Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Trust Issues

UGH...I just found D's ex out on MySpace. Evidently she finally made a page. It's private, so I can't see any details. I'm all paranoid now that he's going to find her and start talking to her again. I had seen her at Old Navy this past weekend and I hadn't seen her since God I think their graduation in 2000...she had moved out of town to go to college to become a lawyer. Well evidently she lives back here in town now. My friend asked me why I thought he might try to contact her if he did find her out there.....HELLO he was obsessed with her. They dated his Junior year of highschool and she cheated on him and broke up with him. They never slept together thank GOD. But he's been obsessed with this girl since grade school(which he swears he doesn't give a crap about her now). Anyway after she ended up breaking up with the guy she cheated on him with, she started calling D again and talking to him, their Senior year WHILE I WAS DATING HIM. And he would sneak off behind my back and go to the grocery store where she worked after school and on weekends and talk to her. Supposedly he would NEVER EVER cheat on me...but yea I've heard that before. I'm sorry but I don't fully trust him. Ever since I found him looking at porn a few times(once while I was pregnant, come ON make me feel like shit why don't you! and another time this past year on my birthday of all days, and then a couple months later he looked at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit pictures online and I could never compare to the girl he was looking at....I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before but I have a huge issue with porn and he knows he can't look at it and be with me...he's known that from the beginning...) and he lied each time and said he'd never do it again, and then DID IT AGAIN, I just don't trust him. And a month or so back we were getting in fights quite a bit and he'd yell at me that he has no privacy...ok he's had no privacy the whole 8 years we've been together, and now he wants privacy? It sounded fishy to me. I don't think he's done anything, but I still don't trust him. And now I find out she's back in town, and now she has a MySpace page that I know he'll probably find. At least I know his password for everything so I can snoop but man I didn't need that stress right now. My friend said "Well he married YOU"....yea that doesn't make me feel any better because I still kind of feel like he just did that because we were having a baby(which he swears isn't the case). Don't get me wrong we have a good relationship. But sometimes I just feel like things aren't quite right and maybe he didn't really want to get married. Like he wasn't quite ready for all this yet. Yea well I wasn't necessarily ready either, and it's all his fault we got pregnant, he's the one with the huge sex drive...not that I don't love my daughter but I wasn't necessarily ready for all these changes either. I hate not being able to trust anyone :o(


Normalgirl said...

at least i'm not completely alone dealing with husband issues. I found mine looking at porn a few times as well. Don't you wish you could just smack him and make him understand???

Wendy said...

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way right now! It sucks when you can't trust the one person that you should be able to no matter what! I hope that you are able to figure this all out! It is so tough to be in a marriage full of secrets!

Kristin said...

Ahhh, the "privacy" issue. Ugh. IMO, if there's no trust, there's no privacy. What's to hide if there's true honesty?