So I'm totally swamped and behind at work because of taking Monday off for Hailey's birthday. I have a ton of things to write about but don't have a bit of time to do it...so here are a few bullet points...
~I'm not pregnant. Starting getting cramping in my lower back Saturday. All my symptoms had started to disappear too. Now I'm having my period. So that's over with. I'll definitely be more careful from now on with my pills. This also made us realize we do want another baby sooner rather than later and may start trying as early as this summer, but possibly waiting til D graduates this winter.
~We had a really busy weekend...Hailey's friend had a bday party Saturday and my Uncle's surprise 60th bday party was Sunday. I felt totally uncomfortable and out of place at each since I only knew a few people at each party. After a few meetings with old friends that I felt didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped and then all the forced-socialization this weekend, I'm really feeling my anti-social tendencies flaring up and I'm totally ready for a nice comfy weekend with my family this weekend. My sister and I have plans to clean our cars together. Nice relaxing fun. Seriously needed.
~I'm sick of people who say they're going to do something and then don't do it. Just fess up...you don't really want to do it, can't do it, aren't going to, whatever. Don't leave me hanging to wonder what's up. I'm not going to ask, in fear of looking like a fool or whatever. I don't have time for people like this in my life, nor do I care to try and salvage a relationship like this...so, I'm done.
~My mom confessed to me Saturday night she feels like she's my spouse sometimes because she's my support person. NICE. Way to make me feel like crap. She's my best friend. Apparently she doesn't feel the same way about me. I'm always inviting her over and asking her to do things with us because I genuinely like her company. I've explained this before. But apparently she still feels obligated and can't say no when she wants to because she thinks I can't take care of my own family and life and feels obligated to be my "support" and step in where my husband is lacking. She told me she hopes he'll step up and mature once he graduates, which made me realize just how much I really do love my husband...my defense mode kicked in and I totally defended him saying how stressed and busy he is right now and how he is there for me when he can be. Sometimes that isn't always true, but how dare she say that crap? And again, make me feel like a bum that can't take care of myself or my kid. I'm not over-reacting either. She has told me flat out she thinks I shouldn't have any more kids because I can hardly take care of the one I have. Ok asking her to pick up Hailey when I have to go to physical therapy or when I'm at home puking my guts out from my stomach issues twice every 6 months or so is NOT too much to ask, is it??!?!! I do everything for Hailey, and he's beyond thriving, how am I not taking care of her correctly???? Ok moving on...
~Hailey's birthday went well except for the fact that my mother in law wouldn't quit calling all damn afternoon and delayed Hailey's nap so long that by the time I went to lay her down she was over tired and refusing to nap. I had to let her cry it out for the first time in her life, after I went to another room and screamed at the wall to blow off steam...she cried for like 5 minutes and then went to sleep, no big deal. Still feel shitty about all that happening on her bday though, and we didn't get to do anything fun for her except go to Subway which she loves...and her mini-party that night. I should have taken her to ride the big carousel at the mall. :( Feeling really bad about that. Party went great. I'll update later w/ a pic of her awesome cake. She LOOOOOOOOOVES her dollhouse and can play with it for hours. This morning she sat and stared at it for 20 minutes. I'm already ordering little odds and ends off Ebay for it to use as rewards when she's had an extra good day! I'm totally getting hooked on the dollhouse as well...I never had one as a kid and always wanted one.
~Speaking of her party...I'm getting really annoyed at people calling me and leaving me voicemails (because you know I hate talking on the phone and only answer when certain people call, like my mom, D or sister--sorry no offense I just don't want to talk to anybody else right now) that say "My feelings are so hurt, you didn't tell me about Hailey's party, BLAH BLAH BLAH SOB SOB SOB." Get over it. I didn't want a bunch of people there and I only invited the immediate people in our family who are the least drama-bound. Only my mom, sister, stepmom, mother and father in law were there from our family and then my friend and her little girl came ONLY because they're moving to Japan TODAY. I'm sick of people making me feel bad for my decisions when they're what's best for my family and I KNOW they are the right decisions. BLAH!
I haven't had time to read anyone's blogs. I'm super tired when I get home and still have to force myself to do loads of laundry, dishes, pick up the house, play with Hailey etc. etc. etc.
I just want to go home, put on my new Victoria Secret sweatpants my sister got me as a surprise gift (have I mentioned how great she is??) and take a long nap on the couch. HA! HAHA! Like that'll ever happen!
Oh and I nicked another mailbox w/ my passenger side mirror last night...GAH! I totally suck at driving when I'm tired. I so wish D could be in town to pick Hailey up for me. I have been driving like a snail after that happened. Luckily it was just a nick and the mirror was already broken out. Gosh I sound like such a loser! I really need some sleep, seriously...
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Two years ago today...
...I had been in the hospital only about an hour or two. I'd been in labor since about 10:00 that morning. I had no idea how long it was going to take until I had my baby. Labor was starting to get pretty darned painfull. I still didn't full realize that I was about to have a baby come out of me! I had no idea what was in store for me with a newborn. I had no idea how hard the next 6 months of my life would be. Or how amazingly, wonderfully awesome my little girl was going to be.
One year ago today I was finally really enjoying this mom thing. I'd completely fallen head over heals in love with my little girl! Even though I couldn't believe she was about to be one, she was still my baby. I was excited about that milestone and not really sad a bit. We'd survived the first year...heck more than survived, we'd flown through with flying colors!
Today, my daughter turns two years old. And I'm completely excited...but this year I'm also a little sad. She truly is a little kid now. She's not my little baby anymore. We've finally packed away all the "baby" things to make room for all her "kid" stuff. We have a toddler now...a little kid. I'm so stinking proud of her, and so excited that she's growing up into this amazing little girl. But I can't help but feel like "Where'd my baby go??"
The last 2 years have been the best years of my life. If we could go back and have a choice whether or not to have that little "oops" happen, we would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Hailey is the best thing that's ever happened to me. She's the best little girl a mom could ever ask for. I thank God for putting her in my life!!
And it doesn't matter how old she is, she'll ALWAYS be my baby.
Happy 2nd Birthday Miss Hailey!
One year ago today I was finally really enjoying this mom thing. I'd completely fallen head over heals in love with my little girl! Even though I couldn't believe she was about to be one, she was still my baby. I was excited about that milestone and not really sad a bit. We'd survived the first year...heck more than survived, we'd flown through with flying colors!
Today, my daughter turns two years old. And I'm completely excited...but this year I'm also a little sad. She truly is a little kid now. She's not my little baby anymore. We've finally packed away all the "baby" things to make room for all her "kid" stuff. We have a toddler now...a little kid. I'm so stinking proud of her, and so excited that she's growing up into this amazing little girl. But I can't help but feel like "Where'd my baby go??"
The last 2 years have been the best years of my life. If we could go back and have a choice whether or not to have that little "oops" happen, we would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Hailey is the best thing that's ever happened to me. She's the best little girl a mom could ever ask for. I thank God for putting her in my life!!
And it doesn't matter how old she is, she'll ALWAYS be my baby.
Happy 2nd Birthday Miss Hailey!
Friday, April 11, 2008
Never a dull moment...
As I've gotten older I've often thought they could make a reality show w/ my life. Seriously, it's like crazy crap just finds me. There really is never a dull moment in my life. Right now of course there's the maybe baby issue, which I still have not found out an answer to. Yesterday Hailey got an explosive case of diaper rash that left her begging for help to anyone who'd listen, the poor thing. My mom apparently clogged up my kitchen sink with spaghetti noodles...I spent a good half hour picking noodles, plastic pieces from Lord knows what and wookies out of my drain with my tweezers (ew--I ran them through the dishwasher, ok?). Which led to a huge cleaning frenzy during which I scrubbed my sink til it was sparkly and like new, threw away a bunch of old cleaning products and organized the cabinet under my kitchen sink, threw away old baby bottles (because they contain BPA) and misc. candy and odds and ends, emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, cleared everything out of our silverware drawer and completely cleaned and disinfected it (since D had spilled something in it and not told me--it was crusty and GROSS), did 3 loads of laundry and even cleared out Hailey's PJ drawer (and realized she's only got 3 pairs of Spring/Summer pjs that fit her). What a night.
My grandma called and wanted to know if she went to my dad's Saturday if I'd go over and let her see Hailey, which ticked me off. She can never come to my house for some reason. Hell she hasn't seen Hailey since my sister's wedding in December. I told her Hailey's little friend turns 2 that day and we already told her we'd go to her party at 1:00 that day. My grandma wanted us to go to my dad's around 10! Hailey isn't even up by then some weekends! She usually wakes up at like 9 or 10! I'm proud of myself for standing my ground and telling my grandma this, and telling her 11 is the earliest we can be over there. I'm pissed. If I don't bend to her needs and give in and go over there I'll be on her shit list forever, and God knows she's psycho and would spread all kinds of crap about me...just like the time she picked a fight with me before my wedding and not only did she not show up at my wedding, she'd called all her family and told them not to come either. Nice. So, unfortunately, to prevent more trouble for myself I have to get up extra early on Saturday not, get myself ready, wake Hailey up and get her ready and be at my dad's by 11. Then leave there smelling like smoke and ick and go to this party at 1:00 smelling like smoke when I don't even smoke!! I'll also have to wash Hailey's coat and whatever else we take into my dad's. That's why I don't go over there anymore. They don't smoke while we're there but the smell is still HORRIBLE. We always leave reeking.
But all of that dulls in comparison with the bomb my dad laid on me this morning. He called me at work, talking about the usual...how my stepmom is apparently crazy, how he's blamed for everything, how he's so stressed he just wants to end it all. And then he says "I'd tell you a huge secret if I thought I could trust you." ???? WTF. I told him of course he can trust me. He says "You can't tell ANYBODY, not even your sister." I told him fine, he can trust me. I promised.
Apparently I have another brother that none of us ever knew about. He's 16, lives in the same town I do. His mom knew my dad was married so when she found out she was pregnant she quit seeing him and never told him. She dated another man and got married. Then she found out recently my dad's getting divorced and told him what happened, how he's got a son and whatnot. The boy's been going to my dad's and visiting him. Apparently he's got pierced lips, dirty blonde hair, does his schooling over the internet, doesn't smoke, has a girlfriend that's turning 15 soon that's into bellydancing...oh and he likes to play the Wii. That's all I know about him. And I can't tell anybody. So, naturally, I'm telling all of you. Cause God who could keep a secret like that in? None of you know my family, so I didn't really lie to my dad.
It's really weird, he's been in this world, in this same town, since I was a little girl...I would've been in 3rd grade when he was born. My little brother was born when I was in 6th grade. I just can't imagine this boy has been here, in the same town, and I never knew about him. Honestly, I'm not really shocked. That's just the kind of stuff that happens in my life, unfortunately. But it's still just really weird. I want to meet him, at least see what he's like. My dad warned me that I do have to remember he's just a teenager. I just wonder what the rest of my family's going to think when they find out. I'm sure my sister will be pissed and refuse to talk to my dad anymore...my little brother, I don't know...he's into the terrible teens himself right now at 13 (how do they go from sweet little kids to saying "screw you!" in a matter of months??) so he may be pissed or he may be okay with it, who knows.
So...craziness...
Just another day in my life...
My grandma called and wanted to know if she went to my dad's Saturday if I'd go over and let her see Hailey, which ticked me off. She can never come to my house for some reason. Hell she hasn't seen Hailey since my sister's wedding in December. I told her Hailey's little friend turns 2 that day and we already told her we'd go to her party at 1:00 that day. My grandma wanted us to go to my dad's around 10! Hailey isn't even up by then some weekends! She usually wakes up at like 9 or 10! I'm proud of myself for standing my ground and telling my grandma this, and telling her 11 is the earliest we can be over there. I'm pissed. If I don't bend to her needs and give in and go over there I'll be on her shit list forever, and God knows she's psycho and would spread all kinds of crap about me...just like the time she picked a fight with me before my wedding and not only did she not show up at my wedding, she'd called all her family and told them not to come either. Nice. So, unfortunately, to prevent more trouble for myself I have to get up extra early on Saturday not, get myself ready, wake Hailey up and get her ready and be at my dad's by 11. Then leave there smelling like smoke and ick and go to this party at 1:00 smelling like smoke when I don't even smoke!! I'll also have to wash Hailey's coat and whatever else we take into my dad's. That's why I don't go over there anymore. They don't smoke while we're there but the smell is still HORRIBLE. We always leave reeking.
But all of that dulls in comparison with the bomb my dad laid on me this morning. He called me at work, talking about the usual...how my stepmom is apparently crazy, how he's blamed for everything, how he's so stressed he just wants to end it all. And then he says "I'd tell you a huge secret if I thought I could trust you." ???? WTF. I told him of course he can trust me. He says "You can't tell ANYBODY, not even your sister." I told him fine, he can trust me. I promised.
Apparently I have another brother that none of us ever knew about. He's 16, lives in the same town I do. His mom knew my dad was married so when she found out she was pregnant she quit seeing him and never told him. She dated another man and got married. Then she found out recently my dad's getting divorced and told him what happened, how he's got a son and whatnot. The boy's been going to my dad's and visiting him. Apparently he's got pierced lips, dirty blonde hair, does his schooling over the internet, doesn't smoke, has a girlfriend that's turning 15 soon that's into bellydancing...oh and he likes to play the Wii. That's all I know about him. And I can't tell anybody. So, naturally, I'm telling all of you. Cause God who could keep a secret like that in? None of you know my family, so I didn't really lie to my dad.
It's really weird, he's been in this world, in this same town, since I was a little girl...I would've been in 3rd grade when he was born. My little brother was born when I was in 6th grade. I just can't imagine this boy has been here, in the same town, and I never knew about him. Honestly, I'm not really shocked. That's just the kind of stuff that happens in my life, unfortunately. But it's still just really weird. I want to meet him, at least see what he's like. My dad warned me that I do have to remember he's just a teenager. I just wonder what the rest of my family's going to think when they find out. I'm sure my sister will be pissed and refuse to talk to my dad anymore...my little brother, I don't know...he's into the terrible teens himself right now at 13 (how do they go from sweet little kids to saying "screw you!" in a matter of months??) so he may be pissed or he may be okay with it, who knows.
So...craziness...
Just another day in my life...
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
So...yea...
Ok I'm having a morning, I just need to vent. I'm exhausted. Here I am worried I'm pregnant, my boobs have started leaking colostrum which started happening right when I got pregnant with Hailey and completely quit once my milk dried up after I quit breastfeeding...I'm worrying about money and what our parents and the people I work with are going to think if I am.
I'm also excited about Hailey's mini-celebration I'm having for her birthday Monday evening (D will be gone to another tournament so we're having her real party with all her guests after this semester is over) but I've also been really busy with that, ordering the little cake--she picked a Ratatouille cake with Remy and Emile on the top, so cute!--finding the darned dollhouse (found it on Ebay, brand new, it's on it's way here in a UPS truck right now, YAY!) letting family know about the mini party etc. (my mom, sister, and mother and father in law will be there!) Am I supposed to feed these people since they'll be there at dinner time?? I don't want to have to cook and waste all that time...any suggestions??
I just don't feel like I have anything together right now. I'm behind at work because my job is too much for one person to do and my boss who always liked to key some of my stuff is on maternity leave...so I'm swamped. And I hate feeling like I haven't gotten anything done, and I hate not even feeling like I have time to get up and get a glass of water or go pee.
Then last night I'm finally in bed, trying to go to sleep, and my husband starts harassing me for whatever sort of sexual activity I will give him. COME ON. Seriously. Just let me go to sleep. Oh and the great thing about this (note the sarcasm in the GREAT) is that we had just finished talking about how my boobs are leaking and looking at my preggo pictures from Hailey and noting how my belly at the end of the day right now looks just as big as when I was about 4 months pregnant with Hailey...no joke (I pointed that out in the 4 months picture, D didn't believe me so I stood up and showed him my belly and just the look on his face said it all...then he says "OH." Nice.) ...and then he harasses me for sex??? When I'm worried about being pregnant and showing him my bloated stomach and talking about my boobs leaking?? Are you kidding me? What is wrong with men?? I finally bitched at him to get out of the room enough to where he went all drama king on me and stormed out. I finally got to sleep. And had another one of those dreams...the one where I come home after work and realize I left Hailey at home all day by herself. But this time it was even more real, because I came home to our home where we live now and sat down at my dining room table and heard something and looked up and Hailey's standing there at the gate I put up across her bedroom door, in her pjs, hair a mess, crying. I felt horrible again. Why am I having these dreams? Does this have something to do with being scared I won't give her enough attention if I have another baby??
I must have shut my alarm off this morning because I woke up late. I found a bunch of dirty clothes and pillow cases on the floor at the end of the bed, in the spot my husband thinks is his hamper for some odd reason. I should have thought "oh how nice, he changed pillow cases"...instead I said out loud (oops, meant to just think it) "this is not a freaking hamper, JEEZ COME ON!" and I woke him up. Feel really bad about that. What a way to wake up in the morning, to your wife bitching at you. I feel bad about bitching to him last night so much too and rejecting him so harshly...I tried to explain to him that I was just exhausted and no way could I be nice at all, I was just too pissy and tired. But he takes it personally.
Ok well I just had a great conversation with a coworker about our kids farting (she's got 2 little girls, ages 4 and about 6 months) that had me laughing so hard my cheeks hurt. Lovely topic, but man did it help my mood brighten a bit!
I'll end this on a good note. Last night Hailey and I brought up YouTube and danced and sang like crazy to Hole. She loves Celebrity Skin. You should have heard her trying to sing it with me! And she was so cute, shaking her little boody and waving her arms. Eventually we got a little worn out and I brought up Sarah McLachlan's song Angel. I've always thought about my cousin(the one who killed himself my senior year in highschool and was like a brother to me) when I've heard this song before and it nearly always brings me to tears but helped me feel happy too knowing he was with God now. So last night I'm holding Hailey, she's got her head laying on my shoulder, I'm swaying to the music and singing to her...then she looks up, cups my chin in her hands like she does and sort of rubs my cheek and looks at me with the sweetest little look on her face. The moment was priceless. I'm not a crier but boy did she make tears come to my eyes. She's my little angel...she's the light in my life! That song will always have new meaning for me now! And I realized everything's going to be just fine.
I'm also excited about Hailey's mini-celebration I'm having for her birthday Monday evening (D will be gone to another tournament so we're having her real party with all her guests after this semester is over) but I've also been really busy with that, ordering the little cake--she picked a Ratatouille cake with Remy and Emile on the top, so cute!--finding the darned dollhouse (found it on Ebay, brand new, it's on it's way here in a UPS truck right now, YAY!) letting family know about the mini party etc. (my mom, sister, and mother and father in law will be there!) Am I supposed to feed these people since they'll be there at dinner time?? I don't want to have to cook and waste all that time...any suggestions??
I just don't feel like I have anything together right now. I'm behind at work because my job is too much for one person to do and my boss who always liked to key some of my stuff is on maternity leave...so I'm swamped. And I hate feeling like I haven't gotten anything done, and I hate not even feeling like I have time to get up and get a glass of water or go pee.
Then last night I'm finally in bed, trying to go to sleep, and my husband starts harassing me for whatever sort of sexual activity I will give him. COME ON. Seriously. Just let me go to sleep. Oh and the great thing about this (note the sarcasm in the GREAT) is that we had just finished talking about how my boobs are leaking and looking at my preggo pictures from Hailey and noting how my belly at the end of the day right now looks just as big as when I was about 4 months pregnant with Hailey...no joke (I pointed that out in the 4 months picture, D didn't believe me so I stood up and showed him my belly and just the look on his face said it all...then he says "OH." Nice.) ...and then he harasses me for sex??? When I'm worried about being pregnant and showing him my bloated stomach and talking about my boobs leaking?? Are you kidding me? What is wrong with men?? I finally bitched at him to get out of the room enough to where he went all drama king on me and stormed out. I finally got to sleep. And had another one of those dreams...the one where I come home after work and realize I left Hailey at home all day by herself. But this time it was even more real, because I came home to our home where we live now and sat down at my dining room table and heard something and looked up and Hailey's standing there at the gate I put up across her bedroom door, in her pjs, hair a mess, crying. I felt horrible again. Why am I having these dreams? Does this have something to do with being scared I won't give her enough attention if I have another baby??
I must have shut my alarm off this morning because I woke up late. I found a bunch of dirty clothes and pillow cases on the floor at the end of the bed, in the spot my husband thinks is his hamper for some odd reason. I should have thought "oh how nice, he changed pillow cases"...instead I said out loud (oops, meant to just think it) "this is not a freaking hamper, JEEZ COME ON!" and I woke him up. Feel really bad about that. What a way to wake up in the morning, to your wife bitching at you. I feel bad about bitching to him last night so much too and rejecting him so harshly...I tried to explain to him that I was just exhausted and no way could I be nice at all, I was just too pissy and tired. But he takes it personally.
Ok well I just had a great conversation with a coworker about our kids farting (she's got 2 little girls, ages 4 and about 6 months) that had me laughing so hard my cheeks hurt. Lovely topic, but man did it help my mood brighten a bit!
I'll end this on a good note. Last night Hailey and I brought up YouTube and danced and sang like crazy to Hole. She loves Celebrity Skin. You should have heard her trying to sing it with me! And she was so cute, shaking her little boody and waving her arms. Eventually we got a little worn out and I brought up Sarah McLachlan's song Angel. I've always thought about my cousin(the one who killed himself my senior year in highschool and was like a brother to me) when I've heard this song before and it nearly always brings me to tears but helped me feel happy too knowing he was with God now. So last night I'm holding Hailey, she's got her head laying on my shoulder, I'm swaying to the music and singing to her...then she looks up, cups my chin in her hands like she does and sort of rubs my cheek and looks at me with the sweetest little look on her face. The moment was priceless. I'm not a crier but boy did she make tears come to my eyes. She's my little angel...she's the light in my life! That song will always have new meaning for me now! And I realized everything's going to be just fine.
"You came into my life like a promised sunrise...brightening my days with the light in your eyes. I've never been so strong. Now I'm where I belong."
Monday, April 7, 2008
My $3 bargain
It's a darker blue than it looks in the pictures and it doesn't look all crinkly either...it's a wrinkly satiny dark blue. The flash makes it look funky I think...
I think I'm paranoid...
Ok so I can't avoid the topic any longer. It's starting to bug me and I've got to just get it out.
I'm probably worrying for nothing. But worrying seems to be one of the things I do best and the more days that go by the more worried I get about this topic.
Alright so don't think I'm nutty...
I'm afraid I'm pregnant. I feel crazy just typing that out. I started my pill pack exactly 1 day late. No biggie. Well then we did things a few times right at what would normally be my most fertile days if I wasn't on the pill (stretched over a period of a week)...and of course one of those nights towards the beginning of the week I went right to sleep and didn't realize I forgot to take my pills until the next night when I noticed the previous night's pill still secure in it's little bubble pack. I was sort of worried, but not really. It's only 2 pills, right?
Yesterday I was standing at the stove boiling some tea bags to make a pitcher of tea. My mom was warming up some pizza in the oven. I got a sharp needle-stabbing pain in my nether region (for some reason I don't like the word uterus...) that made me grab my lower abdomen and exclaim "Ow!" My mom asked "What was that all about?" I told her I just got a pain. So, no biggie, right? Except for the fact that I've only ever had that exact pain one other time in my life. Right at the time Miss Hailey was burrowing down in my uterine lining, making herself right at home. I told Dan about the pain last night when he called. He said something to the effect of "Wonderful." When it happened with Hailey, I was sitting on the couch with Dan and my little brother. We were playing Mario Party--my little brother was spending the night. I got the sharp, stabbing pain, grabbed my lower stomach, exclaimed "OW!" and had to stop for a second. I remembering saying "Well that was weird." And then a couple weeks later I got a positive test. My only comfort is that this time the pain wasn't as sharp. That and the fact that even though I did miss two pills, I am still on the pill.
I know the pains weren't ovulation pains because 1. I never have ovulation pains...this has only ever happened one other time in my life, when I got pregnant with Hailey. And 2. I had a completely textbook pregnancy with Hailey. I know when I got pregnant and I had her a day before my due date...when I got the pain was right at the time when all the books said the fertilized egg would be implanting.
And of course now I'm being a typical scaredy-cat, imagining that my lower belly is pooching out even more than usual (I bloated really fast with Hailey). I'm going back and forth with feeling okay with it (because HELLO I'm totally feeling the baby itch!) and then totally freaking out because it wouldn't be planned AGAIN and I know everybody would be so disappointed again and we don't have the money right now etc. etc.
Weird thing is, I'm sort of really feeling like I am pregnant. And that if I do start my period it was an early miscarriage. I feel totally crazy even typing that. But I just feel like I know. Maybe it's just my paranoia or my brain trying to prepare me so I won't be so shocked in the case that I am?? One thing's for sure...I will definitely take my pill each and every day from now on if I'm not! I will have learned my lesson!
I'm probably worrying for nothing. But worrying seems to be one of the things I do best and the more days that go by the more worried I get about this topic.
Alright so don't think I'm nutty...
I'm afraid I'm pregnant. I feel crazy just typing that out. I started my pill pack exactly 1 day late. No biggie. Well then we did things a few times right at what would normally be my most fertile days if I wasn't on the pill (stretched over a period of a week)...and of course one of those nights towards the beginning of the week I went right to sleep and didn't realize I forgot to take my pills until the next night when I noticed the previous night's pill still secure in it's little bubble pack. I was sort of worried, but not really. It's only 2 pills, right?
Yesterday I was standing at the stove boiling some tea bags to make a pitcher of tea. My mom was warming up some pizza in the oven. I got a sharp needle-stabbing pain in my nether region (for some reason I don't like the word uterus...) that made me grab my lower abdomen and exclaim "Ow!" My mom asked "What was that all about?" I told her I just got a pain. So, no biggie, right? Except for the fact that I've only ever had that exact pain one other time in my life. Right at the time Miss Hailey was burrowing down in my uterine lining, making herself right at home. I told Dan about the pain last night when he called. He said something to the effect of "Wonderful." When it happened with Hailey, I was sitting on the couch with Dan and my little brother. We were playing Mario Party--my little brother was spending the night. I got the sharp, stabbing pain, grabbed my lower stomach, exclaimed "OW!" and had to stop for a second. I remembering saying "Well that was weird." And then a couple weeks later I got a positive test. My only comfort is that this time the pain wasn't as sharp. That and the fact that even though I did miss two pills, I am still on the pill.
I know the pains weren't ovulation pains because 1. I never have ovulation pains...this has only ever happened one other time in my life, when I got pregnant with Hailey. And 2. I had a completely textbook pregnancy with Hailey. I know when I got pregnant and I had her a day before my due date...when I got the pain was right at the time when all the books said the fertilized egg would be implanting.
And of course now I'm being a typical scaredy-cat, imagining that my lower belly is pooching out even more than usual (I bloated really fast with Hailey). I'm going back and forth with feeling okay with it (because HELLO I'm totally feeling the baby itch!) and then totally freaking out because it wouldn't be planned AGAIN and I know everybody would be so disappointed again and we don't have the money right now etc. etc.
Weird thing is, I'm sort of really feeling like I am pregnant. And that if I do start my period it was an early miscarriage. I feel totally crazy even typing that. But I just feel like I know. Maybe it's just my paranoia or my brain trying to prepare me so I won't be so shocked in the case that I am?? One thing's for sure...I will definitely take my pill each and every day from now on if I'm not! I will have learned my lesson!
This is what my belly looks like right now. (Ok each picture sort of makes my stomach look different??) So it's either that or WOW am I bloated like crazy!
Weekend Recap
Ok so I thought I'd shift moods a bit and tell a little about the rest of my weekend.
It was tiring, but it was OH.SO.PRODUCTIVE! D didn't end up having to leave til yesterday morning and he was so great about helping me Saturday before he went to practice. We FINALLY got the crib taken down! I had to empty it of all the stuffed animals and clothes we'd been storing in it, peel off the dust-coated bedding (which I washed before I stored) and Hailey helped take her old crib apart. I thought that was a rather momentous occasion. I also went through her huge stack of blankets and packed away all the baby blankets. All that's left is her changing pads, sheets for her daybed and her big girl blankets! Since we took the crib down (which my father in law so nicely took to my mother's to store until we move) I could FINALLY get to Hailey's closet! I took down all the clothes hanging up from last season that are way too tiny for her now and washed them all before I put them in storage. I also finally got all her summer clothes together and washed all of that as well. It is so nice to finally be able to hang up clothes in her closet and actually get to them!! All her little dresses and skirts will stay nice and fluffy now that they aren't squashed in a dresser drawer. I dusted the window sills. I bought a new 3-drawer storage container for all my scrapbook supplies and got that organized. As soon as my friend completes the craft room in the basement of her house we're going to do some serious scrap booking sessions! I cleaned off the piles of bills from the kitchen table so we can use all 4 chairs now instead of just 3. I re-organized Hailey's closet and even got her old high chair to fit in there so it's not taking up space in the dining room anymore (and so I won't stub my dang toe on it any longer!!!). I also found a new shower curtain at Walmart for the bargain price of $3 on clearance!!! It was originally $16! It's a sheer shiny fabric one with gold thread embroidery. I LOVE it! I got that washed/dried and hung up. I bought new air fresheners for the bathrooms and laundry room. I cleaned off the bathroom counter and cleaned the toilet and washed the bathroom rugs. I completely dusted the entertainment unit in the living room (ok even the undersides of the shelves were coated in a thick layer of dust!!!) and Windexed the TV (Hailey loves to "clean" the TV with her antibacterial wipes and the dust sticks to the film like crazy, it was a mess!). I even cleaned the windows in the living room! Sunday I vacuumed and shampooed the whole house! It feels so incredibly good to have a more organized, clean house. It's still a long way from being done, but I got enough done this weekend to really feel like I accomplished something!
I even bought myself 2 new pairs of shoes at Payless yesterday afternoon. These my sister has had for months. I wasn't sure if I liked them when she first got them, but they've grown on me and are SO comfortable. I needed a pair of little slip on tennis shoes like these, and they'll go with everything...
These I really liked when I saw them. It kind of sucked because the 6.5 was too big and the 6 is a little small...I went ahead and got the 6. I'm sure they're stretch out the more I wear them.
Hailey's birthday is coming up in a week. Since D will be out of town we won't be having her party until he's done with school for the semester. I do want to have a little mini party that evening for her though. I took the day off work to spend with her. I'm going to get her a little cake and some balloons. I've been searching for the perfect present for her for a long time now and FINALLY found something I know she would absolutely love. And of course they don't have it in any of the stores around here and to have it shipped here in time would cost a fortune! I'm also irritated because when I first looked at it online it was eligible for free shipping to the store...and then 30 minutes later when I went back online to order it, it wasn't eligible for the free shipping to the store anymore. The only option is to have it shipped to your house!! What the heck is up with that??? Normal shipping is $10.97 and it still may not get here in time for her birthday. It's already $57, I can't pay half that to have it shipped here in time. So I'm not sure what to do! I don't really want to wait until June to give it to her at her big party...??? I don't know what to do!
It was tiring, but it was OH.SO.PRODUCTIVE! D didn't end up having to leave til yesterday morning and he was so great about helping me Saturday before he went to practice. We FINALLY got the crib taken down! I had to empty it of all the stuffed animals and clothes we'd been storing in it, peel off the dust-coated bedding (which I washed before I stored) and Hailey helped take her old crib apart. I thought that was a rather momentous occasion. I also went through her huge stack of blankets and packed away all the baby blankets. All that's left is her changing pads, sheets for her daybed and her big girl blankets! Since we took the crib down (which my father in law so nicely took to my mother's to store until we move) I could FINALLY get to Hailey's closet! I took down all the clothes hanging up from last season that are way too tiny for her now and washed them all before I put them in storage. I also finally got all her summer clothes together and washed all of that as well. It is so nice to finally be able to hang up clothes in her closet and actually get to them!! All her little dresses and skirts will stay nice and fluffy now that they aren't squashed in a dresser drawer. I dusted the window sills. I bought a new 3-drawer storage container for all my scrapbook supplies and got that organized. As soon as my friend completes the craft room in the basement of her house we're going to do some serious scrap booking sessions! I cleaned off the piles of bills from the kitchen table so we can use all 4 chairs now instead of just 3. I re-organized Hailey's closet and even got her old high chair to fit in there so it's not taking up space in the dining room anymore (and so I won't stub my dang toe on it any longer!!!). I also found a new shower curtain at Walmart for the bargain price of $3 on clearance!!! It was originally $16! It's a sheer shiny fabric one with gold thread embroidery. I LOVE it! I got that washed/dried and hung up. I bought new air fresheners for the bathrooms and laundry room. I cleaned off the bathroom counter and cleaned the toilet and washed the bathroom rugs. I completely dusted the entertainment unit in the living room (ok even the undersides of the shelves were coated in a thick layer of dust!!!) and Windexed the TV (Hailey loves to "clean" the TV with her antibacterial wipes and the dust sticks to the film like crazy, it was a mess!). I even cleaned the windows in the living room! Sunday I vacuumed and shampooed the whole house! It feels so incredibly good to have a more organized, clean house. It's still a long way from being done, but I got enough done this weekend to really feel like I accomplished something!
I even bought myself 2 new pairs of shoes at Payless yesterday afternoon. These my sister has had for months. I wasn't sure if I liked them when she first got them, but they've grown on me and are SO comfortable. I needed a pair of little slip on tennis shoes like these, and they'll go with everything...
These I really liked when I saw them. It kind of sucked because the 6.5 was too big and the 6 is a little small...I went ahead and got the 6. I'm sure they're stretch out the more I wear them.
Hailey's birthday is coming up in a week. Since D will be out of town we won't be having her party until he's done with school for the semester. I do want to have a little mini party that evening for her though. I took the day off work to spend with her. I'm going to get her a little cake and some balloons. I've been searching for the perfect present for her for a long time now and FINALLY found something I know she would absolutely love. And of course they don't have it in any of the stores around here and to have it shipped here in time would cost a fortune! I'm also irritated because when I first looked at it online it was eligible for free shipping to the store...and then 30 minutes later when I went back online to order it, it wasn't eligible for the free shipping to the store anymore. The only option is to have it shipped to your house!! What the heck is up with that??? Normal shipping is $10.97 and it still may not get here in time for her birthday. It's already $57, I can't pay half that to have it shipped here in time. So I'm not sure what to do! I don't really want to wait until June to give it to her at her big party...??? I don't know what to do!
Guilt
It's really hard to put my thoughts into words right now, I'm going on a couple hours of sleep...so bear with me.
My mom, Hailey and I ran by Walmart yesterday evening. I was exhausted from a weekend of non-stop cleaning and sort of felt like I was walking around in a fog. Hailey used to do great at the store. I could usually give her something to eat and she'd sit there nicely, quietly eating. Now that she's a big girl (WAY too big for her britches in fact) she insists on walking most of the time. Which wouldn't be a problem except she likes to dart right in front of people...people who then give me dirty looks like "Can't you control your kid??" Or she'll run down the isle before I can stop her. She's fearless when it comes to some things. I'm not like that, I never have been. On one hand this is a good thing...maybe she won't be as painfully shy as I was growing up. But on the other hand, how many times is she going to hurt herself before she listens to me? What's it going to take for her to get my point? Falling down the stairs and breaking the fall with her face at my brother and sister in law's house sure didn't do the trick. Nor did flipping out of the front of the cart and splatting on the hard concrete floor at Walmart last night.
SIGH
The problem is, something horrible happens and she cries for MAYBE 5 minutes tops. Then she's fine and wants to go play. Not a mark on her. No blood, no bruises, no scrapes. Don't get me wrong, she's got bruises all over her legs. One on her butt. One on her back. I'm ultra paranoid somebody's going to see her and think we abuse her! But it's not from major stuff like this. She's just clumsy like me and falls a lot, or runs into stuff etc. Last night I ran into my mom's car...she always jokes about how clumsy I am...as in "Didn't see the car there didja?" I thank God that Hailey's never really been hurt badly when something horrible like this happens. I don't know HOW she's not at LEAST bruised...but I thank God. It could have turned out much, much worse each time these things happened.
Besides having no idea how to teach her that she can't run off in a store (because talking firmly and putting her in time outs just doesn't work) or walk down stairs herself or climb out of a cart on her own...there's also the issue of this huge guilt I feel. Other people's kids aren't getting hurt like this. I've never in my life seen a kid fall out of a shopping cart. Yea, those warnings on the little flip down plastic thing in the kid's seat?? There are a REASON for those. I grew up riding in the basket of the cart, I thought people that insisted their kids only rode strapped in to the child seat were overly anal. That's one thing I've learned since having a kid...your views on parenting before you have kids are constantly changed after you actually have one. So back to my point...I feel so incredibly responsible and horribly guilty for these falls she's had. I've turned my back for one second and BOOM it's happened. But these things don't seem to be happening to other kids...why on earth can't I keep them from happening to mine? Am I a bad mother? I can't keep an eye on her 100% of the time. I should be able to turn away for a second to grab a package of strawberries without having to worry she's going to dive headfirst out of the cart. She's 2 years old for God sakes!!!! And why does she run away? Why is she not scared of all these people walking around her? Why is it hilarious to make Mommy leave her purse and cart and have to chase after her, when the end result is me holding her very firmly (sometimes upside down or by her legs or whatever other part of her I can grab) and telling her in a very mean voice what she did and why it is wrong. My kid doesn't throw tantrums hardly EVER. If she does they're very short lived, no longer than 30 seconds. She doesn't get into things at home that she shouldn't. I never had to baby proof except to put those little plugs in the outlets. She doesn't climb on the furniture. She doesn't jump of the couch or off her bed. But then she'll try to climb out of a shopping cart herself or go down stairs without railings. Repeatedly. You'd think she'd be afraid of stairs after that incident, right? Nah. Sure she lets me hold her hand more now without arguing. But she's still more than happy to try them herself.
She's just like her father. If he says he wants to try something fairly dangerous, like doing a back flip off the side of the swimming pool when he hasn't in YEARS and is quite a few pounds heavier than he was as a youngun...you can't tell him not to, you can't tell him he's going to hurt himself, because he'll do it anyway. Afterwards, when you're fishing him out of the water with a huge goose egg on his head, you say "I told you so" and he learns his lesson and you move on. Is this the way I'm going to have to raise Hailey? Do everything I possibly can to keep her from getting hurt while living in fear that the second I turn my back she's going to do something really daring and hurt herself? So I can give her the lecture "Hailey, Mommy told you you cannot climb out of the cart by yourself...that's what happens, you fall and hurt yourself. You have to ask for help if you want to do that, you say 'Mommy please get me out of the cart.'"??
I'm so confused right now. I can tell I'm not even making any sense. My job as Hailey's parent is to keep her safe, teach her lessons and rules, instill good values in her and hopefully give her a happy life. I feel like I'm failing, hugely.
She's a good kid. She's amazingly caring and gentle and sweet. But she got my stubbornness, my bossiness, my clumsiness...D's focus (this is good and bad) and daring and apparently sometimes bad judgement. (Or is that last one just a toddler trait???) And she's not ALWAYS like that when we go out...she's just unusually squirrelly sometimes.
I'm sick of people looking at me like I'm a bad mother. YAY for them that their kid sits in the cart or their stroller like an angel and doesn't move or talk. My kid is more strong-willed (and wants to participate in every activity...she's not just there to look cute). I'm not sure how to change that. What am I doing wrong? And how can I shake this feeling like these things should NOT be happening to her, and that I'm a horrible mother for turning my back for a second?
I'm to the point where I don't want to take her anywhere anymore because I'm afraid she'll get hurt. She doesn't get hurt at home. Nobody's judging us at home or getting irritated at my kid (ok most people think she's adorable, but she does get looks sometimes that make me want to walk up and smack the person). I've always felt very strongly about not altering your life hugely just for your kids...about taking them with you to do things so they learn how to behave going out to eat or in a store etc. But I don't want her to get hurt in the process.
My mom, Hailey and I ran by Walmart yesterday evening. I was exhausted from a weekend of non-stop cleaning and sort of felt like I was walking around in a fog. Hailey used to do great at the store. I could usually give her something to eat and she'd sit there nicely, quietly eating. Now that she's a big girl (WAY too big for her britches in fact) she insists on walking most of the time. Which wouldn't be a problem except she likes to dart right in front of people...people who then give me dirty looks like "Can't you control your kid??" Or she'll run down the isle before I can stop her. She's fearless when it comes to some things. I'm not like that, I never have been. On one hand this is a good thing...maybe she won't be as painfully shy as I was growing up. But on the other hand, how many times is she going to hurt herself before she listens to me? What's it going to take for her to get my point? Falling down the stairs and breaking the fall with her face at my brother and sister in law's house sure didn't do the trick. Nor did flipping out of the front of the cart and splatting on the hard concrete floor at Walmart last night.
SIGH
The problem is, something horrible happens and she cries for MAYBE 5 minutes tops. Then she's fine and wants to go play. Not a mark on her. No blood, no bruises, no scrapes. Don't get me wrong, she's got bruises all over her legs. One on her butt. One on her back. I'm ultra paranoid somebody's going to see her and think we abuse her! But it's not from major stuff like this. She's just clumsy like me and falls a lot, or runs into stuff etc. Last night I ran into my mom's car...she always jokes about how clumsy I am...as in "Didn't see the car there didja?" I thank God that Hailey's never really been hurt badly when something horrible like this happens. I don't know HOW she's not at LEAST bruised...but I thank God. It could have turned out much, much worse each time these things happened.
Besides having no idea how to teach her that she can't run off in a store (because talking firmly and putting her in time outs just doesn't work) or walk down stairs herself or climb out of a cart on her own...there's also the issue of this huge guilt I feel. Other people's kids aren't getting hurt like this. I've never in my life seen a kid fall out of a shopping cart. Yea, those warnings on the little flip down plastic thing in the kid's seat?? There are a REASON for those. I grew up riding in the basket of the cart, I thought people that insisted their kids only rode strapped in to the child seat were overly anal. That's one thing I've learned since having a kid...your views on parenting before you have kids are constantly changed after you actually have one. So back to my point...I feel so incredibly responsible and horribly guilty for these falls she's had. I've turned my back for one second and BOOM it's happened. But these things don't seem to be happening to other kids...why on earth can't I keep them from happening to mine? Am I a bad mother? I can't keep an eye on her 100% of the time. I should be able to turn away for a second to grab a package of strawberries without having to worry she's going to dive headfirst out of the cart. She's 2 years old for God sakes!!!! And why does she run away? Why is she not scared of all these people walking around her? Why is it hilarious to make Mommy leave her purse and cart and have to chase after her, when the end result is me holding her very firmly (sometimes upside down or by her legs or whatever other part of her I can grab) and telling her in a very mean voice what she did and why it is wrong. My kid doesn't throw tantrums hardly EVER. If she does they're very short lived, no longer than 30 seconds. She doesn't get into things at home that she shouldn't. I never had to baby proof except to put those little plugs in the outlets. She doesn't climb on the furniture. She doesn't jump of the couch or off her bed. But then she'll try to climb out of a shopping cart herself or go down stairs without railings. Repeatedly. You'd think she'd be afraid of stairs after that incident, right? Nah. Sure she lets me hold her hand more now without arguing. But she's still more than happy to try them herself.
She's just like her father. If he says he wants to try something fairly dangerous, like doing a back flip off the side of the swimming pool when he hasn't in YEARS and is quite a few pounds heavier than he was as a youngun...you can't tell him not to, you can't tell him he's going to hurt himself, because he'll do it anyway. Afterwards, when you're fishing him out of the water with a huge goose egg on his head, you say "I told you so" and he learns his lesson and you move on. Is this the way I'm going to have to raise Hailey? Do everything I possibly can to keep her from getting hurt while living in fear that the second I turn my back she's going to do something really daring and hurt herself? So I can give her the lecture "Hailey, Mommy told you you cannot climb out of the cart by yourself...that's what happens, you fall and hurt yourself. You have to ask for help if you want to do that, you say 'Mommy please get me out of the cart.'"??
I'm so confused right now. I can tell I'm not even making any sense. My job as Hailey's parent is to keep her safe, teach her lessons and rules, instill good values in her and hopefully give her a happy life. I feel like I'm failing, hugely.
She's a good kid. She's amazingly caring and gentle and sweet. But she got my stubbornness, my bossiness, my clumsiness...D's focus (this is good and bad) and daring and apparently sometimes bad judgement. (Or is that last one just a toddler trait???) And she's not ALWAYS like that when we go out...she's just unusually squirrelly sometimes.
I'm sick of people looking at me like I'm a bad mother. YAY for them that their kid sits in the cart or their stroller like an angel and doesn't move or talk. My kid is more strong-willed (and wants to participate in every activity...she's not just there to look cute). I'm not sure how to change that. What am I doing wrong? And how can I shake this feeling like these things should NOT be happening to her, and that I'm a horrible mother for turning my back for a second?
I'm to the point where I don't want to take her anywhere anymore because I'm afraid she'll get hurt. She doesn't get hurt at home. Nobody's judging us at home or getting irritated at my kid (ok most people think she's adorable, but she does get looks sometimes that make me want to walk up and smack the person). I've always felt very strongly about not altering your life hugely just for your kids...about taking them with you to do things so they learn how to behave going out to eat or in a store etc. But I don't want her to get hurt in the process.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
So I finally got some folding done...
Joanna inspired me to finally get my huge mound of laundry that had completely taken over my couch folded tonight. I finally got it under control. Folded up and put in the basket and on stacks on the couch it doesn't look like much, but trust me...it's a lot.
My hands were so full of sock bundles that I couldn't carry anything else. My laundry baskets are all full of clean folded clothes. So this is how I transported my underwear to our bedroom...I just wheeled it on in...whatever works, right? (Hailey's doll stroller...)
I didn't get to this chair. The stuff is mostly folded anyway, it just needs organizing...
After reading a post by Erin today I got to thinking about how unclean my house feels to me. I realized something on the way to pick up Hailey after work. I'd been wanting to go home so badly all day, but now that the time had come to actually go home I found myself trying to think of something else to do. I do this a lot. I always say I want to spend a whole weekend at home, and then all weekend it seems like I'm gone. I don't stretch to find ways, I mean I always have something I could be doing...I just feel the need to get out of the house when the time comes. I realized I always want to be home, I just don't want to be here. The main problem is the huge amount of clutter and crap we have sitting around. I can't clean well with the clutter. We don't have storage to get rid of the clutter. I don't have the time or energy to organize much either. I have GOT to do something about this. I need to feel relaxed in my own home. Of course all the noise from my neighbors doesn't help anything either...that I can't fix. My mom has agreed to help me organize and clean this weekend (since I'll be a single parent again.) Hopefully I'll be able to get a lot done and finally start to relax a little in my own home.
My hands were so full of sock bundles that I couldn't carry anything else. My laundry baskets are all full of clean folded clothes. So this is how I transported my underwear to our bedroom...I just wheeled it on in...whatever works, right? (Hailey's doll stroller...)I didn't get to this chair. The stuff is mostly folded anyway, it just needs organizing...
After reading a post by Erin today I got to thinking about how unclean my house feels to me. I realized something on the way to pick up Hailey after work. I'd been wanting to go home so badly all day, but now that the time had come to actually go home I found myself trying to think of something else to do. I do this a lot. I always say I want to spend a whole weekend at home, and then all weekend it seems like I'm gone. I don't stretch to find ways, I mean I always have something I could be doing...I just feel the need to get out of the house when the time comes. I realized I always want to be home, I just don't want to be here. The main problem is the huge amount of clutter and crap we have sitting around. I can't clean well with the clutter. We don't have storage to get rid of the clutter. I don't have the time or energy to organize much either. I have GOT to do something about this. I need to feel relaxed in my own home. Of course all the noise from my neighbors doesn't help anything either...that I can't fix. My mom has agreed to help me organize and clean this weekend (since I'll be a single parent again.) Hopefully I'll be able to get a lot done and finally start to relax a little in my own home.
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