Confused

Well last night was another not so good night. It started snowing again—blah!!—and by the time I got home from visiting at my mom’s it was 10:00. I had Miss H in bed by 10:30. I got to bed a little after midnight and I was SO exhausted. Hubby came to bed sometime after 1:00…had to watch Mythbusters at midnight, you know he couldn’t miss that! And at 2:15, Miss H starts crying. I was so out of it because I was so tired, when I got out of bed I thought I was in the living room and I tried to walk down the hallway through the dining room, but I was really in the bedroom tripping over the huge mound of dirty clothes we have piled in our master bath. I kept trying to go back and turn on the floor lamp, which I couldn’t find, because again, I was NOT in the living room…and I kept saying “I need a light!!” and finally I touched my touch lamp beside my bed just by chance, and realized where I was finally…not a good start…so I go in her room, and she’s fussing while holding her pacifier in her hand. I pop in back in her mouth, she goes back to sleep, I go back to bed and 5 seconds later she’s fussing again. I go back down the hall, and this time she does not want her pacifier and she is awake. I got her out of bed, tried to rock her, she kept wanting down onto the floor. So I took her to our bed. Sometimes if she’s not feeling well she sleeps better with us. She didn’t want that either. She fussed and cried. I am normally soooooooo patient with her, but all these nights of no sleep have really gotten to me and I just couldn’t help but snap at her and beg her to go back to sleep. Hubby got up and made her another bottle, I rocked her again, she sucked the bottle down and I laid her in her crib fast asleep, only for her to begin banging around her crib as soon as my head hit my pillow. I got up and she was wide awake again. I went into our bedroom, which made her cry because I left her in her crib, and yelled at hubby to wake his butt up because I was losing it and I had to get up in the morning and he didn’t have school today so he could sleep in. He kept telling me no, no no no I’m too tired go away. I believe I called him an asshole, again because I am so exhausted, and he told me to leave him alone…I proceeded to sissy slap him all over his body(on the covers people, not trying to hurt him, I was just releasing my frustration) and he called me a crazy bitch and got up to go get her. Now, thinking of this makes me laugh hysterically…but in the heat of the moment this just made things worse for me. We do really love each other dearly, but we were exhausted!!!!! So he brings her back to bed and I change her diaper because it was full, and I put some Orajel on her gums because she didn’t want her pacifier so I thought maybe her gums hurt. Well that just pissed her off, royally, so she proceeded to throw a huge fit. I thought ok maybe she has a tummy ache, she had been tooting HUGE big girl toots that would make her Aunt A proud all evening…so I gave her a half dose of Tylenol, hoping it would help with whatever pain she was having. Well she still didn’t want to lay down with us. She started trying to climb over me and dive head first off the bed onto the floor. I kept putting her back between us, and she would just cry and cry. I had done all I could do, nothing helped, so I just let her cry for a minute. Well hubby couldn’t take it, said this was ridiculous, and took her out into the living room. I fell asleep within 15 minutes with the light on. I could hear Miss H in the living room babbling and playing with her toys. I woke up this morning at 7 and found them both passed out on the living room floor, and hubby had no idea what time she finally fell asleep. WHAT HAPPENED????? I have no idea what’s going on. Tuesday night I thought ok the soy formula didn’t agree with her, she woke up with a tummy ache and got so woke up she wanted to play. But then it happens again last night! Did she have another tummy ache and got so woke up again? She did have a new baby food dinner for supper, and it was pretty tomatoey, but she didn’t eat much of it…so maybe that upset her stomach? Or maybe since she didn’t eat much of it she woke up starving?? I am hoping and praying to God that she doesn’t do this again tonight. Normally when she wakes up every now and then at night I don’t give her a bottle. I don’t want her to get used to getting up in the middle of the night again to eat. She hasn’t done that since she was 4 months old. Maybe I need to up her intake of baby food during the day? A bigger lunch maybe? She’s already drinking at least 30 oz. of formula a day. And it’s not like she’s napping too much during the day. She only slept an hour and a half yesterday at the sitters. I’m just kind of at a loss on what to do or what’s wrong. All I do know is that I am so incredibly tired, I’ve been in this fog all day and my whole body aches from lack of sleep. It’s much worse than when I was on maternity leave when she was a newborn, because I work 8+ hrs a day now and then go home and chase Miss H around and do housework all night, get to bed late because I have so much to do to prepare for the next morning, and then if I only get 3 or 4 hrs of sleep a night, by the end of the week I’m a wreck. Emotionally and physically. At least on maternity leave I could nap if she napped. And to make it worse I had my review at work yesterday and it was absolutely horrible, my boss has really gone off her rocker. Everybody’s was bad from what I hear, and the older lady I work with that is only one year away from retirement is now telling me she is so miserable here that she doesn’t even think she can go one more year here! In my review I was basically told to shape up by July or it will mean “taking disciplinary action or termination of employment.” I do my work, and I make very few errors, but nothing is good enough for this dept. Everybody in this dept. is trying to find new jobs, it’s so crazy, we are all very good employees, very knowledgeable in our fields/positions, and it’s just so sad that we’re all being put through this. It’s been going on for years now, ever since this new supervisor took over. She used to be our co-worker, and didn’t really get along with anybody. Bad situation from the get-go. I have been told insane things like when I was pregnant, I was told I could not have morning sickness in the afternoon because morning sickness happens in the morning, and that she should know because she’s been pregnant before!! I called in maybe oh 2 days my whole pregnancy and that was when I was just unable to even make it to work without throwing up in the car. And I was also encouraged to find a different job, WHEN I WAS PREGNANT. I informed them that my friend who used to work here that had left a while back was in the process of looking for another job, and she had her Masters in Accounting and nowhere would hire her once they found out she was pregnant…and I have never even been to college. My brother had a girlfriend he got pregnant years ago, and she looked everywhere for a job, even McDonalds and Taco Bell, and nowhere would hire her either. I went home that day after being encouraged to quit, BAWLING, freaking out, here I am pregnant and have major bills to pay and I’m going to lose my job. Thank God the stress didn’t cause me to miscarry. I was only about 13 wks at the time. Then more recently I was told I cannot do personal things on my lunch hour, like make calls to dr.s offices and such. I was shocked, how in the world can they tell me I cannot do personal things on my own time?!?! And it was brought up on my review how when I get in trouble for things like this I become defensive and argumentative. Ok I’m sorry but when they tell me I can’t do personal things on my lunch hour I’m going to get defensive…I have gotten in trouble before for working on my lunch hour…now they’re telling me not to do personal things on my lunch hour…what am I supposed to do on my lunch hour for goodness sakes??? And this is how everything is. They tell you one thing, then you get in trouble for doing it the way they told you to, so you change, then you get in trouble again….it never ends. I have been told numerous times I don’t get my work done in a timely fashion…ok that’s why I never miss deadlines and get emails from vendors/other employees about what a wonderful job I do and how on the ball I am etc. ??????????? And I also didn’t get a raise this year. Because I’m such a horrible employee in their eyes. And our insurance rates skyrocketed, and I already can’t afford the bills I have so I was really hoping my raise would at least cover the insurance premium increase. So needless to say I’m just really stressed about all this, and I have no way of fixing any of it right now. I can only wait it out the next year and a half until hubby graduates and gets a job so I can quit and stay home and do home daycare. He’s supposed to get an internship (with pay, woohoo!) this summer to get the experience he needs with the dept. to get a job after he graduates. I just don’t know what to do in the meantime, I cannot let them fire me, but I have tried everything I can to make them happy with me and they just aren’t happy with any of us. And we are all very different, come from different backgrounds etc. so it’s obviously not the employees it’s the management. And I haven’t heard back from the place I interviewed at last week, so I don’t know what to think about that. I’m afraid I didn’t get it for some reason. I’m being told to call them tomorrow to check on the status of the position, but I just took the Excel test Monday, shouldn’t I give them a week? I don’t know, I’m knew to the whole hiring process.

I really wish I had more readers so I could get some advice, I mean it makes me feel better to get all this out but some advice would be reeeeeeealy nice right about now, about any of this.