Thursday, August 30, 2007

This and that

It’s been one of those days…

First off, this whole baby thing has be in a bit of a bad mood. I went to see new baby W last night. He wasn’t in the room when I got there, they were suctioning him out some more since he was having problems getting all the mucous out. I didn’t mind, I was there to see my sister in law just as much as I was there to see the baby. I talked to her for a while, asking how she’s doing etc. My in-laws were there. I think that’s what really started it. They were being so incredibly annoying. They were getting my nephew (who’s 2 and ½ yrs.) all riled up and making him scream. It just irritated me how disrespectful they were being to the other moms in the hospital who were probably trying to get some rest. And my sister in law had been through enough, she shouldn’t have to keep getting onto her oldest son repeatedly…she just didn’t need that. But my in-laws weren’t thinking about her at all, all they cared about was the baby. Then the baby talk started. It drives me up the WALL how instead of talking correctly, they call things what W calls them. For instance, he calls dogs “gogs,” so instead of saying “do you want to go see the dogs?” they say “let’s go see the gogs!!” Hello, that’s not teaching him anything. He’s 2 and a half and he can’t speak a single full sentence, and while this is normal for some children I’m starting to see that it may be quite a while before he starts to talk with the examples he gets from my in-laws! You have to understand…he’s with them ALL THE TIME. But that’s a whole other story. Anyway, so they start asking him if he wants some “Cocket Mulk”…in proper English, “chocolate milk”…it drove me up the wall to hear them repeat the mispronounced words to him OVER and OVER. I’m sorry if that seems petty, but these people are so odd and I cannot stress how hard it is to spend any time around them at all without acting pissy. As if that wasn’t bad enough, when my sister in law was finally feeding the baby she said to me “I’ll hurry with this so you can finally hold him Erin”…and my mother in law exploded…”ERIN, why ERIN, what about ME!?!?!” I looked at her with a look of shock on my face. She is the most immature 50-something year old woman I have ever met. I sternly told her that I had not even SEEN the baby yet, let alone held him. She said “Well I’ve only held him for like 3 minutes!!” Ok she’d been there all morning. The woman is just nuts. I really try to get along with her, really try to tolerate her, LIKE her even, but it’s just not working. I told her that was ridiculous, and jokingly said “I will fight you for him you know, I’m pretty sassy!” My brother in law finished feeding the baby while my mother in law whipped out her photo album devoted solely to big brother W, which is another thing that annoys the crap out of me. Do they have an album for Hailey??? Hell no. So my sister in law and I start comparing the 2 boys, noting their differences and similarities. My sister in law pointed out that the outfit big brother W wore home from the hospital was the one I bought him, the very first gift my sister in law ever got when she was pregnant with him. I thought that was very sweet that they picked that outfit as his going home outfit. She asked me what Hailey went home in, and I honestly told her I have no clue. My mother in law blew up again. “You don’t have a CLUE, what do you mean, you don’t REMEMBER?” I told her I didn’t pick out anything special, and we didn’t take pictures or anything of her going home or arriving home like my brother and sister in law did, so I don’t remember. She actually had the nerve to say to me “God, what horrible parents!!” I politely reminded her “You have to understand, I did not WANT a baby, I wasn’t into doing all that cutesy baby memory family crap!” What I really wanted to do, was scream at the top of my lungs “Can I not get it through your thick head that I did not WANT a baby, and that I was not only not giddy about coming home with Hailey but I was on the verge of a BREAKDOWN because of the whole situation!?!?! Do you not remember the grief you caused us in the hospital by calling and screaming/cussing at us over the phone the night before we came home????” etc. etc. Seriously, to this day I think she thinks we planned Hailey. I honestly think she thinks I put on a huge act, how miserable I was and unhappy I was after she was born. She never offered help. She basically ignored the fact that I even existed. All that mattered is that they could drop by last minute at 9:00 at night and see Hailey. And they thought I was incredibly rude when I didn’t sit and converse with them while laughing and smiling. GRRRRRRRRRRR Ok the visit at the hospital yesterday just brought back TONS of bad memories, and tons of horrible feelings of resentment towards my in-laws for making a bad situation even worse for me. As if all that wasn’t enough, when I was getting ready to leave the hospital my mother in law chose THAT time to give my sister in law a huge gift of Bath and Body Works stuff…a special scent she’d gone to great lengths to find and buy, because she knew how much my sister in law loves in. Ok when I was in the hospital after Hailey was born she yelled to my husband on the phone tons of horrible things about me that weren’t true, even going so far as to call me names(all while he’s rocking our newborn daughter mind you, and I’m trying to dr. my horrible swollen hooha) Thanks ma, LOVELY gift. Why does she treat us so differently?? And it was almost like she wanted me to see her give the gift, like rubbing it in my face. I promptly hugged my sister in law, who begged me to come back and keep her company, and left. I went home, got on my sister in law’s email account like she’d asked me to, did a few things for her that needed to be done, esp. w/ the pictures I’d taken for her…and went to bed in a grumpy mood. I woke up this morning tired, but fine. I came to work and was showing a couple of my coworkers the new baby pictures. I was telling them how I was surprised that seeing the baby didn’t make me have the urge to have one of my own like I thought it would. I thought I’d feel jealous of my sister in law and start wanting a baby more than ever. Maybe my in-laws had something to do with me not feeling like that, but anyway, I didn’t feel like that when I left…I was just happy for them and thought he was a cute baby. That’s all. So I was telling my coworker how D and I have been talking lately about when we might try for another baby and how I was glad the visit didn’t make me want another one right now, and my coworker says “Well you don’t need to have another one til D gets a job anyway!!!” I was shocked. And quite pissed to be honest. That is none of her business, and it wasn’t for her to say! I told her that even if we got pregnant now D would have a job before the baby was born, but we’re not trying anytime soon so that didn’t matter!! It really hurt my feelings that she said this. It just added to my feelings that my mother in law had started the night before. Nobody would be happy if we announced the fact that we’re having another baby, no matter when it happened…what is it about us??? It can’t be money…my brother and sister in law are going through bankruptcy for goodness sakes, and my in laws were still overjoyed to hear of the impending arrival!! But if we were to get pregnant…well it’d be the end of the world. Even though this time we’re married, they would still be ashamed. My in-laws bawled, out of sorrow and disappointment, when they found out about Hailey. And they didn’t share the news with ANYBODY like they did when my sister in law was pregnant both times. And I know that’s how it’s going to be with our next one. And it just breaks my heart. The only thing I know to do, is just not care. Just try to focus on us as our own little family…just D, Hailey and I…and worry about us being happy and what’s right for us. And I already decided long ago that the birth of the next baby will be completely different. I gave in last time, and told the in-laws we’d call them when I went to the hospital…because they insisted they would be furious with us if we didn’t. But after all the drama that happened, with them being furious that we called D’s brother before we told the in-laws Hailey was born, because they didn’t like her name or the way it was spelled…after them barging in my room while I was in so much pain and so out of it, and acting like I wasn’t even there while talking bad about what we named her, and them taking pictures while holding her with pissed off looks on their faces…I’m not taking the chance on that happening again. Next time, we will call them after Hailey’s born, after we’ve had time to bond and breastfeed etc. Then they can come and see her, preferably when I’ve moved to my permanent room where there isn’t blood still splattered all over the floor. That just seems like the best thing for us. They will be very mad…but I’m done with caring about their feelings, as they so obviously don’t give a crap about ours.

SO…now that I’ve got that vent out…

It is a beautiful day here!! 84 degrees, sunny…this is the weather I LOVE…it’s starting to feel like fall!! I’m so anxious!! I absolutely love this time of the year! I love being able to open up the windows and air out the house!! There’s nothing like feeling the nice cool breeze flow from room to room. It’s so hard to stay in a cruddy mood with great weather like this!

A secretary at one of the schools sent me some chocolate today. I thought that was very sweet of her! Really brightened my day!!

I’ve finally started reading the last Harry Potter book, YAY!! I’m only on page 45 or so, but so far it’s pretty good.

When my husband called me yesterday (yes, he’s even CALLING me now!!) I recounted to him the story of how I killed the most ginormous spider EVER right outside our front door that very morning, without freaking out and screaming like a little girl. Even though it was resting a mere 10 inches from my daughter’s feet. And I am deathly afraid of spiders. And did I mention how ginormous it was??? I told him how it was WAY bigger than the spider he’d killed the night before. He asked me what kind it was, and that was that. Then he gets home last night. I’m already in bed. He comes in the bedroom, and starts going on and on about how HUGE this spider I killed was, WAY bigger than his spider, and how proud of me he is. I know this whole thing may seem silly…but it really meant a lot to me when he praised me like that! If you’ve read previous posts, you know how my husband is…for him to make a big deal out of something that seemed pretty insignificant to him but was a huge deal for me is not something he ever does…so it really meant a lot to me.

A couple of my old friends from highschool in KS have been posting old pictures of themselves and their friends from their highschool/college years on MySpace. I got out our old photo albums, from ’99 up until about 2004(when life got in the way and I quit having time to actually put pictures in albums) and I realized something…while my friends were all hanging out together in big groups of girls, being silly together and having a blast…I was with D. All the time. I didn’t go to college, so I didn’t have that whole experience. Since my Junior year of highschool, it’s been just me and D for the most part. I mean of course we each have other friends, but ALL the pictures I have from that time period…all those years…are of us. Being silly, having a blast, experiencing life together. I thought maybe I’d feel sad that I didn’t get those years with my friends, that I didn’t have the experiences that they did…but I realized I didn’t feel sad at all…I think it’s so neat that my husband and I have been together so long, and that we’ve been able to experience half our teenage and all of our adult lives together. We’ve got all these inside jokes and memories together…I love it that I share those things with my husband instead of a group of girls I probably won’t have any contact with in a few more years. And it was incredibly neat to see how much we’ve grown up and changed. Hell we’ve seen each other nearly every day for the past 8 years…we don’t notice the changes. But looking at these pictures, WOW we looked like little kids!! We were so cute! I think back to those times, and how I felt…I never would have thought that after all these years we’d still be together, more in love that ever, and married with a little girl. I realized all over again how lucky I am…these past couple years I’ve been worrying and complaining so much, but what the hell am I complaining about? I have my dream…I’m married to my best friend and I have a wonderful little girl! I’m not un-lucky at all!

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