So, I'm jealous...

Ok, so last year D and I had decided we'd start trying for another baby in Dec. 07. We told people. Some were happy, my mom wasn't. My friend that already has 2 kids that I've known since birth (she has a house, and a husband that makes good money, and she's a SAHM--hello, that's MY life she's living!) decided it would be really fun to be pregnant together so she convinced her husband to have a 3rd and said they'd start trying in December as well. I wasn't so happy about that, because what if our plans changed? And I know this might sound self centered or whatever, but my first pregnancy was so unplanned and everyone was VERY unhappy about it...not to mention my sister in law was pregnant at the same time...so I never got to enjoy my first pregnancy and have everyone make a big fuss over me! I hid it for as long as I could, I was totally ashamed even up until I had her. If my friend was pregnant at the same time, she would share some of my spotlight this time. I know that sounds really immature...I can't help it. Well anyway, as everyone knows, our plans DID change. We realized that D would be in school longer than we thought to finish his degree...and we realized we really really want a house. We rent a decent place, it's a decent size, we actually really like it. But it is a townhouse, we are connected to another unit on one side. We want our own house that we can customize and call our own(with more room preferably!). We also want to enjoy Hailey a little longer! Let her be the baby for a couple more years. So I told everybody we'd decided to wait. My mom was relieved. Others didn't really care either way. My friend and her husband kept their plans to try in December. So last month when she emailed me and said she thought she was pregnant because she was late, but it turned out she wasn't...I felt bad but I was relieved. Then she emailed me this morning...she's pregnant. And I am SO happy for her. Really I am. I promise. I can't wait to go through this with her again and see what her next one looks like and see if she'll finally get her little boy that she wants. I really, truly am so excited for her! Seriously! But...at the same time even though if I did get pregnant right now I would be really unhappy...I can't help but feeling jealous. That was supposed to be me! And it would have been SO neat to have been pregnant together, now that I think about it...it's what we always planned and dreamed of when we were little girls. To be pregnant together and have our kids be best friends just like we were. Hailey and her youngest are 9 months apart. They like each other but it's still not the same, not what we dreamed of. So, I'm going through a whole range of emotions right now. Wishing it was me, glad it's not, jealousy, excitement, happiness, jealousy, jealousy, oh and did I mention jealousy? Yea...

I know it'll happen one of these days. I just hope my husband's career choice is really that important to him. I'm putting my dreams on hold for him to be happy. I've changed everything about my adult life to accommodate him. He had better make it worth it in the end!

It probably doesn't help that another friend's girlfriend had her c-section today and D went to see the baby(I can't, obviously, because I'm sick)...everybody's having babies or getting pregnant lately :o) It's just so weird. I don't want to be pregnant right now. Seriously. I had a scare last month and I almost threw up thinking about being pregnant right now. It's NOT want I want! But I'm still jealous...does that make ANY sense? Or am I just crazy???

Envy

Friday after I picked Hailey up from school I stopped by my friend S's house. She's the one that runs the home daycare in the same neighborhood as Hailey's school...she's also the one I've been friends with since birth. Our mom's were best friends as kids as well. Anyway...I stopped by her house. She was updating me on her 2 friends that I know who are pregnant. She asked me if we we're still planning on trying in December. I told her I didn't know for sure, but most likely not. Ok, a little background for those of you who don't know:
Back a few months ago, I had told her we were going to try in December...just like I told my mom and my in-laws, and my sister in law. Well, then we decided to wait longer...so I told my mom and my in-laws we were going to wait, and their reaction was "Thank God." My in-laws had that reaction because of financial reasons. We're not rich. Apparently rich people are the only people that should have kids. My mom had that reaction because she's infatuated with Hailey, and doesn't want another grandkid right now (just like she didn't want a grandkid when I was pregnant with Hailey--but she's now obsessed, of course)...but also because we don't know what D's job situation will be like yet. Fastforward to present day. We know the things holding us back, but that doesn't change the fact that we still want another baby. We would still like to start trying the first part of next year. We know we should wait til we know something concrete about his job situation. And yes some people will think we're stupid for not waiting. But everything's always ok. We always get through, we always make things work. We're not poor. Even if he can't get a really good paying job right away, after he graduates, he'll still be working and we'll still be fine! SO, anyway...I had told my friend back then that we were going to try in December...she told me she wanted another one, but her husband didn't. My next visit with her, about a month later, she told me she'd convinced him to have another one and they may start trying the same time as we were. Over the next month, we decide not to try so soon, but I don't tell her this. Ok, so back to Friday's visit...
So I tell her we're not sure when we'll try, and I tell her the reaction his parents and my mom had when we told them we were waiting...and what does she tell me?? "Well I'm off the pill. We're hoping to get pregnant in January." Seriously, I just wanted to burst into tears. They're financially set. They own a house. She stays home with the kids and does home daycare. They can have how many kids they want whenever they want. But I didn't dream she'd do that to me. I'm sure I'm just looking at it wrong. I'm sure she thought it would be really neat for us to finally be pregnant together like we'd always dreamed and have our kids be the same age like we were so they can be best friends too. But all I could think was how crappy the whole situation is. We were so excited to try in December. Then we realized we should probably wait. Our families were relieved, much to our dismay. And now we want to try the first part of the year, knowing our families are NOT going to be happy...it's like she stole my plan, my happy exciting plan right out from under me. Everyone will be overjoyed for them. She'll be pregnant when I wanted to be. It's going to be a constant reminder of what I can't have. She's my best friend. I should be happy for her. And I am, but I'm mostly jealous, and envious, and pretty resentful as well. We did have a good rest of the night, we went out to eat with our 3 girls, had a good conversation while the girls acted like kids--it's so nice to have someone to hang out with and go out to eat with that has kids, where we sit and actually have a conversation while ignoring our kids showing each other their food and giggling etc.
Then I get to work this morning. Preggo is in my office talking to me. My boss walks up, her face all red. Right away I knew something wasn't right. I asked her what was wrong. She made small talk and I asked her how her trip went. Finally the conversation lulled, and she stood there, and finally she patted her tummy. Yea. I am really excited for her. Her son is 2 months older than Hailey. We have been joking for a few months now that we both need another baby. I've noticed she's been off, for quite a while now. I talked to my other coworker about what might be wrong...I may have even blogged about how she's been acting different and I was scared something was up. But that's what's been wrong. I wondered, since Friday she left for a dr. appointment. It just popped into my head, hm I wonder if she is... Yep I was right. Yes I am happy for her. Yes I feel bad that she is SO sick with this one like she was with her first. But yes, I am also jealous and envious. And it's a constant reminder every day now. She's my boss, my office is right across from hers. I get to watch her slowly expanding waistline every day now. And be jealous that she's the one puking and not me. How messed up is that??

Weekend recap

I didn't have anything to blog about this weekend. It was just a normal weekend. Saturday Hailey slept in til 10:00, such a wonderful daughter! My sister called as I was getting ready to leave the house and wanted me to meet her and my cousin for lunch, so I took Hailey to my mom's to spend some good quality time and I went to lunch without her!! I can't believe I did it, but you know what, it was nice for a change to be able to sit and eat and not have to worry about her wanting out of her seat or grimy hands being wiped all over me or grabing food off my plate. Eating out with her is a frenzy, unless we go to Ruby Tuesday's and then she's not so bad. She loves looking out their huge windows and will sit still for their huge salad bar, she LOOOOOOOVES salad. Anyway, after lunch we went to a local Tattoo place/art gallery and got quotes for the tattoos we want to get. My sister and I want to get matching tattoos. We've wanted to for years and years, since before either of us was even of age, but we could never figure out what. Wendy and her sister got matching flowers (daisy's I believe?) and that got me thinking...a cherry blossom popped into my head. The meaning of the flower really hits home for my sister and I...it's supposed to remind you how fragile and short yet how beautiful life is. The only thing stopping us now is money and the fact that my husband "respects me for NOT having a tattoo." The money thing is no big deal. The fact that my husband would be disappointed in me if I get one...well that one complicates things a little. This is something we've wanted to do since before I even met him. Do I go ahead with it and just try again to explain to him what it means to me? Or do I chicken out and say oh never mind? I thought I'd be fine just saying oh forget it, but I keep thinking about it. I don't want a tattoo because everybody else has one...actually that makes me NOT want to get one. I want one for what it symbolizes...that bond between my sister and I that has always been there through thick and then, no matter what happened...and the symbol itself, the cherry blossom. So I don't know what to do on that one. I'm thinking I'm going to do it anyway. I love my husband to pieces, he is my other half...but I have to do things for myself once in a while. I can't completely live for other people. SO, we'll see...

For anyone interested, here is the meaning: (ignore all the stuff about Japan and Samurai Warriors...it's the basic symbolism that means something to us)

Cherry Blossom Tattoo - More often than not, when cherry blossoms appear in tattoo artwork, they do not appear alone. That sometimes seems a shame, for two reasons: their appearance and their meaning. The delicate and subtle beauty of these small blossoms is easily overwhelmed by the large and ornate Japanese sleeves, backpieces, and body suits in which they typically float as backdrop elements . Even so, the centuries old Japanese tattoo tradition from which they spring, and where they are still firmly rooted, has essentially formalized their use in that way. But while their ability to stand alone as design elements may have been circumscribed by custom, their powerful symbolism has taken on a life of its own. As Motoori Norinaga, noted Japanese scholar of the 18th century, wrote in a poem, “If I were asked to define the spirit of Japan, I would call it the blossom of the mountain cherry, scattering its scent in the morning sun.” For the Japanese, the beautiful period of its flowering and then the all too soon fading and subsequent scattering of petals on the wind, symbolizes life itself - but not life in some abstract and distant sense. The fragility of the cherry blossom is the fragility of human existence; its brief period of life, like our own; its implacable movement toward death, indifferent to the good things of this world, is the ideal death for a samurai warrior; and finally, its individual and perfect beauty is also ours. Poignant for some but hopeful for others, the symbolism of this staple in tattoo artwork seems almost more than a single flower could bear. However, like powerful tattoo symbols everywhere, it seems to shoulder the burden naturally.


Anyway, on to the rest of the weekend...Sunday morning I woke up at 10. Hailey was still sleeping! Did I mention the fact that I have a WONDERFUL little girl??? I was wide awake, so I got up and made some blueberry muffins with tons of blueberries. Hailey woke up just as they were coming out of the oven. I asked her if she wanted a yummy muffin and she nodded enthusiastically and said "YEA!" She ate two! My sister came over and we went down to my grandma's for dinner with the family. Hailey was great the whole time, letting everybody play with her. She went to sleep at 6:00 on the way home, and after trying unsuccessfully to get her woken up when we got home I finally put her to bed at 8:00. She woke up at 7:30 am yesterday. Yesterday afternoon I got a migraine, but I got over that eventually and the rest of the day was fine. We spent the day with my mom. We all took a 2 hour nap in the afternoon. Nice lazy day. Unfortunately it was hot, in the 90's again, BOO! But this weekend it's supposed to be a high of 80!!! SO looking forward to that.

D and I have been talking some more about the new baby plans. We've both come to the conclusion that we'll just wait and see how things work out over the next few months or so, and when the time seems right we'll go for it. We're not in any hurry. So it may be December like we'd originally planned, much to the dismay of our families...or it may be next summer, who knows. We're really enjoying the whole "planning" phase, since we didn't get to do that with Hailey. Everything is so fun this time around. We've already started talking about names. You have to understand, the whole name thing was a big issue for us when I was pregnant with Hailey. He didn't like any of my names, I didn't like any of his...boy or girl, either one. We just didn't see eye to eye. We finally settled on my favorite girl name for her middle name, and we found a name we both didn't dislike, but I didn't LOVE...one that didn't remind us of anything or anybody else. And we just went with that. It wasn't until Hailey was a good 3 months old or maybe even longer that I really saw her as "Hailey"...it never fit, until then. This time we've got the advantage of having a head start, and we're loving it. It's so fun to throw names around, even though we aren't even pregnant yet. We want to really like the next name. We're going to start going through the name book soon and writing names down. It's funny, we're kind of doing this in reverse. Isn't it usually your first baby who you plan excessively for? Who has a fully filled out baby book, complete record of "firsts," and albums upon albums full of chronologically ordered pictures?? Since Hailey was so unplanned, and we didn't want a baby at the time, we didn't do any of that. Her baby book is half filled out. I don't know any of her firsts, just general ideas of when things happened. We never even ordered any of her newborn pictures. It all breaks my heart now, to think about all that. I know it sounds bad, but it's like Hailey has been our "practice" baby and now that we have all the basic care things worked out we can put more energy into all the fun stuff with this next baby. It's exciting!

This and that

It’s been one of those days…

First off, this whole baby thing has be in a bit of a bad mood. I went to see new baby W last night. He wasn’t in the room when I got there, they were suctioning him out some more since he was having problems getting all the mucous out. I didn’t mind, I was there to see my sister in law just as much as I was there to see the baby. I talked to her for a while, asking how she’s doing etc. My in-laws were there. I think that’s what really started it. They were being so incredibly annoying. They were getting my nephew (who’s 2 and ½ yrs.) all riled up and making him scream. It just irritated me how disrespectful they were being to the other moms in the hospital who were probably trying to get some rest. And my sister in law had been through enough, she shouldn’t have to keep getting onto her oldest son repeatedly…she just didn’t need that. But my in-laws weren’t thinking about her at all, all they cared about was the baby. Then the baby talk started. It drives me up the WALL how instead of talking correctly, they call things what W calls them. For instance, he calls dogs “gogs,” so instead of saying “do you want to go see the dogs?” they say “let’s go see the gogs!!” Hello, that’s not teaching him anything. He’s 2 and a half and he can’t speak a single full sentence, and while this is normal for some children I’m starting to see that it may be quite a while before he starts to talk with the examples he gets from my in-laws! You have to understand…he’s with them ALL THE TIME. But that’s a whole other story. Anyway, so they start asking him if he wants some “Cocket Mulk”…in proper English, “chocolate milk”…it drove me up the wall to hear them repeat the mispronounced words to him OVER and OVER. I’m sorry if that seems petty, but these people are so odd and I cannot stress how hard it is to spend any time around them at all without acting pissy. As if that wasn’t bad enough, when my sister in law was finally feeding the baby she said to me “I’ll hurry with this so you can finally hold him Erin”…and my mother in law exploded…”ERIN, why ERIN, what about ME!?!?!” I looked at her with a look of shock on my face. She is the most immature 50-something year old woman I have ever met. I sternly told her that I had not even SEEN the baby yet, let alone held him. She said “Well I’ve only held him for like 3 minutes!!” Ok she’d been there all morning. The woman is just nuts. I really try to get along with her, really try to tolerate her, LIKE her even, but it’s just not working. I told her that was ridiculous, and jokingly said “I will fight you for him you know, I’m pretty sassy!” My brother in law finished feeding the baby while my mother in law whipped out her photo album devoted solely to big brother W, which is another thing that annoys the crap out of me. Do they have an album for Hailey??? Hell no. So my sister in law and I start comparing the 2 boys, noting their differences and similarities. My sister in law pointed out that the outfit big brother W wore home from the hospital was the one I bought him, the very first gift my sister in law ever got when she was pregnant with him. I thought that was very sweet that they picked that outfit as his going home outfit. She asked me what Hailey went home in, and I honestly told her I have no clue. My mother in law blew up again. “You don’t have a CLUE, what do you mean, you don’t REMEMBER?” I told her I didn’t pick out anything special, and we didn’t take pictures or anything of her going home or arriving home like my brother and sister in law did, so I don’t remember. She actually had the nerve to say to me “God, what horrible parents!!” I politely reminded her “You have to understand, I did not WANT a baby, I wasn’t into doing all that cutesy baby memory family crap!” What I really wanted to do, was scream at the top of my lungs “Can I not get it through your thick head that I did not WANT a baby, and that I was not only not giddy about coming home with Hailey but I was on the verge of a BREAKDOWN because of the whole situation!?!?! Do you not remember the grief you caused us in the hospital by calling and screaming/cussing at us over the phone the night before we came home????” etc. etc. Seriously, to this day I think she thinks we planned Hailey. I honestly think she thinks I put on a huge act, how miserable I was and unhappy I was after she was born. She never offered help. She basically ignored the fact that I even existed. All that mattered is that they could drop by last minute at 9:00 at night and see Hailey. And they thought I was incredibly rude when I didn’t sit and converse with them while laughing and smiling. GRRRRRRRRRRR Ok the visit at the hospital yesterday just brought back TONS of bad memories, and tons of horrible feelings of resentment towards my in-laws for making a bad situation even worse for me. As if all that wasn’t enough, when I was getting ready to leave the hospital my mother in law chose THAT time to give my sister in law a huge gift of Bath and Body Works stuff…a special scent she’d gone to great lengths to find and buy, because she knew how much my sister in law loves in. Ok when I was in the hospital after Hailey was born she yelled to my husband on the phone tons of horrible things about me that weren’t true, even going so far as to call me names(all while he’s rocking our newborn daughter mind you, and I’m trying to dr. my horrible swollen hooha) Thanks ma, LOVELY gift. Why does she treat us so differently?? And it was almost like she wanted me to see her give the gift, like rubbing it in my face. I promptly hugged my sister in law, who begged me to come back and keep her company, and left. I went home, got on my sister in law’s email account like she’d asked me to, did a few things for her that needed to be done, esp. w/ the pictures I’d taken for her…and went to bed in a grumpy mood. I woke up this morning tired, but fine. I came to work and was showing a couple of my coworkers the new baby pictures. I was telling them how I was surprised that seeing the baby didn’t make me have the urge to have one of my own like I thought it would. I thought I’d feel jealous of my sister in law and start wanting a baby more than ever. Maybe my in-laws had something to do with me not feeling like that, but anyway, I didn’t feel like that when I left…I was just happy for them and thought he was a cute baby. That’s all. So I was telling my coworker how D and I have been talking lately about when we might try for another baby and how I was glad the visit didn’t make me want another one right now, and my coworker says “Well you don’t need to have another one til D gets a job anyway!!!” I was shocked. And quite pissed to be honest. That is none of her business, and it wasn’t for her to say! I told her that even if we got pregnant now D would have a job before the baby was born, but we’re not trying anytime soon so that didn’t matter!! It really hurt my feelings that she said this. It just added to my feelings that my mother in law had started the night before. Nobody would be happy if we announced the fact that we’re having another baby, no matter when it happened…what is it about us??? It can’t be money…my brother and sister in law are going through bankruptcy for goodness sakes, and my in laws were still overjoyed to hear of the impending arrival!! But if we were to get pregnant…well it’d be the end of the world. Even though this time we’re married, they would still be ashamed. My in-laws bawled, out of sorrow and disappointment, when they found out about Hailey. And they didn’t share the news with ANYBODY like they did when my sister in law was pregnant both times. And I know that’s how it’s going to be with our next one. And it just breaks my heart. The only thing I know to do, is just not care. Just try to focus on us as our own little family…just D, Hailey and I…and worry about us being happy and what’s right for us. And I already decided long ago that the birth of the next baby will be completely different. I gave in last time, and told the in-laws we’d call them when I went to the hospital…because they insisted they would be furious with us if we didn’t. But after all the drama that happened, with them being furious that we called D’s brother before we told the in-laws Hailey was born, because they didn’t like her name or the way it was spelled…after them barging in my room while I was in so much pain and so out of it, and acting like I wasn’t even there while talking bad about what we named her, and them taking pictures while holding her with pissed off looks on their faces…I’m not taking the chance on that happening again. Next time, we will call them after Hailey’s born, after we’ve had time to bond and breastfeed etc. Then they can come and see her, preferably when I’ve moved to my permanent room where there isn’t blood still splattered all over the floor. That just seems like the best thing for us. They will be very mad…but I’m done with caring about their feelings, as they so obviously don’t give a crap about ours.

SO…now that I’ve got that vent out…

It is a beautiful day here!! 84 degrees, sunny…this is the weather I LOVE…it’s starting to feel like fall!! I’m so anxious!! I absolutely love this time of the year! I love being able to open up the windows and air out the house!! There’s nothing like feeling the nice cool breeze flow from room to room. It’s so hard to stay in a cruddy mood with great weather like this!

A secretary at one of the schools sent me some chocolate today. I thought that was very sweet of her! Really brightened my day!!

I’ve finally started reading the last Harry Potter book, YAY!! I’m only on page 45 or so, but so far it’s pretty good.

When my husband called me yesterday (yes, he’s even CALLING me now!!) I recounted to him the story of how I killed the most ginormous spider EVER right outside our front door that very morning, without freaking out and screaming like a little girl. Even though it was resting a mere 10 inches from my daughter’s feet. And I am deathly afraid of spiders. And did I mention how ginormous it was??? I told him how it was WAY bigger than the spider he’d killed the night before. He asked me what kind it was, and that was that. Then he gets home last night. I’m already in bed. He comes in the bedroom, and starts going on and on about how HUGE this spider I killed was, WAY bigger than his spider, and how proud of me he is. I know this whole thing may seem silly…but it really meant a lot to me when he praised me like that! If you’ve read previous posts, you know how my husband is…for him to make a big deal out of something that seemed pretty insignificant to him but was a huge deal for me is not something he ever does…so it really meant a lot to me.

A couple of my old friends from highschool in KS have been posting old pictures of themselves and their friends from their highschool/college years on MySpace. I got out our old photo albums, from ’99 up until about 2004(when life got in the way and I quit having time to actually put pictures in albums) and I realized something…while my friends were all hanging out together in big groups of girls, being silly together and having a blast…I was with D. All the time. I didn’t go to college, so I didn’t have that whole experience. Since my Junior year of highschool, it’s been just me and D for the most part. I mean of course we each have other friends, but ALL the pictures I have from that time period…all those years…are of us. Being silly, having a blast, experiencing life together. I thought maybe I’d feel sad that I didn’t get those years with my friends, that I didn’t have the experiences that they did…but I realized I didn’t feel sad at all…I think it’s so neat that my husband and I have been together so long, and that we’ve been able to experience half our teenage and all of our adult lives together. We’ve got all these inside jokes and memories together…I love it that I share those things with my husband instead of a group of girls I probably won’t have any contact with in a few more years. And it was incredibly neat to see how much we’ve grown up and changed. Hell we’ve seen each other nearly every day for the past 8 years…we don’t notice the changes. But looking at these pictures, WOW we looked like little kids!! We were so cute! I think back to those times, and how I felt…I never would have thought that after all these years we’d still be together, more in love that ever, and married with a little girl. I realized all over again how lucky I am…these past couple years I’ve been worrying and complaining so much, but what the hell am I complaining about? I have my dream…I’m married to my best friend and I have a wonderful little girl! I’m not un-lucky at all!

Surprises

I think my husband’s gone nuts. He won’t quit bringing up this whole baby thing. Apparently he was a little more excited about the whole thing than I thought. I think I wrote before about how he is wanting again to try in December like we’d originally planned…he brings this to my attention AFTER I’ve already told the families we’ll be waiting(to their relief, which really TICKS me off…they just can’t be happy no matter what can they, planned, not planned, it’s all the same as long as it’s US having the baby…grrrr…) and now not only is he wanting to still try in December, but lately he’s been hinting at trying sooner!! I don’t know what’s gotten into him. Last night I’m laying in bed coughing, so un-sexy, trying to get to sleep, and he starts harassing me about making a baby. I made the mistake of telling him we are most certainly NOT doing anything of that sort right now because I’m on antibiotics, which lower the effectiveness of my pills. You would have thought he’d recoil away in horror, right? No, quite the opposite actually. He got all excited at the possibility of an “oops” baby. He assured me it would be okay because he’d be out of school by the time it was born(seriously, has he been thinking about this or something?? How did he know that quickly when the due date would be if we were to get pregnant this month? It’s not like he hesitated before he said this to give himself time to think…) I told him I was not going to take the chance on that happening because what if he doesn’t find a job right away, then where would that leave us? With two kids and even less money than we have now…and instead of saying “yea, you’re right” he just reassured me “But we had an oops with Hailey, and look everything’s worked out just fine!” !!!!!!!!!! Seriously??? Was my husband really laying there trying to persuade ME to have a baby???? What has this world come to??? I very sweetly told him we’d discuss the matter later, but that we were past the chance this month for anything to maybe happen anyway, so to back off and let me try to get some sleep. I knew he wants another baby, but I didn’t realize he wants another one just as badly as I do…if not a little more, as it seems from the conversation we had last night. Unfortunately we’re not at a place in our lives right now where that would be a smart thing to do. But he’s only got 9 more months of school left and then we’ll be able to get on with our lives. We’re so excited to finally be a “normal” family and move on with our lives.

This is what my daughter looked like last night:



Last night, Hailey was running around blabbering about Lord knows what when all of a sudden she stopped…flopped down on all fours…put her head down…and starting making these awful wretching noises. My first thought was OH GOD she’s choking, she’s getting sick, she’s choking and getting sick!!!! And then she made this BLEGH sound, stopped, looked up at me, and stood up. Only to do it again. And I realized exactly what she was doing. She looked EXACTLY like Puss In Boots coughing up his hairball in Shrek 2. The movie she’d just watched at my mom’s that very afternoon. I asked her if she was coughing up a hairball like the kitty on Shrek and she said “um huh!” and walked over and got her big Shrek stuffed animal and blabbered on and on to him. I laughed SO HARD. I was in shock. What on earth made her do that all of a sudden?? Kids are so weird.

Unbelievable

This weekend has been very good for us. D told everybody that he promised to spend this weekend with me, because he wants to spend time with us before he has to go back to school. I hate to admit, I may have overreacted a little. D really didn't understand how bad I thought things were. We talked, and he was able to reassure me he's just really busy and stressed because of school, and that in less than a year it'll all be over and we'll be a "normal" family again. He really thought I was just going through one of my "down" times and things were really fine. I feel a bit stupid, honestly. Yea, he's not perfect. Yea he really could do more around the house. But since he's been home all weekend, he HAS been doing stuff around the house. And spending time with Hailey...he even put her to bed last night. She fell asleep during the first book but he held her for another good 20 minutes just because he misses her. And he's been great w/ me too...we let my mom take Hailey for a few hours yesterday and we went to see Potter (2nd time for me, but I really wanted to see it again)...he wanted to see the Simpson's movie, but I didn't think I could take a whole movie of the Simpson's, so he was nice and went to Potter instead. This weekend has been how I always want our life to be...and it's all because he's HOME. If I can just get through this next school year, everything should be fine. Last night we were talking about it, and about him finding a job and all. And our conversation really made me realize just how far off my vision of our relationship is...he actually started talking about when we were going to start trying for another baby again. We'd talked about waiting til he got out of school, which I thought he was ok with. But apparently not. Apparently he really wants to still try in December like we'd originally planned! Actually, it's becoming really apparent to me that while I'm over here thinking the world is ending and all that dramatic crap, he's been feeling like aside from my emotional explosions here and there, our relationship is going great. He didn't realize just how hard it's been on me to have him gone so much. And when we were having this conversation about him getting a job and everything, he went so far as to say there's no reason we'd even have to wait til December to try...that we could even try now and he'd be out of school by the time the baby's born!! I was shocked. Here I've already told his family and mine that we'll be waiting til he's out of school to try, and now there's a possibility if things go ok it MAY be sooner. Of course there's no way we're going to start trying now like he mentioned, I want to make sure things are really ok first. I'm setting a goal of after the first of the year, depending on how the next few months go between him and I. I have just as much work to do on this relationship as he does. And now that we both realize the situation it should get better from here on out.

Now for my update on Hailey. I am amazed at the speed at which she picks up new words/phrases. She is speaking full sentences now and we really have to watch what we say because she's repeating EVERYTHING, and not just for repetition's sake but actually using things over and over in the right context. This morning she was looking for her pacifier and when she found it she exclaimed "There it is!!" Yesterday she learned "fix"...at my mom's she was typing on the computer and kept hitting keys to make weird boxes pop up and she'd yell at my mom "Please fix it!" At school the other day she was cleaning up books and nobody was helping her even though she was singing the Clean Up song...Clean up clean up, everybody everywhere etc...and she got frustrated and turned to look at the other kids and yelled "Clean up people!!" The sitter does not say this, it just flew out of Hailey's mouth. She's so bossy, just like her momma. She's also learned to "read" another book. She picked it out at Walmart a few weeks ago, and LOVES it. Apparently they have it at school too. Hailey found it one day last week on the shelf, sat down and started "reading" it. The sitter was shocked, she didn't know we had the book at home. It's Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed. Hailey talks about the monkeys and then talks about the mommy calling the dr. and then shakes her little pointer finger saying "no no monkeys!" etc. etc. It's too cute.



And I finally got some new pictures loaded onto the computer...

Her hair is getting so long!!



One last little note...Hailey has learned to pick her nose. Not something I'm proud of, but it is so darn cute to see her jamming that little finger up there. Makes her so much more of a "kid" somehow.

I've got a pretty good slice...

I may not be the girl with the most cake, but my life is pretty good. I'm trying not to worry anymore. I'm still on the fence about the job issue, but I have some time to think about it. I'm not going to worry about maybe quitting after the next baby. And I'm not going to worry anymore about the next baby. The minute I start to think about waiting, maybe putting it off 6 months or a year, I start to feel all sad, and I picture the little bundle in my head, and I just really feel like it's just meant to happen. No matter what happens after that, we'll be a family, and we'll have each other, and we'll be so happy! So, no more worrying about that for now. Another great thing...my awesome husband...he's been amazing for over a week now! Helping with dishes, helping pick up, did I mention HELPING WITH DISHES?!?! He's been so great. Supportive, not getting pissed off at me when I do things like wake him up in the morning...oh yea, and NOT hounding me for sex! Talk about awesome. Things have just been going great. I am a little stressed about Hailey's birthday party coming up next Saturday, but not overly stressed like I was the last time we were planning it. All I really have to do is buy a few more supplies, get the crap out of the dining room, get the balloons ordered(doing that Monday of next week), sending out the invites this weekend and wrapping her gifts. It sounds like a lot, but I'm doing a bit each day next week, so it'll be ok! And I'm not worrying about my house looking perfect. I'm not perfect. If people don't like it, they can kiss my butt. There are more things in life than a perfect house. Like spending time with my wonderful daughter...she was such a good girl tonight! We ran by my friend's house, where she stood up for herself when my friend's 2 yr. old daughter was taking all of Hailey's things away, yet she also played very nicely(she was so upset when this little girl took her shoes away from her...Hailey LOVES her shoes, I mean LOVES them...all of them...she loves to wear them, and pick out new shoes at the store, and put them on and take them off...she cherishes her shoes...she's definately a girl). We came home and she wandered around playing in her room and the living room, finally deciding on carrying her baby around the house singing "bayo baby"...how cute...she ate well, as always, only got one noodle on the floor on accident. Ate a plum for dessert...I cannot stress how well her eating is going lately. She hardly ever makes messes anymore. She sits in her little booster on the living room floor, eats her food off her plate, and tells me when she's done. She gets food all over herself, but I don't even have to put down a towel anymore under her booster. It's amazing. We're still not working on using utensils, but I figure we can work on that later. Then she helped me clean herself off(she wipes herself off with baby wipes). Then she watched me use the potty. Last night she watched me sit down, and said "see pee pee!" so I raised up a bit to show her I was peeing. She thinks that's the coolest thing. Then I showed her you have to wipe, and then she said "bye bye pee pee" and she shut the lid for me and flushed the toilet. How cool is that?? Tonight she watched me, flushed and said bye bye, and then we put her little potty lid on the toilet and took off her britches and sat her on it. For a second there I thought she was actually going to go! She was pushing and everything!! I could hear a little toot escape from her trying & pushing!! Then I gave her a piece of toilet paper and she tried to wipe, and then said bye bye pee pee. So potty training may not be too far off I think! After that we watched her Curious Buddies movie while I picked up and organized some of her toys. Then she went to bed at 8:45, no problems at all. It couldn't have been a more perfect night. I came home to a clean kitchen(thanks to my wonderful husband), my daughter was absolutely perfect...I have no complaints!

While I'm on the subject of Hailey...the sitter told me that today she said a sentence of 3 words...she couldn't remember what she said, but she said she did say 3 words in a row. She's talking so much now, I can't even keep up with the word list!! I think it's funny, we figured out when she says "ay" she means yes. If you ask her if she wants something she'll say "ay." She's not really doing her "more" sign anymore...I guess she figures why, when she can talk.

We found out today Preggo at work is having another little girl. I can't wait to see what we'll have next! I honestly don't care either way!!

I'm going to go read in bed and try to get some rest...thank God tomorrow's Friday!

By the way...Hailey rocks the goggle look...

**PICTURE DELETED**

I wanna be the girl with the most cake

Well I didn't jump the gun. My boss called me in this morning and told me they are posting AP B's job, and that if I'm interested I just need to send a letter of interest to Administration. I'm really thinking it would be stupid if I didn't apply...it would be more money, it's a great opportunity to advance, and I've only been there almost 2 months! If I do end up leaving after I have the next baby, well then so be it. I have to quit thinking about everybody else and start focusing more on our family and what's best for us. It would be stupid for me to pass up a couple years of awesome pay, just because I may quit in the future. Kind of sucks for them, yes, but good for me. It's just a bummer, because I want it all. I want a house, and new cars, and extra money to go shopping, and I want vacations...but I also want to stay home with my kids, and more time with my husband...I want it all. I've always wanted it all, I've always wanted to be rich, ever since I was old enough to understand about money(say about Kindergarden)...ideally, my husband will get a great job, we'll pay off our debts, buy a house, have babies, and life happily ever after. I'm so hoping...in the meantime, I'm going to apply for this job, continue with the thought that we'll be trying for another baby in December, and just go from there. I just hate all this uncertainty. I'm afraid we may have to put off having another baby, which seems so incredibly unfair. It's something we want so bad, but what if D can't get a good enough job after he graduates for me to quit working? He'd have to make what I make now. Could he do that fresh out of college? Although I don't have a college degree, and he will. SIGH...I guess we'll see what happens.

Everything else I have to write about right now seems so petty compared to all that. And I'm tired...D's allergies are HORRIBLE this year, so he's snoring like mad, so I'm getting no sleep at night.

I know this all sounds negative, but it has been a really good week. I'm just a bit stressed trying to figure out what's best for our family.