Not again

This is a pretty negative post...I'll do a more positive one about the weekend later when I can add a couple pictures. Sorry, this is all I've got right now...Our weekend was too busy to enjoy, once again. I am starting to hate the holidays because D's family insists on spending way too much time with us and then we have to squeeze in time for us to see my mom and Hailey ends up being over tired...it's just not fun anymore. Saturday started off great. We got up, my mom came over and we went to the Easter egg hunt at the school my mom works at. They had the little kids one in this little fenced playground area. Hailey found eggs and had a really good time playing and she even got to see baby goats and huge rabbits. We went to eat lunch at her favorite place (Subway) and went home and it all went downhill from there. We were just about to get her down for a nap when she found ants on our living room floor...those little piss ants. I flipped out, I cannot STAND bugs in my house. They were gathered by the hundreds under some stacks of folded clean clothes I had on the living room floor!! I had to rewash all the clothes and I vacuumed the whole house, I was so disgusted. So of course Hailey didn't get a nap. I thought she'd sleep in the car on the way to my brother in law's for my nephew W's 3rd birthday party at 3:00 but she didn't fall asleep til the very end of their dirt road! By the end of the party she was having a melt down from not wanting to leave and then all of a sudden wanting to leave RIGHT THAT SECOND and I just lost it and yelled at her and put her in time out twice. I feel like I was so mean to her. But D's in Oklahoma, I'm doing this all myself right now and his family(as in his mom, grandma and grandpa) was STRESSING ME OUT BIGTIME at the party with comments they made (thanking God they didn't have to deal w/ Hailey during her tantrum, asking my sister in law what time would be good for her for Easter and once again planning the day around them and her kids' schedule(they get up at 5:30 in the freaking morning!) and not even caring that ours is COMPLETELY different(Hailey doesn't wake up til 9:30 or 10:00) and making sure we had enough time to do OUR stuff too...taking Hailey outside to play and then completely ignoring her when she would try to talk to or play with them because they were so focused on W(and I couldn't go outside because the cold wind was making my asthma act up)--things like that) so then we go to leave and their front porch steps don't have a railing...5 steps down to concrete...I told Hailey to hold my hand and she said "No I NOT hold your hand!" but I never thought she would really try to go down the steps, and I was tired so my judgement was clouded, so instead of making her take my hand I turned around to shut the door and as I was turning back I saw her falling and it was too late to catch her and she fell from the top step straight down to the bottom and landed w/ all her weight on her FACE. Then she fell to the side onto the ground and started screaming and crying. I threw my stuff down and scooped her up and my sister in law came out to see what happened, so I'm crying because of what happened to Hailey and then I'm thinking to myself GOD they think I"m a horrible parent already because I actually discipline my child, now they're REALLY going to think I'm horrible because W's never fallen down those stairs and now Hailey has. I made sure she was ok before putting her in the car and then she fell asleep so I was paranoid she'd given herself a concussion although I knew she was just exhausted from the day. I cried all the way home. As soon as I was within range of a cell tower I called my mom and asked her to come to my house. Hailey was okay, not a mark on her. I'm still shaken up by it and feel absolutely horrible. I feel like a horrible mother. D's grandpa called me and invited me out to dinner with them and I told them what happened (they weren't there when it happened) and I was crying into the phone and his grandpa LAUGHED and said "Oh she'll be fine. We'll see you tomorrow." GRRR

Yesterday morning started off great. Hailey did her egg hunt and had a good time. I made my salad to take to the inlaws (that my mother in law told me to bring even though she knows I don't like to bring food places) and got myself ready. It was already noon and my mother in law told me to be there by then so we could eat at lunchtime. I hurried to get Hailey in her outfit and hair fixed and she didn't want any of it. I tried to take pictures of her, I got a few that are halfway decent before she had a meltdown. I lost it because I was so stressed and frustrated at having to hurry my child at yet another holiday. I took off her dress and yelled at her that she was a bad girl and pitched this boxed game to the other side of her room on the floor that she'd wanted to play with and got up and told her she was in time out and walked out of her room and shut the door. GAH! I felt horrible! I was taking it out on her and I knew it and I feel HORRIBLE about it! I went back in there after a few minutes and asked if I could come in. She was so pitiful. She said "Yea." She was just sitting there holding the game. Talk about breaking my heart. :( I opened it for her and she told me "Thanks Mommy!" and brightened up and I told her I was sorry for throwing a fit and yelling at her and she said "I sorry too Mommy" and we agreed to have a good day from there on out. Well then come to find out, my sister and brother in law were 1.5 hours late getting there!! And she had the ham! Which takes 2 hours to cook! (They were supposed to get there at 11 because of the ham). So needless to say we hurried for nothing and didn't even get to eat til after 2:30!!!!!! And Hailey was so tired from no nap again that she was throwing a mini-fit at the table til my father in law (the only one I can stand!!) saw I was starting to panic a bit and hurried into the kitchen to help me. He took her and calmed her down and let her sit on his lap while she ate so I could eat but my mil's grandparents who are normally sweet people said ANOTHER comment that got to me about the kids acting up--they said "Isn't this SO MUCH FUN!?" ??? Was that necessary, when I was already so stressed??? They didn't play with her at all and then when I went to leave at like 4:30 they acted all sad "Oh you're leaving already??" and then didn't even try to hug Hailey bye... Thank God for D's dad showing SOME genuine interest in Hailey. Oh his grandma even made the comment to me "I was hoping she'd be in a pretty little dress..." after I'd JUST explained why she was in her comfy sweat suit--because of her stressful weekend and absolute refusal to wear the dress I thought she really needed to just be in nice comfy warm clothes!

My mom came over last night and Hailey woke up from a short nap and was so tired that at first she told me my mom wasn't there! Like she wanted her to leave! I felt so bad. My mom always gets her leftover grumpy time at holidays. But for some reason I can't grow some balls and stand up to my inlaws about holidays! Anything else, yea, but holidays I just have an issue with telling them we can't come...I guess I don't want anybody to be mad at us or upset and his mom always makes such a big deal over us being there for the holidays and then she plans nothing and it's all a mess! And they don't even pay attention much to Hailey except my father in law but my mother in law is so damn touchy and ridiculous, if we don't come she pitches a huge fit and acts like a teenager and like refuses to talk to us forever. I'm just upset w/ how the weekend went when I was so looking forward to it--and that's how each holiday is these days. It's really getting to me. I'm wishing we lived far away from his family so we had the excuse to just stay home on holidays. That would be so nice once in a while. To just leisurely wake up, make some breakfast, take time to open presents or Easter egg hunt or whatever the holiday calls for, and just enjoy being together. Not have to rush here and there, make sure we get to my inlaws in time to mesh with W's schedule, have D's grandparents make comments (happens every time) if the kids aren't acting like angels like the kids on the OTHER side of the family (like the boy who can recite the pledge of allegiance and is potty trained at 2.5 yrs. old--big DEAL come on!), keep Hailey up from her naps so she's cranky later etc. etc. I've told D, myself and my mom that this year for Christmas we're doing xmas eve at his parents house and xmas day at home and at my mom's. Last year was HORRIBLE, a disaster, we're not going through that again. Hailey had nothing to open while little W had millions of presents, she got her feelings very hurt, didn't get a nap, D and I fought because of tension w/ his family and again my mom got the tired cranky leftover time w/ Hailey by the time we got to her house. So, I've said this...but am I really going to have the guts to tell them we just can't do this at every holiday anymore? I want Hailey to enjoy holidays like I did as a kid. Our family split up the days and traded off holidays. You'd think my inlaws would be okay with this, but nope. They have to have us every single holiday, because in my mother in law's words "Christmas Eve isn't CHRISTMAS!"

I really didn't want to come into work this morning. My stomach issues started up again last night, making me really nauseous. I woke up this morning still feeling sick. I'm almost to the point where I don't care if we ever have a nice house, as long as we have some decent and I can stay home and raise the kids and not work or only work part time even...I just cannot deal with having to push my body to do so much much longer. I'm just getting worse and worse. I'm sure lack of rest and the added stress from my job are not helping.

My mom has Hailey today, they're on Spring Break from school. Hopefully they have a good day today. I get off 1/2 hr. early at least, thank God.

And that's the end of my rant...for now at least...

Busy weekend!

We had a very busy weekend this weekend! Friday night was spent at my mom's. I cooked dinner, Hailey played...after dinner I relaxed on the couch and watched What Not to Wear.

Saturday we got up, cleaned ourselves up and straightened up the house a little bit and then went to lunch with my stepmom and little sister. That was so much fun! We haven't done that EVER. Seriously. I know this divorce has been really hard on all of us...we've gone through some really tough times since my step mom moved out with my grandma going insane and threatening everybody, my dad trying to kill himself, my sister being so stressed she's moving out etc. BUT...things are starting to finally come together. My stepmom is much happier, I can tell the difference in her just by looking at her! She's finally able to be her own person and do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. Going out to lunch, just us girls, was so nice...I hope we can have many more times like that in the future. After lunch we drove all around town trying to find a place for my little sister and stepmom to live. This town is over-run by college kids...finding a good rental in a quiet/nice area that doesn't cost an arm and a leg and isn't teeny tiny is really hard to find around here. We got lucky when we found our place! After that Hailey and I headed over to my dad's. My dad is also doing great, despite his mounting health problems. His liver isn't functioning as well as it should and the one kidney he has left is showing signs of failing...but he's in good spirits and trying to make the best out of things lately which is a huge change from just a month ago. My brother moved back here from another state a couple weeks ago (he's going to be 24 next month) and brought his little brother along with him (he's 20). They're living with my dad and it's really brightened my dad's spirits. Saturday evening we got to see my brother for the first time since Hailey was 5 months old. Hailey went right to him! She's really shy with people she's not around a whole lot and takes a while to warm up to people. She hates my husband's dad and freaks out when he even comes in the door. I have no idea why. She tolerates D's mom. She's always taken a while to warm up to my dad. But for some reason Saturday night she went right to my dad and sat on his lap and watched Spongebob for a while which made him incredibly happy. He went from seeming like he didn't feel good to getting up and cooking us all dinner and visiting with everybody like nothing was wrong. Hailey sat on my brother's lap for a long time and kept leaning over to steal looks at S, my brother's little brother. At our wedding my brother M was the only person that could get Hailey to settle down and go to sleep (she was only 3 months old). He stayed with us in the women's building while we got ready to take care of Hailey. It was so sweet. I don't know what it is...but she still loves him to pieces. He has two little boys of his own, ages 3 and 5 that his ex has full custody of...he is so good with little kids though. He was doting on her all night. My dad had a full house with me, Hailey, my 2 brothers, my brother's brother, my littlest brother's friend K (who's always around and is basically like another little brother), my little sister and my cousin. We all ate dinner and visited and had a great time.

Sunday started off with a little family turmoil but ended up okay. Hailey started off the day showing us how incredibly cute and funny she is. She went to put a bowl of dry cereal in the sink. I told D she was going to dump it all over the floor, I just knew it. Sure enough the bowl tipped backwards and the cereal scattered all over the kitchen floor. I wish I had what happened next on film. It was priceless. Hailey's jaw dropped as she looked down at the cereal and she said "OH MY GOD!!" I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. Did she really just say that? Then she said "OH MY GOD MOMMY!!" I hope I remember that moment forever. It was the most adorable thing ever. I got up and went in there. She said "Mommy I make a mess! Help me clean up??" and started frantically scooping up the cereal. I stood her up facing me and kissed her on the nose and told her she was the cutest thing ever and I loved her. I told her to put the cereal on the rug and we'd shake it off outside to feed the birds, which she thought was really neat. That started the morning off great. Then my inlaws called and invited us over for the Super Bowl. I told D we just couldn't go. It was too last minute. I'd kept Hailey out late both Fri. and Sat. night and said I was keeping her home Sunday. She wanted to be home! He told his parents we'd come and we fought about it a little. He told me that I had to call them and tell them we weren't coming and I refused...they are HIS parents, he needs to grow some balls and deal with them himself...I'm tired of being the bad guy!! I was so mad. He just didn't get why Hailey couldn't go...he doesn't understand how much sleep a toddler needs and how she was already so worn out from running around all weekend to see family. My family had made our plans the previous week. His parents can't do that. They ALWAYS call last minute and expect us to drop what we're doing and do what they want. It's always been like that. When Hailey had been home from the hospital a couple days even, and I was struggling with being a new mom and freaking out about breastfeeding right and crying and just having a really rough time, they'd call at 8:00 at night and say they were almost at our house to see Hailey...no warning, nothing. So instead of being able to get into a routine and try to deal with things, we had to sit there until 10:30 at night or whenever they'd decide it was time to go. Hailey would sleep the whole time they were there too, so by the time they left she'd wake up and I could've gotten 2 or 3 good hours of sleep...and they NEVER have understood why we tell them no. Just like on Hailey's first 4th of July when it was boiling hot outside and I could tell something wasn't right with her. She was gagging and throwing up a lot but they insisted she was fine and took her outside and passed her around from one sweaty person to another. I fumed inside until I finally went and grabbed her and said we were leaving. The next morning she went into the hospital for a few days with an extremely high fever and she was refusing to eat and had a bad rash etc. They just don't get it! Yesterday after much "discussion," a phonecall to my mom where I cried that I was ready for a divorce, D blowing up at my mom when she came over for something really small and stupid and then us all making amends...D decided he wanted to invite his friend and his girlfriend and their 3 week old little boy down instead. It's NOT that I didn't want to go to his parent's house. I would LOVE for them to invite us over sometime or call and ask to keep Hailey for a few hours or even a day...but they NEVER do this...they never call to watch her at ALL...and when they call for us to come over it's so last minute we've always made other plans already or it just doesn't fit into our schedule. I'm so sick of it! So anyway D called his dad without any prompting from me and told him we'd decided to keep Hailey home instead and were having A and his family over. His dad said "OK bye" and hung up on him. These people are so immature it's ridiculous. We didn't let it bother us. We hurried up and cleaned up the house, me working on the bathroom, D the kitchen and my mom helped pick up the living room so D could vacuum. I cleaned the kitchen floor. That is one thing I LOVE LOVE LOVE about having company...I get a clean house!!! My mom, Hailey and I ran by Walmart to load up on snacks. I even bought a 6 pack of beer and told myself I deserved one after the day I'd had...but of course since we just don't drink I ended up not having one and D only drank 2. We had a nice peaceful evening visiting with our friends, stuffing ourselves on wings, pizza rolls, cheese dip etc. and holding a baby and a toddler! Hailey loves A and had a lot of fun playing with him all evening. I didn't hold baby L a whole lot because I've been sick with a cold and although the only symptom I have left is a clogged right ear I just couldn't bear the thought of this itty bitty cute baby getting a cold. I pray to God there were no germs lurking about...they knew that we had been sick and still brought him though which I was quite surprised at. I think his mom is pretty relaxed since she's been taking care of her 2 nieces forever. Hailey was having so much fun I couldn't bear to make her go to sleep w/ them there so she didn't get to bed until 10:30 but she went right to sleep then. We had a great night and Hailey woke up in a great mood this morning. While I was drying my face I heard a little voice say "Mommy?" I opened the door and turned the corner and there she was, standing at her bedroom door with the light on. She said "I wake up!" Morning couldn't have gone better...great moods, got out of the house on time and I even got to work on time! Well, 1 minute late but come on. That's on time. What a great start to the week...hopefully it's a sign of the great week we're going to have!!!

I have another physical therapy appt. after work today and for the first time I didn't shave my legs. Last time I did and got bad razor burn so this time I just said screw it. My PT told me last time she doesn't shave in the winter so I don't need to worry about it! I still feel weird about going with hairy legs though...

Holiday Recap

The first 2 days of our holiday break were awesome. I put Hailey to bed at a decent time Fri. and Sat. nights and she didn't have to get up early the next days...she also took good naps...she was like a different kid. No fits at all, hilariously silly, just a happy little camper. Sunday we went to my Grandma's for dinner, no drama at all except my dad not feeling well and refusing to eat. Hailey had a blast and got a cool new toy (Rainbow Aquadoodle Playmat, I highly recommend it) that she loves. Monday Hailey FINALLY picked out her Christmas ornament. We went to Hobby Lobby and she walked along the isles by herself, telling one woman that was blocking the isle "Excuse me" as she squeezed past. She picked out a King Fish ornament (I'll add a picture tonight) but the crown was broken. She threw a massive fit and wanted no other ornament, so I told her we could pay for it (she understands you have to pay for something to take it from a store, so when she wants something she asks to "pay for it"...if she doesn't want it she says "Put it back") and they gave me an extra 10% off the already 50% discounted price since it was broken. I'll have to hot glue it because the crown is a bit sharp at the base, but she hasn't noticed it hanging on the tree yet anyway.

Christmas day started off great. We took a couple hours to open presents. Hailey had a great time and loved all her gifts. She pushed her new doll stroller around and told us she was going to the store. When she opened her little horse she clapped her hands and say "YAY, a horse!" She even loved her clothes, exclaiming "CLOTHES! PAJAMAS!!" She's a true little girl. We were having a nice relaxing time until our inlaws called right after I'd gotten out of the shower and were griping that we weren't there yet (God forbid I get to clean my ass once in a while)...I had to rush to get us and everything ready to leave. Poor Hailey kept following me around all happy wanting to play, and I finally had to stop after bumping into her for the 3rd time and tell her I was really sorry but I needed her to get out of mommy's way. THIS BREAKS MY HEART. To see her standing there holding one of her new toys, so confused as to why things went from peaceful and fun to rushed and stressed. I don't know how, but next year things are going to be different. I'm sick of having Christmas ruined by my damn in laws. We got there at noon(seriously, that's not late at all) and they were actually acting okay. My nephew was being his normal incredibly annoying spoiled brat self, throwing a huge fit because Hailey didn't want to play with him. They MADE my daughter play with him so he'd be happy. They never get onto this kid, it was driving me insane. It was even driving my husband insane, and that's saying something. My BIL and SIL were doing nothing to reprimand him at all, leaving it up to my inlaws, and they don't reprimand him either they talk baby talk to him nicely. For the first time I saw my FIL and MIL, on separate occasions, get upset with this kid...but they did NOTHING to correct his behavior. It was stressing D and I out so bad. At present opening time Hailey had almost nothing to open, while spoiled little W had at least twice the gifts Hailey did, no exaggeration...and his were huge too...a black and decker tool bench included. I bet they spent a good 300$ on this kid, no joke, and about 50$ on Hailey(which 1 thing if they would ever read the family blog they would have seen she already had so we had to take it back, and 1 thing is a fizzy tub thing that changes the water colors that she can't use because it will irritate her little girl parts). It was seriously pitiful. Normally I wouldn't care, I mean it's not the gifts that count. But when you're 2 years old and your cousin is opening tons of cool presents and you have nothing to open, you get your feelings hurt. It broke my heart to have my daughter come to me crying because she had nothing to open and W was opening tons. All I could tell her was "I know sweetie, I'm sorry." She didn't understand, and damnit I don't either...why are they so different to her than they are to my BIL and SIL's kids??? My MIL made some comment to my SIL about how some of the gifts to the boys(my 4 month old nephew also got more gifts from my inlaws than Hailey did) were from the grandparents in St. Louis. I thought to myself Okay now why are their gifts here and Hailey's are still in St. Louis??? My MIL told me "Hailey's gift (notice the singular there, whereas the W boys had plural gifts) is still in St. Louis." My MIL later told me "We bought a bunch of gifts for W to be from the grandparents but they forgot and bought him more stuff"....hello, then TAKE WHAT YOU GOT HIM BACK or buy more for Hailey or something. Come on, don't make it that uneven, that is just so unfair to the kids. They broke Hailey's heart! Then at dinner I put my plate on the table and my insane MIL had put so much furniture polish on the table it slid right across and plopped onto my chair spilling my dinner...they ALWAYS have a table cloth on the table, but my MIL said she took it off because my 3 year old nephew W kept pulling it off. Hello, GET ONTO THE KID. My husband laughed hysterically at me and my mother in law was very annoyed although she tried to act like she wasn't. I don't get embarrased easily anymore, and I've known these people for going on 9 years...I'm completely comfortable around them. And I was OH.SO.MORTIFIED. I am 25 years old and I spilled my whole plate of food on the floor because I just didn't think. I hurried and ate, and got onto Hailey when she mimicked my 3 year old nephew W by not eating her food and growling at us. At which point she stopped, and ate. Hmmm, amazing what a little discipline will do for a kid....grr.... After the whole present fiasco Hailey started playing with W's toys while he went outside and ran around like a wild child (Did I mention it was 50 freaking degrees outside??? Gotta love MO weather...I was actually wishing it was colder, I was sweating because of all the running around we had to do!). Finally my husband starts taking stuff out to the car including our 170$ worth of Christmas pictures of Hailey I'd brought to hand out. They started a snowball fight. I went to yell out the door at D that those pictures were 170$ and he needed to put them away so they didn't get ruined and SPLAT my husband's snowball hit me smack dab right in the middle of the forehead. It was in my eyes, everywhere. I was so upset. I wiped myself off and went inside and grabbed my daughter, told everyone bye and we left. It may have been my imagination but when my MIL hugged me she lingered a bit, hugging me a little tight...I'm hoping that meant she understood my frustrations of the day and didn't hold anything against me...we shall see. Once we got in the car, my husband apologized, I cried a little, we both laughed at what happened, we both vented our frustrations about his parents and our nephew and then breathed a huge sigh of relief. We called my mom to let her know we were coming and immediately relaxed. The rest of the day was great! We got to my mom's a little after 3 and took the rest of the day to open presents, visit, eat dinner and loads of cookies(pictures to come), watch a couple movies and just have a great time! When my mom gave Hailey her last present, a pink, purple and white Radio Flyer trike, Hailey gasped and said "My bicycle, thank you O...!" (She calls my mom something odd, not sure if I've posted about it before...) That was the first time that whole day she'd say thank you without my prompting...it was so sweet. On the way home we went to look at Christmas lights again. After we put Hailey to bed D and I organized and put everything away. It was a great end to the day.

Then yesterday hit, and all hell broke loose.

First off Hailey pooped so she woke up earlier than she needed to. D's friend came over, so Hailey refused to nap. She was a CRANKY BUTT the whole day and didn't want me at all. I was exhausted. Finally my mom and I snuck out to go return some stuff to HELL MART. I officially HATE that store. The pissy old hag in the customer service dept. was the last straw. My mom started all uppety with her when she got smart with my mom about not having her receipt, even though we were just trying to exchange my PJ's that obviously came from there and it was their fault because the tops were a small and the bottoms were a large(hello, their mistake not ours!) and I told my mom to take it down a notch. My mom NEVER confronts people, so this was a new experience for me. Then the old hag turned on ME and started getting pissy with ME, at which point I lost it and told her she needed to stop being so damn pissy. My mom told me to back away. I went and got the new set of pj's to exchange. When I came back the hag was off duty and talking to 2 other employees as I walked by about me so I said rather loudly (I'm ashamed to admit) that I wished the old hag would have a heart attack right there and drop dead. Ugh I'm a horrible person. My mouth gets the better of me. They didn't have half the crap I needed at HELL MART, surprise surprise. My husband calls me halfway through informing me he took Hailey down the road to the local kids play place and needed a diaper(he took her w/out a spare diaper and in shoes 2 sizes too big for her...such a man) so we had to rush through shopping and leave. We had just gotten back home and unloaded the groceries when D called me frantic telling me she was driving him insane and we needed to come get them (they'd walked there earlier, it was now raining). When we got there he informed me he'd changed in $20 in a machine he thought was going to give him quarters but it gave him tokens instead. She wanted to run from game to game so the tokens were a waste(he didn't know I never let her go up to the arcade for exactly this reason...) and when I asked for a refund they wouldn't refund our money. I told them that wasn't posted anywhere and my husband thought it would give him quarters and that my daughter is 1 year old and won't use the tokens and we can't afford to waste that money...the manager didn't give a shit, she told me flat out no, your fault and we don't do refunds. I lost it and told her that was fucking ridiculous (again, not my best moment) and we went to leave. The doors are locked until they check your stamps so I yelled at the lady that I didn't have a damn stamp I was just there to pick them up OBVIOUSLY. She opened the doors and we went out to the car. I had my head laying on the steering wheel, thinking about the 20$ my husband just wasted that we couldn't afford to do without and I looked up and the lady was staring at me through the window talking to the 2 teenage employees at the counter and laughing. I threw my hands up in the air and mouthed "What???" because I didn't know why it was so damned funny and she freaking FLIPPED ME OFF. In front of all those kids, the MANAGER flipped me off. Nice.

Oh it just gets better.

My grandma called me last night and informed me that my dad had been slurring his speech on the phone with her and she couldn't get ahold of my sister to ask if my dad's ok. My sister was out vising her mother in another town. I get in touch with her finally and ask her what's wrong with dad. She said he got mad and took 15 vicodin, a regular occurrence apparently. I called my gma, told her what was going on, told her he's done it before but I'd like it if she'd go check on him. I called my sister back, told her gma is talking crazy again and she needed to stay at her husband's parents house that night(he is in visiting before he leaves for Iraq...they don't have a house yet because he's leaving) and to avoid gma at all costs. My gma called me, said she was at my dad's and the car was there and the lights were on but he wouldn't come to the door. I called my sister, she headed back into town to unlock the doors. My brother in law called me and told me they got in the house, phone was off the hook dad not there. The neighbors said 2 cop cars and an ambulance had been there. All my brothers and sisters got on the phone w/ different hospitals. Finally found him at the one hospital we all hate. He had tried to kill himself. Took all the medication he had in the house, which is a lot because of his various health problems. They swing by and pick me up on the way to the hospital. I finally gave in and went in to see him. Nobody should ever have to see their dad like that. High as a kite, not knowing who he is, charcoal still staining his teeth and all over his face. He kept passing out and his vitals would crash and none of the dr.s would come check. The dr.s in the next trauma bay over told us we had to leave because of this belligerent drunk woman they were trying to work on yelling at them(they were yelling back telling her they were going to break her arm etc....this hospital royally sucks...it's a teaching hospital and the students are arrogant SOB's). Then we're all waiting in the waiting room and my grandma called to have them let her back in there so he wouldn't be alone, because he kept trying to pull all the stuff off himself and leave. The people inside the ER unlocked the door to let her in and this little gay male nurse (nothing against gay's, I'm not like that...just giving you a mental picture here seriously) got in front of my grandma and said "Excuse me, do you need something?" really pissy. My step sister told him the people inside had just said she could come in, so he punched his little code in on the pad blocking it w/ his other hand so my gma couldn't see and let her in(hello the door was already unlocked dumbass showoff) and then let the other lady through they were taking back. My sister walked by me and said to ME, "I am sick of all the pissy people in this hospital" and this little nurse man turned to us and YELLED "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY, EXCUSE ME DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME?????!!!!" I stepped up and told him she was not talking to him and our private conversation had nothing to do with him, that she was not even looking at him when she said what she said. And he laid into us, screaming! I put my hand up and shooed him away, saying "Move along, move along, move along!" So he couldn't talk, and of course my sister's husband stepped in front of me and started booming at the guy to shut his mouth (He's a marine, you get the picture) and the guy ran through the door. Of course he called security to have us removed...security was 2 little girls, younger than me, my size. Talk about intimidating. They told us the nurse said we had to leave. I told them my father had just tried to kill himself and then a nurse harassed us and WE'RE being asked to leave? She started shooing us out, literally with her hands shooing us, at which point I lost it again. I started screaming at her that this was fucking ridiculous, that my dad was in there half dead and we didn't do a damn thing and yet we had to leave. She told me she didn't care, that we had to leave. I screamed right in her face and told her not to shoo me out and that I hoped her dad tried to kill himself one of these days so she'd know how we all felt at that moment. Again, not my proudest moment...although I'm not really sorry about that comment I admit. All my family lost it and all us kids were yelling as we walked out and I turned and told her she needed to change professions because she was not intimidating at all and just looked downright silly trying to be a security guard. I went home and told my husband what happened. He couldn't believe they'd made us leave when it was THEM who caused all the problems. I played with Hailey for a little bit then put her to bed. I was up most of the night worrying about my dad and so upset about everything. My dad only has one kidney, his other one failed a few years back and had to be removed. If he's ruined this last one, I don't know what'll happen.

Well they don't know about the blood work yet, but my dad is so manipulative he actually made them believe he didn't try to kill himself. He said it was an accident. Which is a total and complete lie. The amount of drugs he took, and the fact that he's been threatening to kill himself for a couple months now...I mean come on. But the stupid hospital let him go home. There is a 72 hour mandatory holding period after somebody tries to kill themselves here(I don't know what it's like other places)...but he got around it. But then again this is the man that after he had his heart attack and was in the ICU pulled out his IV and all the monitors and got dressed and walked out of the hospital and all the way across town and went home...he never did get checked out of the hospital that time. He just left. He's insane. I just can't be around that anymore. I'm done. And now he's mad at all of us for saying he tried to kill himself. When we all pulled together and were there for him last night. UGH what is wrong with my family?

Yummy peepa mommy!

My mother in law asked me to go with her and her parents(in town to see Baby W) out to eat last night. Not one to pass up free food, I said we’d go(and D’s grandparents are really sweet). They chose a certain pizza place that we love, even though my mother in law has only been there once—with Hailey and I—and the grandparents have never been there. Usually when we go, it’s just Hailey and I. We have our little routine, and it always works out great. Last night it didn’t go quite so well. They wanted to choose a table, and sat down. The highchair they’d gotten Hailey was broken, so I went to get a new one while carrying Hailey. I’m used to this, I usually go alone, remember? His grandpa followed me and took the highchair from me even though I obviously had everything under control…I was carrying Hailey on my right hip as usual, and the highchair w/ my left hand, no problem. So he took it from me. I politely told him thanks. So we’re sitting at the table. Finally I ask if we’re going to go order or not. You have to understand, D’s grandma is even worse than my mother in law. The poor woman is just not bright at ALL. She had no idea that there could ever be a pizza place where you are not waited on. And this is not because of her age, believe me. My mother in law had been there before w/ me, but acted the same way as her mom…horrified that they had to get up and actually go to the counter and order. So we get up there and for once I stand up for myself…I told them if it was okay with them, I was going to order a pizza for us, half what D likes and half what Hailey and I like. They asked(although my mother in law had already asked me once on the phone 30 minutes ago) what I get on our pizza…I explained, so they’d understand why they wouldn’t want to share with us(I get funky stuff like artichoke hearts and mushrooms and onions, stuff they would never eat). They order their pizza, and I put in our full usual order including a salad w/ no sprouts for me, a bowl of shredded cheddar cheese for Hailey and milk and soda. I also ordered sodas for them, as they hadn’t even thought about ordering drinks. We go to get our soda, and once again they start grabbing stuff from me. I like order, organization…I like to be in control of what’s going on with myself and Hailey…I know I may seem like I’m being ridiculous, but all this “help” I was getting from them was not only unwanted but it was stressing me out because it was totally throwing out all order in our routine, and our stuff was spread out between 3 other people instead of being nicely contained where I knew where everything was. Maybe this is my OCD coming out, but I just needed them to back off and let me take care of us myself. I went and got our plates and silverware, and explained to them they would need to get their own as the 4 plates I picked up were just enough for Hailey and I between the pizza and salad etc. They refused to use the towel napkins this place has…one of the “unique” things about this place…because that was “gross” and why use those when they have disposable napkins available? We finally get to the table and they begin griping about having to do all this work themselves. I ignored them as best I could. Then when I went to pick up my salad, they were like “You ordered a SALAD?!?!” Then as I was feeding bites of it to Hailey they had to discuss in length the fact that my 16 month old daughter actually eats and likes salad and how weird it is for an adult to like salad let alone a 16 month old…this is what I’m talking about, this is why I hate eating with his family. We have nothing in common when it comes to food. They don’t need or like vegetables and they always talk about how weird I am because I do…and they act like I put on this huge act just to be different and get attention! Ok if I don’t have some sort of veggie w/ every meal I feel disgusting, I’m sorry…it’s how I was raised, we’ve always eaten healthy food! At least this time my father in law and nephew weren’t there, so I didn’t have to put up with my father in law trying to shove chocolate cookies and pudding down my daughter’s throat the whole meal, knowing I don’t allow those things on a weekday(really hardly at all, she’s lucky to ever get anything sweet besides an animal cracker or a bit of ice cream). My nephew always sits there eating like a bird, refusing to eat anything except sweets and soda…and he’s 2 and ½ and they let him…and they think it’s ridiculous that Hailey’s not just like him, because he’s “normal”...can you tell how annoyed I am??? So, back to last night...after the salad was gone, they had to discuss in great lengths the fact that Hailey was eating SO MUCH, when all she’d had was some of my salad, a bowl of cheddar cheese and a jar of carrot/apple/mango baby food that she fed to herself(sneaky way to get her to eat carrots, and of course they were SHOCKED at how she could actually feed herself—imagine, a kid feeding themselves, WOW!!) They act like I overfeed her. Then they griped about how long the pizza was taking(ok it had been 25 minutes and the clock was set to 30 minutes, hello be patient) and they exclaimed very loudly that pizza hut NEVER takes that long(seriously? Pizza Hut takes an hour!) I tried to change the subject by explaining that they make their own dough and everything, and pointing out the “dough tunnel” and stairs, where the little kids can stand and the workers will throw balls of dough through the tunnel over the glass to them to play with. They did not grasp the concept. I tried for 5 minutes to explain it to the grandma…the grandpa had given up trying to understand…my mother in law didn’t care anything about what I was saying…finally I gave up and changed the subject again. Finally the pizza came, and Hailey chowed down. But they’d messed up our routine so much, that she was really antsy and not focused, so she grabbed my plate and promptly told me I was “all done!” and then wanted to jump on my lap while yelling at the people behind us. She NEVER acts like that there. So I got firm with her, something that by the looks my inlaws gave me I take it they didn’t like…all I did was look her in the eyes, hold her arms firmly, and tell her to settle down NOW and I stood her next to my chair and ignored her cutesy pleading “Mom-MEE!” They looked at me like I was the most horrible mother EVER(they don’t reprimand my nephew, ever…they tell him very sweetly not to do something, and then let him do it anyway) and you know what, she settled down and wanted to sit down in her chair. Hm, think I know my own kid, thanks. By the end of the meal my mother in law had warped back into one of her “moods” where she acts like she hates me and they rushed off. I don’t know if it’s the new baby making them all act freaky or what, but my in-laws are driving me INSANE these past couple days. My mother in law is now trying to tell me when I can go to the hospital and when I can’t…even though my sister in law told me to come by tonight with Hailey and take more pictures for her, apparently my mother in law has it in her head I am not allowed to be there unless they are as well?? God forbid, I spend 15 more minutes with the baby than they get to. Even though they were there all freaking day yesterday and I didn’t even go by because they wanted to see Hailey and take us out to eat, which I gave in to even though my sister in law had begged me to come keep her company each day she was there! I’m just sick of how controlling they are, sick of how they act like I’m a freaking weirdo and after 8 years of being with D still making me feel like an outsider…I’m tired of them flaunting how much they help my brother and sister in law, rubbing it in to make me feel like crap. I’m tired of my mother in law voicing her opinion about us about Hailey, all while acting like she doesn’t even care if she gets to see her or anything, while flaunting how much she LOVES my nephew. I’m just tired of it all, and they’re driving me to the point where I’m just going to not try anymore. It’s starting to feel oddly familiar…it feels like it did when D and I moved in together, and then when I was pregnant, and right after I had Hailey. These people will never be happy with anything we do, will continue to try to control our lives while showing as minimal interest as necessary in our daughter, and continue to try and make it seem like it’s our fault they never get to see her etc. etc. I could go on and on. It’ll never end. This post is really jumbled I know, but I just have all these thoughts and feelings in my head that I can’t get sorted out.

Ok now that that’s out… everything else is going great. It’s Friday, YAY!! I’m hanging out with my mom tonight. Tomorrow if it’s nice, we plan on going swimming. Sunday my sister is riding down to my grandma’s with Hailey and I, to meet the family for dinner. Monday I have off work, thank GOD(I’ve been so busy but so bored here lately!). The weather is still beautiful out, Hailey really enjoyed the ride home last night, with both front windows open blowing the cool breeze on her while she relaxed in her car seat. Things are still great with D and I, and he’s falling totally in love with Hailey all over again, just like I knew he would when he started spending more time with her. It’s killing him now that school’s back in session, he misses her so much…to the point where he’s calling me and making me put her on the phone, and even getting up EARLY to see her on his 1 day to sleep in!!! Things are just perfect, and I feel so positive about life…no matter what’s happened lately, it hasn’t gotten me down. It’s a great feeling!!

This and that

It’s been one of those days…

First off, this whole baby thing has be in a bit of a bad mood. I went to see new baby W last night. He wasn’t in the room when I got there, they were suctioning him out some more since he was having problems getting all the mucous out. I didn’t mind, I was there to see my sister in law just as much as I was there to see the baby. I talked to her for a while, asking how she’s doing etc. My in-laws were there. I think that’s what really started it. They were being so incredibly annoying. They were getting my nephew (who’s 2 and ½ yrs.) all riled up and making him scream. It just irritated me how disrespectful they were being to the other moms in the hospital who were probably trying to get some rest. And my sister in law had been through enough, she shouldn’t have to keep getting onto her oldest son repeatedly…she just didn’t need that. But my in-laws weren’t thinking about her at all, all they cared about was the baby. Then the baby talk started. It drives me up the WALL how instead of talking correctly, they call things what W calls them. For instance, he calls dogs “gogs,” so instead of saying “do you want to go see the dogs?” they say “let’s go see the gogs!!” Hello, that’s not teaching him anything. He’s 2 and a half and he can’t speak a single full sentence, and while this is normal for some children I’m starting to see that it may be quite a while before he starts to talk with the examples he gets from my in-laws! You have to understand…he’s with them ALL THE TIME. But that’s a whole other story. Anyway, so they start asking him if he wants some “Cocket Mulk”…in proper English, “chocolate milk”…it drove me up the wall to hear them repeat the mispronounced words to him OVER and OVER. I’m sorry if that seems petty, but these people are so odd and I cannot stress how hard it is to spend any time around them at all without acting pissy. As if that wasn’t bad enough, when my sister in law was finally feeding the baby she said to me “I’ll hurry with this so you can finally hold him Erin”…and my mother in law exploded…”ERIN, why ERIN, what about ME!?!?!” I looked at her with a look of shock on my face. She is the most immature 50-something year old woman I have ever met. I sternly told her that I had not even SEEN the baby yet, let alone held him. She said “Well I’ve only held him for like 3 minutes!!” Ok she’d been there all morning. The woman is just nuts. I really try to get along with her, really try to tolerate her, LIKE her even, but it’s just not working. I told her that was ridiculous, and jokingly said “I will fight you for him you know, I’m pretty sassy!” My brother in law finished feeding the baby while my mother in law whipped out her photo album devoted solely to big brother W, which is another thing that annoys the crap out of me. Do they have an album for Hailey??? Hell no. So my sister in law and I start comparing the 2 boys, noting their differences and similarities. My sister in law pointed out that the outfit big brother W wore home from the hospital was the one I bought him, the very first gift my sister in law ever got when she was pregnant with him. I thought that was very sweet that they picked that outfit as his going home outfit. She asked me what Hailey went home in, and I honestly told her I have no clue. My mother in law blew up again. “You don’t have a CLUE, what do you mean, you don’t REMEMBER?” I told her I didn’t pick out anything special, and we didn’t take pictures or anything of her going home or arriving home like my brother and sister in law did, so I don’t remember. She actually had the nerve to say to me “God, what horrible parents!!” I politely reminded her “You have to understand, I did not WANT a baby, I wasn’t into doing all that cutesy baby memory family crap!” What I really wanted to do, was scream at the top of my lungs “Can I not get it through your thick head that I did not WANT a baby, and that I was not only not giddy about coming home with Hailey but I was on the verge of a BREAKDOWN because of the whole situation!?!?! Do you not remember the grief you caused us in the hospital by calling and screaming/cussing at us over the phone the night before we came home????” etc. etc. Seriously, to this day I think she thinks we planned Hailey. I honestly think she thinks I put on a huge act, how miserable I was and unhappy I was after she was born. She never offered help. She basically ignored the fact that I even existed. All that mattered is that they could drop by last minute at 9:00 at night and see Hailey. And they thought I was incredibly rude when I didn’t sit and converse with them while laughing and smiling. GRRRRRRRRRRR Ok the visit at the hospital yesterday just brought back TONS of bad memories, and tons of horrible feelings of resentment towards my in-laws for making a bad situation even worse for me. As if all that wasn’t enough, when I was getting ready to leave the hospital my mother in law chose THAT time to give my sister in law a huge gift of Bath and Body Works stuff…a special scent she’d gone to great lengths to find and buy, because she knew how much my sister in law loves in. Ok when I was in the hospital after Hailey was born she yelled to my husband on the phone tons of horrible things about me that weren’t true, even going so far as to call me names(all while he’s rocking our newborn daughter mind you, and I’m trying to dr. my horrible swollen hooha) Thanks ma, LOVELY gift. Why does she treat us so differently?? And it was almost like she wanted me to see her give the gift, like rubbing it in my face. I promptly hugged my sister in law, who begged me to come back and keep her company, and left. I went home, got on my sister in law’s email account like she’d asked me to, did a few things for her that needed to be done, esp. w/ the pictures I’d taken for her…and went to bed in a grumpy mood. I woke up this morning tired, but fine. I came to work and was showing a couple of my coworkers the new baby pictures. I was telling them how I was surprised that seeing the baby didn’t make me have the urge to have one of my own like I thought it would. I thought I’d feel jealous of my sister in law and start wanting a baby more than ever. Maybe my in-laws had something to do with me not feeling like that, but anyway, I didn’t feel like that when I left…I was just happy for them and thought he was a cute baby. That’s all. So I was telling my coworker how D and I have been talking lately about when we might try for another baby and how I was glad the visit didn’t make me want another one right now, and my coworker says “Well you don’t need to have another one til D gets a job anyway!!!” I was shocked. And quite pissed to be honest. That is none of her business, and it wasn’t for her to say! I told her that even if we got pregnant now D would have a job before the baby was born, but we’re not trying anytime soon so that didn’t matter!! It really hurt my feelings that she said this. It just added to my feelings that my mother in law had started the night before. Nobody would be happy if we announced the fact that we’re having another baby, no matter when it happened…what is it about us??? It can’t be money…my brother and sister in law are going through bankruptcy for goodness sakes, and my in laws were still overjoyed to hear of the impending arrival!! But if we were to get pregnant…well it’d be the end of the world. Even though this time we’re married, they would still be ashamed. My in-laws bawled, out of sorrow and disappointment, when they found out about Hailey. And they didn’t share the news with ANYBODY like they did when my sister in law was pregnant both times. And I know that’s how it’s going to be with our next one. And it just breaks my heart. The only thing I know to do, is just not care. Just try to focus on us as our own little family…just D, Hailey and I…and worry about us being happy and what’s right for us. And I already decided long ago that the birth of the next baby will be completely different. I gave in last time, and told the in-laws we’d call them when I went to the hospital…because they insisted they would be furious with us if we didn’t. But after all the drama that happened, with them being furious that we called D’s brother before we told the in-laws Hailey was born, because they didn’t like her name or the way it was spelled…after them barging in my room while I was in so much pain and so out of it, and acting like I wasn’t even there while talking bad about what we named her, and them taking pictures while holding her with pissed off looks on their faces…I’m not taking the chance on that happening again. Next time, we will call them after Hailey’s born, after we’ve had time to bond and breastfeed etc. Then they can come and see her, preferably when I’ve moved to my permanent room where there isn’t blood still splattered all over the floor. That just seems like the best thing for us. They will be very mad…but I’m done with caring about their feelings, as they so obviously don’t give a crap about ours.

SO…now that I’ve got that vent out…

It is a beautiful day here!! 84 degrees, sunny…this is the weather I LOVE…it’s starting to feel like fall!! I’m so anxious!! I absolutely love this time of the year! I love being able to open up the windows and air out the house!! There’s nothing like feeling the nice cool breeze flow from room to room. It’s so hard to stay in a cruddy mood with great weather like this!

A secretary at one of the schools sent me some chocolate today. I thought that was very sweet of her! Really brightened my day!!

I’ve finally started reading the last Harry Potter book, YAY!! I’m only on page 45 or so, but so far it’s pretty good.

When my husband called me yesterday (yes, he’s even CALLING me now!!) I recounted to him the story of how I killed the most ginormous spider EVER right outside our front door that very morning, without freaking out and screaming like a little girl. Even though it was resting a mere 10 inches from my daughter’s feet. And I am deathly afraid of spiders. And did I mention how ginormous it was??? I told him how it was WAY bigger than the spider he’d killed the night before. He asked me what kind it was, and that was that. Then he gets home last night. I’m already in bed. He comes in the bedroom, and starts going on and on about how HUGE this spider I killed was, WAY bigger than his spider, and how proud of me he is. I know this whole thing may seem silly…but it really meant a lot to me when he praised me like that! If you’ve read previous posts, you know how my husband is…for him to make a big deal out of something that seemed pretty insignificant to him but was a huge deal for me is not something he ever does…so it really meant a lot to me.

A couple of my old friends from highschool in KS have been posting old pictures of themselves and their friends from their highschool/college years on MySpace. I got out our old photo albums, from ’99 up until about 2004(when life got in the way and I quit having time to actually put pictures in albums) and I realized something…while my friends were all hanging out together in big groups of girls, being silly together and having a blast…I was with D. All the time. I didn’t go to college, so I didn’t have that whole experience. Since my Junior year of highschool, it’s been just me and D for the most part. I mean of course we each have other friends, but ALL the pictures I have from that time period…all those years…are of us. Being silly, having a blast, experiencing life together. I thought maybe I’d feel sad that I didn’t get those years with my friends, that I didn’t have the experiences that they did…but I realized I didn’t feel sad at all…I think it’s so neat that my husband and I have been together so long, and that we’ve been able to experience half our teenage and all of our adult lives together. We’ve got all these inside jokes and memories together…I love it that I share those things with my husband instead of a group of girls I probably won’t have any contact with in a few more years. And it was incredibly neat to see how much we’ve grown up and changed. Hell we’ve seen each other nearly every day for the past 8 years…we don’t notice the changes. But looking at these pictures, WOW we looked like little kids!! We were so cute! I think back to those times, and how I felt…I never would have thought that after all these years we’d still be together, more in love that ever, and married with a little girl. I realized all over again how lucky I am…these past couple years I’ve been worrying and complaining so much, but what the hell am I complaining about? I have my dream…I’m married to my best friend and I have a wonderful little girl! I’m not un-lucky at all!