Bear with me...

Ok I'm doing some changes to the blog, it's a work in progress as I don't have much time...it might look funky for a while, colors not matching etc...

Yummy peepa mommy!

My mother in law asked me to go with her and her parents(in town to see Baby W) out to eat last night. Not one to pass up free food, I said we’d go(and D’s grandparents are really sweet). They chose a certain pizza place that we love, even though my mother in law has only been there once—with Hailey and I—and the grandparents have never been there. Usually when we go, it’s just Hailey and I. We have our little routine, and it always works out great. Last night it didn’t go quite so well. They wanted to choose a table, and sat down. The highchair they’d gotten Hailey was broken, so I went to get a new one while carrying Hailey. I’m used to this, I usually go alone, remember? His grandpa followed me and took the highchair from me even though I obviously had everything under control…I was carrying Hailey on my right hip as usual, and the highchair w/ my left hand, no problem. So he took it from me. I politely told him thanks. So we’re sitting at the table. Finally I ask if we’re going to go order or not. You have to understand, D’s grandma is even worse than my mother in law. The poor woman is just not bright at ALL. She had no idea that there could ever be a pizza place where you are not waited on. And this is not because of her age, believe me. My mother in law had been there before w/ me, but acted the same way as her mom…horrified that they had to get up and actually go to the counter and order. So we get up there and for once I stand up for myself…I told them if it was okay with them, I was going to order a pizza for us, half what D likes and half what Hailey and I like. They asked(although my mother in law had already asked me once on the phone 30 minutes ago) what I get on our pizza…I explained, so they’d understand why they wouldn’t want to share with us(I get funky stuff like artichoke hearts and mushrooms and onions, stuff they would never eat). They order their pizza, and I put in our full usual order including a salad w/ no sprouts for me, a bowl of shredded cheddar cheese for Hailey and milk and soda. I also ordered sodas for them, as they hadn’t even thought about ordering drinks. We go to get our soda, and once again they start grabbing stuff from me. I like order, organization…I like to be in control of what’s going on with myself and Hailey…I know I may seem like I’m being ridiculous, but all this “help” I was getting from them was not only unwanted but it was stressing me out because it was totally throwing out all order in our routine, and our stuff was spread out between 3 other people instead of being nicely contained where I knew where everything was. Maybe this is my OCD coming out, but I just needed them to back off and let me take care of us myself. I went and got our plates and silverware, and explained to them they would need to get their own as the 4 plates I picked up were just enough for Hailey and I between the pizza and salad etc. They refused to use the towel napkins this place has…one of the “unique” things about this place…because that was “gross” and why use those when they have disposable napkins available? We finally get to the table and they begin griping about having to do all this work themselves. I ignored them as best I could. Then when I went to pick up my salad, they were like “You ordered a SALAD?!?!” Then as I was feeding bites of it to Hailey they had to discuss in length the fact that my 16 month old daughter actually eats and likes salad and how weird it is for an adult to like salad let alone a 16 month old…this is what I’m talking about, this is why I hate eating with his family. We have nothing in common when it comes to food. They don’t need or like vegetables and they always talk about how weird I am because I do…and they act like I put on this huge act just to be different and get attention! Ok if I don’t have some sort of veggie w/ every meal I feel disgusting, I’m sorry…it’s how I was raised, we’ve always eaten healthy food! At least this time my father in law and nephew weren’t there, so I didn’t have to put up with my father in law trying to shove chocolate cookies and pudding down my daughter’s throat the whole meal, knowing I don’t allow those things on a weekday(really hardly at all, she’s lucky to ever get anything sweet besides an animal cracker or a bit of ice cream). My nephew always sits there eating like a bird, refusing to eat anything except sweets and soda…and he’s 2 and ½ and they let him…and they think it’s ridiculous that Hailey’s not just like him, because he’s “normal”...can you tell how annoyed I am??? So, back to last night...after the salad was gone, they had to discuss in great lengths the fact that Hailey was eating SO MUCH, when all she’d had was some of my salad, a bowl of cheddar cheese and a jar of carrot/apple/mango baby food that she fed to herself(sneaky way to get her to eat carrots, and of course they were SHOCKED at how she could actually feed herself—imagine, a kid feeding themselves, WOW!!) They act like I overfeed her. Then they griped about how long the pizza was taking(ok it had been 25 minutes and the clock was set to 30 minutes, hello be patient) and they exclaimed very loudly that pizza hut NEVER takes that long(seriously? Pizza Hut takes an hour!) I tried to change the subject by explaining that they make their own dough and everything, and pointing out the “dough tunnel” and stairs, where the little kids can stand and the workers will throw balls of dough through the tunnel over the glass to them to play with. They did not grasp the concept. I tried for 5 minutes to explain it to the grandma…the grandpa had given up trying to understand…my mother in law didn’t care anything about what I was saying…finally I gave up and changed the subject again. Finally the pizza came, and Hailey chowed down. But they’d messed up our routine so much, that she was really antsy and not focused, so she grabbed my plate and promptly told me I was “all done!” and then wanted to jump on my lap while yelling at the people behind us. She NEVER acts like that there. So I got firm with her, something that by the looks my inlaws gave me I take it they didn’t like…all I did was look her in the eyes, hold her arms firmly, and tell her to settle down NOW and I stood her next to my chair and ignored her cutesy pleading “Mom-MEE!” They looked at me like I was the most horrible mother EVER(they don’t reprimand my nephew, ever…they tell him very sweetly not to do something, and then let him do it anyway) and you know what, she settled down and wanted to sit down in her chair. Hm, think I know my own kid, thanks. By the end of the meal my mother in law had warped back into one of her “moods” where she acts like she hates me and they rushed off. I don’t know if it’s the new baby making them all act freaky or what, but my in-laws are driving me INSANE these past couple days. My mother in law is now trying to tell me when I can go to the hospital and when I can’t…even though my sister in law told me to come by tonight with Hailey and take more pictures for her, apparently my mother in law has it in her head I am not allowed to be there unless they are as well?? God forbid, I spend 15 more minutes with the baby than they get to. Even though they were there all freaking day yesterday and I didn’t even go by because they wanted to see Hailey and take us out to eat, which I gave in to even though my sister in law had begged me to come keep her company each day she was there! I’m just sick of how controlling they are, sick of how they act like I’m a freaking weirdo and after 8 years of being with D still making me feel like an outsider…I’m tired of them flaunting how much they help my brother and sister in law, rubbing it in to make me feel like crap. I’m tired of my mother in law voicing her opinion about us about Hailey, all while acting like she doesn’t even care if she gets to see her or anything, while flaunting how much she LOVES my nephew. I’m just tired of it all, and they’re driving me to the point where I’m just going to not try anymore. It’s starting to feel oddly familiar…it feels like it did when D and I moved in together, and then when I was pregnant, and right after I had Hailey. These people will never be happy with anything we do, will continue to try to control our lives while showing as minimal interest as necessary in our daughter, and continue to try and make it seem like it’s our fault they never get to see her etc. etc. I could go on and on. It’ll never end. This post is really jumbled I know, but I just have all these thoughts and feelings in my head that I can’t get sorted out.

Ok now that that’s out… everything else is going great. It’s Friday, YAY!! I’m hanging out with my mom tonight. Tomorrow if it’s nice, we plan on going swimming. Sunday my sister is riding down to my grandma’s with Hailey and I, to meet the family for dinner. Monday I have off work, thank GOD(I’ve been so busy but so bored here lately!). The weather is still beautiful out, Hailey really enjoyed the ride home last night, with both front windows open blowing the cool breeze on her while she relaxed in her car seat. Things are still great with D and I, and he’s falling totally in love with Hailey all over again, just like I knew he would when he started spending more time with her. It’s killing him now that school’s back in session, he misses her so much…to the point where he’s calling me and making me put her on the phone, and even getting up EARLY to see her on his 1 day to sleep in!!! Things are just perfect, and I feel so positive about life…no matter what’s happened lately, it hasn’t gotten me down. It’s a great feeling!!

This and that

It’s been one of those days…

First off, this whole baby thing has be in a bit of a bad mood. I went to see new baby W last night. He wasn’t in the room when I got there, they were suctioning him out some more since he was having problems getting all the mucous out. I didn’t mind, I was there to see my sister in law just as much as I was there to see the baby. I talked to her for a while, asking how she’s doing etc. My in-laws were there. I think that’s what really started it. They were being so incredibly annoying. They were getting my nephew (who’s 2 and ½ yrs.) all riled up and making him scream. It just irritated me how disrespectful they were being to the other moms in the hospital who were probably trying to get some rest. And my sister in law had been through enough, she shouldn’t have to keep getting onto her oldest son repeatedly…she just didn’t need that. But my in-laws weren’t thinking about her at all, all they cared about was the baby. Then the baby talk started. It drives me up the WALL how instead of talking correctly, they call things what W calls them. For instance, he calls dogs “gogs,” so instead of saying “do you want to go see the dogs?” they say “let’s go see the gogs!!” Hello, that’s not teaching him anything. He’s 2 and a half and he can’t speak a single full sentence, and while this is normal for some children I’m starting to see that it may be quite a while before he starts to talk with the examples he gets from my in-laws! You have to understand…he’s with them ALL THE TIME. But that’s a whole other story. Anyway, so they start asking him if he wants some “Cocket Mulk”…in proper English, “chocolate milk”…it drove me up the wall to hear them repeat the mispronounced words to him OVER and OVER. I’m sorry if that seems petty, but these people are so odd and I cannot stress how hard it is to spend any time around them at all without acting pissy. As if that wasn’t bad enough, when my sister in law was finally feeding the baby she said to me “I’ll hurry with this so you can finally hold him Erin”…and my mother in law exploded…”ERIN, why ERIN, what about ME!?!?!” I looked at her with a look of shock on my face. She is the most immature 50-something year old woman I have ever met. I sternly told her that I had not even SEEN the baby yet, let alone held him. She said “Well I’ve only held him for like 3 minutes!!” Ok she’d been there all morning. The woman is just nuts. I really try to get along with her, really try to tolerate her, LIKE her even, but it’s just not working. I told her that was ridiculous, and jokingly said “I will fight you for him you know, I’m pretty sassy!” My brother in law finished feeding the baby while my mother in law whipped out her photo album devoted solely to big brother W, which is another thing that annoys the crap out of me. Do they have an album for Hailey??? Hell no. So my sister in law and I start comparing the 2 boys, noting their differences and similarities. My sister in law pointed out that the outfit big brother W wore home from the hospital was the one I bought him, the very first gift my sister in law ever got when she was pregnant with him. I thought that was very sweet that they picked that outfit as his going home outfit. She asked me what Hailey went home in, and I honestly told her I have no clue. My mother in law blew up again. “You don’t have a CLUE, what do you mean, you don’t REMEMBER?” I told her I didn’t pick out anything special, and we didn’t take pictures or anything of her going home or arriving home like my brother and sister in law did, so I don’t remember. She actually had the nerve to say to me “God, what horrible parents!!” I politely reminded her “You have to understand, I did not WANT a baby, I wasn’t into doing all that cutesy baby memory family crap!” What I really wanted to do, was scream at the top of my lungs “Can I not get it through your thick head that I did not WANT a baby, and that I was not only not giddy about coming home with Hailey but I was on the verge of a BREAKDOWN because of the whole situation!?!?! Do you not remember the grief you caused us in the hospital by calling and screaming/cussing at us over the phone the night before we came home????” etc. etc. Seriously, to this day I think she thinks we planned Hailey. I honestly think she thinks I put on a huge act, how miserable I was and unhappy I was after she was born. She never offered help. She basically ignored the fact that I even existed. All that mattered is that they could drop by last minute at 9:00 at night and see Hailey. And they thought I was incredibly rude when I didn’t sit and converse with them while laughing and smiling. GRRRRRRRRRRR Ok the visit at the hospital yesterday just brought back TONS of bad memories, and tons of horrible feelings of resentment towards my in-laws for making a bad situation even worse for me. As if all that wasn’t enough, when I was getting ready to leave the hospital my mother in law chose THAT time to give my sister in law a huge gift of Bath and Body Works stuff…a special scent she’d gone to great lengths to find and buy, because she knew how much my sister in law loves in. Ok when I was in the hospital after Hailey was born she yelled to my husband on the phone tons of horrible things about me that weren’t true, even going so far as to call me names(all while he’s rocking our newborn daughter mind you, and I’m trying to dr. my horrible swollen hooha) Thanks ma, LOVELY gift. Why does she treat us so differently?? And it was almost like she wanted me to see her give the gift, like rubbing it in my face. I promptly hugged my sister in law, who begged me to come back and keep her company, and left. I went home, got on my sister in law’s email account like she’d asked me to, did a few things for her that needed to be done, esp. w/ the pictures I’d taken for her…and went to bed in a grumpy mood. I woke up this morning tired, but fine. I came to work and was showing a couple of my coworkers the new baby pictures. I was telling them how I was surprised that seeing the baby didn’t make me have the urge to have one of my own like I thought it would. I thought I’d feel jealous of my sister in law and start wanting a baby more than ever. Maybe my in-laws had something to do with me not feeling like that, but anyway, I didn’t feel like that when I left…I was just happy for them and thought he was a cute baby. That’s all. So I was telling my coworker how D and I have been talking lately about when we might try for another baby and how I was glad the visit didn’t make me want another one right now, and my coworker says “Well you don’t need to have another one til D gets a job anyway!!!” I was shocked. And quite pissed to be honest. That is none of her business, and it wasn’t for her to say! I told her that even if we got pregnant now D would have a job before the baby was born, but we’re not trying anytime soon so that didn’t matter!! It really hurt my feelings that she said this. It just added to my feelings that my mother in law had started the night before. Nobody would be happy if we announced the fact that we’re having another baby, no matter when it happened…what is it about us??? It can’t be money…my brother and sister in law are going through bankruptcy for goodness sakes, and my in laws were still overjoyed to hear of the impending arrival!! But if we were to get pregnant…well it’d be the end of the world. Even though this time we’re married, they would still be ashamed. My in-laws bawled, out of sorrow and disappointment, when they found out about Hailey. And they didn’t share the news with ANYBODY like they did when my sister in law was pregnant both times. And I know that’s how it’s going to be with our next one. And it just breaks my heart. The only thing I know to do, is just not care. Just try to focus on us as our own little family…just D, Hailey and I…and worry about us being happy and what’s right for us. And I already decided long ago that the birth of the next baby will be completely different. I gave in last time, and told the in-laws we’d call them when I went to the hospital…because they insisted they would be furious with us if we didn’t. But after all the drama that happened, with them being furious that we called D’s brother before we told the in-laws Hailey was born, because they didn’t like her name or the way it was spelled…after them barging in my room while I was in so much pain and so out of it, and acting like I wasn’t even there while talking bad about what we named her, and them taking pictures while holding her with pissed off looks on their faces…I’m not taking the chance on that happening again. Next time, we will call them after Hailey’s born, after we’ve had time to bond and breastfeed etc. Then they can come and see her, preferably when I’ve moved to my permanent room where there isn’t blood still splattered all over the floor. That just seems like the best thing for us. They will be very mad…but I’m done with caring about their feelings, as they so obviously don’t give a crap about ours.

SO…now that I’ve got that vent out…

It is a beautiful day here!! 84 degrees, sunny…this is the weather I LOVE…it’s starting to feel like fall!! I’m so anxious!! I absolutely love this time of the year! I love being able to open up the windows and air out the house!! There’s nothing like feeling the nice cool breeze flow from room to room. It’s so hard to stay in a cruddy mood with great weather like this!

A secretary at one of the schools sent me some chocolate today. I thought that was very sweet of her! Really brightened my day!!

I’ve finally started reading the last Harry Potter book, YAY!! I’m only on page 45 or so, but so far it’s pretty good.

When my husband called me yesterday (yes, he’s even CALLING me now!!) I recounted to him the story of how I killed the most ginormous spider EVER right outside our front door that very morning, without freaking out and screaming like a little girl. Even though it was resting a mere 10 inches from my daughter’s feet. And I am deathly afraid of spiders. And did I mention how ginormous it was??? I told him how it was WAY bigger than the spider he’d killed the night before. He asked me what kind it was, and that was that. Then he gets home last night. I’m already in bed. He comes in the bedroom, and starts going on and on about how HUGE this spider I killed was, WAY bigger than his spider, and how proud of me he is. I know this whole thing may seem silly…but it really meant a lot to me when he praised me like that! If you’ve read previous posts, you know how my husband is…for him to make a big deal out of something that seemed pretty insignificant to him but was a huge deal for me is not something he ever does…so it really meant a lot to me.

A couple of my old friends from highschool in KS have been posting old pictures of themselves and their friends from their highschool/college years on MySpace. I got out our old photo albums, from ’99 up until about 2004(when life got in the way and I quit having time to actually put pictures in albums) and I realized something…while my friends were all hanging out together in big groups of girls, being silly together and having a blast…I was with D. All the time. I didn’t go to college, so I didn’t have that whole experience. Since my Junior year of highschool, it’s been just me and D for the most part. I mean of course we each have other friends, but ALL the pictures I have from that time period…all those years…are of us. Being silly, having a blast, experiencing life together. I thought maybe I’d feel sad that I didn’t get those years with my friends, that I didn’t have the experiences that they did…but I realized I didn’t feel sad at all…I think it’s so neat that my husband and I have been together so long, and that we’ve been able to experience half our teenage and all of our adult lives together. We’ve got all these inside jokes and memories together…I love it that I share those things with my husband instead of a group of girls I probably won’t have any contact with in a few more years. And it was incredibly neat to see how much we’ve grown up and changed. Hell we’ve seen each other nearly every day for the past 8 years…we don’t notice the changes. But looking at these pictures, WOW we looked like little kids!! We were so cute! I think back to those times, and how I felt…I never would have thought that after all these years we’d still be together, more in love that ever, and married with a little girl. I realized all over again how lucky I am…these past couple years I’ve been worrying and complaining so much, but what the hell am I complaining about? I have my dream…I’m married to my best friend and I have a wonderful little girl! I’m not un-lucky at all!

He's here! **Updated with a picture!**

Baby W was born this morning at 8:45am. He weighed 8 lbs even and is 20 1/4 inches long. Baby and mom are both doing fine, although they couldn't get the spinal in my SIL's back...they tried for 45 minutes! Finally they gave up and had to put her out. I get chills just thinking about this...this was one of my nightmares I had repeatedly while I was pregnant with Hailey...blacking out only to wake up and have somebody hand me my baby. Anyway, she woke up an hour after he was born and at 11:00 when my brother in law called, she was still groggy. The plus side of them doing it that way was she has horrible reactions to spinals so this way she's not sick at all, she's doing great! I ran downtown at lunch to get goodies for them. When she had my nephew 2 and 1/2 years ago I brought her yummy truffles from this great candy store, so I carried on the tradition with her 2nd baby.


I also got my brother in law and nephew chocolate covered Oreos to share(they're the round cookies at the top of this picture),


and the cutest little bib that says "Simply Irresistable". I cannot wait to see the little stinker, I am SO EXCITED! It's been a LONG time since I've held a newborn! They said he has thick, long, black hair just like Hailey and his big brother W had when they were born...which means he'll turn out blonde in the end like they did! :o)

Here he is!! Look at all that hair!! I know you can't really see his face, sorry...

Midnight parties and realizations about life...

Here I was just saying a few weeks ago how I have a horrible husband. Boy do I feel stupid. Since that breakdown, my husband has shown me daily how he is quite the opposite. It’s a shame it took us hitting rock bottom to knock some sense into both of us, but I’m glad it worked. Things have been amazing! Of course we’ve still had our little moments of annoyance here and there, but that’s just normal. This turnaround came at the perfect time. We’ve had a few weeks to smooth things out and get back to “normal” before D started his last school year. Yesterday was his first day. Considering he left the house at 8:30 and didn’t get home til 11:15(w/ a short break in there for dinner at home at 9:00) he did remarkably well. The “old” D from a month ago, would have been a bear by the time he got home. But we’ve both had such positive attitudes lately, it’s hard for anything to get us down. I’m still exhausted…having only gotten 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night for the last 5 or so nights is really wearing on me. I’m still in good spirits, but my brain is in a fog and I’m moving a bit slower than normal. Last night my coughing wasn’t as bad as it has been. I got Hailey in bed at 8:00, which was amazing compared to the night before(when I was BEGGING her to go to sleep at 10:15…apparently every kid in this town refused to go to sleep Sunday night, how weird is that?? People are blaming it on some lunar eclipse????) and I was asleep by 11:00!! D wasn’t supposed to get home til after midnight from work, but thank God he got home an hour early because not too long after he got home Hailey started crying. He let her cry for a minute to see if she’d go back to sleep and then gave up and peeked in her room. She was standing in her crib, wanting out. I was OUT. I didn’t even hear her crying! I can’t imagine what would have happened if he hadn’t gotten home early…who knows how long she would have had to cry before I snapped out of it and woke up! He tried for 45 minutes to get her back to sleep, until finally at 12:15 he came into our room and turned my bedside lamp on and looked down at me with this look that said “I’m so sorry, I tried”...I asked him what was going on. He put her in bed with us. At that point Hailey was thinking “Yay, PARTY!!” She jumped on the bed, yelled at the cat, giggled, poked us…asked for juice…we gave her juice, because we were too tired to argue. She sucked it down and demanded more, so we gave her more. She splashed it all over the bed and stained the sheets. She wanted to go into the living room and play! How on earth was she going on so little sleep??????? It’s like she took a 3 hr. nap and then was ready for the day. I was so tired I just lost it and started yelling at her to lay down and go to sleep. I feel so bad about it now, but it didn’t even phase her. She leaned over and said “Mom-mee” in that sweet way she does, as if to say “Mom don’t even try, you are totally NOT scary”…at which point I began to have a coughing fit so bad I almost threw up. Eventually I passed out, coughing, toddler jumping on the bed and wallering all over me, husband pleading and persuading her to settle down and go to sleep...I have no idea what time D got to sleep. All I know is that I woke up at 4:00 to Hailey’s head jamming me in my ribs. This morning Hailey was raring to go, in the best of moods. I left her in her pj’s, since I woke up so late. Of course when I got her to school she’d peed even more in the car so her diaper was full to the brim and starting to leak, making me look like a horrible mother…it was barely wet when we left the house, I swear! It was all that juice in the middle of the night… SO…there was my night. Pretty eventful. I’m now on my second cup of coffee at work, and I plan on getting a Mt. Dew this afternoon. And I’ll just HOPE I get some sleep tonight.

Something very odd has happened the past 3 of 4 nights. All but one night, Hailey has wanted me to read a particular book to her. One night she fell asleep w/out me even reading. But the other 3 nights she has requested I read her little pink Bible to her that my mom got her for Easter. It has no pictures. The words are so small I have to squint to read them. Yet she lays there so still, listening to the words she doesn’t yet understand…pages at a time even…until she drifts off to sleep. I’m not going to lie. We don’t go to church. I did when I was a really little girl. I did the whole Sunday school thing. Then my grandpa got really sick when I was about 4 and my grandma put him in a nursing home in another town and moved to be near him. We quit going to church. Life got in the way. For years we only went on holidays, like Easter and Christmas. I know hardly anything about the Bible. I know the basics but that’s about it (so forgive me if I sound ignorant when I’m talking about it’s contents). Even so, all through my life I’ve prayed. I’ve prayed with Hailey before I put her in her crib every night for a long time now. But it struck me as odd that a 16 month old would request to have the Bible be her bedtime story, especially so many nights in a row. On the second night I read a passage about worrying, and it all hit home. I realized that throughout all the bad things that have happened in my life I’ve still had food, shelter, water and love. My life has been hard, but no matter what happened I still had my basic needs met and was kept safe. I’ve always seen myself as an unlucky person, I’ve always focused on all the bad and wondered WHY it all had to happen to me. I always worried, even as a kid, about money and bills, and food and our safety. It’s really frustrating to me that I didn’t realize sooner that I needn’t worry because no matter what happened, we were surviving. I have been lucky. It’s not God’s fault that life has thrown crap my way…instead of yelling at him and asking him why, I should have been thanking him for helping us through everything. If Hailey hadn’t asked to read the Bible again that 2nd night, I would never have realized this. Or maybe I would have years down the road…but I think I wasted enough of my life worrying, and I’m thankful she made me realize it now before I wasted more years. This also made me really realize the big difference between my husband and I. When he said the other night “Well Hailey was an oops, and everything’s worked out OK” I didn’t really realize just how lucky we’ve been. No we weren’t planning on having her right then…the timing was all wrong. But we were able to get pregnant so easily—which was amazing considering the recent scare I’d had a few months before…cancer runs in our family and my mom started having problems when she hit her 30’s…I, however, began having problems at the ripe old age of 20 and since I’d always had this nagging feeling I wouldn’t be able to have kids I thought “well, here’s the proof I won’t” when I found out about the problems I had. But I did get pregnant, even using precautions to prevent it! I was able to carry her to term w/ no complications. I had a wonderful birth. She was perfectly healthy. And despite only making half of what we need to survive every month, we’re not behind on payments for anything. Yes we’ve racked up debt on our credit cards to get Dan through school, but we’re surviving. Hailey goes to a great school, she’s smart. She doesn’t care that we don’t own a house! Why do I??? I realized this morning that something has been different these past few days…I finally pinpointed what it is. The worry is gone. I just have this really good feeling that no matter what life throws our way, we’ll get through it. I’ve got to start living, instead of wasting every day worrying about things that are out of my control. I’ve got to take life as it is right now, and make the best of it!

I generally don’t write posts like this because my thoughts generally take too much time to get in order enough to write it down without making no sense whatsoever. But this was a major turning point in my life, so I tried to organize my thoughts the best that I can. I’ll remind myself each day of everything I’ve learned, and hopefully things will stay this way!!

I wrote this post this morning and here it is almost 2:00 and I haven’t had time to post it yet…busy day. Luckily it’s flying by. I got Hailey the cutest outfit at Penney’s to wear to a bridal shower for a close friend on Sept. 8. It’s one of those little tunic tops w/ the stretchy capris. So cute! It was on sale for $13, can’t beat that for a whole dressy outfit. And my friend is coming over tonight. The one that came over early last week, J. I thought after last week when I was starting to not feel good and so tired that all I did was gripe the whole night, she may not come back anytime soon. I guess I wasn’t as bad as I thought, because she asked to come over and hang out tonight. I just hope I haven’t crashed by the time she gets there…

Surprises

I think my husband’s gone nuts. He won’t quit bringing up this whole baby thing. Apparently he was a little more excited about the whole thing than I thought. I think I wrote before about how he is wanting again to try in December like we’d originally planned…he brings this to my attention AFTER I’ve already told the families we’ll be waiting(to their relief, which really TICKS me off…they just can’t be happy no matter what can they, planned, not planned, it’s all the same as long as it’s US having the baby…grrrr…) and now not only is he wanting to still try in December, but lately he’s been hinting at trying sooner!! I don’t know what’s gotten into him. Last night I’m laying in bed coughing, so un-sexy, trying to get to sleep, and he starts harassing me about making a baby. I made the mistake of telling him we are most certainly NOT doing anything of that sort right now because I’m on antibiotics, which lower the effectiveness of my pills. You would have thought he’d recoil away in horror, right? No, quite the opposite actually. He got all excited at the possibility of an “oops” baby. He assured me it would be okay because he’d be out of school by the time it was born(seriously, has he been thinking about this or something?? How did he know that quickly when the due date would be if we were to get pregnant this month? It’s not like he hesitated before he said this to give himself time to think…) I told him I was not going to take the chance on that happening because what if he doesn’t find a job right away, then where would that leave us? With two kids and even less money than we have now…and instead of saying “yea, you’re right” he just reassured me “But we had an oops with Hailey, and look everything’s worked out just fine!” !!!!!!!!!! Seriously??? Was my husband really laying there trying to persuade ME to have a baby???? What has this world come to??? I very sweetly told him we’d discuss the matter later, but that we were past the chance this month for anything to maybe happen anyway, so to back off and let me try to get some sleep. I knew he wants another baby, but I didn’t realize he wants another one just as badly as I do…if not a little more, as it seems from the conversation we had last night. Unfortunately we’re not at a place in our lives right now where that would be a smart thing to do. But he’s only got 9 more months of school left and then we’ll be able to get on with our lives. We’re so excited to finally be a “normal” family and move on with our lives.

This is what my daughter looked like last night:



Last night, Hailey was running around blabbering about Lord knows what when all of a sudden she stopped…flopped down on all fours…put her head down…and starting making these awful wretching noises. My first thought was OH GOD she’s choking, she’s getting sick, she’s choking and getting sick!!!! And then she made this BLEGH sound, stopped, looked up at me, and stood up. Only to do it again. And I realized exactly what she was doing. She looked EXACTLY like Puss In Boots coughing up his hairball in Shrek 2. The movie she’d just watched at my mom’s that very afternoon. I asked her if she was coughing up a hairball like the kitty on Shrek and she said “um huh!” and walked over and got her big Shrek stuffed animal and blabbered on and on to him. I laughed SO HARD. I was in shock. What on earth made her do that all of a sudden?? Kids are so weird.

Balloon Festival Saturday

This morning I woke up at 9:00 and went into Hailey's room. She was laying in her crib with her feet propped up on her bumper. Such a good girl, letting mommy sleep in! We got up and she got some yogurt out of the fridge. I told her to come into the dining room and I pulled out her chair. She yelled at me "NO! Wee woom!" and looked at me very sternly. I was so shocked...I asked her "You mean the living room?" and she said "um huh!" like she always does instead of "yes"...so we went into the living room and she patted the floor next to her and instructed me to "sit down"...little Miss Bossy!

This evening we went to the Balloon Festival. Hailey loved it! They haven't done one here in town since I was a little girl, and it was really neat this time because unlike in years past you could walk right up to the balloons! Very neat...



She found a great little dirt mound and plopped her butt right down, then instructed me to "sit!"





And here's Hailey's new school bag! We officially retired the diaper bag! She's very excited. You should have seen her pulling this thing all over Penneys! We also got her very first training pants today...the ones that are like real underwear but have the thick center in case they have an accident. The rash I mentioned previously is still hanging on, although not as bad as it was...this way she'll be able to run around the house without a diaper but she won't be able to pee or poop on the floor since the training pants have nice thick centers.

Friday...Part 1 of the picture post

I'm home sick with Bronchitis. My inhaler's not helping, I keep having these bad coughing fits. The dr. put me on doxycicline or something like that...some drug that treats malaria for goodness sakes! Needless to say it made me SICK...within 20 minutes of taking the pill this morning, right after I'd dropped Hailey off at school I almost had to pull over a dozen times to throw up. It's been a bad day. I called the dr, they called me in a Zpac...so when I go pick Hailey up I've gotta go spend even more money on another prescription. So frustrating. I just want to feel better.

D has been doing his best to make me comfortable and keep my stress down...he hung up our new hanging lamp in the living room...he put up our bed(the mattresses have just been on the floor for almost a year now!) and he cleaned the kitchen, doing all the dishes and everything. He's now gone to the Lake...he friend from Mexico just flew back into the country yesterday, he picked him up from the airport...he'd promised he'd take him to the Lake when he got back, so here I am alone. No really I don't mind. I get the bed to myself tonight!! As long as I can keep my food down and take care of Hailey ok, I'll be fine. WOW it is storming here, the thunder is shaking the house. Crazy.

Ok, I'm going to just do a random picture post, to lighten the mood a bit...

My sister's bird Anna...I swear to God this bird is so smart it's scary...she has a huge vocabulary, speaks sentences...smartest bird I've ever seen.




2/3 of the way through my pregnancy...



Appx. 3 months old...look at those chubby legs!!



4 months old...look how long her hair was already!



Look out ma, I'm crawling! 4.5 months old...

Update

Well the meeting yesterday went very well. Aside from having to croak at people and some of them looking at me like I had 3 heads, it went great! We had 65 people show up...we'd planned on 64, and 1 didn't show but 2 extras came...65 people is an awesome turnout! And the majority of them had all the info we needed...and the ones that didn't were very nice about it. I got to leave at 6:30 on the dot, so I didn't get home too late. It's too bad that sort of thing isn't part of my normal job, I actually enjoyed it!

Today I'm back to my "cave" as all of us have come to call it. My office is dark, I'm tucked back in a corner. I talked to J, one of the women in the dept. I helped w/ the meeting last night...she said that everybody was so used to avoiding this office altogether because of the crotchity old lady that used to work here biting their heads off...so everybody's just in the habit of being scared of this area. I told her I get so lonely in here and really started to feel like nobody wanted to talk to me anymore! She assured me that was not the case.

Well unfortunately, this is definately a chest cold. I now know I got it from my boss...she told me today she's had this throat/cough issue for 2 weeks now. Me and D both have it, and it's moved into our chests. We're both coughing up green gunk. And he doesn't have insurance. I'm going to the dr. this afternoon since the crap I'm coughing up is green nasty stuff(which means I can FINALLY get my dumb dr. to refill my heart pills for another year, JEEZ)...luckily he's going to the convenience clinic tomorrow for a physical for school, and his dad's taking him(which means his dad is paying, not being he needs his daddy there for any reason) so thank God...that way they can look at him for his chest cold while he's there as well as doing the physical, and they can give him some meds. Hailey is still doing great, thank God so far she seems to have not gotten the brunt of it. She just has a runny nose and coughs a bit. Last night I snuck her vaporizor in her room because she started coughing in her sleep, and she was better the rest of the night. She woke up in a great mood this morning. She took her big Shrek stuffed animal(the one that Uncle A bought her for her birthday before he went back to Cali) to school this morning. It's as big as she is, but she wouldn't let go of it. She even put Shrek "night night" on the couch this morning. She's so funny.

Wendy I am trying the Monistat...hopefully it works as well on Hailey as it did on Lani! I tested a tiny bit of it on her hip/leg last night overnight, since she has such sensitive skin, and it didn't bother her...so this morning I slathered it all over her rash. How often did you put it on Lani, like twice a day? I figured I'd do once in the morning and once at night??

This morning's post...

I don’t have any extra time today, but I had to update on a few important things/good things that have happened.

First of all, yesterday was an awesome day. Work went great. The day started off with another department asking me to help them at this huge meeting this afternoon. Technically I’m not the “spare” person anymore, but they said they trust me and the trust isn’t there w/ this other person, so they wanted me. I was very flattered, and said yes immediately. I’m very excited about helping at the meeting. Not only do I get to get out of the office today at 2:30, but I should get in a couple hours overtime not being here! And it will be just us three women doing the meeting, which will be for at least 65 new employees. I’m going to have to help check them out in the end, and of course I woke up with a full blown head cold this morning, where I couldn’t even talk…and I’m going to have to talk to probably 20 people individually tonight at this meeting. But I’ve been drinking tons of hot tea and taking Advil, and I feel much better now. I’m determined to go to this meeting and do well!! The rest of the day yesterday was good as well. Towards the end of the day the head of our building came and asked me to help out yet another department today. I have to hurry and get my huge mound of work done this morning so I can help them out before I leave for the meeting. Apparently the new receptionist isn’t quite pulling her weight yet. She’s so nice, but they said they miss me :o) Talk about making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!! So I’ll be doing my job, then her job, then helping at this meeting. Busy, fun day!

Then last night I got home to not 1 but 2 checks in our mailbox. Our usual check from D’s grandparents, in payment for him getting a full scholarship to school…we rely on that check so much it’s ridiculous, just to get by. I knew it would be there. But the other check was a very good surprise. We get a renewal bonus for renewing our lease with our rental agency. It’s normally 100$ a person, but this year since we’re married I thought they’d jip us since only one of us has to sign the lease now, and give us 1 check. Well they gave us 1 check, but for 200$!!! I was so excited. That means we can pay our bills this month, yay!! It came at the perfect time, this payck was short…anyway…

So to keep my good day rolling…last night my husband came home for a quick meal before rushing off to work. I was exhausted, my throat hurt, I was trying to wrangle Hailey down to change her diaper to get her ready for bed, it was almost 9:00…and my husband says to me out of nowhere. “You’re a trooper, you know that??” I told him thanks, that I’m really trying. He said “There’s this country song out now, that talks about being strong and handling a lot or something like that, and it always makes me think of you.” How sweet is that? It really touched me, for him to say that. Here all this time I didn’t think he appreciated everything that I do…I thought he took it all for granted. Just that one little comment from him meant the world to me. And as if that wasn’t enough…D got no sleep last night, he has a major sore throat too. I could hear him rustling around as my alarm was going off this morning, which is odd because he’s never awake that early. I thought oh jeez, he’s going to be a huge grump today. I snoozed the alarm and laid back down. 10 minutes later D is lighting shaking my shoulder, saying “Waky waky Mr. Lion” in my ear. You know, like the lemurs say to the lion on Madagascar. We’ve had to watch that movie a lot lately… So that was a nice way to wake up this morning.

I think I’ve figured out what this rash is that Hailey has on her upper/inner legs and very lower belly. She’s been using these diapers for a while now, so I know it’s not that. Well it appeared right when she finished with her antibiotics for Strep. It’s a yeast rash, a common side effect of antibiotics in babies/toddlers. Not like a yeast infection like a woman gets…it’s nowhere near her little “hooha” as we call it. But it’s not responding to any diaper rash cream we use, not even our old favorite Beaudreaux’s. So I found an article on BabyCenter that says not to call the dr, but to try OTC Monistat cream first, and if it doesn’t get better in 3 days, THEN call the dr. So while I’m at the meeting tonight my mom’s going to go pick up Hailey and get her some cream. Hopefully it’ll work. I’m not too concerned, because I mean it’s not hurting her, and she’s not scratching at it. But I know it does irritate her some, because she doesn’t want to wear a diaper anymore…and of course nobody wants their kid to have a rash. So hopefully the cream will take care of it.

My grandma and I re-scheduled our visit again. I really want to see them, I feel really bad, but she understands my need to spend as much time with D before school starts back up on the 27th, and by some miracle his tournament this weekend was cancelled. He’s going to the Lake with a couple friends from school, one that just got back in town from Mexico(the country, not the city) Friday and Saturday, but then Sunday he’s going to be home. That’s the day I was supposed to go see my grandparents again…but my grandma is busy Saturday. So we’re going to do it next weekend, and that means I get a free day to spend with just Hailey and myself Saturday, and then a day with D on Sunday! Good weekend…

**UPDATE**
It's now about an hour and a half til we leave for this meeting and I'm started to get nervous! My voice hasn't gotten any better since this morning, so I'm feeling all self conscious about that, and I mean come on there's going to be upwards of 64 people there!!

Halls Mentho-lyptus Cherry Flavor

That's what I've been eating all day. I have another sore throat! Apparently, the sore throat I had over the weekend was not in fact allergies, like I'd thought. D informed me last night he now has a sore throat...and now I have one again. It's even swollen, which makes it a bit hard to breathe. So that pretty much sucks. D said I should have warned him, so he would have stayed away and not gotten it. HELLO!!! How could I not have warned him? Everybody knows I love to complain. I don't knowingly do it, but complaints flow out of my mouth along with the rest of my verbal diarea. Gawd that's an awful term isn't it? Verbal diarea? Am I even spelling diarea right??? Anyway...I talk a LOT, and I have a lot to complain about, so complaints are just a part of my everyday life. I complain that I'm tired repeatedly, annoying the crap out of my mom more than she lets on. I complain that my hips hurt, or my arms ache, or my head hurts, or my stomach, or I'm constipated, or my throat hurts..... Ok in my defense, I'm not that healthy of a person. I DO have a lot to complain about. I have physical issues that most people don't. I mean don't get me wrong, I don't have some life-threatening disease (thank God) but I do have a lot of medical issues. And part of my way of dealing with them is to complain a lot. So, how on EARTH did he not know my throat hurt when he spent the whole weekend with me?? Has he really learned to tune me out that well after 8 years of putting up with my whininess?? Is that even a word?? Anyway...it's his fault for ignoring my complaints. Bet he won't do that again! HEHE! So anyway...now my throat hurts again, so here I am complaining about it. I'm convinced I get sick so much because of my compromised immune system. I have psoriasis(only on my scalp thank GOD, and it's not gross like it can be...) and that is an immune disorder. That explains why I have such a hard time healing too. Which explains why I'm so terrified of being injured. Anyway. So I'm sick again, that sucks. Oh while we're on the topic...I have been drinking tons of water today, way more than usual. I'm almost done with my 3rd big glass, and I had a big glass of caffiene free tea at lunch. And I don't feel like I need to pee at all. ???? How weird is that??

On a more positive note, my friend is coming over tonight to see us, YAY!! Don't worry, I'm not like coughing and hacking, she won't get my cold. It's just a sore throat. And I'm tired. Anyway, it's a good thing I cleaned last night. Apparently my friend J and I had made plans for tonight a long time ago, and I didnn't remember! She emailed me today and asked if she could still come over. My house is clean, sure come right on over!! She's all excited to see Hailey too, which I feel bad about...Hailey doesn't know her, she's not going to go right up to her and start talking. She'll sit on my lap, mum's the word until J leaves and she'll let loose being the little sassy monkey that she is. Speaking of monkeys, Hailey was jumping on the couch last night! I mean not holding on, both feet coming off the couch, flying up in the air everywhere jumping. It was hilarious, but so dangerous! I finally got desperate after she demanded I leave her the heck after I repeatedly tried to protect her from falling...and got out her Jumperoo. She sat in it watching Shrek...she acted like it was some funky hammock. She did not, however, jump. Anyway, it should be a fun night tonight.

We've started sort of looking for new places around town to move. Once D graduates this coming May who knows where we'll end up for him to be able to get a job. So we can't renew our lease on the townhouse I've grown to love and Hailey has become comfortable in. We have to renew in February, but our lease isn't up until July! So if we renew then find out in June we have to move away, we're screwed on our lease. They won't break it. But it sucks because if we don't renew and he finds a job here in town, we still have to move. It sucks either way basically. But the prospect of moving to a new(hopefully bigger) place is excited. We have 1200 sqft now w/ 2 beds 2 baths, but we have no storage space. My mom's boss owns rental properties over by my mom, 3 beds w/ garages! For only 50$ more than what we're paying now! Course that doesn't include cable like the place we're at, but still. Without daycare costs we should be able to afford that easy...you'd think anyway. We'll see.

YAY FOR ME!

You'd think I'd learn my lesson after last time I lost my post, right??? NOPE...I hate this wireless internet my FIL installed...I don't care if he did work for the phone company for years, he doesn't know what he's doing!! Ok so here's my lame attempt to retype my post...

Tonight was a really good night. I FINALLY got our master bathroom cleaned, YEA!! Not like anybody really cares, but I'm so stinking excited. I got the litter box moved to the corner over by the shower stall that we're now using for storage. We never use it anyway to shower, and we're really short on storage space...plus, you can't even take a shower in there without coming out deaf anyway. That's the one that I broke the shower head off of, remember the one that pegged me in the forehead and left a nasty bruise? Well now it emits this loud shrieking sound while the waters on, and it does not go away. Anyway, I cloroxed that whole bathroom. I think I used half a container of Clorox Wipes. I got down on my hands and knees and did the floor, the toilet, the vanity, even the walls. By moving the litter box, I was able to put my pretty blue rug down and we should now be able to use the toilet without having litter stuck to our feet, EW!! Love my cat, hate her litter box. So gross. The whole time I was doing this Hailey kept running up and asking me "all done?" and I'd tell her "almost" so she'd run off saying "almost done!" And D was amazing, helping me out here and there and playing with Hailey a bunch. I did so much tonight that I shouldn't have to do much tomorrow night, except maybe a load of towels and I have to give Hailey a bath. Other than that I should be able to just relax and enjoy my family!!

Oh and by the way, I'm feeling quite a bit better now. Still really tired, but not sick or dizzy like I was earlier.

Office Politics

I'm so sick of working in an office. It doesn't matter where you work, there are always people there talking behind backs, causing drama. I'm just so tired of it, I cannot stress enough how much stress this puts on me. I NEVER wanted this for an occupation. I fell into it. I have no interest in Accounting, or even working in an office building! My mom worked at my previous place of employment...you know, the Hell Hole, my whole life. I always told her "I don't see how you work there, I could NEVER work at a place like that..." meaning an office building. And where did I end up? I tried to go back to school, get a degree, so I could do something I enjoyed. Like the field my husband is getting a degree in for instance. But I couldn't get into the University here, because I'd never taken the ACT's...and I didn't have the levels of Math required to go there. I got into the private college in town, which didn't have the degree program I was interested in...but I chose another field, only to have my advisor push me to get a 2 year business degree. Hello, that's why I was going back to school, to get AWAY from business! He was so adamant that I just suck it up and continue my current path that I never registered for classes. Instead I began saving up as much money as I could and moved out on my own. And well you know the rest... now, I'm just waiting. Waiting it out, putting up with all this crap every day...until we find out where we're going to be moving after D graduates. And then I can quit working, and finally FINALLY get away from all this. It's just so tiring, all the little petty day to day crap...if I'm going to be sitting at a computer I want it to be for fun, not work. And just now we had our staff meeting...the office secretary (who is a wonderful woman, very anal about everything, and is the reason this office runs so smoothly!) brought up a printing issue. While she was talking about it, I got the distinct feeling the "issue" was directed at me. I know I didn't do what they were saying "someone" had been doing wrong...but somehow someone thought I had done it. And what made it even worse than her announcing the issue to the whole office, was the fact that my two coworkers sitting near me, who were at the other end of this "issue" were whispering to each other "She has no idea we're directing this at her!! HEHE!!" I'm not jumping to conclusions here, I know they were talking about me. And it doesn't even bother me that bad, I'm so over all of it! I'm just counting the months til I can leave, and do the job I've always dreamed of doing.

Hello Monday

Well this weekend was really nice. I got in some much needed time with my husband, just hanging out around the house together and being a normal family. It has definitely changed my perspective on things.

This weekend was a little odd at the same time though. I’m still so worn out. I don’t know why. I used to be fine going to bed at 11 or 12 and getting up at 7:30 with Hailey. Now, I go to bed at 11 and she sleeps til 9, which means I get 10 hours of sleep…and I’m still so tired. I haven’t been doing as much around the house. My floors desperately need vacuumed, but I just haven’t had the energy. I haven’t been picking up her toys like I usually do at the end of every day. It’s just weird. I can’t seem to shake this exhaustion, no matter what I do. And I feel bad. Because although my mom says it’s good for Hailey to have a nice relaxing weekend at home with us, I still feel like I should be down on the floor with her trying to color or something like that…not letting her wander around playing all by herself. I’ve always been like that though, I feel bad if I take a day for me to just lay around or do chores…I feel like I’m neglecting her. I know I need to get over that. But still…and I’ve also been snapping at her sometimes. Not bad, but like on Sunday we went to a place to eat here in town because we had gift certificates. She’s usually so good at this place. Granted, she hadn’t had a nap yet and it was 12:30. But I was still shocked at how much of a tantrum she threw when it was time to sit down and eat. She refused to sit in her booster. She knocked the ketchup onto the seat, splattering it everywhere. She knocked her milk down, splattering that everywhere. I was at my wits end. I was starving, I really wanted to eat because I was feeling sick, and here she was being such a little turd. And D’s just sitting there helpless as I struggle to control her...he has no idea how to handle her when she’s like that. I felt like people were looking at me like I was a bad mom…these people sitting there with their well behaved kids, not throwing anything and eating peacefully and quietly. At one point I almost lost it, so I grabbed her off the seat and stormed off…I had no idea what I thought I was going to do or where I was going to go…so I just decided to go get more napkins. It diffused the situation a little bit, but not enough to where she was well-behaved. I was very glad when we were done, and very thankful that D didn’t utter a single word of criticism on how I was handling our child through the whole meal. He was on my side for once, and it was nice. We took her home and put her down for a nap, and I laid down for one myself. She only slept for an hour though. What’s the deal, Saturday she didn’t take a nap AT ALL, and yesterday for only an hour???? I guess we’ll see how she does this week. But when I woke up to her crying yesterday D had already gotten her out of her crib and she was crying for me. From the hallway I heard him telling her “No Hailey mommy’s trying to take a nap, Daddy’s here now” and she just wouldn’t let up, so I gave up and went in there and took her. I love the mommy-daughter bond we’ve got going, but sometimes I really wish D would be able to handle her and comfort her like I can. But most of the time she just wants me and only me. After dinner last night I got REALLY dizzy. I couldn’t even walk, let alone pick her up. And she got a case of the poops, which she wouldn’t let D change either time. I had to have him hold her down while I tried my best to change her, bracing myself so I wouldn’t fall over. I have no idea what was going on. It was like I had just spun in circles and I was dizzy and couldn’t see straight. It lasted til I went to bed. I woke up still a little dizzy this morning. Now I just feel incredibly nauseous. I feel like I need something else in my stomach besides yogurt, but the only thing that I feel like I could keep down is soup and a sandwich from this café near here…which oddly enough, is one of the few things I could eat while I was pregnant with Hailey in the beginning. So I’m going to lunch early to miss the lunch time rush there. Seriously if I wasn’t on the pill I would swear I was pregnant. But I don’t think the nausea and dizziness kicked in with Hailey til I was a good 5-6 weeks, at which time I was already having the cramping which I do not have now. I was on that antibiotic, which lessens the effectiveness of the pill, but I think the timing was all wrong for that to happen. Plus, by timing, I should just now be ovulating if I was going to ovulate…so unless I got pregnant last month while on the pill and then had a light 3 day period…something else is wrong with me. That would be all I need right now…and to make matters worse, my mom brought me some decongestants on her way to work this morning and she asked me if I was pregnant. ????? Thanks Ma. I cannot be pregnant right now, I just can’t. The timing is so bad, it would be just like last time. Nobody would be happy. And I am just not ready for that. We have a lot of stuff to sort out first. But I really don’t think I am anyway, so that’s good…but I do feel like something’s wrong with me, and I’m sick of it. I wish I had a better dr. so I could get to the bottom of it after all this time. What the heck could be going on?? I’ve searched WebMD to death and come up with nothing. I have all these weird symptoms but I can’t find anything that encompasses all of them. I’m just sick of feeling like crap!!

Unbelievable

This weekend has been very good for us. D told everybody that he promised to spend this weekend with me, because he wants to spend time with us before he has to go back to school. I hate to admit, I may have overreacted a little. D really didn't understand how bad I thought things were. We talked, and he was able to reassure me he's just really busy and stressed because of school, and that in less than a year it'll all be over and we'll be a "normal" family again. He really thought I was just going through one of my "down" times and things were really fine. I feel a bit stupid, honestly. Yea, he's not perfect. Yea he really could do more around the house. But since he's been home all weekend, he HAS been doing stuff around the house. And spending time with Hailey...he even put her to bed last night. She fell asleep during the first book but he held her for another good 20 minutes just because he misses her. And he's been great w/ me too...we let my mom take Hailey for a few hours yesterday and we went to see Potter (2nd time for me, but I really wanted to see it again)...he wanted to see the Simpson's movie, but I didn't think I could take a whole movie of the Simpson's, so he was nice and went to Potter instead. This weekend has been how I always want our life to be...and it's all because he's HOME. If I can just get through this next school year, everything should be fine. Last night we were talking about it, and about him finding a job and all. And our conversation really made me realize just how far off my vision of our relationship is...he actually started talking about when we were going to start trying for another baby again. We'd talked about waiting til he got out of school, which I thought he was ok with. But apparently not. Apparently he really wants to still try in December like we'd originally planned! Actually, it's becoming really apparent to me that while I'm over here thinking the world is ending and all that dramatic crap, he's been feeling like aside from my emotional explosions here and there, our relationship is going great. He didn't realize just how hard it's been on me to have him gone so much. And when we were having this conversation about him getting a job and everything, he went so far as to say there's no reason we'd even have to wait til December to try...that we could even try now and he'd be out of school by the time the baby's born!! I was shocked. Here I've already told his family and mine that we'll be waiting til he's out of school to try, and now there's a possibility if things go ok it MAY be sooner. Of course there's no way we're going to start trying now like he mentioned, I want to make sure things are really ok first. I'm setting a goal of after the first of the year, depending on how the next few months go between him and I. I have just as much work to do on this relationship as he does. And now that we both realize the situation it should get better from here on out.

Now for my update on Hailey. I am amazed at the speed at which she picks up new words/phrases. She is speaking full sentences now and we really have to watch what we say because she's repeating EVERYTHING, and not just for repetition's sake but actually using things over and over in the right context. This morning she was looking for her pacifier and when she found it she exclaimed "There it is!!" Yesterday she learned "fix"...at my mom's she was typing on the computer and kept hitting keys to make weird boxes pop up and she'd yell at my mom "Please fix it!" At school the other day she was cleaning up books and nobody was helping her even though she was singing the Clean Up song...Clean up clean up, everybody everywhere etc...and she got frustrated and turned to look at the other kids and yelled "Clean up people!!" The sitter does not say this, it just flew out of Hailey's mouth. She's so bossy, just like her momma. She's also learned to "read" another book. She picked it out at Walmart a few weeks ago, and LOVES it. Apparently they have it at school too. Hailey found it one day last week on the shelf, sat down and started "reading" it. The sitter was shocked, she didn't know we had the book at home. It's Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed. Hailey talks about the monkeys and then talks about the mommy calling the dr. and then shakes her little pointer finger saying "no no monkeys!" etc. etc. It's too cute.



And I finally got some new pictures loaded onto the computer...

Her hair is getting so long!!



One last little note...Hailey has learned to pick her nose. Not something I'm proud of, but it is so darn cute to see her jamming that little finger up there. Makes her so much more of a "kid" somehow.

TGIF

First of all, here’s how my night last night went:

Last night wasn't that great. My inlaws came over way later than I told them to, and they wanted to take us to dinner. Nice right? I should be thankful right? Well, I was a little irritated instead...they waited so late, Hailey was already starving which makes her so cranky...then when we finally did get to go, at like 7:00, they chose a place that wasn't really a good place for Hailey or I to eat! I expressed my concerns...it's a new restaurant here in town, what they call "Greek" food here. Souvlakis(sp??), gyros, pizza, that sort of thing. We have a ton like it here in town, and I can't eat at ANY of them because they make me sick! The seasonings they use, the meat tenderizer in the meats, and feta cheese made from goats milk all combine to make a really bad experience for me. I'm very lucky if I can find something on the menu to eat. Not to mention this place was brand spanking new, and a bit fancy. It was all quiet in there, everything was really nice. And Hailey was CRANKY. She was so tired. I knew we should just take dinner home instead of going somewhere but they didn't listen. So here I am, having to deal w/ her, getting all stressed out...she doesn't want to sit in her chair, doesn't want anybody to hold her...she wants to run around the table talking/screeching. And his parents thought it was cute!! They LAUGHED and encouraged her!! I was so mad. Here I'm trying to think about all these other people, getting annoyed by my daughter who is usually so good when we go places because I don't go when she's exhausted normally...and his parents are encouraging this bad behavior. She even started telling D no, like shaking her finger and yelling “NO NO!” at him, and my FIL was like "yea, tell Daddy no no!" And here I am on the other side saying "Now Hailey be NICE, we LOVE daddy, you are not the boss of daddy!" And do you know what his dad said? "Yea daddy, be NICE!" Turning everything I said around. Then she wouldn't eat her dinner, which was spaghetti, and she kept reaching over and wiping her hands on my shirt that I was wearing for the FIRST TIME which had white stripes on it(see picture in previous post)...and then when I finally get her to go to my FIL, he's bouncing her around on his knee even though D warns him she's going to throw up. I pulled out my Tide pen and went to work on my shirt and Hailey wanted me back, and my FIL started making fun of me, telling everybody I was doing laundry! Not to mention the fact that I could not in fact find anything I could eat there. They(as in my inlaws) acted like I was being a huge pain, just for the sake of being difficult...because first I asked what the kids menu items were, because they didn't have any printed up. THEN, I had the waitress go check to see if their feta is made from goats milk or regular milk because I am allergic to goats milk. Sure enough, it was made from goats milk. Then I had to check if the manicotti had feta in it. Yea it did. Everything did. And you couldn't customize anything, which is weird??? So I had the hardest time finding something to eat. Finally I had to get a whole 10" pizza to myself, because I wanted artichoke hearts and canadian bacon and his mom said that was gross so she wouldn't share. It was smothered in cheese, it was so rich it was gross. I got a side salad too, and scarfed that down. By the end of the meal, between Hailey and my in-laws and the stress of not being able to find anything I could eat...I was so sick to my stomach. And exhausted. And I just wanted to go home, cuddle with Hailey, and then go to bed. But my mother in law wanted to see the scrapbooks. I showed her what I'd done, which is pretty much nothing, and told her it was because I didn't have any pictures. She had said she'd take me to print more pictures and buy more supplies, and now she's not. So I'm really irritated. I can't get it through her head that we are poor. She thinks it's all a time issue, because she's all like "oh I have the same problem, there's a million things on my list too but I have no time..." when I mention to her about adding things to the list like getting the oil changed and getting medical tests done to see what the hell is wrong with me or getting Hailey’s pictures taken (which my MIL keeps hinting that we need to do)…HELLO, my list is all about money, not freaking time. And then she wouldn't leave! I didn't get Hailey to bed til almost 10 because she wouldn't leave! I literally had to go to the front door, holding a very tired and very agitated Hailey and say “ok I have to put her to bed now, thanks for coming!!” And then I tried to call my mom afterwards to talk to her, and she literally just sat there not saying a word, yawning in my ear. Talk about making me feel boring. I got off the phone with her quickly and I just lost it. I felt like I have nobody to talk to, about anything. I wrote this whole long blog post just letting everything out, and the damn wireless internet my FIL hooked up kicked me off and I lost ¾ of the post!! I was so upset I just went to bed and bawled about everything. Out of desperation, I finally called D. I wasn’t even making any sense. Somehow from what I was saying he thought I was griping that we don’t own a house and that it’s all his fault. I didn’t even say that. Finally at the end of the conversation he told me I need to go see a dr. Which I don’t have the guts to do, and one day I’ll be feeling like yea I need to go see one then the next day I’ll be fine again so I never do. I think he called me back later telling me he loved me and it would all be better in a year…and I woke up with puffy eyes this morning from crying myself to sleep. I'm better this morning, but not back to normal yet. I’m sort of forcing my good mood, and it’s not working very well.

D did make some progress last night. Yesterday he called me on his way home, and told me he realized something. I don’t know he’s noticed me pulling away from him or what. But he told me he realized he sleeps 8 to 10 hrs. a day. Plays golf for like 6 hrs. Where does that other 8 hrs go? He said “because I’m sure not getting to spend much time with you and Hailey.” I told him I’d been trying to get him to realize that for a long time. He wants to do something w/ just me this weekend. Something like we used to do, before we had Hailey. Like go to a movie, or just drive around out in the country, or go to the Lake for the day. And I do to! I really do. But my mom’s working and Saturday is her “date night,” and I don’t want his parents watching Hailey…because they just cannot get it through their heads that she’s not W, their grandson. They disregard everything I tell them to do with her and act like she’s W, and treat him like they treat him. So she’s underfed, around icky animals, put to bed to cry herself to sleep, drinks WAY too much juice etc. etc. I just don’t feel ok leaving her with them anymore unless I’m desperate, like if I’m sick. And dangit I miss her. I only get to spend about 3 hours a day with her, because I have to work. Maybe that’s part of the reason I resent D spending so much time NOT working…because he’s the reason I never get to see Hailey. I crave time with her, I’m obsessed with her, she’s the best thing in my life. No matter how bad I feel, she makes it all better. And I never get to be around her. The weekends are my time with her. They fly by all too fast as it is…why would I want to take even more time away from her? Even if it is to spend time with D. My time with D is often stressful. My time with Hailey is always fulfilling. Last night when I got home from work, I was pretty down. I was standing at the dining table opening D’s pay stub, and it was less than what we needed it to be. And Hailey walked up, tugged on my skirt and said “Mommy?” She knew I needed comfort somehow, just like I know when she needs it. She made me turn around, and held up her hands with a big smile. I picked her up and she cuddled into me, belly to belly, holding on so tight around my neck. I rocked her for a while, and it was so nice. She’s my little angel, I really do not know what I’d do if I didn’t have her. She is just the best thing that’s ever happened to me. The rest of my life is hard…I resent anything that takes time away from her. I don’t get to be a SAHM, so I resent my husband and my job. It’s their fault. UGH…see how screwed up I am? I just don’t know what to do. I know the only way I’m going to be happy is if D gets a decent job to where I can stay home with the kids. I don’t care if we ever get a house…if I’m home with my kid all day, getting to spend quality time with her I will be happy. I’ll be a better person, and I’ll be able to be a better wife. I’m just spread too thin right now, and I’m unhappy with what I have to do. I really feel like if I can get through this next year and D can find a decent job, that in about a year and a half I should be able to do what I need to do. That just seems like so long from now…

I wanted to try to end this post w/ a positive. So here’s a cute Hailey story…

This morning I was getting dressed and after I took my shirt off Hailey ran over w/ a big smile on her face, pointed and said "That boobs!!" Then she started trying to pull up her shirt, "See boobs! See boobs??" So I helped her, and she pointed and said "boobs!" and giggled and then said "Down!" and put her shirt down. She's definately mommy's little girl! And she learned the word "camel" this morning, but she says it "mammal" so she was going around talking about her "mammals" this morning and she even took them to school.

Well now I’m finishing this post, and it’s after lunch. I went to eat with D, and we went to try to get new cell phones. His didn’t work at all anymore, and mine only did half the time. We were up for renewal Monday, but the lady was so nice and called Customer Service and they let us renew 3 days early. I didn’t have to pay anything for my phone, and we got D’s at a huge discount…and I have to say, his is a pretty cool phone. I’m pretty jealous. And he’s pretty darn happy, after having the “cheap phone” out of the two of us since we first got cell phones back in 2001. And we also talked and decided that the best thing to do is for me to call my grandma tonight and just tell her that this is the last weekend we have together as a little family before D goes back to school. From then on he’ll be busy every single weekend, even out of town for at least half that time. So I’m sorry if my grandma gets mad, and I do feel bad about cancelling so late. But hopefully she’ll understand. We desperately need this weekend for us. That made D incredibly happy. He’d finally agreed to go with me to my grandma’s, but he was VERY relieved when I told him I was going to call her and tell her we aren’t coming. So now we just have to decide what exactly we’re going to do this weekend. I hope Hailey’s in a good mood tonight, I’m really looking forward to picking her up in 1.5 hrs!! It’s not quite as hot out as it has been I don’t think. If she’s in a good mood I might take her to the park!

oh my god

I just wrote this whole long post, getting all these feelings out, and my internet screwed up and I lost the freaking post.

Don't you just love family??

My grandma called me last night. The first thing out of her mouth..."I just got off the phone with your dad..." Oh jeez. I knew what was coming. "He says you aren't happy with him and don't want to be around him and won't let him ever watch Hailey".... WHAT.THE.F*** I swear, I am so sick of that man. I have never said any of that to him. I haven't even talked to him since the night he called me and told me not to make fun of Jehovah's Witnesses. Which I told my Grandma that pissed me off. He also apparently told my grandma I never call him. Yea, newsflash here people, I DON'T CALL ANYBODY(except my mom)!! I never have, so what on earth has changed to where NOW it's weird, NOW it's personal that I'm not calling them?? I just flat out told my grandma that it has gotten to a point just now, where yea I'm going to start pulling away from the family because I'm sick of all the bullsh*t...I told her my dad is just being melodramatic, I have not talked to him and told him those things, and he needs to quit making it up in his head. And what did she do? Blamed in on my sister. She said whatever A's been telling me is a lie...she said she HAS been telling my dad more than she said she has. If this is the case, well that really pisses me off too, because 1. I don't say the things she supposedly tells him, and 2. even if I did it wouldn't be her place to let him know what I said! When will they all grow up? I don't think things are ever going to change. And my grandma is just like the rest of them. Last night after I flat out told her I don't give a flying crap what goes on in the family anymore, and I'm sorry if that sounds bad but I just don't care...she still kept talking about it. HELLO, I DON'T CARE. I don't care who hurts who, who said what, who cheated on who, who's in jail, who's in the hospital for some overly exxagerated illness...none of it. I don't care anymore. They can all be psycho and dramatic together, but I don't want any part of it. And of course...the one weekend lately that D has absolutely NOTHING going on...I have to go to my grandma's Sunday. Probably to hear more drama. SIGH And of course, D won't go with me. Because like I said, he won't spend time around my family.

Speaking of family, my MIL is coming over tonight. To see what I've done w/ the scrapbook. Which isn't a whole lot, because I don't have any pictures to put in it! When she told me a while back she was planning to buy it for us, she said she's printed a ton of wedding photos(we own the copyright, she bought it from the photographer!) and I could pick which ones I wanted. Well anytime I mention that now, she changes the subject. So I'm a bit sad...I have no way of printing any photos, for the wedding book or for Hailey's. The Kodak Easyshare printer is so hit and miss about working, plus it takes forever to print just one photo and all you can print is 4x6 or smaller. And we have no ink for our nice printer/scanner/copier and no money to go buy ink. :o( So instead of working on the scrapbooks lately I've been re-reading the 6th Harry Potter book before I start on #7. I know, I'm hurrying Mom of 2!!!

Well that's about it. Hailey was pretty sassy last night, threw a couple tantrums. One because she didn't want to leave the house. Then we went to a used children's store(where I sold the Takealong swing she always hated and a snowsuit she never wore, for 22$!!!) and she threw one because she didn't want to leave the play area there. Then another one in Halmark where we went for her to pick my mom out a card for her birthday. She even threw puzzle pieces in Halmark. Then she grabbed their nice packages of candy and went crazy, throwing them all on the floor. Oh God it was embarrassing. Oh and she kept trying to bite my shoulder out of sheer frustration and anger. And then we got home, and she was fine. She said a couple new things. Of coures now I can't remember half of it...but I do remember when we left the sitter's she said "see ya!"

I can't believe it's already Thursday. This week has flown by. Thank God!

Lightening the mood

Ok so I need something bright and cheery after yesterday's DOWNER of a post. Inspired by Girl From Florida , I will post a funny/cute picture of Hailey. If you read my last post and stayed around, well you deserve this...just keep in mind I'm not too keen on showing her face :o)

Yes, that is the Kittie Cube on her head...she dives headfirst in and then walks around laughing hysterically...she definately has my sense of humor...

Men suck

Ok it's time for honesty. Some days are ok. Most aren't. If D and I didn't have Hailey, I would probably divorce him. He's a bad husband. Aside from the rare occassion of helping out around the house, he doesn't do anything to help out. It might be different if I were a SAHM and he worked full time, but it's the opposite. He only works about 1 to 2 hrs. a day, late in the evening. The rest of his day is spent sleeping in and the playing golf because right now "golf is his job." He plays golf to get a scholarship to school. Which is all fine and dandy, except he doesn't need it. His grandparents and parents would pay for his school if he didn't have the scholarship. He went back to college to play golf, not the other way around. He's not playing to go to school, he's going to school to play. The only time's he does something around the house, I've found a hidden agenda. As in he wants something in return. Something that I have no desire to give him. Who would want to with a husband like mine? He gets annoyed when I call him during the day. He still doesn't have anything to do with most of Hailey's care. He did put her to sleep 2 times this weekend. Which made him feel very good. He is working on his relationship with her. The problem is, he's not working on his relationship with me. He doesn't think there's a problem. And because he doesn't think there's a problem, well that means there's no problem! He's very selfish and self centered like that. If he doesn't think something is "fun," well then he won't do it. He'll never go to any of my family's houses, or talk to any of them on the phone. He doesn't answer the phone when my dad calls. I make an effort to be friends with his mom. Lately I've been griping to her about our money situation. Which is bad. Because of D. And he just doesn't get it. In the last 2 years, it's continually gotten worse, and he just doesn't get it. Either that or he doesn't give a crap. He gets to have all the fun in life while I'm over here working 40 hrs a week, doing all the housework, paying all the bills, stressing about what money we don't have. And then he comes home and wants loving. Yea freaking right. So that's an issue now. Because I just want to go to bed, I don't want to spend time with him. It's gotten to the point where I know I love him, but I really don't think I like him anymore. He never does anything with me. We fought on our anniversary trip. I don't even try to spend time with him anymore, because I know it's a lost cause. He's not cheating on me. He says he still loves me. Without knowing him, it's hard to understand. This is just how he is. If he doesn't think there's a problem, then there isn't. He thinks our relationship is fine. He thinks he loves me. I don't see how on earth he loves me, when he treats me the way he does. He hangs up on me for calling him one too many times and bugging him...then he calls me to tell me he loves me, only to yell at me some more for calling him a handful of times in one day. He doesn't ever want to talk to me on the phone. I really do not see how he can possibly love me. That is not love. I feel like crap all the time, because of this. I have a horrible husband. Yes I have tried talking to him, and that doesn't get us anywhere because like I have said, he doesn't think there's a problem. Even when I'm having a "good" day, this issue is still there in the background making me feel like crap. I don't let Hailey see it bother me. And the thing that really bothers me is I swore to myself that this wouldn't happen. My mom and dad divorced when I was 3, split up when I was only 1. He was a horrible person. And still is, to a certain degree. I swore up and down I would give my kids a better life. A father that loved them and loved me. A great family. It's so unfortunate that I got pregnant. I wouldn't trade Hailey for anything in the world, she's the best thing in my life! But we did not plan on having her, I didn't plan on having her with him. We had JUST moved in together. If we'd been able to live together for a while, and I could have seen what I know now, I would have kicked him out. But of course then I wouldn't have Hailey. In no way do I wish she wasn't here. But I do wish sometimes that someone else was her daddy, which makes me so sad. If D would just quit being so self centered he would be a good husband. I just can't help but feel like he's not going to change. I kept telling myself things will be different when he gets out of school, but I don't see how. I feel like this relationship is just getting worse and worse. I just keep pulling farther and farther away, because I was putting in all this effort and getting nowhere. He likes our life right now, where he has no responsibility whatsoever. He doesn't see any problems except for one, which I am not fixing til he fixes the major problems. I can't pretend to have a shiny happy marriage. I know I've griped about him before, but I hate this feeling inside that I'm holding all this crap in and nobody knows how I really feel. My mom knows I'm giving him another year, and if he doesn't shape up I'm ditching him. And now writing this, I feel like I don't want to post it. Why am I so afraid to admit all this??? A friend of mine is going through sort of the same situation, except her husband DID cheat on her. So she left him and is getting a divorce. And I can't even confide to her that I have these problems. Why is it so hard to admit? I want so bad to have a marriage like tons of other people I know have. I want so bad to have a husband that's not immature and self centered and cares about his family and not just himself. ???? What the hell am I supposed to do? I feel like I have no options. I'm just tired of worrying about my marriage and money. I don't want Hailey to have the life I did!! And this is the real reason why I decided to put off having another baby. Things have been getting worse over time. No way am I bringing another baby into this mix. Yes, I don't know what is going to happen w/ him getting a job after college next summer. Yes, I don't know if we'll be moving or not. But, I also failed to mention that I don't know if I want to stay with D or not. That's the big reason right there. The moving isn't that big of a deal. It's the rest of it. I can only hope things will get better from here on out, instead of worse like they have been. It's just getting harder and harder to deal with all this by myself. I just feel like no guy will ever treat me the way I deserve to be treated. My dad never did, my husband isn't...and I don't know what's so wrong with me that I deserve to be treated this way.