Uncertainty

Well I'm giving D the option of marriage counseling. He's always said no to it in the past, so I can't see why now would be any different. But I'm so so tired of dealing with this. It's affecting me physically. I'm so stressed I'm getting sick every day now. I've tried not letting it bother me, but the past couple days have been bad. I just can't ignore the fact that it's still not working.

We have no money, and he knows this. Yet he continues to eat out every day for lunch, even though he just bought a nice new cooler to take his lunches in...he's too lazy to make his lunch before he goes to bed and won't get up early enough to make it in the mornings. So we're going to overdraw our account, because he's lazy. Which is nothing new. I've dealt with this every single semester he's been in school. So now he comes home last night and tells me we need to save up $375 for this golf trip to CA which the school can't pay all of the expenses for...I calmly told him to call his dad and ask him for the money because we haven't even paid our property taxes yet. He then proceeded to tell me that he sold a book that day for $45 so he's putting that towards the golf trip. Because I didn't want to fight, I didn't bring up the fact that he KNOWS we're going to overdraw our account, so shouldn't he give me the money for bills and whatnot...I just left it at that. But then today he calls and yells at me that he NEEDS knew windshield wipers. He can't see at all. I couldn't on the way to work this morning either...but he had to PULL OVER for Christ sakes! I told him to get wipers then. But I thought about it, and called him back, and told him to use the 45$ from his book sale for his wipers. And what does he say? "NO! That's for the trip!" Ok, so we're going to overdraw our account for some wipers and pay OD fees. How the hell does that make any sense!??!

Is this normal??? I really need to know...does everyone have to deal with crap like this, or is my husband really the huge idiot I think he is!??! I don't have money to buy groceries, but thank GOD he's got 45$ sitting in his wallet to put towards his golf trip...

Am I over reacting here? I'm starting to feel more and more inclined to get things set up for divorce...getting my credit cards paid off (if he'd ever quit blowing what little extra money we have), putting some money in savings to help with the bills when he's gone...because we all know there's no way in hell I'm getting child support from his sorry ass. How could I, without him having a steady job. Because I'm SO not counting on this whole stupid caddy position in Florida to really happen...and he wouldn't be making squat doing it anyway.

:( Today sucks...

More randomness...I'm just full of it today!

I just talked to my sister. My dad might possibly be staying in my little brother's bedroom at my sister's house. Where my stepmom lives. I'm so tired of my family. They get a divorce and my dad moves my brother's crazy mother down here and says they're together then denies he ever said that and now supposedly they've saved up all this money and have their things packed and are hiding out upstairs at my dad's house just waiting to run out on him (my brother's brother's court date is today--for when he assaulted my sister). They blew up at my dad the other night and had my little brother really scared that my dad was going to get hurt. Apparently my brother's mother just came down here to get him, not to help my dad out. Shady, shady people. And crazy at that. So supposedly for his safety and because of my little brother's depressed breakdown about his family falling apart, my dad is maybe going to move into my sister's house. He says he still loves my stepmom, which DUH everybody knew but now SHE'S saying that they were together for so many years that surely there was a reason they were together. I just hate it. They never should have gotten divorced if they still thought they might want to be together. I'm ultra-upset almost to the verge of tears that my little sister is going to be thrown back into this all again. It's her own fault I know, I mean she didn't take my advice and get her own place, she let her mom move in with her. And now she's stuck in this lease with her mom. And I was so excited when they got their place because my dad is nothing but drama and it's been nice going over there to hang out with no worries that anything's going to happen. I just want my sister to get away from them so we can have a normal family but I'm starting to think that'll never happen.

So, switching gears again...on a more positive note, when I went home for lunch today I noticed that the cleaning fairy had been to my house this morning...not only did he unload/reload/run the dishwasher, but my microwave was also cleaned out and apparently both the kitchen and bathroom trashcans were emptied. I think somebody felt bad about last night :)

And I'll end this with another cute Hailey story...D was with her this morning until about 11:30. She was NOT happy when he was the one to get her up this morning. She cried begged for me and threw huge fits and even hit him for about 30 minutes. He tried time out, being sweet to her, everything and nothing worked. Finally she resorted to laying on the floor, depressed, refusing to even talk to him. He called me and my first instinct was to rush home and save the day. But luckily he was able to get her to talk to me on the phone. I asked her if she wanted a bagel and she brightened up right away. I told her to tell Daddy to go get her a bagel. She said "Daddy, go to the kitchen and get me a gagel." Then I told her to have fun with Daddy and show him her toys and play Wintendo (the Wii) with him. I told her I loved her so much and she said "I love you too" and then she was fine, back to her normal happy self. Thank God she's reached the age that I can talk to her over the phone and help when I can't actually be there in person. And who knew bagels were so uplifting to the spirits! LOL

D called me back about 5 minutes later and said "Do I have to do anything to this to get it ready to eat?" I might note that these are those new Bagelfulls from Kraft...Hailey loves them. Only way I can get her to eat the bagel and not just lick the cream cheese off the top! So I told him no, he just needed to peel the plastic down halfway and give it to her to eat, just like a candy bar. I told him NOT to take the plastic off because she would throw a huge fit and refuse to eat it. I also told him to give her a strawberry cream cheese one because the original ones are mine and I doubt she'd like it and then she wouldn't want a strawberry one if he offered that to her afterwards. He was so confused. "What do you mean strawberry or original, there isn't any cream cheese on this thing!" I told him to just look at the package and it says right on there. He said "I'm looking at these multigrain bagels on the counter!" OH JEEZ. I said "Honey, those aren't bagels, those are english muffins! The bagels are in the fridge in the box!" He said "No wonder when I showed her the package and asked her if she was sure she wanted a bagel she said 'Daddy that's not a gagel, that's bread!'" I could hear her in the background screaming "Somebody's outside mowing! Mowing the grass!" She was so excited, she loves to watch the mowers. I'm just glad he's trying to get things right and calling me for help. Really makes me feel better. Course when I showed up today at lunch she was running around in her blue puppy pjs, hair not combed, eating a pop tart with her pink fake crocs on. LOL Men...

Why does this crap always seem to happen to me?

I take a pill every night (Toprol XL) for some heart issues I have (PVC's and PAC's)...I currently take the generic, Metoprolol ER. It's an extended release beta-blocker. The generic doesn't work quite as well as the name brand Toprol XL...my dr. said some people can only take the name brand because of this. The generic has been fine for me except the fact that I can't miss a single day of it w/out my problems acting up. For the last week or so I've been having more problems than I have in a long time and I actually started wondering if maybe I needed to have my dosage upped. Then last night when I went to take my pill I figured out what was going on...

The generic Metoprolol made by a certain manufacturer is an oval shaped pill--this is the one I've been taking for months. Normally I just reach in the bottle and grab a pill with my finger without a second thought. For three nights in a row (at least) I actually thought to myself after I took my pill "Wait, did I just take a Zofran? Because that pill was round..." but the pill had just come out of my bottle of heart pills so I just brushed off the feeling. Then last night for some reason instead of reaching into the bottle, I dumped the pills in my hand to get one. And I was shocked to see that half of the pills weren't my heart pills at all. They were little round pills that I've never seen before. I got out my Zofran to see if by some weird coincidence they were Zofran and of course they weren't. I looked on the pill bottle to see if they were possibly just from a different manufacturer. One time I had them change manufacturers on me and not tell me except to label the new pill description on the bottle...but I've never had them do half and half like that. It said nothing about any new pills on the bottle or the patient handout. I called Walgreen's and the first guy listened to what happened and when he realized it wasn't just a different manufacturer he went and got the head pharmacist or whatever he's called. It took him over 20 minutes on the phone with me to realize what the pills were and what happened. By that time I was almost panicking, I was shaking, my teeth were even chattering I was so freaked out. Luckily he finally figured out that somebody had dumped a regular bottle of Metoprolol into the Metoprolol ER (extended release) bin. Thank God the pills were the same type of medication. The problem is my body/heart was getting a single dose of 25 mg all at once and then nothing the rest of the day instead of the extended release 25 mg over a period of 24 hours. The guy was very apologetic of course. He told me they'd refund me my $10 and replace my 30 day supply of pills. They also have to file a report with corporate headquarters or whatever and notify all their employees as well as notifying my dr. of what happened. The guy also told me "Don't throw the pills away--I'm not going to tell you to destroy evidence." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Do people sue for this sort of thing? I'm not sure what to do. I'm still really freaked out by the whole situation and it's made me not trust pharmacies anymore. I'm not doing this post as a bash on Walgreen's or anything. This was just my experience. And I'm definitely not getting my prescriptions filled there anymore. Part of the reason I say that is when I first got on the phone with the manager he was yawning really loud and apologized for it. I told him "It's okay, it's late" because it was after 11:30. I was trying to be nice because I was so nervous. He said something like "Well I've still got 8 hours left to go. Usually when I have these midnight shifts I try to take a little nap before I come in but I didn't get to this time." Greaaaaaaaat...just what you want to tell somebody that ended up getting the wrong medication from your pharmacy. That you're soooo tired and didn't get a nap before you came in. Maybe he was the one that made the mistake because he's sleep deprived! I've just lost confidence in people in general, it's just scary to think that these people (including drs. and hospital workers etc.) have our lives in their hands but they may be so sleep deprived they're having trouble thinking, working etc.

Anyway that's what happened to me last night...I couldn't sleep for a while afterwards either because I was so freaked out. I had to call my sister and talk to her to calm down. I didn't get to sleep til at least 2:00. At least being an Accounts Payable Bookeeper means nobody's life or health is in my hands... HAHA

Not again

This is a pretty negative post...I'll do a more positive one about the weekend later when I can add a couple pictures. Sorry, this is all I've got right now...Our weekend was too busy to enjoy, once again. I am starting to hate the holidays because D's family insists on spending way too much time with us and then we have to squeeze in time for us to see my mom and Hailey ends up being over tired...it's just not fun anymore. Saturday started off great. We got up, my mom came over and we went to the Easter egg hunt at the school my mom works at. They had the little kids one in this little fenced playground area. Hailey found eggs and had a really good time playing and she even got to see baby goats and huge rabbits. We went to eat lunch at her favorite place (Subway) and went home and it all went downhill from there. We were just about to get her down for a nap when she found ants on our living room floor...those little piss ants. I flipped out, I cannot STAND bugs in my house. They were gathered by the hundreds under some stacks of folded clean clothes I had on the living room floor!! I had to rewash all the clothes and I vacuumed the whole house, I was so disgusted. So of course Hailey didn't get a nap. I thought she'd sleep in the car on the way to my brother in law's for my nephew W's 3rd birthday party at 3:00 but she didn't fall asleep til the very end of their dirt road! By the end of the party she was having a melt down from not wanting to leave and then all of a sudden wanting to leave RIGHT THAT SECOND and I just lost it and yelled at her and put her in time out twice. I feel like I was so mean to her. But D's in Oklahoma, I'm doing this all myself right now and his family(as in his mom, grandma and grandpa) was STRESSING ME OUT BIGTIME at the party with comments they made (thanking God they didn't have to deal w/ Hailey during her tantrum, asking my sister in law what time would be good for her for Easter and once again planning the day around them and her kids' schedule(they get up at 5:30 in the freaking morning!) and not even caring that ours is COMPLETELY different(Hailey doesn't wake up til 9:30 or 10:00) and making sure we had enough time to do OUR stuff too...taking Hailey outside to play and then completely ignoring her when she would try to talk to or play with them because they were so focused on W(and I couldn't go outside because the cold wind was making my asthma act up)--things like that) so then we go to leave and their front porch steps don't have a railing...5 steps down to concrete...I told Hailey to hold my hand and she said "No I NOT hold your hand!" but I never thought she would really try to go down the steps, and I was tired so my judgement was clouded, so instead of making her take my hand I turned around to shut the door and as I was turning back I saw her falling and it was too late to catch her and she fell from the top step straight down to the bottom and landed w/ all her weight on her FACE. Then she fell to the side onto the ground and started screaming and crying. I threw my stuff down and scooped her up and my sister in law came out to see what happened, so I'm crying because of what happened to Hailey and then I'm thinking to myself GOD they think I"m a horrible parent already because I actually discipline my child, now they're REALLY going to think I'm horrible because W's never fallen down those stairs and now Hailey has. I made sure she was ok before putting her in the car and then she fell asleep so I was paranoid she'd given herself a concussion although I knew she was just exhausted from the day. I cried all the way home. As soon as I was within range of a cell tower I called my mom and asked her to come to my house. Hailey was okay, not a mark on her. I'm still shaken up by it and feel absolutely horrible. I feel like a horrible mother. D's grandpa called me and invited me out to dinner with them and I told them what happened (they weren't there when it happened) and I was crying into the phone and his grandpa LAUGHED and said "Oh she'll be fine. We'll see you tomorrow." GRRR

Yesterday morning started off great. Hailey did her egg hunt and had a good time. I made my salad to take to the inlaws (that my mother in law told me to bring even though she knows I don't like to bring food places) and got myself ready. It was already noon and my mother in law told me to be there by then so we could eat at lunchtime. I hurried to get Hailey in her outfit and hair fixed and she didn't want any of it. I tried to take pictures of her, I got a few that are halfway decent before she had a meltdown. I lost it because I was so stressed and frustrated at having to hurry my child at yet another holiday. I took off her dress and yelled at her that she was a bad girl and pitched this boxed game to the other side of her room on the floor that she'd wanted to play with and got up and told her she was in time out and walked out of her room and shut the door. GAH! I felt horrible! I was taking it out on her and I knew it and I feel HORRIBLE about it! I went back in there after a few minutes and asked if I could come in. She was so pitiful. She said "Yea." She was just sitting there holding the game. Talk about breaking my heart. :( I opened it for her and she told me "Thanks Mommy!" and brightened up and I told her I was sorry for throwing a fit and yelling at her and she said "I sorry too Mommy" and we agreed to have a good day from there on out. Well then come to find out, my sister and brother in law were 1.5 hours late getting there!! And she had the ham! Which takes 2 hours to cook! (They were supposed to get there at 11 because of the ham). So needless to say we hurried for nothing and didn't even get to eat til after 2:30!!!!!! And Hailey was so tired from no nap again that she was throwing a mini-fit at the table til my father in law (the only one I can stand!!) saw I was starting to panic a bit and hurried into the kitchen to help me. He took her and calmed her down and let her sit on his lap while she ate so I could eat but my mil's grandparents who are normally sweet people said ANOTHER comment that got to me about the kids acting up--they said "Isn't this SO MUCH FUN!?" ??? Was that necessary, when I was already so stressed??? They didn't play with her at all and then when I went to leave at like 4:30 they acted all sad "Oh you're leaving already??" and then didn't even try to hug Hailey bye... Thank God for D's dad showing SOME genuine interest in Hailey. Oh his grandma even made the comment to me "I was hoping she'd be in a pretty little dress..." after I'd JUST explained why she was in her comfy sweat suit--because of her stressful weekend and absolute refusal to wear the dress I thought she really needed to just be in nice comfy warm clothes!

My mom came over last night and Hailey woke up from a short nap and was so tired that at first she told me my mom wasn't there! Like she wanted her to leave! I felt so bad. My mom always gets her leftover grumpy time at holidays. But for some reason I can't grow some balls and stand up to my inlaws about holidays! Anything else, yea, but holidays I just have an issue with telling them we can't come...I guess I don't want anybody to be mad at us or upset and his mom always makes such a big deal over us being there for the holidays and then she plans nothing and it's all a mess! And they don't even pay attention much to Hailey except my father in law but my mother in law is so damn touchy and ridiculous, if we don't come she pitches a huge fit and acts like a teenager and like refuses to talk to us forever. I'm just upset w/ how the weekend went when I was so looking forward to it--and that's how each holiday is these days. It's really getting to me. I'm wishing we lived far away from his family so we had the excuse to just stay home on holidays. That would be so nice once in a while. To just leisurely wake up, make some breakfast, take time to open presents or Easter egg hunt or whatever the holiday calls for, and just enjoy being together. Not have to rush here and there, make sure we get to my inlaws in time to mesh with W's schedule, have D's grandparents make comments (happens every time) if the kids aren't acting like angels like the kids on the OTHER side of the family (like the boy who can recite the pledge of allegiance and is potty trained at 2.5 yrs. old--big DEAL come on!), keep Hailey up from her naps so she's cranky later etc. etc. I've told D, myself and my mom that this year for Christmas we're doing xmas eve at his parents house and xmas day at home and at my mom's. Last year was HORRIBLE, a disaster, we're not going through that again. Hailey had nothing to open while little W had millions of presents, she got her feelings very hurt, didn't get a nap, D and I fought because of tension w/ his family and again my mom got the tired cranky leftover time w/ Hailey by the time we got to her house. So, I've said this...but am I really going to have the guts to tell them we just can't do this at every holiday anymore? I want Hailey to enjoy holidays like I did as a kid. Our family split up the days and traded off holidays. You'd think my inlaws would be okay with this, but nope. They have to have us every single holiday, because in my mother in law's words "Christmas Eve isn't CHRISTMAS!"

I really didn't want to come into work this morning. My stomach issues started up again last night, making me really nauseous. I woke up this morning still feeling sick. I'm almost to the point where I don't care if we ever have a nice house, as long as we have some decent and I can stay home and raise the kids and not work or only work part time even...I just cannot deal with having to push my body to do so much much longer. I'm just getting worse and worse. I'm sure lack of rest and the added stress from my job are not helping.

My mom has Hailey today, they're on Spring Break from school. Hopefully they have a good day today. I get off 1/2 hr. early at least, thank God.

And that's the end of my rant...for now at least...

I was afraid of this...

When my friend asked me to be in her wedding in April I was very hesitant to say yes. The whole relationship had been really rocky, with them planning to have a baby and getting pregnant mere months after they'd met, then splitting up after the baby was born only to get back together again and seemingly fight all.the.time. What's more, this friend hadn't been in contact with me for quite a while so I was a little shocked that she even asked me. Finally I said yes and met up with her and her friends to look at bridesmaid's dresses. I wasn't like the rest of her friends at all...we had nothing in common and I actually couldn't see how my friend was friends with these people. I'll just leave it at that without going into further detail. Nevertheless I kept a smile on my face. Afterwards on the way home I called my mom, bawling...here my sister was about to get married and I couldn't afford to pay for a dress for her wedding OR my friend's wedding...not with the money problems we were having. I told my friend I just couldn't do it and that I was really sorry. Her and her husband agreed to buy my dress because they said they really wanted me in the wedding. Again, I heard nothing from her for a while. Then we got the student loans and paid off our debts and all was right with the world again. Finally out of nowhere my friend emails me telling me they need me to buy my dress and such and such place because I'm the last one to order. I email her back and forth a couple times and finally get up the nerve to ask about the finance issue. She said she's sorry that they're not going to be able to help me now. So she just assumed I had the money all of a sudden I guess? She had no idea about the student loans. I know how stressful weddings are. I know how bitchy a bride can get. So I just went with it...I had the money. I went and ordered the dress and paid my $150 (She has some expensive taste if you ask me) so the store could send off the order. A couple weeks or so ago I got an email from her...again, after not hearing for her for some period of time...informing me I needed to take such and such days off work because of spa days and rehearsals and also the details for the bachelorette party. I informed her that I couldn't take any time off work around that time because I had already scheduled off for Hailey's birthday which is the week after the wedding...and that I didn't have the money to go to a spa for a day. I told her I was really sorry but I also wasn't going to be able to attend the bachelorette party because I just don't party. I would go to dinner with them if they were doing that first, but then I was going home to my family. She was upset, but okay. Throughout all this, anytime I emailed her to ask her about her son (he's only 4 months older than Hailey--he just turned 2) or anything she wouldn't answer my email. Only if it was about the wedding. After asking her at least three times I finally got her to answer the question about what they did for her son's birthday. She said they didn't do a single thing because they couldn't afford it. (Which is a whole other issue...they can't afford anything like that--to even buy him a damn cake or some balloons--yet they are spending thousands on a wedding, have really nice vehicles and a huge flat screen TV mounted on the wall of their new house...AND she makes a shit load at her job because she's got a master's in her field!) ANYWAY...long story short. I hadn't heard from her since the emails about the spa day etc....until today. This afternoon I get an email saying this:

Hey, I need to let you know some bad news....T and I are not getting married. The wedding is off. I will have to call you sometime and talk to you.

I cannot begin to express how incredibly ticked off I am...not only because I'm now out $150(yes, the dress was non-refundable even though it hasn't even arrived from the warehouse yet!) but also I'm incredibly annoyed at her lack of respect for her friends. None of us have any money. It was a struggle for all of us to come up with the money to buy that dress (yes, even me with my student loan money...we're still living on an extremely tight budget since we're living off my income alone). Don't get me wrong. I do NOT want her to get married if they have problems. Marriage is not something to take lightly. If it was, I would have been divorced 10 times by now! But my husband and I stick together, work through tough times and come out better in the end. If they had big enough doubts, then they do not need to be getting married. My issue here is, they voiced their doubts a long time ago. In the very beginning phases of planning this wedding. Yes she still pushed us to buy these dressed and got very upset if we tried to back out at all.

I know I have to be a good friend. Instead of a "WTF?!?!" email like I'm sort of feeling...I emailed her back saying I'm so sorry sweetie, what happened, blah blah blah. I called the place we ordered the dresses from and informed them that the wedding was off because I was sure she hadn't since I'm sure she's pretty upset right now. I have no other details...I don't know if they're still together, the circumstances for calling off the wedding, nothing. The lady at the wedding store said "If the bride is a good person she'll make right with all of you on the dresses." I just told her unfortunately I didn't think that was going to happen but I didn't want to ask any questions right now under the circumstances, and I thanked her for her help and got off the phone. The sad thing is, I doubt I'll ever get a reply to my email...I doubt I'll ever get that phone call. I'm out my $150 and that's that.

Busy weekend!

We had a very busy weekend this weekend! Friday night was spent at my mom's. I cooked dinner, Hailey played...after dinner I relaxed on the couch and watched What Not to Wear.

Saturday we got up, cleaned ourselves up and straightened up the house a little bit and then went to lunch with my stepmom and little sister. That was so much fun! We haven't done that EVER. Seriously. I know this divorce has been really hard on all of us...we've gone through some really tough times since my step mom moved out with my grandma going insane and threatening everybody, my dad trying to kill himself, my sister being so stressed she's moving out etc. BUT...things are starting to finally come together. My stepmom is much happier, I can tell the difference in her just by looking at her! She's finally able to be her own person and do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. Going out to lunch, just us girls, was so nice...I hope we can have many more times like that in the future. After lunch we drove all around town trying to find a place for my little sister and stepmom to live. This town is over-run by college kids...finding a good rental in a quiet/nice area that doesn't cost an arm and a leg and isn't teeny tiny is really hard to find around here. We got lucky when we found our place! After that Hailey and I headed over to my dad's. My dad is also doing great, despite his mounting health problems. His liver isn't functioning as well as it should and the one kidney he has left is showing signs of failing...but he's in good spirits and trying to make the best out of things lately which is a huge change from just a month ago. My brother moved back here from another state a couple weeks ago (he's going to be 24 next month) and brought his little brother along with him (he's 20). They're living with my dad and it's really brightened my dad's spirits. Saturday evening we got to see my brother for the first time since Hailey was 5 months old. Hailey went right to him! She's really shy with people she's not around a whole lot and takes a while to warm up to people. She hates my husband's dad and freaks out when he even comes in the door. I have no idea why. She tolerates D's mom. She's always taken a while to warm up to my dad. But for some reason Saturday night she went right to my dad and sat on his lap and watched Spongebob for a while which made him incredibly happy. He went from seeming like he didn't feel good to getting up and cooking us all dinner and visiting with everybody like nothing was wrong. Hailey sat on my brother's lap for a long time and kept leaning over to steal looks at S, my brother's little brother. At our wedding my brother M was the only person that could get Hailey to settle down and go to sleep (she was only 3 months old). He stayed with us in the women's building while we got ready to take care of Hailey. It was so sweet. I don't know what it is...but she still loves him to pieces. He has two little boys of his own, ages 3 and 5 that his ex has full custody of...he is so good with little kids though. He was doting on her all night. My dad had a full house with me, Hailey, my 2 brothers, my brother's brother, my littlest brother's friend K (who's always around and is basically like another little brother), my little sister and my cousin. We all ate dinner and visited and had a great time.

Sunday started off with a little family turmoil but ended up okay. Hailey started off the day showing us how incredibly cute and funny she is. She went to put a bowl of dry cereal in the sink. I told D she was going to dump it all over the floor, I just knew it. Sure enough the bowl tipped backwards and the cereal scattered all over the kitchen floor. I wish I had what happened next on film. It was priceless. Hailey's jaw dropped as she looked down at the cereal and she said "OH MY GOD!!" I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. Did she really just say that? Then she said "OH MY GOD MOMMY!!" I hope I remember that moment forever. It was the most adorable thing ever. I got up and went in there. She said "Mommy I make a mess! Help me clean up??" and started frantically scooping up the cereal. I stood her up facing me and kissed her on the nose and told her she was the cutest thing ever and I loved her. I told her to put the cereal on the rug and we'd shake it off outside to feed the birds, which she thought was really neat. That started the morning off great. Then my inlaws called and invited us over for the Super Bowl. I told D we just couldn't go. It was too last minute. I'd kept Hailey out late both Fri. and Sat. night and said I was keeping her home Sunday. She wanted to be home! He told his parents we'd come and we fought about it a little. He told me that I had to call them and tell them we weren't coming and I refused...they are HIS parents, he needs to grow some balls and deal with them himself...I'm tired of being the bad guy!! I was so mad. He just didn't get why Hailey couldn't go...he doesn't understand how much sleep a toddler needs and how she was already so worn out from running around all weekend to see family. My family had made our plans the previous week. His parents can't do that. They ALWAYS call last minute and expect us to drop what we're doing and do what they want. It's always been like that. When Hailey had been home from the hospital a couple days even, and I was struggling with being a new mom and freaking out about breastfeeding right and crying and just having a really rough time, they'd call at 8:00 at night and say they were almost at our house to see Hailey...no warning, nothing. So instead of being able to get into a routine and try to deal with things, we had to sit there until 10:30 at night or whenever they'd decide it was time to go. Hailey would sleep the whole time they were there too, so by the time they left she'd wake up and I could've gotten 2 or 3 good hours of sleep...and they NEVER have understood why we tell them no. Just like on Hailey's first 4th of July when it was boiling hot outside and I could tell something wasn't right with her. She was gagging and throwing up a lot but they insisted she was fine and took her outside and passed her around from one sweaty person to another. I fumed inside until I finally went and grabbed her and said we were leaving. The next morning she went into the hospital for a few days with an extremely high fever and she was refusing to eat and had a bad rash etc. They just don't get it! Yesterday after much "discussion," a phonecall to my mom where I cried that I was ready for a divorce, D blowing up at my mom when she came over for something really small and stupid and then us all making amends...D decided he wanted to invite his friend and his girlfriend and their 3 week old little boy down instead. It's NOT that I didn't want to go to his parent's house. I would LOVE for them to invite us over sometime or call and ask to keep Hailey for a few hours or even a day...but they NEVER do this...they never call to watch her at ALL...and when they call for us to come over it's so last minute we've always made other plans already or it just doesn't fit into our schedule. I'm so sick of it! So anyway D called his dad without any prompting from me and told him we'd decided to keep Hailey home instead and were having A and his family over. His dad said "OK bye" and hung up on him. These people are so immature it's ridiculous. We didn't let it bother us. We hurried up and cleaned up the house, me working on the bathroom, D the kitchen and my mom helped pick up the living room so D could vacuum. I cleaned the kitchen floor. That is one thing I LOVE LOVE LOVE about having company...I get a clean house!!! My mom, Hailey and I ran by Walmart to load up on snacks. I even bought a 6 pack of beer and told myself I deserved one after the day I'd had...but of course since we just don't drink I ended up not having one and D only drank 2. We had a nice peaceful evening visiting with our friends, stuffing ourselves on wings, pizza rolls, cheese dip etc. and holding a baby and a toddler! Hailey loves A and had a lot of fun playing with him all evening. I didn't hold baby L a whole lot because I've been sick with a cold and although the only symptom I have left is a clogged right ear I just couldn't bear the thought of this itty bitty cute baby getting a cold. I pray to God there were no germs lurking about...they knew that we had been sick and still brought him though which I was quite surprised at. I think his mom is pretty relaxed since she's been taking care of her 2 nieces forever. Hailey was having so much fun I couldn't bear to make her go to sleep w/ them there so she didn't get to bed until 10:30 but she went right to sleep then. We had a great night and Hailey woke up in a great mood this morning. While I was drying my face I heard a little voice say "Mommy?" I opened the door and turned the corner and there she was, standing at her bedroom door with the light on. She said "I wake up!" Morning couldn't have gone better...great moods, got out of the house on time and I even got to work on time! Well, 1 minute late but come on. That's on time. What a great start to the week...hopefully it's a sign of the great week we're going to have!!!

I have another physical therapy appt. after work today and for the first time I didn't shave my legs. Last time I did and got bad razor burn so this time I just said screw it. My PT told me last time she doesn't shave in the winter so I don't need to worry about it! I still feel weird about going with hairy legs though...

Trust Issues

UGH...I just found D's ex out on MySpace. Evidently she finally made a page. It's private, so I can't see any details. I'm all paranoid now that he's going to find her and start talking to her again. I had seen her at Old Navy this past weekend and I hadn't seen her since God I think their graduation in 2000...she had moved out of town to go to college to become a lawyer. Well evidently she lives back here in town now. My friend asked me why I thought he might try to contact her if he did find her out there.....HELLO he was obsessed with her. They dated his Junior year of highschool and she cheated on him and broke up with him. They never slept together thank GOD. But he's been obsessed with this girl since grade school(which he swears he doesn't give a crap about her now). Anyway after she ended up breaking up with the guy she cheated on him with, she started calling D again and talking to him, their Senior year WHILE I WAS DATING HIM. And he would sneak off behind my back and go to the grocery store where she worked after school and on weekends and talk to her. Supposedly he would NEVER EVER cheat on me...but yea I've heard that before. I'm sorry but I don't fully trust him. Ever since I found him looking at porn a few times(once while I was pregnant, come ON make me feel like shit why don't you! and another time this past year on my birthday of all days, and then a couple months later he looked at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit pictures online and I could never compare to the girl he was looking at....I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before but I have a huge issue with porn and he knows he can't look at it and be with me...he's known that from the beginning...) and he lied each time and said he'd never do it again, and then DID IT AGAIN, I just don't trust him. And a month or so back we were getting in fights quite a bit and he'd yell at me that he has no privacy...ok he's had no privacy the whole 8 years we've been together, and now he wants privacy? It sounded fishy to me. I don't think he's done anything, but I still don't trust him. And now I find out she's back in town, and now she has a MySpace page that I know he'll probably find. At least I know his password for everything so I can snoop but man I didn't need that stress right now. My friend said "Well he married YOU"....yea that doesn't make me feel any better because I still kind of feel like he just did that because we were having a baby(which he swears isn't the case). Don't get me wrong we have a good relationship. But sometimes I just feel like things aren't quite right and maybe he didn't really want to get married. Like he wasn't quite ready for all this yet. Yea well I wasn't necessarily ready either, and it's all his fault we got pregnant, he's the one with the huge sex drive...not that I don't love my daughter but I wasn't necessarily ready for all these changes either. I hate not being able to trust anyone :o(

Drowning

Company 2 times during the work week = one very tired baby, laundry not done, sink full of dishes....and one tired momma. My niece drove me nuts last night. She drove H nuts...T got yelled at quite a few times by H because she wouldn't just get out of her face and leave her the hell alone. This morning I realized CRAP I forgot to wash my work pants so I had nothing to wear to work today. Right now I have 1 pair of pants to wear to work...that's IT. I have 2 new pair sitting in bags waiting to be hemmed because they're about 10 inches too long for me(being 5'2" sucks sometimes) but Lord knows when I'll get that done. The problem is that I'm smaller now than I was even before I got pregnant. I was a 4 then, and now I'm a 2. So I don't even have any pre-preg. clothes that fit except this 1 pair of khakis that is pretty damn stained and freyed at the bottom. And I cannot afford to go out and buy new work clothes. So I'm having to make due w/ what I have, which is obviously not much. I scrambled around this morning and ended up wearing the smaller of my 2 size 6 pants from when I first started back to work at 8 weeks post-partum. I'm wearing a belt so they don't fall down to my ankles. And yes they are bagging off my ass, but I couldn't call in of course and I couldn't come to work in stretch pants, so...I didn't really have an alternative. I hate being poor!! And on that note, I'll mention how I just called the hospital to have my husband's 800$ ER bill and my 500$ ER bill added to my daughter's 400$ ER bill...and now instead of paying 25$ a month(which we can't afford) I have to pay $45 a month(which we REALLY can't afford). Things just keep getting worse. Our tax money is going to last us maybe another 3 months if that. Then we're screwed. Does working at a vet clinic count as experience for Natural Resources/Wildlife Management??? Because that is the only way D will be able to work and get experience at the same time this summer I think...to work at my friend's vet clinic. Anyway like I said before, I'm so sick of being poor. It's just not fair. Things were great before we had H, we had money to buy groceries, go to the movies, buy new clothes if we needed it...we didn't have these big credit card balances looming over our heads either. But 600$ rent and 600$ a month in daycare, ok that's my whole paycheck. D gets 500$ a month from his grandparents since they don't have to pay for his college anymore because he is on a full scholarship for playing golf(his grandparents are those little old people that live in the same tiny house they always have but are so stinking rich it's rediculous)...and that basically covers a little bit of gas, his 200$ car pmt and utilities. WHERE am I supposed to come up w/ the rest of the money every month for cc pmts, cell phone, ins., food, etc.?? I can't get a 2nd job, that's not an option since D is gone all day and evening. I just don't know what to do, I feel like I'm drowning sometimes.

I do have feelings ya know

I love my mom to pieces, she's one of my best friends. And I love having her around all the time, we have so much fun together. But every now and then she'll make a comment that really hurts my feelings. Tonight as I'm sitting here on the couch folding a load of Miss H's laundry, eating applesauce and reading my email from D's friend Adam(can we say multi-tasking??) my mom is sitting in the recliner...I hand her the empty applesauce cup and ask her to put it in the bowl on the end table by the chair. And she says "It's a wonder you don't have bugs." WTF?!?! Ok my house is not dirty. A little bit unorganized and a tad messy, yes, but GAWD if you knew my husband and my hectic schedule you'd understand. But dirty, NO...and for the most part everything is picked up and in it's place. I mean jeez tonight when we got home H was asleep so I put her in our bed and I took out a bag of trash and a bunch of cardboard boxes to the dumpster, vacuumed out the utility room from where the litter box used to be and mopped my whole kitchen floor, moved my hampers into the laundry room area, emptied and rinsed the bottles from daycare today, put some random groceries away, opened the house up to air out in this wonderful weather, started a load of laundry, threw out some old food from the fridge...all within like 30 minutes. Ok I keep this place clean. I still haven't gotten to shampoo my living room floor, but I will get that done as soon as I have the time w/ somebody to watch H. But my point is, my mom KNOWS how much of a clean freak and perfectionist I am, and she knows how I sit and stress at work all day about the chores that need to be done here, she KNOWS I bust my ass and stay up really late getting stuff done around here...she knows how much I hate to have a messy/unclean house, I mean it stresses me out bad. And for her to make a comment like that, really really hurt my feelings. Yes one bowl that has dried hamburger helper juice in it from the night before is going to make me have bugs. ???? Seriously...that is rediculous. The only time I have ever had bugs, was the apt. before this we lived over this really nasty college guy w/ long greasy hair that I caught dealing drugs, he was just nasty, and we caught a few roaches coming up from his apartment which disgusted me to no end. I deep cleaned my whole kitchen both times I found one. And not to mention the cleanest people can have bugs...my stepmom is even more of a clean freak than I am, and my grandma is too...and they've both had ants a few times. I could go on and on...basically my feelings are very hurt and now I'm even more stressed that this place must be disgusting.

No sense

I have a million job duties at work. I've got a lot of crap to get done every day, and I can never get ahead. I've got 1 coworker(an old lady so close to retirement but not close enough as far as she's concerned) that sits at her desk 3/4 of the day doing nothing. Literally, nothing. Then there's the French lady, who I get coffee with every morning and sometimes lunch at McD's...she runs out of work fairly often also, and complains of being bored. Then my other cuby neighbor, she spaces her work out and surfs the net some of the day to make herself always look busy. Then there's the Chimp, as mentioned in previous post...who also never has anything to do. Her job was created by my boss because my boss is freaky anal about everything being done 2 wks ahead of time and she wants things quadruple checked before they get the "all clear." We didn't need the extra person, as she always complains of having nothing to do. Which means she frequently wanders around being nosy, coming over to stand behind me and see what I'm doing on the computer(I don't fully trust her) and bug me for work to do. This morning I let her key my JE's. After all I have a million things to get done. Do I need the help? NO....but she needs work, so by all means take mine, I don't give a crap. Actually she is working on a "special project" for my boss. Which means crap to fill up time so it looks like she has something to do so the big boss won't think hiring for that position was a mistake. SO...this all brings me to my gripe about my job and this dept. and how it's run. My job is by far the busiest position...I have lots of daily, weekly and monthly duties that have to be done. I get them done. But yet I get horrible reviews every year because supposedly I don't get things done on time and am constantly needing help. I have explained to my boss that people taking my work because they have nothing to do does not define "needing help" but apparently I'm just a shitty worker and don't know anything. I am told I need to get to where I have free time like everybody else. WHY??? Why in the world should it be our goal to be bored out of our minds with nothing to do? Their answer to that is to study...for stupid designation tests that I have absolutely NO desire to take. I could care less if I take any INS courses or get my CPCU designation. I am not striving to succeed in the insurance industry here. I'm striving to be the best possible worker I can be at MY POSITION, which for now pays my bills, and then when I have the option I am going to move on. And why, if everybody else is constantly having nothing to do, don't they even out the workload a bit? Give the JE's to Chimp and the Deposits to Old Lady. Oh but then I won't have anything to do, and GOD forbid I ever run out of work! It's ok for the rest of them, but for me, no! It doesn't make any sense. I get sick and tired of running aroung this place like a chicken w/ my head cut off, trying to do a million things at once and do them all right, and here 3/4 of my coworkers are all wandering around complaining that they have nothing to do. And I GET PAID THE LEAST OF ALL OF THEM!!!!!!! How is this all fair?

I HATE NEEDLES

We had our Wellness screening here at work this morning. I fasted for 12 hrs before my 9:15 appt. (well not really, I ate a brownie at 10:15 last night, I forgot) and then had a 9:15 appointment to have my blood drawn. I freaking hate having my blood drawn. First of all I hate needles, and I hate the thought of a needle poking in your skin, in your vein and making you bleed...talk about anxiety, all freaking night I was worried about this. The last time I had my blood drawn was in the ER back in January and it was HORRIBLE. The lady was a manly biatch first of all, and she went right through my vein making blood spurt all over the floor like something out of a horror flick...it had dripped all over the bed, I mean it was everywhere. The dr. came in later and was like whoa what happened I thought you were just sick??!?!! So you can imagine I was a little worried about this morning. And which one of the 5 phlebotomist people do I get???!?!!! The old lady w/ really shaky hands that just poked a girl 5 times between both arms and couldn't get a single drop of blood. I warned her this does not go well for me, either they can't find a vein or it keeps rolling on them or they poke right through it. And then she "loses" my 8x10 piece of paper w/ my info on it. It's right in front of her face on the table. And what does she tell me? "I'm blind in one eye!" I shit you not. WOW I have awesome luck!! So she took my bp, something like 104 over 60 something, ok I have no idea what that means. Then she weighs me, yay 111, which means I just haven't gained my 2 lbs of food for the day yet. Then the needle prodding time comes. And lo and behold she pokes me, gets 2 vials of blood, says I have "excellent veins!" and that's that. Then I went and loaded up on the healthy breakfast they'd prepared for us...fresh fruit, muffins(the one w/ golden raisins was SO good!), yogurt and OJ. So it didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would.

We got this new Quickbooks online subscription here at work and I HATE it. I don't recommend it. We had Quicken software before, and it worked just fine. But apparently it was so old they couldn't update it or something and they chose Quickbooks because it's online? I have no idea. But it's already causing me problems and I've only used it 2 days. I hate it. Of course I hate change, but seriously this program sucks. It moved a huge 6 figure transaction I entered into one company into another company this morning FOR NO REASON which made this tiny company look hugely overdrawn and of course my boss's boss was like "this can't be right blah blah blah" and he already doesn't like me as it is. I tried to tell him it's nothing I did but like he cares. Today is one of those days where I'm ready to run the hell out of here and never look back. I'm having EFT issues also so I need to go sort out that mess. My job is so not fun.

I have a skinny baby. She's lost so much weight being sick. She's so light when I pick her up, and her little pants aren't tight on her belly anymore. Seriously you can really tell how much she's lost, at least a lb. and that's a lot on such a short little booger like her. She's eating better though, and she's finally peeing more normally so that's good. Slept all night again last night too. So I think she's over it...hopefully!

I am not looking forward to lunch today, I didn't have anything good to bring. A beef cup of noodles, BLEGH. I cannot go out to eat everyday, as much as I want to, I just can't...we don't have that kind of money. But I really want McDonalds. :o( Oh yea I didn't get to clean my floors last night...right as I got home and was waiting for my mom to pick Miss H up, my dad called and got all pissy w/ me when I told him what we were doing. "You're MOM is taking her to HER house???? Well fine then." Apparently he thought from our conversation Sunday night that they were coming over to see H last night. I don't remember ever making those plans, but no problem. I told him that's fine(because I'm such a great daughter) that I could always shampoo the carpet Tuesday night instead since they have Bible study Tuesdays. So they came over(my dad, stepmom and little brother) and H refused to go inside(nature baby) she wanted to walk in the grass and check out all the trees and touch the fire hydrant etc. So we put her in the stroller and went on a long walk. My dad pushed her. It was so cute to see my dad pushing a baby stroller...you'd have to know him...he's this rough tough biker guy, he's had major problems being arrested and crap, he's just not a nice gentle lovey dad like you always hear about. He loved it, he had so much fun. They brought her her first Cabbage Patch Newborn, it's really cute and has that nice Cabbage Patch doll smell. She likes to feed it it's bottle. My dad cooked me some hamburger helper before they left. We had the windows open in the house, the weather was awesome! It was a really good night.

Ok I am really missing my husband...I was ok, and then last night I kinda started missing him a little more and then this morning I'm just a mess. I want him to come home. I talk to him on the phone at night and hear how tired he sounds, and he's not doing well at this tournament so that makes it hard for him to have any fun...I just want him home. Luckily he doesn't have another tournament for a couple weeks so we'll get to spend some time together. I just wanna give him a big ol hug. I hate it when he's gone. :o(

Ok gotta tackle this EFT problem now, FUN FUN...

H slept all night last night, til sometime after 10 this morning. She didn't want to be inside again today, would throw a fit if I brought her inside. She insisted on even eating breakfast on the back patio. I called my grandma to se if we could go up and visit her for a while. H had a total meltdown in the car. I love her to death, but I have such a short fuse lately...I think it's all this stress. From her being sick and now that she's better she won't hardly drink or eat ANYTHING so she hasn't been peeing and she's lost a lot of weight...and then D's gone til Friday...I don't want to go back to work tomorrow...my house smells like poop and trash and there's still vomit on my floor covered w/ towels because I can't clean at ALL w/ H around lately...I have almost no clean dishes...oh and I checked the mail this morning after not checking it for like a week and our freaking bank statement sucks, so that got me depressed about finances...all that added up and I just did not have a good day. H had her meltdown in the car, it takes about 25 minutes to get to my grandma's house from here and by the time we had gotten to the edge of our town she was screaming and crying like she was dying...THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH HER. She just didn't want to be in her car seat. I had to pull over and get her out...she immediately calmed down and wanted down on the road! I put her back in her seat...back to her meltdown. She didn't stop this til we were almost there! Had a good time at my grandparents', she loves their puppies and we went on a walk. She didn't pee all day. My grandma bought her some pedialyte popcicles, since we can't find them here but they have them in their small town. SIGH...hopefully getting back into our normal routine this week w/ her going to the sitters will help her get back to normal. I am just really worried how she's not drinking much at all.

My computer is going crazy on me lately, I don't know what's up...the webpage freezes up every time I try to do something, and I have to close the browser and go back to the page again. It's driving me nuts!! Might be this wireless internet I'm using, it's sucked lately, kicking me off for no reason. Hopefully D's dad can get our internet set up as wireless soon...he works for the phone company so he does that kind of crap.

It's Monday tomorrow BLAH

Wish me luck

H is asleep in her crib!! After 1 night of sleeping on the floor w/ her in the living room(so cold & very hard floor) and 1 night of sleeping on the couch w/ her mostly on top of me (very narrow couch too and not soft either) I am so so so ready to crawl in my bed tonight. PLEASE GOD let her get some sleep tonight, PLEASE GOD let her sleep all night in her crib. I know I'm asking a lot for the first night in her crib after being sick, and I fully expect her to wake up a million times crying and me not getting any sleep again tonight...but again, I ask PLEASE GOD let this not be the case. I know she could do w/ a good nights sleep, I think it would really help her feel better. It was hard to get her to sleep tonight though, she only drank about 3 oz. of her bottle and then pushed it away and jammed her pacifier in her mouth. The in-laws were here...they'd come over while hubby was at work to play with H while I sat on my butt and got some rest and also did some of D's laundry for his tournament this week. They even brought me Taco Bell. They are so sweet and helpful. My FIL had knee replacement surgery a few weeks ago, he's doing really well, just walking w/ a cane. I could tell it was eating him up not to be able to get down on the floor and crawl around w/ H like he would have before. I hope he heals quickly, then he can get back to being H's favorite...it kills him to watch grandma getting all the attention LOL he's such a good Papa. Anyway D wanted to show them the Wii since he forgot the sensor bar when he took it to their house last time to show them...so they played the Wii while I rocked Miss H to sleep...and they were LOUD. I love my husband dearly. He is my best friend. We're as close as 2 people can get, there's nothing we won't do or say in front of each other, we're WAY too close I'll just say that. We've been together and in love for going on 8 years now, and in July we will have been married a year. With ALL THAT said...there are things about him that irritate the CRAP out of me. Like, for one, how he is H's father but has absolutely no sense in him to BE QUIET while I'm trying to get her to sleep! And I'm not talking like walking around the house, getting food in the kitchen, that sort of thing...we raised her to sleep through a pretty good amount of noise. I mean like some nights his golf buddies will call past 10:00 (which I later get onto them for, don't they have any sense, we have a kid!) and he'll talk all loud on the phone because he is like physically in-capable of talking quietly for some reason...the man cannot wisper, or even talk quietly (he is not physically in-capable, he is just so used to talking loud it's just not something he can really control). So tonight they are all in here hooting and hollering and clapping and laughing up a storm...our place is not that big, it's only 1200 sqft. And you can hear quite a bit through these doors. And H could hear everything going on. Now, if my husband were a "perfect" husband, he would have said "oh we need to keep it down, H is trying to get to sleep"....uh, no, that's not him. That went on til the in-laws left. H never did settle down in my lap. I tried once to lay her in her crib, didn't work. Finally I laid her in her crib again, she stuck her butt in the air, then sat up and looked at me. I told her quietly to lay back down...suprise, she did...butt up in air...she pushed up and looked at me...I told her I'm still here, and she turned over, butt up in air, and went to sleep! So now it's 11:11 at night and I'm finishing D's laundry while he's packing(which means he's actually tearing the house apart looking for crap he should have been looking for weeks ago) which brings me to another one of my pet peeves...when he can't find something of his, like right now he can't find his long sleeved dark blue Adidas mock turtlenecks, he bugs the crap out of me asking me where they are. He asks me over and over where's this, where's that, I can't find this. I DON'T KNOW. Now he's flashing me his package and giving me "the look"...oh jeez. Anyway I don't know where any of his crap is. I don't know where any of my crap is. The only clothes that generally get put away in this house are Miss H's. Her stuff is completely organized. Our stuff, I just fold and stack wherever...the chair in the living room we never sit in, on top of the dryer, on the bar in the kitchen, in multiple laundry baskets in the bedroom. I never have time to put our clothes away. I usually separate out his clothes and mine, and sometimes I make him put his away while I put mine away...so I never have a clue where his crap is. And he's the most unorganized person I know, which doesn't help...he just comes in the house, throws crap anywhere and leaves it. But it makes me feel bad for hounding my mom when I lived with her. If I couldn't find something it MUST have been her fault and she should be able to find it. He does this exact same thing to me. I swear it's like I have another kid. Luckily he doesn't get pissed at me like I did at my mom. He just wanders around amelessly looking nowhere practical, occasionally grabbing my boob or flashing me his package, then wandering off again. Sigh...God I love him LOL

FIL also brought us some goodies today...milk, which we were out of...Mt. Dew, which we cannot afford...Jello for Miss H which it turns out she doesn't like so far...Edy's popcicles w/ Splenda for Miss H, which I also love but turns out she adores also. Chewy chocolate chip cookies (one of the expensive name brands, yum) and ANIMAL CRACKERS...crackers are supposed to be for Miss H. Generally I don't let her eat crap like that seeing as how she's not even 1 yet and I just feel so bad putting crap like that in her body...but I did let her eat 1, right now I'm at the point where anything she will eat is good because she's still not wanting to eat much...anyway I'm loving these things. How did I forget they existed? I guess it's because I don't buy snack foods unless it's popcicles. We just don't have the money right now with D being in school/golf. And now I'm remembering those circus cookies, w/ the pink icing and sprinkles...I need some of those too. Oh and I am so bad. Ok I'm really not, I'm a good person, I really am...but...FIL asked what we needed...I told D to tell him milk and bananas. And then I remembered. THEY are the wonderful people that brought us BOUNTY paper towels!(See earlier post) "D!!!! Tell him we need paper towels, PLEASE tell him we need paper towels!!!!" Of course he wouldn't...we have 1 and a half rolls of the cheap Walmart ones left. And later today after my FIL had left and I'd put away our goodies, I washed my hands and dried them on a thin crusty paper towel, and suddenly felt very sad that it wasn't a nice soft fluffy Bounty. God I'm a nerd.

Took Miss H to Walmart today to get her out of the house after her dr. appt because she politely let me know she was NOT ready to go back home yet(she hates being cooped up in the house for too long, esp. when she's on the mend from being sick). Spent another 60$. That place is a freaking money pit. I planned on buying my cheap ass paper towels, sherbet for Miss H(dr. said it counts as a fluid) some cherry pedialyte and that's it. Ended up getting her a little outfit on sale, a really cute sun dress for this summer for 7$, and broke down and bought her a new humidifier for her room because her old one not only puts out steam hot enough to blister your skin, so not safe for a kid's room, but it's also about to go caput. How did I spend 60$?? Jeez.

So tomorrow I have a feeling we're going to have more company than I really care to have. I never mind my mom coming over, actually I absolutely love when she comes over, she's one of my best friends...anyway she doesn't get off work til 2...but my dad and stepmom also want to come over to see the Squirt for a little bit. Ok that's fine. But MIL also offered to come over and help out tomorrow. She's loving playing with a little girl finally(she had 2 boys and a grandson so far). I feel like we never have down time, every weekend we're trying to accomodate one side of the family or the other, and EVERYBODY'S jealous of my mom because she sees Miss H WAY more than them. Not that I don't love spending time with family, but it consumes our whole weekend a lot of the time. Oh well, with D being gone so much now I'm going to probably wear out my welcome w/ the fam. because H and I get so bored here by ourselves. Anyway hopefully tomorrow isn't a horribly busy day...it'll do Miss H some good to play with other people, but at the same time I want her to have time to recover from being sick. I wonder what the weather's supposed to be like, she would LOVE to go on a walk.

More I want to write but hubby is sexually harrassing me so I better go. He is about to leave for a week after all. :o(

What a crappy week...but I guess it could be worse

Well I thought Miss H was doing better yesterday evening, then her temp spiked again and she got really fussy and threw up Tylenol, Ibuprofin, Pedialyte, everything again all night...I slept on the living room floor w/ her on a pallet and we both pretty much got no sleep, maybe like 2 hrs TOPS off and on if that even. Sleeping on the floor KILLS my back too, so that really sucked...plus I was getting the bubble guts also, luckily no bathroom runs just feeling icky. Had to call the cops on the damn dog in the house across the street...rotweiler, which isn't an issue except yea I'm scared of big dogs for 1 and 2 their bark is so loud and deep you can hear it through our whole house no joke. It was out there forever, like more than 5 hrs...this is no food, no water, just on a chain in the front yard barking at people because it's bored out of it's mind and wants to go inside. Finally at 12:30 am I called the police dispatch and they sent a couple cop cars and had them take it inside. I mean I know it's not that bad out but come on, don't have a dog if you're going to treat it like crap like that. Then some weird cat came howling at our back patio door, sounded like it was talking swear to God it was freaking creepy. Luckily Zoe came to the rescue and ran it off(my guard kitty) and then she slept on the couch all night keeping watch over us. So today Miss H was pretty pitiful. Crying, no more puking but she still has bad diarea, still has a fever...did get her to eat a bit off an on today...some of her organic apple sauce that she LOVES(just apples, water and Vit. C, very healthy) half of a banana, which is something else she loves. Some sweet potato puffs(which I think I have finally solved the mystery of the raisin looking things in her poop...must be the poofs oddly enough) a couple saltines this morning, some pedialyte off and on although not as much as yesterday afternoon and this late afternoon/evening we finally got her to drink about 9 oz. of watered down formula. She's still awfully cranky and pitiful, still hot and pantsless(and sockless if she has her way). She ate some chicken broth w/ white rice for dinner. Now she's napping again thank God, she was so cranky I didn't know what to do for her. My mom took off work this afternoon to come over and help...I was maybe going to go to work but not after the night/morning we had, no way. I ate the salad and turkey sandwich she brought me from Panera while she stood on the back patio w/ Miss H(she had crawled out the door herself earlier when I let the cat out on her leash, guess she wanted some fresh air...don't blame her)...then while my mom ate I pushed her around the house in her stroller while she babbled and looked generally pissed off although she was having a great time. My mom then took her on a walk while I tried to lay down and take a nap. TRIED, is the important word there. I am so tired. But I feel so crappy and I'm so overly tired and I'm so worried about Miss H, I just laid there, me and my freezing cold feet...and I can't sleep w/ cold feet either. But I was too tired to even get up and put socks on. So I laid there for about an hour, heard my mom come back with Miss H after not even a 10 minute walk...no crying, she must be asleep(yea she was). I FINALLY drift off to sleep after making my butt get out of bed for socks. Somebody from the school calls my phone...I don't answer(should have, turns out they were probably calling for an interview since I did just turn in my app. and resume the day before, DAMN) I fell back asleep and then not 30 minutes later Miss H is screeching and crying so loud. I waited about 2 minutes, because I know my mom is perfectly capable of handling her and I need my rest...but I couldn't stand it so I went to see what was wrong...just a diaper change. Jeez, all that fuss for a darn diaper change. So not much of a nap. I did take the opportunity to get my kitchen cleaned up though. Something in my sink was stinking, like a musty cloth or something(never did find out what it was but the smell is gone now?? I hadn't been able to pick it up in a couple days because of Miss H being sick) so anyway that felt good to get that all clean and organized. Looks great. Got the litter box scooped and the carpet in the master bath vacuumed, free of litter now. Then (sigh) mom had to leave for 2nd job at 5:30. I love my daughter, I baby her to pieces esp. when she's sick, but I'm getting tired so now when I hear the squirt of her pooping I think "oh man ANOTHER diaper"...I dread the screaming and fighting, I dread having to go wash my hands AGAIN...and she's crying, and I can't entertain her because not even she knows what she wants. D came home for dinner, I made breaded fish things and some kind of noodles...BLEGH but he liked it. He told me I'm the greatest wife ever. I told him I wish he'd help me out more LOL Anyway she finally fell asleep, and now I'm sitting here wishing I could go to sleep too...but I know she'll wake up soon, and D will be home from work soon too. I'm so out of it, from being so tired and just everything. I hope so bad that she gets some sleep tonight, for her sake and for mine.
In other news, this group, what are they called, NSM or something...National Socialist Movement...heck I don't remember exactly...some neo-nazi group...is coming here for a march Saturday from noon to 5 all around campus. WHY....this is stupid, WHY do they do this, seriously what's the freaking point??? To reek havoc in communites across the US??? Because they showed footage of what happened at the last one in some other state and it was a freaking riot. The city is taking action to try and make sure that doesn't happen here, and they're encouraging everybody to completely stay away from that area Saturday. But this NSM group or whatever they're called, they even put plain clothed members in the crowd to get the crown revved up a bit and creat havok...I don't see how on earth this can go on, how can people just let this happen when we KNOW they're coming? What, free speech or something?? This is just stupid. It scares me, nothing like this has happened here that I know of. And it makes me very angry, that we have to avoid a big part of our city to avoid this whole mess for most of a day. It's all really weird, and yea it's scary.
D leaves this Saturday for his first tournament of the semester. So not looking forward to that. He'll be gone until the next Friday morning!! I hate it when he's gone that long, and it makes it worse that I just CAN'T stay here by myself overnight(I'm ultra paranoid) and also he hates talking on the phone so we never have good convos while he's gone and even get in fights sometimes about the fact that he doesn't seem to want to talk to me while he's gone...which isn't true, he's just so tired by the time coach gives him a chance to call and well he hates talking on the phone regardless of who it's with. :o( I can't wait til the season's over, I miss him so much while he's gone.
Well I guess I'm missing work again tomorrow...I'm going to have at least 2 days of no pay on my next check, and they HATE no pay, it's like a sin. So hopefully I don't get in trouble. I'm ready to walk out of that place as it is, if they get onto me for this I really think I might just say screw you I'm outta here. The only issue is insurance til I find another job. Oh I hate being the one supporting us, that is the man's job!! I cannot wait until he's out of school.

Ok, so there's a bunch of negativity for you. Here are some positives, so I end this on a good note...
~Got my kitchen clean and organized somewhat, yay for me!
~Feeling a bit like supermom/superwife at the moment because through this whole sickness I haven't lost my cool, I've kept up with the pukey laundry, got her bed remade, I've had a shower myself(YES!), babes clean, hubby's happy, I'm not having a breakdown LOL...not too shabby if I do say so myself
~Miss H is still giving me kisses, as crappy as she feels she still shows momma some love...she makes a cute little lip smacking sound, then gives me a big open mouth kiss...how sweet
~The weather was awesome today and it felt so nice to get out and get some fresh air walking around the drive w/ H...made being tired and feeling cruddy not quite so bad there for a bit
~Dog has not been out barking tonight, yay!
~H is keeping formula down!

Well I guess that's about it for now...

Freaky Friday

OH MY GOD I just went into the bathroom in my dept. at work and you would not believe what was just chillin on the floor...ok as if it wasn't bad enough that one of my coworkers drips blood on the toilet seat once a month every month and doesn't wipe it off, now a different coworker apparently needs some major lessons on how to wipe their ass. There was a freaking turd laying on the floor under the TP holder!!!!!! How freaking disgusting can people be?!?! And the sad thing is, there's only about 4 people it could have been unless one of the ladies from the dept. next door snuck over and used our toilet which doesn't usually happen because they've got their own. I know I sure as hell didn't do it, and the 2 guys in the dept. are out since it's a women's bathroom. The blood dripper is out sick today, so that leaves 4 other women. I think I know who it was, and it just grosses me out to even think about it. BLEGH people are just gross.

Ok on to other non-gross topics...

Miss H is doing fine, no more temps, no more puking, eating just fine(except she still does not want much formula, what's up w/ that??), playing like normal. My mom is picking her up from the sitters as we speak to spend some time w/ her. She's thinking about watching her all night tonight, she said she hasn't done that for us in a long time. Thing is, I don't want her to do it for us, because honestly I don't mind having my own daughter all the time, for goodness sakes I love her and I really miss her when I'm not with her....I want her to do it because she wants to watch her. Which she does. But actually I don't really want her to keep her tonight...so I don't want her to be doing it to give me a break, because I don't want a break. I don't get to see her all day Friday because of work, and then when she watches her on a Friday night well I pretty much get to spend no time with her. Plus D doesn't even get off work til 9:00 on Fridays so it's not like we can go out to a movie. His friends want to come into town and have a Wii party and basically drink and play the Wii all night...um, yea, sorry but that doesn't sound like fun to me at all. Not that I'm not for hanging out with his friends, they're nice guys...but how about NO drinking, and they go home about 11:00 so I can go to bed at a decent time for once. Is that so bad? I'm just not into partying or anything remotely like it. I got all my partying out in highschool(and seriously I didn't even do much of it then either). But seriously I'm about to take the Wii away from D, he's been getting home late every night this week and then having to dart off to work, because he's been staying at his friends' house playing the stupid Wii forever. Do guys ever grow up, seriously? It's my hard earned money paying for that damn thing so I think I should be able to take it away if I feel the need to. And his whole promise about him making the house spotless if we get a Wii?? Yea freaking right. He's been the same ol' slob he always is. Seriously he's getting really close to being on my shit list lately.

I have ANOTHER freaking headache. It seems like a TON of people lately are sick with this head cold crap. Mine's still hanging on, no more sinus infection but I've still got the head cold crap that's making me not be able to hear and clogging up my sinuses and giving me bucket loads of drainage....NICE huh. I feel so sexy let me tell you...I'm so tired I've got dark circles under my eyes, I've got constant snot leakage, a red dried up crusty nose, this lovely hacking cough which sometimes produces phlegm...I've been too tired to do much w/ my hair so in the evening when I take it out of the pony tail it's sticking up straight all wild and crazy, and I haven't worn a single bit of makeup all week even though my face is all broke out. Damn I'm hot LOL...at least it's given me a week off from hubby hounding me for some action! LOL

Another crazy weekend...

Well we had another crazily busy weekend. Friday night D finally found a Wii at Best Buy, so after Miss H went to bed(late) we stayed up to check it out. I got up at about 8 the next morning with her, and she pretty much refused to take a nap all day. She has a cold. Nothing horrible, just a little coughing and snot. But her sleep is a bit screwed up. She was cranky all afternoon, and a couple of D's golf buddies came over to check out the Wii, and they played with her so of course she wouldn't nap at all while they were there either. Saturday was also my sister's birthday and we'd said we'd take her out to dinner. She chose Red Lobster, and let me say it was NOT worth the amount of money we paid for that meal. We won't be going back. We didn't get Miss H in bed til late again, after 11. Sunday morning I woke up at 8...no yelling from Miss H. So I went back to bed. Woke up at 9...went and checked on her...still snoozing away! D and I woke up at 10:30 and honestly we flipped out a little...she hasn't slept that late since she had the stomach flu. We walked in her room to find her standing there in her crib, pointing at her special lamp her great-grandparents got her, and whispering "dat, dat!" She is so funny. Usually she stands up and yells at the door for us to come get her. I have no idea how long she was awake looking at her lamp. But at least we got some sleep, and she didn't seem like she was starving to death or anything surprisingly. She fought her nap again on Sunday. Finally D just laid her in bed with him, and I laid down as well. She cried, and tossed and turned, and cried. The only way I could get her to settle down was to rub on back and hold her really close and say "bye-o, bye-o baby bye-o"...my grandma used to rock me to sleep singing that when I was little, and oddly it soothes Miss H too. She FINALLY drifted off to sleep, and I slept w/ her from 1 to 3. I got her up at 3:30 to eat lunch. We went to the in-laws around 6 and Miss H didn't eat dinner til 8. She did however do something pretty darn amazing. One minute she was sitting on the floor next to me, the next she just stood up. She just stood up right there in the middle of the floor and just stood there, not wobbling or anything! Of course me, the wonderfully eloquent person that I am, could only think to say "um, um, um!" I was shocked. To see my little baby girl standing there next to me was a very odd sight. Needless to say I'm very proud. Anyway last night she had a rough time getting to sleep again. She had trouble settling down in my arms...we tried multiple positions, and finally I laid her down in her crib thinking she'd like to stretch out. So she turned over and stuck her butt in the air. 5 minutes later she was crying reaching for me. I tried to lay her back down and that made her bawl. So I picked her up and rocked her some more and FINALLY got her settled down and asleep. I kept telling myself that it was always hard for me to get to sleep as a kid, and I reminded myself how that felt to want to go to sleep so badly and never be able to get to sleep and how comforting it would have been to have my mom just pick me up and rock me. That really helps me not get frustrated at all with her. And I know she doesn't feel well either. And I can feel a huge bulge on her gums too where I her eye tooth is coming in on the top so maybe that's an issue as well. But she was asleep by 12:30 am. I felt so bad dragging her out of bed this morning when she was so exhausted still. If I didn't have to work I could have let her sleep in :o( One of these days...

Ok I have a dilemma...during the week Miss H's diaper rash gets progressively worse, until on Friday it's sometimes bleeding even. The sitter(who is really great by the way) SWEARS she changes her regularly and right after she poops. But on the weekend, it clears up and by the time I take her back to the sitter's Monday morning her little bum is perfectly peachy soft, no rash in sight. It can't be diet, because I feed her the same things on the weekend and her butt is fine with me. UNLESS, it's because the sitter has a water softener. The dr. said that shouldn't be the problem. But what the heck else could it be?? I provide all her formula, wipes, diapers, butt cream...the only thing I can think of is the water must be not setting well with her sensitive skin. Does anybody have a softener and have had issues like this?? I bought her a couple jugs of nursery water to use instead of her tap, so hopefully that will help...we'll see I guess. If not, the only thing I know to do is tell her to change her diaper at least every hour as well as right after she poops and go from there. But I don't change her diaper that often when I have her and every morning she wakes up with a diaper full to the brim of pee and it doesn't affect her bum?? I am just at a loss, I have no idea what's wrong...

Ok on to other things. I have an issue. A big one. I even made a new years resolution to try and fix it. But it hasn't worked. My issue is that I come very last on my list of priorities. My new years resolution was to take better care of myself. But how am I supposed to do that when I'm so busy and exhausted all the time? I have always been a really low energy person. I have major stomach issues and all the extra energy it takes my body to digest food etc. really taxes my energy supply. I take a multivitamin. I get plenty of exercise running after Miss H and going non-stop from the time I get up til the time I fall in bed at night. I eat fairly healthy. I don't drink enough water, but I'm not a thirsty person. I'm also the type of person that pushes myself way beyond my limits...I have a million things to get done and about 10 minutes free time to get it done in. Instead of saying "I HAVE to take a shower no matter what" I will take care of Miss H of course first, then the chores that need to be done(which are a ton--it never ends) and then by the time I get everything else taken care of or at least some of what needs to be done, I'm so tired I just fall in bed. I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel like I'm over-doing it, over-working my body. I feel like crap. I feel like I look like crap. I want a shower more than a few times a week. I want to have time to blow dry my hair. I want to have plucked eyebrows once in a while. I want to have time to clip my toenails. But I also want clean clothes to wear, clean dishes for us to eat off of, the bills to be paid on time(which I have been slipping up on lately because we have so many payments per month it's getting to where I can't remember everything--and hubby does not help with this)...I'm supposed to be super mom right, I'm supposed to have a clean organized house, I'm supposed to have a clean intelligent child, and I'm supposed to be clean and put together. YEA FREAKING RIGHT...I want to know how other women do it. All these women I know, they have all that. They wear make up daily. They know where everything is in their house. They don't have a dining room full of boxes (that are full of lord knows what)....they don't have mountains of laundry taking up half their bedroom. Their kitchen sink is empty and their floors are always clean. I have the time/energy to do a few things...Miss H is always clean, she is smart because I take the time to work with her...we always have a clean outfit for the next day...Miss H's room and the bathroom in the hallway are almost perfectly organized and put together at all times. The rest is all chaos and disorganization and un-cleanliness. I'm admitting it. And I hate that. So how on earth am I supposed to do ANYTHING for myself when the rest of my life is such chaos?? My job takes up SO MUCH of my time, and it's not fair. I am exhausted, I feel and look like crap, my house looks like crap, and someone else gets to spend more time out of the week with my kid than I do. :o( Ok I think I just needed to bitch. But I'm just tired and I am so stressed from all the crap that always needs done. And there's no end in sight...

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Truffles....

My first thought upon waking up this morning was “Thank the LORD ALMIGHTY, it’s finally FRIDAY!!” I’m so ready for the weekend. One more day of work this week and I think I would go nuts.

I have to start my work day off every morning with a cup of this….

I love the taste and it’s nice and hot and darn it if it doesn’t keep my system regulated better than any specialty product I have ever tried! Sorry if tmi… but, I just had to say, this stuff is great.

Well the time has finally come…I’ve been dreading this for a few weeks now. The weather has warmed up, and golf season is now upon us. I absolutely LOVE the spring, I love the warmer temps and everything…but I do not look forward to golf season. D didn’t get home until after 9:00 last night. Luckily for us he decided not to go to work so he could spend some time with us. But I had gotten so used to him getting home early, most nights before Miss H and I even got there, and being around all weekend…it was so nice! Now he’s back to practicing every daylight hour he’s not in school, and in a couple short weeks he’ll be off gallivanting around the US to tournament after tournament pretty much every weekend. This wouldn’t be such a huge issue, except he won’t get to see Miss H. He’ll only be here a few weekdays between tournaments, and he won’t be home before she goes to bed…so unless I keep her up past 10 every night on the days he’s in town, he won’t get to see her for a couple months straight pretty much. But that seriously cuts into her sleep since I still have to get her up at 7:30 every morning. And dangit, I’m going to miss him! He hates talking on the phone, so our conversations while he’s gone are so irritating. I want to sit and talk for a half hour about how each of our days went…I wanna know everything about his day, how he played, where they went to eat, what else they did…and he just wants to say “alright so I love you and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” Men… By the time Miss H’s birthday rolls around he’ll be on one of his last couple tournaments, and I know the time will fly, but I also know getting through the next couple months without him will be a bit difficult. Another issue is that I can’t be home alone overnight…how silly is that!! But I just can’t. I watched too many scary movies growing up and I’ve seen too much crap on the news about murders and kidnappings and rapes etc. over the years, and that crap REALLY affects me, so I am basically a big ol’ scaredy cat and just cannot sleep at night without somebody there. So like a big baby I have to call and beg my sister or my mom to come stay the night with me every night he’s gone. And I know that takes a toll on my family as well. But we’ll get through it, and then only one more year of this before he graduates and we can be a “normal” family finally!

In other, completely un-related news, I feel the need to share my love of the truffles from this wonderful little candy store called The Candy Factory. I discovered their truffles right before my nephew was born in March of ’05. I took my sister in law a box of them while she was in the hospital after his birth. Let me just say that when I was pregnant I could finish a whole 15 piece box in a couple days flat. THEY ARE SO GOOD! Don’t they LOOK good?????



They are NOTHING like those Russel Stover’s truffles, they are nothing like any other truffle I have ever eaten that you can buy around here. They are wonderful. Their flavor isn’t too strong…they are chocolately and the center is nice and smooth, not to runny or too cakey…just perfect…and the shell is a nice hard chocolate. It’s the perfect combo, I’m telling you. And I just found out you can buy them online…no longer do you have to venture to my semi-small city and brave the streets of downtown to try these things for yourself. They’re now available at the click of your mouse! If you are especially in love with these truffles you can also buy them in boxes of 24 or 32 online. In the store they also sell a box of 6. Which I might just have to treat myself to this weekend! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……
And let me just say this…I have never been a big fan of chocolate. Not til I found these truffles…and then I got pregnant…and it was all over after that…I admit it, I’m a huge truffle-aholic. Is that even a word? Works for me.

And I have yet more news, not very exciting to you probably but pretty darn exciting to me. I cooked the ginormous butternut squash last night that I had bought last week. I’m usually not one to go to all that trouble, especially when I’m so stinking tired like I have been lately. I had to cut this thing up into about 10 pieces just to get it to fit in the casserole dish, it was huge!! I cooked it for 30 minutes and it turned out perfectly if I do say so myself. As I was scooping out the squash goo to store in a handy Takalong container Miss H began attacking me as she usually does when I’m trying to do anything other than paying attention to her. So I plopped her back in her highchair and gave her a few bites. And lo and behold, she ATE them! No salt, no butter, just squash, cooked by me, not Gerber, not pureed, just a hunk ‘o squash! The girl ate it. I’m so proud. And glad that I didn’t go to all that extra effort for nothing.

So many "opinions"

I’m getting a bit irritated. Why do people constantly have to compare their baby to others? I get so sick of hearing how other babies are doing this better or that better than Miss H or they’re bigger and that’s so much better for some reason… every baby is different, Miss H is just Miss H, she’s going to be who she’s going to be and it’s not a bad thing that she’s only 28 something inches and 19 lbs. She’s 10 months old, I don’t know why that sounds so horrible for a 10 month old. But my brother loves to talk about how much bigger his son S is than Miss H and he’s 1 and ½ months younger than she is so he’s just doing SO WELL! Now that I’ve started ranting about this I’m really tired of thinking about it……..jeez……..I’m just under a lot of pressure lately to do certain things and it’s driving me nuts. Everybody’s bragging to me that their kid is off the bottle or only takes 1 or 2 a day and using a sippy cup the rest of the time……Hailey still has 4 bottles a day, one being with bedtime. She only uses a sippy cup in the morning w/ some water and at dinner w/ some water. She uses it just fine. But I don’t know that she’d sit and drink a full 6 or 8 oz. of formula from a sippy cup. I can’t see her doing that. She’s like me, I’m never thirsty. She’s not one of those kids that has their sippy cup hanging around all day drinking more and more juice or whatever else kids drink these days(my nephew is one of those kids). Not that I don’t give her one, she always has water available. She just doesn’t get thirsty. I’m the exact same way. And then there’s the pacifier issue. She loves her pacifier. She uses a Soothie. She still uses the green ones that are meant for 0 to 3 months. They make harder ones for older babies that are blue and pink, so they can’t bite through them. She doesn’t like it. She’ll pop it in her mouth and try it for a while because it’s a new color, but then she’ll pop it back out and pop her green one in. But the issue is people think we need to wean her from it. WHY? I don’t see why. Who cares if she sucks on a pacifier to comfort herself. Why does this matter? It’s a soft Soothie, it’s not going to give her buck teeth. People make comments all the time how she always has it in her mouth (which isn’t true) and doesn’t that keep her from talking blah blah. People brag to me all the time “well my daughter/son never took one!” like that’s just a HUGE accomplishment and means either 1. that their son or daughter is so much more advanced because they didn’t want a pacifier or 2. that they are awesome parents for not letting their kid have a pacifier. I don’t care if people don’t give their kid a pacifier. Why do they care if Miss H takes one? Why is this such a bad thing? And then there’s the fact that she only has 2 teeth. This is not something I can control obviously, but people LOVE to brag about their kids getting teeth. Even my cousin said her daughter had a full set by 1 yr. of age. YAY for her! Every single time somebody says something to me about her only having 2 teeth, like she’s oh so behind in her development or something, I remind them that my dentist (whom I really like and trust) said that the later in life they get their teeth and the later in life that they lose their teeth the better. Something about healthier teeth that way. So I’m not concerned one bit. Do I think it’s bad when other babies get like 8 teeth by 4 months of age? No, I could care less. I’m sure they won’t have bad teeth. It doesn’t concern me a bit what teeth other babies have and when. I do wish Miss H would get more teeth so it would be easier for her to chew, but I really don’t care otherwise. Another thing I’ve been ridiculed for…rocking Miss H to sleep. Or holding her too much in general. I hold babies. All my babies will be held, unless they don’t want to be. I do not believe that holding a baby spoils it. People ask me how come Miss H never lost any hair or had a flat head like a ton of babies I know. I tell them I don’t know, that the only thing I can think of is she would never let me put her down and loved to be held…she never just laid there on her back for any length of time at all. “OHHHHHHHH so THAT’S why, you HELD her…” like that’s a horrible thing! Like “oh I’d rather my baby have a flat head than HOLD her, God forbid I spoil her to death!” Miss H needed to be held. I gave her what she needed to feel secure. Some babies don’t like to be held, they’d rather be laying on the floor, and sometimes they get flat spots, and THAT’S FINE TOO! But that’s not what my baby wanted. And now she does NOT want to be held all the time, she is a perfectly normal baby that likes to cuddle sometimes and then crawls off my lap to go play. She does fine in shopping carts or her stroller, I don’t have to carrier her everywhere I go. I did not spoil her. And the rocking to sleep issue…yes I rock her to sleep. I was rocked to sleep as a baby/child. I loved it. I felt so secure and warm and safe. I enjoy rocking babies. I always knew I’d rock my children to sleep. I can tell when Miss H starts to get tired(yes we do not enforce a strict bedtime, because I am not that kind of a person, and yes she does get tired about the same time every night--9 or so--even though she doesn’t have a bedtime) and then I get her bottle made and her vaporizer running. She knows the bedtime routine, it’s a little series of things she does herself. She closes the bedroom door behind us. She looks behind the rocking chair and under her crib(paranoid like her momma I guess), she checks her crib to make sure there are extra pacifiers(pointing them out for me to see) and then she turns off her own light and the second we sit in the rocking chair she pops out her pacifier ready for her bottle. She drinks her bottle, and when she’s done she hands it over to me and puts her pacifier back in her mouth. And she’s out. Just like that. So easy. Since she was 4 and ½ months old. I stop rocking and lay her in her crib. She turns over on her side and goes right to sleep. But I’m doing it all wrong. I’m supposed to put her in her crib while she’s awake, let her scream and cry until she cries herself to sleep. Uh sorry, not going to happen. Glad it worked for you. But it is not happening in our household. I don’t see why I’m doing such a bad thing when my daughter goes right to sleep with no fuss, feeling safe and secure, and then sleeps through the night no problems and gets up about 8:30 or 9 the next day. When she’s older if she doesn’t want to be rocked we’ll do something different then. But I don’t have any anxiety at all about her bedtimes, they’re peaceful for the both of us, and I don’t have any fear at all that it won’t always be this way. She’ll be fine. And then other people have commented on her eating habits. She eats a lot. My mom’s favorite comment is “I just don’t see how her little stomach can hold all of that food!” I tell her I don’t know either, but it does, and she stops eating when she’s full. She is not overweight by any means. Or underweight. A month ago she was 18 lbs 12 oz…that’s fine. She has a fat roll on her legs, she has a big ol Buddha belly that makes her little 12 to 18 months jeans tight on her…she is not too small! My brother’s baby is a month and a half younger than Miss H and well over 20 lbs…he is very thick. And do I ever look at him and think “man he is too fat or big”??????? Uh……NO……he’s himself, that’s just who he is, it never crosses my mind how big he is until the family brings it up (which is quite a bit, they love to compare the two)… And also she eats pretty much whatever we’re eating as long as it’s healthy. I don’t do the 3 day wait test to make sure she’s not allergic. She’s never had a reaction to anything so far and I don’t even know all the stuff she’s eaten. When I fed her spaghetti over a month ago and she gobbled it right up, a friend with a little boy the same age as Miss H ridiculed me like crazy for giving her ground beef. “Don’t you know they aren’t supposed to have that?!?!” WHY?? She was fine. She loved it. She digested it perfectly. Her poop is perfectly normal, formed and smells like poop. She didn’t get a belly ache or get cranky. Why no beef? I don’t care. I make sure and don’t give her anything she’ll choke on. Nothing is too hot. And she eats so healthy. She loves carrots and peas and squash and sweet potatoes, etc. and she loves bananas…and she loves her baby yogurt. She eats very well. But everybody has something to say about it.

I have to say, the only people, VERY SURPRISINGLY that have had nothing negative whatsoever to say(in the past few months), are the in-laws. They love her to pieces. They think she’s just perfect. Now I don’t care when my mom makes comments about Miss H’s eating because she isn’t meaning it in a bad way, and she’s my mom, I love her to pieces(she’s my best friend). But other people it bugs me, like my dad’s family, grandma, friends, etc….so anyway the in-laws NEVER say anything like “oh she’s still eating baby food?” or “She can’t eat that yet???” or “she’s too big!” or “man she should be walking by now”…….everything she does they think is the cutest thing in the world. Their grandson is going to be 2 next month. They do talk about how Miss H is doing things sooner than he did. But not like it’s a bad thing like other people. They do what we want, how we want it when it comes to her. I think they like it that we’re pretty easy going…we don’t get mad when they hold her the whole 2 hrs. she’s taking a nap. They like that we stay over at their house til whenever Miss H starts getting cranky(10 or so if we’re somewhere other than home) and don’t rush off at 8 because it’s her bedtime. The only thing they have ever said lately, is his mom made the comment Saturday about her hair barrettes…she asked “so she doesn’t put those in her mouth and choke on them?” and I told her that I don’t let her play with them and that when she does find one yes she does pop it in her mouth but she does not choke because I’m right there grabbing it from her mouth. She didn’t mean anything by it, she was purely curious. Back when Miss H was a newborn and I was showing her the hair barrettes we had for her when she got older, she made the comment to me “well keep those out of her reach so she doesn’t choke on them!”…….I was so pissed. DUH lady…yea like I’m going to leave them laying around and I’m going to let her out of my sight so she’ll just be choking left and right…how dare she think I didn’t have enough common sense? But after being a mom for a while I feel differently, I know she was just concerned, and I also know things pop out of her mouth that sound totally wrong but she does NOT mean them that way. I sympathize with this because unfortunately I’m the same way. Also, the drama and tense situations are gone now that Miss H is older, because his parents KNOW how outspoken I am, and we had many situations when she was younger where I told them exactly what I thought and didn’t hold anything back. They know the boundaries, they respect them wonderfully, and everybody gets along great now, just like I always wanted. Ok how did I get off on the in-laws? Gosh I need to stick to one point…I’m so bad about rambling.

So anyway I’m tired of people giving me their 2 cents about Miss H. She’s my kid, I know what’s best for her, she’s perfectly healthy and people need to back off. Ok so enough with the bitching for now…

I need ideas for things to feed Miss H now that she doesn’t really care for baby food. I need breakfast, lunch and snack ideas. Dinner is usually ok, she eats what we eat. But I do need ideas for things like how to cook sweet potatoes(are the canned ones the same as fresh??) and input on what you all fed your kiddos when they were eating more regular “adult” food.

Last night Miss H did the cutest thing, she made me laugh so hard. She was sitting on my lap reading her new Peek-A-Boo book my mom got her for Valentine’s Day. It has flaps you lift up to see the pictures underneath. I was pointing at things and naming them, like I always do…”duck!” “puppy!” etc. and then I told her “Now you point!” and she reached over and grabbed my hand and made ME point, plopping my hand on the page over and over making me point to the puppy and duck. It was like she was saying “No, YOU point mom, that’s YOUR job.” I laughed so hard. She’s just too stinking cute!! And then this morning she was so clingy when we got to the sitters, doing her fake fussing and holding onto my legs…until I asked her if she wanted some “num nums” which is what she calls her food…then she turned and pointed at the high chairs like “yea let’s eat!” What can I say, the girl loves her food! LOL

Well I took tomorrow afternoon off so I can spend some quality time with Miss H. I miss her so much. I hate the fact that the sitter spends more time with her than I do. That’s just not fair. I can’t wait until hubby gets out of school and gets a job so I can stay home with her. I don’t care if we don’t have some big new house, or new cars. I don’t have to have all that to be happy. But I have always wanted to stay home with my kids and raise them myself. My mom was a single parent and she did the best she could but I hated my daycares and I always told myself I didn’t want my kids to grow up like that. 2 more years…

I went to lunch today with a coworker that is from France. It was pretty fun. I’m not one to make new friends just like that, and usually I really shy away from situations where I’m going to be alone with a person I don’t know that well because the conversation usually bombs and I’m left feeling so stupid. But we talked the whole time, it’s really easy to talk to her for some reason and we talk about all sorts of things too. It was nice to just sit and have a conversation about real issues for once but nothing too serious at the same time, and nothing to do with work either!