensitive boy. He's gotten depressed and he's been crying lately. He's finally realized this is permanent and he's been crying that his family is never going to get back together or be the same again. He's too young to realize the magnitude of the situation and the importance of what has happened, but old enough to feel the effects very strongly. Please pray for him if you're the praying type. He could really use some help getting through this tough situation.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
So here's the dress I bought for my friend's wedding that was cancelled. I really need to get this thing sold. I need to sell it for $100.00. I paid appx. $160.00 (plus taxes) for this dress and we don't have that kind of money to just blow. Any help would be greatly appreciated! I can accept payment by PayPal if anyone is interested.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Now moving onto the not so positive bits that have happened in the last 24 hours. My sister called me last night to inform me that my dad had already moved his 30something year old girlfriend into his house. I knew he had a girlfriend in her 30's. Well guess who the HELL it is. Go on, just guess. It's my other brother's MOTHER! The brother that's barely a year younger than me (from Ohio but lives w/ my dad now). This is the lady he shit talked for so many years, the lady we've all grown up hating, the lady he CHEATED ON MY MOTHER with when I was only about 3 or 4 months old. This is the 15 year old girl he knocked up while my mom was back in North Carolina all alone, poor as hell, trying to learn to be a new mom all on her own. This lady is not only in my state, my TOWN...she's in my father's house. I feel icky. She's a crackhead, totally white trash. And what's more, apparently he's saying she's always been the love of his life. WTF. Thanks pops. So while my mom, your WIFE at the time, is at home all by herself with no family around, no money, trying to take care of a 3 month old ME, you're out knocking up the 15 year old love of your life. And then you come back and after the divorce you get together with my stepmom and use her all those years, you know, pop out a couple more kids with her whom I love so much words can't describe...you keep her around til she has had enough of your crap and then you FINALLY reunite with the love of your life. You are a LOSER. You're a jerk. You use people. You only care about yourself. I don't ever want to meet this woman. Thank God I've never seen a picture of her. I've only imagined what she looks like, how she acts, what her voice sounds like...and that's all she's going to ever be to me, this imaginary woman in my head that forever ruined my life...or saved it, depending on how you want to look at the situation. Hey maybe I do need to meet her...and thank her for getting knocked up and finally making my mom leave your sorry ass.
My stepmom is not handling any of this well. After years of abuse, both physical and emotional, she can't handle things well. Last night my sister called me at midnight waking me out of a very sound sleep. My stepmom had gotten drunk and taken a bunch of pills and had passed out. I love this woman dearly and it's so sad how she can be so normal one minute and then like that another. And what's even sadder is that my sister's news about my stepmom's state wasn't even enough to wake me out of my sleep because I'm so used to that sort of thing happening on that side of the family. I just mumbled "I'm really sorry hon, just keep checking on her to make sure she's still breathing. I'll talk to you tomorrow" and I went back to sleep. This morning it was business as usual. My sister called me griping how her little dog shit in the back seat of her car and she couldn't get it out. I told her we'd use my carpet cleaner and not to worry about it and we talked about my friend in Japan and life went on as usual.
My life isn't sad by any means. I don't feel sorry for myself that this crap happens. It sort of sucks that we can be so nonchalant about things that might ordinarily be a pretty major deal. It's sad we just roll our eyes and think "oh jeez." But oh well. Whatever. I've learned to just laugh at the drama, as bad as that sounds. So my sister ran off to Florida a few weeks ago with my niece and nephews to get back together with her crackhead-alcoholic-daughter-molesting husband?? Just another day in my life...