?

I was a bit surprised at the responses I got to my post below about my friend saying little girls weirded her out. I guess I'm just different than some people...I've had experience with both boys and girls, having had a little brother 12 years younger than me and too many nephews to count and a niece. I fully expected Hailey to be a little boy but was thrilled when I found out she was a girl. If I have a little boy next, I'll be just as thrilled as if we have another little girl. I'm used to having a little girl around, with her pink and dolls and whatnot, but little boys don't weird me out or anything...I guess I just don't understand that? Dan's brother has two little boys, the youngest being 6 months, and from day one of their birth I was changing their diapers and taking care of them just as if they were my Hailey. I guess I don't see the big difference? They're all the same, they're just kids. To me their gender doesn't really have anything to do with it. My nephew loves playing with Hailey's kitchen set and is the whiniest little thing around at times--but also can be a rough and tough little boy, out riding the tractor with Papa and feeding the dogs...and Hailey can be rough and tough as well, LOVES the movie Cars and is obsessed with tractors and dirt and ALSO whiny at times--but she can also be the sweetest little mommy to a baby doll and loves to shop! They're both just toddlers, with their own emotions, likes and dislikes...it's not like you treat a kid different because of their gender. I guess that's why my friend's comment surprised me so much and really hurt my feelings. It hurts to think that somebody would look at or think about my daughter and be weirded out by her. She's just a kid, like all the other boys and girls out there, come on!

Sling Giveaway

I've always dreamed of having a good sling to carry Hailey around in. I got one for the baby shower that was purchased at Walmart...I can't remember the brand...but it was very bulky and just didn't work. It's also only for little babies...it wasn't designed to work up into the younger kid years. I want one that will hold my 25 lb. toddler on my hip as well as work for our next newborn! DE Reviews is having a giveaway for a sling that I would LOVE to have! Even if I don't win, I'm seriously thinking of ordering one. They aren't expensive at all, come in a wide variety of colors/patterns and look really easy to use!

Seriously?

I met a lady that lives in Canada on a pregnancy message board when I was newly pregnant with Hailey. We were due within a week of each other, both with our first babies, both unmarried. They're rich, and she's almost 40, her now-husband is in his 50's. I was only 22 at the time and um, NOT rich. But we still bonded over mutual aches and pains and preggo related problems. We emailed nearly daily our whole pregnancies, then our kiddos were born. We continued to email and finally started sending pictures through email and eventually even started sending Christmas cards and such through the "regular" mail. Up until just a few months ago we were still emailing almost daily. It's been a really neat friendship, even though we've never met or even talked on the phone. We've known each other for almost 3 years now. It's hard to hear her talk about getting to stay home with her boys (she had another little boy, he's 4 months old now) and see pictures of their new GIGANTICALLY HUGE house and hear of her shopping trips where she spends thousands upon thousands on furniture and decorations...but I continued to email. Then not too long ago things just got really busy and I just...stopped. I quit emailing her all the time. A lot of time went by and we hadn't emailed each other. I don't know if we just don't have anything in common anymore? I have a little girl, I'm still young and poor, rent our house, etc. etc. They are done having kids, she has 2 boys, they're rich...and our kids aren't really anything alike either. Recently we started emailing again, a few times a week. I thought it was great til an email exchange this morning that really hurt my feelings.

Me:
This morning Hailey didn't want to leave the house. She ran away from me when I tried to put her coat on. She ran into the living room and threw herself down on her little fold out couch, SO dramatic! I knelt down next to her and she told me "No Mommy, go away! Don't touch me!" AAH you gotta love little drama queens! LOL I had to try and get her shoes on anyway and didn't notice til she was walking out the front door that they were on the wrong feet! Quite a morning...

I thought this was totally cute and hilarious! Apparently she didn't agree...here is her response...

Her:
I always make the mistake of putting M's shoes on wrong and N(her husband) always notices and fixes them. Oh, no, I wouldn't love a drama queen. When my nieces act girly and whiny it makes me cringe. Just like when M does his demanding scream. I can't tolerate drama or negativity. Maybe that's because M has been rather bad these past few days. He looks us in the eye and throws whatever we give him first before he picks it up again to eat or use. What's up with that??? And this going to the fridge every half hour to demand that we open it up so he can pick something out is driving me nuts. I guess I just don't like upheaval. I'm more of a peace and quiet lover and would like it if he were a book worm studious kid in the future but with my luck he'll be wild. Also, I have to be the disciplinarian. N is soft all the way and that irks me too. Lately, there are times when M can be a real smart ass. Last night I put him in his room twice and closed the door because he thought he'd be able to dictate what we could watch on TV by yelling his head off. It was awful, Erin, awful.

Maybe she's just having a bad day, or maybe I'm taking it wrong. But I can't seem to find a response to this without saying something really rude and mean. Hailey is not a drama queen, nor is she a whiny little girl. I know of little boys FAR whinier than Hailey. And saying when her nieces act girly it makes her cringe??? This lady is very feminine, how can a little girl acting girly make her cringe?

I'm just really irritated and my feelings are hurt. My daughter is not annoying. She has her times where she's just downright bad, but hello she's almost 2, she's a toddler! All of our friends love Hailey to pieces. They're always wanting to hold her and kiss and hug her. Maybe it's because this lady's never met Hailey... who knows. :o( My feelings are just really hurt..

Update

My Aunt and Cousin are going to be okay. They were getting on a highway in KC and a car came out of nowhere and hit them at 60 mph. The car hit the front left flank of the car, missing the doors thank God, and spun them around. Miraculously they weren't hit by any other cars on the highway while they were spinning. My little 3 year old cousin bit either his lip or his tongue and hit his head. They did all the necessary tests and thank God there's no swelling in his head. He's pretty bruised and shaken up but okay. My aunt is bruised and hurts all over, esp. from where the airbags hit her. They don't have any serious injuries and are going to be able to go home soon.

It was sleeting on the way up to KC and my sister said it's now snowing there and freezing cold. Now I'm worried about them driving back safely in the bad weather!! The temp here is dropping by the hour, it's freezing here now! I had a brain fart this morning and didn't wear my heavy coat or bring my gloves! All I've got is my little fleece! I also dropped Hailey's blanket outside this morning(D took it in before he left for school) and meant to grab her coat and didn't...so all she has on is a long sleeved shirt, the jacket that matches her pants and a light fleece! This morning it was in the 50's. I went to Walmart at lunch today and bought her a new fluffy blanket with Cars on it (her new fav. movie that she watches at least once a day!) so at least I can wrap her up in that when I pick her up. MO weather is just too weird!

I found out yesterday that they're discussing the possibility of letting us use flex time at work. This would mean my time to work would change from 7:30-4:30 w/ an hour lunch to 8:00 to 4:30 w/ a half hour lunch. This would be AMAZING! I would totally miss my leisurely 1 hour lunch breaks but to be able to get here 30 minutes later would be great! Morning is not the best time in our household...none of us are morning people, including Hailey. Sometimes always goes wrong and I'm forever getting here 5 to 10 minutes late which I feel horrible about! I don't know for sure yet but I'm really hoping they put the new policy into effect. It would really help Hailey and I out!

Bad News

My aunt and little 3 year old cousin were just in a bad wreck in Kansas City and rushed to the hospital. We don't know what happened yet or just how badly they're hurt. My sister and stepmom are on the way there. Please pray for them, if you're the praying type.

Hailey's finally had a few good nights as far as her nightmares go which means I'm more rested and in a much better mood than I have been. Thank God for that. Of course the warmer weather we're having could also have something to do with my good mood...too bad it's not supposed to stick around! I have definitely been experiencing the winter blues and cabin fever. Have I mentioned I'm ready for Spring?????

I'm reading the book The Girlfriend's Guide to Toddlers in hopes that it'll help me understand Hailey a bit more. I know I've said this a million times(or at least a few) but all of a sudden I have this kid. She's not a baby anymore at all, besides the fact that she's still wearing diapers. Before when I'd said that it was maybe how I was feeling on that particular day. Now, it's hit me like a ton of bricks. She's a kid. She eats sandwiches and wants to watch particular movies over and over and knows what it means to go to the library and check out books...I can reason with her (sometimes), tell her what we're going to do the next day and God forbid I change the plans because you better believe she remembered and is very upset that we're not doing what I said anymore...she makes her own choices, she talks about her day...she's just a kid, what can I say. I can't explain it. I sort of feel like 'when the hell did this happen??' but at the same time I feel like it's taken forever to get to this point. And just as I was getting so confident in my abilities at mommying a baby, POP she turned into a kid that I have NO IDEA how to parent. So far it seems like I'm doing pretty gosh darned good at the whole bit if I do say so myself. She seems to be coming out okay, if not a wee bit sassy. And what's funny is when she was a baby I read the parenting books and thought "well hell I'm doing that wrong!" And now I read the parenting books for toddlers and I think "well that's nice if it works for others, but that's not how we do it!" Funny how that changed over the last year...

I have my 2nd physical therapy appointment today. Not sure what she's going to do this time. I only got to do my exercises one day this weekend, yesterday. I really have to be more diligent about that...

Some good things about this weekend:

~My sink is empty! The dishes are all clean for once, yay!

~Hailey has had 2 nightmare free nights in a row!!

~D went camping last night so I got the bed all to myself for a night and slept really well!

~I finally got some pictures uploaded to the family blog! And this is what happened during the time I spent doing that post...

When I asked her what she did she said "That's Kleenex..." I asked her if she did it and she said "No." I asked her who did it then and she finally said "Hailey." At least she's honest :) I can't complain, I was wishing she'd keep herself busy for just a few minutes to give me time to get something done...well, she kept herself busy!

TGIF

Today has been better! Hailey slept OK last night...finally. She actually slept fairly soundly (I think, unless I was just too stinking tired to hear her) from about midnight til 5:15 this morning. She was in a MUCH better mood this morning, chasing the kitty around the dining table and helping me get dressed...she was actually fun this morning! :) And it's FRIDAY, thank God. For a short week, this week lasted FOREVER!


My kitty had her first ever dental today (she's almost 9!) and did great. Hailey thought it was very neat that kitty got to ride in the car with us this morning! At first when kitty was meowing really loud she told her "It's okay Z, it's okay. I know, it's okay" it was so sweet! Halfway to school she changed to "Z, be quiet! BE QUIET!" LOL She's too funny...

Hunting for the roly polies that have been invading our living room for some odd reason...2 peas in a pod! :o)

If my life were really a soap opera, this would be a BAD episode...

Things just keep getting more "interesting" around here. You know how it is in my life. One dramatic even after another, almost always involving my dad's side of the family. Remember the brother I blogged about forever ago that went on the Maury show to find out if his kids were really his or if they were his uncle's? YEAAA.... anyway my sister and I found out last night that he's moving back with yet another one of his brothers. I have no idea which brother, how old he is, anything...but if he's anything like the other brothers M has brought to town, he's a "douchebag"(in the lovely words of my husband). We are so not excited about this. We're actually pretty pissed, to put it nicely. My brother caused all kinds of problems the last time he was down here (including hitting on my sister--HIS sister--in one of his many drunken/drugged up hazes!!!! EW!!!) and like every other time left without any notice. Apparently this time my dad has been talking to my brother for a while about moving down here. I guess since my stepmom filed for divorce and he didn't succeed in killing himself, now he's groping about for any bit of family he can get. To keep him busy? I have no clue. He was just starting to act somewhat normal again. Having us over for dinner. Talking about his new grand daughter (my sister's new Schipperke puppy--oh so cute!). Then he drops this bomb on us. My brother will be here at 6:00 today. He's living with my dad. Which means my dad will begin drinking again and quite possibly doing drugs again. I think I'm still in shock at the news.

In other news, Hailey is still not sleeping well. She went to sleep by 9:20, was up by 10:20, didn't get her back to sleep til 1:00am. I'm at my wits end. I'm exhausted. She's exhausted. I have to get her up at 6:40 during the week. She begged me to go back to bed this morning. She threw tantrum after tantrum and refused to let go of me at the sitter's. She had to bribe her with Cookie Crisp (I muttered "Thank GOD for cookies" and quickly left!) to get her to let me leave. I got to work at 7:35 and already had a horrible migraine. BLAH

I SO deserve a cherry sundae tonight!!!!!!!!!

PLEASE GOD let Hailey sleep tonight. Please. I'm exhausted...

Is this even an option?

My mom has brought an option up to me quite a few times...and I've thought of it myself over the last year. Every time it's brought up we both say it just wouldn't work...and I really don't think it would. But I'm really interested to hear opinions on this subject, so I thought I'd throw it out there.

My mom and I are best friends. I mean I she is really and truly the one person that I'm almost always in the mood to hang out with. We've always been best friends, even when I was a little girl. My parents separated when I was a year old and divorced when I was about three. My mom has always been my one person I can count on through thick and thin. We're so much alike it's scary. We don't even have to talk sometimes, because we're almost always thinking the same thing. She knows when I'm going to call her (we talk on the phone multiple times daily, to the point that my husband jokes about it) and she knows when something's wrong with me before I have even talked to her that day. Thursday night before she went to bed something told her to plug her phone in (she usually unplugs it at night so nobody will wake her up). So when I called her at 3:30am she answered on the first ring and wasn't surprised at what I told her. She's at my house about 5 days of the week. We cook dinner together, go grocery shopping together, hang out on the weekends together. She loves Hailey to pieces. She's the 3rd part to our little circle now. So we keep saying it's silly for my mom to have her own place, a job she doesn't like and us to have to pay for Hailey to be in daycare when my mom would be more than happy to stay home and care for her. We keep saying if she would quit her day job and move in with us, we could 1. afford a bigger/nicer place to live because we'd be $500 a month richer for not having to pay daycare and 2. we would never have to worry what we were going to do with Hailey when she's sick. Dan and I could both keep working, we could afford a house, afford to have another kid. But...my mom and I fought really bad when we lived together. We each needed our own space. Even now, if we spend a little too much time together in a week, we start to bicker a bit. Would it ever work, all living together under one roof? I know other people that do it. My sister in law's mother lives with them and watches my nephew while they're at work. My stepmom lives with my step sister and her kids. I know other races do it a lot too, esp. Mexican and Asian families. It's common in their culture. My husband wouldn't mind. He gets along great with my mom. If we found a place that was big enough, that had separate levels to where we could still each have our own space...would this be such a bad thing? Our fear is, we'd move in together to try it out, not get along, and 1. my mom would be out her wonderful townhouse that is cheap in rent but in a good area and 2. we'd be stuck in a lease on a place we can't afford. I mean to start off she'd keep working and we'd keep Hailey in daycare. We'd just see if living together would even work. But also I worry about my kids getting too attached to my mom. Or the other way around. We lived with my grandma when I was little and I loved it. I never saw her as my mom, just like a "second mom" sort of. I had different relationships with my mom and my grandma. I'm sort of just putting my thoughts down on "paper" here. Does anybody have any thoughts on this sort of thing?

I'm still here

Things have been pretty crazy over the past 4 days. It hasn't been wonderful, I'm not going to lie. I went to the ER Thursday night where they gave me Zofran for my extreme nausea and sent me on my way. That did its trick, thank God...I got home about 5:30am and called my boss and left a voicemail about what happened and how I wouldn't be there that day (I presume this is what I said, although I can't remember any of it) and then I laid down to try to finally get some sleep. I got about an hour of sleep before my alarm went off at 7:30. I called my boss again...again, I don't remember the conversation except her saying something about that happened to her once w/ a cough medicine. Then I called the babysitter to let her know Hailey would be there she'd just be late...I do remember wanting to get off the phone so badly because I was so out of it. Get this...I don't even remember who took my kid to daycare. That's how messed up I was. It was either my mom or my husband. I have no idea. It was a really scary episode that I never want to go through again. I don't understand why anyone would put themselves in that state intentionally whether it be through abusing prescription drugs or using recreational drugs. Seriously, who would WANT to feel so out of it like that? Anyway, I slept Friday morning and watched TLC and Dr. Phil Friday afternoon until D got home with Hailey.

Saturday was actually okay. Hailey woke up with her right eye gummed shut but I just thought it was her cold and cleaned it off for her. I did some housework, played with Hailey, cooked a really good chicken and rice casserole and took some of that to my mom (she's still got this head cold that the rest of us have except she's worse since she has asthma)...and then went to my dad's for the evening to see my sister's new puppy her husband bought for her for her birthday and try to cheer my dad up. He's being served with divorce papers any day now and knows they're coming so he's pretty down again. Hailey had had diarea for about a week at that point...she had a huge blowout before we left my dad's. I had to give her a bath there it was so bad. Thank God I had extra clothes for her. By the time we got home my left ear was so clogged I couldn't hear out of it.

Sunday Hailey woke up with both eyes gummed shut. I woke with both ears clogged so I could barely hear at all. We had a low key day. Hailey still wasn't eating much but she didn't poop all day either so that was good.

Yesterday, thank GOD we had off work already. I woke up feeling like absolute CRAP. I had a full blown head cold/sinus infection again. Luckily last time I had a sinus infection I was bad and only took like 1 day's worth of my antibiotics so I had almost a full week of that left. I started that and called my dr. No appointments til Friday. Wasn't I just saying she was wonderful? Yea, I'm starting to second guess that...they told me to go to the convenience clinic. That's why I have a dr., so I don't have to go there. Anyway they told me to try Mucinex. I had to take Hailey to the dr. She has pink eye in both eyes and an ear infection. I am at my wits end. It's just one thing after the other lately. I have no idea where she got pink eye, nobody else has it. And we're so good about hand washing and all that. I don't know, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. Luckily Hailey's diarea was gone today, my left ear opened up somewhat and my sinus pressure lessened after I took a nap.

Then last night I had a really hard time getting Hailey to sleep. She kept sitting up and pointing at her door saying "The door Mommy, the door" and if I tried to sit up to look she'd say "Lay back down!" and sort of freak out. I finally got her to sleep and got to sleep myself about 11:30. By 12:30 D was in our room holding her, saying she'd woken up and was insisting on laying down w/ me in her bed. I took her in there. At first she was okay. Then she started freaking out. She begged to go lay down w/ us in our bed. I told her she had to stay in her own bed. She finally settled down but then would cry every 15 minutes or so. I finally got out of her room at 3:30 am and went to bed. I had the monitor on because my head is still clogged and I heard her wake up every 20 minutes or so crying or talking. One time she said "No, I don't like it! I don't like it!" and then went back to sleep. I'm not sure if the eye drops were hurting her eyes even though she repeatedly told me no when I asked her, or if she's starting to have nightmares or night terrors, whatever they're called. I kind of wondered when she was pointing towards her door...D had the dining room light on to do homework and you could see it through the cracks of the door. I normally have the light off. I don't know if this scared her, or what. Her favorite movie these days is Monsters Inc. In the beginning it shows a monster creeping out of the closet door to scare a kid. I think it looks like it would scare her. She's always acted like she thinks it's okay, and then funny when he falls on the jax and hurts his rear end. But maybe w/ the light coming in around her door last night she started putting 2 and 2 together in her little head and got scared? I don't know. All I know is neither one of us really slept last night.

This morning was horrible. I am so upset, for so many reasons. One, she fought her eye drops really bad. She was hysterical. I tried pinning her down, nothing worked. I can pin her down and shove medicine down her throat no problem. But because I can't stand to have anything touch my eye, I could only try for so long to do eye drops on her before I broke down bawling. I hate putting her through that. She was so scared and mad and upset. I called my boss and told her I was going to be late to work. I woke up D and told him what was going on. He had to pin her whole body down and help me pry her eyes open. We finally got it done. The poor thing was still so upset. You could tell her feelings were hurt. She's been telling me so much lately that she loves me, out of nowhere and with such emotion that it almost brings me to tears. I love it. This morning, I could tell by the look in her eyes, she was really hurt. And that hurts me. To make her feel hurt and betrayed like that. I'm supposed to be her safe haven, the person that keeps her from harm. And here I had my legs wrapped around her, trying to pry her eyes open while finally losing it and yelling at her to stay still because Mommy had to go to work or I'd get in trouble. AAAAH! I hate this. It's just not fair. If I hadn't of had to go to work I could have let her sleep in, wake up rested and be more receptive to the drops. She wouldn't be at daycare right now exhausted and feeling like crap, wanting her Mommy. This morning after it was all said and done and she was cuddling in D's lap whimpering while I tried to get dressed...I just lost it. I started bawling. I told D that I've had it. That as soon as we can I have to quit working because it's just not fair to her or to me. I told him I don't care if we have a nice house or nice cars. I cannot do this anymore. I try really hard to hold it all together, but when I've got a sick baby wanting her Mommy and I have to pawn her off on other people because work is getting mad because I'm gone so much, it just gets to a point where I can't handle it anymore. It breaks my heart. And nobody at my work cares what's going on. How I'm feeling, how she's feeling...I don't fit in to their little clique. They all talk behind my back. Even the ones I thought I got along with, as I found out this morning. I got to work this morning 30 minutes late. I was already feeling like I was going to burst into tears at any moment and then I get an email from the completely anal secretary, or building "mom" as I call her that ended with this:

Miscellaneous
One last thing that I have been asked to bring to everyone's attention is that when food is brought in for all of us to share, please use either a napkin, tongs, or other utensil to select an item with. Do not touch an item with your hands if you are not taking it. With as many people as we have in our office, it seems like there is always someone (or their kids) sick, so let's try to minimize the spreading of those germies!

This was directed right to me. Which really really hurts. I had suspected it, but for them to announce it to everyone like that in a building-wide email...that just wasn't necessary. We are scheduled for certain goody days and on my days they never eat what I bring. Then one day the girl that used to be pregnant and have HG said she wanted a scone that another building had brought for us. I was going back there to get some water and I offered to help her move them to another tray because the other building wanted their tray back that evening. I washed my hands really well and while she washed a third tray I moved them onto one of the trays we already had. I even commented on how I wash my hands so much they are so dry they hurt, because I didn't want her to think it was gross that I was touching all of them. After I had moved them all, she made the comment "I think I'm just going to have my leftover bagel" and then walked off. I even told my mom what happened that day, and how I really thought that she didn't eat one just because I'd touched them. I had a cold at the time, but ok I had just washed my hands really well and I barely touched them! With 2 fingers, just long enough to plop them on the other tray. The next day a few of them were gone, but most of them were thrown away. What hurts is this is one of the girls I talk to on a regular basis. That I thought liked me. But apparently my suspicions were true. I had a feeling she went and told the others what had happened so they wouldn't eat them. Then we get that email today and I know that it was directed at me. I'm one of the very few that has little kids and I'm the one that touched all the scones. From now on, when it's my turn to bring for goody day I'm not wasting my time cooking some nice dessert that they're not even going to eat. I'll just buy something cheap. One time I bought nice frozen chocolate pies and nobody even ate those! I mean these were good expensive pies! If they make a comment when I bring in a package of store made cookies I'll just say I didn't want to get them sick from my daughter's germs. But what really bites my ass is the fact that in this same email, the lady makes the comment that if you use the dishes in the lunch room you need to help unloading the dishwasher. I'm one of the few that don't help with this because I rarely use the dishes and I didn't want to touch them all and possibly infect them with my germs, seeing as how they obviously think I'm gross since they never eat the food I bring in. So, I'm not supposed to touch their food, but I am supposed to touch the dishes they're going to eat said food off of? Riiiiiight. That makes a whole lot of sense. I'm not talking to any of them anymore. I'm done. Monthly birthday lunches? Screw that. I've got errands to run. I'm sick and tired of them treating me like a disgusting outcast...because what, I rent my home and none of them do...I am poor, and they're all swimming in money...I wear older clothes, they've all got a wardrobe full of new fashionable outfits. Whatever. They don't even know me...they don't even try to get to know me. They don't like the other new lady either, because she's an older lady that doesn't care about fashion or money and is, get this, "too helpful." The only person that doesn't act like I'm disgusting is my boss. She's pregnant and she even asked to use my Chapstick last week when I had a cold. I assured her I hadn't used it in weeks so it would be okay and she really didn't seem too overly concerned. Anyway, the point of my rambling is I'm hurt.

And I haven't started yet even though it's already Tuesday. I switched to a new brand this last month, I'm praying to God that's the reason. I'm sorry I know babies are great and all, but I will be devastated if I'm pregnant. That is just so not what I need right now...and I don't want a repeat of how my life went when I got pregnant with Hailey. I wanted the next time to be different.

Sorry for the huge pity party but things are just bad right now. Hopefully they start to get better from here on out.

Cymbalta SUCKS

I'm up at 3:30 in the morning...what's wrong with that??? I'm freaking out. That medicine does NOT agree with me. I woke up feeling frantic and wide awake. I'm shaky, sometimes dizzy, and I just feel AAAHHH! like I'm freaking out. I am not feeling like myself at all. I called the hospital because on webmd it says if you're feeling like this to let your dr. know immediately. The dr. on call for my dr. told me I can't take this medicine anymore and if I am feeling like this I need to go to the ER. I feel horrible, I had to call and wake my mom up to take me. I can't drive like this. I could barely walk across the house without feeling like I was going to trip. I HATE this feeling, this is horrible!!! I want it to go away, I want to be back to my old self again!! The dr. said that could take 2 to 3 days! :( This is why I don't like trying new drugs. I react to things pretty strongly and the last antidepressant they tried to put me on for pain made me feel well sort of like this now that I think about it. I am exhausted yet I feel like I could just run around in circles a million times and talk a mile a minute non stop. Frantic, is that the word???? All yesterday I felt like I was going to throw up and then in the afternoon I started to feel like I was going to pass out and I was dizzy off and on. I still took my 2nd pill at 11:00 because supposedly those are side effects that go away with use. Ok I'm not depressed, I don't need my mood altered! I would rather have my joints throbbing in pain than feel like I'm high as a kite! Seriously this sucks.

Not to mention the fact that NOW I find out that this drug can be addictive and when you take it for a while and then go off it you have withdrawal symptoms. ????? WTF? Ok this just isn't for me. Maybe it helps some people but...I don't need that sort of help(nothing wrong with you if you do, don't get me wrong).

The dr. said they may be able to give me something at the ER to help speed up the wearing off process. I just want to feel normal again.

Now I can really say, FINALLY some answers!

I had my appointment with my new dr. today. She's a general practitioner. My mom has gone to her for a while and they diagnosed her allergies and asthma so I was really hopefully she would be able to figure out what the heck is wrong with me as well. My previous dr. basically tested me for rheumatoid factor and when that came up negative said she was referring me to a rheumatologist. And then never did. That was the last straw. Thank goodness this new dr. accepted me as a patient. My first impression of the office when I walked in was great. It was nice and quiet, only one other person in there. The receptionist was really nice. I was nervous since I don't do well with change but I was so hopeful she was going to be able to help that was sort of outweighing my nerves. I didn't have to wait long and the nurse called me back. She sat with me and asked me a lot more questions than the questionaire I had already filled out asked. Very in depth and thorough. After a while with her and after she took my vitals (my heart rate was a little low, she asked me if that was normal--I honestly have no idea) and then had me put on the most lovely paper dress LOL then had me sit back in the chair. I told her the dr. was really going to appreciate the fact that I hadn't shaved my legs in quite a while! LOL She laughed and said they're all women around there and that they say in the winter it's just extra insulation! The dr. also joked about hairly legs w/ me and shared her own hairy leg embarrasment story with me! That put me at ease, that they could joke with me about something like that but yet be so professional at the same time. The dr. came in and was very nice. She went over my history again and we briefly went over my IBS issues. I told her I think I'd found a solution that works for me for now (MiraLAX, if you have issues you need to try it) and that my real issues were with my joints and muscles aching, mostly my hips and knees. We talked about everything a lot and she actually listened to what I was saying...she came to the conclusion that she doesn't think it's an arthritis problem. She said typically arthritis is a problem when you wake up and moving around can help it. I have the opposite problem...I wake up maybe feeling just a bit stiff and by the end of the day some days I am hurting so bad I can hardly walk. Motion worsens me, it doesn't make me better. Because I was born with congenital hip dysplasia she thought it was probably related to those issues. First she did a pressure point test for Fibromyalgia which I knew I didn't have. My aunt has this so I knew it's not what I had a long time ago. Sure enough, she said I didn't have a single one of the pain points you typically have with Fibromyalgia. Then she did a range of motion test on my hips and was pretty surprised to find that my range is half that of a normal person my age. She also tested my knees a bit and she exclaimed how easy they were to pop in and out. I just kind of shrugged and told her they've always pretty much done that and she told me what they're doing isn't normal! She called it something specific, which of course I can't remember now. I always just attributed my loose joints to being just that, loose joints. No problem. Apparently it IS causing me problems. She said I need to get started on physical therapy right away to help strengthen certain muscles in my legs to help my knees and hips. She also had me go get xrays taken of my knees and hips to determine how much damage has been done. Along with this she wanted to do a full blood workup, testing me for thyroid issues, blood count etc. to make sure everything looks okay there. I also had to give a urine sample (having to pee in a cup was one of the things I hated the worst about pregnancy!). She also gave me 6 weeks worth of Cymbalta. It's a low dose, only 30 mg. She said while it can be used for an anti-depressant they also use it to treat generalized pain that isn't associated with inflammation--therefor it isn't helped by Advil or Tylenol--like the aches diabetics get. Since Advil and Tylenol do nothing for my aches, she thinks Cymbalta might help. My other dr. mentioned trying this but never went any further with it. The whole visit lasted over an hour! I cannot begin to describe how glad I am that somebody finally took the time to sit and listen to my issues, believed what I was saying and really tried to get to the root of the problem. I'd started to think I was crazy, that it was all in my head somehow because my other dr. didn't take the time to help me figure out what's wrong. It was such a good feeling to have somebody sit there and say "This is your issue, and I think we need to look into this further and see how bad it is, and this is how we're going to try and help NOW before we even know the severity." Basically I start my physical therapy Monday after work. I'm supposed to take the Cymbalta for the 6 weeks, and then I have another appointment scheduled with her next month. I'm not sure if we'll go over the tests results then or they'll let me know when they get them back or what...I honestly don't remember. It was a lot of info in one day to remember! One point that was brought up that I want to note is that this started getting a lot worse after I had Hailey. It's been going downhill ever since. I didn't understand why until today, now it all makes sense. Carrying her for 9 months put so much extra strain on my hip and knee joints...I could barely walk by the time I was at the end(that didn't stop me from hobbling down the hill from the parking lot to eat me some Chipotle now did it??? LOL Even if it did take me a good 10 minutes to get down there! Good times...)...that it basically caused my joints damage. That's why they've been hurting worse since I had her. So now I'm nervous about having more kids...will it get worse with the next one? Am I going to be in a lot of pain in my joints when I'm pregnant next time? And we're wanting to wait a few years...is this something that's going to get worse over time and I SHOULDN'T wait to have more? That would be really unfortunate because we're really wanting to buy a house before the next one. But I guess we'll figure all that out when the time comes. I'm relieved to finally have a good doctor that I can trust and have faith in and I'm relieved to finally have some answers. On one hand, I'm also relieved to find out it's not arthritis...but on the other hand, it's scary to find out that it's actual physical "deformities" or whatever you want to call it. All I could think about was my grandma and her knee replacements and hip pain. As he dr. was telling me the physical therapist would be able to teach me some wrapping techniques for my knees, I was picturing my grandma sitting there in her bed rubbing rubbing alcohol on her knees and then wrapping them tightly in ace bandages. Is that how I'm going to end up? Having to have knee replacements and all that? God I hope not. But at least now I know what's wrong.

So, I'm jealous...

Ok, so last year D and I had decided we'd start trying for another baby in Dec. 07. We told people. Some were happy, my mom wasn't. My friend that already has 2 kids that I've known since birth (she has a house, and a husband that makes good money, and she's a SAHM--hello, that's MY life she's living!) decided it would be really fun to be pregnant together so she convinced her husband to have a 3rd and said they'd start trying in December as well. I wasn't so happy about that, because what if our plans changed? And I know this might sound self centered or whatever, but my first pregnancy was so unplanned and everyone was VERY unhappy about it...not to mention my sister in law was pregnant at the same time...so I never got to enjoy my first pregnancy and have everyone make a big fuss over me! I hid it for as long as I could, I was totally ashamed even up until I had her. If my friend was pregnant at the same time, she would share some of my spotlight this time. I know that sounds really immature...I can't help it. Well anyway, as everyone knows, our plans DID change. We realized that D would be in school longer than we thought to finish his degree...and we realized we really really want a house. We rent a decent place, it's a decent size, we actually really like it. But it is a townhouse, we are connected to another unit on one side. We want our own house that we can customize and call our own(with more room preferably!). We also want to enjoy Hailey a little longer! Let her be the baby for a couple more years. So I told everybody we'd decided to wait. My mom was relieved. Others didn't really care either way. My friend and her husband kept their plans to try in December. So last month when she emailed me and said she thought she was pregnant because she was late, but it turned out she wasn't...I felt bad but I was relieved. Then she emailed me this morning...she's pregnant. And I am SO happy for her. Really I am. I promise. I can't wait to go through this with her again and see what her next one looks like and see if she'll finally get her little boy that she wants. I really, truly am so excited for her! Seriously! But...at the same time even though if I did get pregnant right now I would be really unhappy...I can't help but feeling jealous. That was supposed to be me! And it would have been SO neat to have been pregnant together, now that I think about it...it's what we always planned and dreamed of when we were little girls. To be pregnant together and have our kids be best friends just like we were. Hailey and her youngest are 9 months apart. They like each other but it's still not the same, not what we dreamed of. So, I'm going through a whole range of emotions right now. Wishing it was me, glad it's not, jealousy, excitement, happiness, jealousy, jealousy, oh and did I mention jealousy? Yea...

I know it'll happen one of these days. I just hope my husband's career choice is really that important to him. I'm putting my dreams on hold for him to be happy. I've changed everything about my adult life to accommodate him. He had better make it worth it in the end!

It probably doesn't help that another friend's girlfriend had her c-section today and D went to see the baby(I can't, obviously, because I'm sick)...everybody's having babies or getting pregnant lately :o) It's just so weird. I don't want to be pregnant right now. Seriously. I had a scare last month and I almost threw up thinking about being pregnant right now. It's NOT want I want! But I'm still jealous...does that make ANY sense? Or am I just crazy???

Well after taking care of Hailey all week I've caught her cold. My mom has it as well. Last night mine settled in my left ear and I started getting a bad earache. That's the ear I got all the infections in as a child and as a result have hearing loss in. Now I can't hear out of that ear at all because it's so clogged and I'm having the sharp stabbing pains. :( I've also got a huge amount of congestion and drainage. I'm so glad Hailey is feeling better, I hate it that this is how bad she felt last week. I just hope it goes away soon. If not, I have an appointment with a new dr. on Wednesday anyway. I got no sleep last night, I tossed and turned all night...but I don't have any time off work to use for myself...I always have to use it all when Hailey's sick. :( I'm just praying I can make it through the day and that it will go by fast.

Yay!

I had to go to Walmart at lunch today to pick up this Triaminic fan thing another mom recommended I try for Hailey and I decided to check and see if they had her quilt set I had wanted to get her for Christmas. They've been out of the twin size forever! THEY FINALLY HAD IT! This picture does NOT do it justice, it's MUCH prettier in person! I'm so excited!! I can't wait to wash it and get it put on her bed.

Mission: Organization

Hailey's been sick this week so I haven't had much free time at all to do anything let alone blog. I think I've also hit a blogging slump. I'll think of things to write about and by the end of the day I can't remember a darn thing. I've spent what little energy and time I have had on the other blog...the one where I pretty much talk non stop about Hailey and post a lot of pictures(it's hard to bore family on the subject of Hailey). She's pretty much all I can think about right now.

But, since it's been a while since I've written anything I'll take the few minutes I have this morning to attempt a post.

For Christmas I asked my mother for a huge favor. I asked her to FINALLY help me unpack, organize and clean my house. When we moved in I had little to no help since D was out of town on a golf trip and things pretty much just got thrown into my dining room. I mean the whole contents of my house except the furniture were literally piled almost to the ceiling. Slowly I regained use of my dining room (we even have a dining set now GASP!) by moving the boxes of our crap to other rooms. It got to the point where being in my house really stressed me out. I like organization. I like cleanliness. I don't like to walk through my bedroom and have to squeeze around the towers of boxes, hoping one doesn't topple over on me (ok that's an exaggeration, they were safely stacked...the towers wouldn't topple...don't want people to think I was putting Hailey in danger here). I don't like feeling like my house is dirty just because of clutter. But I just don't have the time or the energy to get my house in order by myself. I needed help. Thankfully, my mom agreed and she is awesome at this sort of thing. Last weekend we had BEAUTIFUL weather around here. It was a wonderful weekend! I realized I had been suffering from a case of the winter blues...it's amazing what a little nice weather and fresh air will do for your spirits! We opened up the windows and spent our mornings in the back yard playing. I realized something while I was sitting there drinking my coffee, watching Hailey go from toy to toy. She really is a lucky little girl. We may not have a ton of money, but she has everything she needs or wants right now. My mom and I are total bargain hunters(it gives us a thrill...ok it gives ME a thrill, she just likes to save money) and have found Hailey a whole back yard full of toys for less than 50$. She's got a slide, a sandbox, trikes etc. I'm REALLY looking forward to spring where we can play outside every weekend!! The afternoons we spent getting started on organizing my house! We did a LOT in a short amount of time. Dressers were moved, huge amounts of crap were thrown away(3 big boxes of stuff, various little boxes and one HUGE yard waste bag full of crap!!)...we have almost reclaimed our bedroom and after moving all the computer equipment, printers, camera accessories etc. to the bar we now have a dining table to eat at again! We got a lot accomplished and the place is already looking better. Our bedroom looks huge! Our tentative plans for this weekend are to gather up ALL our clothes(which would fill a room in itself...we've accumulated a huge amount of clothing over these last 10 years that we can both still wear--we don't even remember what we have 99% of the time!!), go through all of them and weed out what we don't wear to donate to good will(a lot of mine will go to my niece...she's like 10 years old and almost my size, I'm such a runt) and then finally PUT THEM AWAY. I have a horrible habit. I don't mind doing the laundry or even folding it. But I hate putting it away. We just don't have enough storage for all our clothes. So that's part of the plan. The other part is maybe taking Hailey's crib down (finally! It's been sitting there empty for months!) and buying a little shelf to organize our bathroom products. I have been seriously sore all week, my knees and ankles have been hurting really bad, from moving all the big stuff last weekend. My mom thought I'd want to take this weekend off, but I'm way too excited about the finished product!! Hopefully this weekend will be a bit more low key than last but an equally productive one!

I don't feel like writing so here's a few random pictures :o)

I was going through all of my MySpace photos and came across this one...I don't think I've ever shared it. This was the top to our wedding cake, one year later. Still perfect after all that time! Tasted great too :o)

And this is me being a goober (in my friend's words) in my new pjs...I just realized I look boobless in this pic...

This is a picture of a tree here in town. I actually stole this picture from Hailey's teacher's blog because ours was crappy compared to hers...isn't it beautiful??? It's even prettier in person!!! It's a huge tree, taller than the guy's house...in his front yard.

These next two pictures are at a house here in town. They always decorate really big like this and this was Hailey's first year seeing it. She LOVED it...her favorite was the car.


I just realized I think I missed my blogoversary... :o(