Hello Monday

Well this weekend was really nice. I got in some much needed time with my husband, just hanging out around the house together and being a normal family. It has definitely changed my perspective on things.

This weekend was a little odd at the same time though. I’m still so worn out. I don’t know why. I used to be fine going to bed at 11 or 12 and getting up at 7:30 with Hailey. Now, I go to bed at 11 and she sleeps til 9, which means I get 10 hours of sleep…and I’m still so tired. I haven’t been doing as much around the house. My floors desperately need vacuumed, but I just haven’t had the energy. I haven’t been picking up her toys like I usually do at the end of every day. It’s just weird. I can’t seem to shake this exhaustion, no matter what I do. And I feel bad. Because although my mom says it’s good for Hailey to have a nice relaxing weekend at home with us, I still feel like I should be down on the floor with her trying to color or something like that…not letting her wander around playing all by herself. I’ve always been like that though, I feel bad if I take a day for me to just lay around or do chores…I feel like I’m neglecting her. I know I need to get over that. But still…and I’ve also been snapping at her sometimes. Not bad, but like on Sunday we went to a place to eat here in town because we had gift certificates. She’s usually so good at this place. Granted, she hadn’t had a nap yet and it was 12:30. But I was still shocked at how much of a tantrum she threw when it was time to sit down and eat. She refused to sit in her booster. She knocked the ketchup onto the seat, splattering it everywhere. She knocked her milk down, splattering that everywhere. I was at my wits end. I was starving, I really wanted to eat because I was feeling sick, and here she was being such a little turd. And D’s just sitting there helpless as I struggle to control her...he has no idea how to handle her when she’s like that. I felt like people were looking at me like I was a bad mom…these people sitting there with their well behaved kids, not throwing anything and eating peacefully and quietly. At one point I almost lost it, so I grabbed her off the seat and stormed off…I had no idea what I thought I was going to do or where I was going to go…so I just decided to go get more napkins. It diffused the situation a little bit, but not enough to where she was well-behaved. I was very glad when we were done, and very thankful that D didn’t utter a single word of criticism on how I was handling our child through the whole meal. He was on my side for once, and it was nice. We took her home and put her down for a nap, and I laid down for one myself. She only slept for an hour though. What’s the deal, Saturday she didn’t take a nap AT ALL, and yesterday for only an hour???? I guess we’ll see how she does this week. But when I woke up to her crying yesterday D had already gotten her out of her crib and she was crying for me. From the hallway I heard him telling her “No Hailey mommy’s trying to take a nap, Daddy’s here now” and she just wouldn’t let up, so I gave up and went in there and took her. I love the mommy-daughter bond we’ve got going, but sometimes I really wish D would be able to handle her and comfort her like I can. But most of the time she just wants me and only me. After dinner last night I got REALLY dizzy. I couldn’t even walk, let alone pick her up. And she got a case of the poops, which she wouldn’t let D change either time. I had to have him hold her down while I tried my best to change her, bracing myself so I wouldn’t fall over. I have no idea what was going on. It was like I had just spun in circles and I was dizzy and couldn’t see straight. It lasted til I went to bed. I woke up still a little dizzy this morning. Now I just feel incredibly nauseous. I feel like I need something else in my stomach besides yogurt, but the only thing that I feel like I could keep down is soup and a sandwich from this café near here…which oddly enough, is one of the few things I could eat while I was pregnant with Hailey in the beginning. So I’m going to lunch early to miss the lunch time rush there. Seriously if I wasn’t on the pill I would swear I was pregnant. But I don’t think the nausea and dizziness kicked in with Hailey til I was a good 5-6 weeks, at which time I was already having the cramping which I do not have now. I was on that antibiotic, which lessens the effectiveness of the pill, but I think the timing was all wrong for that to happen. Plus, by timing, I should just now be ovulating if I was going to ovulate…so unless I got pregnant last month while on the pill and then had a light 3 day period…something else is wrong with me. That would be all I need right now…and to make matters worse, my mom brought me some decongestants on her way to work this morning and she asked me if I was pregnant. ????? Thanks Ma. I cannot be pregnant right now, I just can’t. The timing is so bad, it would be just like last time. Nobody would be happy. And I am just not ready for that. We have a lot of stuff to sort out first. But I really don’t think I am anyway, so that’s good…but I do feel like something’s wrong with me, and I’m sick of it. I wish I had a better dr. so I could get to the bottom of it after all this time. What the heck could be going on?? I’ve searched WebMD to death and come up with nothing. I have all these weird symptoms but I can’t find anything that encompasses all of them. I’m just sick of feeling like crap!!