I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth. We've been so busy w/ everything going on it's been hard to find a spare moment to do ANYTHING, let alone sit down and write a blog post. I hate that my life is always so busy, I want down time, I want ME time and FAMILY time.
Which is what I'm choosing to write about today.
I could write about the old fat lady in Walmart that stopped me and asked how old Hailey was and then told me I need to be putting dresses on her. And how that really pissed me off but how I amazingly enough kept my cool.
I could write about how much I love my new house. But we're all sick of hearing that right? And who really wants to see my nerdy before and after pictures of my carpet...before I cleaned it, and after, WOOHOO! Ok I was really excited about that. But I'll spare you.
I could write about my friend's upcoming baby shower I'm hosting, and my plans for that.
I could write about how I'm thinking of opening an Etsy shop, which plays into this whole "more ME time" thing...I'm craving a hobby, I haven't had one for YEARS. Hailey and I painted an apron for her last night and it was so fun..and messy, and you know what, I loved it and it was so relaxing!! I have all these images of stuff to make in my head, but don't have all the supplies yet and it's really frustrating me.
But what I'm choosing to write about today is the fact that my husband has disappointed me yet again. I know you're all sick of hearing it. I know that's all I seem to write about. So I wasn't going to write about this. I was going to try and keep my personal stuff personal for once. But I can't. I'm just so deeply upset by it. Not like "boohoo" upset, but just...so let down. So bummed about it.
It all started Sunday night. We'd had a GREAT weekend. Fun, productive...I wasn't ready for it to end. I made the comment that I can't wait til D gets a permanent full time job so I can finally be a stay at home mom and never have to get the Sunday night blues again. And then he dropped the bomb that shattered my dreams and ruined our perfect weekend. The bomb that ended up keeping us up til well after 2:00 in the morning arguing, while I bawled hysterically almost the whole time.
He told me I'll never be a stay at home mom. Ever. That he's not working so I can stay at home and be lazy. Even though in the past we've talked about it, a LOT, about how I can't wait to be able to stay home and clean all day and take care of Hailey and take her to do fun things...and our other kids too. And he agreed that's the right thing to do and even bragged to his brother that I would LOVE to be a SAHM when his wife wants to be anything BUT a SAHM (which pisses me off because she was one for a while and hated it and chose to go back to work). But all of a sudden, for whatever reason, his feeling on the issue has changed. I would think maybe it was just because he was dreading going back to work the next day just as much as I was...but this went way beyond that. It ended up turning into this huge thing, where it was obvious he didn't give a crap about my dreams or my happiness. He informed me that the field he's going into doesn't make money and that he's going into this field so he can be happy with his job. He won't be making much money at all. So there's no way I can stay home. Ever. I told him there's no way I'll ever be able to have any more kids if I have to keep working, with the daycare rates around here. "Oh well" he says. I told him that it's so unfair of him to spend $20,000 of our money to get this degree to get a job he likes and make next to nothing...it's so unfair that he gets to be happy and I have to bust my butt every day at a job that (let's be honest here) I hate, and think about my kid all day and miss her like crazy, then go home exhausted after work to try and clean the house and clean the messes HE'S made and feed us all dinner and clean up from that and get Hailey her bath and not get much fun time w/ her at all. Just so he can have a job he likes. His response? "Get a job you do like." Um, hello, sweetie, jobs I would enjoy don't pay squat. Like try $6.50 an hour, if that. And that doesn't take care of the fact that somebody else is raising my kid for me while I bust my butt just to keep us afloat. And it's always been my dream to be able to raise my own kids, because my mom was in the same boat I am now when I was a kid and I hated it, I never saw her and when I did she was always stressed and tired. AND, me getting a job I like doesn't help the problem of us not being able to afford more than one kid in daycare. So basically I get to continue working at a high paying job I hate, not get hardly any time with the one kid I do have and can never EVER have anymore kids because we can't afford daycare for two...so he can be happy working his low paying job that he loves. He doesn't care. He doesn't care that I don't get any of my dreams, that it's our kid's life he's impacting. I'm not asking to be rich, I'm just asking for him to be a man and support his family so I can FINALLY enjoy my child's life. And have another baby, because that's ALL I've ever wanted in life, is to have kids. All I ever strived to be was a mom. Even though it happened sooner than I would have liked for financial purposes and for other reasons like me not being sure I wanted to stay with D for the long haul...that's what happened, but now I can't even enjoy her. Or myself. Or anything. And it's all because of him, and he doesn't care. He has told me before that he "has to look out for #1." IMO, that's not something a husband that loves his wife and daughter would say, let alone feel. I bawled, I was so devastated. No more kids. No more time with Hailey. Shit job I hate for the rest of my life. Isn't that something great to look forward to?
I woke up Monday morning with my eyes so puffy there's no way I could leave the house, let alone wake up Hailey...I would have scared her. I seriously looked scary. I finally got the swelling to go down enough with cold compresses to go into work. I could tell my boss genuinely felt for me. I didn't go into detail, but they see how D treats me, and she knew something was wrong. When I dropped Hailey off at daycare the sitter gave me that look and told me not to worry, I just looked really tired. I tried to get past it. I was afraid D was going to leave, which is something he said he was going to do. So I didn't bother him all day. I was shocked when he called me and was very nice at the end of the work day. Relieved, I let the issue go.
Tuesday was our 2 year anniversary. I really tried to enjoy it. D actually came and took me to lunch. At the end of the day I came home to flowers and a card. I felt bad, I hadn't done ANYTHING for him. We went to dinner, it was nice. We also went to see the new Batman movie which was awesome. The rest of the week has been fine. I haven't mentioned anything to him.
But I'm so hurt. My dreams are never going to happen. It is just so...I don't know the words...just such a huge disappointment to be told that not a single one of your lifelong dreams is going to happen. And it's not like I was dreaming of being a millionaire or a movie star or traveling the world. I just wanted kids. And to be able to raise them myself and enjoy my time with them. That's all. I didn't think that was much to ask. Apparently I was wrong.