Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Comfort

It's dizzying how fast my thoughts/feelings seem to change. Sometimes I feel like my mind works on it's own and I'm just along for the ride, dealing with whatever comes along.

I'm wondering now how I could have felt like I dislike my husband, just a week ago. And now, as sudden as it came on, the feeling's gone. It was such a STRONG feeling. Thank God I know not to act on my decisions without thinking in depth about everything. Now, just a week later, I look at him and see somebody that I know I can't live without, no matter how frustrated I get at times. He's my best friend. He knows everything about me. He's the one person, besides my mom, that I feel 100% comfortable around. I can let down my guard and just be me. I love that comfort. And I love him for loving me, despite all my flaws.

Other guys literally make my stomach turn after a while...sometimes just a week, sometimes a couple months...but it ALWAYS happens. There comes a time when I look at them and just think EW. And I turn into a bitch, and they end up not liking me and never talking to me again. I just can't help it. I've been with D over 9 years now, and I am still able to look at him and think how much I love his shoulders, and his arms. And his voice. He's my D, and I don't think that'll ever change. I just need to grow up and realize that that all-consuming love generally just doesn't happen. And honestly, now I don't think I'd want it. We had a talk this weekend where I tried to tell D I felt like we were just really good friends. He disagreed...he told me that we were just well beyond our years, and acted like we'd been married for ages. At first I didn't see it, but after thinking about it for a few days, I see that he's right. I think I just had a momentary freak out, and now that I've dealt with it, we can move on. We do need to learn to respect each other and treat each other with love...that's for sure. But I really think things will get better from here on out. Now that I've realized I don't want anybody else.