Funk

I've been in a sort of a funk lately. Just the same ol thing. Problems with D and I, stress in general. Things are finally looking up though. D's working full time, and I *think* he's working on his attitude as well. I also got some much needed family time this weekend-we had Hailey's party Saturday finally which went really well despite being rained out and us having to last minute pick up the front, more public half, of our house so we could have it there...D's grandparents were in town so I got to spend time with them Saturday at the party and then Sunday while D was off playing golf. Saturday night we went to my inlaws for a little more family time. The grandparents gave D an old cigar box filled with really old lures and fishing equipment from Uncle B that passed away. It's really neat and I was very happy that D acted grateful instead of indifferent. Then Grandma handed me a heavy shoe box and told me they had something for me too. But not from Uncle B, just something they had from Grandpa's mom and that they knew I would really like. I opened the box to find two items wrapped in tissue paper. I picked one up and knew what it was right away from the feel of the item through the paper. I hurriedly unwrapped the heavy glass insulator and I actually started CRYING. I didn't cry at my wedding, I didn't cry when Hailey was born, but I cried over a couple old-time glass insulators. Two of them to be exact, and one of them is CLEAR! For some odd reason I have been fascinated with these things my whole life. I never owned any of my own until a few years ago when a lady I've lost touch with found some at a garage sale and gave me a couple (because I actually asked her for some, ok she had a whole bag!), crusted in mud. I took them home, cleaned them up and they are proudly displayed on my kitchen windowsill. But I've never had anybody give me any that knew I love them or what's more, given me any that were family heirlooms especially when I'm not "blood" family. Apparently Grandpa's mother was fascinated with them as well. I told them I've seen then along the highways still attached to the old light poles that aren't in use anymore, on the way from here to Springfield, MO and that I've tried many times to get Dan to stop and let me shimmy up a pole and grab a couple but that he never would stop. Grandpa said that's probably exactly how his mother got them LOL So I'm on the lookout for a shelf for my living room at our new place so I can display my collection of four, with my new ones front and center. I am still shocked that they thought of me like that. It's not like they were trying to get rid of stuff and thought "oh give those to Erin..." I mean they knew I loved those things and knew they had some from his mother and gave them to me just because they know I love them. How sweet is that?? I was so touched I was almost at a loss for words. That was one of the most meaningful gifts I have ever received and I am truly thankful.

Also For the first time ever I really got to talk to his grandma, just her and I. They are the sweetest people, I just love them to pieces--they're much older than my grandma (my dad's mom, the crazy one), they seem more like grandparents to me, in their 80's. But for the first time I really got to talk to her about something other than Hailey or just casual chit chat things like work or whatever. As we sat in the living room at my inlaw's house alone she gently asked me "D's not around much is he?" I told her no, he's not. She said "That has to be hard." I told her honestly yea, it is. She said "He's missing out on so much." I didn't say much but I told her that yes, he is, and that it's really sad. Especially when things happen like that morning Hailey asking D to go with us to his parents' house. He told her no, that he had to go play golf. She was sort of bummed but just wandered off and played. His grandma said "Hopefully after he graduates and gets a real job he'll...grow up." I told her it's been 9 years and I haven't been able to get him to "grow up" yet...but that hopefully once he gets out of school he'll mature a little. I could tell she genuinely felt sorry for us. Nobody in his family has EVER acknowledged the fact that D leaves us at home alone a lot to go off and do his "fun" things. Everybody acts like what he does is completely normal. It just made me feel really good that she for 1. felt close enough to me to say something to me about it and 2. she was empathizing with me as a woman even though my husband is her beloved grandson. We talked a little about things for Hailey to do this summer too and I told her I feel like I've lost my imagination...I used to be so creative as a kid but now I can't think for the life of me of anything neat for her to do. But if somebody shows me an idea, even something really incredibly simple, I'm like why couldn't I have thought of that??? I told her I work and go home and clean and go to bed and then do the same thing the next day and the next and I just feel like I'm so blah these days. She said she understood. Later on the whole family was sitting around the living room and I plopped Hailey down in my nephew's infant seat and commented on how I can't believe my nephew is still in his since he's 9 months old and weighs almost as much as Hailey does. I told them how we had to use some of the wedding money to buy Hailey a convertible seat before she was even 4 months old because she would pull her head forward and sort of sit up in her infant seat. She hated laying back like that. I made the comment "Oh well, at least we'll have the infant seat for the next baby I guess...whenever that is..." and his grandma leaned over to me and whispered in my ear "Well it's kind of hard to have another one if D's never around!" I wanted to laugh but at the same time I was shocked that she was saying this to me because not only am I her grandson's wife, but also their family is very hush hush about that sort of thing. They're hush hush about everything. I laughed a little and said something like "Exactly! At least you understand!" and she said "Oh I do" and smiled. It made me feel good that we had shared a private little joke like that and that she felt close enough to me to joke with me like that. That day really made me realize that as much as my mother in law drives me nuts sometimes, I do love his family. I'm so comfortable around them and I just genuinely like them and I can't picture my life without them in it. I can't picture divorcing my husband because I could never divorce his family, which unfortunately would have to happen if we did split up. So I was kind of pulled out of my funk. I'm feeling more optimistic about everything. I'm feeling more loved. And despite the fact that my husband left town yet again yesterday to go clean up the cabin at the Lake for their friend's bachelor party in a couple weeks, I still feel loved because he came home and told me he misses me. Which he just doesn't do. What we have right now is hard, but for the most part it works. I just get in these little funks sometimes, for whatever reason. I get all woe is me and down on myself. But instead of people ignoring me or acting like nothing's wrong (of course it's hard to be around somebody when they're not in the greatest mood, I understand that) it really REALLY helps to have somebody just extend a loving hand and basically say "I acknowledge what you're going through, and I do care..." I wish I could tell his grandparents and his grandma in particular, how much what they did this weekend meant to me. Just being there for me and Hailey out of pure love and nothing else...no hidden agendas, nothing of that sort. I don't have a whole lot of people in my life who are there for me like that. Hopefully I can remember this weekend the next time I slip into a funk...I know it'll happen, it's just a fact...and maybe next time it won't take me so long to pull out of it. Everything's less stressful all of a sudden...money, moving, D's crazy schedule, everything we've got going on. It's all more manageable.

It also helps to have my daughter climb on top of me while she's watching Diego, as I'm trying to nap, and tell me in the most loving voice ever "Mommy, you're my elephant" and then give me a big ol' hug.

And the way she's started calling me "Mama" instead of "Mommy" just makes my heart melt...