Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Ok it's time for honesty. Some days are ok. Most aren't. If D and I didn't have Hailey, I would probably divorce him. He's a bad husband. Aside from the rare occassion of helping out around the house, he doesn't do anything to help out. It might be different if I were a SAHM and he worked full time, but it's the opposite. He only works about 1 to 2 hrs. a day, late in the evening. The rest of his day is spent sleeping in and the playing golf because right now "golf is his job." He plays golf to get a scholarship to school. Which is all fine and dandy, except he doesn't need it. His grandparents and parents would pay for his school if he didn't have the scholarship. He went back to college to play golf, not the other way around. He's not playing to go to school, he's going to school to play. The only time's he does something around the house, I've found a hidden agenda. As in he wants something in return. Something that I have no desire to give him. Who would want to with a husband like mine? He gets annoyed when I call him during the day. He still doesn't have anything to do with most of Hailey's care. He did put her to sleep 2 times this weekend. Which made him feel very good. He is working on his relationship with her. The problem is, he's not working on his relationship with me. He doesn't think there's a problem. And because he doesn't think there's a problem, well that means there's no problem! He's very selfish and self centered like that. If he doesn't think something is "fun," well then he won't do it. He'll never go to any of my family's houses, or talk to any of them on the phone. He doesn't answer the phone when my dad calls. I make an effort to be friends with his mom. Lately I've been griping to her about our money situation. Which is bad. Because of D. And he just doesn't get it. In the last 2 years, it's continually gotten worse, and he just doesn't get it. Either that or he doesn't give a crap. He gets to have all the fun in life while I'm over here working 40 hrs a week, doing all the housework, paying all the bills, stressing about what money we don't have. And then he comes home and wants loving. Yea freaking right. So that's an issue now. Because I just want to go to bed, I don't want to spend time with him. It's gotten to the point where I know I love him, but I really don't think I like him anymore. He never does anything with me. We fought on our anniversary trip. I don't even try to spend time with him anymore, because I know it's a lost cause. He's not cheating on me. He says he still loves me. Without knowing him, it's hard to understand. This is just how he is. If he doesn't think there's a problem, then there isn't. He thinks our relationship is fine. He thinks he loves me. I don't see how on earth he loves me, when he treats me the way he does. He hangs up on me for calling him one too many times and bugging him...then he calls me to tell me he loves me, only to yell at me some more for calling him a handful of times in one day. He doesn't ever want to talk to me on the phone. I really do not see how he can possibly love me. That is not love. I feel like crap all the time, because of this. I have a horrible husband. Yes I have tried talking to him, and that doesn't get us anywhere because like I have said, he doesn't think there's a problem. Even when I'm having a "good" day, this issue is still there in the background making me feel like crap. I don't let Hailey see it bother me. And the thing that really bothers me is I swore to myself that this wouldn't happen. My mom and dad divorced when I was 3, split up when I was only 1. He was a horrible person. And still is, to a certain degree. I swore up and down I would give my kids a better life. A father that loved them and loved me. A great family. It's so unfortunate that I got pregnant. I wouldn't trade Hailey for anything in the world, she's the best thing in my life! But we did not plan on having her, I didn't plan on having her with him. We had JUST moved in together. If we'd been able to live together for a while, and I could have seen what I know now, I would have kicked him out. But of course then I wouldn't have Hailey. In no way do I wish she wasn't here. But I do wish sometimes that someone else was her daddy, which makes me so sad. If D would just quit being so self centered he would be a good husband. I just can't help but feel like he's not going to change. I kept telling myself things will be different when he gets out of school, but I don't see how. I feel like this relationship is just getting worse and worse. I just keep pulling farther and farther away, because I was putting in all this effort and getting nowhere. He likes our life right now, where he has no responsibility whatsoever. He doesn't see any problems except for one, which I am not fixing til he fixes the major problems. I can't pretend to have a shiny happy marriage. I know I've griped about him before, but I hate this feeling inside that I'm holding all this crap in and nobody knows how I really feel. My mom knows I'm giving him another year, and if he doesn't shape up I'm ditching him. And now writing this, I feel like I don't want to post it. Why am I so afraid to admit all this??? A friend of mine is going through sort of the same situation, except her husband DID cheat on her. So she left him and is getting a divorce. And I can't even confide to her that I have these problems. Why is it so hard to admit? I want so bad to have a marriage like tons of other people I know have. I want so bad to have a husband that's not immature and self centered and cares about his family and not just himself. ???? What the hell am I supposed to do? I feel like I have no options. I'm just tired of worrying about my marriage and money. I don't want Hailey to have the life I did!! And this is the real reason why I decided to put off having another baby. Things have been getting worse over time. No way am I bringing another baby into this mix. Yes, I don't know what is going to happen w/ him getting a job after college next summer. Yes, I don't know if we'll be moving or not. But, I also failed to mention that I don't know if I want to stay with D or not. That's the big reason right there. The moving isn't that big of a deal. It's the rest of it. I can only hope things will get better from here on out, instead of worse like they have been. It's just getting harder and harder to deal with all this by myself. I just feel like no guy will ever treat me the way I deserve to be treated. My dad never did, my husband isn't...and I don't know what's so wrong with me that I deserve to be treated this way.