TGIF

First of all, here’s how my night last night went:

Last night wasn't that great. My inlaws came over way later than I told them to, and they wanted to take us to dinner. Nice right? I should be thankful right? Well, I was a little irritated instead...they waited so late, Hailey was already starving which makes her so cranky...then when we finally did get to go, at like 7:00, they chose a place that wasn't really a good place for Hailey or I to eat! I expressed my concerns...it's a new restaurant here in town, what they call "Greek" food here. Souvlakis(sp??), gyros, pizza, that sort of thing. We have a ton like it here in town, and I can't eat at ANY of them because they make me sick! The seasonings they use, the meat tenderizer in the meats, and feta cheese made from goats milk all combine to make a really bad experience for me. I'm very lucky if I can find something on the menu to eat. Not to mention this place was brand spanking new, and a bit fancy. It was all quiet in there, everything was really nice. And Hailey was CRANKY. She was so tired. I knew we should just take dinner home instead of going somewhere but they didn't listen. So here I am, having to deal w/ her, getting all stressed out...she doesn't want to sit in her chair, doesn't want anybody to hold her...she wants to run around the table talking/screeching. And his parents thought it was cute!! They LAUGHED and encouraged her!! I was so mad. Here I'm trying to think about all these other people, getting annoyed by my daughter who is usually so good when we go places because I don't go when she's exhausted normally...and his parents are encouraging this bad behavior. She even started telling D no, like shaking her finger and yelling “NO NO!” at him, and my FIL was like "yea, tell Daddy no no!" And here I am on the other side saying "Now Hailey be NICE, we LOVE daddy, you are not the boss of daddy!" And do you know what his dad said? "Yea daddy, be NICE!" Turning everything I said around. Then she wouldn't eat her dinner, which was spaghetti, and she kept reaching over and wiping her hands on my shirt that I was wearing for the FIRST TIME which had white stripes on it(see picture in previous post)...and then when I finally get her to go to my FIL, he's bouncing her around on his knee even though D warns him she's going to throw up. I pulled out my Tide pen and went to work on my shirt and Hailey wanted me back, and my FIL started making fun of me, telling everybody I was doing laundry! Not to mention the fact that I could not in fact find anything I could eat there. They(as in my inlaws) acted like I was being a huge pain, just for the sake of being difficult...because first I asked what the kids menu items were, because they didn't have any printed up. THEN, I had the waitress go check to see if their feta is made from goats milk or regular milk because I am allergic to goats milk. Sure enough, it was made from goats milk. Then I had to check if the manicotti had feta in it. Yea it did. Everything did. And you couldn't customize anything, which is weird??? So I had the hardest time finding something to eat. Finally I had to get a whole 10" pizza to myself, because I wanted artichoke hearts and canadian bacon and his mom said that was gross so she wouldn't share. It was smothered in cheese, it was so rich it was gross. I got a side salad too, and scarfed that down. By the end of the meal, between Hailey and my in-laws and the stress of not being able to find anything I could eat...I was so sick to my stomach. And exhausted. And I just wanted to go home, cuddle with Hailey, and then go to bed. But my mother in law wanted to see the scrapbooks. I showed her what I'd done, which is pretty much nothing, and told her it was because I didn't have any pictures. She had said she'd take me to print more pictures and buy more supplies, and now she's not. So I'm really irritated. I can't get it through her head that we are poor. She thinks it's all a time issue, because she's all like "oh I have the same problem, there's a million things on my list too but I have no time..." when I mention to her about adding things to the list like getting the oil changed and getting medical tests done to see what the hell is wrong with me or getting Hailey’s pictures taken (which my MIL keeps hinting that we need to do)…HELLO, my list is all about money, not freaking time. And then she wouldn't leave! I didn't get Hailey to bed til almost 10 because she wouldn't leave! I literally had to go to the front door, holding a very tired and very agitated Hailey and say “ok I have to put her to bed now, thanks for coming!!” And then I tried to call my mom afterwards to talk to her, and she literally just sat there not saying a word, yawning in my ear. Talk about making me feel boring. I got off the phone with her quickly and I just lost it. I felt like I have nobody to talk to, about anything. I wrote this whole long blog post just letting everything out, and the damn wireless internet my FIL hooked up kicked me off and I lost ¾ of the post!! I was so upset I just went to bed and bawled about everything. Out of desperation, I finally called D. I wasn’t even making any sense. Somehow from what I was saying he thought I was griping that we don’t own a house and that it’s all his fault. I didn’t even say that. Finally at the end of the conversation he told me I need to go see a dr. Which I don’t have the guts to do, and one day I’ll be feeling like yea I need to go see one then the next day I’ll be fine again so I never do. I think he called me back later telling me he loved me and it would all be better in a year…and I woke up with puffy eyes this morning from crying myself to sleep. I'm better this morning, but not back to normal yet. I’m sort of forcing my good mood, and it’s not working very well.

D did make some progress last night. Yesterday he called me on his way home, and told me he realized something. I don’t know he’s noticed me pulling away from him or what. But he told me he realized he sleeps 8 to 10 hrs. a day. Plays golf for like 6 hrs. Where does that other 8 hrs go? He said “because I’m sure not getting to spend much time with you and Hailey.” I told him I’d been trying to get him to realize that for a long time. He wants to do something w/ just me this weekend. Something like we used to do, before we had Hailey. Like go to a movie, or just drive around out in the country, or go to the Lake for the day. And I do to! I really do. But my mom’s working and Saturday is her “date night,” and I don’t want his parents watching Hailey…because they just cannot get it through their heads that she’s not W, their grandson. They disregard everything I tell them to do with her and act like she’s W, and treat him like they treat him. So she’s underfed, around icky animals, put to bed to cry herself to sleep, drinks WAY too much juice etc. etc. I just don’t feel ok leaving her with them anymore unless I’m desperate, like if I’m sick. And dangit I miss her. I only get to spend about 3 hours a day with her, because I have to work. Maybe that’s part of the reason I resent D spending so much time NOT working…because he’s the reason I never get to see Hailey. I crave time with her, I’m obsessed with her, she’s the best thing in my life. No matter how bad I feel, she makes it all better. And I never get to be around her. The weekends are my time with her. They fly by all too fast as it is…why would I want to take even more time away from her? Even if it is to spend time with D. My time with D is often stressful. My time with Hailey is always fulfilling. Last night when I got home from work, I was pretty down. I was standing at the dining table opening D’s pay stub, and it was less than what we needed it to be. And Hailey walked up, tugged on my skirt and said “Mommy?” She knew I needed comfort somehow, just like I know when she needs it. She made me turn around, and held up her hands with a big smile. I picked her up and she cuddled into me, belly to belly, holding on so tight around my neck. I rocked her for a while, and it was so nice. She’s my little angel, I really do not know what I’d do if I didn’t have her. She is just the best thing that’s ever happened to me. The rest of my life is hard…I resent anything that takes time away from her. I don’t get to be a SAHM, so I resent my husband and my job. It’s their fault. UGH…see how screwed up I am? I just don’t know what to do. I know the only way I’m going to be happy is if D gets a decent job to where I can stay home with the kids. I don’t care if we ever get a house…if I’m home with my kid all day, getting to spend quality time with her I will be happy. I’ll be a better person, and I’ll be able to be a better wife. I’m just spread too thin right now, and I’m unhappy with what I have to do. I really feel like if I can get through this next year and D can find a decent job, that in about a year and a half I should be able to do what I need to do. That just seems like so long from now…

I wanted to try to end this post w/ a positive. So here’s a cute Hailey story…

This morning I was getting dressed and after I took my shirt off Hailey ran over w/ a big smile on her face, pointed and said "That boobs!!" Then she started trying to pull up her shirt, "See boobs! See boobs??" So I helped her, and she pointed and said "boobs!" and giggled and then said "Down!" and put her shirt down. She's definately mommy's little girl! And she learned the word "camel" this morning, but she says it "mammal" so she was going around talking about her "mammals" this morning and she even took them to school.

Well now I’m finishing this post, and it’s after lunch. I went to eat with D, and we went to try to get new cell phones. His didn’t work at all anymore, and mine only did half the time. We were up for renewal Monday, but the lady was so nice and called Customer Service and they let us renew 3 days early. I didn’t have to pay anything for my phone, and we got D’s at a huge discount…and I have to say, his is a pretty cool phone. I’m pretty jealous. And he’s pretty darn happy, after having the “cheap phone” out of the two of us since we first got cell phones back in 2001. And we also talked and decided that the best thing to do is for me to call my grandma tonight and just tell her that this is the last weekend we have together as a little family before D goes back to school. From then on he’ll be busy every single weekend, even out of town for at least half that time. So I’m sorry if my grandma gets mad, and I do feel bad about cancelling so late. But hopefully she’ll understand. We desperately need this weekend for us. That made D incredibly happy. He’d finally agreed to go with me to my grandma’s, but he was VERY relieved when I told him I was going to call her and tell her we aren’t coming. So now we just have to decide what exactly we’re going to do this weekend. I hope Hailey’s in a good mood tonight, I’m really looking forward to picking her up in 1.5 hrs!! It’s not quite as hot out as it has been I don’t think. If she’s in a good mood I might take her to the park!