And here we are again...

This was originally going to be a comment back to Jaime but I dipped into so much I felt the need to post it as a blog post instead.

Thanks Jaime I really appreciate your kind words of comfort!! It does get hard for me to balance it all...I guess I've sort of given up on my life as a "lost cause" because of all the crap I've been through and I'm putting all my energy on protecting Hailey and making sure she doesn't see or experience any of the crap I had to go through. That sounds bad, I don't mean my life is worthless, it's not that, I mean I'm not depressed or anything--I'm a really happy person I just go from one emotion to the next all the time because of all the crap that goes on in my life! I just mean anything I do to better our lives I do because of Hailey, not myself. I'm getting better and better about not caring how I feel myself, only caring how Hailey feels. I used to be a really confrontational person who always had to have a conflict resolved and felt that how I felt was really important, but I'm getting more and more to the point where I would rather just walk away so another fight or issue doesn't come up...I guess it's all really complicated. I want to be happy in my relationship and my life but I sort of feel like as long as Hailey's happy and perceives that we are too, that's all that matters. But isn't that sort of lying? I think because of all the crap that has happened I'm sort of starting to go to the opposite extreme, instead of letting it all hang out and not caring about my kid like my dad's side of the family I'm sort of doing everything I can to protect Hailey even if it means being chipper when I'm crying inside. Is that just what all adults do for their kids? Is that part of being a parent? My mom, even though she was a wonderful mother and did the very best that she could as a single mother struggling to get by, wasn't so good at that. I always knew when she was stressed and what she was stressed about, and I always said I wasn't going to be that way. My burdens are mine, not my kids. I mean no kid should have to worry about having money to keep the electricity on or buy food (still to this day I worry about my mother like she's my child...her safety, her financial security, all of that). But I have always thought it was horrible when I found out that after their kids were grown and gone, a couple had just been pretending to be so happy for the kids' sakes and really had all these issues that they were dealing with all those years. I guess I've just always dreamt of the perfect life for my kids where everybody got along and was happy and didn't have huge issues to worry about...but nobody's life is perfect. I just wanted my kids to grow up without all the drama I did and end up less screwed up than I am, so I'm constantly wondering if I'm doing the right thing by Hailey or if it'll have adverse effects on her down the road. Is this something all parents do? Do I just do it worse because I'm overly obsessive? Am I just overly analyzing myself and our situation? Maybe I need to quit thinking so much and just...live.

Please take the time to check this out...

Story of Stuff

Articles on the BPA issue

Canada to declare plastic bottle chemical toxic

Bisphenol A widely used in food and water containers

updated 2 hours, 22 minutes ago

OTTAWA - Canada will declare on Friday that a chemical widely used in water and baby bottles is dangerous, a move that could lead to an eventual ban on its use in food and water containers, officials said.

Government ministers are due to hold a news conference Friday to announce that bisphenol A will be classified as a toxic substance, thereby kicking off a review of the chemical and how it is used.

Major Canadian retail chains have already started removing bottles and containers containing the chemical, citing public concerns about possible health risks.

---

The U.S. government said on Tuesday that bisphenol A could be tied to early puberty, and to prostate and breast cancer.

Environmental groups say it is a dangerous chemical while the industry says its use in plastic products is safe.

Nalgene to phase out hard-plastic bottles

Containers made with bisphenol A chemical linked to health risks

updated 2 hours, 30 minutes ago

ROCHESTER, N.Y. - Hard-plastic Nalgene water bottles made with bisphenol A will be pulled from stores over the next few months because of growing consumer concern over whether the chemical poses a health risk.

Nalge Nunc International, a division of Waltham, Mass.-based Thermo Fisher Scientific Inc., said Friday it will substitute its Nalgene Outdoor line of polycarbonate plastic containers with BPA-free alternatives.

“By eliminating containers containing BPA from our consumer product mix, our customers can have confidence that their needs are being met,” Steven Silverman, general manager of the Nalgene business, said in a statement.

With more than 6 million pounds produced in the United States each year, bisphenol A is found in dental sealants, baby bottles, the liners of food cans, CDs and DVDs, eyeglasses and hundreds of household goods. The chemical has been linked to neurological and behavioral problems in infants and babies, along with certain cancers, diabetes and obesity.

The reusable, transparent sports accessory is made at a factory in suburban Rochester that employs about 900 people.

Nalge Nunc was founded in 1949 by Rochester chemist Emanuel Goldberg. The lab-equipment supplier’s product evolved in the 1970s after rumors spread about its scientists taking hardy lab vessels on weekend outings. That led the company to form a water-bottle consumer unit targeting Boy Scouts, hikers and campers.

In 2000, a new sports line of Nalgene-brand bottles offered in red, blue and yellow hues quickly became the rage in high schools and on college campuses.

Highly durable and lightweight, resistant to stains and odors, and able to withstand extremes of hot and cold, screw-cap Nalgene bottles are marketed as an environmentally responsible substitute for disposable water bottles.

Citing multiple studies in the United States, Europe and Japan, the chemicals industry maintains that polycarbonate bottles contain little BPA and leach traces considered too low to harm humans.

But critics point to an influx of animal studies linking low doses to a wide variety of ailments — from breast and prostate cancer, obesity and hyperactivity, to miscarriages and other reproductive failures.

An expert panel of 38 academic and government researchers who attended a National Institutes of Health-sponsored conference said in a study in August that “the potential for BPA to impact human health is a concern, and more research is clearly needed.”

Busy busy busy **UPDATED W/ PICTURES!!**

We've had a LOT going on lately...where to begin?? First off, part of why I've avoided posting is I haven't been in the best of moods. We've hit a pretty major financial crisis and aren't really sure how to dig ourselves out. I had a meeting with a credit counselor Friday which did not go well. Basically we can't live on just my income alone. It's just not working. But D can't work more than 1/2 time, which is stretching it as it is. After the meeting I sat in the parking lot at work, crying to my sister in law on the phone. They've been through rough times as well. The rest of the day at work was pretty cruddy, and that night was even worse. D and I had a huge blowup over the phone...well mostly me talking calmly trying to explain everything to him to where he could understand it (finances are beyond him for some reason) and him yelling at me that he doesn't care about any of it. That night was a very low point in my life unfortunately. As of right now, we're taking my mother in law's advice and applying for a student loan through MOHELA. We started the process last night by getting D's credit pre-approved online. Now we just have to actually print off the application and go from there. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers(if you're the praying type)!

I pulled it together and got up the next morning to pack. We got everything together and got out of the house an hour late, but for once it didn't matter what time we got to where we were going! The car ride was un-eventful. We arrived at the Grandparents' house in St. Louis about 2:00. Hailey had a blast looking at the "skirls!" in the backyard. We got settled in, had a bite to eat(we were so hungry!--see paragraph above about financial crisis--that equals a lack of funds for quick take out) and began getting all purdied up.


We took some nice family shots in the very pretty backyard then we were on our way. We actually found the Cathedral with pretty much no problem, which is saying something for us small town folk not used to driving in downtown St. Louis! The wedding was absolutely beautiful. And surprisingly laid back/short! Everyone was dressed VERY nicely, tuxes and fancy dresses/outfits, but it wasn't snooty like I'd expected! Hailey was an absolute doll the whole time, sitting on my lap, not wanting to be down running around, talking quietly(no screaming!) and she even fell asleep for part of it!(So un-Haileylike!)



Afterwards we made our way to the City Museum to the Vault Room for the reception. If you ever get a chance to go to this place, please do! It is very neat, and they've got tons of stuff for the kiddos to play on! Here's an outside shot, showing all the stuff they have hanging off the side of the building(including a fire truck and airplane!) for the kids to play in! Sorry the pic is blurry...

And here's part of the play area inside, next to the Vault Room we were in...Hailey kept saying they were "stuck!":

We were worried the reception was going to be uncomfortable but we had a blast! They had waiters walking around with trays of hor deuvres(ok how do you spell that???) that were OH.SO.GOOD! Lobster rangoon, caramelized bacon, grilled shrimp, grilled shrimp cocktail, mini-quiches, chicken quesadillas, chicken skewers, ginger/sesame beef skewers, fruit skewers, crustini w/ mozzarella and tomato, pita toast w/ some sort of cream cheese spread...I know I'm forgetting something. We were stuffed! They also had open bar, which means I drank about 4 cokes (I did have 1 little glass of champagne, which they carded me for--I'm just not a big drinker) and 2 cups of coffee.
Centerpiece:

Favor(Very neat idea!):


She also tied me to the chair:


And hid under the table:


Hailey got down and boogied on the dance floor, which was a huge shocker...she dances at the sitter's but I've never see her get down like that before! It was so cute. She wanted me to dance with her (I'm SO not a dancer). Dan took her over into the museum part and took her down the ginormous slide a few times, which she LOVED. The favors at the reception were very neat! Our family friends, whose daughter was the one that got married, hung out and talked to us all night...we were pretty surprised they didn't mingle with all the other people! All in all, it was a great night!

After the wedding we went back to the Grandparents'. I read a few books lying next to Hailey in bed and turned out the light. She fell right to sleep. I, on the other hand, lie awake for hours w/ my mind running non stop. Mostly about our financial issues...partly because we were in a different place, partly from all the caffeine from the reception(not a good idea Erin!), partly because my pillow was incredibly lumpy(note to self: never go on a trip w/out my own pillow again!), partly because they don't use the air conditioning much so the cold fresh air blowing in the window right above my head was killing my sinuses...oh and my daughter decided to head butt me a couple times right in the nose, and kick me repeatedly...when D came to bed we talked for about an hour about what to do on the whole financial issue. I maybe got 2 hrs. of sleep that night tops. Seriously. I woke up the next day at 8:00 to Hailey staring me in the face saying something about up and papa and skirls. My face was puffy, my eyes were insanely dry...but I was so glad to be where I was at. Papa hopped up right away and started making us breakfast. My mom got up about 9:00 and joined us. We had yummy coffee, pancakes, turkey bacon, and orange juice. D snoozed away while the rest of us ate. I was in such a fog, all I remember then was crawling back in bed with D and sleeping for another 2 hours until I got up at noon. I knew Hailey was in good hands and didn't need me, and I took advantage. I woke up feeling a bit better and we had lunch(roast beef w/ veggies, fresh fruit salad, iced tea and my yummy brownies I brought w/ some cookies and cream ice cream!). Then we all got ready and headed to the Zoo. Hailey was a CRAB.APPLE oh my...hitting people in the face that would try to talk to her, not wanting to look at the animals, sometimes not even wanting ME! I was so embarrassed. Eventually she loosened up a bit. I could tell something was off, since she wasn't eating much and wasn't napping well. But it turned out ok. I did have a mini-crisis though...as we were walking into the giant bird cage I noticed my nose was running like crazy all of a sudden. I couldn't grab a tissue fast enough so I put my hand to my nose(I know, ew) and was shocked to pull it back and see blood. Huge amounts of blood. I have never had a bloody nose in my life!! Papa took Hailey off to see the birds while I freaked out and soaked tons of tissues. FINALLY it stopped and we were able to have a good time. Hailey rode the train for the first time and loved it. "My train! Toot toot!!" She fell asleep on the way back to the Grandparents'. We packed up the car and headed home. Hailey woke up as we were just pulling into our town and started crying for her Memaw. She didn't get to say goodbye :o( None of us, my mom included, wanted to come home!

Unfortunately we couldn't get Hailey to settle down that night. She still refused to eat, and would not fall asleep while I rocked her. Finally about 12:30 am I gave in and put her in our bed. She fell right to sleep. D put her in her crib at 2:30. I called work yesterday morning and told them she wasn't feeling well so I was letting her sleep in and I'd be in when I could. I ended up being home all day. It was a day of HUGE tantrums, refusing to wear any clothes even though it was freezing, diarea leaking all over my living room/dining room/hallway and bathroom floors...oh, and all over me! Yea, that was great... then last night she refused to let me rock her again. I had to lay her in our bed, where she fell asleep immediately. She woke up when D tried to put her in her crib at 1:30. Which leads us to another thing going on in our lives at the moment...the transition to a regular bed. I knew it was coming. And now it's become an absolute necessity. She's getting so big, and I'm so small, that it's hard to rock her comfortably anymore. She wants to lay down. But she doesn't want to lay in her crib by herself. My mom is giving us her twin daybed. Now I just have to come up with enough money to buy one of those rails that folds down so I can lie in bed with her at night and read to her. She absolutely CANNOT sleep with us from now on. We get NO sleep. And she didn't even sleep very well last night either. It's just not good for any of us. My mother in law (bless her!) is taking me out to lunch today and she's supposed to buy us some ink for our printer at home. I'm going to see if I can either trade in the ink for a set of bed rails for Hailey, or maybe ask for an advance on Christmas! LOL We'll see. I am VERY excited about lunch though. I've only had lunch with her one other time and it was so much fun! She's picking me up even...she knows I HATE driving. She really can be such a sweet woman! So, wish me luck on this issue...and babyproofing her room. Any advice on what to look out for/what they like to get into/any safety issues I need to watch out for????????? Seriously I need the advice, and fast! :o)

In other news, Hailey is learning her colors. She's doing pretty well so far. Also, she used to "count" to ten with out help...we'd say "one" and she'd say "two"...we'd say "two" and she'd say "tee"...but now, if you ask her to count to ten she does it on her own! Not fully yet, but she's getting the idea! She'll say "one, two, tee, six, nine, yay!!!" It's too cute.

I'm getting very excited about the up-coming holidays! Hailey has her first ever Halloween party at school this year! I'm taking off early to go. Also, we're having a huge family Thanksgiving with my in-laws in KC this year! We've never been to their house, and haven't seen them in ages! We're really excited about that. I'm also excited because we get more time off from work here than I did at the other place! 3 days for Christmas, which will mean a 5 day break w/ the weekend! Awesome!! Speaking of awesome, we taught Hailey to say it and she sounds so darn cute saying "awesome!"

As posted on MSNBC.com

Infant cold medicine pulled off shelves
Oct. 11: NBC’s Robert Bazell has more on what parents need to know about potential misuse of cough and cold drugs.
Nightly News

Updated: 7:11 p.m. CT Oct 11, 2007
WASHINGTON - Give plenty of fluids and saltwater nose drops.

These old-fashioned remedies for treating colds in small children are poised to make a comeback now that drug makers have pulled cold medicines for babies off the market.

The move Thursday represented a pre-emptive strike by over-the-counter drug manufacturers — a week before government advisers were to debate the medicines’ fate. But it doesn’t end concern about the safety of these remedies for youngsters.


Thursday’s withdrawal includes medicines aimed at children under age 2, after the Food and Drug Administration and other health groups reported deaths linked to the remedies in recent years, primarily from unintentional overdoses.

A remaining question is whether children under 6 should ever take these nonprescription drugs.

Risk for preschoolers
Baltimore city officials filed a petition with the FDA — joined by the Maryland chapter of the American Academy of Pediatrics and prominent pediatricians around the country — arguing that oral cough and cold medicines don’t work in children so young, and pose health risks not just for babies but for preschoolers, too.

“Pediatricians are taught these products don’t work and may not be safe. Yet almost every parent uses them,” said Dr. Joshua Sharfstein, Baltimore’s health commissioner and a pediatrician, who blames ads that overpromise relief.

The challenge, he says, will be to convince parents to try old-fashioned methods, like suctioning out infants’ noses or using salt-water nose drops.

“If you can actually pull a booger out with a suction device, people can feel better,” Sharfstein said.


The Consumer Healthcare Products Association announced Thursday that manufacturers were voluntarily ending sales of over-the-counter oral cough and cold products aimed at infants. The list includes infant drops sold under the leading brand names Dimetapp, Pediacare, Robitussin, Triaminic, Little Colds, and versions of Tylenol that contain cough and cold ingredients.

CVS Caremark Corp. added that it would also end sales of CVS-brand equivalents.

“It’s important to point out that these medicines are safe and effective when used as directed, and most parents are using them appropriately,” said Linda Suydam, president of the industry trade group.

The American Academy of Pediatrics says in general the drugs shouldn’t be used for colds in small children.


Not effective at all
“This is not a situation in which pediatric data are lacking and we are unable to say one way or the other,” Dr. Jay Berkelhamer, the academy’s national president, wrote the FDA last month. In multiple studies, they have “been found not to be effective in this population at all.”

Lark Hackney of Anchorage, Alaska, said her two grandchildren, Taylor, 1, and Julius, 2, have had many colds.

“We go to the doctor if it’s gucky and it lasts very long, but a lot of times we just treat it with, you know, treat the symptoms fever or, you can buy good kids stuff over the counter now,” said Hackney, at the National Zoo in Washington.

She said they have used childrens’ cold medicines and neither has had a bad reaction.

The FDA is bringing its scientific advisers together Oct. 18-19 to debate the issues, but its own preliminary review concluded that very young children shouldn’t take some of these commonly used medicines. And while the FDA’s main focus is on children under 6, it also will ask if there’s evidence that these drugs work in children up to age 12.

FDA praised the drugmakers’ withdrawals Thursday as important for protecting babies.

Weighing symptoms
For other youngsters, parents should understand that cold remedies treat only symptoms, they don’t make viruses go away any faster, stressed FDA pediatrician Dr. Dianne Murphy, who urged parents to consult their pediatricians.

“What’s the risk? That’s what this whole meeting is about,” she said. “You need to weigh is that symptom that important to treat.”

Most coughs shouldn’t be suppressed — that’s how the body clears the lungs, she added. Low-grade fevers are how the body fights infection.

Maureen Javers of Silver Spring, Md., likes to let colds play out unless a doctor says her children, Declan, 3½, and Evelyn, 1, have an infection.

“I don’t really like to medicate them if they don’t need to have the medicine,” she said.

Health groups say that while low doses of cold medicine don’t usually endanger an individual child, the bigger risk is unintentional overdose. For example, the same decongestants, cough suppressants and antihistamines are in multiple products, so using more than one to address different symptoms — or having multiple caregivers administer doses — can add up quickly. Also, children’s medicines are supposed to be measured with the dropper or measuring cap that comes with each product, not an inaccurate kitchen teaspoon.

And, since “the medicine isn’t doing what the family wants, instead of giving as directed every six hours they give every four hours or every two hours,” says Dr. Basil Zitelli of the Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh, who sees such children in the emergency room. “What they in effect are doing is poisoning their child.”

What to try instead? Pediatric and public health groups recommend:

Plenty of fluids and rest.
Suction bulbs to gently clear infants’ clogged noses. Saline nose drops loosen thick secretions so noses drain more easily.
A cool-mist humidifier in the child’s bedroom.
Acetaminophen or ibuprofen, as recommended by your doctor, to alleviate pain or discomfort — but check that they don’t contain extra ingredients.
Some chest creams can ease stuffiness with menthol or other fragrances, but check labels for age restrictions.
The Associated Press and Reuters contributed to this report

Hopeful

Well my crappy day just got worse yesterday afternoon. I checked our bank account and realized that the bank had royally screwed us over. They held onto 6 little charges for gas and walmart and things like that for days and days, and then the minute 3 big charges(daycare, phone and loan pmt) went through and overdrew us they then sent through the 6 little charges. Very convenient for them, that made us owe then about 160$ in overdraft fees. They do this ALL the time. It's their way of making money. This is the 2nd time it's happened to us(we don't generally overdraw) but it's happened to many other people I know that use this bank! We were going to overdraw no matter what, but they should have cleared the 6 little charges first, then sent through the 3 big ones, in which case we should have been charges a whopping TWO overdraft charges instead of 6. But why would they do that when they could get an extra 100$ out of us? So needless to say I freaked. We're overdrawn by a large amount, and we were going to be short this paycheck anyway. Now we're royally screwed. I went in to talk to my boss and left work at 3. I picked up Hailey...she always cheers me up. My mom came over after she got off work and we talked about options. Basically our only option is credit counseling. It sucks because we're not in this situation because of overspending, we're in it because at my old job I didn't make NEAR enough to pay our bills every month, so our bills went on credit cards...and now that I make more I don't even make enough to cover our bills plus our minimum pmts on our credit cards! We're just getting in deeper and deeper. And I do feel like we're drowning at times, and I just can't take the stress anymore. It's getting worse as time goes on, and I really feel like we need to act now and get it taken care of. D and I talked last night and decided this is probably the best option for us. He's also going to go into work more, but that's hard until he gets this last tournament done with. For now I'm going to get the ball rolling on this credit counseling thing. So everybody please hope it goes well and things get worked out for us.

Also, my sister called me last night in a very happy mood. She was approved for credit w/ a store here in town and she's going to buy my dress and pay it off after the first of the year. She said she's sure that's what she wants to do. She picked out 3 dresses last night for me to try on, so I am going at lunch time today and trying on bridesmaids dresses! I shaved my legs just for this occassion HAHA Hopefully one of them will look decent on me!

Another good thing about today...I finally started my period, YAY! I was like 2 or 3 days late. I knew I couldn't be pregnant because since I missed that first couple days of the pack of pills I wouldn't let D touch me all month! I was overly paranoid about getting pregnant! I was still worried when I didn't start though, it just makes me nervous. So, thank God for that as well.

I remember...

>>> M. M. 9/11/2007 8:22 AM >>>
Hey what's up. msnbc is rebroadcasting the telecast from 2001 and I remember us watching it in C's cubicle......

Erin wrote: I was thinking of that this morning as I was getting ready. I don't know why, this is the first year I've actually like thought back to what I was doing that day and how I felt and such. I remember us all crammed into her cubicle watching on that little tv and we saw the 2nd plane hit. And work wouldn't let us go home. We didn't do any work for the rest of the day.

>>> M. M. 9/11/2007 8:42 AM >>>
it is so weird to watch it rehappen. I know how it ends and everybody on the news really seems to be so calm and all of that and i know what is coming!! I ended up taking half a day of vacation that day picked up E from daycare and went home because hubby didn't want me in town. i remember calling him and telling him to turn on the tv and he was like what channel and we were like it doesn't matter.... right now it seems really bad but we had no idea how much worse it was going to get when those things fell down

Erin wrote: I don't remember if D called me or I called D, but he had slept through both planes hitting the towers...his mom called him bawling and woke him up. His parents were on the way back from St. Louis. They'd been at a tournament(the pros) and rushed home when they heard what happened. D and I were supposed to go the next day. I was going to get to see Tiger Woods and all the pros, but of course the rest of the tournament was canceled because of what happened. D had no clue what was going on. He still had to go to school too, they didn't cancel class. Do you remember the freak out about gas then? People lining up at the pumps? The whole thing seems like ages ago, but then when I think about being there in C's cubicle with you all watching it happen it seems like just yesterday. I didn't know much about anything back then, so I didn't understand the full magnitude of what was happening. I still can't watch footage of it to this day, it makes me start to tear up. I remember the bodies falling...jeez.

M.M.: this is insane the first tower has fallen and the broadcasters don't even know it. they were just like oh a chunk fell off.........they just now figured it out. like 20 mins later. they are like oh that building is gone.......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For some reason as I was brushing my teeth this morning, it hit me. Today’s 9/11. In the years that have passed since that horrible day, the day has passed for me without much contemplation or thought on what happened that day 6 years ago. What happened was sad. Horrible. Indescribable. But it didn’t affect me personally. Not directly anyway. Then my sister’s boyfriend went to Iraq last year. He was miserable. We were terrified. What cause was he fighting for? None of us really knew. It seemed pointless. Thank God he came home safely. We’re praying everyday he doesn’t have to go back. So this morning the day has new meaning for me. That was the day the world changed. I remember going to work. I don’t remember who was the first to announce what was going on. I just remember all of us rushing over to C’s cubicle and watching on her tiny 5” black and white TV as they showed footage of the hole in the first tower. Then as we all watched, the second plane hit. We were all in shock. I had no idea what was going on. I knew nothing about politics; I had no interest in the government. All I knew is we were under attack. I was furious, and scared, and sad and confused. The president of the company came over the intercom. We would not be closing the office. We wouldn’t let life stop. Nevertheless, some people did go home, like my friend in the email above. We all spent the rest of the day talking. I remember D calling me, groggy from just waking up, confused as to what was going on. His mom had woken him up by calling him bawling. I remember telling him “What the hell was she bawling for??” She hadn’t seen the images, had only heard snippets of what was going on on the radio. And still she was barely able to speak. That confused me even more. I don’t really remember the events of the rest of the day. I don’t even remember what we did that night. The rest of the day is a blur. I just remember thinking…the world will never be the same.

Midnight parties and realizations about life...

Here I was just saying a few weeks ago how I have a horrible husband. Boy do I feel stupid. Since that breakdown, my husband has shown me daily how he is quite the opposite. It’s a shame it took us hitting rock bottom to knock some sense into both of us, but I’m glad it worked. Things have been amazing! Of course we’ve still had our little moments of annoyance here and there, but that’s just normal. This turnaround came at the perfect time. We’ve had a few weeks to smooth things out and get back to “normal” before D started his last school year. Yesterday was his first day. Considering he left the house at 8:30 and didn’t get home til 11:15(w/ a short break in there for dinner at home at 9:00) he did remarkably well. The “old” D from a month ago, would have been a bear by the time he got home. But we’ve both had such positive attitudes lately, it’s hard for anything to get us down. I’m still exhausted…having only gotten 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night for the last 5 or so nights is really wearing on me. I’m still in good spirits, but my brain is in a fog and I’m moving a bit slower than normal. Last night my coughing wasn’t as bad as it has been. I got Hailey in bed at 8:00, which was amazing compared to the night before(when I was BEGGING her to go to sleep at 10:15…apparently every kid in this town refused to go to sleep Sunday night, how weird is that?? People are blaming it on some lunar eclipse????) and I was asleep by 11:00!! D wasn’t supposed to get home til after midnight from work, but thank God he got home an hour early because not too long after he got home Hailey started crying. He let her cry for a minute to see if she’d go back to sleep and then gave up and peeked in her room. She was standing in her crib, wanting out. I was OUT. I didn’t even hear her crying! I can’t imagine what would have happened if he hadn’t gotten home early…who knows how long she would have had to cry before I snapped out of it and woke up! He tried for 45 minutes to get her back to sleep, until finally at 12:15 he came into our room and turned my bedside lamp on and looked down at me with this look that said “I’m so sorry, I tried”...I asked him what was going on. He put her in bed with us. At that point Hailey was thinking “Yay, PARTY!!” She jumped on the bed, yelled at the cat, giggled, poked us…asked for juice…we gave her juice, because we were too tired to argue. She sucked it down and demanded more, so we gave her more. She splashed it all over the bed and stained the sheets. She wanted to go into the living room and play! How on earth was she going on so little sleep??????? It’s like she took a 3 hr. nap and then was ready for the day. I was so tired I just lost it and started yelling at her to lay down and go to sleep. I feel so bad about it now, but it didn’t even phase her. She leaned over and said “Mom-mee” in that sweet way she does, as if to say “Mom don’t even try, you are totally NOT scary”…at which point I began to have a coughing fit so bad I almost threw up. Eventually I passed out, coughing, toddler jumping on the bed and wallering all over me, husband pleading and persuading her to settle down and go to sleep...I have no idea what time D got to sleep. All I know is that I woke up at 4:00 to Hailey’s head jamming me in my ribs. This morning Hailey was raring to go, in the best of moods. I left her in her pj’s, since I woke up so late. Of course when I got her to school she’d peed even more in the car so her diaper was full to the brim and starting to leak, making me look like a horrible mother…it was barely wet when we left the house, I swear! It was all that juice in the middle of the night… SO…there was my night. Pretty eventful. I’m now on my second cup of coffee at work, and I plan on getting a Mt. Dew this afternoon. And I’ll just HOPE I get some sleep tonight.

Something very odd has happened the past 3 of 4 nights. All but one night, Hailey has wanted me to read a particular book to her. One night she fell asleep w/out me even reading. But the other 3 nights she has requested I read her little pink Bible to her that my mom got her for Easter. It has no pictures. The words are so small I have to squint to read them. Yet she lays there so still, listening to the words she doesn’t yet understand…pages at a time even…until she drifts off to sleep. I’m not going to lie. We don’t go to church. I did when I was a really little girl. I did the whole Sunday school thing. Then my grandpa got really sick when I was about 4 and my grandma put him in a nursing home in another town and moved to be near him. We quit going to church. Life got in the way. For years we only went on holidays, like Easter and Christmas. I know hardly anything about the Bible. I know the basics but that’s about it (so forgive me if I sound ignorant when I’m talking about it’s contents). Even so, all through my life I’ve prayed. I’ve prayed with Hailey before I put her in her crib every night for a long time now. But it struck me as odd that a 16 month old would request to have the Bible be her bedtime story, especially so many nights in a row. On the second night I read a passage about worrying, and it all hit home. I realized that throughout all the bad things that have happened in my life I’ve still had food, shelter, water and love. My life has been hard, but no matter what happened I still had my basic needs met and was kept safe. I’ve always seen myself as an unlucky person, I’ve always focused on all the bad and wondered WHY it all had to happen to me. I always worried, even as a kid, about money and bills, and food and our safety. It’s really frustrating to me that I didn’t realize sooner that I needn’t worry because no matter what happened, we were surviving. I have been lucky. It’s not God’s fault that life has thrown crap my way…instead of yelling at him and asking him why, I should have been thanking him for helping us through everything. If Hailey hadn’t asked to read the Bible again that 2nd night, I would never have realized this. Or maybe I would have years down the road…but I think I wasted enough of my life worrying, and I’m thankful she made me realize it now before I wasted more years. This also made me really realize the big difference between my husband and I. When he said the other night “Well Hailey was an oops, and everything’s worked out OK” I didn’t really realize just how lucky we’ve been. No we weren’t planning on having her right then…the timing was all wrong. But we were able to get pregnant so easily—which was amazing considering the recent scare I’d had a few months before…cancer runs in our family and my mom started having problems when she hit her 30’s…I, however, began having problems at the ripe old age of 20 and since I’d always had this nagging feeling I wouldn’t be able to have kids I thought “well, here’s the proof I won’t” when I found out about the problems I had. But I did get pregnant, even using precautions to prevent it! I was able to carry her to term w/ no complications. I had a wonderful birth. She was perfectly healthy. And despite only making half of what we need to survive every month, we’re not behind on payments for anything. Yes we’ve racked up debt on our credit cards to get Dan through school, but we’re surviving. Hailey goes to a great school, she’s smart. She doesn’t care that we don’t own a house! Why do I??? I realized this morning that something has been different these past few days…I finally pinpointed what it is. The worry is gone. I just have this really good feeling that no matter what life throws our way, we’ll get through it. I’ve got to start living, instead of wasting every day worrying about things that are out of my control. I’ve got to take life as it is right now, and make the best of it!

I generally don’t write posts like this because my thoughts generally take too much time to get in order enough to write it down without making no sense whatsoever. But this was a major turning point in my life, so I tried to organize my thoughts the best that I can. I’ll remind myself each day of everything I’ve learned, and hopefully things will stay this way!!

I wrote this post this morning and here it is almost 2:00 and I haven’t had time to post it yet…busy day. Luckily it’s flying by. I got Hailey the cutest outfit at Penney’s to wear to a bridal shower for a close friend on Sept. 8. It’s one of those little tunic tops w/ the stretchy capris. So cute! It was on sale for $13, can’t beat that for a whole dressy outfit. And my friend is coming over tonight. The one that came over early last week, J. I thought after last week when I was starting to not feel good and so tired that all I did was gripe the whole night, she may not come back anytime soon. I guess I wasn’t as bad as I thought, because she asked to come over and hang out tonight. I just hope I haven’t crashed by the time she gets there…

Men suck

Ok it's time for honesty. Some days are ok. Most aren't. If D and I didn't have Hailey, I would probably divorce him. He's a bad husband. Aside from the rare occassion of helping out around the house, he doesn't do anything to help out. It might be different if I were a SAHM and he worked full time, but it's the opposite. He only works about 1 to 2 hrs. a day, late in the evening. The rest of his day is spent sleeping in and the playing golf because right now "golf is his job." He plays golf to get a scholarship to school. Which is all fine and dandy, except he doesn't need it. His grandparents and parents would pay for his school if he didn't have the scholarship. He went back to college to play golf, not the other way around. He's not playing to go to school, he's going to school to play. The only time's he does something around the house, I've found a hidden agenda. As in he wants something in return. Something that I have no desire to give him. Who would want to with a husband like mine? He gets annoyed when I call him during the day. He still doesn't have anything to do with most of Hailey's care. He did put her to sleep 2 times this weekend. Which made him feel very good. He is working on his relationship with her. The problem is, he's not working on his relationship with me. He doesn't think there's a problem. And because he doesn't think there's a problem, well that means there's no problem! He's very selfish and self centered like that. If he doesn't think something is "fun," well then he won't do it. He'll never go to any of my family's houses, or talk to any of them on the phone. He doesn't answer the phone when my dad calls. I make an effort to be friends with his mom. Lately I've been griping to her about our money situation. Which is bad. Because of D. And he just doesn't get it. In the last 2 years, it's continually gotten worse, and he just doesn't get it. Either that or he doesn't give a crap. He gets to have all the fun in life while I'm over here working 40 hrs a week, doing all the housework, paying all the bills, stressing about what money we don't have. And then he comes home and wants loving. Yea freaking right. So that's an issue now. Because I just want to go to bed, I don't want to spend time with him. It's gotten to the point where I know I love him, but I really don't think I like him anymore. He never does anything with me. We fought on our anniversary trip. I don't even try to spend time with him anymore, because I know it's a lost cause. He's not cheating on me. He says he still loves me. Without knowing him, it's hard to understand. This is just how he is. If he doesn't think there's a problem, then there isn't. He thinks our relationship is fine. He thinks he loves me. I don't see how on earth he loves me, when he treats me the way he does. He hangs up on me for calling him one too many times and bugging him...then he calls me to tell me he loves me, only to yell at me some more for calling him a handful of times in one day. He doesn't ever want to talk to me on the phone. I really do not see how he can possibly love me. That is not love. I feel like crap all the time, because of this. I have a horrible husband. Yes I have tried talking to him, and that doesn't get us anywhere because like I have said, he doesn't think there's a problem. Even when I'm having a "good" day, this issue is still there in the background making me feel like crap. I don't let Hailey see it bother me. And the thing that really bothers me is I swore to myself that this wouldn't happen. My mom and dad divorced when I was 3, split up when I was only 1. He was a horrible person. And still is, to a certain degree. I swore up and down I would give my kids a better life. A father that loved them and loved me. A great family. It's so unfortunate that I got pregnant. I wouldn't trade Hailey for anything in the world, she's the best thing in my life! But we did not plan on having her, I didn't plan on having her with him. We had JUST moved in together. If we'd been able to live together for a while, and I could have seen what I know now, I would have kicked him out. But of course then I wouldn't have Hailey. In no way do I wish she wasn't here. But I do wish sometimes that someone else was her daddy, which makes me so sad. If D would just quit being so self centered he would be a good husband. I just can't help but feel like he's not going to change. I kept telling myself things will be different when he gets out of school, but I don't see how. I feel like this relationship is just getting worse and worse. I just keep pulling farther and farther away, because I was putting in all this effort and getting nowhere. He likes our life right now, where he has no responsibility whatsoever. He doesn't see any problems except for one, which I am not fixing til he fixes the major problems. I can't pretend to have a shiny happy marriage. I know I've griped about him before, but I hate this feeling inside that I'm holding all this crap in and nobody knows how I really feel. My mom knows I'm giving him another year, and if he doesn't shape up I'm ditching him. And now writing this, I feel like I don't want to post it. Why am I so afraid to admit all this??? A friend of mine is going through sort of the same situation, except her husband DID cheat on her. So she left him and is getting a divorce. And I can't even confide to her that I have these problems. Why is it so hard to admit? I want so bad to have a marriage like tons of other people I know have. I want so bad to have a husband that's not immature and self centered and cares about his family and not just himself. ???? What the hell am I supposed to do? I feel like I have no options. I'm just tired of worrying about my marriage and money. I don't want Hailey to have the life I did!! And this is the real reason why I decided to put off having another baby. Things have been getting worse over time. No way am I bringing another baby into this mix. Yes, I don't know what is going to happen w/ him getting a job after college next summer. Yes, I don't know if we'll be moving or not. But, I also failed to mention that I don't know if I want to stay with D or not. That's the big reason right there. The moving isn't that big of a deal. It's the rest of it. I can only hope things will get better from here on out, instead of worse like they have been. It's just getting harder and harder to deal with all this by myself. I just feel like no guy will ever treat me the way I deserve to be treated. My dad never did, my husband isn't...and I don't know what's so wrong with me that I deserve to be treated this way.

Newfound hope

Hailey had a really good night last night. No tantrums. I repainted her toenails—I’m loving this!! She actually sits and lets me paint them while she watches her movie. Which is another nice thing lately…she’s getting into movies, yay!

Aunt Lee and Cousin R came over last night and we went to Home Depot(to return the infamous SpotBot, for 50$ less than I paid for it because I don’t have a receipt, even though it’s defective!!) and Taco Bueno(where Hailey pigged out on cheese sauce even though it’s spicy!) and she was really good. She did fall and get yet ANOTHER bruise…this time on her cheek, from a chair leg. My poor little girl looks like I beat her. Seriously I’m glad her dr. appt was LAST week or they’d probably be calling DFS on me! She’s really starting to talk a lot more recognizable sentences now, which is really cute and exciting!! She also fell asleep while I was reading the book Love You Forever to her tonight(which is really sort of an odd book, but it makes me cry every stinking time!!), which was so nice and peaceful. It was a really good night. Gave me courage and hope, that I can deal with this phase of her life…I just have to be patient, sweet and loving with her…I realized it must be frustrating to her too, to be stuck in the middle like that and not know how to deal with it…to have these new emotions she doesn’t know what to do with, to only half be able to communicate and not be able to tell us exactly what she wants/needs sometimes…to not understand the way the world works just yet, and WHY OH WHY can she not stick her hand in the VCR or run off in the grocery store. We’ll get through it. I’m feeling much better about everything today.

Note: Hailey has gotten a bump/bruise/scrape of some sort every single day since this past Friday. She’s also learning to run.

Also, D and I are doing better. I can tell he’s really putting forth more effort to be lovey towards me, and I’m really putting forth the effort to include him in our family again. I realized that to a certain extent the situation was my fault. I was telling my mom about Hailey’s day instead of my husband. I was frustrated when ANY of his things were left out at home, but yet my crap and Hailey’s crap are piled everywhere. I would feel angry if I woke up in the morning to a few wiskers in the sink or a milk cup beside the couch, even though I’ve told him a million times those things bug the hell out of me. Then last night I was sitting on the toilet watching him shave…and I realized ok he lives here too. How crappy has he felt these past few months, me getting increasingly more strict towards him and griping at him constantly…I know exactly how he had to feel. Because that’s exactly how my mom started treating me before I moved out. All my stuff had to be in my room, nowhere else in the house or it was a “huge mess”…she griped if I forgot and left a cup out overnight…she griped at my schedule etc. etc….just like I’ve been doing to D. I don’t know why…I just know I really started pulling away from him and it got to where he didn’t feel much like part of the family anymore. I think it’s because he’s gone all the time because of school/golf…and I was trying to rely on him after Hailey was born and I realized I couldn’t because he’s not around much…so I went the extreme opposite and made it to where I didn’t need him at all. Which is really sad. So…we’re working on it. I told him I’m going to have the sitter write down Hailey’s day from now on. She usually just writes in on a dry erase board and verbally tells me things…but I’m going to have her write stuff down now, including what she ate, her naps, cute things she did, owies, etc. So he can read it at the end of every day. So I won’t forget to tell him things. He liked that idea. And we’re going to get out more together, as much as we can with his schedule being so packed. Yes he needs to spend time with Hailey, but we also need to spend time together too. And speaking of Hailey, he’s been really making a point to spend time with her each night, as long as he can…even if it’s only 10 minutes before he has to go to work. And we can already tell a difference. I think how she treated him last Friday really made him realize that he needs to work on his relationship with her as well. So hopefully over the next couple months things will get even better, with us all really making an effort.

Today has been a better day at work so far too. Still VERY bored…still nothing to do…but everybody seems to be in better spirits today, and even highandmighty girl has spoken very nicely to me and apologized about something that happened. Let’s hope the day continues this way, and that Hailey has a good day at the sitter’s and we all have a good night tonight!!

This morning in the car Hailey was getting frustrated with the sun. She is not really fond of sun in her eyes, yet she won't wear sunglasses. I don't blame her, I'm the same way. Anyway she's taken to trying to boss the sun around. This morning from the backseat..."No ite! Eyes! No ite!!" Which translates to "No light, you're hurting my eyes!"

WHAT.A.WEEKEND (aka...The Longest Post EVER)

Where to begin…

Well first of all, I took Friday off work. To spend with Hailey. You know, because we were going to be gone all weekend and I wanted to see her before we left…GAWD was that a mistake. I don’t know if she could sense we were leaving, or she was just feeling extra cranky or what. But it was a BAD morning. She was fine the first couple hours after she woke up. I was packing, she was packing her pacifiers in my suitecase, and packing her cookies in her own overnight bag. I took her pacifiers out of my bag…is that what started it all? Did she realize she wasn’t going with me at that point?? I have no idea. But all hell started breaking loose. She clung to me like she did when she was little. I couldn’t do anything without her at my legs, pulling my pants down and yelling and screaming at me. I was at my wits end. I fed her lunch. All of a sudden she decided she did not want the rest of her peas. “NO!” I asked her at least 3 times, and each time, “NO!” So I put them on the kitchen counter. Oh God, I took away the kid's food, she was dying of hunger, I tortured her…at least that’s how she acted. She ran over to the counter, threw a huge fit, went to throw herself down on the kitchen floor and throw a fit like she does…and she threw herself into the oven, hitting the corner of the handle on the drawer with her forehead. I freaked out and ran over…big ol goose egg with a cut in the middle, right behind her hair line. I finally got her calmed down by giving her like 10 of these little organic cookies that she likes. Then I tried to rock her and read a book, thinking she was tired. Oh she let me know that was not the case. I lost it, yelled at her that I had no idea what she wanted and she needed to spend some time in her crib while mommy cooled off…and I plopped her in her crib. You’d think I was murdering her. She screamed and cried…of course D, who does hardly any of her care and none of her discipline rushes in the room(and btw was doing nothing to help me pack or get ready to go), yells at me to stop yelling at her, and goes to get her out of the crib. I went over and told him no, leave her there. We cannot let her run this household and get her way all the time. He pushed me away, NOT HARD, but since I’m a huge klutz I tripped backwards over her toys on the floor and fell backwards onto the floor. D tried to catch me but he wasn't quick enough. I felt so stupid. And damn did it hurt my head. And then I felt absolutely horrible because Hailey FLIPPED out and started screaming frantically. D picked her up out of her out of the crib and she struggled and struggled reaching for me, so he laid her on my chest. She clung to me for dear life and just cried. Then I realized…good God, she thinks he pushed me onto the floor. She thinks daddy hurt mommy. She was terrified of him after that. I felt so bad. Here I was fighting with him, well just arguing a bit, in front of Hailey, which I vowed never to do because of all the crap I had to witness from my dad(not my mom, she was wonderful) when I was a kid, but I was at my wits end…and here Hailey and I were bickering…and then this happens, and D starts acting like it’s all my fault that she’s acting terrified of him and here my head is pounding from me hitting it on the floor. Damn talk about a bad morning. D left, said he had to run some errands. He was very hurt, about the whole thing…about Hailey not wanting him, about me being so upset with the whole situation. Here we were supposed to be all lovey dovey, getting ready to go on our anniversary trip, and this happens. I tried my best to get ready, I threw some things in Hailey’s bag and left. I ran by work to use the net for my bank account, since our internet at home isn’t working...Hailey brightened up a bit. I called D and asked if he minded if I just went ahead and dropped her off at my mom’s…it wasn’t like she would have let him tell her bye anyway…he said that’s fine. Honestly by that time I was just ready to hand her over to somebody, I just needed a break. Which I feel horrible saying, because I work 40 hrs a week…I hardly ever get to see her, and I was going to be away from her all weekend, and here I was at my wits end needing a break. It was just a bad morning. She was happy to be at my mom’s. She waved bye to me, barely looking at me…watching her Curious Buddies movie. I went and got D, we got Arby’s for lunch and got on the road. We were both just kind of blah. Trying to make the best out of the rest of the day though. Which leads me to our trip…

So we get down there and the cabin is very neat. I’ll update with pictures later, can’t as my internet at home isn’t working right now. It’s in the back, with a huge deck all to ourselves. We went down to the pool. D starts griping. Doesn’t want to take off his shirt because he thinks he’s fat…he’s bored and hot…the pool is too crowded. D---- Downer. He finally went and got us some drinks from the bar. Then he bitched because he got a beer and he doesn’t like beer, but men are supposed to drink beer not those sissy girly drinks. BLAH He was being so silly! We finally got in the pool and he started having a good time…then I was starving so we had to get out, and he was bummed but ok. We went to eat. He griped that it took too long. He was just in a mood to gripe at everything I guess, which happens sometimes. I think when he’s tired or just isn’t in the right frame of mind. That night the people in the level above us, a bunch of guys(huge busybodies that would not sit down!) annoyed us walking back and forth across the floor and going in and out onto the deck about a million times. Finally I decided to just try to go to bed…D wanted to stay up and watch TV. I got up to turn on the AC and damn if I didn’t see a spider crawling ON the bed, going under it. I am TERRIFIED of spiders ok. I mean like I hyperventilate and everything if I come close to one. I kept my cool, surprisingly (was I just too tired??) and got D…he couldn’t find it to kill it. I even looked and couldn’t find it. He even said he wasn’t sleeping in that bed…so we pulled out the sleeper sofa from the love seat and slept on that. Springs poking me in all the wrong places did not give me a good night’s sleep…not to mention the guys upstairs, who didn’t stop walking around til 1:00 in the morning, woke up at 6:00 am!!! How crazy is that?!?! I woke up and told D “Screw this, I’m sleeping with the spider.” I slept in there til 9, waking up every 30 minutes or so. Talk about a sucky night’s sleep. We went to breakfast, then drove to the outlet mall near there that we went to last year on our honeymoon trip. We had so much fun last year! Well we figured we’d do that in the morning, because it was cloudy and so chilly I had to wear jeans. Not exactly waverunner weather. Well we get to the outlet and right away D starts bitching and griping. He hates shopping, and he was letting me know it. It hurt my feelings. He knew how excited I was about going to the children’s outlet stores. Last year he was great, never griped, had fun…not this year. He ended up turning the car around and saying we were going back to the hotel because we were fighting. I was just hurt, and he was being such a huge turd!! He drove all the way back to the room, and seriously I wanted to come home at that point. I was thinking “screw this, I could be with Hailey right now instead of my crappy husband”…how sad is that??? On our anniversary trip!! We fought pretty bad at that point. I even brought up the fact that we seem to have absolutely nothing in common anymore besides Hailey, and that even when it comes to her he doesn’t really have anything to do with her. I told him maybe we should think about getting a divorce. He got all ticked off and started saying really hurtful things, which made me even more upset. I finally just went outside onto the deck by myself and watched the boats go by and cried. I was so hurt that this was how our anniversary trip was turning out. I was away from Hailey, spent all this money on this vacation for us, and this is how it was turning out. Finally he apologized, said he was just tired, and that we could go…I pulled myself together, put my makeup back on and we left. And he did not have that bad of a time. I only made him go to like 3 stores, and 1 store for him. I didn’t even shop for myself. I didn’t even want to…shopping for Hailey is so much more fun. The sun came out and it got hot, so we rushed back to the resort so I could change into my bathing suit, and we rushed back to our 2:30 reservations for the waverunner. We rode that til 5, and it was a lot of fun. I was starving by the time we were done. We went back to the resort and I got ready. D was even really sweet asking them if they could make our reservations 15 minutes later to give me some extra time to get ready. We went and had an amazing dinner and a lot of fun. Afterwards we took pictures on the deck, being silly and posing etc…I don’t know what happened, but from the waverunners on was so nice…we had so much fun and it would have been so great if we’d had a couple more days there. But right as we started to have fun and enjoy each other, we had to start thinking about coming home. Saturday night we laid around on the couch watching a movie and then slept in the spider bed(he never did make another appearance). The guys weren’t as active upstairs, so we got a better night’s sleep…they still woke up at 6, which means I was up at 6, 7, 8 and finally 9. I got up and started packing while D slept in. We went to breakfast, and decided we’d just head home after going to the gift shop because we couldn’t think of anything else to do besides swim, and we didn’t want to get wet before the drive home…so we got home about 1:00 in the afternoon, and Hailey was napping at my mom’s so we went home and unpacked. I left to go get her, brought her home and D climbed into the back seat so happy to see her. He asked her “Hailey, do you love daddy?” She said “Mommy.” (He told me this later) He didn’t let it get to him. We went to his brother’s, and he carried her in and tried to play with her throughout the evening. We got home that night, and she was tired. He wanted to tell her goodnight…and she wouldn’t let him. I told him to come into the bedroom with us, be a part of the routine…she just screamed at him…he said “apparently I’m not supposed to be a part of the new bedtime routine”…and walked out. I feel so bad for him. I could tell he was crushed. I put Hailey to bed and went out to cuddle with D…he seemed ok. We ate pieces of our wedding cake top that we saved then I went to bed.

So…that was our weekend. Hailey had a great time at my mom’s house. My mom said it went so well that she’ll keep her overnight more often for us now. Which is really good, because I realized something this weekend. D and I have separate lives, which we’ve always had…but we don’t really have a life together anymore. I mean we do somewhat, but not like we should. So we’re going to have to really make it a point to spend time together from now on. Hailey is my life, she’s my everything…but I really have to start trying to give D some of my time/energy/love too. He’s always wanting to let one of our parents watch Hailey so we can go to a movie or something, and I’m always flipping out and saying how much I’d miss her and how I don’t get to see her all day at work why would I want to be away from her even more, and I tell him how could he want to do that when he never gets to see her as it is. He’s trying harder than me at “us”…I just realized that this weekend. To me it seemed like I was, because I was trying to get him to be home more and do more around the house, but then I realized he doesn’t care about all that crap, he just wants to do things with me again as his wife. If that makes any sense. I’ve kind of forgotten about being a wife, I’m all mom now…he loves Hailey, but he hasn’t forgotten that he’s a husband too. We’ve just gotta get all this worked out, and it’s going to take some work and effort. Especially now that school will be starting again in less than a month. But at least he’ll be done in less than a year now. And then we can go from there and kind of officially “start” our life as a family.

I don’t know that I’m making that much sense anymore…I’m bored as hell here at work, nothing to do right now, and I’m wishing I was at home. I’m confused as to how to handle Hailey these days, and that’s making me anxious about picking her up from the sitter’s today…I don’t know how to handle these tantrums she’s been having. My mom admitted to me today at lunch that she did have one meltdown while she was with her this weekend…she saw some sippy cups in a catalog and flipped out, stomping and screaming and crying. My mom went and got her a real one and that upset Hailey even more. Then last night at my brother in law’s house Hailey flipped out I thought because her cousin was playing with a toy she wanted to play with. But when he gave the toy to her she flipped out even more. I tried to pick her up and comfort her and she wanted back down and continued face planting onto the floor and throwing a fit. Is this the “terrible twos”??? How do I handle this sort of this? I’m so afraid of doing something wrong and screwing her up emotionally for life. At 15 months how do you teach them to handle their feelings?? Or even figure out what’s wrong when they’re babbling off long sentences of nonsense with only a few recognizable words thrown in the mix?? I’m at a loss. My mom had no advice, she was just as baffled as I was. And how do you keep your cool when this happens over and over and over again and starts driving you insane(like my Friday morning that I just had…) How do you keep from losing it and yelling back?? I need suggestions. I’m seriously thinking about going to Barnes and Noble and buying a bunch of books on dealing with a toddler’s emotions. Because they are a mystery to me. That is not something I have experience with.

On a better note…I bought the newest (and LAST, boo!) Potter book yesterday!! So freaking excited!! Feel so much better just having it in my possession. Don’t know when I’ll get to start reading it(ok I’ll probably start tonight)…but I need to get to it soon. I’m ultra-paranoid I’m going to hear something in the media about what happens before I get to read it myself!! I’m avoiding all internet media sites or anybody I think might spill the beans. How do you find time to read with a toddler w/out staying up really late???

If you made it this far in this post...you're awesome. I think this is definately the longest post I've ever written.

Who can you trust?

Has anybody heard this mess about Johnson's Baby Bath containing a cancer-causing chemical, as well as many other baby products and personal care products for adults? Someone posted it on their blog on MySpace, and it all looks very real and official. They did however say that there was a statement posted on Johnson's website but when I went there, I couldn't find anything about it anywhere. Supposedly this chemical is produced as a byproduct when making these products and the companies aren't spending the money to take it out because the recommended limit is something like 10 ppm and most of these products contain less than that. The story also says there aren't any guidelines these companies HAVE to follow, like the guidelines the FDA puts on food. As far as the products go, they're more of just "recommendations"...so a product COULD have more than 10 ppm and not get in trouble for it. The story also goes on to say the problem with this is, if you're using 2 or 3 products that have say 6 or 7 ppm, added together you've got way over the recommended limit. Now of course this all concerned me, because I have always been a Johnson's user...every baby that's been born I bought a bottle of Johnson's Baby Lotion for, and I have used it myself for years because of my dry skin issues. So when I was pregnant with Hailey I warned everybody that if they got me anything other than Johnson's I would take it back to the store. Yea I know, bitchy. But whatever. I loved these products! So when I read this "story," I was pretty upset. I emailed the Johnson's people and of course I got back a load of bull. They skirted my question, addressing the issue without answering any of my questions. So now that makes me even less confident in the brand! And now I'm thinking of doing the unthinkable. Switching to Baby Magic **GASP**

So has anybody else heard anything about this or is it just me?????

WHAT ABOUT ME???

I am so busy, stretched so thin, so worn out lately...well, that's always my life though isn't it? Always something going on, never enough time for everything, always tired and worn out...never a moments rest right? What about my whole "slowing down life" deal I was working on? Where'd that go? Hailey's birthday party is this Saturday, and my SIL's baby shower is this Sunday. Fun weekend right? YES! And I don't even mind having to unpack and clean my house all in the matter of a couple hours spread over a few week nights...no big deal! Having to go shopping for a gift for my SIL and make a cake while finishing up cleaning Friday night. Great! I don't mind! BUT...here's the but...the problem is, no one understands that I'm a human being with my own life, my own plans, my own FAMILY. I've got our family friend calling me every other day, insisting I have to plant her flowers THIS WEEK or they will outgrow their containers and die. I told her of all the stuff I have going on this week. Her response?? Well surely you can find time to do this for me, there's no reason you shouldn't be able to, it'll only take about 45 minutes to do. Every minute is precious to me. Not to mention the fact that she's not taking into account the time it takes for me to drive all the way out to her house(they live in the middle of nowhere) and back home again. She's not taking into account the fact that Hailey has to eat no later than 6:30 at night. And not to mention the fact that she bought these flowers and tilled up the ground without even asking me first if I had time this week. Which I obviously do not. I don't mind doing this for her normally...I do it every year. But when I tell her I'm busy with my own big plans, and she writes it off, well that just plain pisses me the fuck off. Excuse my language. I may be a potty mouth this post. SO...there's that issue. Then, my little brother calls tonight. Says they(him, my dad and stepmom) haven't seen Hailey FOREVER and wants to know when they can come over. This, I love(insert sarcasm HERE)...because I give them nights when I'm not busy, I give them those opportunities to come over and visit with her. A few times, they took the opportunity, but lately there's always an excuse...someone's sick(only later I find out oh no they just had allergies) or someone is depressed or blah blah blah...and then they call and make me feel bad that they don't get to see her. Like this week for instance. I told my dad Monday would be fine(before Hailey got sick)...he never called, they didn't even ask to come over, so I didn't bother calling to tell them she was sick. And now, 3 days before her party, they have my little brother call and try to guilt trip me. The thing that really ticks me off about this is, they know damn well about this party Saturday and how I'm having to bust my ass to prepare for it. But, they are Jehovah's witnesses...so, what do they do? Act like the party doesn't exist. So, why should I not have time for them when there IS NO PARTY??? Come on! I told my little brother MAYBE tomorrow night...which isn't true, I'm busy damnit! I was going to try and rush out to our family friend's house to plant her damn flowers, then rush home and get more crap done around here! So, there's that. Then, I ask my little brother if he's riding over to my house Saturday with my little sister and her boyfriend. He says he's not coming. I asked him why. He said "because we're Jehovah's Witnesses." I said to him "oh so you are now too?" I told him if he didn't want to come because he was a witness now too, then I would understand, but if dad and my stepmom are telling him he can't come and he really wants to, well then I'll be pissed. I asked to talk to my stepmom. I asked her if she told my older sister and brother about the party like I asked her to weeks ago. Because I called my grandma last night(who my stepmom was also supposed to tell--she talks to these people a LOT more than I do ok!) and she hadn't told my grandma...so I thought maybe she hadn't told my sis/bro...sure enough, she hadn't. And no she won't call them, because yet again, none of them are on speaking terms. Lord only knows why. Frankly, I don't give a shit. Anyway, I casually ask her if my little brother will be coming to the party. She says no, he won't be coming. I ask her why. She says "because, we don't celebrate birthdays." I told her fine, and I sounded very pissy, and I got off the phone. Surprisingly, they didn't call back. Sorry if you're a witness, but I think the whole not celebrating anything is complete and udder BULLSHIT. I respected it for a long time, but now they're pushing their stupid beliefs onto my grandma and little brother, and I'm just sick of it. Makes me proud to be a Baptist, hell it makes me want to go to church every Sunday and praise the Lord when I'm around them. After all, they flaunt their beliefs around me ALL THE TIME. But see, I'm a better person than that. So I'm pissed that my little brother's not coming. That really hurts. It's celebrating her first year of life, come on people! Ok...and now...I have a lady that D works with emailing me to have this Arbonne crap party, and she wants me to sell it because "It's only 29$ to get started!" Hello, do people not see me? Do I look like I use expensive facial products, or have tons of friends that would be able to afford that stuff? Sure I'd love to be able to afford it...but I can't. Leave me alone. I'm not selling it. I'm not having a party. I have no friends that would come to a party. Or buy the crap. So stop harrassing me for my time!! And the funny thing is, it's not like I have tons of friends or anything. I never see my friends but like once or twice a month!! Seriously!! I have too much damn family apparently. I love them all, but I get so tired of them pulling me in all directions. We never get family alone time, just the three of us, our little family, without somebody calling and bugging us or wanting to spend time with us. Oh and the last thing...which isn't bad, and I actually feel like I should accomodate this person...my sister's boyfriend turns 21 on Friday. And do you know what he wants to do? Ok this is a 21 year old guy, and he wants to hang out with D and I and Hailey. How can I tell him no? He's going back to Cali the 16th, then back to Iraq eventually...and he wants to spend his 21st birthday with US, of all the people he could choose to spend it with...his friends, his family...he chose us. I can't tell him no. So I told my sister to let me know what the plan is for Friday by tomorrow so I can plan when to make the cake for Hailey's party and all that. SIGH....there, there's my rant...

Now onto cuter things. A few Hailey stories, as always...

~Today the sitter put Hailey's shoes on so they could go outside, and then turned around to get something. When she turned back around Hailey was bent down digging the sitter's shoes out from under a shelf where she keeps them, and then she brought them to the sitter. She said she didn't even mention her shoes to Hailey or anything, she just went and got them and brought them to her all on her own! How stinking smart is she???
~I let Hailey watch me pee when I'm home with her. She's really learning about the whole process. She knows you pull down your pants, potty, wipe, put down the lid, say bye bye and flush. Well tonight I forgot to tell her I was going, and when she heard me peeing she ran into the bathroom and pried at my leg so she could see me pee. I was already done, but she saw it in the toilet and she said "pee pee." I'm telling you, she learns new words every day, I can't even keep up. She said it a few times "pee pee!" And then did the customary wave, bye bye, flush and then oh my she slammed the lid on her hand. I felt horrible. She cried for a minute but quit pretty quickly...she's a tough gal.
~A couple more new words that I noticed her saying really well tonight...we've been working on "nose" and "eyes"...I'll ask her where her nose is and she'll scrunch up her nose, etc...well tonight she was laying in bed with me and I asked her where her eyes are and she said "eyes" and pointed. Then I asked her nose and she said "nose" and scrunched her nose. It wasn't just a fluke, she repeated them when asked. So neat.
~Last but not least, my mom was playing with Hailey in her tent tonight and she put her finger to her mouth and said "shhh" to tell Hailey they had to be quiet. Would you believe Hailey actually did the same thing back??? She put her little finger to her lips and said "shhhh." She did it again a bunch of times for me later. It's so darn cute! And then she grabbed either side of my face and pulled me in so hard we kind of bonked heads and I got a big ol long slobbery kiss.

So there's the cuteness for the day. As far as the house cleaning is going, well it's going great. I got the whole dining room emptied out today, boxes stacked neatly in a corner of our bedroom, the floors vaccuumed, some clothes done and put away...all in all, a very productive night. And we even went out to eat at the mexican place I LOVED when I was pregnant. The last time I ate there was the time that put me into labor! And now, unfortunately, my non-preggo self doesn't find the food so tasty! Funny how that works. Wonder if I'll crave it with the next pregnancy...I guess we'll see, although I'll be afraid it'll send me into labor! HAHA!

Alright, hubby time and bed time :o)

I wanna be the girl with the most cake

Well I didn't jump the gun. My boss called me in this morning and told me they are posting AP B's job, and that if I'm interested I just need to send a letter of interest to Administration. I'm really thinking it would be stupid if I didn't apply...it would be more money, it's a great opportunity to advance, and I've only been there almost 2 months! If I do end up leaving after I have the next baby, well then so be it. I have to quit thinking about everybody else and start focusing more on our family and what's best for us. It would be stupid for me to pass up a couple years of awesome pay, just because I may quit in the future. Kind of sucks for them, yes, but good for me. It's just a bummer, because I want it all. I want a house, and new cars, and extra money to go shopping, and I want vacations...but I also want to stay home with my kids, and more time with my husband...I want it all. I've always wanted it all, I've always wanted to be rich, ever since I was old enough to understand about money(say about Kindergarden)...ideally, my husband will get a great job, we'll pay off our debts, buy a house, have babies, and life happily ever after. I'm so hoping...in the meantime, I'm going to apply for this job, continue with the thought that we'll be trying for another baby in December, and just go from there. I just hate all this uncertainty. I'm afraid we may have to put off having another baby, which seems so incredibly unfair. It's something we want so bad, but what if D can't get a good enough job after he graduates for me to quit working? He'd have to make what I make now. Could he do that fresh out of college? Although I don't have a college degree, and he will. SIGH...I guess we'll see what happens.

Everything else I have to write about right now seems so petty compared to all that. And I'm tired...D's allergies are HORRIBLE this year, so he's snoring like mad, so I'm getting no sleep at night.

I know this all sounds negative, but it has been a really good week. I'm just a bit stressed trying to figure out what's best for our family.

Changes

This afternoon we all received an email from my boss. B, the AP lady that everybody but me dislikes, is retiring at the end of June. The thought immediately popped into my head...would they want me to move up to that position? After all, that is what I did at the Hell Hole, and they know that. Apparently people can read my mind, because right away Preggo comes up to me and asks "so are you going to take her place???" I told her I have no idea, that it's a big decision, if they even offered it to me. And at least 3 other people asked me the same thing, including AP B. A million questions and concernes pop into my head when I think about this. Could I handle that job? Could I learn all the little quirks and not screw things up? Do I really WANT to do AP again? Aren't I happy with what I'm doing now? Would it be worth the pay increase? WOULD it be a pay increase? Would I really enjoy the monotony that is that job when that was one of the reasons I got so burnt out at the other place? And then the big questions...but what if we do decide it's best for me to quit working after the second baby is born? Do I really want to do that to this company? I've been wrestling with that for a while now anyway...I love this place, it's cause, the people I work with, everything...and they've told me it took a long time to finally find somebody good for my position. I've been feeling bad, that here I've finally found a place I love, with people I like, that pays incredibly well and here I may be leaving by the end of 2008...and making them start all over again in their search. I've been actually considering not staying home after the 2nd baby is born...which I never would have considered before. So if they do offer me this job, what if I retrain for this new position, and believe me AP is a LOT to learn w/ all the little quirks of all the different vendors etc...and then they'd have to retrain someone for my current position...and then what if I DO decide to stay home after the second baby is born...they'd have to retrain all over again for the AP job. I already didn't know what I was going to do about the whole job situation, and now this just throws a whole new batch of what-ifs to worry about into the mix. I'm jumping the gun here...they haven't said a word to me about the job yet...well no one that matters has anyway. K, the lady I replaced, had me give her my home phone # today...after all this happened...so I'm not sure if she wants to talk to me or what. She's so nice, we get along great. She's actually the wife of my FIL's best friend. So I guess we'll see what she has to say? The money would help tremendously...but I care enough about this company to really think about this whole situation. Again, I'm probably jumping the gun. I just hate not knowing. I wish I knew for sure that D would have a good enough job after he graduates for me to stay home after this next baby is born. I wish I knew how it would all work out. I hate not knowing. But we don't. Ideally, I guess we really should wait to try for the next baby until D graduates and has a better job, so we know where we stand with everything. And who knows, maybe December will come and something will change, and we'll decide to wait. But for now, that's our plan, and we're just having faith that everything else will fall into place. Everything will work out, no matter what happens...it's just a matter of what path are we going to take...and I hate not knowing. I know part of my sureness comes from D's reassurance. He's not one to just do things on a whim. He takes decisions like this very seriously. And not a single obstical I've come up with has deterred him from wanting this baby. He says everything will work out. His sureness makes me even more sure that this is a good decision, this is the right thing to do. Things are finally looking up for us, everything's finally going well. Everything's falling into place...so I have faith...everything's going to be ok!

I just want someone to say to me, I'll always be there when you wake...I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today, so stay with me and I'll have it made...

The last 30 minutes of work today were awesome. I'm talking to the Director of my dept., which I never really have before, and I find out that she lives in a little town about 20 minutes from here that my OLD boss lives in. I mean the boss I had before I got the shitty boss, the lady I loved that was so nice and I'd babysit her kids every now and then. That one. Anyway, it turns out she does know her, and she was updating me on how she was doing these days etc., and it turns out she knows a few other people I know, which is really neat. So the conversation is going really well. Then I mention that my exboss(the shitty one...are you following??) had hired a couple people she knew from her town and even THEY left because she was such a crappy boss. "What's your ex-boss's name?" she asks. I tell her. She says "Oh REAlly"...uh oh...I said "Oh no, you know her? Guess I need to stop trash talking her then!" And what does she say? You're not going to believe this...she says that ex-bosses family are all like her, think they know everything and you can't tell them anything. WTF!! How awesome is that. She said she used to work at the bank in my ex-boss's town, and that her family were always coming in saying the bank screwed something up. She said it was always their fault, never the banks, but they'd never listen. So one time they say that they have a relative that's a CPA and they're going to send her in. Director lady thinks to herself, yes finally someone who will understand what I'm saying. So they sent my ex-boss in, and of course she denies everything Director Lady says and basically calls her a liar! HELLO, sound familiar here people? Director Lady said she LOATHED when she'd see ex-boss come in the doors! I told Director Lady, "Ok so you know what I've been dealing with the past 4 years!!" She completely understood. How awesome is that?!?! Director Lady, the person I really need to impress, completely understands the misery that was my old job. And she knows a ton of the awesome people I used to work with that ex-boss ran off. I just thought that was all really cool, I mean who knew you know? It just goes to show, you never know who knows who!

In other news, hubby is being a complete sweetey lately. He's being a good boy, working full time, being a sweetey when he's here, making plans for us for this weekend, telling me he misses me on the phone during the day(seriously is he trying to get some or something?? There has to be a motive!) Things have just been going really well, even with how he's handling my stress. Our whole relationship we've really had one issue...and that's the fact that when I'm upset, if he doesn't see the reason why, well then there's no issue...no reason to be upset. Because he's not upset. So no one should be. And 99% of the time, I just need someone to tell me "It's going to be alright, don't worry!!" I've NEVER had someone like that. When I was little, I'd get horribly upset about something and run in my room and lay on my bed and cry...just waiting for my mom to come in and hold me and have the heart to heart like you see on those cheesy sitcomes like Full House, and just tell me everything's ok. Do you know how many times she came in my room and did that?? A big fat zero. Not once. I asked her about it when I was older. She told me she just figured I needed my space to be upset and she'd just let me work it out myself. Love my mom, but we are obviously different in a lot of ways. So I've begged my husband to be that person that will hold me and tell me it'll be ok. The other night, I realize all of a sudden that CRAP, if we have another baby we have nowhere to put it. We've only got 2 bedrooms. I started to panic, started to get upset. I didn't want to bring it up, I knew what he'd say...that we needed to wait until we had room, had a bigger house. That's not what I wanted to hear. But I mentioned it, and his answer shocked me. "It's ok, don't worry. We'll just move." Just like that. So simple. We'll move. So guess what. I'm not stressed about it. I'm casually looking, and it's a big task, but I'm not stressed about it! I went to sleep in peace, we're still trying in December, all is right with the world! I have the most wonderful husband ever.

Well I guess I have to update on my test results. They called me today and left a message. From what I could hear through the crackling phone line(cell phones suck booty) the test results were normal. So I guess I'll go to my appt. Tuesday, and we'll go from there. One things for sure, I need something to get rid of these damn headaches. Every single day I get one. It's hard to push through them. Sometimes I can't. I have a bad one coming on now...and a sink full of dirty dishes, a dishwasher full of clean ones, the trash needs to be taken out...SIGH...luckily my wonderful husband said he'd take care of all that when he got home from work, and I took advantage of my mom being here last night and picked up a lot of the house and vacuumed. So it's not that bad. And I'm trying not to stress about it...I'm really trying to stick to the whole "more me time" thing now. So far I'm loving it.

I ate lunch with my sister and her boyfriend(who is now back from Iraq, thank God) today. Didn't stuff myself(pat on the back) and we had a good time...except for my insane father(no really, I mean he's even on disability because they don't think he's fit to be in the workplace) calling because he wanted an answer NOW from my sister about this stupid issue that they really needed time to think about. And he got pissed at me because he could "hear me in the background, I'm not deaf, and you all may be getting older but I'm almost 50 and I could kick your butts"...lovely huh. And for the record, all I said was "tell him we're eating and you'll call him back later." Anyway, it as kind of bittersweet...I'm really glad A is back, but at the same time...he's different. War sucks, I mean it's really horrible. People killing people, scarring the ones that survive for life. Even little things are hard for him now, like being in crowds, or manners...he's lost all manners, being over there that was not something he worried about of course. He burped really loud in the restaurant and he did say excuse me, but I mean it was deliberate. He was never like that before. And he's just not the happy goofy person he was before. He just sat and watched TV and ate like he'd never eaten before. It's just so sad.

I'll end this with a cute Hailey story, because you know I can't go a whole post without bragging about how darn stinkin cute she is. Last night my mom came over because she has to work the next few days and wanted to get her dose of Hailey in to tide her over. She was holding her over by the dishwasher and D and I were in the living room. He was getting ready to leave for work, so he gave me a hug. Hailey saw us, and she kicked her legs and pointed really hard and said "uh!!! MINE!" She was so mad. My mom brought her to us, and she clung to me like a little monkey. She's so selfish with me! She doesn't want anyone else to show me affection, I'm all hers. Makes me feel so special!

And yet another word added to her list...tree. My in-laws gave her a little stuffed palm tree from FL. She carried it around, declaring "my tree." Which sounds like "my tee"...so cute.