Here's to hoping...

Things have brightened considerably in the recent months. A little update...

~I quit my job at the daycare I was working for. It was turning Hailey into a MONSTER. The kids there were so bad. And they worked my ass off, 10 hour days, for about 3.60 an hour (what my pay came down to after I paid Hailey's fee to attend). So as soon as D got a job, I quit. And I'm so happy I did. Hailey's getting back to normal now that we're home again.

~I started watching a little girl at home. I'll be keeping my nephew as well as soon as the registration with the state goes through. He's state paid. I'm already making more money now, with just one kid, than I was making at that daycare. Which means between D's job and mine, we can finally pay all our bills. Thank God.

~I finally gave D a last ultimatum months ago. I think between me calmly telling him that if he doesn't start acting like a husband I'm getting my own place, and him having such a rough time finding a job without help from family for once...he grew up. His eyes finally opened. He FINALLY heard what I was saying, and took it to heart. He's been amazing. Not like helping around the house once in a while, playing with Hailey once in a while like he used to, amazing...but like REALLY amazing. Like I finally have a husband I brag about. And want to spend time with. And MISS when he's gone. It's totally weird. He talks to me. He takes interest in our lives. He's INVOLVED. He plays with Hailey a ton. They've become little buddies. He even talks to my family now...tells my mom things about Hailey when she comes over, and even talks to my cousin. She told me recently that when he started doing card tricks on her, she knew she'd been accepted. LOL Things have been great. He's finally grown up. God it took him long enough.

~With that said, we've decided to start trying for another baby. We're finally at a place where it would be a good thing. Hailey's at the right age, we're getting along better than we ever have, we're somewhat financially stable, I'm able to stay home AND make money...it's the perfect situation. And I can't wait. I've never been able to really try for a baby before. We tried for one month after I was let go from my job back in May...we thought since I was going to be home from then on, it was a good time. But I went back on the pill right away when I found out we weren't successful that month, since things weren't looking so good between D and I. So for really the first time in my life, I'm finally TRYING for a baby. I didn't get to appreciate Hailey as a baby, and I cannot WAIT for the next one. I feel like I already love it and it's not even real yet LOL This will be my first time experiencing that joy and love at first sight. My mom's finally ready to be a grandma again as well. All that she asks is that we have another little girl. :) I'm hoping for another little girl as well, but anything is fine as long as it's healthy! We've just started our 2nd month trying, so hopefully we won't have to wait TOO long!

~I've started really figuring out the little things that make me happy, and doing those things for myself. This year WILL be a better year. Last year was insane. This year I'm taking things day by day, and really appreciating EVERYTHING we have, appreciating the time we have together, and remembering it's the little things in life that count. I'm drinking hot tea more. And coffee. I found these amazing coffee bags, just like tea bags...that make great single cups of coffee! I'm horrible at brewing a pot. I'm reading more. I'm watching a couple TV shows that I love without missing episodes. I hold Hailey's hand. I read her books. Lots of books. We love books! I look forward to cuddling with Hailey in bed every night. She sleeps with me now. D snores so super bad, it finally came to a point where we just had to start sleeping in separate rooms. And although everyone says it's better for Hailey to sleep in her own room...we just don't care. My favorite part of the day is cuddling up with her in bed, reading books, watching about 10 minutes of one of her movies, and then falling asleep with her snuggled up to my back. I love it.

~We found out after my sister moved to Haw.aii that her husband has to be deployed yet AGAIN. This time to Afghanistan. This will be his 3rd deployment. She's alone in Haw.aii. I've offered to let her stay with us for the months that he's gone. I hate to think of her being alone. She's like me. We need our people.

SO, here's to hoping. Hoping that my brother in law comes back home to us healthy and safe. Hoping for another baby. And hoping that 2010 proves to be a MUCH better year than 2009...that this year will be full of happiness and peace for my family!!

Warm Cranberry Tea

I came across a recipe in the new Dillard's Southern Living Christmas Cookbook (on pg. 124) that I just had to try. I've had a horrible chest cold lately and any sort of hot drink sounds SO GOOD. They're super soothing on the throat! We ran to Walmart today to get the ingredients and Hailey helped me make a big batch. It is unbelievably YUMMY!!! (Excuse the blurry pictures, they were taken with my camera phone!)

Warm Cranberry Tea

Prep: 5 min. Cook: 20 min.

1 (48 oz.) jar cranberry juice cocktail

2 cups sugar

1/4 cup lemon juice

4 (3 inch) cinnamon sticks

1 Tbsp. whole allspice

1/2 gal. unsweetened tea

1 cup orange juice

Bring first 5 ingredients to a boil in a large dutch oven; reduce heat, and simmer 10 minutes. Remove from heat. Remove cinnamon sticks and allspice; stir in tea and orange juice. Yield: 16 cups.

Cool Cranberry Tea: Prepare recipe as directed. Chill tea mixture 2 hours. Stir in 1 liter ginger ale, chilled, just before serving. If desired, garnish with lemon slices, fresh cranberries and cinnamon sticks. Yield: about 20 cups.

Update

Things have been crazy lately, as usual.

My sister went back to California, and is now a resident of beautiful Hawaii.

Last weekend I drove to STL to visit my cousin and her little girl. That night about 11:00 Hailey started coming down with a fever. My cousin's little girl got sick the next day...I'm used to Hailey having bugs here and there so I didn't think anything of it. My cousin, on the other hand, has always been a stay at home mom which means her daughter has hardly ever been sick. So she freaked at the 102 degree temp and took her to the dr. It's a good thing she did...the girls apparently had swine flu. Which it turns out, really isn't that big of a deal! Unless you have a heart or breathing problem, which neither of the girls do, thank goodness. Hailey was over her fever Tuesday.

Monday I left Hailey with my unemployed husband and went to apply at a childcare center right outside of town. They had me work on the playground for about an hour. They told me to go into DFS the next day and see about qualifying for free childcare. Yet again, being married screwed me over...we don't qualify. With or without D working. Without him working, they consider him able to care for her while I work. With him and I both working, even if we didn't make over 8$ an hour each, we still would be over the income limit because we only have one kid. I called the owner of the center Tuesday afternoon to let him know what I found out. They were very nice and said they could give me a 40% discount for Hailey to go there. He called me back later that day and just like that, I had a job. I started my new job Wednesday, only 2 days after I applied. My first day was HORRIBLE...but I think it was only because I wasn't quite prepared for what they wanted me to do, and because I hate change with a passion. Also Hailey stayed home with D for most of the day, to make my first day a little easier on me...D ended up bringing her at about 2:00 though, so he could go hunting. Nice. He hasn't changed. So the rest of the day was difficult, her clinging to me, not wanting me to do my job etc....I mean she's had my full undivided attention for 4 months now. Anyway, long story short, I completely changed professions from boring ol' accounting...and am now a teacher of an awnry, energetic, and adorable group of 2 year olds! I never quite believed I would be a teacher, even though I always sorta wanted to be. It's a HUGE job. With little pay. But it's worth it, it's rewarding, it's fun, and I get to wear YOGA PANTS to work every day if I want!! (Did I mention how much WORK this job is?!?! I never get to sit down. I sweep and mop floors, constantly pick up and clean, and I'm not even going to talk about the bathroom breaks right now, with 6 to 8 little 2 year olds running amock. It's craziness! But I love it...and hell, I may even lose some weight because of all the activity! LOL)

Amidst all the craziness of starting a new job and falling into place there, and trying to get my kid used to being in a new school, she comes down with ANOTHER fever. Complains of her ear hurting, and on my 3rd day of work throws up all over my bathroom. I called work, told them I'd be in a few minutes late, scheduled a dr. appt. for Hailey and had to leave her home with my (still) unemployed husband...and he's sick too, which means he's a huge baby right now, as well as a humongous GRUMP. Luckily they let me off work at 11:30 so I could come home and take Hailey to the dr. She had a horrible ear infection, bulging ear drum etc. Poor baby :( Rough week for her. She's on meds now and on the mend. Thank God.

Now I am on the hunt for lesson plans and activities for 2 year olds...the group I have have had so many different teachers (apparently nobody sticks around for long because 2 year olds are not the desired age to teach) that they don't know their colors, shapes, how to count or say the ABC's...any of it. It's hard to do activities when they don't even know the basics, and haven't been taught how to behave. So far I think things are going great. I think the kids are going to learn to listen to me...even after just 2 days in the classroom with them, I've been told they listen to me better than they have anybody else, even better than the other teachers that still work there. They seemed to have some fun with the activities I came up with (shape hokie pokie and playing WITH them during free play--which the teachers of the other classes don't do.) I'm still nervous about this week...the things that worry me are little things, like when do I schedule recess? The center doesn't have set times, which seems crazy to me. The place seems unorganized, it drives me nuts. I got lucky last week, it was way too rainy to even think about going outside. I just hate not knowing what's coming up, when to do what, etc. I like to be prepared. I know the longer I'm there, the better things will get. It's just getting to that point that is the hard part.

As far as D goes...I don't have a clue what to do. He can't get a job, not even an INTERVIEW. He's been applying everywhere, even places like Home Depot and Bass Pro. He's applied for janitor positions at the college here in town, because he's got 9 years of experience in that area. But he hasn't gotten a single interview anywhere. He's frustrated, but not as frustrated as he should be. He doesn't care that bills are going unpaid. He's still going hunting and playing golf a lot. He's going NOTHING around the house...and he criticized me for not making the house spotless when I wasn't working...even though I had Hailey to take care of and entertain all day every day. He doesn't watch her, he doesn't have a job...but yet he does nothing but make the house DIRTIER. I'm trying very hard to deal with a sick kid, a new job with long hours, my FMS problems (exhaustion and hurting) AND keep the house clean. I might as well be single. Seriously. I've come so super close to making him leave. When it comes down to it, I just don't want to move in with my mom. I'm so used to having my own space. In a perfect world, I would have enough money to get an apartment of my own for Hailey and I. And D would still be courteous, and pay child support when he got a job, and let me have full custody so he could go off and do whatever he wants whenever he wants. I cannot be without my daughter. I don't trust him with her for a day, let alone a weekend...especially with the fact that he'd be living with his parents (because face it, regardless of what he thinks, he could NOT support himself) and they do things like not feeding her because she isn't complaining about being hungry. And she hates staying there. She refuses to spend the night with them. UGH I just never wanted to be in this mess. I do love D, like you would love your best friend that you've had for the last 10 years. But he treats me like crap, and doesn't act like a husband at all. Still. And I just can't put up with this forever. I'm so torn on what to do. Right now I'm going to concentrate on my new job, and eventually, HOPEFULLY, I'll work things out in my head and be able to move on with my life...whether it's with him, or not.

To switch to a brighter subject...the pumpkin festival in Hartsburg, MO is coming up soon and I'm SO super excited!!! My mom took the whole weekend off work...I'm not even bugging D to go this year. My mom, Hailey and I are going to go and have a blast! I should have a new picture to put up after next weekend...I'll do like I normally do and post each year's picture, so everybody can see how much Hailey has changed!! :)

If anybody has any ideas for activities for my class, or websites they recommend etc., PLEASE let me know! Thanks!

Is there anybody out there?

Helllllllllllloooooooooooooooo...

After contemplating FO EVA what to do about this here bloggy thing, I guess I'm back.

WOW has my life ever changed.

After my last post things started going really downhill. I just couldn't handle everything, working 40 hrs a week, taking care of Hailey by myself since D was never home to help (or didn't help when he was home), all the stress of my family, financial stress etc. etc. etc. Something had to happen. I was at my breaking point. I was struggling just to make it through each day. Finally, something drastic did happen. I was fired from my job May 15 because I'd been less than 5 minutes late one too many times. No matter the salaried people (including my boss) were often later than myself. OH WELL. Whatever. I'm over it. For appx. 1.5 months I was blissfully happy. Being a stay at home mom was great. Then my husband was laid off from his job because in today's economy, less and less people can afford things like landscaping their yard. And I'm not gonna lie, every week is a struggle. Some better than others. D and I are trying really hard to make our marriage work, and it hasn't been going well at all. We're on another upswing, thanks to my telling myself daily to be more positive and make the best of things. That's all I can do. At least I'm not working anymore, so I can rest when I need to and have more energy for housework and Hailey. I actually cook meals now, take Hailey to the park...and D's looking for jobs. He found out today an application to the university around here was accepted, FINALLY, for a research position...I'm praying that works out well. Anyhoot...

Just a few pretty big things that have happened since my last post...

~In March I took a trip to Cali all by myself, to visit my lil sister. I flew for the first time EVER...all that worrying all my life, of my fear of heights and claustrophibia making me not able to fly...it was all for nothing! The minute that plane started to take off, I felt nothing but excitement. It was an absolute thrill. I would fly again tomorrow. I loved it.

I flew into LAX. Never thought in a million years I'd be in LA. Let alone flying into the LAX. Awesome.

I saw the ocean for the first time in CA...Redando Beach. Loved it.

And I also got my first tattoo (Hailey's initials). All around amazing experience...one that I will never forget.

~D and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary in June. We took Hailey to the Zoo and took her up in the Arch for the first time, which she loved. It was a good day, overall. In September, we will have been together 10 years. (Side note: my cousin's little girl who I swear was JUST a baby a couple years ago, is turning 16 this week. That's how old I was when I started dating D. And now S is turning 16, and somehow that realization is making me feel SUPER duper old!)

~A couple weeks ago I drove a bajillion miles with my cousin in tow, all the way from Mid-MO where I live to 29 Palms, CA to pick up my sister. We made the trip in 2 days, stopping at a hotel to sleep one night in Tucumcari, NM. We drove through Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and finally into California. I never want to drive through mountains again. We drove back to Mid-MO after sleeping one night at my sister's. She did most of the driving this time, thank God. We took a different route this time, through Las Vegas which was too cool, Utah (we stopped briefly in Salina to TRY to sleep in a hotel parking lot...we failed to get any rest, and I was suffering from it pretty bad...I hurt something HORRIBLE). I don't think I've ever been so happy to see the sun as I was after that hellish nigh in Utah... Riding through Colorado was absolutely awesome. Amazingly BEAUTIFUL. We stopped in a little town right outside of Vail, and I seriously didn't wanna leave. The little rest stop was right by a mountain stream...talk about amazing. I took over the driving in Denver, but only lasted a couple hours into Kansas. I was just beat. The trip home took a toll on our bodies and our relationships with each other. It was an experience, to say the least. But I'm proud to say I did it. I got to see some amazing places I never thought I'd ever get to see. I visited 7 new states (wow!) and even got to see the lights of Vegas! It was definitely an amazing life experience.

Somewhere in Utah

I'll end with a beautiful picture of Colorado.

I'll be around more from now on, promise...

Tutu Cute

I'm getting so super excited about little miss's upcoming 3rd birthday!! We're doing ONE party this year, finally, and I want it to be lots of fun and excitement for the girlie. I have no idea where it's going to be or what theme we're going to do...but we have the outfit picked out, so at least she'll look nice!! :)

We ordered this tutu off Etsy last night...the fuchsia and black 6" one. It's going to be so cute, I can't wait!! To go under it we ordered these little capri leggings from Walmart.com. Free shipping to the store, they cost me just over 4$!
I'm going to make something like this for H to wear in her hair, except I'll make it on a pony tail holder and use varying black and fuchsia ribbons, minus the korkers because they're a pain to make.

For shoes, we're going to get her a little pair of black and white low top Converse. We're going for a sort of funky, "little girl playing dress up" look...nothing too dressy, but still cute. :) Can't wait!!!

Any ideas for a shirt to go with this outfit??? That's the last piece of the puzzle, and we're completely clueless!!

Uncertainty

Well I'm giving D the option of marriage counseling. He's always said no to it in the past, so I can't see why now would be any different. But I'm so so tired of dealing with this. It's affecting me physically. I'm so stressed I'm getting sick every day now. I've tried not letting it bother me, but the past couple days have been bad. I just can't ignore the fact that it's still not working.

We have no money, and he knows this. Yet he continues to eat out every day for lunch, even though he just bought a nice new cooler to take his lunches in...he's too lazy to make his lunch before he goes to bed and won't get up early enough to make it in the mornings. So we're going to overdraw our account, because he's lazy. Which is nothing new. I've dealt with this every single semester he's been in school. So now he comes home last night and tells me we need to save up $375 for this golf trip to CA which the school can't pay all of the expenses for...I calmly told him to call his dad and ask him for the money because we haven't even paid our property taxes yet. He then proceeded to tell me that he sold a book that day for $45 so he's putting that towards the golf trip. Because I didn't want to fight, I didn't bring up the fact that he KNOWS we're going to overdraw our account, so shouldn't he give me the money for bills and whatnot...I just left it at that. But then today he calls and yells at me that he NEEDS knew windshield wipers. He can't see at all. I couldn't on the way to work this morning either...but he had to PULL OVER for Christ sakes! I told him to get wipers then. But I thought about it, and called him back, and told him to use the 45$ from his book sale for his wipers. And what does he say? "NO! That's for the trip!" Ok, so we're going to overdraw our account for some wipers and pay OD fees. How the hell does that make any sense!??!

Is this normal??? I really need to know...does everyone have to deal with crap like this, or is my husband really the huge idiot I think he is!??! I don't have money to buy groceries, but thank GOD he's got 45$ sitting in his wallet to put towards his golf trip...

Am I over reacting here? I'm starting to feel more and more inclined to get things set up for divorce...getting my credit cards paid off (if he'd ever quit blowing what little extra money we have), putting some money in savings to help with the bills when he's gone...because we all know there's no way in hell I'm getting child support from his sorry ass. How could I, without him having a steady job. Because I'm SO not counting on this whole stupid caddy position in Florida to really happen...and he wouldn't be making squat doing it anyway.

:( Today sucks...

It's been a while...

So...I don't really know where to begin. Things have been sort of crazy...like always I guess. And I haven't felt like writing for some reason. So, if anybody still reads this...here goes. I think I'll just use bullets.

~I'll start off with something that's really silly but that makes me happy...I figured out if I wash my hair at night, sleep on it all night, then put this special gel/cream on it in the morning, I can wear my hair curly with little to no frizz. It's awesome.

~I've gained about 15 lbs over the last 2 months, Lord knows why...and I feel disgusting and lumpy and my clothes are too tight. So I'm back to drinking only diet soda and *trying* not to snack all day or eat a snack before bed (perfect timing, seeing as how my mom just gave me a HUGE box of baklava, which I LOVE...SIGH)

~They threatened me at work finally. Told me if I was late one more day by even a minute they were firing me. I also was instructed to cut down on the dr. appointments (why I haven't been back to the neurologist to sort out my problems) and up my output at work. I've since gotten caught up at work (was behind from being gone almost a whole week sick) and I get here on time or early most days, but now my boss is acting weird towards me and I don't know if I'm just being paranoid or if I have a REASON to be paranoid.

~I finally had to sit down and just tell D that things aren't working. I explained to him that I just don't think he's capable of the kind of love and support that I need, and that it's not fair to both of us to stay together when the relationship just isn't going well. I basically told him I don't think it would be a bad idea for him to move to FL where his new job is going to be. (I'm not moving...) Maybe take a year to find himself, grow up a bit, then come back and see where we stand. I also told him if he does want to stay together we've both got to work at this REALLY hard because things HAVE to change. No more of the whole things are fine for a week or two and then he's back to normal, calling me names, treating me like crap. I FINALLY got to him, he FINALLY really understood what I was saying and it really affected him. Or so I thought. After about two weeks, like usual, we're back to fighting, him being worthless as a husband. So I don't know what to do. I can't afford to live without him. Without a steady job I would never get child support. I really do love him, but sometimes I hate him with a passion at the same time. He finally agreed that we'd always be friends if we do break up, which is something he used to adamantly refuse to...unless I cheat on him, of course. I'm really torn up about the whole thing, about not knowing what to do. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but it's really hard.

~My dad's in jail. I'm so upset about this. He's already talking about not being able to make it. He gets so down, and I know EXACTLY how he feels and how his brain works, because I'm the same way. I'm praying to God everyday to give him the strength to hold on and get through it. I hate it that when he's finally turned his life around and become such a good person, that he has to go to jail for something that happened almost a year ago. (I posted about it on here...)

~My friends have really rallied around me and I thank God every single day for them. My old friends and my newer ones. A group of us came together for no other reason than we all have kids (or were wanting them and trying to get pregnant) and we live in the same town...we're all from different walks of life, different professions, different interests, everything, but we've gotten very close and genuinely care about each other, despite our differences. I don't know what I did to deserve being included, but they did include me, and I am so so thankful! The fact that these are new people, that haven't known me for years and years, that actually like me and want to spend time with me, makes me feel awesome. They don't judge me for my quirks at all...actually they seem to like me for my uniqueness! If it wasn't for my awesome friends and family, I honestly don't know how I would have gotten this far through the mess that is my life lately.

~I'm still having problems being way tired all the time, waking up all the time at night, falling to sleep in less than a minute, hurting off and on, not remembering things...but I'm trying to work through it. If I'm tired, I try to rest. When I'm feeling good, I try to get out and have fun instead of doing housework non stop. I'm trying to make free time and spend it with family and friends that make me happy...even if it means leaving Dan home alone to be bored out of his mind once in a while. People remind me of things I've forgotten, which is super helpful.

~Going along with the last thing about sleep, is another HUGE development. Hailey is now sleeping in her own bed (she's been in our bed for months now) AND for the first time in her life she is putting herself to sleep at night. Which helps me GREATLY. No more laying in there for hours waiting for her to fall asleep. We read a book, say our goodnight saying, kisses, nightlight on, classical lullaby CD on, and I leave the room. She still gets up a couple times most nights, but she goes back to bed without a huge fight and usually falls to sleep within 30 minutes of me first putting her to bed. Last night she didn't get up at ALL!! Now I can put her to bed and go get in bed myself, or go finish a chore, or have time to get on the internet for a little bit...it's wonderful!! I really wish I'd done it sooner. If I ever have another baby, I will for sure try to train them to go to sleep on their own at MUCH sooner an age than I did with Hailey. I do miss snuggling with her at night and falling asleep with her little arm wrapped securely around my side...but it's so much healthier for all of us this way.

~I read all the Twilight books and have seen the movie four times. When it first came out I made D go with me because nobody else was free. The 2nd time I took my sister in law. The 3rd time I took my cousin. And the 4th time I took my mom. My mom shares my love of Twilight, which I think is totally awesome. I have also fallen in love with Rob Pattinson (not because he was Edward in the movie, just because he's him...) and I want an Edward for myself LOL I found a site on Etsy that actually sells scented lotions that are scented like the characters in the book are described as smelling. I absolutely LOVE the Edward lotion. It's become a joke with my family and friends now...my mom called me last night and asked me what I was doing and I told her I was rubbing some Edward all over my butt (my skin's been SO DRY lately!!) HAHA well we think it's funny anyway... In case anybody is interested, the shop is Essence of Twilight.

~I've gotten started back up making things to sell on Etsy...I'm doing more Valentine's Day stuff right now, but will soon be into more general things again. :)
Well I'm still clumsy as ever...I just spilled diet coke all over my desk...maybe that's a sign I need to get back to work ;) Hope everyone is doing well. I'll try to post again soon.

Comfort

It's dizzying how fast my thoughts/feelings seem to change. Sometimes I feel like my mind works on it's own and I'm just along for the ride, dealing with whatever comes along.

I'm wondering now how I could have felt like I dislike my husband, just a week ago. And now, as sudden as it came on, the feeling's gone. It was such a STRONG feeling. Thank God I know not to act on my decisions without thinking in depth about everything. Now, just a week later, I look at him and see somebody that I know I can't live without, no matter how frustrated I get at times. He's my best friend. He knows everything about me. He's the one person, besides my mom, that I feel 100% comfortable around. I can let down my guard and just be me. I love that comfort. And I love him for loving me, despite all my flaws.

Other guys literally make my stomach turn after a while...sometimes just a week, sometimes a couple months...but it ALWAYS happens. There comes a time when I look at them and just think EW. And I turn into a bitch, and they end up not liking me and never talking to me again. I just can't help it. I've been with D over 9 years now, and I am still able to look at him and think how much I love his shoulders, and his arms. And his voice. He's my D, and I don't think that'll ever change. I just need to grow up and realize that that all-consuming love generally just doesn't happen. And honestly, now I don't think I'd want it. We had a talk this weekend where I tried to tell D I felt like we were just really good friends. He disagreed...he told me that we were just well beyond our years, and acted like we'd been married for ages. At first I didn't see it, but after thinking about it for a few days, I see that he's right. I think I just had a momentary freak out, and now that I've dealt with it, we can move on. We do need to learn to respect each other and treat each other with love...that's for sure. But I really think things will get better from here on out. Now that I've realized I don't want anybody else.

what I know...

~My cell phone smells good. :)

~My husband is a freak about hunting, he's so serious about it...yet he answers his phone with a whisper when I call...?? He's weird.

~I know why I'm with D...he's the only guy I've ever been with that doesn't make me sick to my stomach after a while. I feel like such a bitch...but guys just get old REALLY quick. And they never get the hint.

~I'm freaking starving...cookies for breakfast, Starbuck's for lunch and chocolate for a snack is NOT a healthy, filling diet...

~My sister's actually coming home for Christmas, and I'm so excited I think I could explode.

~I'm in love with Robert Pattinson.

~I don't mind snow but I hate sleet that freezes on my windshield so I can't see where I'm going.

~Christmas is going to be awesome this year.

~I love my new haircut.

~My little brother is almost 14, and that makes me feel SUPER old.

Where to begin

Ok so I've been MIA forever. There has been a lot going on. Bullets seem like the most appropriate way to write this post, since I don't have time to go into a whole lot of detail right now. So, this is my always complicated life in a nutshell...as it is right now...

~I'm most likely not going to be staying with my husband. I had an epiphany about 2 weeks ago. I'm turning 26 soon and I don't want to waste the next 10 years of my life with somebody that hurts me left and right, like I have the last 10 years. I want more. I'm sorry. I want to be loved. That's not too much to ask. This is really difficult because while I feel this way now, I can't act on it now. Money and kids complicate things. I'm so confused right now. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. All I know is I want love. I'm sick of waiting. And I'm getting impatient. My family is being totally supportive of me. Thank God for my mom, stepmom and dad. Yes, I did just say thank God for my dad. He has been amazing through all this, giving me advice and guidance. He's being a father, and it's so nice. It's too bad he's about to go to jail. I just want to be friends with D. But I know that could never happen. :( It's all or nothing with him.

~I've been taking care of EVERYTHING around the house with no complaints towards D. I think I'm setting myself up for being a single mom. Why bitch at him a million times to take out the trash when I can just bag it up myself and do a better job?

~I've seen the Twilight movie twice. I'm a Twilight-aholic all of a sudden. I've read all the books, even the partial rough draft online of Midnight Sun on the Stephenie Meyers website. I wish I had an Edward to sweep me off my feet (minus the newborn's hunting me, I have had bad dreams about that...minus the good Edward part, WTF gives??!?!). Because of this movie I'm now in love with Robert Pattinson. I feel like a 13 year old girl again, being so crazy over a famous guy. I think it has something to do with finally finding myself again and not caring what D thinks. All I know is Robert Pattinson is not only hot, but seems to be a very interesting person. LOL I'm such a nerd I know.

~I finally got my hair cut after 1.5 years of letting it grow out. I just got a trim and a few layers, but it looks so much healthier, I freaking LOVE it! I did it on a whim Saturday night. Again, I think it's part of the whole finding myself deal. I've been taking better care of myself lately.

~Hailey's sleeping with us every night now. I've finally admitted to the world that I like having my daughter in bed with me. We go to bed together at night, she cuddles up to my back while I read by the light of my cell phone. It's just so peaceful. I love snuggling with her in the middle of the night. Now if only we could find some way to get D out of the bed...

~By some weird coincidence today I finally found an old friend I've been looking for for years. We'd had crushes on each other our Freshman year in highschool but lost touch when I started dating my then-boyfriend. I've tried to look him up for years with no luck. Then today, right when I'm feeling like I really need a friend to talk to, I got on Facebook and there in the updates I saw his name. Another friend had accepted a friend request from him. I couldn't believe it. So I sent a friend request to him and he IM'd me not 20 minutes later. We talked all day minus the lunch break. I sort of don't know what to think. I feel bad that I'm excited. And there's more to the story. He's engaged to a woman he hates because she cheated on him 6 months ago. If he had the guts or another woman he'd leave her. But he's such a good guy. Very sweet, caring. Always was even back then. He has a 2 year old little girl. But I feel stupid that I feel excited. He lives over 4 hours away. And has a kid. And I'm still married. I'm not being stupid here, we're just getting back in touch and it's been so long but the timing of it all is just so weird.

And now I've gotta go pick up Hailey. I feel like I have no time to blog anymore :(

Sorry Adam, apparently she's not a fan

One day last week on the way to the sitter's I happened to have the radio on in the car, which hardly ever happens...like ever, seriously. So I was super excited when The Thanksgiving Song by Adam Sandler came on. Love it..."I love to eat turkey, cause it's good...I love to eat turkey like a good boy should..." Yep, too funny. Anywho...much to my dismay, Hailey was NOT impressed. "Mommy, what's this?" with a look of either utter disgust or utter confusion on her face (I couldn't tell which it was)..."The Thanksgiving song!" I told her. She said "The ThanksGIVING song???" like that was THE stupedist thing she had EVER heard in her whole 3 years of life. "Yea, The Thanksgiving song! It's funny! He's singing about turkey!" I told her. Again, she says "The ThanksGIVING song??" "YES" I told her. Then as we were getting out of the car at the sitter's, Hailey asked me "Mommy, where's Darks Bentweys???" SIGH...Ok, I love Dierks. I really do. He sings good, he's hot, he sings great...but come on, she totally dissed Adam Sandler and a totally classic song! Oh well, at least she likes "Darks" LOL I can live with that.

Speaking of Darks, the other day Hailey was super happy when I put his CD in the player in the car. She exclaimed "Mommy, this is Darks Bentweys?? Grandma gave it back to us from her car???" It was so cute. She was so excited. And she tries to sing the sings, and dances in her car seat. How cute is she?? I think she's gotta be his youngest fan. Anybody know where to get her a TShirt? LOL

Update

So my MRI went ok...the meds they gave me to sedate me didn't kick in til after I got home. Lot of help they were! :) But I was able to hold still and concentrate so I didn't panic or freak out. They got the pictures they needed, and now I'm nervously awaiting the results. Of course, being the worrier I am, I'm worried I have a brain tumor or something since it's taking so long to get the results...but I'm staying positive. Just because I got most of the bad things from both sides of the family so far, doesn't mean I have to get the horrible ones too, right?? Well that's what I keep telling myself anyway.

I'm super excited about the craft show I'm participating in this weekend. It's not a huge one, just a few of us at my friend's house with our displays set up for a couple hours. We invited family, friends and friends of friends. I've made a few bow boards, a bunch of super cute matchbook style notepads, a bunch of gift tags (most in the more traditional style that you just tape on a package), sets that include a card and two coordinating gift tags...5 x 7 Christmas cards...WHEW! And I'm making even more! I'm designing and making some gift card holders tonight that my husband's grandma ordered, and if I like the design enough I may make some of those for the sale as well! We're really hoping it goes well. Anything I don't sell I'll be listing in my Etsy store!

I've started my Christmas shopping already. I have a list of things I want to get for Hailey in regular stores but I'm waiting for the after Thanksgiving sales in hopes I'll find a good bargain on at least some of them. After my awesome experience getting up at the butt crack of dawn to hit the Walmart Black Friday sales last year (leaving Hailey and D home asleep) I'm super excited for this year...even my mom is excited after my experience last year!!! I think we're going to go together and make it a fun little outing...I wonder if Starbuck's opens that early...hmmm. So anyway, back to gifts...the rest of the stuff I've purchased off of, where else, Etsy! I love knowing I'm supporting others just like myself, and the stuff is awesome! I'm having a lot of fun with the season this year. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's not stressing me out at all. I can't wait to decorate for Christmas (my husband is such a Scrooge, he won't let me put up the tree or anything yet...but I snuck out a new "JOY" decoration early and he hasn't noticed teehee!)

That's about all I have time for right now. Hope everyone's having a great week!

Photos by Kristybee - Feature

I have always loved photography...a dream of mine has always been to be a professional photographer. Taking pictures of things I find beautiful or interesting and having people appreciate my work enough to pay me for it...how great would that be?

I have a small list of favorite photographers. Some really famous, some not quite there yet. I recently came across a shop on Etsy, Photos by Kristybee, that I have fallen in love with and added to my list of favorites.

Kristy's photos are so amazingly beautiful, I wish I could buy every single one. I love how she uses natural light to show off and beautify such simple objects. Her photo composition is amazing...a peaceful, delicate flower against a bright blue sky, highlighted by the sun...just amazing. I could go on and on about Kristy's photos, but they really speak for themselves...

Tiny Green Apples

Some of my fondest memories are of cooking with my grandma over the years. I started helping my grandma cook when I was only three years old. We'd wake up bright and early to cook my grandpa breakfast before he went off to work. She'd pull a chair up to the stove and let me cook scrambled eggs in my very own mini cast iron skillet. Eventually she also taught me to bake, making pies and things of that sort. I learned how to peel carrots and apples and potatoes without cutting myself, and cracked and picked many many pecans over the years.

I want Hailey to have these special memories like I do. I may not be as skilled at cooking from scratch as my grandma was, but I can still make pie dough crackers and cookies and apple crisp to name a few. Actually learning the skills isn't necessarily what's important...it's making the memories and having fun cooking with family that really matters.

We've started this tradition slowly, and hopefully will have more time in the coming years. First we made pie dough crackers one week night. She had a blast, but cooking's a messy job...it was clear, Hailey needed an apron. While browsing Etsy one evening I came across Tiny Green Apples. They sell the most adorable personalized aprons, among other things. Hailey adores her apron...it's not just any apron, it's HER apron, because it's got HER name on it...she's sure to let us know :) These aprons are not only adorable, the quality is also amazing. They are heavy duty, yet comfortable. And generously sized too...Hailey will be able to use hers for years and years, but yet it fits her comfortably now. She wore her new apron when we made Halloween cookies and it was MESSY by the time we were done...but her clothes weren't! I just threw the apron in the washer and dryer, and voila! Good as new!

This mom and daughter apron set would be a perfect Christmas gift for a mother with a little girl...

I absolutely LOVE the Christmas tree style of aprons they have right now. How cute are they??

Have a little boy that likes to cook? These aprons aren't just for girls!

Tiny Green Apples sells more than just aprons. They have all sorts of personalized bags to choose from as well.

My personal fav is the cinch sack...

They also have a gift section that includes things like little dolls or these personalized towels which would make such a cute Christmas gift!
If you're in the market for personalized gifts for Christmas this year, definitely head on over and check out Tiny Green Apples today!

Weird Week

Well I went to see the neurologist Tuesday. I'm glad I didn't cancel the appointment. I go in for an MRI this evening. I have to be sedated because I'm claustrophobic. Totally not looking forward to it at all. I'm also worried because D has to pick Hailey up from daycare and he's not the most reliable person in the world. And he never picks her up or feeds her dinner or puts her to bed or anything. I just can't wait for this day to be over. Thank God tomorrow's Friday!

And the winner is...

The winner of the NeatNiks Bibs giveaway is...

Christina!! Congrats!

Here are your random numbers:

3

Timestamp: 2008-11-10 15:40:20 UTC

Movies, Crafting and Etsy, OH MY!

I'm finally getting some time to post because my adorable little 11 year old nephew, who Hailey absolutely ADORES has come over to play with her while I get some things done. Which includes blogging. Because I have had NO time for it lately!

So last night Hailey and I met my friend and her two girls at the movie theater to see the 2nd Madagascar movie. Hailey loves the first one. When I told her we were going to go see it she put the first one in to watch before we left the house LOL It was a good, funny movie and the girls did great. Hailey sat through the whole movie, eating her popcorn and drinking her lemonaid. She got really into the movie right away, asking me questions about the characters. It was so cute. After it was over everyone had to use the restroom. My friend was asking her youngest, her 3 year old, if she had to go peepee. She yelled "Mommy, stop asking me questions!" like she was SO embarrassed her mom was talking about going pee with all these people around. Then on the way out the person holding the door let it go so it slammed right into Hailey's head. I felt so bad for her! I was really concerned and kept asking her if she was okay. She kept walking away from me and finally replied "Mommy I'm OKAY, LEAVE ME ALONE!" like she was just so embarrassed about the whole situation and really wanted me to drop it. My friend and I looked at each other and I said "This is NOT supposed to be happening yet, they're only 2 and 3 years old...we've already become the embarrassing parents!!!" They grow up so fast! Despite this, it was a lot of fun and we will definitely do it again. I love that S and I, who have known each other since we were born, now have kids together and can do things like this together.

On the craft front, I've added matchbook style notepads to the selection in my shop. They're larger than the ones you normally find...3" x about 5". I keep one in my purse and it really comes in handy for little notes, shopping lists etc.!

I'm also super super excited to report that I'll be taking part in my very first Christmas Bazaar of sorts!! One of my friends makes and sells all sorts of things, hair bows, quilts etc. and we both thought it would be really fun to hold a little mini show at her house (thankfully not at my house!) a few weeks from now. We've already got the flyer made and we're inviting family, friends and friends of friends! I'm hoping it goes well...I'm not sure how much stock I should have to take, I have no idea how I'm going to display my items (any ideas??) and I'm not sure how many people are going to come, but I'm still super excited! (Okay and nervous, I'll admit it.) This means I really need to get cracking and get a bunch of stuff made! I'm going to try out some more traditional gift tags as well as the style I currently carry in my shop. The kind with adhesive on the back that you can just stick to a package instead of the tie on style. Hopefully they turn out like I want them to!

I've started using the money I've made from selling my crafts to buy a few Christmas presents...on Etsy of course :) I'd marked a shop I found in the forums the other day that had a great item for stocking stuffers. Imagine my surprise when I checked her shop this morning and she was having a sale! Awesome!! Kaya Papaya sells (among other items) recycled crayons at a great price. I've always loved crayons and coloring...my Mamaw got me started on that when I was a teeny tiny little girl. The idea of crayons melted down into shapes with different color combos is just so neat! I got this bear for Hailey, along with a couple other shapes/sets...

Hailey is going to LOVE getting these in her stocking this year!

Gotta go get myself dressed and feed the kiddos, and then get started crafting! Hope everyone's having a great weekend!!

Perfect Distraction

Catherine over at Evolving Mommy tagged me a few days ago...I'm supposed to share 7 random things about myself. I'm such an open book, I've actually found it hard to come up with 7 things that you all don't already know about me. But I think I've finally done it, so here goes...

1. When I get the slightest bit cold, my toes go numb. If I get REALLY cold, my feet go numb. I have no idea why.
2. My absolute favorite color is blue. I'm drawn to it. In stores I gravitate towards anything blue. It's just so calming and peaceful and pleasing to my eyes. I'm very happy to report that my daughter has fallen in my footsteps and loves blue as well :)
3. I love vintage Pyrex. The colors and patterns are just amazing. I don't own any, unfortunately, but I will one of these days!
4. When I have to park downtown (which I'm getting good at these days since my mom works down there now and I love meeting her for lunch...yay for parallel parking!) I generally forget that I need change for the parking meters. Luckily I've never gotten a ticket. On the rare occasion I do have change (I'm really trying to be more prepared) I use what I need in my meter and then as I'm walking to my destination I use the extra nickels or dimes that I have for other people's meters that have run out of time. Apparently this is illegal, (why???) but it makes me feel good so I do it anyway.
5. I can sew. As in, really sew. I've been sewing since I was teeny. My grandma used to have me help her cut fabric for quilts when I was 3 and 4 years old, and then I moved on to sewing by hand and then by machine when I was about 7 or 8. I would absolutely LOVE to have a nice sewing machine. And time. Oh the things I could make...
6. If I was rich I would totally have a personal chef. They do their own dishes too, right??
7. My favorite number is 7. Always has been. It's like the color blue. Looking at it just makes me happy. :)

Instead of tagging people like I normally do, I'm just going to pull one of those "If you wanna do it, do it, and leave me a comment telling me you did so I can check your answers" dealies. ;)

Etsy Featured Artist - Caramel Jubilee

It's no secret that I LOVE sweets. My love for all things chocolate and sugary really escalated when I became pregnant, and it didn't go away after Hailey was born! Something I don't think I've ever mentioned though is my love of caramel. Ever since I was a little girl I have loved the smooth, ooey gooey sweetness of all things caramel.

Because of this, when I was given the chance to feature an Etsy shop that makes...you guessed it...homemade caramels, I jumped at the chance. I have heard SO many good things about Caramel Jubilee, I don't have to personally try her products to know they're wonderful!

A few questions I had for Rachelle (the owner of the shop):

~How did you start making caramels? How long have you been making them?

I've been cooking since I was very young, but just recently became interested in caramel making. Last spring, I was looking for a recipe that would be a bit of a challenge for me and came across a caramel one that seemed to suit the bill. After trying many different recipes from a variety of sources, I invented my own that is definitely scrumptious. I received such positive reviews of it from family and friends that I decided to try selling them online and have quickly grown from there.

~How do you come up with your flavors?

I choose flavors that intrigue me and that I enjoy. I'm always on the lookout for new ones and am constantly experimenting. I came up with all of the flavors on my own, excepting pumpkin pie which was suggested by a loyal customer. I only do ones that can be made using real flavorings. I refuse to use any artifical flavoring--these have real pumpkin, pomegranate, spices, etc.

Don't these pictures just make your mouth water? I would absolutely LOVE to try the pomegranate caramels!

A bag of these would be the perfect gift for someone special...or to treat yourself, because you know you're worth it! Another incentive to try these caramels? Until November 15, Rachelle is offering all my loyal readers 20% off their order! All you have to do is mention the name of my blog in the "Notes to seller" portion of the checkout process!

YUM!

Whew!

What a weekend! Is it seriously almost over?? I am so not ready to go back to work tomorrow! (Mental note: WASH KHAKIS)

Hailey had an okay Halloween. She had a great time dressing up as Uniqua from Backyardigans at the sitter's. She even had her first pinata experience, whacking a big ol pumpkin! When I picked her up she wasn't Hailey anymore...she informed me her name was Uniqua LOL.

She really wanted to just stay home and watch Little Mermaid and Backyardigans but I convinced her to get into her kitty cat costume.

She did great all through dinner at McDonald's but it was all over when we got home and a giant ice cream cone trick or treated us (Ok it was a frozen custard cone...one of those mascot suits...from Culver's...this thing was HUGE). She trick or treated me, but she refused to go to any other houses. She didn't even want to go to my dad's (although we did, and she begged to go to Memaw's house the whole time, OOPS). We spent the rest of the night at my in-laws, talking and playing. I figured Hailey didn't need all that candy anyway...we'll try again next year. :)

Today we went to a craft fair where my mom got me a couple cute holiday things to decorate with.

Lots of cute stuff coming up in the SHOP!

And now, I've run out of things to say. I'm going to go eat some rasberry sherbet!