Monday, September 10, 2007

Envy

Friday after I picked Hailey up from school I stopped by my friend S's house. She's the one that runs the home daycare in the same neighborhood as Hailey's school...she's also the one I've been friends with since birth. Our mom's were best friends as kids as well. Anyway...I stopped by her house. She was updating me on her 2 friends that I know who are pregnant. She asked me if we we're still planning on trying in December. I told her I didn't know for sure, but most likely not. Ok, a little background for those of you who don't know:
Back a few months ago, I had told her we were going to try in December...just like I told my mom and my in-laws, and my sister in law. Well, then we decided to wait longer...so I told my mom and my in-laws we were going to wait, and their reaction was "Thank God." My in-laws had that reaction because of financial reasons. We're not rich. Apparently rich people are the only people that should have kids. My mom had that reaction because she's infatuated with Hailey, and doesn't want another grandkid right now (just like she didn't want a grandkid when I was pregnant with Hailey--but she's now obsessed, of course)...but also because we don't know what D's job situation will be like yet. Fastforward to present day. We know the things holding us back, but that doesn't change the fact that we still want another baby. We would still like to start trying the first part of next year. We know we should wait til we know something concrete about his job situation. And yes some people will think we're stupid for not waiting. But everything's always ok. We always get through, we always make things work. We're not poor. Even if he can't get a really good paying job right away, after he graduates, he'll still be working and we'll still be fine! SO, anyway...I had told my friend back then that we were going to try in December...she told me she wanted another one, but her husband didn't. My next visit with her, about a month later, she told me she'd convinced him to have another one and they may start trying the same time as we were. Over the next month, we decide not to try so soon, but I don't tell her this. Ok, so back to Friday's visit...
So I tell her we're not sure when we'll try, and I tell her the reaction his parents and my mom had when we told them we were waiting...and what does she tell me?? "Well I'm off the pill. We're hoping to get pregnant in January." Seriously, I just wanted to burst into tears. They're financially set. They own a house. She stays home with the kids and does home daycare. They can have how many kids they want whenever they want. But I didn't dream she'd do that to me. I'm sure I'm just looking at it wrong. I'm sure she thought it would be really neat for us to finally be pregnant together like we'd always dreamed and have our kids be the same age like we were so they can be best friends too. But all I could think was how crappy the whole situation is. We were so excited to try in December. Then we realized we should probably wait. Our families were relieved, much to our dismay. And now we want to try the first part of the year, knowing our families are NOT going to be happy...it's like she stole my plan, my happy exciting plan right out from under me. Everyone will be overjoyed for them. She'll be pregnant when I wanted to be. It's going to be a constant reminder of what I can't have. She's my best friend. I should be happy for her. And I am, but I'm mostly jealous, and envious, and pretty resentful as well. We did have a good rest of the night, we went out to eat with our 3 girls, had a good conversation while the girls acted like kids--it's so nice to have someone to hang out with and go out to eat with that has kids, where we sit and actually have a conversation while ignoring our kids showing each other their food and giggling etc.
Then I get to work this morning. Preggo is in my office talking to me. My boss walks up, her face all red. Right away I knew something wasn't right. I asked her what was wrong. She made small talk and I asked her how her trip went. Finally the conversation lulled, and she stood there, and finally she patted her tummy. Yea. I am really excited for her. Her son is 2 months older than Hailey. We have been joking for a few months now that we both need another baby. I've noticed she's been off, for quite a while now. I talked to my other coworker about what might be wrong...I may have even blogged about how she's been acting different and I was scared something was up. But that's what's been wrong. I wondered, since Friday she left for a dr. appointment. It just popped into my head, hm I wonder if she is... Yep I was right. Yes I am happy for her. Yes I feel bad that she is SO sick with this one like she was with her first. But yes, I am also jealous and envious. And it's a constant reminder every day now. She's my boss, my office is right across from hers. I get to watch her slowly expanding waistline every day now. And be jealous that she's the one puking and not me. How messed up is that??

1 comment:

Kayce said...

My SIL announced their pregnancy as I was feeling some of the earliest pregnancy symptoms--of a pregnancy that wasn't really happening. I was crazy jealous. It was a bad time for them to get pregnant and sort of an accident. We'd been sort of trying for several months at that point. And the great irony is that we conceived just a few days after that.

My point is that it's normal and natural to feel that jealousy now, so don't feel bad about it. But remember that everything can change in one quick second, with one little line on that pregnancy test.