Ok so I've been MIA forever. There has been a lot going on. Bullets seem like the most appropriate way to write this post, since I don't have time to go into a whole lot of detail right now. So, this is my always complicated life in a nutshell...as it is right now...
~I'm most likely not going to be staying with my husband. I had an epiphany about 2 weeks ago. I'm turning 26 soon and I don't want to waste the next 10 years of my life with somebody that hurts me left and right, like I have the last 10 years. I want more. I'm sorry. I want to be loved. That's not too much to ask. This is really difficult because while I feel this way now, I can't act on it now. Money and kids complicate things. I'm so confused right now. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. All I know is I want love. I'm sick of waiting. And I'm getting impatient. My family is being totally supportive of me. Thank God for my mom, stepmom and dad. Yes, I did just say thank God for my dad. He has been amazing through all this, giving me advice and guidance. He's being a father, and it's so nice. It's too bad he's about to go to jail. I just want to be friends with D. But I know that could never happen. :( It's all or nothing with him.
~I've been taking care of EVERYTHING around the house with no complaints towards D. I think I'm setting myself up for being a single mom. Why bitch at him a million times to take out the trash when I can just bag it up myself and do a better job?
~I've seen the Twilight movie twice. I'm a Twilight-aholic all of a sudden. I've read all the books, even the partial rough draft online of Midnight Sun on the Stephenie Meyers website. I wish I had an Edward to sweep me off my feet (minus the newborn's hunting me, I have had bad dreams about that...minus the good Edward part, WTF gives??!?!). Because of this movie I'm now in love with Robert Pattinson. I feel like a 13 year old girl again, being so crazy over a famous guy. I think it has something to do with finally finding myself again and not caring what D thinks. All I know is Robert Pattinson is not only hot, but seems to be a very interesting person. LOL I'm such a nerd I know.
~I finally got my hair cut after 1.5 years of letting it grow out. I just got a trim and a few layers, but it looks so much healthier, I freaking LOVE it! I did it on a whim Saturday night. Again, I think it's part of the whole finding myself deal. I've been taking better care of myself lately.
~Hailey's sleeping with us every night now. I've finally admitted to the world that I like having my daughter in bed with me. We go to bed together at night, she cuddles up to my back while I read by the light of my cell phone. It's just so peaceful. I love snuggling with her in the middle of the night. Now if only we could find some way to get D out of the bed...
~By some weird coincidence today I finally found an old friend I've been looking for for years. We'd had crushes on each other our Freshman year in highschool but lost touch when I started dating my then-boyfriend. I've tried to look him up for years with no luck. Then today, right when I'm feeling like I really need a friend to talk to, I got on Facebook and there in the updates I saw his name. Another friend had accepted a friend request from him. I couldn't believe it. So I sent a friend request to him and he IM'd me not 20 minutes later. We talked all day minus the lunch break. I sort of don't know what to think. I feel bad that I'm excited. And there's more to the story. He's engaged to a woman he hates because she cheated on him 6 months ago. If he had the guts or another woman he'd leave her. But he's such a good guy. Very sweet, caring. Always was even back then. He has a 2 year old little girl. But I feel stupid that I feel excited. He lives over 4 hours away. And has a kid. And I'm still married. I'm not being stupid here, we're just getting back in touch and it's been so long but the timing of it all is just so weird.
And now I've gotta go pick up Hailey. I feel like I have no time to blog anymore :(
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3 comments:
I am sorry things are so rough right now! Thank goodness for your family's support. One word of caution- don't be pulled into another relationship right away. Sorry, I barely know you & I'm offering advice! But I think of it this way: if something good is coming, it's not going anywhere--give yourself and your little girl time to process/heal. I wish you strength!
Ok, I read this last night and wanted time to think on a good response...Here goes...First off...Good luck with your decision about D. I think that with what I have read on your blog over the past year and however long : ) that you and H will be better off. I am sorry that this is all happeneing and that we never find out things until we are so far into them. Life sucks that way! I am so thrilled that your family (esp your dad) is being supportive and helpful, family is great (sometimes) for these things. Onto...Twilight...I have not even read the first book! I keep reading all over blog land about how awesome and such...I am behind! Good for you about finding yourself...And too this might be a sign of your changing life...I know that when my mother passed away back in Oct, I needed something to change and that was the first thing to go..Of course I went from hair that was past my shoulders to the "stacked" hair cut! : ) It was def the change that I was looking for. This guy...I am glad that you have found a friend that you were searching for. But word of caution...I know that this will help with getting out of your relationship with D, it's most likely not something you want to get into at the moment (although I am not saying you will) I am just speaking from experience...If you want to know the experience just ask! I just don't want to put the business out there for everybody to read about....Plus I have already written a novel! : )
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