It's a.....

GIRL!!!!

I just found out that my sister in law is finally having a girl!! I am beyond excited, I cannot wait to have a little niece. I'm super excited for her, she's wanted a little girl so badly for so long. When she found out her 2nd baby was a boy she bawled (which of course she got over). It's been so long since I've had a baby niece to spoil.

On the other hand, Hailey's not the only little girl in the family anymore. And seeing how that was the only thing making her special to my inlaws(I know that sounds harsh, but if you knew my inlaws you would totally understand and believe me 100%) I'm super afraid she's going to get totally overlooked once this baby is born. Let's hope and pray that's not the case.

New Shows!

I finally found a couple new shows on TV that I really like. I am LOVING my DVR...I'm not missing an episode! I absolutely LOVE Ashley Paige: Bikini or Bust on TLC...I don't know what made me even watch this show, but I watch it every single week. I love her mom, she is so sweet and innocent and I love how Ashley treats her so nicely even when she does something devastating that sets Ashley back. I love how she does not for profit work (or tries to) and I don't know, the show is just really entertaining. My 2nd new show is Must Love Kids, also on TLC. As a child of a single mom I've always wondered what it would be like dating w/ kids (and let's be honest, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two what it would be like for me if I ever did leave D). I am so sad that I forgot to tape the 2nd episode...I thought I had the DVR programmed for weekly...maybe D erased it, hmmmm. Anyway I was sure to tape the 3rd episode last night! Can't wait to watch it!!

My weekly lineup of "Can't Miss" shows now consists of:

Monday night--Jon and Kate Plus 8, TLC

Tuesday night--Must Love Kids, TLC

Friday night--Ashley Paige, TLC

Can you tell I love TLC??? :) I also loved the show The Next Food Network Star, but the last show was just this past week! Looking forward to next season!

Things I Love

~Soft cuddly socks~

~Big comfy sweatshirts~
~Free coffee at work~
~Homemade cookies from my mom~
~Hot tea~
~Snuggle time with Hailey~
~My furry leopard print blanket~
~Finding a new show I like on TV~
~Pink Starbursts~
~Vanilla Lattes from Starbucks~
~A great coupon~
~Fruit crisp~
~Handmedowns~
~A clean kitchen~
~Cool Fall weather~
~Brownies~
~My blue fluffy oversized bathrobe~
~Days off from work when I pretend I'm a SAHM~
~Eating downtown~
~Holidays~
~A good home cooked meal~
~Quilts~
~Fried apples~
~Wheat pennies~
~A soda (or 2) a day~

What are some of your favorite things?

Apalling

THIS article was a real eye-opener...it just goes to show, you really can't eat out and eat a "healthy" meal anymore. I knew it was bad, but not this bad!!

I'm buying THIS book when it's released August 19th. I'm marking my calendar.

Head on over to Jo-Jo's Place, Joanna's having her 500th post blog party this week! It'll be tons of fun, she's having awesome giveaways every day!! Go check it out!!

I know last time I said I learned my lesson, but it is so so so hard when it's 11:30 at night and you're finally falling into bed and then realize you've forgotten to pick up your pills, to get up and get dressed and drive across town to Walgreen's. Even if it's 2 nights in a row. So I started my pills a couple days late again this month. I didn't worry too much about it though since things had been going ok and things worked out ok last time. Until that fight happened, and then my boobs started hurting BAD and swelling and leaking and I'm so tired I can hardly function and oh yea, this happened again...

Yes it is too early to take a test and yes I'm in my underwear, whatever, I'm sorry, but I so do not give a crap at this moment. I am hot and I am exhausted but I'm restless and I'm hurting and I just really could care less so please don't judge. So anyway even though I'm feeling even more pregnant than I did last time, I'm convinced that this is purely a hormonal effect from starting the pills so late. The same thing happened last time, even if it was less severe. I still can't help but worry though because this couldn't have happened at a worse time, considering the argument we had last Sunday night. Hopefully this will work out just like last time did. And I'm thinking maybe I need to start calling my pills in and picking them up like a week in advance so there's no way this could happen again.

So, moving on...

The apron I helped Hailey make Wednesday night (I did her name at the bottom and the "2")...

Miss Hailey getting ready to go to school Friday...

And because I know you all are just dying to see my before and after pics of my carpets (the stairs) since I wrote about it in the last post...

BEFORE:

AFTER:

And I just wanted to say thanks for the kind words of support you all left in regards to my last post. That really meant a lot to me.

Yep, I'm still here...

I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth. We've been so busy w/ everything going on it's been hard to find a spare moment to do ANYTHING, let alone sit down and write a blog post. I hate that my life is always so busy, I want down time, I want ME time and FAMILY time.

Which is what I'm choosing to write about today.

I could write about the old fat lady in Walmart that stopped me and asked how old Hailey was and then told me I need to be putting dresses on her. And how that really pissed me off but how I amazingly enough kept my cool.

I could write about how much I love my new house. But we're all sick of hearing that right? And who really wants to see my nerdy before and after pictures of my carpet...before I cleaned it, and after, WOOHOO! Ok I was really excited about that. But I'll spare you.

I could write about my friend's upcoming baby shower I'm hosting, and my plans for that.

I could write about how I'm thinking of opening an Etsy shop, which plays into this whole "more ME time" thing...I'm craving a hobby, I haven't had one for YEARS. Hailey and I painted an apron for her last night and it was so fun..and messy, and you know what, I loved it and it was so relaxing!! I have all these images of stuff to make in my head, but don't have all the supplies yet and it's really frustrating me.

But what I'm choosing to write about today is the fact that my husband has disappointed me yet again. I know you're all sick of hearing it. I know that's all I seem to write about. So I wasn't going to write about this. I was going to try and keep my personal stuff personal for once. But I can't. I'm just so deeply upset by it. Not like "boohoo" upset, but just...so let down. So bummed about it.

It all started Sunday night. We'd had a GREAT weekend. Fun, productive...I wasn't ready for it to end. I made the comment that I can't wait til D gets a permanent full time job so I can finally be a stay at home mom and never have to get the Sunday night blues again. And then he dropped the bomb that shattered my dreams and ruined our perfect weekend. The bomb that ended up keeping us up til well after 2:00 in the morning arguing, while I bawled hysterically almost the whole time.

He told me I'll never be a stay at home mom. Ever. That he's not working so I can stay at home and be lazy. Even though in the past we've talked about it, a LOT, about how I can't wait to be able to stay home and clean all day and take care of Hailey and take her to do fun things...and our other kids too. And he agreed that's the right thing to do and even bragged to his brother that I would LOVE to be a SAHM when his wife wants to be anything BUT a SAHM (which pisses me off because she was one for a while and hated it and chose to go back to work). But all of a sudden, for whatever reason, his feeling on the issue has changed. I would think maybe it was just because he was dreading going back to work the next day just as much as I was...but this went way beyond that. It ended up turning into this huge thing, where it was obvious he didn't give a crap about my dreams or my happiness. He informed me that the field he's going into doesn't make money and that he's going into this field so he can be happy with his job. He won't be making much money at all. So there's no way I can stay home. Ever. I told him there's no way I'll ever be able to have any more kids if I have to keep working, with the daycare rates around here. "Oh well" he says. I told him that it's so unfair of him to spend $20,000 of our money to get this degree to get a job he likes and make next to nothing...it's so unfair that he gets to be happy and I have to bust my butt every day at a job that (let's be honest here) I hate, and think about my kid all day and miss her like crazy, then go home exhausted after work to try and clean the house and clean the messes HE'S made and feed us all dinner and clean up from that and get Hailey her bath and not get much fun time w/ her at all. Just so he can have a job he likes. His response? "Get a job you do like." Um, hello, sweetie, jobs I would enjoy don't pay squat. Like try $6.50 an hour, if that. And that doesn't take care of the fact that somebody else is raising my kid for me while I bust my butt just to keep us afloat. And it's always been my dream to be able to raise my own kids, because my mom was in the same boat I am now when I was a kid and I hated it, I never saw her and when I did she was always stressed and tired. AND, me getting a job I like doesn't help the problem of us not being able to afford more than one kid in daycare. So basically I get to continue working at a high paying job I hate, not get hardly any time with the one kid I do have and can never EVER have anymore kids because we can't afford daycare for two...so he can be happy working his low paying job that he loves. He doesn't care. He doesn't care that I don't get any of my dreams, that it's our kid's life he's impacting. I'm not asking to be rich, I'm just asking for him to be a man and support his family so I can FINALLY enjoy my child's life. And have another baby, because that's ALL I've ever wanted in life, is to have kids. All I ever strived to be was a mom. Even though it happened sooner than I would have liked for financial purposes and for other reasons like me not being sure I wanted to stay with D for the long haul...that's what happened, but now I can't even enjoy her. Or myself. Or anything. And it's all because of him, and he doesn't care. He has told me before that he "has to look out for #1." IMO, that's not something a husband that loves his wife and daughter would say, let alone feel. I bawled, I was so devastated. No more kids. No more time with Hailey. Shit job I hate for the rest of my life. Isn't that something great to look forward to?

I woke up Monday morning with my eyes so puffy there's no way I could leave the house, let alone wake up Hailey...I would have scared her. I seriously looked scary. I finally got the swelling to go down enough with cold compresses to go into work. I could tell my boss genuinely felt for me. I didn't go into detail, but they see how D treats me, and she knew something was wrong. When I dropped Hailey off at daycare the sitter gave me that look and told me not to worry, I just looked really tired. I tried to get past it. I was afraid D was going to leave, which is something he said he was going to do. So I didn't bother him all day. I was shocked when he called me and was very nice at the end of the work day. Relieved, I let the issue go.

Tuesday was our 2 year anniversary. I really tried to enjoy it. D actually came and took me to lunch. At the end of the day I came home to flowers and a card. I felt bad, I hadn't done ANYTHING for him. We went to dinner, it was nice. We also went to see the new Batman movie which was awesome. The rest of the week has been fine. I haven't mentioned anything to him.

But I'm so hurt. My dreams are never going to happen. It is just so...I don't know the words...just such a huge disappointment to be told that not a single one of your lifelong dreams is going to happen. And it's not like I was dreaming of being a millionaire or a movie star or traveling the world. I just wanted kids. And to be able to raise them myself and enjoy my time with them. That's all. I didn't think that was much to ask. Apparently I was wrong.

I took this from Courtney over at Small Town SAHM. She was unhappy with her score just as I'm unhappy about mine...but for different reasons. I've always wanted to be more old-fashioned, I'm not one to strive to be a "modern woman." But apparently I have failed completely at the whole "old-fashioned" thing...

6 As a 1930s wife, I am Very Poor (Failure) Take the test!

Hailey passed her swimming lessons!!! YAY!! I'm so proud of her. She did such a good job! Now when she turns 3 she can move on to the next level! In the meantime we'll keep working on the things she's learned!

This morning in a time span of about an hour I:

~Put Hailey back to bed at 5:30 when she woke up

~Got myself and Hailey ready

~Cleaned up the cat throw-up from all over my bedroom floor

~Dried the load of clothes I washed last night so I'd have jeans to wear today

~Found my tennis shoes that I haven't worn since before the move

~Picked up the kitchen a little bit (trash from husband on the counter like always)

~Made husband sign his paycheck so I can deposit it at lunch today

~Emptied the trash in the kitchen and bathroom

~Scooped the litter box

~Changed a poopy diaper (2nd diaper of the morning)

~Bagged up and took out the trash

And it's not even 8:00 yet...

Hello!

We finally got satellite last Thursday and with our special deal oh-so-cheap (way cheaper than cable!) package we get a free DVR. IT.IS.MARVELOUS!!! I am absolutely loving it and totally putting it to good use. I can actually watch my shows now and tape them every week by only scheduling ONE TIME...I don't even have to think about it, the thing just tapes it for me. It's wonderful!

Hailey's last swim lesson is tonight. I'm so glad we did it because she's so much more comfortable in the water now and can even go under while holding her nose and whatnot, but I am so so so glad this is the last lesson. I'm so tired!! Every single night has been tough to do! We haven't missed a single class though, I think we're one of 3 kids that has been there for every class. The class has dwindled down to just 5 little girls, aged 6 months to almost 3 with every stage accounted for, and they are ALL so adorable and doing so well! It'll be sad on one hand for it to be over, but also a HUGE relief. I think Hailey will be happy too...she's had a lot of fun, but she's obviously feeling the same way about it as I am as her interest in each class has obviously gone way down as time goes on.

Everything else has been going great, just really busy. The house is coming along nicely, I'm slowly getting unpacked and getting everything clean. We still absolutely love it, even Hailey is just so happy there. Because we're all so happy there, I think we're all getting along a lot better now too. Hailey hasn't acted out nearly as much as she had been, she's been great. D and I are getting along a lot better...I think since I'm so happy with where we're living now and relaxed because there's no traffic, no noise, more room, it's in MUCH better shape, there's lots of kids around for Hailey to play with...I think I'm being much nicer to D these days! Little things like him leaving a mess in the kitchen don't bother me nearly as bad as they used to. I pretty much just clean it up and go on. I'm just so happy to have such a nice kitchen now, I don't mind cleaning it. We've actually been spending time together, being nice to one another and **GASP!!** hugging, kissing and even having sex! OH MY! I'm actually finding that I LIKE him again! It's such a change, it's amazing. Hopefully it continues, especially after he starts school. I'm nervous about his last semester of school because he won't be working full time anymore, but I'm trying to put money in savings here and there to get us through those 4 months with minimal money freak outs.

That's really about all going on in my world right now. I'm so ready for everything to die down and get back to normal so I can have some free time. I've seen a couple things in Etsy shops recently that I would REALLY like to try my hand at making. Also my 2 year wedding anniversary with D is coming up soon, on the 22nd. We're not doing anything special, I'm finally letting him play in the local games this year so we'll probably just go out to dinner and maybe have my mom keep Hailey for a night (if I can get her to sleep overnight there...she won't stay anywhere anymore except home...she loves her own bed, I guess there could be worse things!).

Hope everyone is having a great week!

Meme

I stole this from Emmakirsten...

A is for age: 25.5! LOL

B is for beer of choice: I pretty much hate beer...every now and then I can tolerate a Corona Light w/ lime, but I really just don't drink

C is for career right now: Accounts Payable, BORING!

D is for your dog’s name: I am NOT a dog person! They are cute from afar but I'm allergic and they smell and they're dirty...puppies are cute til they poop on the floor, SO GROSS!

E is for essential item you use everyday: hand soap, toilet paper

F is for favorite TV show at the moment: Jon and Kate Plus 8

G is for favorite game: I never get to play games...so, I don't know, monopoly?? Online I like this cafe game and a cake baking game on msn.com

H is for Home town: Central Missouri :)

I is for instruments you play: None

J is for favorite juice: apple cherry

K is for whose butt you’d like to kick: nobody at the moment but I'm sure somebody will piss me off in the next few days!

L is for last place you ate out at: TGI Fridays, Hailey always asks to go there for some reason!

M is for marriage: Married 2 years on the 22nd! Although we'll be together 9 years this September...

N is for your full name: My name is Erin, my middle name is REALLY common, and my last name is very wintery! ;o)

O is for overnight hospital stays: When I had my tonsils and adenoids out in 3rd grade, when I got really really sick when I started labor and then when I had Hailey!

P is for people you were with yesterday: Coworkers, Hailey, our parents as teacher's educator and the people in Hailey's swim class

Q is for quote: "I will not eat that cat poop!" ~Anchorman

R is for Biggest Regret: That's pretty personal

S is for status: Status of what? I'm bored...I'm married...I have a kid...I'm employed...

T is for time you woke up today: 5:35 the first time then somehow I snoozed the alarm til 6:10!

V is for vegetable that you love: all veggies!! YUM!

W is for worst habit: worrying too much

X is for x-rays you’ve had: when I was born, on my hips since they weren't developed...my teeth loads of times LOL, on my GI tract, and then most recently on my hips and knees to make sure everything was ok.

Y is for food you ate today: A blueberry cake donut, and I only ate that because I'm SOOOO sick to my stomach and thought it might be because I seriously needed to eat...I didn't eat hardly anything for dinner last night.

Z is for Zodiac sign: Sagitarius! I have no idea how to spell that...

It's the little things that count

I love having a little girl. She's my little buddy, my mini me.

Hailey has taken interest this week in my pantyliners. She takes the paper off, goes in the bathroom to throw it away, then comes back in the bedroom and gives it to me to put on. This morning when I did she clapped for me "Yay!!" Hey it's the little things that count!! :)

Every morning the last thing we do before going downstairs and putting on our shoes is a little bathroom routine of deodorant, apple spray, and lotion. Hailey loves doing this little routine with me. She used to have me put the deodorant on her. Now she puts it on all by herself! It is SO cute to see her hiking up her shirt and putting it on her little armpits. Not that she needs it, but she wants to be just like Mommy and I guess it's a good habit for her to get into anyway, right? Then she closes her eyes while I spray my beloved Country Apple spray (I bought a case of this when they discontinued the scent years ago--one of the VERY few scents that doesn't give me a huge headache!!) over her head and then spray it a bunch of times on myself. I use my bath and body works special lotion (one of those fancy ones, jasmine vanilla or something I can't remember but it smells SOOOO good and one bottle has lasted me like 3 years, no joke) and today she started using my after sun lotion that smells like coconut lime. She smears it on her little legs and arms. It's such a simple little routine but it's a special little part of our morning!

LoveLee Soaps

I just had to share this wonderful Etsy shop I found recently!!

My mother in laws birthday had come and gone and I still had no idea what to get her for a gift. One day I remembered that she'd commented on my polka dot peppermint bar soap I have in my bathroom left over from Christmas. She thought it was really neat. So I got on the internet in search of cool/interesting soaps and came across THIS site!LoveLee Soaps has so many cute/interesting products to choose from. It was hard to narrow it down to just a couple! The prices are amazing (I was VERY impressed by the shipping prices too!) and the product is well worth the the money!! I got the soaps I ordered in the mail last night and they're every bit as cute as the products pictured and I cannot wait to give them to my mother in law! I know she will love them!! The products I ordered are:

The Blueberry Whale Soap...$3.75 for a set of 3

The Lemon Slices Soap...$3.00 for a set of 2 slices

My whole order was only $10.00 including the shipping!! I will definitely be ordering from this shop again, very soon! Hailey LOVES getting mail and was super excited when the soaps came...she was very sad that they weren't for her!! I'm thinking of ordering one of THESE for her.
The shop also has a variety of other products including soapsicles which I think are a very cute idea. I almost ordered one of these for my mother in law. Another product they carry that I thought was really neat is soap on the go, a convenient way to carry soap in your purse/diaper bag etc.

If you like these sorts of products you really need to go check this site out!!

I am shocked to report that pecan pie actually isn't half bad. I actually like it. Weird.

Better day

So I'm in a better mood today. Believe it or not, last night actually went as planned. **GASP!!** I was home by 4:30 (I'm totally loving how close I live to the sitter now!) and after piddling around, having a snack, shaving, getting our stuff together...we still had an hour to go before her lessons started! D decided to go which shocked the hell out of me. I'm glad he did because I would have been so nervous and confused without him. When I got inside the place I had no idea where to go. It's my old highschool but I never went inside the pool building!! I took bowling for PE. :) Hailey had a good time. She threw some minor fits because she wanted me to let her go but finally I just flat out told her that if I let her go she'll sink to the bottom and die. Pretty blunt I know, but it got her to quit pitching a fit. She knows what dying is because she accidentally kills roly polies sometimes (read: she bends them backwards or rips them in half--on accident of course) and I get onto her and tell her that now it's dead and will never come back to life to play with her. I firmly believe in telling the truth when it comes to things like that. Anyway she loved it so much she wasn't ready to get out of the water when the lesson was over. I, on the other hand, was freezing my ass off and SO ready to get out! I can't wait to take her back tonight though, even though I'm dreading the cold water. After we got home I made her dinner and she ate a TON! She even drank her milk from her big girl cup really well...she got her first fat lip at daycare yesterday so she can't use a sippy very well without it hurting. After dinner I was going to give her a bath but she was so worn out from swimming she told me she needed to just go to bed! I was shocked! So we skipped bath time, read WallE and went straight to bed! I woke up at 10:00 and went to my own bed and got some much needed sleep! (Except for my husband waking me up when he got home because he wanted to know where some video tapes of him in Canada are...like I know!! He actually turned on our bedroom light to look for them! He has some nerve! And then Hailey woke up at 1:00 for about 45 minutes, no idea why...but I still got extra sleep!) So I'm in a better mood today...the problems and issues are still there but I'm feeling more positive about everything and feeling more proactive about the situations. I'm hoping tonight goes as well as last night did.

I have to say that I am totally loving my new kitchen. I LOVE how it's set up, I LOVE my counter space, I LOVE how my cabinets aren't old and grubby but newer and clean. My floor doesn't look forever dirty like the linoleum at the old place did--that nasty industrial crappy looking stuff--because the kitchen and bathrooms have tile floors at our new place...I love it! And I totally LOVE my new appliances! I don't even care that my dishwasher and stove are Hotpoint because they are NEW and they work!! And they look nice! And my fridge, OMG we are in love with that thing. The fridge is new, and it's BIG, and it cools everything evenly!!! No more spoiling milk on one side or frozen milk on the other!! It's amazing!! It has a huge freezer too, I actually have a ton of room in there now! We also love our huge master bedroom. I thought our old room was a decent size...this one is huge! We even have a little dressing area w/ extra closet space and a light. I am SO incredibly glad I made the decision to rent one of these duplexes. They are extremely nice and well kept, in a VERY quiet and safe area, more convenient for our commutes, Hailey LOVES it there, we have TONS more space...and the rent is incredibly cheap for the size and age of this place and the area that it's in. They are seriously the best deal in town, no doubt about it. Now I know why they go so fast and why people stay for long periods of time when they get one. My husband kept saying (you know the D...y Downer that he is...) that we'll be moving again in a year because I will find something about this place I don't like. I finally told him that actually, he's completely wrong...I'm afraid we're going to HAVE to move in a year because of his stupid job and I'm not going to want to leave this place! That shut him up!

Tired

So I didn't end up going to my sister's house after the fireworks on the 4th. My dad had to be a turd, like always, and make them go ahead and do the fireworks before we got there. Or so they said. Whatever, I didn't really care! I was very happy to just go home and go to bed. It was 11:00 when we got home from just the city fireworks! Hailey didn't like them this year. She kept telling me all day, as we were cleaning the old place, that she was going to watch fireworks that night that went way high up in the sky with the helicopters. There were helicopters, there were fireworks, but she didn't watch them! She made me cover her ears tight with my hands and even cover her eyes! She did watch some of them reflecting on a car, she told me "Mommy there's fireworks on the car!" and then she told me "Daddy's watching the fireworks!" and then she covered her eyes for the rest of the show. Silly girl. She told me they were too loud and too bright. Maybe next year...

Saturday I went to the wedding instead of shampooing the carpets at the old place. They looked clean enough and I was just DONE with that place, ready to be free of it!! The wedding was boring, as always. I'm just not a wedding person. Especially since it's really hard to sit and watch people so in love when my husband and I are still not doing so hot. Yep, I'm bitter. But whatever. My sister in law showed up at the reception thank GOD, so at least I had somebody to talk to. My inlaws totally pissed my husband and I off, haha imagine that! They completely ignored Hailey the whole time my nephew was around. Then when my nephew left they acted SERIOUSLY depressed, no joke it was ridiculous, and they wouldn't talk to or play with Hailey at all. We just left, we didn't want to be there anyway. Hailey fell asleep on the way home and I couldn't get her to wake up at ALL til 8:00!!! Then we had a friend come over (A that watched Hailey the week I was without a sitter) and we took Hailey to my mom's to stay the night so the three of us could just drink and hang out, which I NEVER EVER EVER get to do. We went to get our favorite pizza and had just gotten home when my mom called and informed me Hailey was NOT going to stay at her house. She told my mom that she would stay and play and eat but then she was going home to her own bed. Sure enough, midnight comes along and my mom brought her home. I spent the next 2 hours trying to get her to sleep. So, once again, I didn't get a break...by the time I passed out in bed from exhaustion at 3:00 I wasn't even thinking straight. Hailey's morning poop woke her up WAY too early at 8:30 the next morning so she wasn't in the greatest mood Sunday. Neither of us were. Once again I had to seem like the over bearing annoying freakishly worrisome bitch of a wife in front of D's friend on Sunday...finally I just had to leave the house. He was not helping me do anything at all, was skipping out on the plans we had that day, and I just lost it. I took the keys back to the old place, thank God I'm done with that. I left them a rent check. Hopefully now I'll get some of my deposit back and that's all with that.

Yesterday evening my mom took Hailey outside to play (because where we live now there aren't 100 Mexicans around eying down my little girl, and there's no traffic at all, it's marvelous!!) and I passed out. I literally could not stay awake, it was BAD. I am overdoing it. I know I am. But I can't help it. There's a million things to be done. I'm so so so happy at the new place. I really am. But I'm sort of feeling myself sliding back into a slump and I know it's because I'm so tired and so busy. But I'm very short with people, even Hailey...I'm finding myself feeling sort of down even though nothing's wrong. I'm feeling crappy about everything. I should be having so much fun, in our new place, Hailey starting swimming lessons tonight, etc. etc. but all I can think of is the huge list of tasks I need to complete, the huge list of bills I need to pay, how my husband keeps telling me his motto about life is "Who cares!?!", and on and on and on. What the heck is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can I not make myself get on a schedule? Is it because I always have a million things going on and don't have TIME for a set schedule? I'm resenting work big time because they're not giving me any time off to take care of any crap at all. I keep telling myself I'll do this and this and this when I get off work, then I'll get Hailey in bed by 8:30 and then myself in bed by 10. That NEVER happens. I'm always just getting out of Hailey's room at about 10:00, then I have chores to do, then I don't get into bed til well after midnight. I'm not sleeping well at the new place because our bedrooms are upstairs now and much hotter than I'm used to. I need to be COLD to sleep. But I can't afford to turn the air way down at night. Which leads me to yet another problem...the fact that I can't get my husband to stop pissing away money like we're rich. He spends at least 10$ a day on just food and snacks alone, if not 20$ on some days. Random Gatorade's here, McD's there even though I've made dinner...he just doesn't care. We don't have money for groceries because of it. We have a budget, and if he'd stick to it we'd have money for gas and food every month just fine even with him only bringing in under HALF what I do every month. But because of his negligence we don't have any money left over after bills if we can even afford our bills. I'm going insane. I don't know what to do. I think this is a big part of my funk. I hate money problems and it's all his fault, yet again. I'm busting my butt to hold everything together, get everything done, try to make sure Hailey still has some fun...I'm doing everything, like always, and I think I'm wearing down. But there's no end in sight. I'm just not sure what to do, where to go from here. Each day that goes by, the less sleep I get, the more money he spends, the greater my list of "to-do's" grows, having absolutely no free/down time whatsoever...I just get more and more bitter and tired and down and the harder it is to joke around and be silly and laugh and enjoy my life. It's a never-ending list of chores and things to do. It never ends. I read about everybody doing fun things with their family...I don't get to do that stuff. I don't have time and I don't have the opportunity. I feel like I'm just here to take care of the crap so everybody else can have no worries and have fun. Perfect example...my husband does one little thing around the house and he wants to know what he gets...what's his reward. Does he get a blow job? (HEYALL NO! Sorry, gross.) COME ON. GROW UP. My response? What do I get? For all the work I do? He's always stumped, and he walks off. Do I deserve a prize? For paying the bills, doing ALL the housework, working every day to bring home a paycheck so we can survive, taking care of our daughter and making sure she grows up a lovely well-rounded person...what do I get? I get more dirty laundry flung all over the bedroom, I get more dirty dishes and food left on the kitchen counters, I get to NEVER EVER EVER have any me time, not even to take a crap in peace...my husband gets fast food, I get ramen noodles...my husband gets golf and friends and free time and I get blueberry poop diapers and cat throw up on the carpet and 3 hours of sleep a night. WHEN WILL IT END? There has to be an end in sight. I have to be appreciated one of these days. I have to get free time eventually. RIGHT?

I'm telling myself this week will go fine. I get off at 4:00. I pick up Hailey at 4:15. We'll be home no later than 4:25 since we live so wonderfully close to the sitter now. I can shower and shave so I'm not scary in my swimming suit. We can eat a little something (please God, give me some quick dinner ideas that Hailey will eat...) and be at the pool by 6:30 easy. She'll love swimming lessons, everything will go great, we'll get home by 7:45, eat, she'll take a bath, and I'll have her in bed no later than 9:00. I'll get some sleep, feel better the next day, then we'll have a repeat excellent evening. Next weekend I'll expect my husband to be gone like usual, I'll clean the garage out, get the stuff out of my house and into the garage, and get my carpets shampooed.

Somehow I don't feel like it will go that smoothly...

Crazy

Yesterday was the big moving day. We're all moved in. Major unpacking to do but it's coming along. Hailey is the best kid ever. She loves the new place, had no problems with us moving all her stuff while she was at daycare, told the sitter all day about how she was moving to a new house...she slept ALL night in her new room last night all by herself just fine. She hasn't even mentioned the old place. My cat, on the other hand, is doing her usual moving routine (this is her 6th home including the first one where she was born, then the other 5 with me). First she cowered in her box, then she investigated each level of the house, then she layed around in the middle of all the floors as if to say "Yep I'm TOTALLY cool with moving, no prob guys!" and then she kept me up all night howling. This will last for at least 2 days. I have no idea how I am still functioning. It took me a good 2 hours for my brain to wake up this morning. Well that plus a cup of coffee. I feel like I'm in a fog. I get off work at 11:30 today. The dish network people are coming between 12 and 5 so I have a really good excuse to stay home and unpack instead of go and clean the old place. Tomorrow I'll be spending my 4th cleaning the old place, then watching the city fireworks, and hopefully having a margarita at my sister's later that night while Hailey snoozes at our new house w/ my mom. I never get to do things like that! Saturday we're SUPPOSED to go to D's cousin's wedding. His mom's going to hate me forever but I'm not going. I just can't. I have to completely finish cleaning the old place so we can be out of there by Sunday! Busy busy. Then I have to work again come Monday! Then next weekend I have to drive to St. Louis for my cousin's little girl's 3rd birthday party! And unpack some more! Talk about busy! I'm ready for life to settle down again...

My husband has finally admitted our new place is a lot bigger than our old one. He loves it. He has already hung a dart board in the garage (which stinks like filth, they didn't clean it, ew!).

I wore shorts to work today and lucky me it turned out to be totally appropriate...they're having a BBQ at lunch today and decided to wear tank tops and shorts. I must by psychic.