Wednesday, April 9, 2008

So...yea...

Ok I'm having a morning, I just need to vent. I'm exhausted. Here I am worried I'm pregnant, my boobs have started leaking colostrum which started happening right when I got pregnant with Hailey and completely quit once my milk dried up after I quit breastfeeding...I'm worrying about money and what our parents and the people I work with are going to think if I am.

I'm also excited about Hailey's mini-celebration I'm having for her birthday Monday evening (D will be gone to another tournament so we're having her real party with all her guests after this semester is over) but I've also been really busy with that, ordering the little cake--she picked a Ratatouille cake with Remy and Emile on the top, so cute!--finding the darned dollhouse (found it on Ebay, brand new, it's on it's way here in a UPS truck right now, YAY!) letting family know about the mini party etc. (my mom, sister, and mother and father in law will be there!) Am I supposed to feed these people since they'll be there at dinner time?? I don't want to have to cook and waste all that time...any suggestions??

I just don't feel like I have anything together right now. I'm behind at work because my job is too much for one person to do and my boss who always liked to key some of my stuff is on maternity leave...so I'm swamped. And I hate feeling like I haven't gotten anything done, and I hate not even feeling like I have time to get up and get a glass of water or go pee.

Then last night I'm finally in bed, trying to go to sleep, and my husband starts harassing me for whatever sort of sexual activity I will give him. COME ON. Seriously. Just let me go to sleep. Oh and the great thing about this (note the sarcasm in the GREAT) is that we had just finished talking about how my boobs are leaking and looking at my preggo pictures from Hailey and noting how my belly at the end of the day right now looks just as big as when I was about 4 months pregnant with Hailey...no joke (I pointed that out in the 4 months picture, D didn't believe me so I stood up and showed him my belly and just the look on his face said it all...then he says "OH." Nice.) ...and then he harasses me for sex??? When I'm worried about being pregnant and showing him my bloated stomach and talking about my boobs leaking?? Are you kidding me? What is wrong with men?? I finally bitched at him to get out of the room enough to where he went all drama king on me and stormed out. I finally got to sleep. And had another one of those dreams...the one where I come home after work and realize I left Hailey at home all day by herself. But this time it was even more real, because I came home to our home where we live now and sat down at my dining room table and heard something and looked up and Hailey's standing there at the gate I put up across her bedroom door, in her pjs, hair a mess, crying. I felt horrible again. Why am I having these dreams? Does this have something to do with being scared I won't give her enough attention if I have another baby??

I must have shut my alarm off this morning because I woke up late. I found a bunch of dirty clothes and pillow cases on the floor at the end of the bed, in the spot my husband thinks is his hamper for some odd reason. I should have thought "oh how nice, he changed pillow cases"...instead I said out loud (oops, meant to just think it) "this is not a freaking hamper, JEEZ COME ON!" and I woke him up. Feel really bad about that. What a way to wake up in the morning, to your wife bitching at you. I feel bad about bitching to him last night so much too and rejecting him so harshly...I tried to explain to him that I was just exhausted and no way could I be nice at all, I was just too pissy and tired. But he takes it personally.

Ok well I just had a great conversation with a coworker about our kids farting (she's got 2 little girls, ages 4 and about 6 months) that had me laughing so hard my cheeks hurt. Lovely topic, but man did it help my mood brighten a bit!

I'll end this on a good note. Last night Hailey and I brought up YouTube and danced and sang like crazy to Hole. She loves Celebrity Skin. You should have heard her trying to sing it with me! And she was so cute, shaking her little boody and waving her arms. Eventually we got a little worn out and I brought up Sarah McLachlan's song Angel. I've always thought about my cousin(the one who killed himself my senior year in highschool and was like a brother to me) when I've heard this song before and it nearly always brings me to tears but helped me feel happy too knowing he was with God now. So last night I'm holding Hailey, she's got her head laying on my shoulder, I'm swaying to the music and singing to her...then she looks up, cups my chin in her hands like she does and sort of rubs my cheek and looks at me with the sweetest little look on her face. The moment was priceless. I'm not a crier but boy did she make tears come to my eyes. She's my little angel...she's the light in my life! That song will always have new meaning for me now! And I realized everything's going to be just fine.

"You came into my life like a promised sunrise...brightening my days with the light in your eyes. I've never been so strong. Now I'm where I belong."


4 comments:

Joanna (Mof2) said...

Ok...I am no dr nor midwife, but if you are leaking colostrum, then you would have to be pregnant, or have so sorta hormonal thing going on. Did you get a test? You gotta get a test! You have to know! That way you will be a little bit closer at preparing. Then on another note, you should feed them if they will be there around that time. Go for hot dogs! So easy, simple and fast! And pretty cheap I might add. : )

Erin said...

Hadn't thought of hot dogs...that's a good idea! Cheap and really easy! Awesome, thanks!

I'll get a test next week if I haven't started by then. It's still early on. Maybe I will this weekend. I'm scared to! On one hand I'm scared to because wow what if I am? And on the other hand I'm scared to because if I'm not, then what the hey is up with my body, you know? And I don't want to test too early and get a negative but it was just too early to test and I really am?

And honestly I'd rather just have my period show up and find out I'm not that way rather than have a negative on a test. Even though it was unexpected and totally unplanned and now is not a good time...I'll still be really let down in a way, if I'm not. I wish we COULD have a baby right now. If D was working we would. It's just not a good time money-wise.

Kayce said...

At least your husband finds the thought of you pregnant as sexy. It might be bad timing and inappropriate of him to make advances when he did, but he must not hate the idea of another kid as much as he makes it sound if he could still want nookie after that conversation. And your moods and the dreams sound hormone-fed too. Go get a test!

Jaime said...

I have a delicious recipe for homemade sloppy joes if you'd be interested. They are cheap, easy and above all TASTY ;)