Thursday, July 24, 2008

Yep, I'm still here...

I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth. We've been so busy w/ everything going on it's been hard to find a spare moment to do ANYTHING, let alone sit down and write a blog post. I hate that my life is always so busy, I want down time, I want ME time and FAMILY time.

Which is what I'm choosing to write about today.

I could write about the old fat lady in Walmart that stopped me and asked how old Hailey was and then told me I need to be putting dresses on her. And how that really pissed me off but how I amazingly enough kept my cool.

I could write about how much I love my new house. But we're all sick of hearing that right? And who really wants to see my nerdy before and after pictures of my carpet...before I cleaned it, and after, WOOHOO! Ok I was really excited about that. But I'll spare you.

I could write about my friend's upcoming baby shower I'm hosting, and my plans for that.

I could write about how I'm thinking of opening an Etsy shop, which plays into this whole "more ME time" thing...I'm craving a hobby, I haven't had one for YEARS. Hailey and I painted an apron for her last night and it was so fun..and messy, and you know what, I loved it and it was so relaxing!! I have all these images of stuff to make in my head, but don't have all the supplies yet and it's really frustrating me.

But what I'm choosing to write about today is the fact that my husband has disappointed me yet again. I know you're all sick of hearing it. I know that's all I seem to write about. So I wasn't going to write about this. I was going to try and keep my personal stuff personal for once. But I can't. I'm just so deeply upset by it. Not like "boohoo" upset, but let down. So bummed about it.

It all started Sunday night. We'd had a GREAT weekend. Fun, productive...I wasn't ready for it to end. I made the comment that I can't wait til D gets a permanent full time job so I can finally be a stay at home mom and never have to get the Sunday night blues again. And then he dropped the bomb that shattered my dreams and ruined our perfect weekend. The bomb that ended up keeping us up til well after 2:00 in the morning arguing, while I bawled hysterically almost the whole time.

He told me I'll never be a stay at home mom. Ever. That he's not working so I can stay at home and be lazy. Even though in the past we've talked about it, a LOT, about how I can't wait to be able to stay home and clean all day and take care of Hailey and take her to do fun things...and our other kids too. And he agreed that's the right thing to do and even bragged to his brother that I would LOVE to be a SAHM when his wife wants to be anything BUT a SAHM (which pisses me off because she was one for a while and hated it and chose to go back to work). But all of a sudden, for whatever reason, his feeling on the issue has changed. I would think maybe it was just because he was dreading going back to work the next day just as much as I was...but this went way beyond that. It ended up turning into this huge thing, where it was obvious he didn't give a crap about my dreams or my happiness. He informed me that the field he's going into doesn't make money and that he's going into this field so he can be happy with his job. He won't be making much money at all. So there's no way I can stay home. Ever. I told him there's no way I'll ever be able to have any more kids if I have to keep working, with the daycare rates around here. "Oh well" he says. I told him that it's so unfair of him to spend $20,000 of our money to get this degree to get a job he likes and make next to's so unfair that he gets to be happy and I have to bust my butt every day at a job that (let's be honest here) I hate, and think about my kid all day and miss her like crazy, then go home exhausted after work to try and clean the house and clean the messes HE'S made and feed us all dinner and clean up from that and get Hailey her bath and not get much fun time w/ her at all. Just so he can have a job he likes. His response? "Get a job you do like." Um, hello, sweetie, jobs I would enjoy don't pay squat. Like try $6.50 an hour, if that. And that doesn't take care of the fact that somebody else is raising my kid for me while I bust my butt just to keep us afloat. And it's always been my dream to be able to raise my own kids, because my mom was in the same boat I am now when I was a kid and I hated it, I never saw her and when I did she was always stressed and tired. AND, me getting a job I like doesn't help the problem of us not being able to afford more than one kid in daycare. So basically I get to continue working at a high paying job I hate, not get hardly any time with the one kid I do have and can never EVER have anymore kids because we can't afford daycare for he can be happy working his low paying job that he loves. He doesn't care. He doesn't care that I don't get any of my dreams, that it's our kid's life he's impacting. I'm not asking to be rich, I'm just asking for him to be a man and support his family so I can FINALLY enjoy my child's life. And have another baby, because that's ALL I've ever wanted in life, is to have kids. All I ever strived to be was a mom. Even though it happened sooner than I would have liked for financial purposes and for other reasons like me not being sure I wanted to stay with D for the long haul...that's what happened, but now I can't even enjoy her. Or myself. Or anything. And it's all because of him, and he doesn't care. He has told me before that he "has to look out for #1." IMO, that's not something a husband that loves his wife and daughter would say, let alone feel. I bawled, I was so devastated. No more kids. No more time with Hailey. Shit job I hate for the rest of my life. Isn't that something great to look forward to?

I woke up Monday morning with my eyes so puffy there's no way I could leave the house, let alone wake up Hailey...I would have scared her. I seriously looked scary. I finally got the swelling to go down enough with cold compresses to go into work. I could tell my boss genuinely felt for me. I didn't go into detail, but they see how D treats me, and she knew something was wrong. When I dropped Hailey off at daycare the sitter gave me that look and told me not to worry, I just looked really tired. I tried to get past it. I was afraid D was going to leave, which is something he said he was going to do. So I didn't bother him all day. I was shocked when he called me and was very nice at the end of the work day. Relieved, I let the issue go.

Tuesday was our 2 year anniversary. I really tried to enjoy it. D actually came and took me to lunch. At the end of the day I came home to flowers and a card. I felt bad, I hadn't done ANYTHING for him. We went to dinner, it was nice. We also went to see the new Batman movie which was awesome. The rest of the week has been fine. I haven't mentioned anything to him.

But I'm so hurt. My dreams are never going to happen. It is just so...I don't know the words...just such a huge disappointment to be told that not a single one of your lifelong dreams is going to happen. And it's not like I was dreaming of being a millionaire or a movie star or traveling the world. I just wanted kids. And to be able to raise them myself and enjoy my time with them. That's all. I didn't think that was much to ask. Apparently I was wrong.


Kristin said...

I'm so sorry. This is shitty beyond words. I can't even imagine the disappointment you must feel as well as being trapped in a life that you don't want. Frankly, that's horrible & even more so because D doesn't give a crap about anyone other than himself.

I don't write about what Bill is doing (although I have the ENTIRE story pending unpublished), but he & D are similar in a lot of ways. Mostly that they seem to only care about themselves & not anyone else in the family, that's it's always up to the wife to keep the family afloat during any crisis or difficulty & they seem to get away with whatever they want. I don't see any consequences for their actions, which makes us have to step up & be the more responsible adult in the home.

I can totally sympathize with you on how hurt you must feel, to have your feelings ignored by someone who's supposed to care for them just as much as his own. It is the crappiest feeling in the world & it's a hard place to bounce back from, especially if you've been living it for years.

After our trip to Labor & Delivery because of Bill's asshole-like tendencies, I started calling attorneys for consultations (which evidently, would bankrupt our family). We're once again, going to marriage counseling (we'll see how it goes for the SECOND time). Maybe D could use a different perspective from someone else, like a professional.

I couldn't hurt more than it hurts now.

Hang in there & you know my email if you need to vent more than you would like on the blog :)

Ashley said...

Gee, aren't husbands just wonderful? Please don't ever NOT blog because you're worried about sounding too much like a broken record. Because is this blog for you or for your audience? You need to vent. Keeping it bottled up does NOT help. At all. You have people her with understanding, and we are willing to support you.

I have to admit, I have NEVER regretted kicking charles to the curb. It was a very hard decision to come to, but I realized that I'd rather be on my own and happy then be with a man who put himself first and made me completely miserable. It's just such a relief that I don't have that sick to my stomach feeling everyday. It's hard, but so worth it. Hopefully one day I can meet a man who will honor a relationship and family so much more than what the prick did. And hopefully have the rest of the family I so want. I'm not in ANY way suggesting you leave D, but do remember you do NOT have to be miserable.

Joanna said...

To the old lady..Ha! Kelsie only wears dresses to church.

Your inspiring me to clean my own carpets!

I am sorry that D is a self fish (bad word here)! I wished there were some way that he would just see and understand what you want, and make it happen. I have never heard of someone wanting a job that they enjoy if it's not enough to support a family, unless they are single! That's just crazy!

I hope that you will be able to one day have what you want! *hugs*

COURTNEY said...

As I was reading your post, my blood absolutely boiled at your husbands behavior. It seems to me that you make a lot of sacrifices for him, but that he's completely unwilling to make ANY for you. It is absolutely NOT FAIR. I think you would be completely justified to kick his ass to the curb and find someone who shares your vision of family life, but I know its never that simple. Hang in there and keep in mind that you deserve to be happy too.

Jaime said...

Hey Erin,

Boy am I behind, I'm sorry! *hugs*

Listen, the ladies here offer good sound advice and support. I'll be honest (don't hit me) but I can't relate with my husband now BUT I can totally relate with my relationship from before.

Your husband is being a dick of monumental proportions and I have a feeling that the day you say to hell with it and send his ass packing on the shitty husband train, he'll see the light and it may or may not be too late.

You're a great gal and deserve so much better.