Friday, April 13, 2007

A year ago today

A year ago right now I was just leaving for the hospital, having been in labor for 12 hours at home. I had no idea what it was like to be a mom, and in no way was I prepared for the emotional roller coaster ahead of me. I was having contractions every 3 to 5 minutes. I'd lost my mucous plug, and I had taken a shower and packed my bags. I remember walking into the ER in my silver flip flops, oh so comfy black velour maternity pants, bright blue maternity tank(boy the weather was sure different a year ago today!!) hair was down and curly, still partly wet and my face was broken out so bad. All I could think of was getting the baby out. I had to bend over during a contraction at the desk in the ER, and a nice male nurse grabbed a wheelchair for me right away. Only 1 night before I'd been in the same situation, at the same place, which turned out to be false labor. I had no idea labor was going to feel so...well like labor. This time I didn't feel so silly as he was wheeling me up to L&D. They put me in the same observation cubby I was in the night before, and I was about 4 cm dilated. My hubby's jaw dropped when they said I was definately a keeper. He just knew they'd be sending us home like they had that very same morning. I remember feeling so out of control once I got to the hospital, and looking back I wish I'd stayed at home longer. I wasn't able to cope with the contractions once I was out of my element, out of my comfort zone. I wasn't looking forward to having Miss H, so I didn't have anything to help me focus on my goal and get through, except I was in pain and I wanted it to be over with. I hadn't slept in about 24 hrs. I was ready for it all to be over. I wanted my body back. At 6:21 am on April the 14th, just a day before her due date, Hailey was born. My husband cried. As they laid her on my stomach, I just could not believe I had a baby. I just pushed a baby out of my body...a wriggling, slimy, crying baby. Out of ME. I made her. And I was so not ready to be a mommy. And now one year later I can't imagine my life without her. I mean she's Hailey. She's my Hailey. She's my everything, my reason for living, my world revolves around her. I love her more than life itself. And it's been a long road, but she's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and she's made me so happy. She loves me unconditionally, and I love her unconditionally...when she climbs out of her booster seat and crawls into my lap to finish her dinner my heart melts. When she sits in my lap and hugs me every morning my heart melts. When she sings the mama song, my heart melts. And when she asks for her daddy, and looks for him wherever we're at, my heart melts, and breaks because he's not around as much as we'd all like him to be. And my heart breaks when I think about Hailey as a newborn. So little and fragile and helpless. And I didn't love her. I mean I had a strong urge to protect her and keep her safe. But I didn't love her. HOW could I not love her? She's Hailey. She's always been Hailey. And back then, she was a little helpless Hailey that couldn't even roll over by herself, and I got so upset and mad when she'd wake up at night and want to eat. And I sat and cried all day, every day of my maternity leave, all by myself, holding Hailey, so could I have been sad? I see mothers everywhere, with newborn babies, on maternity leave...meeting their friends for lunch, showing off their new babies...tired, but glowing and so happy. And I know if I'd been prepared, if I'd been wanting a baby and planning a baby, I would have been that way too. I'm not a horrible person. I know I'm a great mom. There's nothing I can do about what happened in the past. All I can do is be the best mom I can be now. I'll always be sad and feel bad about my poor newborn Hailey that I didn't shower with love and affection...but look at us now. I'm her mommy, and she knows it, and I love her more than the world, and she knows it! Who does she want when she's tired? Who does she look to when she's hungry? Who rocks her to sleep every single night? I may not fill out her baby book, and I may not keep record of every little thing she does and when she does it, and I may not have ordered any of her newborn pictures and I may regret how things went the first part of her life, but I am a damn good mommy, and I love her to pieces, and I cannot believe that my little baby is going to be a year old tomorrow. A year ago today my life changed forever. It seems like just yesterday and it seems like a lifetime ago, all at the same time. I never would have dreamed this is how it would be, and I never dreamed she'd be as perfect and wonderful as she is...and I know this next year will be even better! I love you Miss Hailey!!!


Kristin said...

That was so sweet. It's amazing how we evolve as mothers & how every mothers experience is different, but in the end it's always the same. The unconditional love.

Happy First Birthday Hailey!

Wendy said...

Happy 1st Birthday, Hailey!

Ashley said...

Yeah, a picture of you! You write beautifully, and it's so great you can be so open and honest about your feelings. And she was such a beauty too!