I'm still here

Things have been pretty crazy over the past 4 days. It hasn't been wonderful, I'm not going to lie. I went to the ER Thursday night where they gave me Zofran for my extreme nausea and sent me on my way. That did its trick, thank God...I got home about 5:30am and called my boss and left a voicemail about what happened and how I wouldn't be there that day (I presume this is what I said, although I can't remember any of it) and then I laid down to try to finally get some sleep. I got about an hour of sleep before my alarm went off at 7:30. I called my boss again...again, I don't remember the conversation except her saying something about that happened to her once w/ a cough medicine. Then I called the babysitter to let her know Hailey would be there she'd just be late...I do remember wanting to get off the phone so badly because I was so out of it. Get this...I don't even remember who took my kid to daycare. That's how messed up I was. It was either my mom or my husband. I have no idea. It was a really scary episode that I never want to go through again. I don't understand why anyone would put themselves in that state intentionally whether it be through abusing prescription drugs or using recreational drugs. Seriously, who would WANT to feel so out of it like that? Anyway, I slept Friday morning and watched TLC and Dr. Phil Friday afternoon until D got home with Hailey.

Saturday was actually okay. Hailey woke up with her right eye gummed shut but I just thought it was her cold and cleaned it off for her. I did some housework, played with Hailey, cooked a really good chicken and rice casserole and took some of that to my mom (she's still got this head cold that the rest of us have except she's worse since she has asthma)...and then went to my dad's for the evening to see my sister's new puppy her husband bought for her for her birthday and try to cheer my dad up. He's being served with divorce papers any day now and knows they're coming so he's pretty down again. Hailey had had diarea for about a week at that point...she had a huge blowout before we left my dad's. I had to give her a bath there it was so bad. Thank God I had extra clothes for her. By the time we got home my left ear was so clogged I couldn't hear out of it.

Sunday Hailey woke up with both eyes gummed shut. I woke with both ears clogged so I could barely hear at all. We had a low key day. Hailey still wasn't eating much but she didn't poop all day either so that was good.

Yesterday, thank GOD we had off work already. I woke up feeling like absolute CRAP. I had a full blown head cold/sinus infection again. Luckily last time I had a sinus infection I was bad and only took like 1 day's worth of my antibiotics so I had almost a full week of that left. I started that and called my dr. No appointments til Friday. Wasn't I just saying she was wonderful? Yea, I'm starting to second guess that...they told me to go to the convenience clinic. That's why I have a dr., so I don't have to go there. Anyway they told me to try Mucinex. I had to take Hailey to the dr. She has pink eye in both eyes and an ear infection. I am at my wits end. It's just one thing after the other lately. I have no idea where she got pink eye, nobody else has it. And we're so good about hand washing and all that. I don't know, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. Luckily Hailey's diarea was gone today, my left ear opened up somewhat and my sinus pressure lessened after I took a nap.

Then last night I had a really hard time getting Hailey to sleep. She kept sitting up and pointing at her door saying "The door Mommy, the door" and if I tried to sit up to look she'd say "Lay back down!" and sort of freak out. I finally got her to sleep and got to sleep myself about 11:30. By 12:30 D was in our room holding her, saying she'd woken up and was insisting on laying down w/ me in her bed. I took her in there. At first she was okay. Then she started freaking out. She begged to go lay down w/ us in our bed. I told her she had to stay in her own bed. She finally settled down but then would cry every 15 minutes or so. I finally got out of her room at 3:30 am and went to bed. I had the monitor on because my head is still clogged and I heard her wake up every 20 minutes or so crying or talking. One time she said "No, I don't like it! I don't like it!" and then went back to sleep. I'm not sure if the eye drops were hurting her eyes even though she repeatedly told me no when I asked her, or if she's starting to have nightmares or night terrors, whatever they're called. I kind of wondered when she was pointing towards her door...D had the dining room light on to do homework and you could see it through the cracks of the door. I normally have the light off. I don't know if this scared her, or what. Her favorite movie these days is Monsters Inc. In the beginning it shows a monster creeping out of the closet door to scare a kid. I think it looks like it would scare her. She's always acted like she thinks it's okay, and then funny when he falls on the jax and hurts his rear end. But maybe w/ the light coming in around her door last night she started putting 2 and 2 together in her little head and got scared? I don't know. All I know is neither one of us really slept last night.

This morning was horrible. I am so upset, for so many reasons. One, she fought her eye drops really bad. She was hysterical. I tried pinning her down, nothing worked. I can pin her down and shove medicine down her throat no problem. But because I can't stand to have anything touch my eye, I could only try for so long to do eye drops on her before I broke down bawling. I hate putting her through that. She was so scared and mad and upset. I called my boss and told her I was going to be late to work. I woke up D and told him what was going on. He had to pin her whole body down and help me pry her eyes open. We finally got it done. The poor thing was still so upset. You could tell her feelings were hurt. She's been telling me so much lately that she loves me, out of nowhere and with such emotion that it almost brings me to tears. I love it. This morning, I could tell by the look in her eyes, she was really hurt. And that hurts me. To make her feel hurt and betrayed like that. I'm supposed to be her safe haven, the person that keeps her from harm. And here I had my legs wrapped around her, trying to pry her eyes open while finally losing it and yelling at her to stay still because Mommy had to go to work or I'd get in trouble. AAAAH! I hate this. It's just not fair. If I hadn't of had to go to work I could have let her sleep in, wake up rested and be more receptive to the drops. She wouldn't be at daycare right now exhausted and feeling like crap, wanting her Mommy. This morning after it was all said and done and she was cuddling in D's lap whimpering while I tried to get dressed...I just lost it. I started bawling. I told D that I've had it. That as soon as we can I have to quit working because it's just not fair to her or to me. I told him I don't care if we have a nice house or nice cars. I cannot do this anymore. I try really hard to hold it all together, but when I've got a sick baby wanting her Mommy and I have to pawn her off on other people because work is getting mad because I'm gone so much, it just gets to a point where I can't handle it anymore. It breaks my heart. And nobody at my work cares what's going on. How I'm feeling, how she's feeling...I don't fit in to their little clique. They all talk behind my back. Even the ones I thought I got along with, as I found out this morning. I got to work this morning 30 minutes late. I was already feeling like I was going to burst into tears at any moment and then I get an email from the completely anal secretary, or building "mom" as I call her that ended with this:

Miscellaneous
One last thing that I have been asked to bring to everyone's attention is that when food is brought in for all of us to share, please use either a napkin, tongs, or other utensil to select an item with. Do not touch an item with your hands if you are not taking it. With as many people as we have in our office, it seems like there is always someone (or their kids) sick, so let's try to minimize the spreading of those germies!

This was directed right to me. Which really really hurts. I had suspected it, but for them to announce it to everyone like that in a building-wide email...that just wasn't necessary. We are scheduled for certain goody days and on my days they never eat what I bring. Then one day the girl that used to be pregnant and have HG said she wanted a scone that another building had brought for us. I was going back there to get some water and I offered to help her move them to another tray because the other building wanted their tray back that evening. I washed my hands really well and while she washed a third tray I moved them onto one of the trays we already had. I even commented on how I wash my hands so much they are so dry they hurt, because I didn't want her to think it was gross that I was touching all of them. After I had moved them all, she made the comment "I think I'm just going to have my leftover bagel" and then walked off. I even told my mom what happened that day, and how I really thought that she didn't eat one just because I'd touched them. I had a cold at the time, but ok I had just washed my hands really well and I barely touched them! With 2 fingers, just long enough to plop them on the other tray. The next day a few of them were gone, but most of them were thrown away. What hurts is this is one of the girls I talk to on a regular basis. That I thought liked me. But apparently my suspicions were true. I had a feeling she went and told the others what had happened so they wouldn't eat them. Then we get that email today and I know that it was directed at me. I'm one of the very few that has little kids and I'm the one that touched all the scones. From now on, when it's my turn to bring for goody day I'm not wasting my time cooking some nice dessert that they're not even going to eat. I'll just buy something cheap. One time I bought nice frozen chocolate pies and nobody even ate those! I mean these were good expensive pies! If they make a comment when I bring in a package of store made cookies I'll just say I didn't want to get them sick from my daughter's germs. But what really bites my ass is the fact that in this same email, the lady makes the comment that if you use the dishes in the lunch room you need to help unloading the dishwasher. I'm one of the few that don't help with this because I rarely use the dishes and I didn't want to touch them all and possibly infect them with my germs, seeing as how they obviously think I'm gross since they never eat the food I bring in. So, I'm not supposed to touch their food, but I am supposed to touch the dishes they're going to eat said food off of? Riiiiiight. That makes a whole lot of sense. I'm not talking to any of them anymore. I'm done. Monthly birthday lunches? Screw that. I've got errands to run. I'm sick and tired of them treating me like a disgusting outcast...because what, I rent my home and none of them do...I am poor, and they're all swimming in money...I wear older clothes, they've all got a wardrobe full of new fashionable outfits. Whatever. They don't even know me...they don't even try to get to know me. They don't like the other new lady either, because she's an older lady that doesn't care about fashion or money and is, get this, "too helpful." The only person that doesn't act like I'm disgusting is my boss. She's pregnant and she even asked to use my Chapstick last week when I had a cold. I assured her I hadn't used it in weeks so it would be okay and she really didn't seem too overly concerned. Anyway, the point of my rambling is I'm hurt.

And I haven't started yet even though it's already Tuesday. I switched to a new brand this last month, I'm praying to God that's the reason. I'm sorry I know babies are great and all, but I will be devastated if I'm pregnant. That is just so not what I need right now...and I don't want a repeat of how my life went when I got pregnant with Hailey. I wanted the next time to be different.

Sorry for the huge pity party but things are just bad right now. Hopefully they start to get better from here on out.