Ready

I think I'm finally ready to write this post. Maybe. We'll see how far I get. I'm not really sure where to start.

Things have been going pretty darn good lately considering the circumstances. Money is okay, my husband and I are mostly ok. My mood is okay. Hailey's okay.

I went to see the rheumatologist on the 20th. I was very nervous to go, since she's a specialist and I haven't had good experiences with specialists in the past. And there were nothing but old people all around, so that was odd...I felt like I shouldn't be there. But the staff at the office and the dr. herself were SO incredibly nice. They put me right at ease. I've finally got a diagnosis. Basically I have a couple problems. For one, I have a crooked spine. It's sort of an S shape, curving from side to side. That explains some of my upper back pain. Second of all, the big one. She agreed with my dr. that I do in fact have FMS or Fibromyalgia Syndrome. I don't know why I haven't wanted to write about this. I have very mixed feelings about everything. I'm relieved to know what's wrong with me. We have thought for years that I have this because my aunt has it...but I don't have the pain points you're supposed to have. When I asked the rheumatologist about this she explained that more and more drs these days are realizing you don't HAVE to have these pain points to have FMS. You can have none of them and still have it. So I'm releived to know I don't have something more serious like MS, and I'm relieved to finally have a name for what's wrong with me...I'm not just crazy.

But I'm also...I don't know, weirded out by all this. They don't know what causes FMS. Just a few years ago some people didn't even believe it was a real disease or syndrome or what have you. That it was all in a person's head. But it's not. It's real. And it totally sucks. And there's nothing they can do for it. And I'll have it for the rest of my life. And it will probably just get worse. SO...that sucks.

Luckily my Lexapro that I've been on for a few weeks now is really helping my mood. I'm much happier than I have been in a long time. Even when things aren't going right or I feel like crap, I can still crack a joke. I feel more like my old silly, joking self. My mom and I are being goofy again. I love making her laugh and I haven't been able to do that for so long. I think my husband has really noticed the difference in my mood. For the most part he's been great, acting like he likes me again LOL and being more understanding when I'm not having a good day. I also don't feel so overwhelmed with everything anymore. I feel like I can handle all the challenges life throws my way without getting so worked up. My anxiety is MUCH better. My OCD is still a work in progress. Since starting Lexapro I don't get so upset about dirt and messes as I did before. I love my cat again. If I don't get a chore done one night, I just do it the next. I still want a clean house, I still have that feeling of needing things organized, and I still have my odd quirks that go along with OCD...but at least it's not ruling my life anymore to the point of driving my husband insane.

I'm still having the sleep study done at the recommendation of the rheumatologist. Since that appointment I've noticed just how horrible I sleep. I wake up at least 5 times a night and I toss and turn the rest of the night. I've been trying to get to bed a lot earlier and it seems to be helping a little.

Now I just have to figure out how to deal with this and live with it. It's a work in progress but I think I'm doing ok so far. Considering it's not the greatest diagnosis, I've got a pretty positive outlook on life now. Some days are better than others of course, but all in all I think everything's going to be okay. I've just got to figure out how to deal with this and keep on living.

That's really all I feel like writing right now. I just wanted to get it out there that I am doing better, everything's ok, I'm having fun living life and enjoying my family again.

Some info on FMS...

SYMPTOMS:
The main fibromyalgia symptoms include deep muscle pain, painful trigger points or tender points, and morning stiffness. Other major symptoms of fibromyalgia include sleep disorders, fatigue, and anxiety. In order to make an accurate diagnosis, your doctor will need to review your symptoms and signs of fibromyalgia.

What are the common symptoms of fibromyalgia?

Common symptoms of fibromyalgia, also known as fibromyalgia syndrome or FMS, may include:

• Anxiety
• Concentration and memory problems -- known as fibro fog
• Depression
• Digestive disorders
• Discoloration of hands and feet (Raynaud's phenomenon)
• Dryness in mouth, nose, and eyes
• Fatigue
• Headaches
• Irritable bowel syndrome
• Morning stiffness
• Pain
• Painful menstrual cramps
• Restless legs syndrome
• Sleep problems
• Swelling, numbness, and tingling in hands, arms, feet, and legs
• Trigger points
• Urinary symptoms

Is pain the most common symptom of fibromyalgia?

Yes. Widespread pain is characteristic of more than 97%of patients with fibromyalgia. In fact, pain is usually what forces a person with fibromyalgia to see his or her doctor.

Unlike the joint pain of osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia pain is felt over the entire body. It is a deep, sharp, dull, throbbing, or aching pain that's felt in the muscles, tendons, and ligaments around the joints. The Arthritis Foundation describes the muscle and tissue pain as tender, aching, throbbing, sore, burning, and gnawing.

For some people with fibromyalgia, the pain comes and goes. The pain also seems to travel throughout the body.

Is fatigue a fibromyalgia symptom?

Next to pain and the tender trigger points, fatigue is a major complaint. Fatigue in fibromyalgia refers to a lingering tiredness that is more constant and limiting than what we would usually expect. Some patients complain of being tired even when they should feel rested, such as when they've had enough sleep. Some patients report the fatigue of fibromyalgia as being similar to symptoms of flu. Some compare it to how it feels after working long hours and missing a lot of sleep.

With fibromyalgia, you may feel:

• Fatigue on arising in the morning
• Fatigue after mild activity such as grocery shopping or cooking dinner
• Too fatigued to start a project such as folding clothes or ironing
• Too fatigued to exercise
• More fatigued after exercise
• Too fatigued for sex
• Too fatigued to function adequately at work

Are sleep disturbances a common symptom of fibromyalgia?

Sleep disturbances are common in the majority of people with fibromyalgia. While people with fibromyalgia may not have difficulty falling asleep, their sleep is light and easily disturbed. Many awaken in the morning feeling exhausted and unrefreshed. These sleep disturbances may help create a constant state of fatigue.

During sleep, individuals with fibromyalgia are constantly interrupted by bursts of brain activity similar to the activity that occurs in the brain when they are awake. Tests in sleep labs done on individuals with fibromyalgia have shown that people with fibromyalgia experience interruptions in deep sleep. These interruptions limit the amount of time they spend in deep sleep. As a result, their body is unable to rejuvenate itself.

Does morning stiffness affect many fibromyalgia patients?

Studies show that more than 75% of people diagnosed with fibromyalgia feel stiffness in the morning on arising. The stiffness is extensive -- affecting the muscles and joints of the back, arms, and legs. It makes them feel the need to "loosen up" after getting out of bed before beginning their usual activities.

Some people with fibromyalgia report that the morning stiffness may last only a few minutes, but in general, it is usually very noticeable for more than 15 to 20 minutes each day. In some cases, though, the stiffness lasts for hours, and in others it seems to be present all day.

While most people feel stiff when they first wake up, the stiffness associated with fibromyalgia is much more than simply a minor aching. In fact, people with fibromyalgia have the same feeling of stiffness in the morning that people feel with many types of arthritis, especially rheumatoid or inflammatory arthritis.

Is depression a fibromyalgia symptom?

Depression is a key symptom for most people with fibromyalgia. Approximately one out of every four patients with fibromyalgia has current major depression. And one out of every two people with fibromyalgia has a lifetime history of depression.

Stress from the constant pain and fatigue can cause anxiety. Also, chronic pain can result in a person being less active and becoming more withdrawn. This, in turn, can lead to depression.

It is also possible that anxiety and depression may actually be a part of fibromyalgia, just like the pain. Many patients with depression and fibromyalgia tell of having great difficulty concentrating on their work along with impaired short-term memory at times.

What causes swelling and tingling hands with fibromyalgia?

Neurological complaints -- such as numbness, tingling, and burning -- are often present with fibromyalgia. While what causes these feelings is unclear, numbness or tingling sensations in the hands, arms, or legs are felt by more than half of the people with fibromyalgia. The feelings may be especially bothersome when they occur in the mornings along with morning stiffness on arising.

The medical term for these sensations is paresthesia. The sensations usually happen at irregular times. When they do occur, they may last a few minutes or they may be constant. While the sensations can be bothersome, they are not severely limiting.

Are chronic headaches a symptom of fibromyalgia?

Chronic headaches, such as recurrent migraine or tension-type headaches, are common in about 70% of the people with fibromyalgia. They can pose a major problem in a person's ability to cope with and self-manage FMS.

The headaches may be a result of pain in the neck and upper part of the back. They are often caused by tightness and contraction of the muscles of the neck, which results in a type of headache called tension-type headaches or muscle-contraction headaches. They may also be caused by tenderness from trigger points over the back of the head and neck. It is important to remember that other medical problems can cause headaches that should be properly diagnosed and treated by your doctor.

Is irritable bowel syndrome a symptom of FMS?

Constipation, diarrhea, frequent abdominal pain, abdominal gas, and nausea represent symptoms frequently found in roughly 40% to 70% of patients with fibromyalgia. Acid reflux or gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) also occurs with the same high frequency.

Do menstrual cramps affect women with fibromyalgia?

Unusually painful menstrual cramps occur in 30% to 40% or more of women with fibromyalgia. These cramps, along with other symptoms, are usually present for years.

How is Raynaud's phenomenon related to fibromyalgia?

Raynaud's phenomena is present in 25% to 50% of the people with fibromyalgia. With Raynaud's, your fingers or toes may become quite pale, cold, or blue when exposed to cold temperatures, for example when you are holding a cold glass. The pale or blue changes usually last a few minutes and may be accompanied by pain. When the hands or feet are warmed, they return to normal.

What is restless legs syndrome with fibromyalgia?

Restless legs syndrome results in discomfort in the legs, especially the areas of the legs below the knees, and the feet. It is especially bothersome at night. The feeling can be painful, but most commonly it is described as the need to move the legs to try to make them comfortable.

Restless legs syndrome often interrupts sleep as the person tries to find a comfortable position for rest. As with other symptoms, restless legs syndrome can be found alone or along with other medical problems.

CAUSES:
Investigators are constantly looking at various explanations for the occurrence of fibromyalgia. Some, for example, are exploring hormonal disturbances and chemical imbalances that affect nerve signaling. Other experts believe fibromyalgia with its deep muscle pain is linked to stress, illness, or trauma. Still others think there is a hereditary cause or say there is no explanation at all. But while there is no clear consensus about what causes fibromyalgia, most researchers believe fibromyalgia results not from a single event but from a combination of many physical and emotional stressors.

What causes fibromyalgia?

Some have speculated that lower levels of serotonin in the blood leads to lowered pain thresholds or an increased sensitivity to pain. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter in the brain. It's associated with a calming, anxiety-reducing reaction. The lowered pain thresholds may be caused by the reduced effectiveness of the body's natural endorphin painkillers and the increased presence of a chemical called "substance P." Substance P amplifies pain signals.

There have been some studies that link fibromyalgia to sudden trauma to the central nervous system. Keep in mind, though, theories about what causes fibromyalgia are merely speculative.

Who gets fibromyalgia?

Fibromyalgia is far more common in women than in men. Some interesting studies show that women have approximately seven times less serotonin in the brain. That may explain why fibromyalgia syndrome, or FMS, is more prevalent in women.

Another theory states that fibromyalgia is caused by biochemical changes in the body and may be related to hormonal changes or menopause. In addition, some (but not all) people with fibromyalgia have low levels of human growth hormone, which may contribute to the muscle pain.

Does stress cause fibromyalgia?

Some researchers theorize that stress or poor physical conditioning are factors in the cause of fibromyalgia. Another theory suggests that muscle "microtrauma" (very slight damage) leads to an ongoing cycle of pain and fatigue. This mechanism, like all the others, is still unproven for fibromyalgia.

Do insomnia or sleep disorders cause fibromyalgia?

Most people with FMS experience insomnia or non-restorative sleep -- sleep that is light and not refreshing. Disordered sleep might lead to the lower levels of serotonin, which results in increased pain sensitivity. Researchers have created a lower pain threshold in women by depriving them of sleep, possibly simulating fibromyalgia.

Is depression linked to fibromyalgia?

Some scientists used to believe that because fibromyalgia was accompanied by low-grade depression, there may be a link between the two illnesses. Today, mental health issues are no longer thought to cause fibromyalgia. However, chronic pain can cause feelings of anxiety and depression, which may worsen fibromyalgia symptoms.

Is fibromyalgia hereditary?

Like other rheumatic diseases, fibromyalgia could be the result of a genetic tendency that's passed from mother to daughter. Some researchers believe that a person's genes may regulate the way his or her body processes painful stimuli. These scientists theorize that people with fibromyalgia may have a gene or genes that cause them to react intensely to stimuli that most people would not perceive as painful. To date, these genes have not been isolated or identified.

It's thought that when a person with this genetic tendency is exposed to certain emotional or physical stressors -- such as a traumatic crisis or a serious illness -- there is a change in the body's response to stress. This change can result in a higher sensitivity of the entire body to pain.

What are risk factors for fibromyalgia?

Risk factors are distinct characteristics researchers have identified that may increase your chance of getting a certain illness. While researchers have identified some common risk factors for fibromyalgia, there are still many people with the disease who have none of these traits. Also, some women have fibromyalgia with certain diseases, such as osteoarthritis, rheumatoid arthritis, systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE), or other autoimmune diseases. But others have fibromyalgia without any underlying disease.

Possible risk factors for fibromyalgia include:

• gender (usually female)
• genetic disposition (may be inherited)
• menopause (loss of estrogen)
• poor physical conditioning
• surgery
• trauma to the central nervous system (after an injury, accident, illness, or emotional stress)

HAHAHAHAHA!

**My husband and I are actually getting along great lately, I just thought this was funny!! :)

I had to write a serious post to get the last one further down the line. I hated the fact that when anyone pulled up my page they'd see that picture first thing. It's funny but it's horrendous! So, moving on...

We did fairly well at the garage sale we had this weekend. Dan and I made about $140 after we subtracted the fee for the ad in the paper ($15) and how much it cost to buy the signs at Walmart ($4). Considering we priced everything INCREDIBLY cheap, got rid of at least half our stuff, and the most expensive item we sold was a whopping $7.00, I'd say we did pretty darn good! The 2 bags of jeans/clothes for fall/winter that I have left I'm taking to a local resell store here in town...they pay pretty decent if it's items they want. A bag of summer stuff I'll save to take to them in the Spring, and the rest of the stuff is all going to Goodwill!

I'm not sure if I wrote about the huge mountain of garbage bags my sister in law dropped off at my house a couple weeks ago??? There were at least 7 of the huge black bags, FULL of girl clothes and shoes. From newborn all the way to a girls size 6. A coworker gave the stuff to her and she didn't want ANY of it. My brother in law said she basically opened one of the bags, said "EW!" and gave it all to me. I happily sat in my front yard going through every single item in every single bag and OH MY GOSH it was like Christmas! I found a whole bag and a half of clothes for Hailey...tshirts and shorts to wear now...pants, long sleeved shirts, winter dresses, sweaters and sweatshirts for this fall/winter season. Even a little pair of shoes, the white leatherish Keds style (they were Honor brand from Target) that Hailey LOVES and insists on wearing every day. She's actually wearing them out already LOL she wears them so much! I even took some of the cute baby girl things, because you never know what our next one will be! The rest of the stuff I had my cousin go through for her new niece...they have NO money so I know she'll really appreciate the stuff. I also let another friend go through the stuff and have whatever she wanted. I have to mention, this stuff wasn't just crappy old stuff...almost all the stuff I took for Hailey was name brand, Gap, Children's Place, OshKosh, Gymboree, Old Navy, Carter's...it's good stuff! I've washed everything and made a huge pile in Hailey's closet. My sister in law said she has a few more bags for me and her coworker has even more to give her as well. After this stuff plus whatever handmedowns I get from my friend that gives me handmedowns every season, I don't think I'll have to buy anything for Hailey this winter except maybe a coat and a pair of tennis shoes! YAY! Now if only I could find somebody that would give me handmedowns for myself!

I had found a dark brown area rug at Walmart that would be perfect for our living room and at only $39.98 the price wasn't THAT bad. But I still refused to pay that much! Imagine my dismay when I went to Walmart Sunday and not only was the only one they had left GONE, but it had been on sale for $30.00! :( I found some awesome curtains at Walmart as well, only $10.00 a panel, but because the college students are back and completely clearing the shelfs of EVERYTHING, there were no curtain rods left! I also wanted to get one of those Febreze things you plug into the wall that alternates scents throughout the day...of course, they were out of those too. They were even out of hand soap. Seriously. Today I had to run to a different Walmart at lunch and get dessert supplies for tomorrow's birthday lunch here at work. I'm so incredibly glad I did! Not only did they have my $30.00 rug, they also had the perfect curtain rod for the living room for only $9.88 AND the one I'd wanted for the playroom was finally on sale for $7.00! They even had tons of choices for the Febreze plug in I wanted and I found a scent combo I love! I can't wait to get home and plug it in and put my new rug on the floor and make D hang up the curtains! Now the only curtains I have left to find are for the dining room. Oh our end table/coffee table set also came in yesterday so D is supposed to put that together tonight. Yay!

OMG

A few little things went wrong this past Friday night which resulted in me not getting to my dad's until about 11:00. We still had to finish setting the rest of the garage sale stuff up and price a few more bags of baby clothes. Fortunately I was able to really cheer up my sister by being a complete doofus and doing this....
I'm glad that I'm feeling happy enough to goof off again. And it's amazing what being exhausted, a little girl's shirt, some tupperware and a really cheap wig will do for a girl...LOL

I have to give some background. My dad has been telling a LOT of tall tales recently, moreso than usual. Thursday night he told us that when he was in the service he dated this girl with double D boobs that wore these little fuzzy shirts that barely covered her boobs (This is wrong on so many levels...for one, hello he's my dad, EW! and two...um, I didn't mention to him the fact that he was married to my mom in the service...oh well.) So when I found this little red shirt while pricing things I just had to poke fun at the whole story.

Gotta love Etsy and a great giveaway!!

You have to check out THIS Etsy shop...she makes the cutest key fobs and I am in LOVE with the plates that she paints. I am seriously contemplating buying a certain one for Hailey's bedroom!! MomDot is having a giveaway...head on over and enter, you could be one of two people to win a key fob from this wonderful Etsy shop!!

Rambling

And now the reasons why I also hate my family...last night was NOT fun like the night before was. They fought last night. My stepmom left to go to the store and never came back. My poor little brother was at a loss for what to do. My sister started screaming at my dad in the house, something about cheating...they're all just so overly dramatic. They always have to have some sort of drama. I wanted to scream, JUST GROW UP AND GET OVER IT ALL! Instead I priced what I could for the garage sale and left, telling my little brother to hang in there and I was sorry he had to go through that.

Luckily, Hailey was with D at his parents house last night. His grandparents were in town for one night and I am SO SO SO glad that I decided to go over there right after I picked Hailey up from school and go out to eat with everyone. It was a nice break in my evening. I got to see my sister and brother in law, and my nephews actually LOVED me, it was great! Right when I walked in the back door I could hear my oldest nephew squeal and say "Erin's here!" How cool is that?? I sat in the rocking chair and as soon as Hailey vacated my lap little W ran over and hopped up and made himself comfy! Made me feel totally awesome. I talked to him about school a little bit (he'll be 4 in march!) and eventually he ran off to play with everybody else. My other nephew, baby W (who's 1 this month!!) looked and looked at me and just squealed and waved. What a cutie!! Papa, D's dad, actually paid a LOT of attention to Hailey last night too so that made D and I happy. We all went to eat together and had a lot of fun. I let little W come sit on my lap and finish my brownie and then I cleaned him up after I cleaned Hailey up. They are so cute together, they hold hands and talk and run around. I love it. After we ate, we saw Hailey's best friend, Little C and his parents. His last day at Hailey's school is today so we are so so sad :( I told his mom last night how he hugged Hailey the other day when I was there to pick her up and he told her "I love you Hailey" and she reached over and patted his knee. His mom said we should just start planning their wedding now. He is the sweetest, cutest little boy. We're definitely going to have to get together with them on a regular basis so they can continue being friends! After that I left and went to my Dad's while D took Hailey to his parent's house to spend a little more time with the grandparents. That was really big because D doesn't take Hailey anywhere by himself. I've been really encouraging him lately to do more with her on his own. They had a great time playing. I got home around 9 and got her ready and put her to bed. Then I started in organizing and pricing my sister in laws things for the garage sale. After doing two huge bags I got myself ready for bed picked up the living room and then did the dishes at 11:45. I finally got to bed around midnight. I only got about 5.5 hrs of sleep but I'm feeling so accomplished after getting everything done last night that I set out to do, so I'm feeling pretty good about today. Also, today is my mom's 49th birthday and Hailey and I are taking her out for dinner tonight! Hopefully today goes as smoothly as yesterday did...it didn't start out too promising, with me waking up a little late, jabbing the mascara want in my eye and getting mascara EVERYWHERE and then I went to wake Hailey up and found her sleeping on soaked sheets, the poor girl had peed enough to fill 3 diapers...but I'm still thinking positive, I only got to work 1 minute late, everybody's been in a really good mood towards me today, and hopefully it just gets better from here on out!

Hope everybody has a great weekend! Wish me luck with this darned garage sale!!

This breaks my heart...I don't understand how anyone could ever do something like this. I've had my fair share of frustrations raising an infant that I wasn't prepared for, during those sleepless nights when I was so exhausted all I could do was bawl...but I still don't see how anyone could do a thing like this. God bless this little baby, his mother and the rest of his family he left behind.

Work is really boring me today...

I've been insanely busy lately trying to get ready for a garage sale we're having this weekend at my sister's. I have a LOT of stuff to get rid of so I really hope it goes well. My mom watched Hailey last night while I went over to her house to get everything set up. We still have so much left to do though, I'm getting a little stressed. D's grandparents are coming into town today for one day only and tomorrow is my mom's birthday. But yet I still have all this stuff left for the sale to do too!

Last night was actually really fun. Even though that side of my family is crazy, I seriously love hanging out with them (most of the time--as long as they're not fighting). I can be myself, however I'm feeling, whatever mood I'm in, and they love me anyways. I don't have to watch my language, I can trash talk my dad one minute and he'll turn around and call me "baby girl" the next minute. We have a blast joking with each other, giving each other crap, farting and play fighting. Sounds so white trash, but man what a blast. They even accept all my wierd quirks and don't say a thing...unless it's to give me crap for it LOL. We even have fun doing things like cleaning the garage. Having your sister and brother push the riding lawn mower around the yard while you sit on it and steer can be a LOT of fun. And my sister and I totally have ESP...I can't count how many times I've looked at my cell phone and thought "I wish she'd call me" and my phone rings and it's her. Last night after I hopped off the lawn mower I thought to myself "Hm, a piggy back ride would be nice" and she said "Want a piggy back ride?" I hopped on and away we went, running around the yard hooting and hollering. I'm sure the neighbors were thinking WOW those people have issues...but you know what, it's nice once in a while to act completely immature, completely crude, not worry about what other people think and just let loose and have fun! I am desperately trying NOT to think about how my sister is moving all the way across the country in less than a month. I don't know what I'm going to do. Right now my coping tactic is to pretend it's not happening. Yea I know, real healthy. Moving on...

I got my necklace in the mail the other day that I won at Joanna's blog party. It's beautiful, I absolutely love it. My daughter does to. She tried to claim someone sent it to HER in the mail and it was HER necklace. I eventually bribed it away from her and put it out of her sight...so now she's forgotten it ever existed.

We got new living room furniture. I went couch shopping a couple weeks ago with my mom because she was in desperate need of a new set and was giving her old set to a college guy that's finally getting his own apartment. I found a set and fell completely in love with it. I obsessed about it for a week and finally D and my sister went with me to see it and we bought it. I get insanely happy every time I look at my new couch and chair and 1/2. I'm craving time to just sit in that huge chair, cuddle up with my blankie and relax. We also ordered a new end table/coffee table set but it hasn't come in yet. Now that we don't have to use the living room as a play room anymore, I can take up more space with furniture. I can't wait to get the tables in. I'm sick of bumping our ghetto end table and having the broken leg fall off which then makes it fall over and dump everything including our lamp on the floor. I'm also saving up for this $40 dark brown area rug I found at Walmart and some curtains for the living room window. The color is kind of off in these pictures...it's really blue and brown. In the last picture it shows the table set we ordered. We didn't get the loveseat though, just the couch and chair. Hailey has a new obsession with chewing gum. She knows it's "for her mouth, not for her belly" and she has never swallowed it. She chews it with all her teeth, it's in this big string in her mouth. She says she makes worms with her gum. Ew. She's taken to digging through my purse to find her special pack of Trident fruit gum and getting a piece on her own without asking. Which means my wallet or other purse things are frequently NOT in my purse anymore...like today, I realized I have no wallet. Which means no license and no money. That little toot. She wants her gum first thing in the morning. I, of course, won't give it to her until after I pick her up from school in the afternoon so she's been throwing a whiny mini-fit every morning. Yesterday morning she actually had the nerve to ask me if I'd take my purse in to her sitter's house and leave it there. She thought she was being sneaky, thought she could get gum that way without me being around!

Last night while Hailey was at my mom's she started pooping in her diaper. My mom tried to bribe her to get her to go on the potty. She told her "If you go poop on the potty I'll give you marshmellows!" Hailey said, in a snotty little girl tone, "I had marshmellows YESTERDAY at HEATHER'S house" and she continued to poop in her diaper. In case my mom hadn't gotten the point that she can't bribe her with marshmellows, Hailey reiterated the fact later in the night that she had marshmellows YESTERDAY at her sitter's house. Ha. Take that Grandma.

My husband left the faucet running in the downstairs bathroom sink last night. I'm so loathing getting our next utility bill. I'm praying it's not going to be outrageous. I cannot believe he does crap like this. Remember the time he left our front door wide open all day at the other place?? Well since we've moved into our new place he's gone to bed with ALL the locks unlocked on our doors TWICE. Luckily the last time freaked him out so bad he hasn't done it since the first couple weeks we lived there. He's also taken to using a knife and leaving it on the edge of the kitchen counter...HELLO, we have a 2 year old in the house that LOVES to get things off the counter herself...image if she reached up, touched the handle which would spin the knife off the counter and it stabbed her in the eye. I've reminded him at least 5 times and he still keeps forgetting. I also found his razor on the edge of the bathroom counter last night. Then last night w/ the water running...which pales in comparison with the other unsafe things he's done...I'm wondering, is he just completely careless or is he incredibly lazy??

I'll end this with a little Bigfoot talk. Has everyone heard the news??!?! Freaking crazy! I can't believe they really might have found a dead bigfoot. If you haven't heard it yet, just do an internet search for "bigfoot body found in Georgia" and you'll find it. It was even on Fox News. My husband and I, being the complete nerds that we are, were on the internet til 11:00 last night reading the articles and watching the video of the news broadcast. Then of course I had to show him the recent articles showcased on CNN.com about the mangy cayote somebody videotaped running down a gravel road...the thing really does look like a chupacabra. And then there's the Montauk Monster, that thing is CREEPY looking. By the time we were done and my very normal husband declared that he thinks aliens are real, I was completely creeped out to the point where I didn't even want to go take a shower alone. I get really freaked out about all that crap! By the time I got to bed at 11:45 (damn Olympics being on so late, don't they know I HAVE to watch gymnastics if I catch it on?!?) I was so tired but still so freaked out I had to go to sleep with my bedside lamp on. So I'm exhausted today, and it's raining outside which means unless it quits my job tonight working on the garage sale is going to be that much of a pain in the butt to get done.

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they're married....

My mom sent me this email today and I thought it was too funny not to share...some of you might've read this already but I thought it was hilarious!

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they're married....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'Oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Summer Photo Contest!

5 Minutes for Mom is having a Summer Photo Contest! I chose this photo as my entry because to me, there's nothing more summery than my little girl's excitement during her first experience at the Lake, which is one of our summer traditions!

I went to the dr. this morning. She's sending me to a rheumatologist. I go see him on the 20th. She also put me on Lexapro for my OCD. Hopefully it will help and I'll be able to cut back on my anxiety over things being germ free, spotless and organized so my stress levels will go down some. I also have to have a sleep study done. She's really concerned about my level of fatigue since I'm falling asleep on the way home from work and things like that. And since I NEVER wake up refreshed, ever. After that, if I need to she'll send me to a neurologist. But she really thinks I might have some sort of sleep issue because the extreme lack of good sleep could be causing all of my problems. My feet going numb/white is something called Renard's syndrome and she doesn't really know why that's happening every now and then. It's something about the small blood vessels contracting?? Basically it's the least of my problems right now though :) I'm going to go through with all this and even take the medication even though I'm pretty highly against medicines in general, especially ones like Lexapro and Prozac. Sorry if you need to take them, but it just personally scares the poop out of me. Especially after my experience with Cymbalta I tried to take to help with my pain. But she said this one is very well tolerated, not like the effects you get from Cymbalta, and should really help with my OCD.

I'm doing all this because I want my life back. I want a normal, happy life. And I'm doing it to save my personal relationships, esp. my marriage. I know my craziness hasn't helped anything any. D and I had a long talk this weekend and he's really trying to reassure me more and be more supportive instead of just telling me I have issues that I need to get help for. He's seeing that I'm really trying to work on things so he's trying to. Hopefully everything will start to get better from here on out. I'm feeling more positive about everything now since my dr. visit.

Also, I got to work this morning and found out I'd won one of the giveaways over at Joanna's blog party! Oddly enough, THIS was the item I won. I told my mom that I think God's trying to tell me something. She told me I better start going to church :) I'm super excited that I won this necklace, I absolutely love it. And it really put a positive spin on my day :)

Disturbing weekend happenings

The shower Saturday went really well. The games were fun, especially the melted candy bars in diapers one...the food was good, everything worked out great. I wasn't as social as I should have been, but oh well that's just me. I was exhausted from spending Thursday and Friday nights and Saturday morning doing baby shower stuff, then doing more shower stuff at my friend's house before the shower, and trying to keep her little twerp of a daughter from hurting Hailey was just the icing on the cake. Her girls are so bad! Her oldest, A, is going into 3rd grade this year. The other one is 10 months older than Hailey. They pick on each other non stop and in the middle of the circle of women at this shower they were actually wrestling with each other and almost landing on the 2 little boys of 2 of S's other friends! S doesn't get onto them at all other than to sound annoyed and say to them "You all stop it!" but they keep going and she just lets it happen! Finally we got the girls to go back in the bedroom and play, but I had to keep running back there because the youngest, J, continually picks on Hailey JUST TO HEAR HER CRY. I think she has major issues, personally. It just seems so...evil...the way she picks on Hailey. One time RIGHT in front of me, she shut Hailey's little fingers in a desk and pushed down and pushed down and I had to literally push her out of the way to get Hailey's fingers out. Saturday it wasn't so much the physical torment as it was the mental. Every single thing Hailey wanted to play with, J would take away. Hailey was being so sweet and innocent and she was so excited to go play with her friend J. And J has all these cool stuffed animals Hailey LOVED, but every single time she'd get that excited happy look on her face, grin from ear to ear, and pick up an animal...J would grab it and sit on it or put it behind her back JUST to watch Hailey cry. It was absolutely pitiful. I felt so bad for Hailey. At one point I had one of those really weird moments where I felt like if I hadn't gotten there when I did something bad would have happened. I couldn't find the girls and I could hear Hailey crying frantically. I found them shut in the baby's room, Hailey cowering in the corner under the crib and J had some sort of bar from underneath the back of the crib (metal tube like thing) in her hands blocking Hailey back there. I asked what the hell she was doing and she just mumbled something about the bar being from the crib. I told her to get out and I pulled Hailey from under the crib and explained that we don't play in that room. It was just an eerie feeling, to open that bedroom door and walk into a dark room and find my child blocked under a crib, her crying. I have no idea what she was trying to do to Hailey. I just thank God I got there in time. I was very hesitant about letting her play with J after that, but I had to finish the shower. At one point when S was opening her presents I was sitting on the couch next to her other good friend (mom to one of the baby boys I mentioned earlier) and she asked me if Hailey and J usually play well together. I kind of hesitated and said softly under my breath "Not exactly...J sort of...picks on Hailey." She very sarcastically said "OH MY, J?? NO WAY, imagine that!!" because she feels the same way about J as I do. Then not 10 minutes later, somebody asked S about the girls playing together and S made the comment in front of the whole group "They used to pick on each other SO BAD! Like torment each other just to torment! But they're doing really good now!" I was so mad when she said that! Ok Hailey is the bully at daycare, I will readily admit that. She bites the other kids because they take her toys, because they take her spot in line, or just because they looked at her wrong...even little A who's only a year old, or little M who is the sweetest little girl and wouldn't hurt a fly. We've had to enact a rewards/consequences routine now where what we do in the evenings solely depends on Hailey's performance at school that day, and it's working wonderfully. She's improved immensely...she loves being a good little girl and having Mommy so happy with her and getting to do fun things. She did have one slip up Friday where her and the sitter's son who is the same age as her bit each other. But it was a mutual bite, not something she did alone or innitiated. And she's only 2, she's not going to be perfect all the time. BUT...she has NEVER picked on J. J is like twice the size of Hailey, she's really tall for her age, and Hailey has NEVER EVER picked on this girl. So for my friend to tell all her friends and family that they picked on each other REALLY pissed me off. Especially since not 5 minutes later Hailey started screaming again. I ran down the hallway and she jumped into my arms, talking incessantly and incoherantly to the point of being manic. I have never seen her like that EVER. I finally got her to calm down enough to form real words and she told me "J said monsters were coming to get us in the bedroom!" Again, J had shut them in the bedroom in the dark. The whole time this was happening, J was standing there just watching Hailey with this intensely interested look on her face. It was so incredibly creepy. I was so pissed. We don't use physical punishment but I was THIS close to smacking that little twerp. I told her very firmly and meanly that we do NOT believe in monsters and there are NO SUCH THING as monsters. I calmly and nicely told Hailey that she knows there's no monsters, and Hailey, sobbing, still so upset, said between breaths "Just me and Mommy and Zoe and Daddy and Olga and Rory (her stuffed dog)" and she went on and on...that's what she does when she gets scared, I taught her to do that to remind herself that the only people in the house are us. No monsters. The poor, poor thing, my heart broke for her. I have never seen her so scared. From then on I wouldn't let her go back in the bedroom with J and we left soon after, as soon as we could. What made me even more mad is that when I heard Hailey's frantic screams my mom was back in the bathroom and J who is S's mom, told me "Oh she's fine, your mom's back there." I don't give a damn who's back there, when I hear my child scream like that I will run to see what's wrong! I am deeply disturbed by what happened there that day, and one thing is for damn sure...J will not be playing with Hailey anymore. It's sad because S is my oldest friend. But I won't have my child be tortured like that.

What makes all this worse is the fact that Hailey is fighting going to bed at night now. Saturday night she bawled, begging me to take her to Walmart to buy juice, or go on a walk, or watch movies...anything but make her go to bed. And then last night was even worse. She couldn't get to sleep, she tossed and turned, D tried laying down with her while I took a shower because she's been his little buddy lately, even that didn't work. She even asked to sleep with mommy and daddy in our bed which she NEVER does. I beg her to sleep with me when D's out of town and she refuses! Finally it was after midnight and I told her I'd turn her new nightlight on but that I had to go to bed. I told her to lay there and have "Boppy time" which is what she calls laying in bed resting with her pacifiers and try to get to sleep and that if she needed mommy or daddy that we were right across the hall. I told her I was so tired and had to go to bed. D and I sat in bed, whispering to each other, for 30 minutes. Finally we went and checked and lo and behold, she'd fallen asleep. I turned off her light. I found out this morning just why she was so freaked out. When I woke her up to get ready to go to daycare she automatically started asking about the monsters. We did our whole "There are no monsters, just me and mommy etc." thing but when I laid her on the floor to change her diaper I could tell she was still freaked out. She turned and watched behind her out the door. And this is all happening because that little twerp J freaked Hailey out so bad Saturday. I am just livid. WHY will my friend not discipline her daughters?? Why does she just let them do whatever they please? I mean J has major issues IMO...not only was she doing these things to Hailey, but after most people left she was walking around telling me to shut up even though I told her very firmly that we don't use those words. Then both S's girls pulled Haiely in the bathroom with them. I set the stuff I was carrying down and went and opened the door and the older one was on the toilet pooping, it stank to high heaven in there, and the younger one was on the little potty peeing and Hailey was trying to pull her diaper down to pee on the other little potty. I told her she could pee in her diaper and pulled her out of the bathroom. Then J, the younger one, came out of the bathroom with no panties on and laid down and put her crotch up in the air moving herself around and grabbed herself and started saying something. It was so disturbing. She's only 3 but the whole feel of it was just so wrong, it was on the verge of her trying to be sexual, and she's only 3 freaking years old!! My friend just grabbed her and put panties on her. No consequences for her actions. No making her wash her hands even. I love my friend, but I think she is lacking some serious parenting skills in the discipline department. I'm just thanking God the shower is over with and we don't have to be around them anymore and I'm praying to God to help me undo the damage that J did to my Hailey.

And while I'm on the subject...what is it with older little girls?? Because at the shower Sunday, the hostesses 4 year old little girl was doing sort of the same things except not with ill-intent, just being a little snot. She wouldn't let Hailey touch any of her toys after she invited her back into her bedroom and when Hailey went into her little sister's room she told me that Hailey messed everything up and we'd have to fix it ALL (with a huge dramatic bitchy sigh!) and all Hailey would have done was like sit in a wooden rocking chair. That's it. I didn't know these people so I just made Hailey stay out in the dining room with me and then thank God after the mom was done opening her presents Hailey said very loudly to me "Mommy I want to go home NOW!" so we left. (I really didn't mind, the last lady that got there turned out to be a now-it-all...she was older than all the rest of us girls and we were getting along great laughing and everything before this lady got there...she gave me so many dirty looks I lost count, and I was barely even talking...I was so thankful for Hailey demanding we leave!)

I'm starting to realize my kid isn't as bad as I thought...yea she might be a bully sometimes at daycare, but I've come to see she's not near as bad as some of the other kids out there, especially when it comes to attitude. I just wish I had a friend around here that had a little girl Hailey's age that I got along with really well. It would be really nice to have a friend to get together with where we could let the kids play...it wouldn't even necessarily have to be a girl, although Hailey is definitely more into baby dolls and things like that :) I wish my cousin lived in town, her little girl was 3 in July but her and Hailey are 2 peas in a pod! They're both really respectful of each other and play together wonderfully! We miss them dearly, they live about 2 hours away. :(

I don't know a good way to end this post so I'm just going to end it here...

I need answers

I'm going back to the dr. Monday. I finally bit the bullet and made an appointment. My health issues have been getting worse, my pain has come back full swing and I'm having new problems as well. It's been bringing me down lately even though I've been trying to pretend nothing's wrong. It really hit me Saturday morning when I woke up to my arms hurting/aching/throbbing so bad. It continued through the weekend and my lower half started throbbing and aching as well. Every day this week I've gone to bed at the end of the day with my hips and legs just throbbing. I end up having to take Advil to get it under control enough so I can get some sleep. The problem with that is, now I'm having sharp stomach pains every day from the Advil. Last night I didn't take any Advil and it took me forever to finally fall asleep. By yesterday afternoon I'd just had enough. I can't act like nothing's wrong anymore, and I can't hide the rest of my symptoms from my doctor. Or anybody. It's not doing me any good, and I think actually it's hurting me because not only am I not able to find out what's wrong with me when I hold back information, but it also makes people look at me in the wrong light. I'm seen as a complainer, and people think I'm lying or just using my health issues as an excuse to not do things or get out of going places. Which is so far from the truth. I want to have a normal life. I don't want to have issues anymore!! I would love to wake up feeling refreshed and be able to perform my duties all day, whether it be at home on the weekends or at work during the week and then at home at night...and have energy for fun stuff too. I'm tired of feeling like my body just has no energy whatsoever, like it's just so tired and heavy and weak. I'm tired of not being able to think clearly...I'm tired of feeling like my mind is in a fog. I'm tired of not being able to find the right words sometimes when I'm trying to tell somebody something. I'm tired of it being SO hard for me to learn new things. I'm tired of my joints and muscles hurting and aching and throbbing. I'm tired of my hand shaking at random times for no good reason at all. I'm tired of my OCD and being so stressed out because of my obsession with germs and things being clean...my husband is the total opposite, so my house is always cluttered and dirty even after I've JUST cleaned it! I need this not to bother me anymore because I NEVER feel relaxed or comfortable being at home because of it! I'm tired of constantly thinking people don't like me, or that people are talking about me or thinking bad things about me. I'm tired of being so paranoid that I'm going to die an early death and never get to have anymore babies or have a good life. I have issues, and I need to get them resolved. I need a name for what I have, I need a reason that I'm feeling this way. I need to be able to tell people "THIS is what I have" and know that I'm not crazy. I also need for my mom to support me and quit telling me I shouldn't have anymore kids because I can't take care of them...even though I take care of my kid almost 100% by myself when she's not at daycare! I need people to be supportive of me instead of telling me what I "shouldn't" do because I "can't." I need people to tell me I CAN do things and I need to know that I have people backing me and being there for me when I need a little extra support. I'm so tired of going through a really good phase and then waking up one day hurting and having it all go downhill from there until I hit another good patch again. It doesn't make any sense. That doesn't just happen. I'm not depressed, that's not what's causing this. But I have noticed that when I start hurting, when my symptoms start getting worse, that's when I don't handle things as well and I feel like I'm in danger of becomming depressed. I'm just tired of not knowing, I'm tired of nobody understanding, I'm tired of nobody being supportive, and I'm just tired of being so tired.

So incredibly upset...

It's already started w/ my inlaws. My mother in law had told me she was too busy with work to go look at sewing machines with me and now all of a sudden since she finds out my sister in law is having a little girl she's taking her shopping at the mall tonight for little girl stuff. So much for the excuse of being too busy with work! And taking my SIL shopping for girl stuff is something my mother in law would NEVER do w/ me, no matter how many times I asked if she'd like to go look at stuff w/ me. ONE time she went w/ me and she spent the whole time looking at boy stuff and saying she needed to buy Nephew W this and that and she wouldn't look at anything I showed her for Hailey. Oh ok I take it back, ONE time she took me to Old Navy to buy Hailey clothes for her 1st birthday and all I was doing was commenting on how cute this and that was and I didn't expect her to buy anything, I was purely looking and commenting and his mom got pissy and said "I'm not made out of money you know!" SIGH I hate my inlaws, I'm just so upset. Hailey has officially been replaced, there is no allure left at all to make them care about her at all anymore. D is beyond upset and mad that they are having a girl. He told me last night that he can tell me right now exactly how it's going to be w/ Hailey now that his brother and sister in law are having a girl...and I tried to be positive and tell him he didn't know that for sure etc. and I am eating my words because already it's started. First thing this morning, not even 24 hours after they found out, and I find out his mom is already taking SIL shopping because she's so far beyond excited that this is a little girl that it's not even funny. I have prayed Hailey's whole life that the inlaws would feel that way about Hailey, because Hailey loves them to pieces but they just DON'T for some reason. I want so bad to call his mom and tell her exactly what D and I think, but I never would. My heart just breaks for Hailey. She doesn't understand why they never come see her or want to keep her overnight or why they buy the boys twice as many presents as her or anything. She notices and she cries about it, but she doesn't understand why. I am just so deeply upset for my Hailey. I could care less that they don't want to do anything with D and I. But my little sweet Hailey, my loveable perfect adorably cute little girl...why don't they like her????? That's what I want to know. WHY don't they love her?