Friday, August 10, 2007


I have no social skills. The problem with this is, I’m not one of those people that doesn’t realize they have no social skills and can go about their life thinking they rock. I KNOW I have no social skills, therefore I feel pretty uncomfortable in social situations where I don’t know the people very well. I always feel like I’m the oddball. I say the wrong things at the wrong times. I gesture with my hands at the wrong times while I’m talking. It’s so weird, to KNOW I’m doing these things and KNOW they make me feel like a complete nerd, and not be able to change/control them! And it’s even weirder when I have a rare moment where I say and do everything right, where I can think of just the right things to say and people don’t look at me like I’m annoying…and I feel great, like “wow Erin, good job, pat on the back!!” Then I turn right around and say something stupid and ruin the whole “cool” feeling. I’m not a nerd, really. I have problems thinking sometimes. Like just now, there’s a word I’m trying to think of that I cannot think of for the life of me. It’s right there on the tip of my tongue, but yet it’s like I’ve never heard the word before in my life. This happens to me ALL THE TIME. Or I’ll mix words up. Or first letters of words. I think the connections in my brain are all crisscrossed or something. I ALWAYS call McDonald’s “Walmart”…I have no idea why. It’s incredibly frustrating. I’m thinking McDonald’s in my head but it comes out a different word. That happens with a lot of words. And letters too…the other day I couldn’t say Hailey and Caden in the same sentence. Caden is her best friend. I was trying to tell my mom something. It would always come out Haden and Cailey. Even if I tried to say them one at a time. I eventually gave up and just went on without saying names. I don’t know what the deal is! I also have problems with things like getting from point A to point B in my own town. Before I moved to the South side of town, I never really went there much except to look at the pretty Christmas lights in this rich neighborhood with really interesting houses or to shop. I could never take anybody to any of those places myself, because even though I’d been there how many times, I couldn’t connect the roads together in my head to figure out how to get there. I would think about it forever and it never made sense. Then D would take us and it would seem so easy and I’d think…”Why in the world couldn’t I figure this out??” It’s not that I just don’t know where I’m going. I do. I’ve lived in this town practically my whole life. It’s that same feeling I get when I’m trying to talk sometimes…like things just aren’t connecting in my head right. Is that what being dyslexic is like?? It’s getting to the point where it’s affecting my life a bit. I can’t remember what days I’ve made plans to do what. I’ll have this nagging feeling that I was supposed to do something on Wednesday, and I’ll never remember what it was…was I supposed to call somebody? Pick up my heart pills? (Oh yea, I need to do that TONIGHT! I’m out again…) Was somebody coming over? The only thing I can keep 100% straight is Hailey. For a long time I attributed my problems to Mommy Brain. But the truth is, this was going on long before Hailey was even conceived. It started to get really bad when I started highschool and as the years go on it’s just getting worse. Sometimes I feel like I’m falling apart. I’m incredibly optimistic about dealing with all my “issues” and still living a very happy and fulfilling life, so that’s good. But I just can’t believe all these problems I seem to have, and I’m worried about passing them on to my kids. I’m hoping by giving my kids a good up-bringing I can over-ride the bad genes I’ve passed on to them!! Does that work?? I know already that Hailey has my anger issues, that’s apparent. And I think we’re dealing with that well. She’s just a toddler so we’ll have to wait and see if she has the depression issues like I do, going through the highs and lows. Does OCD pass on? God I hope not. I’ve really tired to curb that problem now that she’s getting older, because I don’t want her to pick up on my weird quirks. I’m not sure how that all works. The problem with me is, I have all these issues, physical and emotional, and I don’t know much about any of them. I’ve always just tried to ignore the problem, deal with it as best as I could, and for the most part act like I'm perfectly fine. But now that I have Hailey these problems are really frustrating, because aside from my hip problem that I researched in full while I was pregnant because of the strong chance of me passing it on to Hailey, I don’t know enough about them to know how to deal with them properly and make sure I know what to watch out for with her, like warning signs etc…I don’t know what has the potential to be passed on genetically or just from a learned behavior from watching me. And I don’t have the time nor the money to go to all these different doctors to figure it all out, which is incredibly frustrating. And I know plenty of people see psychologists or psychiatrists or whatever, but going to one myself somehow feels like I’ve failed. Like admitting finally to the world that I’m messed up and can’t handle it on my own. I think moreso than that, I would feel like I was finally admitting I’m just like the rest of my family on my dad’s side…they are all majorly screwed up, like trying to kill themselves and on all kinds of antidepressants(there is nothing wrong with this if you need it, don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of THOSE people…) when I don’t think they really need them, fighting w/ each other all the time, not working and on disability for made up problems and issues, they just all have really bad lives, they FEED off of drama. Even though I know I’m not like them, I want SO BAD for people not to see me as being like them that I try to act the complete opposite, like I have no issues whatsoever and I’m completely normal and nothing like them.

And here we are, I have rambled on a long paragraph about how messed up I am, and do you know what we’ve accomplished???? I’ve FINALLY remember the word I couldn’t think of. Inadequate. My social skills are inadequate. Wait. Maybe that’s not the right word, because it doesn’t work in the context I needed to use it in. Crap. Here we go again!! Socially inept? Does that make sense? Is that even a word?? Jeez. Ok I’ll stop rambling now. I just feel like I’m the only “normal” person in this world with issues. And I’m incredibly frustrated not knowing how to handle all this.

Despite all the crap I just wrote, I really am having a good day so far and in good spirits. It’s Friday, yay! A whole weekend w/ Hailey! She was extra clingy again this morning, and I was loving it to be honest. I miss her horribly every second I’m away from her. I’m hating this working mom thing more and more every day, and I’m feeling very positive about working towards my goal of being a SAHM one of these days.

Ok I'm tired of blogging for now.

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