Things I Love

~Soft cuddly socks~

~Big comfy sweatshirts~
~Free coffee at work~
~Homemade cookies from my mom~
~Hot tea~
~Snuggle time with Hailey~
~My furry leopard print blanket~
~Finding a new show I like on TV~
~Pink Starbursts~
~Vanilla Lattes from Starbucks~
~A great coupon~
~Fruit crisp~
~Handmedowns~
~A clean kitchen~
~Cool Fall weather~
~Brownies~
~My blue fluffy oversized bathrobe~
~Days off from work when I pretend I'm a SAHM~
~Eating downtown~
~Holidays~
~A good home cooked meal~
~Quilts~
~Fried apples~
~Wheat pennies~
~A soda (or 2) a day~

What are some of your favorite things?

New Shows!

I finally found a couple new shows on TV that I really like. I am LOVING my DVR...I'm not missing an episode! I absolutely LOVE Ashley Paige: Bikini or Bust on TLC...I don't know what made me even watch this show, but I watch it every single week. I love her mom, she is so sweet and innocent and I love how Ashley treats her so nicely even when she does something devastating that sets Ashley back. I love how she does not for profit work (or tries to) and I don't know, the show is just really entertaining. My 2nd new show is Must Love Kids, also on TLC. As a child of a single mom I've always wondered what it would be like dating w/ kids (and let's be honest, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two what it would be like for me if I ever did leave D). I am so sad that I forgot to tape the 2nd episode...I thought I had the DVR programmed for weekly...maybe D erased it, hmmmm. Anyway I was sure to tape the 3rd episode last night! Can't wait to watch it!!

My weekly lineup of "Can't Miss" shows now consists of:

Monday night--Jon and Kate Plus 8, TLC

Tuesday night--Must Love Kids, TLC

Friday night--Ashley Paige, TLC

Can you tell I love TLC??? :) I also loved the show The Next Food Network Star, but the last show was just this past week! Looking forward to next season!

Things I Love

~Soft cuddly socks~

~Big comfy sweatshirts~
~Free coffee at work~
~Homemade cookies from my mom~
~Hot tea~
~Snuggle time with Hailey~
~My furry leopard print blanket~
~Finding a new show I like on TV~
~Pink Starbursts~
~Vanilla Lattes from Starbucks~
~A great coupon~
~Fruit crisp~
~Handmedowns~
~A clean kitchen~
~Cool Fall weather~
~Brownies~
~My blue fluffy oversized bathrobe~
~Days off from work when I pretend I'm a SAHM~
~Eating downtown~
~Holidays~
~A good home cooked meal~
~Quilts~
~Fried apples~
~Wheat pennies~
~A soda (or 2) a day~

What are some of your favorite things?

Yep, I'm still here...

I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth. We've been so busy w/ everything going on it's been hard to find a spare moment to do ANYTHING, let alone sit down and write a blog post. I hate that my life is always so busy, I want down time, I want ME time and FAMILY time.

Which is what I'm choosing to write about today.

I could write about the old fat lady in Walmart that stopped me and asked how old Hailey was and then told me I need to be putting dresses on her. And how that really pissed me off but how I amazingly enough kept my cool.

I could write about how much I love my new house. But we're all sick of hearing that right? And who really wants to see my nerdy before and after pictures of my carpet...before I cleaned it, and after, WOOHOO! Ok I was really excited about that. But I'll spare you.

I could write about my friend's upcoming baby shower I'm hosting, and my plans for that.

I could write about how I'm thinking of opening an Etsy shop, which plays into this whole "more ME time" thing...I'm craving a hobby, I haven't had one for YEARS. Hailey and I painted an apron for her last night and it was so fun..and messy, and you know what, I loved it and it was so relaxing!! I have all these images of stuff to make in my head, but don't have all the supplies yet and it's really frustrating me.

But what I'm choosing to write about today is the fact that my husband has disappointed me yet again. I know you're all sick of hearing it. I know that's all I seem to write about. So I wasn't going to write about this. I was going to try and keep my personal stuff personal for once. But I can't. I'm just so deeply upset by it. Not like "boohoo" upset, but just...so let down. So bummed about it.

It all started Sunday night. We'd had a GREAT weekend. Fun, productive...I wasn't ready for it to end. I made the comment that I can't wait til D gets a permanent full time job so I can finally be a stay at home mom and never have to get the Sunday night blues again. And then he dropped the bomb that shattered my dreams and ruined our perfect weekend. The bomb that ended up keeping us up til well after 2:00 in the morning arguing, while I bawled hysterically almost the whole time.

He told me I'll never be a stay at home mom. Ever. That he's not working so I can stay at home and be lazy. Even though in the past we've talked about it, a LOT, about how I can't wait to be able to stay home and clean all day and take care of Hailey and take her to do fun things...and our other kids too. And he agreed that's the right thing to do and even bragged to his brother that I would LOVE to be a SAHM when his wife wants to be anything BUT a SAHM (which pisses me off because she was one for a while and hated it and chose to go back to work). But all of a sudden, for whatever reason, his feeling on the issue has changed. I would think maybe it was just because he was dreading going back to work the next day just as much as I was...but this went way beyond that. It ended up turning into this huge thing, where it was obvious he didn't give a crap about my dreams or my happiness. He informed me that the field he's going into doesn't make money and that he's going into this field so he can be happy with his job. He won't be making much money at all. So there's no way I can stay home. Ever. I told him there's no way I'll ever be able to have any more kids if I have to keep working, with the daycare rates around here. "Oh well" he says. I told him that it's so unfair of him to spend $20,000 of our money to get this degree to get a job he likes and make next to nothing...it's so unfair that he gets to be happy and I have to bust my butt every day at a job that (let's be honest here) I hate, and think about my kid all day and miss her like crazy, then go home exhausted after work to try and clean the house and clean the messes HE'S made and feed us all dinner and clean up from that and get Hailey her bath and not get much fun time w/ her at all. Just so he can have a job he likes. His response? "Get a job you do like." Um, hello, sweetie, jobs I would enjoy don't pay squat. Like try $6.50 an hour, if that. And that doesn't take care of the fact that somebody else is raising my kid for me while I bust my butt just to keep us afloat. And it's always been my dream to be able to raise my own kids, because my mom was in the same boat I am now when I was a kid and I hated it, I never saw her and when I did she was always stressed and tired. AND, me getting a job I like doesn't help the problem of us not being able to afford more than one kid in daycare. So basically I get to continue working at a high paying job I hate, not get hardly any time with the one kid I do have and can never EVER have anymore kids because we can't afford daycare for two...so he can be happy working his low paying job that he loves. He doesn't care. He doesn't care that I don't get any of my dreams, that it's our kid's life he's impacting. I'm not asking to be rich, I'm just asking for him to be a man and support his family so I can FINALLY enjoy my child's life. And have another baby, because that's ALL I've ever wanted in life, is to have kids. All I ever strived to be was a mom. Even though it happened sooner than I would have liked for financial purposes and for other reasons like me not being sure I wanted to stay with D for the long haul...that's what happened, but now I can't even enjoy her. Or myself. Or anything. And it's all because of him, and he doesn't care. He has told me before that he "has to look out for #1." IMO, that's not something a husband that loves his wife and daughter would say, let alone feel. I bawled, I was so devastated. No more kids. No more time with Hailey. Shit job I hate for the rest of my life. Isn't that something great to look forward to?

I woke up Monday morning with my eyes so puffy there's no way I could leave the house, let alone wake up Hailey...I would have scared her. I seriously looked scary. I finally got the swelling to go down enough with cold compresses to go into work. I could tell my boss genuinely felt for me. I didn't go into detail, but they see how D treats me, and she knew something was wrong. When I dropped Hailey off at daycare the sitter gave me that look and told me not to worry, I just looked really tired. I tried to get past it. I was afraid D was going to leave, which is something he said he was going to do. So I didn't bother him all day. I was shocked when he called me and was very nice at the end of the work day. Relieved, I let the issue go.

Tuesday was our 2 year anniversary. I really tried to enjoy it. D actually came and took me to lunch. At the end of the day I came home to flowers and a card. I felt bad, I hadn't done ANYTHING for him. We went to dinner, it was nice. We also went to see the new Batman movie which was awesome. The rest of the week has been fine. I haven't mentioned anything to him.

But I'm so hurt. My dreams are never going to happen. It is just so...I don't know the words...just such a huge disappointment to be told that not a single one of your lifelong dreams is going to happen. And it's not like I was dreaming of being a millionaire or a movie star or traveling the world. I just wanted kids. And to be able to raise them myself and enjoy my time with them. That's all. I didn't think that was much to ask. Apparently I was wrong.

I took this from Courtney over at Small Town SAHM. She was unhappy with her score just as I'm unhappy about mine...but for different reasons. I've always wanted to be more old-fashioned, I'm not one to strive to be a "modern woman." But apparently I have failed completely at the whole "old-fashioned" thing...

6 As a 1930s wife, I am Very Poor (Failure) Take the test!

I am shocked to report that pecan pie actually isn't half bad. I actually like it. Weird.

Better day

So I'm in a better mood today. Believe it or not, last night actually went as planned. **GASP!!** I was home by 4:30 (I'm totally loving how close I live to the sitter now!) and after piddling around, having a snack, shaving, getting our stuff together...we still had an hour to go before her lessons started! D decided to go which shocked the hell out of me. I'm glad he did because I would have been so nervous and confused without him. When I got inside the place I had no idea where to go. It's my old highschool but I never went inside the pool building!! I took bowling for PE. :) Hailey had a good time. She threw some minor fits because she wanted me to let her go but finally I just flat out told her that if I let her go she'll sink to the bottom and die. Pretty blunt I know, but it got her to quit pitching a fit. She knows what dying is because she accidentally kills roly polies sometimes (read: she bends them backwards or rips them in half--on accident of course) and I get onto her and tell her that now it's dead and will never come back to life to play with her. I firmly believe in telling the truth when it comes to things like that. Anyway she loved it so much she wasn't ready to get out of the water when the lesson was over. I, on the other hand, was freezing my ass off and SO ready to get out! I can't wait to take her back tonight though, even though I'm dreading the cold water. After we got home I made her dinner and she ate a TON! She even drank her milk from her big girl cup really well...she got her first fat lip at daycare yesterday so she can't use a sippy very well without it hurting. After dinner I was going to give her a bath but she was so worn out from swimming she told me she needed to just go to bed! I was shocked! So we skipped bath time, read WallE and went straight to bed! I woke up at 10:00 and went to my own bed and got some much needed sleep! (Except for my husband waking me up when he got home because he wanted to know where some video tapes of him in Canada are...like I know!! He actually turned on our bedroom light to look for them! He has some nerve! And then Hailey woke up at 1:00 for about 45 minutes, no idea why...but I still got extra sleep!) So I'm in a better mood today...the problems and issues are still there but I'm feeling more positive about everything and feeling more proactive about the situations. I'm hoping tonight goes as well as last night did.

I have to say that I am totally loving my new kitchen. I LOVE how it's set up, I LOVE my counter space, I LOVE how my cabinets aren't old and grubby but newer and clean. My floor doesn't look forever dirty like the linoleum at the old place did--that nasty industrial crappy looking stuff--because the kitchen and bathrooms have tile floors at our new place...I love it! And I totally LOVE my new appliances! I don't even care that my dishwasher and stove are Hotpoint because they are NEW and they work!! And they look nice! And my fridge, OMG we are in love with that thing. The fridge is new, and it's BIG, and it cools everything evenly!!! No more spoiling milk on one side or frozen milk on the other!! It's amazing!! It has a huge freezer too, I actually have a ton of room in there now! We also love our huge master bedroom. I thought our old room was a decent size...this one is huge! We even have a little dressing area w/ extra closet space and a light. I am SO incredibly glad I made the decision to rent one of these duplexes. They are extremely nice and well kept, in a VERY quiet and safe area, more convenient for our commutes, Hailey LOVES it there, we have TONS more space...and the rent is incredibly cheap for the size and age of this place and the area that it's in. They are seriously the best deal in town, no doubt about it. Now I know why they go so fast and why people stay for long periods of time when they get one. My husband kept saying (you know the D...y Downer that he is...) that we'll be moving again in a year because I will find something about this place I don't like. I finally told him that actually, he's completely wrong...I'm afraid we're going to HAVE to move in a year because of his stupid job and I'm not going to want to leave this place! That shut him up!

Tired

So I didn't end up going to my sister's house after the fireworks on the 4th. My dad had to be a turd, like always, and make them go ahead and do the fireworks before we got there. Or so they said. Whatever, I didn't really care! I was very happy to just go home and go to bed. It was 11:00 when we got home from just the city fireworks! Hailey didn't like them this year. She kept telling me all day, as we were cleaning the old place, that she was going to watch fireworks that night that went way high up in the sky with the helicopters. There were helicopters, there were fireworks, but she didn't watch them! She made me cover her ears tight with my hands and even cover her eyes! She did watch some of them reflecting on a car, she told me "Mommy there's fireworks on the car!" and then she told me "Daddy's watching the fireworks!" and then she covered her eyes for the rest of the show. Silly girl. She told me they were too loud and too bright. Maybe next year...

Saturday I went to the wedding instead of shampooing the carpets at the old place. They looked clean enough and I was just DONE with that place, ready to be free of it!! The wedding was boring, as always. I'm just not a wedding person. Especially since it's really hard to sit and watch people so in love when my husband and I are still not doing so hot. Yep, I'm bitter. But whatever. My sister in law showed up at the reception thank GOD, so at least I had somebody to talk to. My inlaws totally pissed my husband and I off, haha imagine that! They completely ignored Hailey the whole time my nephew was around. Then when my nephew left they acted SERIOUSLY depressed, no joke it was ridiculous, and they wouldn't talk to or play with Hailey at all. We just left, we didn't want to be there anyway. Hailey fell asleep on the way home and I couldn't get her to wake up at ALL til 8:00!!! Then we had a friend come over (A that watched Hailey the week I was without a sitter) and we took Hailey to my mom's to stay the night so the three of us could just drink and hang out, which I NEVER EVER EVER get to do. We went to get our favorite pizza and had just gotten home when my mom called and informed me Hailey was NOT going to stay at her house. She told my mom that she would stay and play and eat but then she was going home to her own bed. Sure enough, midnight comes along and my mom brought her home. I spent the next 2 hours trying to get her to sleep. So, once again, I didn't get a break...by the time I passed out in bed from exhaustion at 3:00 I wasn't even thinking straight. Hailey's morning poop woke her up WAY too early at 8:30 the next morning so she wasn't in the greatest mood Sunday. Neither of us were. Once again I had to seem like the over bearing annoying freakishly worrisome bitch of a wife in front of D's friend on Sunday...finally I just had to leave the house. He was not helping me do anything at all, was skipping out on the plans we had that day, and I just lost it. I took the keys back to the old place, thank God I'm done with that. I left them a rent check. Hopefully now I'll get some of my deposit back and that's all with that.

Yesterday evening my mom took Hailey outside to play (because where we live now there aren't 100 Mexicans around eying down my little girl, and there's no traffic at all, it's marvelous!!) and I passed out. I literally could not stay awake, it was BAD. I am overdoing it. I know I am. But I can't help it. There's a million things to be done. I'm so so so happy at the new place. I really am. But I'm sort of feeling myself sliding back into a slump and I know it's because I'm so tired and so busy. But I'm very short with people, even Hailey...I'm finding myself feeling sort of down even though nothing's wrong. I'm feeling crappy about everything. I should be having so much fun, in our new place, Hailey starting swimming lessons tonight, etc. etc. but all I can think of is the huge list of tasks I need to complete, the huge list of bills I need to pay, how my husband keeps telling me his motto about life is "Who cares!?!", and on and on and on. What the heck is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can I not make myself get on a schedule? Is it because I always have a million things going on and don't have TIME for a set schedule? I'm resenting work big time because they're not giving me any time off to take care of any crap at all. I keep telling myself I'll do this and this and this when I get off work, then I'll get Hailey in bed by 8:30 and then myself in bed by 10. That NEVER happens. I'm always just getting out of Hailey's room at about 10:00, then I have chores to do, then I don't get into bed til well after midnight. I'm not sleeping well at the new place because our bedrooms are upstairs now and much hotter than I'm used to. I need to be COLD to sleep. But I can't afford to turn the air way down at night. Which leads me to yet another problem...the fact that I can't get my husband to stop pissing away money like we're rich. He spends at least 10$ a day on just food and snacks alone, if not 20$ on some days. Random Gatorade's here, McD's there even though I've made dinner...he just doesn't care. We don't have money for groceries because of it. We have a budget, and if he'd stick to it we'd have money for gas and food every month just fine even with him only bringing in under HALF what I do every month. But because of his negligence we don't have any money left over after bills if we can even afford our bills. I'm going insane. I don't know what to do. I think this is a big part of my funk. I hate money problems and it's all his fault, yet again. I'm busting my butt to hold everything together, get everything done, try to make sure Hailey still has some fun...I'm doing everything, like always, and I think I'm wearing down. But there's no end in sight. I'm just not sure what to do, where to go from here. Each day that goes by, the less sleep I get, the more money he spends, the greater my list of "to-do's" grows, having absolutely no free/down time whatsoever...I just get more and more bitter and tired and down and the harder it is to joke around and be silly and laugh and enjoy my life. It's a never-ending list of chores and things to do. It never ends. I read about everybody doing fun things with their family...I don't get to do that stuff. I don't have time and I don't have the opportunity. I feel like I'm just here to take care of the crap so everybody else can have no worries and have fun. Perfect example...my husband does one little thing around the house and he wants to know what he gets...what's his reward. Does he get a blow job? (HEYALL NO! Sorry, gross.) COME ON. GROW UP. My response? What do I get? For all the work I do? He's always stumped, and he walks off. Do I deserve a prize? For paying the bills, doing ALL the housework, working every day to bring home a paycheck so we can survive, taking care of our daughter and making sure she grows up a lovely well-rounded person...what do I get? I get more dirty laundry flung all over the bedroom, I get more dirty dishes and food left on the kitchen counters, I get to NEVER EVER EVER have any me time, not even to take a crap in peace...my husband gets fast food, I get ramen noodles...my husband gets golf and friends and free time and I get blueberry poop diapers and cat throw up on the carpet and 3 hours of sleep a night. WHEN WILL IT END? There has to be an end in sight. I have to be appreciated one of these days. I have to get free time eventually. RIGHT?

I'm telling myself this week will go fine. I get off at 4:00. I pick up Hailey at 4:15. We'll be home no later than 4:25 since we live so wonderfully close to the sitter now. I can shower and shave so I'm not scary in my swimming suit. We can eat a little something (please God, give me some quick dinner ideas that Hailey will eat...) and be at the pool by 6:30 easy. She'll love swimming lessons, everything will go great, we'll get home by 7:45, eat, she'll take a bath, and I'll have her in bed no later than 9:00. I'll get some sleep, feel better the next day, then we'll have a repeat excellent evening. Next weekend I'll expect my husband to be gone like usual, I'll clean the garage out, get the stuff out of my house and into the garage, and get my carpets shampooed.

Somehow I don't feel like it will go that smoothly...

And here we are again...

This was originally going to be a comment back to Jaime but I dipped into so much I felt the need to post it as a blog post instead.

Thanks Jaime I really appreciate your kind words of comfort!! It does get hard for me to balance it all...I guess I've sort of given up on my life as a "lost cause" because of all the crap I've been through and I'm putting all my energy on protecting Hailey and making sure she doesn't see or experience any of the crap I had to go through. That sounds bad, I don't mean my life is worthless, it's not that, I mean I'm not depressed or anything--I'm a really happy person I just go from one emotion to the next all the time because of all the crap that goes on in my life! I just mean anything I do to better our lives I do because of Hailey, not myself. I'm getting better and better about not caring how I feel myself, only caring how Hailey feels. I used to be a really confrontational person who always had to have a conflict resolved and felt that how I felt was really important, but I'm getting more and more to the point where I would rather just walk away so another fight or issue doesn't come up...I guess it's all really complicated. I want to be happy in my relationship and my life but I sort of feel like as long as Hailey's happy and perceives that we are too, that's all that matters. But isn't that sort of lying? I think because of all the crap that has happened I'm sort of starting to go to the opposite extreme, instead of letting it all hang out and not caring about my kid like my dad's side of the family I'm sort of doing everything I can to protect Hailey even if it means being chipper when I'm crying inside. Is that just what all adults do for their kids? Is that part of being a parent? My mom, even though she was a wonderful mother and did the very best that she could as a single mother struggling to get by, wasn't so good at that. I always knew when she was stressed and what she was stressed about, and I always said I wasn't going to be that way. My burdens are mine, not my kids. I mean no kid should have to worry about having money to keep the electricity on or buy food (still to this day I worry about my mother like she's my child...her safety, her financial security, all of that). But I have always thought it was horrible when I found out that after their kids were grown and gone, a couple had just been pretending to be so happy for the kids' sakes and really had all these issues that they were dealing with all those years. I guess I've just always dreamt of the perfect life for my kids where everybody got along and was happy and didn't have huge issues to worry about...but nobody's life is perfect. I just wanted my kids to grow up without all the drama I did and end up less screwed up than I am, so I'm constantly wondering if I'm doing the right thing by Hailey or if it'll have adverse effects on her down the road. Is this something all parents do? Do I just do it worse because I'm overly obsessive? Am I just overly analyzing myself and our situation? Maybe I need to quit thinking so much and just...live.

Never a dull moment...

As I've gotten older I've often thought they could make a reality show w/ my life. Seriously, it's like crazy crap just finds me. There really is never a dull moment in my life. Right now of course there's the maybe baby issue, which I still have not found out an answer to. Yesterday Hailey got an explosive case of diaper rash that left her begging for help to anyone who'd listen, the poor thing. My mom apparently clogged up my kitchen sink with spaghetti noodles...I spent a good half hour picking noodles, plastic pieces from Lord knows what and wookies out of my drain with my tweezers (ew--I ran them through the dishwasher, ok?). Which led to a huge cleaning frenzy during which I scrubbed my sink til it was sparkly and like new, threw away a bunch of old cleaning products and organized the cabinet under my kitchen sink, threw away old baby bottles (because they contain BPA) and misc. candy and odds and ends, emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, cleared everything out of our silverware drawer and completely cleaned and disinfected it (since D had spilled something in it and not told me--it was crusty and GROSS), did 3 loads of laundry and even cleared out Hailey's PJ drawer (and realized she's only got 3 pairs of Spring/Summer pjs that fit her). What a night.

My grandma called and wanted to know if she went to my dad's Saturday if I'd go over and let her see Hailey, which ticked me off. She can never come to my house for some reason. Hell she hasn't seen Hailey since my sister's wedding in December. I told her Hailey's little friend turns 2 that day and we already told her we'd go to her party at 1:00 that day. My grandma wanted us to go to my dad's around 10! Hailey isn't even up by then some weekends! She usually wakes up at like 9 or 10! I'm proud of myself for standing my ground and telling my grandma this, and telling her 11 is the earliest we can be over there. I'm pissed. If I don't bend to her needs and give in and go over there I'll be on her shit list forever, and God knows she's psycho and would spread all kinds of crap about me...just like the time she picked a fight with me before my wedding and not only did she not show up at my wedding, she'd called all her family and told them not to come either. Nice. So, unfortunately, to prevent more trouble for myself I have to get up extra early on Saturday not, get myself ready, wake Hailey up and get her ready and be at my dad's by 11. Then leave there smelling like smoke and ick and go to this party at 1:00 smelling like smoke when I don't even smoke!! I'll also have to wash Hailey's coat and whatever else we take into my dad's. That's why I don't go over there anymore. They don't smoke while we're there but the smell is still HORRIBLE. We always leave reeking.

But all of that dulls in comparison with the bomb my dad laid on me this morning. He called me at work, talking about the usual...how my stepmom is apparently crazy, how he's blamed for everything, how he's so stressed he just wants to end it all. And then he says "I'd tell you a huge secret if I thought I could trust you." ???? WTF. I told him of course he can trust me. He says "You can't tell ANYBODY, not even your sister." I told him fine, he can trust me. I promised.

Apparently I have another brother that none of us ever knew about. He's 16, lives in the same town I do. His mom knew my dad was married so when she found out she was pregnant she quit seeing him and never told him. She dated another man and got married. Then she found out recently my dad's getting divorced and told him what happened, how he's got a son and whatnot. The boy's been going to my dad's and visiting him. Apparently he's got pierced lips, dirty blonde hair, does his schooling over the internet, doesn't smoke, has a girlfriend that's turning 15 soon that's into bellydancing...oh and he likes to play the Wii. That's all I know about him. And I can't tell anybody. So, naturally, I'm telling all of you. Cause God who could keep a secret like that in? None of you know my family, so I didn't really lie to my dad.

It's really weird, he's been in this world, in this same town, since I was a little girl...I would've been in 3rd grade when he was born. My little brother was born when I was in 6th grade. I just can't imagine this boy has been here, in the same town, and I never knew about him. Honestly, I'm not really shocked. That's just the kind of stuff that happens in my life, unfortunately. But it's still just really weird. I want to meet him, at least see what he's like. My dad warned me that I do have to remember he's just a teenager. I just wonder what the rest of my family's going to think when they find out. I'm sure my sister will be pissed and refuse to talk to my dad anymore...my little brother, I don't know...he's into the terrible teens himself right now at 13 (how do they go from sweet little kids to saying "screw you!" in a matter of months??) so he may be pissed or he may be okay with it, who knows.

So...craziness...

Just another day in my life...

So...yea...

Ok I'm having a morning, I just need to vent. I'm exhausted. Here I am worried I'm pregnant, my boobs have started leaking colostrum which started happening right when I got pregnant with Hailey and completely quit once my milk dried up after I quit breastfeeding...I'm worrying about money and what our parents and the people I work with are going to think if I am.

I'm also excited about Hailey's mini-celebration I'm having for her birthday Monday evening (D will be gone to another tournament so we're having her real party with all her guests after this semester is over) but I've also been really busy with that, ordering the little cake--she picked a Ratatouille cake with Remy and Emile on the top, so cute!--finding the darned dollhouse (found it on Ebay, brand new, it's on it's way here in a UPS truck right now, YAY!) letting family know about the mini party etc. (my mom, sister, and mother and father in law will be there!) Am I supposed to feed these people since they'll be there at dinner time?? I don't want to have to cook and waste all that time...any suggestions??

I just don't feel like I have anything together right now. I'm behind at work because my job is too much for one person to do and my boss who always liked to key some of my stuff is on maternity leave...so I'm swamped. And I hate feeling like I haven't gotten anything done, and I hate not even feeling like I have time to get up and get a glass of water or go pee.

Then last night I'm finally in bed, trying to go to sleep, and my husband starts harassing me for whatever sort of sexual activity I will give him. COME ON. Seriously. Just let me go to sleep. Oh and the great thing about this (note the sarcasm in the GREAT) is that we had just finished talking about how my boobs are leaking and looking at my preggo pictures from Hailey and noting how my belly at the end of the day right now looks just as big as when I was about 4 months pregnant with Hailey...no joke (I pointed that out in the 4 months picture, D didn't believe me so I stood up and showed him my belly and just the look on his face said it all...then he says "OH." Nice.) ...and then he harasses me for sex??? When I'm worried about being pregnant and showing him my bloated stomach and talking about my boobs leaking?? Are you kidding me? What is wrong with men?? I finally bitched at him to get out of the room enough to where he went all drama king on me and stormed out. I finally got to sleep. And had another one of those dreams...the one where I come home after work and realize I left Hailey at home all day by herself. But this time it was even more real, because I came home to our home where we live now and sat down at my dining room table and heard something and looked up and Hailey's standing there at the gate I put up across her bedroom door, in her pjs, hair a mess, crying. I felt horrible again. Why am I having these dreams? Does this have something to do with being scared I won't give her enough attention if I have another baby??

I must have shut my alarm off this morning because I woke up late. I found a bunch of dirty clothes and pillow cases on the floor at the end of the bed, in the spot my husband thinks is his hamper for some odd reason. I should have thought "oh how nice, he changed pillow cases"...instead I said out loud (oops, meant to just think it) "this is not a freaking hamper, JEEZ COME ON!" and I woke him up. Feel really bad about that. What a way to wake up in the morning, to your wife bitching at you. I feel bad about bitching to him last night so much too and rejecting him so harshly...I tried to explain to him that I was just exhausted and no way could I be nice at all, I was just too pissy and tired. But he takes it personally.

Ok well I just had a great conversation with a coworker about our kids farting (she's got 2 little girls, ages 4 and about 6 months) that had me laughing so hard my cheeks hurt. Lovely topic, but man did it help my mood brighten a bit!

I'll end this on a good note. Last night Hailey and I brought up YouTube and danced and sang like crazy to Hole. She loves Celebrity Skin. You should have heard her trying to sing it with me! And she was so cute, shaking her little boody and waving her arms. Eventually we got a little worn out and I brought up Sarah McLachlan's song Angel. I've always thought about my cousin(the one who killed himself my senior year in highschool and was like a brother to me) when I've heard this song before and it nearly always brings me to tears but helped me feel happy too knowing he was with God now. So last night I'm holding Hailey, she's got her head laying on my shoulder, I'm swaying to the music and singing to her...then she looks up, cups my chin in her hands like she does and sort of rubs my cheek and looks at me with the sweetest little look on her face. The moment was priceless. I'm not a crier but boy did she make tears come to my eyes. She's my little angel...she's the light in my life! That song will always have new meaning for me now! And I realized everything's going to be just fine.

"You came into my life like a promised sunrise...brightening my days with the light in your eyes. I've never been so strong. Now I'm where I belong."

I think I'm paranoid...

Ok so I can't avoid the topic any longer. It's starting to bug me and I've got to just get it out.

I'm probably worrying for nothing. But worrying seems to be one of the things I do best and the more days that go by the more worried I get about this topic.

Alright so don't think I'm nutty...

I'm afraid I'm pregnant. I feel crazy just typing that out. I started my pill pack exactly 1 day late. No biggie. Well then we did things a few times right at what would normally be my most fertile days if I wasn't on the pill (stretched over a period of a week)...and of course one of those nights towards the beginning of the week I went right to sleep and didn't realize I forgot to take my pills until the next night when I noticed the previous night's pill still secure in it's little bubble pack. I was sort of worried, but not really. It's only 2 pills, right?

Yesterday I was standing at the stove boiling some tea bags to make a pitcher of tea. My mom was warming up some pizza in the oven. I got a sharp needle-stabbing pain in my nether region (for some reason I don't like the word uterus...) that made me grab my lower abdomen and exclaim "Ow!" My mom asked "What was that all about?" I told her I just got a pain. So, no biggie, right? Except for the fact that I've only ever had that exact pain one other time in my life. Right at the time Miss Hailey was burrowing down in my uterine lining, making herself right at home. I told Dan about the pain last night when he called. He said something to the effect of "Wonderful." When it happened with Hailey, I was sitting on the couch with Dan and my little brother. We were playing Mario Party--my little brother was spending the night. I got the sharp, stabbing pain, grabbed my lower stomach, exclaimed "OW!" and had to stop for a second. I remembering saying "Well that was weird." And then a couple weeks later I got a positive test. My only comfort is that this time the pain wasn't as sharp. That and the fact that even though I did miss two pills, I am still on the pill.

I know the pains weren't ovulation pains because 1. I never have ovulation pains...this has only ever happened one other time in my life, when I got pregnant with Hailey. And 2. I had a completely textbook pregnancy with Hailey. I know when I got pregnant and I had her a day before my due date...when I got the pain was right at the time when all the books said the fertilized egg would be implanting.

And of course now I'm being a typical scaredy-cat, imagining that my lower belly is pooching out even more than usual (I bloated really fast with Hailey). I'm going back and forth with feeling okay with it (because HELLO I'm totally feeling the baby itch!) and then totally freaking out because it wouldn't be planned AGAIN and I know everybody would be so disappointed again and we don't have the money right now etc. etc.

Weird thing is, I'm sort of really feeling like I am pregnant. And that if I do start my period it was an early miscarriage. I feel totally crazy even typing that. But I just feel like I know. Maybe it's just my paranoia or my brain trying to prepare me so I won't be so shocked in the case that I am?? One thing's for sure...I will definitely take my pill each and every day from now on if I'm not! I will have learned my lesson!

This is what my belly looks like right now. (Ok each picture sort of makes my stomach look different??) So it's either that or WOW am I bloated like crazy!

So I finally got some folding done...

Joanna inspired me to finally get my huge mound of laundry that had completely taken over my couch folded tonight. I finally got it under control. Folded up and put in the basket and on stacks on the couch it doesn't look like much, but trust me...it's a lot.

My hands were so full of sock bundles that I couldn't carry anything else. My laundry baskets are all full of clean folded clothes. So this is how I transported my underwear to our bedroom...I just wheeled it on in...whatever works, right? (Hailey's doll stroller...)


I didn't get to this chair. The stuff is mostly folded anyway, it just needs organizing...

After reading a post by Erin today I got to thinking about how unclean my house feels to me. I realized something on the way to pick up Hailey after work. I'd been wanting to go home so badly all day, but now that the time had come to actually go home I found myself trying to think of something else to do. I do this a lot. I always say I want to spend a whole weekend at home, and then all weekend it seems like I'm gone. I don't stretch to find ways, I mean I always have something I could be doing...I just feel the need to get out of the house when the time comes. I realized I always want to be home, I just don't want to be here. The main problem is the huge amount of clutter and crap we have sitting around. I can't clean well with the clutter. We don't have storage to get rid of the clutter. I don't have the time or energy to organize much either. I have GOT to do something about this. I need to feel relaxed in my own home. Of course all the noise from my neighbors doesn't help anything either...that I can't fix. My mom has agreed to help me organize and clean this weekend (since I'll be a single parent again.) Hopefully I'll be able to get a lot done and finally start to relax a little in my own home.

I've been tagged!

I've been tagged by Joanna and Jaime for the same meme...I've done my best to come up with 7 things nobody knows about me although it's been very hard since I'm such an open book (and I honestly have a hard time thinking of anything that incredibly interesting about myself!!). Here's my attempt...

Here are my rules:

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.

4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

A. When I was around the ages of 2 to 4 my grandma watched me during the day while my mom worked. I grew to love the shows The Price is Right, This Old House...I grew up watching country line dancing, fishing shows, baseball and Julia Child. My mom and husband very much dislike these sorts of shows, with the exception of baseball and fishing for my husband. When I started preschool at about 4 years old I would cry in the morning because I knew The Price is Right was on and I wanted so badly to be sitting there with my grandma watching our show together.

B. As I've gotten older, I now hate being wet. I love the feeling of being clean, but I LOATHE getting wet. Every morning right after I get up as I'm sitting there on the toilet trying to wake up, I think to myself "GOD I wish I didn't have to wash my face..." I even dislike swimming unless it's really scorching hot outside and I need to cool off. I just HATE the feeling of being wet! (Which is odd seeing as how I wash my hands a million times a day.)

C. I have this insane fear of someone being in my house that shouldn't be there. Ever since I saw the episode of CSI where there was a man living in women's attics and peeking down through little drilled holes in their ceilings to stare down at them while they slept, showered etc. and then finally came down and murdered them...yea I've had a bit of an issue with that. It really didn't help when we moved into our townhouse and there were holes drilled in the ceiling in each room. I'm always imagining I hear somebody making noise up there and I'm always staring up at the holes to see if I can see anything. I even had this horribly scary dream one time about the people in the attic talking to me through the vents in the house, telling me they were going to take Hailey and I to a "better place" and I couldn't get out of the house--the fear I felt in that dream was so horrible I woke up having a panic attack and called my mom and packed Hailey up and went to her house. D was out of town at the time. When we moved in to the townhouse I had my father in law come over and hook my attic door shut so nobody in the attic could get it open. That episode was also the main reason I had to quit watching CSI.

D. I've always wished I could sing. Like really really sing. I LOVE singing. I just have a HORRIBLE singing voice. I won't sing in front of anybody. Not even my mom, husband or sister. I wouldn't even sing at the Garth concert we went to where it was so loud nobody could've heard me. Recently I started singing some in front of Hailey. She yells at me "Don't sing Mommy! Be quiet!" (Now of course this doesn't include singing songs like Old McDonald, Jingle Bells, The Animal Fair, Jesus Loves Me and Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog--or Joy to the World, whatever it's called--I'll sing those to Hailey any day...I mean like radio songs, to music). When I'm in the car by myself sometimes if I'm in the mood for music I'll put in a CD and sing so loud...I like to dream about going on American Idol. LOL

E. Like Jaime, I love all things 80's. I really miss the 80's. I loved everything about it. The comfy clothes, the awesome music, the toys...everything. I still have all my slap bracelets, troll dolls and cassette tapes. I love stretchy pants and big comfy sweatshirts. Things felt a lot simpler in the 80's. I really miss that feeling.


F. The butt of my jeans is always bagging to where I look like I dumped in my pants. Then I sit down and my butt crack pops out. It's a joke in my family. Hailey likes to walk up and poke her finger in my butt crack and say "I see you butt!" in a singsongy voice. No I don't wear ultra-low waisted jeans. I can't wear high waisted or belts because of my stomach issues. My butt crack baring is incredibly embarrassing so I'm constantly pulling my shirt down as I sit.

G. I actually do have hobbies, I just never get to do them. I LOVE bike riding. I wish I could get really into it, like biking long distances and have a really nice bike. A perfect day would be biking along the trail that runs through a little town near here along the bluff tops for hours in the Spring or Fall (with a stop at the winery for a bottle of wine and meat/cheese/fruit basket, YUM). I also LOVE photography. If I was rich I would have an incredibly nice camera, dark room, enlarger etc. I took photography in high school and showed real promise with my pictures. It really irritates me that I can't afford a good digital to get the same quality pictures as I do with my 35 mm...I don't have the patience to wait for film to be developed. If I could I would be a professional photographer. Not in a studio, but for like publications and just selling the prints etc. Another thing I got from my grandma, I love to do Fill-Ins. You know, like crossword puzzles except they just give you the list of words and have you fill it in where you think they go. I love gardening. In the spring time every year we make a trip to the farmer's market and load up our car with all kinds of pretty flowers and then spend the rest of the day planting. Unfortunately we've never lived anywhere we could plant anything in the ground so we've always had tons and tons of pots around. I plan on doing that this year with Hailey and am so excited! I'm going to start letting her pick out a new pot every year and dating it. By the time she moves out she will have accumulated enough pots for her own patio full of flowers!


So there you go, that's about all I could think of for the time being. I think most everybody I know how has probably been tagged for this one at some point some I'm just going to say if you want to do this, go for it! Leave me a comment that you did so I can go read your answers!

Rant

D won't be back from Oklahoma til Tuesday. I was really looking forward to the alone time until I realized I was starting to feel really crappy. My mom came down with a fever Friday and now has a 102 fever and the full on flu. I'm tired, coughing and now running a fever. It sucks because I pretty much know what's coming the next few days since my mom and D have already been going through it. Today I cleaned up the kitchen and did some laundry because I knew I wouldn't feel like it this week. I'm still hoping to God I don't get as sick as they have!! Everybody at work has had it too! :( I just REALLY don't want to get as sick as everybody else has been. Hopefully I can make it to work at least a few days this week...I don't have the sick time, since a sick kid always eats up all my sick time! Hailey is coughing a little and has a runny nose but she seems to feel fine. I thought she felt a little hot but that could just be because I'm hot...I took her temp and it was fine. And I haven't been able to sleep, and then when I finally am able to fall asleep the damn neighbors WAKE ME UP which really pisses me off. We are so moving this summer, screw the money. I can't even rest in my own house! Today Hailey went down for a nap and I FINALLY got to sleep about 1.5 hrs later and slept for MAYBE 20 minutes if that and BOOM BOOM BOOM the neighbors stupid music woke me up (the Mexicans--so quiet in their house but SO NOISY in their cars!)...seriously the loudest thumping music coming from a car I have EVER heard. What the hell is the point of that??? Woke both Hailey and I up! And let's not forget to mention the neighbors in the unit attached to ours...a husband and wife that are SO ANNOYING...loud video games/music thumping through the wall into Hailey's bedroom all hours of the day and night, to the point where my 2 year old daughter asks me to help her bang on her wall to make the music be quiet...and they slam their door all the time...it is physically impossible for them to shut it quietly without shaking my kitchen wall, apparently. They used to NEVER be like this...then in the last 2 months or so they've become SO NOISY it's absolutely ridiculous!! I have no idea what changed them! Oh and the college kids that live around here now are just WONDERFUL. A guy last night was driving at least 40 mph in our DRIVEWAY, squealing tires the whole bit...like 15 ft. from my house. So unsafe. I hate college kids. When we moved in here, it was so nice and quiet. Hardly any traffic. Just in the last 6 months it's gotten more and more busy and loud. Even worse in the last few months. To the point where I can't stand to live here anymore! I'm going insane! This has been bothering me for quite a while now but it just blew up today because I'm sick and exhausted and I can't even get any rest in my own house. I HATE noisy people!! And now I'm seriously missing my husband. Thank God Hailey had a fairly good weekend (although she wouldn't pee or poop on the potty a single time this weekend all of a sudden!) because I had to do everything myself...she made it so easy on me though. I will be glad when D gets back though. Screw alone time. I need a hug.

I wash my hands a LOT. Like a bajillion times a day. I'm a germophobe. Because of this, my hands are extremely dry and cracking in some spots to the point of bleeding sometimes. They are red, feel like sandpaper, and STING something awful. Lotion does nothing except make them sting worse. I didn't think it was THAT bad...until today, when somebody wouldn't touch my hands because of how they look...made me feel pretty crappy. I know they look bad but I didn't realize they looked THAT bad. :(

Working Mom

Hailey woke up crying for me this morning before my alarm even went off. She's got yet ANOTHER cold. As I walked in her room, between sobs she said "I wake up." I picked her up out of bed and took her into the living room. She told me she wanted the light to stay off. I turned on the TV to the Disney channel and after sitting with her a couple minutes I told her I had to go get ready for work. If I'm late many more days I am really afraid they're going to fire me (just for being 5 to 9 minutes late everyday, when the other women in the office spend another 10 to 15 minutes talking after I even get here-- and I get right to work!). Of course Hailey started crying again and begged me to sit with her, to "stay right here." She wanted to sit there in the recliner cuddling with me SO BAD. She doesn't feel good, she was still tired but unable to sleep because of her cold...and I had to set her down by herself in front of the TV and let her cry and beg for me. All I could do was tell her it'll be okay, try not to cry myself and pray to God to give me the strength to handle the situation. Because I had to get to work. There have been too many mornings like this. Her begging to stay home with me. Even on mornings she's happy. She loves her sitter and the other kids, and the fun activities they do every day and the stuff they learn. But she loves being home with me even more. It breaks my heart that I have to pay somebody else to basically raise my daughter...that I don't get to do that myself...that I have to make her cry and abandon her to come to a job that doesn't appreciate me NEAR as much as she does. Because we can't afford for me to be a SAHM. The world these days just isn't right. It's just not fair.

My best friend

So what I really wanted to write about today was how awesome my weekend was. Yes it went by too fast, yes I was exhausted all weekend because of noisy neighbors, but the best thing in the whole wide world happened this weekend that made everything else not matter.

I love babies, don't get me wrong. But having a toddler is so much fun. I love having a kid. She can interact with me and show me just how much she loves me right back...she loves spending time with me, we have a blast! She's my little buddy. It's been like that for a long time now.

Hailey's favorite movie right now is Cars. Great movie if you haven't seen it. Not only has Hailey learned how to say "Shoot, tractors is so DUMB!", she's also learned a little bit about racing and how to sing her first "radio" song (she sings "Life is a highway, all alone!" LOL reminds me of me as a kid, singing Garth Brooks 'Shameless,' "Well I'm shavin, when it comes to lovin you...")...it's also taught her a little bit about relationships.

As I was kneeling down in the dining room Saturday morning Hailey ran up to me, climbed up and stood on my legs, hugged me around my neck so tight and said "You my best friend." I was in shock. I almost started crying. I told her "You're my best friend too sweetie" and looked over at my husband standing in the kitchen. He said "Hailey, am I your best friend too?" I was praying to God she'd say yes. He's heartbroken enough from her near-constant rejection. She said "Daddy my best friend too!" Throughout the weekend she would hug me so tight or pat my face and tell me I was her best friend. Out of nowhere, while we were watching a movie, while we were playing, just a sudden burst of affection. She is the light in my life, the thing that makes my world beautiful, a huge reason why life is totally worth living.

I pray to God we keep our wonderful relationship over the years and that I never have to hear the dreaded words "I hate you" come out of her mouth in my direction. Now I see just how bad I hurt my mom throughout those horrid teenage years.

She also pooped in the potty this weekend, counted to 15 all on her own, said the name of 2 more shapes while pointing to them (square and circle) and woke up with a dry diaper this morning and peed in the potty...she is such a wonderful little person!

There is nothing in the world better than her hugs and hearing her say those words "You're my best friend" and knowing that she fully understands the concept and genuinely means it. Nothing better.

It's the little things

Having new white socks makes me incredibly excited and insanely happy!

This is my life

I can't even begin to describe how hurt, upset and incredibly freaking pissed I am at this very moment. Before I was even born my dad began ruining my life. I am done. I can't do it anymore. I'm trying to hold it together, trying really hard to have a normal life for Hailey's sake. Aside from her, nothing's right. My health is bad, trying to get better takes even more time out of my already too-busy life, I'm always exhausted, I'm constantly stressed about my job, my house is a wreck and I have no time or energy to clean it up, D hounds me non-stop for sex etc. and damnit I hurt too bad-I'm too tired-too stressed-to even think or care about having sex right now and he is a really messy person and doesn't help around the house unless I demand a million times and end up yelling at him like a mad woman. Tuesday it all came to a head and I told him how I feel, that we have two separate lives and are just living together and how I feel like I'm still fighting for his love and attention just like I did in highschool and he basically told me our marriage is over because we hate each other--but I don't hate him--and then I had to go back to work after my lunch break was over which was when all this happened and act like nothing was wrong in my life. We talked and decided to start over and go from there and went to dinner that night and had a great night and then last night I couldn't put up with his fidgiting any longer and yelled at him to please please please stop because I'd asked a million times and he got all "woe is me" upset saying "Nothing's changed, I knew nothing would change" and wouldn't even listen when I tried to explain that it won't be shiny happy all the time, there will be times when I'm upset or even mad at him, it's only human. Then tonight I asked him to go look at my mom's toilet and he wouldn't and because of something else really horrible that had just happened which I will explain later I said fine and hung up on him so now he's pulling the whole "nothing's changed" crap on me again when that is the LEAST of my stressors right now...my mom quit her good job she had for over 20 years to work at a school 9 months of the year making less per hour than I do because she thought they were going to get married and 2 years later they are no closer to getting married than they were back then and a while back the school told her to quit her 2nd job to work more overtime at the school so she did, then a week later the stupid HR department completely cut overtime, it's not allowed anymore. So now my mom is constantly poor and I can't do anything about it and she can't find another good paying 2nd job and they cut the position at her old one...and my dad and stepmom are getting a divorce which makes my psycho grandma even more psycho and I've had to put up with her calling me and badmouthing my little sister who is apparently in her words "A lying piece of crap good for nothing bitch" and telling me she's got a gun and is going to use it on my stepmom and stepsister when they're not doing a damn thing to her and then she said she'd kill herself last. I tried to talk to her and told her flat out that she's insane and that it hurts my feelings really bad that she'd ruin her life doing that and then kill herself especially KNOWING that my cousin killed himself my senior year of highschool and he was like my brother, I grew up with him--he killed himself as he was about to graduate college because his girlfriend ran off with a druggy and left him all alone and the family was supposed to go up and visit him but couldn't because my mom was scared to drive in St. Louis where he lived and then he killed himself a couple weeks later--so my grandma is insane but now she says she's fine but she's still calling my little sister harrassing her for wanting to move out on her own (hello she's a married woman but her husband lives in CA because he's a marine about to go back to Iraq for the 2nd time--another stressor by the way) but my grandma says she needs to stay and support my dad who is on disability because the government has deemed him basically a danger to the workforce because of his mental issues and my sister calls me all the time because my stepmom or dad are fighting with her or my grandma's harrassing her or WHATEVER and I have to sit and listen to her and console her because she tried to kill herself twice in highschool and I am the only person she has to talk to or get help from so if I tell her I can't hear it anymore what if it gets too bad and she finally succeeds in killing herself. It would be my cousin all over again and I can't lose her too, she means the world to me. I've been trying to protect her since she was born--when I'd spend the night with my dad when I was a little girl (my parents have been divorced since I was 1) him and my stepmom would ALWAYS fight, like bad and as my dad was shoving my stepmom down the stares or pulling her hair or hitting her or hitting my stepbrother or sister or torturing the cat or whatever I'd always put a blanket over my sister's head to shield her from it and then I'd call my mom to have her come get me and I never told my mom a lot of what happened because I was a little girl and I was scared--but I have to be there for my sister--and my inlaws of course are a whole other issue, getting all upset and ticked that we're always with my mom but then they NEVER call to see if we want to come to dinner or see if they can keep Hailey for the day or night or whatever and my nephews are ALWAYS over there, they might as well be raising them themselves because my sister in law apparently likes the idea of having children a lot more than actually taking care of them...and then there's my dad. He has ruined my life since before I was born, when he wouldn't allow my mom to eat much while she was pregnant and refused to let her breastfeed because it was "gross" etc...because of him I was raised by a single, poor mother who was always too exhausted from working so hard to really enjoy my childhood or play with me much or do anything. My dad tried to kill himself after Christmas, then seemed to pull his act together and we even went over there a couple times for dinner and had a great time. I thought having his kids rally around him and show him love would help with the pain of my stepmom leaving him. I was so wrong. He invited my brother(from yet another woman, this one he cheated on my mom with which resulted in my brother being born) back down to live with him and expects my sister to support him, my brother AND my brother's brother because they can't get jobs because they are losers with felonies against them so not even Taco Bell will hire them. So now my dad who is an alcoholic is always drunk again and smoking weed again. He's also got a ton of health problems including emphazema(sp?) which has him coughing up chunks of bloody tissue and he refuses to quit smoking, his one kidney he has left is failing and his liver is failing and now he has diabetes and he's had a heart attack in the past so he's probably going to die before too long because the dr.s told him there's not a whole lot they can do and he's only 45 freaking years old. My mom is puppysitting my sister's puppy that she had NO business getting while she's gone on a 2 week trip to CA to see her husband before he leaves for Iraq again and it's pooping and peeing all over my mom's house which is totally completely DISGUSTING--I am NOT a dog person, sorry--and my mom's upstairs toilet is leaking really bad but she can't call the landlord over to look at it because she's not supposed to have a dog, he'd evict her and it's a really nice place and she can't afford to move so I told my sister today we're taking the dog back to my dad's and she said that's fine and called him to let him know. I called him before I went to my physical therapy tonight to make sure he knew what was going on and he didn't even recognize my voice on the phone. He finally realized who it was and I told him I was bringing the dog back and he asked if I could do it another night. I told him no it had to be tonight because my mom and I are both busy tomorrow night (her on a date w/ the guy that still hasn't married her, me w/ my inlaws trying to please them so they don't cut Hailey out of their lives for good) and he said "Well to be honest with you I'm pretty lit. I've been drinking all afternoon because of the bitch over there." (It was 5:00 when I called) I told him to take it easy on himself and that I would bring the dog in and take her upstairs and get her situated and then just leave. He asked what time I'd be there, I told him maybe 7:30 but I wasn't sure. I hurt so bad last night I couldn't get to sleep...I laid in bed in pain, my hips and knees throbbing. I'm exhausted today. I hurt really bad at physical therapy, I left in pain again, I went hom and disappointed my husband who'd planned to stay home w/ the family tonight by telling him to go to work because we had to take the dog back to my dad's and I rushed Hailey through eating because I wanted to get her home at a decent time and she ended up not wanting to eat and me not having time to make her something else so she ate some corn and a yogurt for dinner. We rushed her out the door, went by my mom's grabbed the dog and drove back all the way across town to my dad's. I got out, got the dog and all it's crap out, went to the front door...the lights were all on, the TV was blaring, the car was gone...and I rang the doorbell. No answer. Rang it again and again and again...I banged on the door, I kicked the door, I yelled, I banged on the front window, I went to the back, I called them, and not one of the three men that live there came to the door. They probably weren't even there even though I SAID I was coming by. What makes this whole thing worse is that when Hailey realized where we wer going on the way there she BEGGED me to see her papa. I had to tell her he was sick and she couldn't. When in reality he was too drunk/stoned off his ass. We had to get back in the car and take the dog back home. I called D to see if he could look at my mom's toilet and my mom kept saying "Don't worry about it tell him he can this weekend" and I just lost it and told her to quit talking. Instead of thinking to herself wow she's just been really let down by her dad etc. maybe I better just leave her alone, she kept on and kept on and kept on til I yelled at her to be quiet. Then she yelled at me not to treat her like that. ARE PEOPLE THAT SELFISH???? I've got D telling me nothing's changed, my mom upset because OH GOD I yelled at her to be quiet when HELLO MY LIFE IS FALLING APART! I am through with the loser that is my father. It breaks my heart to no end that not only has he ruined my life and I've had to see the horrible things I've seen because of him and feel the horrible things I've had to feel, but it also breaks my heart that he made life so hard on my mom too and also that Hailey loves him so much and he's a worthless piece of shit...I can't even take my daughter to see her papa on Valentine's Day because he's wasted out of his mind.

I get up every day, exhausted, hurting like hell, force myself to get ready and despite everything I'm in a genuinely happy mood and I wake Hailey up, get her ready, take her to school, drive 20 mph over the speed limit to get to work 10 minutes late, go in every single day stressed that that's the day they're going to fire me because of it...I bust my butt in an Accounting job that I have no interest in whatsoever, get bitched at by pissy people on the phone all day, can't keep up with my work because it's more than one person can do by themself and I try to put on a happy face and act like everything's normal while I sit on my heating pad and cry inside because I just want to be home with my daughter and not miss out on her life like my mom did on mine. I leave work, go pick up Hailey, get home about 5:30, have to figure out what to do for dinner even though I'm so exhausted and hurt too bad and feel like I just want to sit in the recliner under my heated blanket w/ ice packs on my knees and watch a movie with my daughter. I'm in constant stress at home because my house is a wreck and my husband genuinely doesn't care because my mother in law gave up while she had 2 boys and a husband living under her roof so he grew up in near squalor. I have to give Hailey a bath some nights and then by the time I lay down w/ her to put her to bed (I love this time, cuddling and reading to her) when we turn the light off after she falls asleep I crash. My husband wakes me up after he gets home from work about 10:30, expects me to have sex with him and gets pissed when I refuse night after night after night which hurts my feelings that he doesn't care how damn tired I am or how bad I'm hurting or ANYTHING going on with my life...so I go to bed w/ him pissed off at me, pass out and do the same thing all over again the next day.

Thank God for my mom, she's been my saving grace. Her family was too until my cousin killed himself and my grandma died, then the rest of her family just sort of took to themselves and faded away. My mom has been so strong over the years and because of her I haven't had to be completely immersed in the horrible happenings of my dad's family over the years. Because of her I'm able to live a somewhat normal life, despite all this stress, and do normal things and strive to better my life and Hailey's.

It breaks my heart that I can't make things better for Hailey. I wanted her life to be totally different than mine. I wanted her to have a mom and dad who got along and loved each other dearly and stood united...I wanted her to grow up in a house, not a rental like I did. I wanted her to never have to hear the fighting I did. She was a surprise, I wasn't ready for a baby. I didn't have the overwhelming love for her when she was born that a mother normally has for a child. That took time, but before that happened I just went through the motions, I got mad when she wouldn't go to sleep at night, sometimes I even yelled and GOD she was just a baby. I'm a damn good mother, I know that. She's so incredibly smart and sweet and caring and polite and I know I played a big part in that. But I'll never be able to take back those first 6 months of her life and it makes me hurt even more that I can't make the rest of her life even better than I'd dreamed.

Don't judge me for using the term but my dad's side of the family is a bit white trash. I'm not. I keep a lot of this crap hidden because I don't want to be seen like that. Because I'm not like that. I'm a normal person, I look normal, I act normal. I just have a lot of secrets that are very hard to deal with on my own. And I'm 25 but have the health problems of a 50+ year old person and that makes it very hard to handle all of my physical demands on my own...which makes it even harder in turn to handle all my emotional demands and stresses.

I am a good mom. I am a good person. I have a lot on my plate. Some days are good. Others aren't. This is my life.