Tuesday, September 16, 2008

She's gone...

She left Saturday night at about 8:00. I'm just now writing about it because I finally feel like I can think about it and not cry.

I was at her house late into the night Friday night. We spent hours making a sign for my family to hold up when my brother in law came home. We played Scrabble and Yahtzee and laughed. I got lunch with my sister and cousin one last time Saturday. I went to pick up Hailey and went back to my sister's house. She made a sign for herself to hold up when BIL got home and my cousin, other sister and I played Scrabble again. It was a really weird day. We all tried to act normal but it just felt...off. It's like we were trying to ignore the inevitable. Then the time came and my cousin left. They bawled. I busied myself packing up my brother's ferret as we're ferret-sitting him until they get back (ok I'm honestly seriously contemplating keeping the little booger...we've already grown quite attached to him, even though he smells funny and I have this odd paranoia about animals being dirty...I've already hinted around to my family that we might not be able to give him back) so luckily I had a distraction to all the sadness going on around me. After that I decided we should probably go. I hugged everybody but avoided my sister. Finally she walked over to me and I told her if she came near me I was going to cry. And I started crying. Hard. I couldn't even look at her. She just hugged me while we cried. I told her to take care of herself and that I loved her.

OK I thought maybe I could get through this w/out crying, but um, I was wrong. Crap.


Anyway, it almost seems unreal. I've even slipped and said "where she lives now" in reference to the house she lived in here...that's not hers anymore. Then I remember she lives in freaking CA and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I didn't get much sleep all weekend. I'd lay in bed and cry. Sounds ridiculous, I know. But I've never been this far apart from her for this long. I can't hang out with her anymore. All we have are phone calls. I can't protect her out there. I've tried to protect her from everything since she was born. And I can't anymore. But I guess that's just part of growing up, right? She's married now, she has to learn to live life and deal with everything without me there to hold her hand. I just pray to God she does ok. Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Being alone is hard. After her excitement fades and the reality of the situation sets in I worry about what'll happen. With her history...I just pray to God constantly to watch over her. All we can do now is wait...and see how it goes.

And hopefully things will go fine and this tight, anxious feeling in my chest will fade. And I'll get used to her not being here. And I can busy myself with other things/people. And hopefully the same will happen for her...

1 comment:

Jaime said...

Hey Erin ;)

I'm just catching up on blogs, I'm sorry I've missed so much!

I hope your heartache eases, I know this cannot be easy. I have a younger sister and although we are not as close as we once were I still worry about her.