Tuesday, October 2, 2007
It's just not fair
I was excited to go to my mom's for lunch today and just sit and eat my nice lunch and read the last Potter over again(to get the details I missed the first time). First I spilled pasta salad all over my nice shirt(hope the oil comes out)...then my dad called. Have I mentioned I'm tired of weddings???? He called asking if my uncle could marry my sister but leave out all the "prayer and stuff or any references to God"...remember, my dad's a Jehovah's Witness(I'm sorry but they are all NUTS). I told him my uncle is a Baptist minister, and if he married A he'd be marrying her as such, not just some guy who's allowed to perform marriages. Just as if an elder from the Faith was to marry my sister, they would make SOME reference to their religion...of course he says "well they won't marry someone outside the Faith." I DON'T CARE. He said that was ridiculous that my uncle won't do that...I wanted to say "well it's ridiculous that they won't marry anybody outside the Faith!" but I didn't want to start THAT fire. He started going on about my uncle preaching false religion. BLAH! I'm tired of hearing it! So if that wasn't bad enough, then he decided it was the perfect opportunity for him to attack me personally. He started going on about how the wedding was just getting to be a huge mess because you know "people all of a sudden can't afford things"...I knew this was a direct reference to me, and I told him as much. I told him I am sorry that I am poor, and if my sister feels the same way then I don't have to be in the wedding! I know she's been stressed about the dress issue, and she's been still scheduling appointments with me to go looking at dresses even though I've told her I'm POOR, but I really thought she understood my situation. Apparently not. My dad said when she was in my wedding she had to buy a dress. HELLO, she was 18 years old, SINGLE, no bills, making over 14$ an hour! I didn't think it was a huge deal to ask her to buy her own dress, seeing as how I had a 3 month old baby, family bills and a wedding to pay for! I just lost it and started bawling and told him that I can't help it that I'm poor and if she doesn't want me to be in the wedding if I can't afford my own dress then I won't be in it, because I can't even afford to buy groceries or pay all our bills each month let alone spend 50 to 100$ on a dress for me and another 50 on a dress for Hailey! He said he has too much going on in his own life to worry about(which meant don't tell me your sob story I don't want to hear it). He said he didn't call to fight(in a very mean tone) and that he just wanted to know about my uncle. I told him "you need to find somebody else, my uncle will not leave his religion at the door just as you won't" and that was that, he said I love you bye and I hung up on him. I called my sister and told her I know she doesn't need any added stress right now but that I DO NOT appreciate him calling me and bitching me out, and that I'm sorry I can't contribute anything to the wedding except myself and my time but I had hoped she'd understand. She said she understood but that daddy and her mother were telling her if I wanted to be in the wedding I need to buy my own dress. Which really hurts, because I talk to my stepmom about our financial issues, a lot, and I thought she understood. And for her to go behind my back like that and basically say she thinks I'm lying about our situation...I'm so hurt. And I'm just done. They've noticed me pulling away from them over the last year, and they've quit even trying to pull me back for the most part. But they still continue to shit on me. Why could I not just have a decent dad, one that actually cared about me? I had gotten to a point where I wasn't letting him bother me. And he noticed. So now he's started taking personal blows at me. Which really hurts, when your own father tells you you're a liar, or that he hates you, or never wants to see you again and you're not his daughter. And then expects you to just forgive and forget when he wants to be friends again. I'm sorry but I can't forget, and I know you're supposed to forgive but I just can't. He's done so many bad things to hurt me in my life, and to hurt other people. He's not a good person, he's insane, he's manipulative, he's just...a horrible father. And as horrible as it sounds...it will be so much easier when he's just gone. So much less stressful, and that huge weight will finally be lifted off my shoulders. I don't want Hailey to EVER have to go through what I have gone through. Nobody should ever have to! And I'm hurting really bad today, from my head all the way down to my fingertips and toes...probably a combination of the weather and stress. My arms are aching the worst. I feel like I ran into a brick wall, my joints are just throbbing. I feel like I want to just leave work, go pick up Hailey, and hold her so tight all afternoon and not have to think about anything except coloring with chalk and hunting for spiders and leaves to step on. But she takes her nap in the afternoons from approximately 1 to 3 or so, so it would be pointless and selfish for me to go pick her up now. I called my mom and bawled to her before I came back to work. It makes her feel horrible that I have to feel this way, but it's comforting to know that somebody else knows EXACTLY how I feel. Thank God for her, that's all I can say. She's been my sanity over all these years...my normalcy. The reason I'm not TOTALLY screwed up :o) I just had to get this all out. My sister hasn't called me back. Hopefully she won't. I was supposed to go with her to find a different wedding dress tonight because her mom backed out on her, but at this point I do not want to spend time away from Hailey doing anything for ANYBODY. I'm tired of pleasing other people. I want us to come first.