The Forgotten

I had a dream last night. Actually more like a nightmare. Not the scary type of nightmare, but one where I woke up completely freaked out about what I'd just gone through and just so...disturbed.

I'd been at work all day doing Lord knows what. I met my mom at the car in the parking lot after work...it wasn't a building or a car I know in real life. It was like it used to be though, where we both worked at the same place and rode together to and from work. So we drive home to where she lives now (where I lived before I moved out) and went inside. Then something hit me. I started panicking and trying to explain to my mom what was wrong. We'd forgotten Hailey. Not like forgotten her at the sitter's. I mean forgotten her that day period. I'm in the kitchen standing by the stove, holding on for support so I don't fall down, and Hailey walks downstairs and over to me, crying. She's still in her pj's, hair a mess, snot all over her face, diaper exploding from not being changed. My mom kept telling me it was going to be okay, it's fine, no harm done, she's fine. I was screaming at her that it was not fine, that I neglected my child, she hadn't been fed all day or even had anything to drink...hadn't had her diaper changed. I FORGOT her for God sakes. I felt like I shouldn't even pick Hailey up because I was such a horrible mother but yet at the same time I wanted to grab her and hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay. I remember thinking in the dream "How could I let this happen? How could I FORGET my own child? I'm a horrible parent, I'm one of THOSE parents now...I can never go back and change it, it's happened, I can't change what I've done..."

Then I woke up.

I couldn't get back to sleep for a long time after I woke up from that dream. I couldn't shake that horrible feeling in my gut that I had in the dream...of just utter heartbreak and complete regret that I did that to my kid. What the hell was that dream supposed to mean??? Do dreams really mean anything? They say that dreams are like your body's way of sorting through your thoughts and things you've seen/experienced etc. and filing away the good things while getting rid of the bad. But that doesn't explain why places or things I've never seen pop up in my dreams, or why I would have a dream about neglecting Hailey like that...I hate bad dreams.

I woke up from that one feeling like an absolutely horrible parent. Sure I don't neglect her like in the dream. But I do lose my cool with her sometimes when I'm tired or not feeling well. I raise my voice a little, I grab her and set her down in time out. I get in her face and talk sternly to her. Most of the time it works. But I'm always wondering, am I scaring her into minding me? I don't want that. That's what my dad did to me. How do I change that? How do I learn to talk softly and sweetly to her even when I'm really frustrated or ticked? I feel bad about these things already but the dream just made it worse.

Now I sort of know what it would feel like to be one of those parents who really do neglect their children. What their child looks like after neglect, how they act, so hurt and betrayed and heartbroken. What I did in my dream was an accident though, a mistake, and I felt huge regret and just completely freaked out over what I'd done. I can't imagine being one of those parents that neglect their children on purpose, and just don't care. How could they look at their child looking back at them with that pain in their eyes and not care? And be OKAY with it? Not feel any remorse or guilt?? God it only happened to me in a dream and I'm incredibly upset. I still feel that icky feeling in my gut. It just makes me sick to think there are kids out there right now experiencing what my daughter did in my dream...and that unlike my dream, their parents don't care...that child abuse and neglect is even an issue in this world.

What a nightmare...

I had the worst, weirdest dream this morning. I was with my husband and a few of his friends and his cell phone rang. The number for some tanning place came up. He said he had no idea who that could be and didn't answer it. So I called the number back and a girl answered. I asked her name and she said "S"(who is this girl that is my sister's age, 20, that D works with in real life)...I knew right away what was going on and I looked at him and told him I couldn't believe it. He just said "sorry" like he didn't even care. I grabbed my stuff and Miss H and left and I went to my old friend K's apartment. I haven't seen K since I lived in KS, I have no idea what made him show up in my dream??? It was so weird. But I went to his apt. where he was hanging out with a bunch of his friends, just like back in highschool...he hadn't changed at all except he was older and better looking. And he let us come in and we all went to bed but it was weird because he was taking care of us but at the same time acting like he wasn't too incredibly happy to see us. It just made me wake up feeling totally crappy that my husband cheated on me in this dream(why in the world do I have to keep having dreams about that??) and that nobody else wanted me around either. Jeez talk about a shitty way to start off the day!

I won't be able to get on the internet on my breaks and in any free time I have at my new job like I do at this place. My "space" is very open to everybody, not private like it is here, and while they allow us to use 60 minutes of quota time a day here, there isn't anything like that set up at my new job. It's pretty much use it for work purposes or don't use it at all. So hopefully I'll find time somehow in the evenings to sneak in a post here and there, at least a few times a week :o( My days of poo-watch here are coming to and end very quickly, thank GOD...the chimp hasn't been spying on me anymore(see I knew she had bad intentions!) and my bosses are pretty much leaving me alone. It's been nice. I've taken extra time lately to read blogs, or check email or MySpace...I'm not busting my butt like usual to get things done. Frankly, I just don't care anymore. Leave it for them to do when I'm gone...

My coworker used this body butter stuff from Body Shop today and she smells SOOOOOOO good...all coconutty. Wish I had some of that stuff!!

Apparently Guavas are yucky... and a cheesy mom moment

In case anybody sees the new Yoplait flavors that just came out, Guava and Passion Fruit...and in case you're feeling adventerous and think "hmm, I think I'll try those..." If you've never had a Guava, I really don't recommend trying the yogurt. I've never had a real Guava. They look really yummy. Apparently I don't like Guava.

Not a bad weekend, got a lot of crap put away/thrown away Saturday because 1. I was still looking for this huge check we'd lost and NEED to pay rent this week and 2. I think I got hit with the Spring cleaning bug. House looks semi nice for once. Went to the movie with my sister Saturday night after eating at this Chinese place we used to love. The food is not that great anymore unfortunately so that sucked. And my sister is in this funk lately...she goes through these moody phases...so she's not really fun to be around right now, so that kind of sucked. But the movie(Blades of Glory) was pretty funny. If you like that rediculous mindless humor that is "Will Ferrel"...which I do.--"I wanna cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday"(HAHAHA)--Then she stayed the night that night, and that turned out to be no fun at ALL. She refuses to turn her cell to vibrate. She insists she has to leave it on ring at all times. This means I got woken up literally every 30 minutes, the WHOLE NIGHT...I am not joking. H slept until 10:30 Sunday...I could have majorly caught up on some sleep! But NO...my sister's damn phone kept going off. And then she had set the alarm for 8:00...WHY??? I asked her, and she said "well what time do you get up with H?" HELLO! I said "whatever time she wakes up!" So she said "ok"....and reset her alarm for 9:00!!!!!!!! WTF?!?! I was pretty upset. Her alarm went off at 9:00 and she got up and went home to get ready because apparently we were supposed to go to dinner at my grandma's that day, which the whole family had failed to tell me until late Saturday night(I am ALWAYS the last to know everything, it drives me insane...from now on if I don't know about it in advance, I am most likely not going...but this was my grandma, so of course I went). And of course once my sister left, I couldn't get back to sleep...so I laid in bed til H woke up at 10:30. I found her trying to climb her bumper pad...guess it's time to move her crib down to the very bottom notch. Anyway, I could bitch about some other things from yesterday, but I'm not going to. It was a pretty good weekend. I'm missing my husband like crazy, and he's really missing us. We've had great conversations this whole golf season...usually I end up getting frustrated with him on the phone while he's gone because he wants to say hi bye and get off the phone. He's been actually talking to me and we haven't fought about getting off the phone a single time. It's been great. And I just miss him so bad. I want him home.

I had a dream last night that I had finally finished the huge mountain of laundry I have to do...WOW what a great feeling! Then I woke up and there it was, piled high next to the bathroom at the end of our bed...crap...just a dream.

As I mentioned above, I had been looking for this check for days...tearing the house apart, and it was NOWHERE. Not in the car, not at my mom's, not in my mom's car. It was gone, for good, I just knew it. My mom kept saying she'd help me look, she'd help me look, don't worry it's there somewhere...I worried all week, and all weekend, I just knew it was gone. She FINALLY came over last night to look. I told her it's nowhere, I've checked everywhere there is to check. And she goes in my dining room and picks up a big envelope, looks inside and finds a stack of mail. OH YEAH...I shoved it all in there so I wouldn't lose any of it. 30 seconds people. That's all it took her to find this check. I had been looking ALL WEEK. 30 seconds...awesome mommy skillz. And while on this topic, I should mention how we got a Red Lobster gift card for Christmas from the in-laws. And I promptly lost it. Of course. Looked everywhere, for so long...told the in-laws I'd lost it and I was so sorry. Mother-in-law comes over. Walks in H's room. "Oh what's this??" as she picks a little red and green box up off H's shelf of stuffed animals. Again...not even 30 seconds. This is one mommy skill I cannot wait to aquire. I asked D last night how many years he thought it would be, and he said he thought 5 years of practice should do it...God I hope so, that's gonna be awesome...

H is talking like crazy all of a sudden. She loves all things nature lately, so of course she's saying "dird"(bird), "dush"(bush), "tee"(tree), "cat." And she says "ball" and "moa"(more) and "ite"(bite) among other things. She's such a good baby, so happy(most of the time!). She absolutely LOVES to go places. Go go go, she always wants to be on the go. She loves to sit at the back sliding glass door leaning up against the screen yelling at the birds(her new favorite...and I put sunflower seeds in the back yard to attract them). She's happy as pie if I let her run around in nothing but a diaper and leave the door open so she can get some fresh air. She loves her family, she loves her friends...she loves shopping(as any girl would), and she loves Walmart! Her new favorite foods are goldfish crackers(imagine her sitting in the cart at Walmart, 5 goldfish shoved in her mouth, orange drool running down her chin, with her hand in the bag grabbing her next mouthfull)...and strawberries, she LOVES strawberries. I think she's going to turn into a basket of fruit...she eats so many bananas and cups of all-natural applesauce a day! I just cannot believe she's almost one, and I'm packing away her winter clothes, that she'll never ever wear again...and she's been such a wonderful happy easy baby...and now she's growing up, turning into a toddler.

And she's been so snuggly lately, and I eat it up every time she crawls into my lap. I know the moments of cuddling her like a little baby are going to come to an end before I know it. She's getting so big!! She's growing up too fast. Finally, FINALLY, I'm having one of those cheesy moments where I'm sitting there looking at her little pink winter hat with the pom pom on top and crying, thinking that this year went by way, way too fast.