Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Totally Random

Just a warning, this starts off positive but ends negatively. I'm really sorry I don't share more of the positive aspects of our life on this blog, like how D took Hailey to buy her first fishing pole Saturday and after a day of practice and perfecting her reeling capabilities we took her fishing Sunday for the first time...it's not that I don't want to share this stuff with you all it's just that I have a limited amount of time to post and I really really REALLY need to purge the not so good thoughts out of my head, and any comments you all make on anything helps tremendously because I don't have a very good support system here at home.

Opinions: The cranberry tea at Sonic is yummy. The blackberry tea is OK...but I wouldn't get it again.

Our sitter had her baby last Thursday which means this week Hailey's at home with our friend A and his baby boy L. She did really good yesterday, I was very pleasantly surprised. She didn't even care when I left for work OR when I went back to work after lunch. She wouldn't take a nap for him though. He said she was too antsy and just wouldn't quit walking around everywhere. She's growing up more and more every week and there is definitely no trace of "baby" left in her. She's independent, strong-willed, sassy and boy can that girl talk. She's always talked really well but it still amazes me how every single week she learns more and more. We literally have conversations with her. Not just short sentence responses. It's nuts. Last night she found a little glass egg at my mom's house. She said "I found the egg!" I said "Oh you found the eggs?" and she looked at me like I was stupid and said "No, ONE egg. The BLUE egg." Then she showed it to my mom and said "Look Olga, I found the blue egg! There's a baby bird in there." She picks up on stuff SO QUICK. Like you explain something to her once and she just gets it. It takes a million times for something to sink in my brain!! Oh to be 2 again...LOL. Last night we went on a walk and found a blue speckled egg that was half broken open. There was a bloody goo mass inside and I picked up the egg and explained to her that the egg had broken open and that was a dead baby bird inside. I also told her it was a Robin's egg. She thought it was really neat and we put it down and moved on. I never dreamed she'd get it that fast, that baby birds grow inside eggs. She's also been going around lately telling people she has a baby in her tummy. When we left the sitters last Tuesday I explained to her that the baby in her sitter's belly was going to come out Thursday (I told her in 2 days). That night she told my mom excitedly how Heather's baby was in her belly and it was coming out soon. She knows how babies are born, she's seen shows. She knows they come out your "hooha" which is what we call her girly parts LOL and she's actually ok with that. Thanks in part to Milo and Otis and to our sitter and my friend having their babies within a couple days of each other, Hailey fully gets where babies come from now. We went to see the baby Friday after I got off work. She told me we can't take it home. She really did NOT want me taking this baby home. It was so funny. Saturday when we went to see my friend's baby she kept telling me "Put her back in her bed. We NOT taking her home. PUT HER BACK IN HER BED MOMMY!" It's a boy, but hey whatever! LOL She doesn't want a little brother or sister. So it's a good thing we're not wanting to try for another one too awfully soon. It's really cute though, she's been going around telling people she has a baby in her belly. She'll lift up her shirt and point at her little poochy belly and say "There's a baby in my belly. My baby's so cute. He's sleeping in my belly." Too stinking cute.

Yesterday went great. My mom came over for dinner and by the time she left I was exhausted. Hailey asked to watch Spongebob in our bedroom so I put the movie in, got her pjs on and we laid down. Or I laid down anyway...she jumped on the bed, crawled over me, laid down for 1 minute, got up and found some trash on my husband's nightstand, went to throw it away, crawled back up in the bed herself over and over (she's getting taller finally!)...finally on one of her trashcan trips I heard her yell "DADDY!" I thought maybe D could brush her teeth and put her to bed because I was fighting staying awake. Part of the problem with this is he dinks around with it. He keeps saying "Come on Hailey, let's go brush your teeth...come on Hailey, let me change your diaper..." he never just grabs her and does it. He lets her run around and waits hours for her to come to him. Drives me insane. She needed to go to bed. It was after 11:00 (she took a nap after I got home from work since she wouldn't take one for our friend) and she needed to go to bed like SOON. I finally pulled myself out of my drowsiness and lost it. I told her we were done playing games and I grabbed her and changed her diaper and took her into her bedroom. She cried, of course...she didn't want to go to bed! But my husband said I was being so mean and I shouldn't be mean to her blah blah blah. Well I was tired damn it and it was time for her to go to bed. He should have just done it and gotten it over with but no...so it was done my way. And for him to tell me I was being a bitch, when I was so tired and in front of our DAUGHTER no less...I just lost it. I won't tolerate that crap anymore. I told Hailey I'd be back to read her some books and I closed her door and I went into the living room where he was and I told him flat out that I'm sick of his crap and that he needs to grow the fuck up because I want a husband not a teenager and that he WILL NOT call me a bitch especially in front of Hailey. He started to yell and I stopped him and told him Hailey will not hear us yelling at each other because I grew up with that crap from my dad and I don't want her to have to...the name calling and the fighting and yelling. He told me he called me a bitch because I was being one. It really pissed me off even more that he KNEW how tired I am and how easy I am to set off when I'm tired and he KNEW how pissed off I was already and he just kept egging it on. I told him at that moment I hated him and I truly meant it. I was so angry I could have punched him. I never would of course but OMG the anger towards him at that moment was SO STRONG. I would not have cared if he'd left. I was that mad. His response to my I hate you comment? "That's awesome." Which pissed me off even more. The thing about it was that he was TRYING to egg me on. He was TRYING to get me more worked up. WHY!??!?! Why would he do that? Is he THAT immature? Is that was it is? I mean as my husband you'd think he'd try to difuse the situation, tell me honey I'm sorry I got angry, SOMETHING. Not "That's awesome" over and over to every comment I make with a smirk on his face. WHAT.A.JERK. You don't treat somebody you love like that. You treat somebody you hate like that. Or somebody you dislike, or don't care about. Yea the I hate you comment might have been uncalled for and it probably egged him on even more (am I using that word right? Is it egged??) but I MEANT it at that moment. I really do love him but sometimes I truly hate him at the same time. It's like he can only take so much of being nice and polite and mature and caring before he has to be an ass and upset me really bad and ruin everything. Seriously, that's how he is...he's been like that for years. It can never just be good and normal. He always has to fuck it up in the end. Usually at the end of a really good day is when he's at his worst. I admit I was easy to anger last night and I admit I was exhausted so that didn't help anything, but as my husband should he not have realized this and dealt with it? He knows me. He knows what sets me off and what helps me get over crap. He never helps me get over crap but he's always quick to make it worse. That's what of the major flaws in our relationship. Anyway so I finally got so mad I threw my cell phone onto the living room floor. I had to purge my anger somehow. I noted that it hit one of Hailey's toys but I just walked off and went to read her books. She had heard my husband yelling at me! She asked me "Why Daddy yell at you?" That really severely pisses me off and hurts so bad. He is so immature that he lets his feelings get the better of him and he will yell even though she might hear. This doesn't happen very often, but I don't want it to happen at ALL. I just brushed it off and we read books like normal and snuggled and she went to sleep. After I got up from her bed I went and got my cell phone and went straight to bed. This is my new tactic. It doesn't do to keep on with him because no amount of explaining my feelings or why I got so mad does any good. It has never sunk in, in all the 9 years we've been together, so I'm not bothering anymore. I just ignored him and went to bed. I fell right to sleep. Even that angry, I was so incredibly tired. This morning my alarm was going off and I was obviously still exhausted because my husband-nicely-told me it was past time for me to get up. He didn't realize I'm getting up later since I don't have to take Hailey to daycare. I wasn't mad anymore, everything was fine. I got ready for work, the morning was going well, I went to get dressed in the living room and I stepped on something hard and green. I picked it up. It was a piece of Hailey's maraca my stepmom brought her back from Mexico when she was a baby. SHIT. My first thought was "somebody must have stepped on it yesterday!" but then I realized what happened and I felt like TOTAL.COMPLETE.SHIT. My cell phone hit her maraca, not one of her plastic toys. The maracas are made from some sort of dried squash...not strong plastic. I had to throw it away, there was no way I could glue it because it broke around the handle where the handle was sewn on. So I've learned yet another lesson on dealing with my anger. I've learned yelling in pillows isn't good because it obviously scares Hailey...walking away from my husband diffuses the fight quicker and he gets over everything and is just fine (even though the situation is still not resolved in my mind, whatever, that's just how my life goes)...when Hailey does something wrong, don't talk roughly and sternly to her while saying "NO!" because for one it doesn't work anymore and two she's started to talk to me and the cat like that which is not a good thing--so now when she demands to me "GO GET MY CANDY NOW!" I look at her lovingly and tell her sweetly but sternly "Hailey Mommy loves you but we don't talk like that, we talk nicely and you can have your candy after you eat your dinner" which so far is working great but we'll see how long this tactic lasts...and lastly, I've learned not to throw things when I'm mad (which I'd never do around Hailey don't get me wrong) because I could possibly accidentally break something very valuable that Hailey LOVES. :( Putting that maraca in the trash this morning I felt like a totally shitty mother.

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband dearly and when he's acting like an adult and not a child things are great. But sometimes I just feel like..........well like I want to hurl a pillow at his head.

My mom's words of encouragement after I told her about the maraca this morning? "Well it shouldn't have been in the floor in the first place." Thanks Ma. But that's a whole other post...

My little brother is having a really rough time with the divorce. He's 13 but he's a sensitive boy. He's gotten depressed and he's been crying lately. He's finally realized this is permanent and he's been crying that his family is never going to get back together or be the same again. He's too young to realize the magnitude of the situation and the importance of what has happened, but old enough to feel the effects very strongly. Please pray for him if you're the praying type. He could really use some help getting through this tough situation.

1 comment:

Jaime said...

Hey Erin ;)

There are a few things I could offer about your husband. I was in a relationship prior to Jimbo for 5 years. BUT just in case it might not be as constructive as I'd hope I'm going to refrain from saying anything other than I hope things get better *comfort*.

As for the anger and the doll. I realize you're upset but please remember, you are human. You are not just a Mother who has a child, you are a woman who is dealing with a lot of things and it's natural and completely normal to get upset and sometimes to get angry.

I got angry one day and threw a phone myself. I ended up putting a small hole in the sheet rock in the wall (no dolls at that level LOL) and I was immediately ashamed but you know what? I felt better.

I'm sorry you have so much stress. I also know how it is when your husband asks or does those things, "is he poopie??" knowing good and damned well he is instead of changing him (leave it to me, thanks hun!)

I'm always here if you need an ear or any support at all!