Monday, January 14, 2008

So, I'm jealous...


Ok, so last year D and I had decided we'd start trying for another baby in Dec. 07. We told people. Some were happy, my mom wasn't. My friend that already has 2 kids that I've known since birth (she has a house, and a husband that makes good money, and she's a SAHM--hello, that's MY life she's living!) decided it would be really fun to be pregnant together so she convinced her husband to have a 3rd and said they'd start trying in December as well. I wasn't so happy about that, because what if our plans changed? And I know this might sound self centered or whatever, but my first pregnancy was so unplanned and everyone was VERY unhappy about it...not to mention my sister in law was pregnant at the same time...so I never got to enjoy my first pregnancy and have everyone make a big fuss over me! I hid it for as long as I could, I was totally ashamed even up until I had her. If my friend was pregnant at the same time, she would share some of my spotlight this time. I know that sounds really immature...I can't help it. Well anyway, as everyone knows, our plans DID change. We realized that D would be in school longer than we thought to finish his degree...and we realized we really really want a house. We rent a decent place, it's a decent size, we actually really like it. But it is a townhouse, we are connected to another unit on one side. We want our own house that we can customize and call our own(with more room preferably!). We also want to enjoy Hailey a little longer! Let her be the baby for a couple more years. So I told everybody we'd decided to wait. My mom was relieved. Others didn't really care either way. My friend and her husband kept their plans to try in December. So last month when she emailed me and said she thought she was pregnant because she was late, but it turned out she wasn't...I felt bad but I was relieved. Then she emailed me this morning...she's pregnant. And I am SO happy for her. Really I am. I promise. I can't wait to go through this with her again and see what her next one looks like and see if she'll finally get her little boy that she wants. I really, truly am so excited for her! Seriously! But...at the same time even though if I did get pregnant right now I would be really unhappy...I can't help but feeling jealous. That was supposed to be me! And it would have been SO neat to have been pregnant together, now that I think about it...it's what we always planned and dreamed of when we were little girls. To be pregnant together and have our kids be best friends just like we were. Hailey and her youngest are 9 months apart. They like each other but it's still not the same, not what we dreamed of. So, I'm going through a whole range of emotions right now. Wishing it was me, glad it's not, jealousy, excitement, happiness, jealousy, jealousy, oh and did I mention jealousy? Yea...

I know it'll happen one of these days. I just hope my husband's career choice is really that important to him. I'm putting my dreams on hold for him to be happy. I've changed everything about my adult life to accommodate him. He had better make it worth it in the end!

It probably doesn't help that another friend's girlfriend had her c-section today and D went to see the baby(I can't, obviously, because I'm sick)...everybody's having babies or getting pregnant lately :o) It's just so weird. I don't want to be pregnant right now. Seriously. I had a scare last month and I almost threw up thinking about being pregnant right now. It's NOT want I want! But I'm still jealous...does that make ANY sense? Or am I just crazy???

4 comments:

Jaime said...

I understand this, totally.

My sister had her baby today and as happy as I was a part of me was very sad inside because I know I'll never have another child. It was very bittersweet.

Kayce said...

Totally makes sense to me. I'm getting super jealous of all the preggies around too, and I'm nowhere near ready for another--if I'll ever be. I'll be jealous of you when it happens for you, if that makes you feel any better. :)

Wendy said...

I think that this is a normal emotion to have. It is good that you are waiting until you are ready in more ways than just your emotions telling you:) It will all be better in the end. You are a fabulously wonderful Mom and will be the same to your next little one whenever the time may be! Michael had a vasectomy and I still get the yearnings for another one, even though I know we are DONE!! It's natural.

Erin said...

I am sorry your mom was not happy about your plans, that stinks! My mom was a little reserved with her excitement as well, issuing the comment, "what are you going to do." All of the emotions totally make sense! My husband is going through a career change right now as well, and it is really hard to be supportive all of the time! Just remember, God's timing is perfect and He always has something better in store!