Not again

This is a pretty negative post...I'll do a more positive one about the weekend later when I can add a couple pictures. Sorry, this is all I've got right now...Our weekend was too busy to enjoy, once again. I am starting to hate the holidays because D's family insists on spending way too much time with us and then we have to squeeze in time for us to see my mom and Hailey ends up being over tired...it's just not fun anymore. Saturday started off great. We got up, my mom came over and we went to the Easter egg hunt at the school my mom works at. They had the little kids one in this little fenced playground area. Hailey found eggs and had a really good time playing and she even got to see baby goats and huge rabbits. We went to eat lunch at her favorite place (Subway) and went home and it all went downhill from there. We were just about to get her down for a nap when she found ants on our living room floor...those little piss ants. I flipped out, I cannot STAND bugs in my house. They were gathered by the hundreds under some stacks of folded clean clothes I had on the living room floor!! I had to rewash all the clothes and I vacuumed the whole house, I was so disgusted. So of course Hailey didn't get a nap. I thought she'd sleep in the car on the way to my brother in law's for my nephew W's 3rd birthday party at 3:00 but she didn't fall asleep til the very end of their dirt road! By the end of the party she was having a melt down from not wanting to leave and then all of a sudden wanting to leave RIGHT THAT SECOND and I just lost it and yelled at her and put her in time out twice. I feel like I was so mean to her. But D's in Oklahoma, I'm doing this all myself right now and his family(as in his mom, grandma and grandpa) was STRESSING ME OUT BIGTIME at the party with comments they made (thanking God they didn't have to deal w/ Hailey during her tantrum, asking my sister in law what time would be good for her for Easter and once again planning the day around them and her kids' schedule(they get up at 5:30 in the freaking morning!) and not even caring that ours is COMPLETELY different(Hailey doesn't wake up til 9:30 or 10:00) and making sure we had enough time to do OUR stuff too...taking Hailey outside to play and then completely ignoring her when she would try to talk to or play with them because they were so focused on W(and I couldn't go outside because the cold wind was making my asthma act up)--things like that) so then we go to leave and their front porch steps don't have a railing...5 steps down to concrete...I told Hailey to hold my hand and she said "No I NOT hold your hand!" but I never thought she would really try to go down the steps, and I was tired so my judgement was clouded, so instead of making her take my hand I turned around to shut the door and as I was turning back I saw her falling and it was too late to catch her and she fell from the top step straight down to the bottom and landed w/ all her weight on her FACE. Then she fell to the side onto the ground and started screaming and crying. I threw my stuff down and scooped her up and my sister in law came out to see what happened, so I'm crying because of what happened to Hailey and then I'm thinking to myself GOD they think I"m a horrible parent already because I actually discipline my child, now they're REALLY going to think I'm horrible because W's never fallen down those stairs and now Hailey has. I made sure she was ok before putting her in the car and then she fell asleep so I was paranoid she'd given herself a concussion although I knew she was just exhausted from the day. I cried all the way home. As soon as I was within range of a cell tower I called my mom and asked her to come to my house. Hailey was okay, not a mark on her. I'm still shaken up by it and feel absolutely horrible. I feel like a horrible mother. D's grandpa called me and invited me out to dinner with them and I told them what happened (they weren't there when it happened) and I was crying into the phone and his grandpa LAUGHED and said "Oh she'll be fine. We'll see you tomorrow." GRRR

Yesterday morning started off great. Hailey did her egg hunt and had a good time. I made my salad to take to the inlaws (that my mother in law told me to bring even though she knows I don't like to bring food places) and got myself ready. It was already noon and my mother in law told me to be there by then so we could eat at lunchtime. I hurried to get Hailey in her outfit and hair fixed and she didn't want any of it. I tried to take pictures of her, I got a few that are halfway decent before she had a meltdown. I lost it because I was so stressed and frustrated at having to hurry my child at yet another holiday. I took off her dress and yelled at her that she was a bad girl and pitched this boxed game to the other side of her room on the floor that she'd wanted to play with and got up and told her she was in time out and walked out of her room and shut the door. GAH! I felt horrible! I was taking it out on her and I knew it and I feel HORRIBLE about it! I went back in there after a few minutes and asked if I could come in. She was so pitiful. She said "Yea." She was just sitting there holding the game. Talk about breaking my heart. :( I opened it for her and she told me "Thanks Mommy!" and brightened up and I told her I was sorry for throwing a fit and yelling at her and she said "I sorry too Mommy" and we agreed to have a good day from there on out. Well then come to find out, my sister and brother in law were 1.5 hours late getting there!! And she had the ham! Which takes 2 hours to cook! (They were supposed to get there at 11 because of the ham). So needless to say we hurried for nothing and didn't even get to eat til after 2:30!!!!!! And Hailey was so tired from no nap again that she was throwing a mini-fit at the table til my father in law (the only one I can stand!!) saw I was starting to panic a bit and hurried into the kitchen to help me. He took her and calmed her down and let her sit on his lap while she ate so I could eat but my mil's grandparents who are normally sweet people said ANOTHER comment that got to me about the kids acting up--they said "Isn't this SO MUCH FUN!?" ??? Was that necessary, when I was already so stressed??? They didn't play with her at all and then when I went to leave at like 4:30 they acted all sad "Oh you're leaving already??" and then didn't even try to hug Hailey bye... Thank God for D's dad showing SOME genuine interest in Hailey. Oh his grandma even made the comment to me "I was hoping she'd be in a pretty little dress..." after I'd JUST explained why she was in her comfy sweat suit--because of her stressful weekend and absolute refusal to wear the dress I thought she really needed to just be in nice comfy warm clothes!

My mom came over last night and Hailey woke up from a short nap and was so tired that at first she told me my mom wasn't there! Like she wanted her to leave! I felt so bad. My mom always gets her leftover grumpy time at holidays. But for some reason I can't grow some balls and stand up to my inlaws about holidays! Anything else, yea, but holidays I just have an issue with telling them we can't come...I guess I don't want anybody to be mad at us or upset and his mom always makes such a big deal over us being there for the holidays and then she plans nothing and it's all a mess! And they don't even pay attention much to Hailey except my father in law but my mother in law is so damn touchy and ridiculous, if we don't come she pitches a huge fit and acts like a teenager and like refuses to talk to us forever. I'm just upset w/ how the weekend went when I was so looking forward to it--and that's how each holiday is these days. It's really getting to me. I'm wishing we lived far away from his family so we had the excuse to just stay home on holidays. That would be so nice once in a while. To just leisurely wake up, make some breakfast, take time to open presents or Easter egg hunt or whatever the holiday calls for, and just enjoy being together. Not have to rush here and there, make sure we get to my inlaws in time to mesh with W's schedule, have D's grandparents make comments (happens every time) if the kids aren't acting like angels like the kids on the OTHER side of the family (like the boy who can recite the pledge of allegiance and is potty trained at 2.5 yrs. old--big DEAL come on!), keep Hailey up from her naps so she's cranky later etc. etc. I've told D, myself and my mom that this year for Christmas we're doing xmas eve at his parents house and xmas day at home and at my mom's. Last year was HORRIBLE, a disaster, we're not going through that again. Hailey had nothing to open while little W had millions of presents, she got her feelings very hurt, didn't get a nap, D and I fought because of tension w/ his family and again my mom got the tired cranky leftover time w/ Hailey by the time we got to her house. So, I've said this...but am I really going to have the guts to tell them we just can't do this at every holiday anymore? I want Hailey to enjoy holidays like I did as a kid. Our family split up the days and traded off holidays. You'd think my inlaws would be okay with this, but nope. They have to have us every single holiday, because in my mother in law's words "Christmas Eve isn't CHRISTMAS!"

I really didn't want to come into work this morning. My stomach issues started up again last night, making me really nauseous. I woke up this morning still feeling sick. I'm almost to the point where I don't care if we ever have a nice house, as long as we have some decent and I can stay home and raise the kids and not work or only work part time even...I just cannot deal with having to push my body to do so much much longer. I'm just getting worse and worse. I'm sure lack of rest and the added stress from my job are not helping.

My mom has Hailey today, they're on Spring Break from school. Hopefully they have a good day today. I get off 1/2 hr. early at least, thank God.

And that's the end of my rant...for now at least...