Here's to hoping...

Things have brightened considerably in the recent months. A little update...

~I quit my job at the daycare I was working for. It was turning Hailey into a MONSTER. The kids there were so bad. And they worked my ass off, 10 hour days, for about 3.60 an hour (what my pay came down to after I paid Hailey's fee to attend). So as soon as D got a job, I quit. And I'm so happy I did. Hailey's getting back to normal now that we're home again.

~I started watching a little girl at home. I'll be keeping my nephew as well as soon as the registration with the state goes through. He's state paid. I'm already making more money now, with just one kid, than I was making at that daycare. Which means between D's job and mine, we can finally pay all our bills. Thank God.

~I finally gave D a last ultimatum months ago. I think between me calmly telling him that if he doesn't start acting like a husband I'm getting my own place, and him having such a rough time finding a job without help from family for once...he grew up. His eyes finally opened. He FINALLY heard what I was saying, and took it to heart. He's been amazing. Not like helping around the house once in a while, playing with Hailey once in a while like he used to, amazing...but like REALLY amazing. Like I finally have a husband I brag about. And want to spend time with. And MISS when he's gone. It's totally weird. He talks to me. He takes interest in our lives. He's INVOLVED. He plays with Hailey a ton. They've become little buddies. He even talks to my family now...tells my mom things about Hailey when she comes over, and even talks to my cousin. She told me recently that when he started doing card tricks on her, she knew she'd been accepted. LOL Things have been great. He's finally grown up. God it took him long enough.

~With that said, we've decided to start trying for another baby. We're finally at a place where it would be a good thing. Hailey's at the right age, we're getting along better than we ever have, we're somewhat financially stable, I'm able to stay home AND make money...it's the perfect situation. And I can't wait. I've never been able to really try for a baby before. We tried for one month after I was let go from my job back in May...we thought since I was going to be home from then on, it was a good time. But I went back on the pill right away when I found out we weren't successful that month, since things weren't looking so good between D and I. So for really the first time in my life, I'm finally TRYING for a baby. I didn't get to appreciate Hailey as a baby, and I cannot WAIT for the next one. I feel like I already love it and it's not even real yet LOL This will be my first time experiencing that joy and love at first sight. My mom's finally ready to be a grandma again as well. All that she asks is that we have another little girl. :) I'm hoping for another little girl as well, but anything is fine as long as it's healthy! We've just started our 2nd month trying, so hopefully we won't have to wait TOO long!

~I've started really figuring out the little things that make me happy, and doing those things for myself. This year WILL be a better year. Last year was insane. This year I'm taking things day by day, and really appreciating EVERYTHING we have, appreciating the time we have together, and remembering it's the little things in life that count. I'm drinking hot tea more. And coffee. I found these amazing coffee bags, just like tea bags...that make great single cups of coffee! I'm horrible at brewing a pot. I'm reading more. I'm watching a couple TV shows that I love without missing episodes. I hold Hailey's hand. I read her books. Lots of books. We love books! I look forward to cuddling with Hailey in bed every night. She sleeps with me now. D snores so super bad, it finally came to a point where we just had to start sleeping in separate rooms. And although everyone says it's better for Hailey to sleep in her own room...we just don't care. My favorite part of the day is cuddling up with her in bed, reading books, watching about 10 minutes of one of her movies, and then falling asleep with her snuggled up to my back. I love it.

~We found out after my sister moved to Haw.aii that her husband has to be deployed yet AGAIN. This time to Afghanistan. This will be his 3rd deployment. She's alone in Haw.aii. I've offered to let her stay with us for the months that he's gone. I hate to think of her being alone. She's like me. We need our people.

SO, here's to hoping. Hoping that my brother in law comes back home to us healthy and safe. Hoping for another baby. And hoping that 2010 proves to be a MUCH better year than 2009...that this year will be full of happiness and peace for my family!!

Warm Cranberry Tea

I came across a recipe in the new Dillard's Southern Living Christmas Cookbook (on pg. 124) that I just had to try. I've had a horrible chest cold lately and any sort of hot drink sounds SO GOOD. They're super soothing on the throat! We ran to Walmart today to get the ingredients and Hailey helped me make a big batch. It is unbelievably YUMMY!!! (Excuse the blurry pictures, they were taken with my camera phone!)

Warm Cranberry Tea

Prep: 5 min. Cook: 20 min.

1 (48 oz.) jar cranberry juice cocktail

2 cups sugar

1/4 cup lemon juice

4 (3 inch) cinnamon sticks

1 Tbsp. whole allspice

1/2 gal. unsweetened tea

1 cup orange juice

Bring first 5 ingredients to a boil in a large dutch oven; reduce heat, and simmer 10 minutes. Remove from heat. Remove cinnamon sticks and allspice; stir in tea and orange juice. Yield: 16 cups.

Cool Cranberry Tea: Prepare recipe as directed. Chill tea mixture 2 hours. Stir in 1 liter ginger ale, chilled, just before serving. If desired, garnish with lemon slices, fresh cranberries and cinnamon sticks. Yield: about 20 cups.

Update

Things have been crazy lately, as usual.

My sister went back to California, and is now a resident of beautiful Hawaii.

Last weekend I drove to STL to visit my cousin and her little girl. That night about 11:00 Hailey started coming down with a fever. My cousin's little girl got sick the next day...I'm used to Hailey having bugs here and there so I didn't think anything of it. My cousin, on the other hand, has always been a stay at home mom which means her daughter has hardly ever been sick. So she freaked at the 102 degree temp and took her to the dr. It's a good thing she did...the girls apparently had swine flu. Which it turns out, really isn't that big of a deal! Unless you have a heart or breathing problem, which neither of the girls do, thank goodness. Hailey was over her fever Tuesday.

Monday I left Hailey with my unemployed husband and went to apply at a childcare center right outside of town. They had me work on the playground for about an hour. They told me to go into DFS the next day and see about qualifying for free childcare. Yet again, being married screwed me over...we don't qualify. With or without D working. Without him working, they consider him able to care for her while I work. With him and I both working, even if we didn't make over 8$ an hour each, we still would be over the income limit because we only have one kid. I called the owner of the center Tuesday afternoon to let him know what I found out. They were very nice and said they could give me a 40% discount for Hailey to go there. He called me back later that day and just like that, I had a job. I started my new job Wednesday, only 2 days after I applied. My first day was HORRIBLE...but I think it was only because I wasn't quite prepared for what they wanted me to do, and because I hate change with a passion. Also Hailey stayed home with D for most of the day, to make my first day a little easier on me...D ended up bringing her at about 2:00 though, so he could go hunting. Nice. He hasn't changed. So the rest of the day was difficult, her clinging to me, not wanting me to do my job etc....I mean she's had my full undivided attention for 4 months now. Anyway, long story short, I completely changed professions from boring ol' accounting...and am now a teacher of an awnry, energetic, and adorable group of 2 year olds! I never quite believed I would be a teacher, even though I always sorta wanted to be. It's a HUGE job. With little pay. But it's worth it, it's rewarding, it's fun, and I get to wear YOGA PANTS to work every day if I want!! (Did I mention how much WORK this job is?!?! I never get to sit down. I sweep and mop floors, constantly pick up and clean, and I'm not even going to talk about the bathroom breaks right now, with 6 to 8 little 2 year olds running amock. It's craziness! But I love it...and hell, I may even lose some weight because of all the activity! LOL)

Amidst all the craziness of starting a new job and falling into place there, and trying to get my kid used to being in a new school, she comes down with ANOTHER fever. Complains of her ear hurting, and on my 3rd day of work throws up all over my bathroom. I called work, told them I'd be in a few minutes late, scheduled a dr. appt. for Hailey and had to leave her home with my (still) unemployed husband...and he's sick too, which means he's a huge baby right now, as well as a humongous GRUMP. Luckily they let me off work at 11:30 so I could come home and take Hailey to the dr. She had a horrible ear infection, bulging ear drum etc. Poor baby :( Rough week for her. She's on meds now and on the mend. Thank God.

Now I am on the hunt for lesson plans and activities for 2 year olds...the group I have have had so many different teachers (apparently nobody sticks around for long because 2 year olds are not the desired age to teach) that they don't know their colors, shapes, how to count or say the ABC's...any of it. It's hard to do activities when they don't even know the basics, and haven't been taught how to behave. So far I think things are going great. I think the kids are going to learn to listen to me...even after just 2 days in the classroom with them, I've been told they listen to me better than they have anybody else, even better than the other teachers that still work there. They seemed to have some fun with the activities I came up with (shape hokie pokie and playing WITH them during free play--which the teachers of the other classes don't do.) I'm still nervous about this week...the things that worry me are little things, like when do I schedule recess? The center doesn't have set times, which seems crazy to me. The place seems unorganized, it drives me nuts. I got lucky last week, it was way too rainy to even think about going outside. I just hate not knowing what's coming up, when to do what, etc. I like to be prepared. I know the longer I'm there, the better things will get. It's just getting to that point that is the hard part.

As far as D goes...I don't have a clue what to do. He can't get a job, not even an INTERVIEW. He's been applying everywhere, even places like Home Depot and Bass Pro. He's applied for janitor positions at the college here in town, because he's got 9 years of experience in that area. But he hasn't gotten a single interview anywhere. He's frustrated, but not as frustrated as he should be. He doesn't care that bills are going unpaid. He's still going hunting and playing golf a lot. He's going NOTHING around the house...and he criticized me for not making the house spotless when I wasn't working...even though I had Hailey to take care of and entertain all day every day. He doesn't watch her, he doesn't have a job...but yet he does nothing but make the house DIRTIER. I'm trying very hard to deal with a sick kid, a new job with long hours, my FMS problems (exhaustion and hurting) AND keep the house clean. I might as well be single. Seriously. I've come so super close to making him leave. When it comes down to it, I just don't want to move in with my mom. I'm so used to having my own space. In a perfect world, I would have enough money to get an apartment of my own for Hailey and I. And D would still be courteous, and pay child support when he got a job, and let me have full custody so he could go off and do whatever he wants whenever he wants. I cannot be without my daughter. I don't trust him with her for a day, let alone a weekend...especially with the fact that he'd be living with his parents (because face it, regardless of what he thinks, he could NOT support himself) and they do things like not feeding her because she isn't complaining about being hungry. And she hates staying there. She refuses to spend the night with them. UGH I just never wanted to be in this mess. I do love D, like you would love your best friend that you've had for the last 10 years. But he treats me like crap, and doesn't act like a husband at all. Still. And I just can't put up with this forever. I'm so torn on what to do. Right now I'm going to concentrate on my new job, and eventually, HOPEFULLY, I'll work things out in my head and be able to move on with my life...whether it's with him, or not.

To switch to a brighter subject...the pumpkin festival in Hartsburg, MO is coming up soon and I'm SO super excited!!! My mom took the whole weekend off work...I'm not even bugging D to go this year. My mom, Hailey and I are going to go and have a blast! I should have a new picture to put up after next weekend...I'll do like I normally do and post each year's picture, so everybody can see how much Hailey has changed!! :)

If anybody has any ideas for activities for my class, or websites they recommend etc., PLEASE let me know! Thanks!

Is there anybody out there?

Helllllllllllloooooooooooooooo...

After contemplating FO EVA what to do about this here bloggy thing, I guess I'm back.

WOW has my life ever changed.

After my last post things started going really downhill. I just couldn't handle everything, working 40 hrs a week, taking care of Hailey by myself since D was never home to help (or didn't help when he was home), all the stress of my family, financial stress etc. etc. etc. Something had to happen. I was at my breaking point. I was struggling just to make it through each day. Finally, something drastic did happen. I was fired from my job May 15 because I'd been less than 5 minutes late one too many times. No matter the salaried people (including my boss) were often later than myself. OH WELL. Whatever. I'm over it. For appx. 1.5 months I was blissfully happy. Being a stay at home mom was great. Then my husband was laid off from his job because in today's economy, less and less people can afford things like landscaping their yard. And I'm not gonna lie, every week is a struggle. Some better than others. D and I are trying really hard to make our marriage work, and it hasn't been going well at all. We're on another upswing, thanks to my telling myself daily to be more positive and make the best of things. That's all I can do. At least I'm not working anymore, so I can rest when I need to and have more energy for housework and Hailey. I actually cook meals now, take Hailey to the park...and D's looking for jobs. He found out today an application to the university around here was accepted, FINALLY, for a research position...I'm praying that works out well. Anyhoot...

Just a few pretty big things that have happened since my last post...

~In March I took a trip to Cali all by myself, to visit my lil sister. I flew for the first time EVER...all that worrying all my life, of my fear of heights and claustrophibia making me not able to fly...it was all for nothing! The minute that plane started to take off, I felt nothing but excitement. It was an absolute thrill. I would fly again tomorrow. I loved it.

I flew into LAX. Never thought in a million years I'd be in LA. Let alone flying into the LAX. Awesome.

I saw the ocean for the first time in CA...Redando Beach. Loved it.

And I also got my first tattoo (Hailey's initials). All around amazing experience...one that I will never forget.

~D and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary in June. We took Hailey to the Zoo and took her up in the Arch for the first time, which she loved. It was a good day, overall. In September, we will have been together 10 years. (Side note: my cousin's little girl who I swear was JUST a baby a couple years ago, is turning 16 this week. That's how old I was when I started dating D. And now S is turning 16, and somehow that realization is making me feel SUPER duper old!)

~A couple weeks ago I drove a bajillion miles with my cousin in tow, all the way from Mid-MO where I live to 29 Palms, CA to pick up my sister. We made the trip in 2 days, stopping at a hotel to sleep one night in Tucumcari, NM. We drove through Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and finally into California. I never want to drive through mountains again. We drove back to Mid-MO after sleeping one night at my sister's. She did most of the driving this time, thank God. We took a different route this time, through Las Vegas which was too cool, Utah (we stopped briefly in Salina to TRY to sleep in a hotel parking lot...we failed to get any rest, and I was suffering from it pretty bad...I hurt something HORRIBLE). I don't think I've ever been so happy to see the sun as I was after that hellish nigh in Utah... Riding through Colorado was absolutely awesome. Amazingly BEAUTIFUL. We stopped in a little town right outside of Vail, and I seriously didn't wanna leave. The little rest stop was right by a mountain stream...talk about amazing. I took over the driving in Denver, but only lasted a couple hours into Kansas. I was just beat. The trip home took a toll on our bodies and our relationships with each other. It was an experience, to say the least. But I'm proud to say I did it. I got to see some amazing places I never thought I'd ever get to see. I visited 7 new states (wow!) and even got to see the lights of Vegas! It was definitely an amazing life experience.

Somewhere in Utah

I'll end with a beautiful picture of Colorado.

I'll be around more from now on, promise...

Tutu Cute

I'm getting so super excited about little miss's upcoming 3rd birthday!! We're doing ONE party this year, finally, and I want it to be lots of fun and excitement for the girlie. I have no idea where it's going to be or what theme we're going to do...but we have the outfit picked out, so at least she'll look nice!! :)

We ordered this tutu off Etsy last night...the fuchsia and black 6" one. It's going to be so cute, I can't wait!! To go under it we ordered these little capri leggings from Walmart.com. Free shipping to the store, they cost me just over 4$!
I'm going to make something like this for H to wear in her hair, except I'll make it on a pony tail holder and use varying black and fuchsia ribbons, minus the korkers because they're a pain to make.

For shoes, we're going to get her a little pair of black and white low top Converse. We're going for a sort of funky, "little girl playing dress up" look...nothing too dressy, but still cute. :) Can't wait!!!

Any ideas for a shirt to go with this outfit??? That's the last piece of the puzzle, and we're completely clueless!!

Uncertainty

Well I'm giving D the option of marriage counseling. He's always said no to it in the past, so I can't see why now would be any different. But I'm so so tired of dealing with this. It's affecting me physically. I'm so stressed I'm getting sick every day now. I've tried not letting it bother me, but the past couple days have been bad. I just can't ignore the fact that it's still not working.

We have no money, and he knows this. Yet he continues to eat out every day for lunch, even though he just bought a nice new cooler to take his lunches in...he's too lazy to make his lunch before he goes to bed and won't get up early enough to make it in the mornings. So we're going to overdraw our account, because he's lazy. Which is nothing new. I've dealt with this every single semester he's been in school. So now he comes home last night and tells me we need to save up $375 for this golf trip to CA which the school can't pay all of the expenses for...I calmly told him to call his dad and ask him for the money because we haven't even paid our property taxes yet. He then proceeded to tell me that he sold a book that day for $45 so he's putting that towards the golf trip. Because I didn't want to fight, I didn't bring up the fact that he KNOWS we're going to overdraw our account, so shouldn't he give me the money for bills and whatnot...I just left it at that. But then today he calls and yells at me that he NEEDS knew windshield wipers. He can't see at all. I couldn't on the way to work this morning either...but he had to PULL OVER for Christ sakes! I told him to get wipers then. But I thought about it, and called him back, and told him to use the 45$ from his book sale for his wipers. And what does he say? "NO! That's for the trip!" Ok, so we're going to overdraw our account for some wipers and pay OD fees. How the hell does that make any sense!??!

Is this normal??? I really need to know...does everyone have to deal with crap like this, or is my husband really the huge idiot I think he is!??! I don't have money to buy groceries, but thank GOD he's got 45$ sitting in his wallet to put towards his golf trip...

Am I over reacting here? I'm starting to feel more and more inclined to get things set up for divorce...getting my credit cards paid off (if he'd ever quit blowing what little extra money we have), putting some money in savings to help with the bills when he's gone...because we all know there's no way in hell I'm getting child support from his sorry ass. How could I, without him having a steady job. Because I'm SO not counting on this whole stupid caddy position in Florida to really happen...and he wouldn't be making squat doing it anyway.

:( Today sucks...

It's been a while...

So...I don't really know where to begin. Things have been sort of crazy...like always I guess. And I haven't felt like writing for some reason. So, if anybody still reads this...here goes. I think I'll just use bullets.

~I'll start off with something that's really silly but that makes me happy...I figured out if I wash my hair at night, sleep on it all night, then put this special gel/cream on it in the morning, I can wear my hair curly with little to no frizz. It's awesome.

~I've gained about 15 lbs over the last 2 months, Lord knows why...and I feel disgusting and lumpy and my clothes are too tight. So I'm back to drinking only diet soda and *trying* not to snack all day or eat a snack before bed (perfect timing, seeing as how my mom just gave me a HUGE box of baklava, which I LOVE...SIGH)

~They threatened me at work finally. Told me if I was late one more day by even a minute they were firing me. I also was instructed to cut down on the dr. appointments (why I haven't been back to the neurologist to sort out my problems) and up my output at work. I've since gotten caught up at work (was behind from being gone almost a whole week sick) and I get here on time or early most days, but now my boss is acting weird towards me and I don't know if I'm just being paranoid or if I have a REASON to be paranoid.

~I finally had to sit down and just tell D that things aren't working. I explained to him that I just don't think he's capable of the kind of love and support that I need, and that it's not fair to both of us to stay together when the relationship just isn't going well. I basically told him I don't think it would be a bad idea for him to move to FL where his new job is going to be. (I'm not moving...) Maybe take a year to find himself, grow up a bit, then come back and see where we stand. I also told him if he does want to stay together we've both got to work at this REALLY hard because things HAVE to change. No more of the whole things are fine for a week or two and then he's back to normal, calling me names, treating me like crap. I FINALLY got to him, he FINALLY really understood what I was saying and it really affected him. Or so I thought. After about two weeks, like usual, we're back to fighting, him being worthless as a husband. So I don't know what to do. I can't afford to live without him. Without a steady job I would never get child support. I really do love him, but sometimes I hate him with a passion at the same time. He finally agreed that we'd always be friends if we do break up, which is something he used to adamantly refuse to...unless I cheat on him, of course. I'm really torn up about the whole thing, about not knowing what to do. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but it's really hard.

~My dad's in jail. I'm so upset about this. He's already talking about not being able to make it. He gets so down, and I know EXACTLY how he feels and how his brain works, because I'm the same way. I'm praying to God everyday to give him the strength to hold on and get through it. I hate it that when he's finally turned his life around and become such a good person, that he has to go to jail for something that happened almost a year ago. (I posted about it on here...)

~My friends have really rallied around me and I thank God every single day for them. My old friends and my newer ones. A group of us came together for no other reason than we all have kids (or were wanting them and trying to get pregnant) and we live in the same town...we're all from different walks of life, different professions, different interests, everything, but we've gotten very close and genuinely care about each other, despite our differences. I don't know what I did to deserve being included, but they did include me, and I am so so thankful! The fact that these are new people, that haven't known me for years and years, that actually like me and want to spend time with me, makes me feel awesome. They don't judge me for my quirks at all...actually they seem to like me for my uniqueness! If it wasn't for my awesome friends and family, I honestly don't know how I would have gotten this far through the mess that is my life lately.

~I'm still having problems being way tired all the time, waking up all the time at night, falling to sleep in less than a minute, hurting off and on, not remembering things...but I'm trying to work through it. If I'm tired, I try to rest. When I'm feeling good, I try to get out and have fun instead of doing housework non stop. I'm trying to make free time and spend it with family and friends that make me happy...even if it means leaving Dan home alone to be bored out of his mind once in a while. People remind me of things I've forgotten, which is super helpful.

~Going along with the last thing about sleep, is another HUGE development. Hailey is now sleeping in her own bed (she's been in our bed for months now) AND for the first time in her life she is putting herself to sleep at night. Which helps me GREATLY. No more laying in there for hours waiting for her to fall asleep. We read a book, say our goodnight saying, kisses, nightlight on, classical lullaby CD on, and I leave the room. She still gets up a couple times most nights, but she goes back to bed without a huge fight and usually falls to sleep within 30 minutes of me first putting her to bed. Last night she didn't get up at ALL!! Now I can put her to bed and go get in bed myself, or go finish a chore, or have time to get on the internet for a little bit...it's wonderful!! I really wish I'd done it sooner. If I ever have another baby, I will for sure try to train them to go to sleep on their own at MUCH sooner an age than I did with Hailey. I do miss snuggling with her at night and falling asleep with her little arm wrapped securely around my side...but it's so much healthier for all of us this way.

~I read all the Twilight books and have seen the movie four times. When it first came out I made D go with me because nobody else was free. The 2nd time I took my sister in law. The 3rd time I took my cousin. And the 4th time I took my mom. My mom shares my love of Twilight, which I think is totally awesome. I have also fallen in love with Rob Pattinson (not because he was Edward in the movie, just because he's him...) and I want an Edward for myself LOL I found a site on Etsy that actually sells scented lotions that are scented like the characters in the book are described as smelling. I absolutely LOVE the Edward lotion. It's become a joke with my family and friends now...my mom called me last night and asked me what I was doing and I told her I was rubbing some Edward all over my butt (my skin's been SO DRY lately!!) HAHA well we think it's funny anyway... In case anybody is interested, the shop is Essence of Twilight.

~I've gotten started back up making things to sell on Etsy...I'm doing more Valentine's Day stuff right now, but will soon be into more general things again. :)
Well I'm still clumsy as ever...I just spilled diet coke all over my desk...maybe that's a sign I need to get back to work ;) Hope everyone is doing well. I'll try to post again soon.

Comfort

It's dizzying how fast my thoughts/feelings seem to change. Sometimes I feel like my mind works on it's own and I'm just along for the ride, dealing with whatever comes along.

I'm wondering now how I could have felt like I dislike my husband, just a week ago. And now, as sudden as it came on, the feeling's gone. It was such a STRONG feeling. Thank God I know not to act on my decisions without thinking in depth about everything. Now, just a week later, I look at him and see somebody that I know I can't live without, no matter how frustrated I get at times. He's my best friend. He knows everything about me. He's the one person, besides my mom, that I feel 100% comfortable around. I can let down my guard and just be me. I love that comfort. And I love him for loving me, despite all my flaws.

Other guys literally make my stomach turn after a while...sometimes just a week, sometimes a couple months...but it ALWAYS happens. There comes a time when I look at them and just think EW. And I turn into a bitch, and they end up not liking me and never talking to me again. I just can't help it. I've been with D over 9 years now, and I am still able to look at him and think how much I love his shoulders, and his arms. And his voice. He's my D, and I don't think that'll ever change. I just need to grow up and realize that that all-consuming love generally just doesn't happen. And honestly, now I don't think I'd want it. We had a talk this weekend where I tried to tell D I felt like we were just really good friends. He disagreed...he told me that we were just well beyond our years, and acted like we'd been married for ages. At first I didn't see it, but after thinking about it for a few days, I see that he's right. I think I just had a momentary freak out, and now that I've dealt with it, we can move on. We do need to learn to respect each other and treat each other with love...that's for sure. But I really think things will get better from here on out. Now that I've realized I don't want anybody else.

what I know...

~My cell phone smells good. :)

~My husband is a freak about hunting, he's so serious about it...yet he answers his phone with a whisper when I call...?? He's weird.

~I know why I'm with D...he's the only guy I've ever been with that doesn't make me sick to my stomach after a while. I feel like such a bitch...but guys just get old REALLY quick. And they never get the hint.

~I'm freaking starving...cookies for breakfast, Starbuck's for lunch and chocolate for a snack is NOT a healthy, filling diet...

~My sister's actually coming home for Christmas, and I'm so excited I think I could explode.

~I'm in love with Robert Pattinson.

~I don't mind snow but I hate sleet that freezes on my windshield so I can't see where I'm going.

~Christmas is going to be awesome this year.

~I love my new haircut.

~My little brother is almost 14, and that makes me feel SUPER old.

Where to begin

Ok so I've been MIA forever. There has been a lot going on. Bullets seem like the most appropriate way to write this post, since I don't have time to go into a whole lot of detail right now. So, this is my always complicated life in a nutshell...as it is right now...

~I'm most likely not going to be staying with my husband. I had an epiphany about 2 weeks ago. I'm turning 26 soon and I don't want to waste the next 10 years of my life with somebody that hurts me left and right, like I have the last 10 years. I want more. I'm sorry. I want to be loved. That's not too much to ask. This is really difficult because while I feel this way now, I can't act on it now. Money and kids complicate things. I'm so confused right now. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. All I know is I want love. I'm sick of waiting. And I'm getting impatient. My family is being totally supportive of me. Thank God for my mom, stepmom and dad. Yes, I did just say thank God for my dad. He has been amazing through all this, giving me advice and guidance. He's being a father, and it's so nice. It's too bad he's about to go to jail. I just want to be friends with D. But I know that could never happen. :( It's all or nothing with him.

~I've been taking care of EVERYTHING around the house with no complaints towards D. I think I'm setting myself up for being a single mom. Why bitch at him a million times to take out the trash when I can just bag it up myself and do a better job?

~I've seen the Twilight movie twice. I'm a Twilight-aholic all of a sudden. I've read all the books, even the partial rough draft online of Midnight Sun on the Stephenie Meyers website. I wish I had an Edward to sweep me off my feet (minus the newborn's hunting me, I have had bad dreams about that...minus the good Edward part, WTF gives??!?!). Because of this movie I'm now in love with Robert Pattinson. I feel like a 13 year old girl again, being so crazy over a famous guy. I think it has something to do with finally finding myself again and not caring what D thinks. All I know is Robert Pattinson is not only hot, but seems to be a very interesting person. LOL I'm such a nerd I know.

~I finally got my hair cut after 1.5 years of letting it grow out. I just got a trim and a few layers, but it looks so much healthier, I freaking LOVE it! I did it on a whim Saturday night. Again, I think it's part of the whole finding myself deal. I've been taking better care of myself lately.

~Hailey's sleeping with us every night now. I've finally admitted to the world that I like having my daughter in bed with me. We go to bed together at night, she cuddles up to my back while I read by the light of my cell phone. It's just so peaceful. I love snuggling with her in the middle of the night. Now if only we could find some way to get D out of the bed...

~By some weird coincidence today I finally found an old friend I've been looking for for years. We'd had crushes on each other our Freshman year in highschool but lost touch when I started dating my then-boyfriend. I've tried to look him up for years with no luck. Then today, right when I'm feeling like I really need a friend to talk to, I got on Facebook and there in the updates I saw his name. Another friend had accepted a friend request from him. I couldn't believe it. So I sent a friend request to him and he IM'd me not 20 minutes later. We talked all day minus the lunch break. I sort of don't know what to think. I feel bad that I'm excited. And there's more to the story. He's engaged to a woman he hates because she cheated on him 6 months ago. If he had the guts or another woman he'd leave her. But he's such a good guy. Very sweet, caring. Always was even back then. He has a 2 year old little girl. But I feel stupid that I feel excited. He lives over 4 hours away. And has a kid. And I'm still married. I'm not being stupid here, we're just getting back in touch and it's been so long but the timing of it all is just so weird.

And now I've gotta go pick up Hailey. I feel like I have no time to blog anymore :(