Friday, August 1, 2008
I need answers
I'm going back to the dr. Monday. I finally bit the bullet and made an appointment. My health issues have been getting worse, my pain has come back full swing and I'm having new problems as well. It's been bringing me down lately even though I've been trying to pretend nothing's wrong. It really hit me Saturday morning when I woke up to my arms hurting/aching/throbbing so bad. It continued through the weekend and my lower half started throbbing and aching as well. Every day this week I've gone to bed at the end of the day with my hips and legs just throbbing. I end up having to take Advil to get it under control enough so I can get some sleep. The problem with that is, now I'm having sharp stomach pains every day from the Advil. Last night I didn't take any Advil and it took me forever to finally fall asleep. By yesterday afternoon I'd just had enough. I can't act like nothing's wrong anymore, and I can't hide the rest of my symptoms from my doctor. Or anybody. It's not doing me any good, and I think actually it's hurting me because not only am I not able to find out what's wrong with me when I hold back information, but it also makes people look at me in the wrong light. I'm seen as a complainer, and people think I'm lying or just using my health issues as an excuse to not do things or get out of going places. Which is so far from the truth. I want to have a normal life. I don't want to have issues anymore!! I would love to wake up feeling refreshed and be able to perform my duties all day, whether it be at home on the weekends or at work during the week and then at home at night...and have energy for fun stuff too. I'm tired of feeling like my body just has no energy whatsoever, like it's just so tired and heavy and weak. I'm tired of not being able to think clearly...I'm tired of feeling like my mind is in a fog. I'm tired of not being able to find the right words sometimes when I'm trying to tell somebody something. I'm tired of it being SO hard for me to learn new things. I'm tired of my joints and muscles hurting and aching and throbbing. I'm tired of my hand shaking at random times for no good reason at all. I'm tired of my OCD and being so stressed out because of my obsession with germs and things being clean...my husband is the total opposite, so my house is always cluttered and dirty even after I've JUST cleaned it! I need this not to bother me anymore because I NEVER feel relaxed or comfortable being at home because of it! I'm tired of constantly thinking people don't like me, or that people are talking about me or thinking bad things about me. I'm tired of being so paranoid that I'm going to die an early death and never get to have anymore babies or have a good life. I have issues, and I need to get them resolved. I need a name for what I have, I need a reason that I'm feeling this way. I need to be able to tell people "THIS is what I have" and know that I'm not crazy. I also need for my mom to support me and quit telling me I shouldn't have anymore kids because I can't take care of them...even though I take care of my kid almost 100% by myself when she's not at daycare! I need people to be supportive of me instead of telling me what I "shouldn't" do because I "can't." I need people to tell me I CAN do things and I need to know that I have people backing me and being there for me when I need a little extra support. I'm so tired of going through a really good phase and then waking up one day hurting and having it all go downhill from there until I hit another good patch again. It doesn't make any sense. That doesn't just happen. I'm not depressed, that's not what's causing this. But I have noticed that when I start hurting, when my symptoms start getting worse, that's when I don't handle things as well and I feel like I'm in danger of becomming depressed. I'm just tired of not knowing, I'm tired of nobody understanding, I'm tired of nobody being supportive, and I'm just tired of being so tired.