Thursday, October 9, 2008

Live Through This

D came home last night talking again about this newest job he's been offered after the start of next year. I finally had the nerve (I've been trying to show restraint and just not lash out at him all the time anymore) to mention to him that something like that wouldn't provide any benefits. He tried to say with the amount of money he'd be making it wouldn't matter. "I'd be making at least $50,000 a year!" I kept my cool and reminded him of our goal that we'd mutually decided on in the recent weeks. For him to get a decent job so I can quit working and we can eventually have another baby. We finally had to be honest with ourselves and admit that my stupid body isn't going to hold out much longer with the schedule we have now. I just can't do everything. As much as I want to be Martha Stewart, I just CAN'T. I cleaned and organized the garage this past Saturday and then went shopping with my sister in law Tuesday evening and I'm STILL paying for BOTH activities. I'm exhausted all the time, I hurt 80% of the time and I've started having random leg pains, especially in my knees. I could be doing something like taking a shower or walking to my car after work and BOOM I feel like I'm going to fall down from the stabbing pains in my knees. D had to carry me to bed one night because I just COULDN'T on my own. I feel crippled, or ancient or something, it's ridiculous. And D finally realizes it's not a joke, I'm not lazy or craving attention. My body sucks, plain and simple. I inherited lots of bad crap from both sides of the family. (Let's hope and pray to God that I don't inherit anything HORRIBLE like cancer...) So we finally made the decision, with D agreeing, that after he gets a job it would be best for me to quit working. And now he's coming home with all these grand plans for these jobs that have him traveling all the time, without a steady "every 2 weeks" paycheck sort of deal, without benefits, without guaranteed pay at all. I realize he wants to be happy and have a fun job he enjoys, but WHAT ABOUT ME? It's the same ol' deal. It's not like I'm just saying "Oh I hate working, it just sucks and I'd rather not do it..." I physically cannot go on like this much longer, with no sleep, horribly busy days and evenings, never getting a chance to rest, never ending chores because I only have about an hour every night to get anything done...my body just feels like it's going to give out here soon. Finally after trying to reason with him last night about how unrealistic these jobs are for a husband who has a child and wife who isn't in perfect health to support, he broke down and admitted "I know they aren't realistic and that I'm only thinking about the best pay at the jobs I could get, not the worst..." So that was nice to hear. But does he REALLY get it? We had to go through the whole him telling me "Well if you hate your job so much, just quit and find something else"....he doesn't understand it's NOT that easy. I explained to him yet again that I have to keep this job that I hate because I could never find anything else that would pay me this much, especially something that I liked doing, and remember I have to support his ass while he's out having fun all the time! That pretty much shut him up. At least we were able to stay civil and joke around with each other through the whole conversation, and for once he acted like a man instead of a boy and stated that his dreams were unrealistic for our needs.

But I STILL worry about what's going to happen in the upcoming months. He's already talking about having another baby, which I physically and monetarily (is that a word?) cannot do right now. I can't quit working if he doesn't have a job, and I can't physically do it if I have to continue working. I'm worried I'll end up supporting us forever, never getting to enjoy life, always just surviving. I can't do it on my own. I need him to be on the same page.

I'm SICK of just surviving my life. I'm so incredibly ready to live it.

1 comment:

AZ Mom of Many Hats said...

You sound overwhelmed. I would be (and at times in my life have been)too. I think it's great that you realize that you want to "live" life. Your time will come, and you will have such appreciation for it when it happens. My advice to you right now is to not sweat the small stuff (laundry, vacuuming, household chores)because if you think about it, completing those tasks, don't bring us joy. I would also say, to find the joy in the life you are "surviving" right now, and you just might find that you are really living it.