Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Harsh Reality

I've been on edge this week.

The lady that used to do my job retired. I took her place. Every now and then she comes back to help us out. No big deal. She sits at the front desk answering phones, doing basically...well, my old job, actually. I'm totally fine with that.

But this time has been different. This time they stuck her in the empty area at the other end of my office. The area they use for storage. So she's sitting over there, listening to everything I do. Every phone call I make. Every swish of an invoice, every typed word. And every time she leaves her "area" I can feel her eyes prying into me, watching my every move. Judging me because right now I'm OBVIOUSLY not entering an invoice. Judging me because I can't do the job NEARLY as well as she did in the 12 years she held this position. JUDGING.

I'm not going overboard here. Believe me.

So yea, I've been on edge...I mean it would be hard NOT to be in this situation. I don't want to have to explain to her. I shouldn't HAVE to explain to her...the fact that I can't do as well as she did because my body is failing me while she's the epitome of health at retirement age.

I already feel like crap as it is, with piles of work sitting around me. Knowing that there's no way I can get it all done. Because I'm sitting here with sharp stabbing needle like pains shooting down my arms and through my knees...with throbbing hips and aching fingers. And so drowsy I could drop off to sleep in a second if I were able to lay down. I'm trying. But it's not enough. And it's stressing me out. I can handle my personal life. I can't handle the immense workload of my job. While I'm here I feel like I'm barely staying afloat, with my head just bobbing above water. When 4:30 comes it's like someone's pulled me to safety. No matter what I have to do that night, what errands I have to run, what tasks I have to complete at home, it's ok...I can handle that. Because I can go at my own pace. Make my own schedule. Spend time with my little cutie patootie and just be me. No stares, no looks of judgement, no never-ending piles of work. Dishes didn't get done tonight because I spent time doing crafts?? NO BIG DEAL! Taking two hours to make my sister in law's baby shower invites instead of just one? Who cares!

I know I'm not able to go fast enough at my job or work non-stop all day with no rest, so I fall behind. I know this. I don't need super AP clerk from the past coming back to judge my every move, reminding me every day what I already know in my heart. That I'm not cut out for this job. Not anymore.


Catherine said...

It is hard to feel like you are not measuring up. Hang in there.

The Arthur Clan said...

I just hopped over here from "Mom Bloggers Club" to check out your blog and read your post. I hope that today is going better for you and that you are able to hang in there. That's really rough to be working at a job you don't really care for.

Thinking of you today...

Angie in OH