Tired

So I didn't end up going to my sister's house after the fireworks on the 4th. My dad had to be a turd, like always, and make them go ahead and do the fireworks before we got there. Or so they said. Whatever, I didn't really care! I was very happy to just go home and go to bed. It was 11:00 when we got home from just the city fireworks! Hailey didn't like them this year. She kept telling me all day, as we were cleaning the old place, that she was going to watch fireworks that night that went way high up in the sky with the helicopters. There were helicopters, there were fireworks, but she didn't watch them! She made me cover her ears tight with my hands and even cover her eyes! She did watch some of them reflecting on a car, she told me "Mommy there's fireworks on the car!" and then she told me "Daddy's watching the fireworks!" and then she covered her eyes for the rest of the show. Silly girl. She told me they were too loud and too bright. Maybe next year...

Saturday I went to the wedding instead of shampooing the carpets at the old place. They looked clean enough and I was just DONE with that place, ready to be free of it!! The wedding was boring, as always. I'm just not a wedding person. Especially since it's really hard to sit and watch people so in love when my husband and I are still not doing so hot. Yep, I'm bitter. But whatever. My sister in law showed up at the reception thank GOD, so at least I had somebody to talk to. My inlaws totally pissed my husband and I off, haha imagine that! They completely ignored Hailey the whole time my nephew was around. Then when my nephew left they acted SERIOUSLY depressed, no joke it was ridiculous, and they wouldn't talk to or play with Hailey at all. We just left, we didn't want to be there anyway. Hailey fell asleep on the way home and I couldn't get her to wake up at ALL til 8:00!!! Then we had a friend come over (A that watched Hailey the week I was without a sitter) and we took Hailey to my mom's to stay the night so the three of us could just drink and hang out, which I NEVER EVER EVER get to do. We went to get our favorite pizza and had just gotten home when my mom called and informed me Hailey was NOT going to stay at her house. She told my mom that she would stay and play and eat but then she was going home to her own bed. Sure enough, midnight comes along and my mom brought her home. I spent the next 2 hours trying to get her to sleep. So, once again, I didn't get a break...by the time I passed out in bed from exhaustion at 3:00 I wasn't even thinking straight. Hailey's morning poop woke her up WAY too early at 8:30 the next morning so she wasn't in the greatest mood Sunday. Neither of us were. Once again I had to seem like the over bearing annoying freakishly worrisome bitch of a wife in front of D's friend on Sunday...finally I just had to leave the house. He was not helping me do anything at all, was skipping out on the plans we had that day, and I just lost it. I took the keys back to the old place, thank God I'm done with that. I left them a rent check. Hopefully now I'll get some of my deposit back and that's all with that.

Yesterday evening my mom took Hailey outside to play (because where we live now there aren't 100 Mexicans around eying down my little girl, and there's no traffic at all, it's marvelous!!) and I passed out. I literally could not stay awake, it was BAD. I am overdoing it. I know I am. But I can't help it. There's a million things to be done. I'm so so so happy at the new place. I really am. But I'm sort of feeling myself sliding back into a slump and I know it's because I'm so tired and so busy. But I'm very short with people, even Hailey...I'm finding myself feeling sort of down even though nothing's wrong. I'm feeling crappy about everything. I should be having so much fun, in our new place, Hailey starting swimming lessons tonight, etc. etc. but all I can think of is the huge list of tasks I need to complete, the huge list of bills I need to pay, how my husband keeps telling me his motto about life is "Who cares!?!", and on and on and on. What the heck is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can I not make myself get on a schedule? Is it because I always have a million things going on and don't have TIME for a set schedule? I'm resenting work big time because they're not giving me any time off to take care of any crap at all. I keep telling myself I'll do this and this and this when I get off work, then I'll get Hailey in bed by 8:30 and then myself in bed by 10. That NEVER happens. I'm always just getting out of Hailey's room at about 10:00, then I have chores to do, then I don't get into bed til well after midnight. I'm not sleeping well at the new place because our bedrooms are upstairs now and much hotter than I'm used to. I need to be COLD to sleep. But I can't afford to turn the air way down at night. Which leads me to yet another problem...the fact that I can't get my husband to stop pissing away money like we're rich. He spends at least 10$ a day on just food and snacks alone, if not 20$ on some days. Random Gatorade's here, McD's there even though I've made dinner...he just doesn't care. We don't have money for groceries because of it. We have a budget, and if he'd stick to it we'd have money for gas and food every month just fine even with him only bringing in under HALF what I do every month. But because of his negligence we don't have any money left over after bills if we can even afford our bills. I'm going insane. I don't know what to do. I think this is a big part of my funk. I hate money problems and it's all his fault, yet again. I'm busting my butt to hold everything together, get everything done, try to make sure Hailey still has some fun...I'm doing everything, like always, and I think I'm wearing down. But there's no end in sight. I'm just not sure what to do, where to go from here. Each day that goes by, the less sleep I get, the more money he spends, the greater my list of "to-do's" grows, having absolutely no free/down time whatsoever...I just get more and more bitter and tired and down and the harder it is to joke around and be silly and laugh and enjoy my life. It's a never-ending list of chores and things to do. It never ends. I read about everybody doing fun things with their family...I don't get to do that stuff. I don't have time and I don't have the opportunity. I feel like I'm just here to take care of the crap so everybody else can have no worries and have fun. Perfect example...my husband does one little thing around the house and he wants to know what he gets...what's his reward. Does he get a blow job? (HEYALL NO! Sorry, gross.) COME ON. GROW UP. My response? What do I get? For all the work I do? He's always stumped, and he walks off. Do I deserve a prize? For paying the bills, doing ALL the housework, working every day to bring home a paycheck so we can survive, taking care of our daughter and making sure she grows up a lovely well-rounded person...what do I get? I get more dirty laundry flung all over the bedroom, I get more dirty dishes and food left on the kitchen counters, I get to NEVER EVER EVER have any me time, not even to take a crap in peace...my husband gets fast food, I get ramen noodles...my husband gets golf and friends and free time and I get blueberry poop diapers and cat throw up on the carpet and 3 hours of sleep a night. WHEN WILL IT END? There has to be an end in sight. I have to be appreciated one of these days. I have to get free time eventually. RIGHT?

I'm telling myself this week will go fine. I get off at 4:00. I pick up Hailey at 4:15. We'll be home no later than 4:25 since we live so wonderfully close to the sitter now. I can shower and shave so I'm not scary in my swimming suit. We can eat a little something (please God, give me some quick dinner ideas that Hailey will eat...) and be at the pool by 6:30 easy. She'll love swimming lessons, everything will go great, we'll get home by 7:45, eat, she'll take a bath, and I'll have her in bed no later than 9:00. I'll get some sleep, feel better the next day, then we'll have a repeat excellent evening. Next weekend I'll expect my husband to be gone like usual, I'll clean the garage out, get the stuff out of my house and into the garage, and get my carpets shampooed.

Somehow I don't feel like it will go that smoothly...