da da

Hailey misses her dada. She asks for him all the time. It breaks my heart. She wanders around the house calling for him "da! dada? dada!" And he doesn't come, because he isn't here. Today, on her birthday, she woke up all happy, asking for her dada. And her mama came to get her out of her crib, because her dada was on a plane headed to Dallas. Last night D came to me, after he rocked her to sleep(which he never does but wanted to do because he misses her so much and had to leave this morning) and he laid his head on my lap and cried. My husband, this man's man, rough and tough, cried. He told me "I don't wanna go. I miss you guys so much. Tomorrow's her birthday and I won't be here." Lately it's been rough. This season is really wearing on all of us. Hailey's old enough now(1 today, yay!) that she misses him while he's not here. I miss him like crazy. And he's finally tired of it all. Tired of being gone all the time, tired of never seeing his daughter or me, tired of golf and tired of his asshole coach...tired of school. He's ready for it to be over so we can have a normal life. One night last week after I washed my face and brushed my teeth, I went into our room to find him lying in bed staring at the ceiling. I asked him what was wrong. He said he's tired of being gone and he misses us. D isn't the type of guy that just talks about his feelings, or shows me he misses me etc. And there he was, lying in bed, obviously stressed out and down. He's never down. He's always a "whatever happen happens" kind of person, looking on the bright side of things, never stressed out. And he's stressed, and he's down...and he told me he wants us to move to Alaska, just the three of us. He said he wants us to get away from everything, just the three of us. And even though we would obviously never do anything that drastic, I could tell he really meant it. He wants to just run away with us for a while. Which of course we can't do. It broke my heart. He hates being away from us just as much as we hate him being away. I hate it that he's spending all this time away for golf, and it's not even fun for him anymore. It's a chore. He didn't want to go to Dallas today, he didn't want to fly, he didn't want to be gone AGAIN. He called me 3 times today. Usually he'll call me once, late at night right before bed just so I don't worry. 3 times today. I've tried to be supportive. Tell him he's only got a month left before summer....

Ok Hailey just threw up all over her crib.